It is not at all easy to always tell the truth, and sometimes a white lie is even necessary. But we will talk about those cases when people simply do not dare to do this. To understand how to learn to tell the truth, sometimes you have to completely change your life priorities. But what makes you resort to lying?
Truth requires a period, falsehood requires a comma. Don Aminado
Cognitive load
Cognitive load occurs when processes such as thinking, attention, and memory are involved. That is, a person is overexerted mentally. But how can you understand during a conversation that the other person is lying? Psychologists have proven that lying is much more difficult than telling the truth. The brain becomes tense and the person becomes overly nervous.
To increase cognitive load and definitely catch a person lying, you should ask your interlocutor to tell the story in chronological reverse order. That is, from the total to the elements. It is important to maintain constant eye contact. If a person fails, he is lying.
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How to tell the truth to people
In the modern world, branding, including personal branding, is very important. But the fact is that by creating it, we also lie, therefore, we fall into the pit of lies. To avoid falling, you will have to tell the truth.
People don't really like honesty very much. Who would like it when they tell him that the highly paid job he chose is not his, the woman he loves does not love him, etc.? Really, no one. So yesterday's friends can migrate to the category of enemies.
But in fact, even a personal brand can be built on honesty. There is no need to post beautiful photos, talk about how cool you are and how great everything is with you. Everyone is used to this. Let's try to go the other way and tell people the truth, that is, what you think and what other people are like in your eyes. You will have to go through several stages.
Stage 1. They won’t want to communicate with you.
Honesty - self-acceptance
Sigmund Freud argued that the need to tell the truth is very strong in people. The reason for this is that a person wants to be understood by others. But often he himself does not understand and does not accept himself. He puts on one mask, exchanges it for another, but cannot even imagine that he can live without them.
The better a person understands himself, the more difficult it is for him to lie to himself and others.
People lie to appear in a favorable light to others, but their inner voice tells them that the meaning of our existence lies in something completely different. The better a person understands and accepts himself, the more honest he becomes.
Why do people tell lies?
Even young children notice that adults do not always praise them for speaking the truth out loud, but, on the contrary, they encourage them when they hear what they would like, regardless of whether this statement is true or not.
To earn the desired praise, a child often resorts to little tricks in the form of very small white lies. The same situation plays out in school, where it is much easier for everyone if the student declares that he did not do his homework because he had a headache, instead of honestly saying that he was sitting at the computer at the time. In adulthood, most of us understand how much the truth hurts and offends people with whom we still have to live, work, and communicate. In order not to become an enemy for life, many prefer either to remain silent or to tell a saving lie.
People are often afraid that the truth will worsen their relationships with others, affect their career growth, and could be used against them. She is not always pleasant. Perhaps in this regard, the proverb “Silence is golden” arose, implying that sometimes, instead of telling the tactless truth, it is better to remain silent. And often in such cases you have to not only remain silent, but also resort to lies to save yourself. Well, everything is clear with her, but time is not only for salvation.
White lie
However, there are situations in life when lying is necessary. Sometimes you have to tell a lie so as not to offend a person. If a friend's dress, in our opinion, is tasteless, most often we will praise it. I don’t want to spoil a person’s mood, and besides, it’s his choice that needs to be respected.
But there are situations when the truth can hurt a person or harm him. Before telling a person about a serious illness or betrayal, you need to think ten times whether the truth will be too heavy a blow for him.
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But perhaps it will be easier for him to find out the truth than to constantly rush from hope to doubt and back.
Truth and conscience
The truth of any person is what he himself considers to be the truth, but it is always subjective. But he must listen to other people's opinions so as not to feel that he is “always right.” Each of us has a conscience, and if it torments us, it means that the truth is not on our side.
The voice of conscience, no matter how we try to drown it out, will “knock” at us again and again, like a postman bringing an important letter. Then there will be nothing left to do but open the door and let in the truth that we don’t want to know.
Watch the timbre
The brain is terribly honest, it doesn’t like to lie, it makes it upset. For the body, lying is excessive stress. Therefore, both men and women speak in a higher voice than usual when lying - this is an unconscious reaction to stress. We always squeak when we are nervous. So let the jazz depth and velvet into your voice, otherwise they will burn you.
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He doesn't give advice, he just criticizes
A simple example. For example, you came in a beautiful outfit, and your friend immediately tells you that the clothes fit terribly, don’t suit you and make you look very fat. Maybe that's true, but did you ask her opinion? If not, then the friend is showing envy. It’s completely different when you asked if an outfit suited you and then received an answer upon request. And it can be different. If a friend is straightforward, she may express her point of view in a rude manner, and this will only indicate the peculiarities of her character.
Some artists admit that their biggest critics are their parents. They can express their opinion about their creativity, but even negative comments will not be perceived poorly by children. After all, they know that their parents give feedback, wishing them well.
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Use distraction and switching
A true master of deception, like the Spanish matador, draws his sword only at the decisive moment and delivers only one blow. The rest of the time, he skillfully distracts the victim's attention with the help of skillful movements of his red cloak. The art of lying uses similar techniques, and sometimes skillfully switching the interlocutor’s attention to another object or changing the topic of conversation eliminates the need to lie altogether. Think over your line of behavior in advance in such a way that you don’t have to tell a lie at all. Just be careful not to overdo it, because incompetent use of a muleta can cost the matador his life!
How to change yourself and stop lying
If you decide to change your own life and give up lying, there is a lot of work ahead, but the result is worth it.
Sincerity will help maintain not only mental, but also physical health. Follow the following plan.
Realize the true reason for your lies
A lie never just happens. Liars are always guided by some goal, albeit unconsciously. Carefully analyze your life, think about what is behind this or that action.
If you cannot determine the true motives of behavior, consult a psychologist. An outside perspective will help you identify the problem and move on.
Realize why you want to change
You may think that if lying helps you achieve certain goals and objectives, there is nothing wrong with it. But take a deeper look at the situation - every time you give out false information, you hide a piece of your own personality.
Do you really want to live your whole life hiding behind a mask? Think about what kind of example you are setting for your children and do you want to instill in them the concept of decency? Look ahead a little and soberly assess the consequences of your own behavior.
Get support
It is very difficult to overcome the problem of constant lying on your own. Try to find support that will help you move on and not deviate from your intended path. This could be a close person whom you completely trust and are ready to open your soul.
Don’t be sad if there are no such people in your environment; a psychologist or virtual acquaintances from an online chat or a specialized forum can help you improve.
Practice telling the truth
It is very difficult to immediately adapt and become a person of crystal honesty. But you have to start somewhere. Try to first tell the absolute truth to people you don’t know: fellow travelers on transport, acquaintances on the Internet. Nothing binds you, and this will help you open up and not invent anything.
Next, move on to your friends, but don’t open your heart right away. Start by openly discussing neutral and harmless topics. Be honest about your food preferences, movie impressions, and weekend plans.
This way you will learn to express thoughts without second thoughts and fantasies. The acquired skill will help you be honest in more serious situations.
Unexpected questions
Of course, a person can be well prepared for a lie and think through his answers in advance. Therefore, deliberate lies are quite difficult to detect. However, if a person has prepared well and thought through the answers, then it is worth asking completely unexpected questions. He who tells the truth will find his bearings and consistently move the story forward. Whoever lies will not be able to tie ends meet.
Wants others to feel what he feels
You usually want to tell the truth to specific people whose stories are somewhat related. For example, one girl could not get married for a long time. Then, when she was already well over thirty, she was forced to agree “to the first person she met.” And this woman is unhappy because she has not met a worthy man, but must endure the unloved so as not to be left alone.
And then I meet a friend who complains that her personal life is not going well. And this woman declares: “Did you think that someone needs you at thirty? Normal men have been snapped up a long time ago.” Obviously, the friend was expecting support, but then she heard such an offensive statement. In fact, such words were addressed by the interlocutor primarily to herself; they reflected her inner pain. And she wanted her friend to feel the emotions that she was experiencing.
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Never make excuses or confess
If you are suspected of lying, then the worst thing you can do is to start inventing more and more lies to justify yourself. If the building is shaking, then it is necessary to escape from it, and not urgently complete new floors. Therefore, respond to all accusations with proud, offended silence or switching to another topic.
As for “voluntary surrender,” this is tantamount to a direct shot in the temple. There are often situations when the truth is equally harmful for both sides and the party accusing you, just like you, despite all the harassment, would not want to hear it. Never give up, even when your back is against the wall. Stand your ground against logic, evidence and common sense.
Orthodox Life
If I were faced with the task of formulating in one phrase the main principle of normal human communication, I would say: “Be afraid of being right.”
Of course, on the one hand, it is important for a person to feel that he is right. Then he is convincing and interesting. Honest, after all. At the same time, the absence of such a feeling is often the cause of uncertainty. Everyone knows that an insecure and indecisive person (in other words, a mumbler) is more annoying than anyone else.
However, there is another side. And it is distinguished by its considerable ugliness. Since the consciousness of one’s own rightness instills in a person, in addition to confidence, also aplomb, a sense of superiority and arrogance. The one who is right often allows himself to be rude, is cruel, cynical and ruthless. Let us take a close look at our sins, misdeeds and bad deeds. For which of them does your conscience torment you the most? Which ended in the most dramatic conflicts? Which ones entailed deep grievances and ultimately provoked a quarrel and even hostility? Right. Those in which we were absolutely sure that we were right. The feeling of being right gives a free hand, sanctions extremes, justifies sin. Therefore, it is necessary to treat it with the same caution as any other feeling, understanding that even the best in us is not alien to depravity.
And this caution should not begin in the process of a dispute or conflict. It’s too late to remember about it in the heat of a quarrel or in the heat of a discussion. To ensure that the feeling of being right does not spoil life for us or our neighbors, we should learn to at least tell the truth without harm to our neighbors or harm to ourselves.
Let's start with the fact that not every truth is actually true. The truth in its pure form is always one - this is the truth of God. There are no less human truths in the world than there are people. It is obvious that everyone believes in his own truth and in this regard he is completely honest with himself. However, it is equally obvious that a single personal truth remains true only for the one who believes it. From others the demand is different. What do I care about someone else's truth when I have my own? And in the end, what is the use of inflating, as Khodasevich wrote, “petty truths an empty prue”?
Hence the rule: remember that what I consider to be true constitutes my, so to speak, personal truth. It may actually be true, at least in my eyes. There may be “a penny’s worth of truth” in it. But regardless of this, my personal truth is, as a rule, not needed or interesting to my neighbor. So why say it? If someone is interested in our truth, it’s not a sin to tell about it, but if they don’t ask, then it’s quite possible to do without voicing it.
However, often simple human truth turns out to be objective. Does this mean that it must be said? Well, it may very well be what is needed. But before this, it would be useful to check the truthfulness of yourself. To begin with, let us note that doubts rarely arise about pleasant and easy truth: such truth does not lead to offense or conflict, and if a person is not disgusting by nature and, as a result, is not prone to thoughts like “I won’t praise, so as not to become proud.” “or the habit of not noticing the good and concentrating on the bad, then it will not be difficult for him to tell his neighbor the positive truth.
So, anyone who wants to tell the truth to another must also be truthful. You have probably heard such complaints more than once as “I reprimanded him, but he...”, “I want good for them, but they...”, “I tell her: no one will tell you the truth except me, and she ..." These and similar phrases are usually used to complain about how a person reacts to criticism. Fairly, I must say, he reacts. After all, if we do not take into account situations where a boss criticizes a subordinate, a master criticizes a student, and a teacher criticizes a student, then we will come to the conclusion that criticism, even if fair, is usually inclined to those people who have no moral right to they don’t have it and criticize it only “with the best intentions.” What are these motives? To figure it out, let's ask ourselves, do we want to criticize people we sincerely treat well? Or those we love? For example, it is extremely difficult for me to imagine a normal husband criticizing his beloved wife. Or it’s also hard for me to imagine criticism between friends. Will normal parents be critical of their child? No, everyone, of course, is not without vice. But the shortcomings of spouses in normal families are covered by love, the bad actions of children are corrected by education, and for friendship it is completely normal to accept a person as he is. Criticism is always implicated in passion. On anger, on anger, on envy, on pride... Therefore, the desire to criticize would be more correctly called the desire to say nasty things. And fair criticism will differ from unfair criticism in only one way: there will be no lies in it. However, a lie is not necessary, because the truth can be evil, and justice can be merciless. In the end, it is much more convenient for an evil, cruel person to use the truth, since it gives his criticism the appearance of objectivity and justifies it in his own eyes.
This is the truth. Only now it concerns not our neighbor, to whom we wanted to tell the truth, but ourselves. Our intentions and methods. Does anyone still see a moral right to tell someone the unpleasant truth?
So what now, you ask? Not telling the truth? Lie? Be a hypocrite? In no case. A Christian must be truthful and honest. Only first - with yourself and in relation to yourself. And in life we need to learn to tell the truth first of all when a lie can bring us benefit or cover up our sin. Or when the truth can prevent slander, when through the truth you can protect the weak and defenseless, prevent meanness and prevent injustice from happening. In general, whenever the truth is difficult and requires courage, when the end result of the truth is righteousness, and not a smug sense of one’s own rightness.
Archpriest Vladimir Puchkov
Demonstrates his superiority
There are people with low self-esteem who envy everyone around them. It is important for them to assert themselves in their own eyes and in the eyes of others, so they cut down the truth. For example, one friend brags to another that she bought an expensive dress from a famous brand. Another took a look and summed up that her friend had been deceived and given a fake. In this case, the statement usually sounds rude. For example: “Are you stupid? Can't read? It also says “Made in China”.
If a person spoke from the bottom of his heart, not out of envy, he would speak out more loyally. For example: “Listen, I may upset you. The label says the dress is made in China. They gave you a fake." Do you feel the difference?
