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How to correct the consequences of your mistake if everything gets out of control? If its results have become so large-scale that it is impossible to cope with them? For example, I had a fight with my grandmother and she died due to a heart attack. He lied - and this lie crippled his friend’s life. I told the gossip to my boss and my colleague was fired from his job. The driver hit a man. Will God forgive if nothing can be fixed? How to find a balance between self-flagellation and self-justification? Archpriest Vyacheslav Ponevin, rector of the St. Nicholas Church in Enakievo, pondered these complex questions.
Repentance is not only a listing of one’s sins before a priest. This is repentance for what has been done, a desire to improve, change, and, in addition, compensation for the damage caused. Of course, it is impossible to return the situation to the state it was in before the mistake was made. Often a person has no control over the consequences of certain actions. However, you can still try and, if possible, correct, if not the consequences, then yourself.
Do no harm
I’ll say right away: compensation for damage is not as simple as it seems at first glance. We need to take it on if it does not cause harm to the one to whom we are going to compensate, or to us. After all, you can correct your mistakes in such a way that others will not be happy. Example: a boy and a girl had an affair, the girl gave birth to a child, the guy ran away. However, despite everything, the girl got married successfully, everything is fine with her. But the devotee of piety, which the guy has become, suddenly decides to repent, make amends, and begins to search, call, write letters. As a result, due to good intentions, the family may collapse. Our good intentions are not always really good and lead to good things.
A person’s repentance occurs with the participation of a priest. I think that compensation for damage should also be discussed with the spiritual mentor - so that it does not bring harm to anyone.
If you make mistakes, you must find the strength to correct them
A strong side of character is not admitting one’s own mistakes (even a weak person can admit them), but correcting them. If you can correct your own mistakes, it will affect your decision making later on. They appear to be more mature and thoughtful.
Once you understand that mistakes are not only necessary, but can also be corrected, you will no longer be afraid to make them. After all, all that is needed for this is to have a strong and strong-willed character, high self-esteem and your own opinion, independent of others.
What to do if you are at fault?
What to do if there is no way to make amends or ask for forgiveness from the person you offended? The main thing is not to fall into despair. Yes, compensation for damage is necessary, but the situation does not always allow this to be done. If you can, compensate, if not, look for other ways. There are different options.
First: help those who are currently in a similar situation and need help. I have encountered situations where people beat someone in their youth, and there is no way to apologize to the victim: either time has passed and he has died, or it is impossible to get in touch with him. I recommended going to the hospital and donating bandages and medicines for those who suffered from beatings.
Second: pray. If we have offended someone, and this person has already died, we can always pray for him: at home, in church, at a memorial service.
Third: charity. You can make some kind of donation, help financially - now there are hundreds of opportunities for this.
Get Organized
If you want to achieve your goals and use your time productively, you need to stay organized.
Knowing what you need to do and when is necessary to take effective action and get results.
When you're not organized, you'll spend a lot of time just thinking about your next move instead of knowing exactly what your next job is.
Being organized allows you to minimize the time spent on unimportant but important tasks, giving you more time to solve the bigger problems in your life.
Organization can take the form of to-do lists. Being able to see what needs to be done and checking things off as you go is an effective way to track your progress.
Keeping an email list on your phone or through apps can be a great solution so you always have your phone with you. Or you may prefer the foolproof pen and paper approach.
Routines can also be part of your efforts to stay organized. When you know you're doing certain things at certain times or on certain days, you don't have to think about it. You can just keep doing it.
Routines also mean that you know exactly when you can work on fixing your life and when you will be busy with responsibilities that keep daily life running smoothly.
Who needs it?
Making amends is necessary for our soul to be changed by doing good deeds. Still, what is more important for God is not formal confession, not formal correction of mistakes, but changes in the soul. To repent means to become a different person: kinder, more merciful, more honest. This is the main goal. To compensate for the damage, but remain the same as you were, is wrong.
People brought a lot of formality into the Church. Everyone baptizes children, performs funeral services for the dead, bless cars and houses, but in fact a very small percentage of people can be considered Christians. The bulk, and this is about 90%, simply observe rituals. “They told us so,” “this is how it should be,” “well, this is how it’s supposed to be,” but why this is needed, what the point is, I have no idea. They don’t know the Creed or the “Our Father,” but they bless water and Easter cakes and order memorial services. In fact, they did not become part of the Christian community, but Christianity is impossible without the Church.
Formalities should be avoided. Whenever you do something, you need to have an end goal in mind. If we repent, then we need to understand that the goal is to change our inner self. Getting rid of passion that torments. If a person is irritable, he can offend people, then ask for forgiveness, then offend again, and this will last forever, no changes occur in him. What good is his apology? Can his repentance be considered sincere?
If a believer repents, then the result should be his internal change for the better, the replacement of passions and sins with good deeds. Do you feel bad, overcome by selfishness, irritation, pride? At these moments, it’s good to go and do some small good deed: pray for a person, say a kind word to him, give him a treat.
Work hard to fix your life.
Facing multiple challenges can be overwhelming. It may seem like you will never be able to get things right.
And while this may be true, you can certainly do much more than you imagine.
You can work harder than you think. You can push the boundaries of what you are capable of in terms of your physical and mental abilities.
You can't live life to the max for too long or you risk burning out. But you can stay in such conditions for a short period and get a lot done in that time.
While you're starting to feel like you've taken on too much, you can take your foot off the gas pedal before it falls apart.
Then, be sure to give yourself plenty of rest, living within your capabilities for a while before stepping up again and pursuing new goals or challenges.
Guilt as a way to punish yourself
Often people who have made some irreparable mistakes suffer extremely from feelings of guilt. It becomes their way of punishing themselves. They think that this feeling is right because they are supposed to be depressed after what happened. This is, of course, not true. Yes, we must have a sober awareness of our bad deed. There's no escape: I did it. But this does not mean that you need to punish yourself for the rest of your life.
What should be done? - fulfill the three points already mentioned: repent, make a promise to yourself not to repeat what was done, and make reparations. If it is not possible, do good deeds. “Turn away from evil and do good” (Ps. 33:15), says the Psalter. So we will replace evil with good. It is not enough just to refuse to do evil. If we begin to do good deeds instead of evil, then the Lord will heal us through them. In doing good we come into contact with God, since He is love, and we are cured of our spiritual illnesses.
To be afraid of everything
There was already a point that one of our fatal mistakes is the fear of risk. This same point is a little about other fears. Fears are a product of our brain, one is afraid of spiders, and another is afraid of getting lost in a strange city. But are they justified?
In fact, if a person finds himself in a foreign city, he is unlikely to get lost - he will ask passers-by for directions, get to the hotel by taxi, but his fear is so strong that he may even refuse the trip.
We don’t know what will happen ahead; an unpleasant situation can happen at any moment, and it is not necessarily associated with fear. What we are afraid of is not there, it is a projection of our brain.
Fear does not exist without us. It’s just that our brain has a projection built into it, and our body reacts to something. Fear can be overcome if you eradicate its internal causes.
Between self-flagellation and self-justification
Self-flagellation is a demonic state. It doesn't benefit anyone. On the contrary, both the people around us and ourselves suffer from it, because we drive ourselves into despair and despondency. These states are partly a manifestation of pride. We must overcome it. Yes, I committed a sin, I did something wrong. But I can change.
Despair is disappointment, disbelief in the all-forgiving mercy of God. God doesn't punish anyone. Crucifying himself on the Cross, He says: “I love you so much that I am ready to die for you.” Looking at the crucified Christ, we see neither punishment nor condemnation - only love. When people begin to engage in self-flagellation, it is as if they are saying to Him: “We do not believe in Your love and forgiveness.” This is a sign of pride.
Self-justification is also an unambiguous evil, since in this case a person lies to himself, God, and people. Everything is clear here. Many of their evil actions are justified by some good goals. Make a small sacrifice for the good of something. But good does not need evil. The Lord came into the world and died without committing a single bad deed. Didn’t violate anyone’s freedom, didn’t cause mental or physical harm to anyone. He could have done everything differently, simpler, but he did it the way he did it, and in this he is an example to all of us. No matter how good intentions we justify evil, it will always remain itself.
Self-justification is the opposite of self-flagellation, but it is the same sin that needs to be fought. They are like a plus and a minus, but the essence is the same: these are wrong, false feelings.
How can a person understand that he is justifying himself? In spiritual matters you always need an outside perspective. Without this, it is difficult to understand yourself. If a person has some serious mistakes or difficult situations in his life, it will never hurt him to come to church and discuss the situation with an experienced spiritual mentor - to understand whether he is justifying himself in relation to what happened. Many people find it convenient to push everything into the corner of their memory and live in peace.
Be in tune with your core values
It is important for your peace of mind that the changes you make and the corrections you apply to your problems are consistent with the type of person you are or want to be.
You'll feel more motivated to keep moving forward when the goals you set align with your core values.
This doesn't mean that every discomfort you experience is a sign that you're not being true to yourself.
Sometimes you need to push yourself and do things that are not easy or enjoyable in the short term because they will lead to your long term goal.
As long as you do not harm others and your vision for the future is one in which you can see yourself being happy, you may have to experience some pain to achieve this.
This may mean taking risks, meeting new people, doing something different, learning new skills. These things aren't always fun, but they may be necessary to give you the life you want.
You will know when something is really wrong. It won't bring any joy or release (unlike the things listed above that can be emotionally rewarding).
If this happens, pause and think about what exactly seems wrong to you. Then stop doing it.
About imaginary good
This kind of work is the work of our whole lives. Our confession and repentance should be its result. We come to church, confess before communion, simply listing some habitual sins. This is acceptable, but not recommended. You need to constantly work on yourself. We think extremely little about our lives, analyze our feelings, and comprehend our actions. Every mistake, every passion - what pushes us to them?
How often, when we do something, we think that we are doing good and with good intentions, but in fact we are doing harm! For example, there is a person with addiction in the family. He constantly finds himself in some bad situations, and his family gets him out of them. They pay off debts, buy back what was pledged to the pawnshop, defend themselves in front of their bosses at work. Thus, they pay for his degradation and help him slide down.
The person, perhaps, would have come to his senses after the first incident. For example, if he sat in a cell for fifteen days, he would be fired from his job, and he would find the strength to say: I don’t want this. When he does something stupid, and everything is corrected for him, it’s very convenient: do what you want, no consequences. So why fix it? He doesn't see the problem and continues to degrade.
Relatives need to figure out why they do this, what feelings push them to such behavior, why they think that if they do not respond, they will go against God.
It often happens in family relationships that representatives of the older generation consider it normal to interfere in the life of a young family, destroying it. Moreover, such elders, as a rule, do not have a normal family (divorced or live as nominal spouses), but they believe that they have the right to teach life.
Why did I give these examples? First of all, you need to carefully analyze your life, try to understand why you act one way or another, what it leads to.
Stage 5. Implementation of improvements
It’s not enough to just come up with rules: you also need to make sure that these rules immediately start working and change life for the better. If we don’t implement them specifically, they will “gather dust” in our diary as dead weight. There is a high probability that we will soon forget about them and again make mistakes that have already been worked out.
Therefore, at the last stage we need to determine: with what tool will we implement these rules? This is what it looks like:
Let's look at these tools in a little more detail.
1. One-time task. This is a task that only needs to be completed once to prevent the error or problem from recurring. For example, if we have a problem “the computer is slowing down,” we just need to “buy an additional 16 GB block of RAM.”
We write the task in an organizer (if you don’t have one yet, be sure to get one) for the day when it will be convenient to complete it.
2. Regular task. This is a task that we need to repeat periodically: every day, every Saturday, every month, etc. For example, if we constantly forget to buy groceries on the way home from work, we will need to create a regular reminder task “Should we go to the store? "
The same thing: we create a new task in the organizer (you can link it to a specific time) and set up its repetition. You can read more about how to work with such tasks in our article “Repetitive tasks”.
3. Work checklist. Checklists are a very convenient tool for organizing any repetitive processes. This includes training and sports, cleaning activities, pet care, inspections, audits, creating standard products, etc. If you regularly use checklists, it will be easier for you to prevent mistakes: if you make a mistake, just add to checklist is a new item for its prevention.
We had a separate article about creating work checklists.
4. Habit tracker. Some rules will require us to develop new habits or change old ones. For this purpose, time management uses several tools, the most popular of which is the habit tracker:
It works very simply: we add every habit that we need to develop or change to the tracker and monitor its compliance.
5. Personal code. This is another very powerful tool for self-development, which should be discussed separately at some point. It is a set of personal rules and principles for all occasions: from communicating with people to caring for the home.
To create a codex, you can use a notepad, a general notebook, or a text file.
Excerpt from personal code
The code may have several sections. For example:
- Main rules;
- My moral principles;
- Communication with people;
- Business;
- Clients;
- Health;
- Car, etc.
For the code to work, it must be re-read regularly and thoughtfully. In this case, the rules will be “absorbed” and become an integral part of our personality.
Now that we have understood the tools, we can choose the appropriate implementation method for each rule. Please note: after this, you need to immediately put all the tasks and rules in “their place”: in an organizer, in a habit tracker, etc. Otherwise, you can forget about them very quickly.
Remove the rotten from the pantry of the soul
Preparing for confession is a kind of inventory. We remove everything rotten and spoiled from the internal bins. We also evaluate our life: what we did wrong, for what reason, and so on.
There are people who come to confession and get away with a formal enumeration of sins: “I sinned in deed, in word, in thought.” This list becomes memorized and does not change for years. Some confess what they have already repented of, what they have transgressed, what has long been yesterday - yesterday in their spiritual life. Many people say: “In my youth I did this and that,” but what have you done now, what do you want to repent of now? That is, people walk in circles, do not change, their spiritual life at this time stands still.
be patient
Nothing happens overnight, results don't always appear immediately.
Often you have to wait patiently for something to happen. And you need to avoid losing motivation or momentum when the situation doesn't improve immediately.
Keep doing what you need to do, keep working hard, keep reminding yourself why you're doing it.
Eventually, the results you are looking for will begin to appear. Maybe a little at first, but as you keep trying, more and more.
Patience and persistence will reward you sooner or later.
