People who have negative traits often become the cause of toxic relationships. They can first create a false sense of security and then destroy your self-esteem. In toxic relationships, victims are often convinced that they are the problem, so they end up taking on the man's negative criticism. This can be confusing. Unfortunately, you may not even realize that you are in a relationship with a toxic person.
Here are the signs in the character of a man with whom a relationship will be toxic.
He's jealous of you
Does your partner behave politely, but deep down he envies and hates you? He may secretly compete or compare himself to you. Does he feel pain when you are successful or happy? Many who are dissatisfied with their lives hide their own disappointment when others achieve success or share good news.
Toxic partners feel inadequate and hide behind a smile, say nothing or say something negative in order to minimize their disappointment and prevent a blow to their self-esteem.
They feel like failures compared to the success of others. This highlights that they have not lived up to their own expectations. It seems unfair that others have done it better. You can't go higher. Otherwise, the man will crush you with destructive envy. He feels unhappy because of your happiness and may try to bring you down to lift himself up.
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Apology or compensation?
It’s not specifically about the word “sorry.” The offense, if you recognize it, can be assessed in the context of your relationship to understand how serious it is. Apologies are words. And compensation should be adequate to the offense you committed and the attitude towards the person. It is also important to do this in a timely manner, otherwise it will no longer be at the cash register.
Compensation must be adequate in both senses. If it is insufficient, it is bad. But there is no need to try to do more than is adequate to the situation. If your apology, which you consider to be exhaustive, is not accepted, then you need to leave, and not offer more.
What happened when you were late? This is not a girl’s whim, but a feeling of vulnerability, uselessness: “He doesn’t care about my time. Maybe then you won’t care about me?” . Of course, you may think that this is not such a serious offense. And if you try to make it up to him with the usual “sorry” or devalue him - “Come on, don’t sulk” - then you will not correct the situation. But if you clearly say, “Believe me, I don’t give a damn about you. I respect your time as well as mine. This is my mistake, I should have called ,” then this will be sufficient and adequate compensation.
He criticizes or devalues you to build himself up.
If you are in a toxic relationship with someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, they may experience pleasure in suppressing success by beating them or making devaluing comments to put themselves up. He doesn't even feel inadequate, but criticizes others in order to rise higher.
He inflates his self-esteem to convince others of how good he is, but in reality this is not the case at all. Because he feels superior, he never shows approval.
Resentments are piling up
You need to understand that the offense must be compensated for by something. She doesn't disappear without a trace. You can’t take it and forget that they treated you wrong and continue to live, pretending that nothing happened. Thus, one of your unredeemed offenses will automatically give rise to others. Did you offend her with lies or betrayal? This is one misdemeanor. But you don’t apologize further - this is the second one. You continue to live with her as if nothing had happened - this is the third. You're lying again - fourth. And so on.
The girl still wants to be with you because she is suffering from the thought of leaving. But now your figure begins to be bound by negativity. She loves you, but you are now associated with pain.
You know that creating distance, ignoring, can increase your importance. And this happens even after an insult. But in fact, each time you become further apart from each other. At some point, what separates you will become greater than what unites you. The situation turns around, and ignoring on your part works in the opposite direction.
He makes you feel guilty
Toxic people blame others for their mistakes and find ways to hide their actions so they can appear white and fluffy. They will find a way to spin the problem so that it is your fault.
A weak man avoids humiliation caused by shame in every possible way, so he distorts the truth and tries not to take responsibility in order to hide his mistakes. He does this by finding faults in others and blaming them for their presence.
If he lost his job, it's entirely the boss's fault. If he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, it was because she constantly cheated and was completely crazy. If he cheated, he did it only so as not to bother you. A toxic man is in an illusion and believes himself to be perfect, so he shifts the blame to others.
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Failure to keep promises
Any person is obliged to keep his word: no matter what gender or age he is. You can't get away with breaking promises. If a man does not keep his word once, then this will happen again the second, and the third, and the fifth.
Another thing is force majeure circumstances, when a person simply failed to fulfill his promise. But in this case, a normal man will still apologize and explain that he had a good reason. If a person did not do what he promised and did not repent in any way, then communication with him can be stopped.
He is using you for his own purposes.
Even if you expose your true intentions, the man will deny in every possible way. First he tries to lure you into a relationship. However, he soon rejects or devalues if his needs are not a priority. It can even ruin your success.
A man wants approval, money, love, support from you. However, after the date, he disappears exactly until he needs something again. He pretends that he is interested in you only as long as he gets his own benefit.
He feels good about focusing on himself and using others to achieve his goals. Sometimes he just wants someone to admire or inflate his ego when it's deflated.
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What is a misdemeanor?
Each of us has our own territory, located within our personal borders. This is familiar and safe territory, your “home”. If you leave yours, there are two dangers:
- You will enter someone else's territory, where you may not have been invited.
- You will stumble, you will fail, you will stumble.
You can only be responsible for your territory. Anything can happen outside of it.
Now about how to distinguish a real offense from a far-fetched one. The girl tells you:
“You, as a man, should have done this. Otherwise, why do I need you? . Now, having learned what is hidden behind the words “this,” you can determine how adequate the girl’s claims are. If this is an encroachment on your personal boundaries, then you did not offend her. If you didn't do what you really should have done, it's a misdemeanor.
“You're very late. Could you have warned me?” . Objectively, there are no excuses for being late (unless it is force majeure) - it doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman. If there is an agreement and it is not fulfilled, this is a misdemeanor.
“I expected you to transfer me money. You knew that I went with my friends to have fun . This is objectively a girl’s jamb. Of course, if giving her money in such a situation is your obligation to her (there are such relationships), then you are wrong. In other cases, you don’t have to react to such an “offense.” Better yet, make it clear that this should not happen again.
You don't need to be a psychologist to understand how to behave correctly in such situations, or to imagine how the other person feels when you behave incorrectly. For example, if you were late, but decided to distance yourself in response to a fair claim, then the girl will understand that you don’t care about her. She will suffer from this, but as soon as she experiences these feelings, she will understand that she no longer feels anything for you.
In the example where she demands money (even though she has no right to it), the girl leaves her territory and attacks your borders. If in this case you responded by moving away, this is already a clear signal: don’t do this again, otherwise you will lose what you already have. This is adequate cooling, because the offense is the girl’s.
That's why it's important to monitor your behavior and evaluate your actions towards the people who matter to you. Because if you don’t notice your wrongdoing, it can give rise to a whole chain of grievances and lead to separation. If you recklessly rush to correct something that is not your fault, you may lose yourself in this relationship.
He pretends to be false to hide his rotten essence
Those with toxic personality traits may lull you into a false sense of trust to cloud the critical thinking that helps you spot a creep. However, toxic relationships feel empty because the person is unable to open up about themselves.
He will tell people what they want to hear and imitate what they need in order for them to achieve their own goals. The truth will be revealed when they stop being emotionally available to the needs of others.
A fine line
All the fears of men (and girls, too, by the way) about losing themselves in the event of an apology are based on the fact that it is not always easy to understand one’s guilt. Many people are accustomed to never admitting their guilt, but they usually remain lonely in adulthood. No one wants to commit themselves to a person who loves and values only himself.
On the other hand, if you encourage your partner for far-fetched grievances, then you really can lose self-respect, lose yourself. Therefore, it is very important to feel the difference.
- You need to watch your actions, especially in relation to people you care about.
- It should be important to you how a person feels.
- If you really offend, you need to correct the situation, apologize.
- If you apologize when there is no guilt, you lose your personal boundaries and your importance falls.
The problem is that a person can feel guilty even when he does nothing wrong. But this is a topic for another conversation.
He has no sympathy or remorse
He has no sympathy or remorse for how he treats people because he feels that he has the right to behave based only on his own needs and without regard to others.
If a girl does not live up to his expectations, he is completely sure that he can deceive her or look for a relationship on the side.
He pretends to be kind or pretends to be sympathetic to get people to be there and give them what they need. You are only needed if you serve their needs. Otherwise, your feelings don't matter.
Is it bad for a man to apologize?
Let's imagine a situation: you did something that greatly offended your girlfriend, but for some reason you did not apologize to her. By insult I do not mean something far-fetched, but a real offense on your part. You did what you would not want to do to yourself - deception, betrayal, cruelty, disrespect.
As a result, the girl leaves, or at least withdraws very much into herself and does not come out of this state. You want to somehow solve this problem, preferably in a way that you don’t have to apologize. And then you come across one of the articles (videos) on the Internet in which a man advises with complete confidence not to apologize. They say that girls like strong men, and admitting your guilt means humiliating your own manhood in front of her. “It’s better to be offended than to see that you are capable of giving back!”
In such situations, it is often advised to ignore - until she gets tired of being offended, and she herself comes with an apology. Does it work? Yes, sometimes it works. But a limited number of times. Because such relationships don't last long. So these men walk around - proud, but lonely. This is indeed a very convenient strategy. Until you understand that no one really needs you like that.
- A misdemeanor, a bad attitude towards a person, does not go away and is not forgotten.
- Yes, your subjective importance may increase at this moment, but not for long.
- Your figure grows, but at the same time it begins to repel.
- With further grievances, a person makes a strong-willed decision to leave. Even if I have feelings for you.
A girl can really get over herself and put up with you after you offend her. But she can't resist the fact that a wall naturally grows between you. She may be drawn to you, but she is no longer able to overcome the barrier that has arisen - when it becomes large enough after a number of misdeeds. It is much easier to survive the suffering of a breakup than to agree to the eternal role of the victim.
He evaluates you through his own behavior
Toxic people project their feelings of inadequacy onto others, finding something wrong with them. They are delusional and see everyone through their own projections. They accuse you of being a cheat, worthless, selfish, or a fraud, even though they hide it to themselves. You will be attacked or insulted for things that are not true.
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Contempt
Disrespect can manifest itself in different situations and in different areas. Comparison with exes (and not in favor of the current passion), downplaying merits, devaluing achievements, flirting with other women in front of the chosen one - all these are examples of disrespectful attitude. This cannot be forgiven under any circumstances.
Usually this is done by those people who are accustomed to asserting themselves at the expense of others. Until a person works on himself and becomes a self-sufficient person, there is no need to try to build a family with him.
