You've probably encountered a situation where you don't want to fulfill a request, but for some reason you still sign up for it. You can easily explain this to yourself as friendship, sympathy for a person, but the problem arises when you have to step over yourself and your interests in favor of others. In this article, I, psychologist Daria Milai, will give advice on how to learn to say “no” to people correctly and not feel guilty.
Reasons for the inability to refuse
- Fear of offending the person asking for a favor by refusing. It is worth accepting the fact that there is absolutely nothing to be offended by in this situation. Who said that your personal plans are less important than the affairs of a friend or acquaintance? If you explain the reason for disagreement, there can be no question of dissatisfaction. You don't owe anyone anything.
- Fear of losing a good attitude towards oneself. In fact, if a person sincerely expresses his sympathy for you, your reluctance to fulfill the request cannot radically affect his opinion. On the contrary, when a demonstration of resentment occurs, you can judge that this is a manipulator.
- Fear of looking impolite. Such thoughts in most cases are the costs of education. Adults teach children that disobedience is bad. It is extremely important to learn to distinguish whether a person really needs your help or whether he is quite capable of coping with the problem on his own. If the former, then the decision rests solely with your conscience. If the latter, we are again talking about manipulation.
- Fear of getting rejected. If your friend is ready to help only in return, and not disinterestedly, you should think about whether communication with him is really so valuable.
- Low self-esteem. It happens that personal affairs seem less significant than the plans of others. Then you need to work on realizing your own worth.
Phrases that will help you refuse competently
I have already written about how to learn to communicate with people. Communication should always be polite and pleasant. This rule also applies to refusal. It should sound correct and delicate. If a neighbor asks you to borrow money, then you should not tell him point-blank: “I won’t give you money because I don’t believe that you are going to pay it back.” It sounds boorish.
If you want to refuse delicately, so as not to offend the person and remain on good terms with him, it is best to say: “I would really like to help, but I just can’t do it right now.” You don't even have to explain the reason. With this phrase you make it clear that you would be happy to help, but due to certain circumstances you are not able to do this.
You can also use the following language to refuse.
- “I think you can easily cope without my help”;
- “It’s extremely inconvenient for me to do this now”;
- “I don’t have any time for this”;
- “I can't help you. It’s better for you to contact a specialist with this request”;
- “I would be happy to help, but it’s unlikely that I’ll be very good at it. You will most likely be unhappy, and I don’t want to ruin my relationship with you.”
Another good technique that sales managers use when working with clients is to say no, but using the word “yes.” In this case, their answer begins with the phrase: “Yes, but no.” This helps alleviate the negative impact of rejection.
The phrases that I have offered you will help you refuse an uncomfortable request while maintaining a balance between politeness and a categorical refusal. However, it doesn't really matter what you say. What matters is how you do it. The answer should sound firmly, decisively and confidently, so that the person asking does not even think that you can be persuaded and forced to fulfill his request.
I recommend watching the video and consolidating the material on why it is important to learn to say “no” and how to do it correctly.
Consequences of trouble-free behavior
Wasting energy and time (which is always in short supply) on useless, unnecessary activities will definitely bring nothing but constant fatigue and missed opportunities. In addition, if you take on a task that you end up not being able to complete, you will feel a strong sense of guilt.
By putting aside your interests in favor of other people, you can ultimately make others understand that they can afford to be “consumers” in relation to you. In this case, help will be perceived as the norm, and refusal as an insult.
I would love to, but...
Another good way to refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel guilty. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.
Why you need to be able to say “no”
Trouble-free individuals are considered weak-willed. Without the courage to defend your interests, it is impossible to gain respect in society. Eventually, your soft-heartedness will simply be exploited. To feel your integrity, you must find a balance between concession and your own desires. Of course, by constantly refusing, you risk spending your life completely alone. But when you have to step on the throat of your principles, you need to learn to defend them.
Often, a situation where we cannot refuse arises if, before giving an answer, we do not analyze the pros and cons, but act impulsively. In the end, such a decision will only benefit those who receive help.
You look great, but I don't quite understand it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” —
the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the fashion world.
Tips: how to say “no” correctly and beautifully, defend your opinion and not offend a person
First of all, it is necessary to accept that everyone has the right to refuse any offer or fulfillment of a request.
Algorithm for polite refusal
- Demonstrate your attitude to the situation. This could be irritation, wariness, regret, or lack of interest. It is important to express the emotion that has arisen in order to prepare the interlocutor for the subsequent response.
- Clearly, but without aggression, say the word “No.”
- State the reasons why you are refusing. Don't make up excuses. If you simply don't want to do it, say so. Your opponent should also respect your interests.
- Suggest another solution to the problem.
- If the person asking begins to insist and persuade you, listen to him and repeat why you will not perform the service. At the same time, there should be no uncertainty in your voice.
What you need to consider in order to learn to say “no”, and how to refuse people without offending them - psychology
Understand that anyone can put themselves in your position just as you would. If you hear any signs of resentment or aggression in response to a refusal, think about whether you want to contact a person who absolutely does not respect your interests.
Psychologist Daria Milai
Make an appointment
Don't let others stop you from achieving your goals. When a request interferes with the execution of your important plans, you do not need to sacrifice yourself for the needs of another. After weighing the significance of your affairs and the tasks of the person asking for the favor, make a decision that will not harm you.
To learn to refuse, you need to clearly define your life priorities. For example, consciously put comfort in the sphere of relationships in first place, self-realization in second place, and relaxation and entertainment in third place. Then you will be able to focus on these values when a controversial situation arises.
Find your determination and work on improving your self-esteem. Always understand the motives of the person asking, evaluate how important his request is for you too. Confidently express your point of view to your opponent. At the same time, speak from “I”, briefly but succinctly justifying your position. Showing signs of uncertainty is extremely undesirable, because the interlocutor will easily seize on your doubts and lead you to another “yes”. Be firm and concise, leaving no room for escape or persuasion.
If you are once again scared, not remembering how to say “no”, record this moment and analyze it. Why did it happen? What thoughts were in your head? What emotions did you experience? How do you look at the situation now? What should have been done? Can you still refuse the responsibility you have taken on now?
What you shouldn’t be afraid of when refusing people
In the last part of the article, we decided to summarize some aspects regarding the two most common concerns associated with saying no to other people. It's about grievances and missed opportunities. Why are they actually not as scary as they might seem?
Don't be afraid of insults
This principle applies to almost any group you want to say no to. Of course, different approaches will work for different people. So, the grievances of arrogant relatives who are already annoying you are not equivalent to the grievances of the people you really care about. In general, the following rationalistic model
: if there is an adequate person in front of you who needs your help, he will not be offended by a motivated refusal or by the offer of an alternative option (or a joint search for it).
Of course, he may show negative emotions (excitement, annoyance, etc.), however, most likely, it will not be about resentment or conflicts.
Again, with the right person, problems can be solved. If they take offense at you even because of a trifle, then it’s probably one of two options: 1) it ’s not a matter of refusal as such
;
2) before you is one of the “problem” personality types
: a manipulator, a not quite adequate person, an overly narcissistic person, etc.
In the first case, it is logical to deal with the root cause (but not right now, but when you both move a little away from emotions). In the second, the most rational option would be to correlate the actual need/importance of what is being asked of you and the inconvenience that it will cause you. In such situations, it is useful to remember that for most manipulators and inadequate people the concept of gratitude is alien, but they very easily sit on others’ necks
. Therefore, think about how terrible this offense is for you? Maybe because of her, in fact, it will only become easier for you, since this person will stop pestering you?
Don't be afraid to miss opportunities
As we said, sometimes we cannot refuse a boss or, for example, a colleague, because we believe that it will come back to haunt us later or because of this we will miss some opportunities. Of course, this option cannot be ruled out, but it is useful to remember the other side of this problem. Often, those who always agree to everything are perceived worse than those who can firmly and correctly refuse.
The fact is that, having become accustomed to receiving your consent, colleagues and management will take it for granted and absolutely for granted. Your endless willingness to go the extra mile will not be perceived as your merit and is unlikely to bring any dividends.
The psychological side of the issue is also important. People who agree to everything are often considered insecure, low in self-esteem, a sucker, or dependent on work
(materially or morally).
This opinion develops even when none of the above actually applies to the employee. As a result, instead of issuing an additional bonus or promoting such an employee, they begin to take advantage of him more and more. Although, of course, this is only the most common scenario for the development of events, and not a rule. Just keep this principle in mind when planning to work another weekend for free. Learning to say no to an inappropriate request from a colleague or boss (or to agree but ask for compensation) is more likely to benefit you than endless yeses. Then at least it won’t turn out that you sacrificed everything for the company, and it bypassed you at every opportunity.
Of course, if you have already earned the reputation of a person who is always ready for anything, gradually refuse your colleagues
– first, gently ask for compensation or offer compromises, give consent, but on your own terms. Otherwise, there is a high probability that your refusals will be considered whims and will cause too much displeasure. When colleagues get used to changes in your behavior, your “No” will be perceived as quite normal.
Benefits of giving up
- You don't waste energy. Stop wasting your internal resources, which are not so easy to replenish, on activities that have no value for you. Having learned to cut off unnecessary things in a timely manner, you will be able to organize your day more productively and effectively and devote the freed up time to your development.
- You achieve a balanced life. There are days when you feel like you could have done more. And this applies not only to work: each of the areas of life needs to be given enough attention, without focusing on any one. By saying “no” to additional work or other items that are outside your plan, you can establish this balance.
- You do not lose power over your own existence. By staying in control of every situation, you don't let other people control your life. As a result, self-confidence and level of self-esteem increases.
- You can build relationships based on the reaction to your refusal. Needing constant approval from others is not doing you any good. Think about how you would react if your request was denied? Will you be disappointed? Long-term relationships are possible only with mutual respect for the interests of each party.
When should a buyer refuse?
You need to say “no” not only in cases where you technically cannot fulfill the buyer’s request. There are options where this is theoretically possible, but will damage your profits, reputation, or force you to break the law. Here are some common requests that should be immediately and ruthlessly rejected:
- the buyer asks for unrealistic discounts. This is a classic of the genre. Everyone is so accustomed to promotions and discounts that they have no idea what it’s like to make a purchase and not save. So they ask for discounts everywhere. In general, discounts should fit into profitability indicators. You cannot sell at a loss, with the exception of certain cases - we will talk about them below. The general rule is this: if the discount is at a loss to you, it should be denied;
- the client wants to return the goods and collect the money, but, according to the law, does not have the right to do so. Here the buyer may indeed not know that his purchase is non-refundable. Not everyone has read the law “On Protection of Consumer Rights”. And some have read and know, but think that it might work. They rely on blind customer focus;
- the client wants additional options, but for free. I will pay for the goods, but deliver to the apartment for free. Or collect furniture for “living well.” And at the same time, re-glue the wallpaper in the bedroom;
- the buyer wants it faster. Due to technical reasons, you will be able to deliver the goods next week. But the client is not happy with this: his mother’s birthday is on the weekend and the purchase is needed by the weekend. It's a sad situation, but he'll have to refuse;
- the client asks for gifts, additional units of goods, related products, and so on. Of course - “for free”. If he buys a washing machine, he wants a free annual set of powder. He bought a laptop and asked for a bag, a mouse and a furniture set as a gift. This one will also have to be refused.
We must learn to say “no”: 7 best ways
- Show the person asking for the favor that you are currently completely focused on another task that you need to complete by a specific deadline. If in general you don't mind helping him, designate another time when you can return to this issue.
- Explain that you are currently overwhelmed with work and simply physically cannot find a “window” to fulfill the request efficiently. It is unlikely that he will be satisfied with the “fuck off” option of help.
- Express your refusal with the phrase: “I would like to help you out, but, unfortunately, I can’t do it right now.” It is not always necessary to explain your intentions. This way you will show that you are not ready to share all the circumstances of your personal life; set the boundaries of your private space.
- Ask for time to think about the offer. Let your interlocutor know that you will think about it and make a decision later. This way you can analyze what is happening, weigh everything and respond not impulsively, but rationally.
- Be upfront about how consent doesn't align with your priorities.
- The phrase “I’m sorry, but you turned to the wrong person for this” is also effective. You don't have to have an inexhaustible supply of experience, skills and knowledge to do any job. Sometimes it really is worth finding a more competent specialist.
- Share with the person asking that you are currently working on your ability to say “no” to things that make you uncomfortable. You can only be praised for such a desire.
How to refuse a job
30. I would like to help you.
Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week
«.
31. Thanks, but no.
Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.
32. Use facial expressions and gestures.
Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use your body language to demonstrate that you mean business, even when you refuse politely.
33. Buy time.
Use this as a last resort, otherwise you risk being inundated with requests later. You are simply postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: “ Let me think about it.”
«, «
I'll check my schedule and tell you
«.
34. I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you didn’t want it.
35. I really shouldn't.
This answer is suitable for times when you would like to say “Yes”, but feel that you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person will most likely respond so that you accept it without any doubt.
36. No way in the world!
This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.
37. I said "No."
This works with children or pushy consultants. Again, you need to be polite but firm.
38. This is not the best option.
This is a gentle way of saying “No” when, for example, someone asks you “Does this neon dress suit me?” Instead of responding harshly, say that this is not the best color and that you should try on a blue dress.
39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)
Use this phrase carefully, for example, in cases where someone is asking you to work for free or is trying to insult you.
40. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for.
It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person is expecting something from you that you cannot do, say “No” and say this phrase.
Types of failure
In psychology, there are several other options for politely and convincingly refusing a request.
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Frank
If you don’t have any justified reason for disagreement, there is no need to come up with excuses and justifications. You can briefly and clearly say: “I’m not interested in this,” “I won’t be able to find time for this.” If your opponent begins to persuade you, be persistent, defend your position until the person asking realizes that he should turn to someone else.
Sympathetic
This method is suitable when communicating with people who are accustomed to putting pressure on compassion. If you do not want to spoil a warm relationship with such a person, show your concern about the problem: “I’m really sorry, but I can’t help.”
Reasonable
This approach involves explaining the real reason that prevents you from agreeing to the service. Keep it short and to the point.
Deferred
If you know you're prone to making impulsive decisions, ask for a delay to think about your response. Tell them you'll respond later when you've reviewed your plans.
Compromise
You may not refuse at all, but offer your own conditions under which the request will be fulfilled. If they suit your interlocutor, agree. This method will allow both of you to remain in an advantageous position.
Diplomatic
Try to find a different solution to the problem together. For example: “Today I have a lot of other plans, perhaps tomorrow you will need my help?”
I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma —
another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something that he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you couldn’t be in society for the whole day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”
How to learn to politely say “no” to someone: 6 steps
By doing something that you don’t want to pay attention to, you are serving others while depriving yourself. Right today, from this moment, start mastering the skill of refusal so that everyone remains with their own area of responsibility. To do this, use the action diagram described below.
Train your brain
If you are used to constantly pleasing others and rarely think about your own interests, first let your mind adapt to the skill of refusal. Let your mind get used to the word “no”: repeat it out loud more often, use it in extended phrases. Rehearse various options for declining requests to get rid of unnecessary fears and anxiety.
Ask a question
To switch to a new worldview, practice and habit are needed. Having expressed an illusory refusal 80 times, you can easily voice it in a real situation, since for the brain it will no longer cause resistance.
Little denial
Practice on small things and with those people who are not difficult to refuse. These should be situations after which you will definitely not be tormented by a feeling of guilt, because they practically do not entail damage to others. But, having gained experience in small refusals and understood how not to offend a person, you can prepare for more serious decisions.
Track the moment
Whenever you need to decide something, allow yourself to pause and analyze what is happening. Remember your goal of learning to say “no” and understand what answer will be favorable based on your aspirations.
If it suddenly seems to you that your judgments are somewhat selfish, think about whether the behavior of others towards you is selfishness. Listen to your desires: agree when you want it, refuse otherwise. You only have one life and it's up to you to decide what to do with it.
Stop pleasing others
Realize that you have personal boundaries and principles that people you know should not cross. Be prepared that if you stop being good to everyone, you will lose some people from your environment who will not agree to adapt to your metamorphoses. And this is great: you will see for whom you really represent value as a person, and who just liked to take advantage of you.
The ability to say “no” makes you extremely inconvenient to others. They will probably point out to you that you have become completely different, it has become more difficult to communicate, and so on. Just ignore these attempts to make you soft, flexible and obsequious again. There is no point in living for people if you do not want to lose your own individuality and integrity. Let society know who you really are, what your values, principles, desires and interests are. Show us what you can do.
Be strong, unwavering and decisive.
How to learn how to properly refuse people’s requests and say “no”: start respecting yourself
Remember: every time you refuse someone, you come to an agreement with yourself. You definitely deserve to act based on your needs, and not the demands of society.
Self-love is the basis of any stage of development. Unfortunately, it is beneficial for society to make it easier for a person to be pushed around, controlled and used for its own purposes, so the desire to love one’s own “I” has been mixed with the concept of “selfishness.” In fact, selfish people do not just act within their own interests, but manipulate others for their own good. And to love yourself means to feel valuable, significant and worthy of more.
Become an independent person
Refuse to play the victim. Learn to interact with the surrounding space, feeling like a full and important part of it. To do this, sign up for my consultation and take a big step towards a new stage in your development.
Personal boundaries
The ability to say “no” is critical for every person.
She serves as a sign to the whole world: “I am a person. I have needs, tastes, preferences that are just as important as yours. And I can stand up for myself." When you say no, you are defining the limits of your sovereignty. The needs and demands of everyone else in the world are beyond the boundaries you draw. And inside are your own needs and aspirations. One reason you have difficulty looking after your own interests may be that your early decisions lead you to put other people's interests first and to view caring for yourself as selfish.
People with impaired self-esteem have particular problems with the word “no”. They feel unworthy to fight back against others. They do not feel empowered to set boundaries for their self. They are afraid that by saying “no” they will lose their job or friends, and they hope that by being agreeable they will not anger others.
Meanwhile, the fact that you don’t suit someone says nothing about whether you are good or bad, worthy of love or not.
If you do not limit the “territorial integrity” of your personality in time, the impression gradually accumulates that you are constantly being used for unknown purposes. Anyone can waste your time or squeeze you into space. You waste your time and energy for those who do not give you any joy in return.
In many cases, a simple “no” or “no thanks” is all that is needed to set personal boundaries. You don't have to explain anything. You don't need to apologize. The simpler the refusal, the more convincing and constructive it is. Your refusals, spoken in a kind, but quite confident tone, will create the feeling that you are not rejecting the person himself, but only his request. In other circumstances, you may want to explain yourself in more detail.
Turn a refusal into a compliment
Refuse the person, but turn your answer into a compliment for him.
You can say:
“Thank you so much for thinking about me! It's so nice of you". Or, “I appreciate this opportunity—it was so nice of you to ask me first.”
Based on materials from cnbc.com and quickanddirtytips.com
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We refuse an annoying friend who asks for a visit
There is a way out of any situation, the main thing is to refuse correctly and politely in time.
Comrades and friends who are asking for a visit have decided to welcome you into your home; you can politely and politely refuse them.
To do this, you need to listen to useful tips:
- Don't invite someone out of politeness. It won’t be difficult for an annoying person to come to you after empty words.
- It is better to immediately refuse hospitality and overnight accommodation to relatives than to later look for suitable phrases about separation.
- Inform friends and relatives that renovation work is underway in the apartment.
- Try to find inexpensive accommodation for guests to spend the night on your own.
- Try citing the presence of small children in your home or lack of room to sleep.
- Explain to guests that you will not be home on the days of their arrival.
Something to remember! Before inviting intrusive people over, you need to understand the whole situation so that you don’t have to refuse them hospitality.
