Unforgiven grievances are pain points in a person’s soul
How often are we told that offenses must be forgiven. And, it seems, this should be an obvious thing, especially for a Christian who understands the importance of forgiveness. But why in the vast majority of cases does a psychotherapist encounter the topic of one or another unforgiveness in his work? With unforgiveness that prevents a person from living, with unprocessed grievances that burn out a person’s soul.
Often we approach the topic of forgiveness formally: we say “I forgive” without sincerely forgiving. We pretend that we have forgiven, formally following social and religious “norms and rules.” We do not open the abscess, but drive it deep inside. But the abscess is not going anywhere. So grievances are ulcers hidden deep inside that may not hurt for some time, but in the end they still begin to put pressure, cause “inflammation,” etc. A classic example is children’s grievances against parents hidden from themselves, often quite fair. Moreover, to the insult itself there is also added a feeling of guilt for the insult, which can be more painful than the pain itself: “After all, parents are sacred! They must be read! How can you be offended by them!” And we try again and again to suppress this resentment, not realizing that suppression does not heal, but only drives the problem inside. But reverence does not mean that there is no need to sort out your pain and resentment associated with your parents.
Hidden problem
Sometimes aggression and anger after a partner’s apology can be an indicator of deep psychological trauma, a hidden problem. It is likely that your interlocutor touched a nerve and reminded you of an unpleasant episode from the past. You may not even understand why exactly you are angry with him and what provoked such aggression, but you can’t help yourself.
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Anger can indeed mask old traumas. There have probably been cases in your life when an innocent statement caused a storm of indignation among your interlocutor and you generally could not understand the reason for the aggression. Unfortunately, a similar episode could happen to you now. Try to analyze the cause and source of your negative emotions. Did your partner really want to offend you or did you just take his words with hostility? Maybe it's not about him, but about you? If you can’t deal with your feelings on your own, then it’s better to seek help from a psychologist.
Almost every person has an unforgiven grudge.
Unforgiven grievances are one of the most common problems in marital relationships, when family life turns into an ever-increasing ball of mutual grievances. Over time, when this lump reaches gigantic proportions, it almost inevitably leads to the destruction of the marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legally formalized divorce or a formal cohabitation of strangers, hostile people.
But there are also very “strange” grievances, grievances that most people do not admit to themselves. About which they will say: “This is definitely not about me! This is impossible, disgusting, disgusting and immoral!” I'm talking about resentment towards loved ones because they... died. It sounds very strange. But ask yourself: “Am I not offended that I was abandoned? Am I offended by a parent, a spouse, a child, a deceased person close to me - because he left me here alone, because he hurt me so much by leaving?” The mind will scream that this is nonsense, that your loved one is not to blame for the fact that he died, that he did not want to leave you alone. But someone small and unhappy inside us knows that the right words do not make him feel better, that pain and resentment live on. From my own experience, I will say that almost all people who have experienced a loss have this resentment, in one form or another.
“Processing” an apology
Any words must be supported by actions. Accordingly, you need to discuss further steps with your partner. If he really did wrong and the problem is his, then thank him for his apology and tell him what steps he needs to take. When you voice your expectations, then it will be easier for him to understand what you want from him and not make the same mistakes in the future.
If your partner is guilty again and again for the same reason, come up with some consequences for him. Make it clear that your partner can only count on you if you can count on them. If his words are not supported by actions, then you need to bring the person to a frank conversation.
Formal “I’m sorry, I forgive” without genuine forgiveness has no meaning
What do we mean by the word “forgive”? Forget and pretend that nothing happened? Just as before, rejoice at the person who hurt you?.. From a psychotherapeutic point of view, to forgive means to let go. That is, not to experience pain, worries, anger, rage towards a person.
If you feel like some unforgiven resentment (incoming or outgoing) is gnawing at you, try to sincerely let it go. Yes, this is working with your soul. “That’s it, I don’t want to be offended anymore, because it makes me feel bad, not the person I’m offended by, it devours me and doesn’t let me live.”
The problem is that people very often ask for forgiveness or forgive formally: “Oh, forgive me, please” - “Oh, come on, I’m not offended by you.” But there is no real letting go of the problem. Believe me, formal “I’m sorry, I forgive” do not work.
What to say when they apologize?
Accepting an apology is not always easy . After all, it is important that they be sincere.
Plus, the degree of resentment varies—in some cases, the word “Sorry” and a childish, sweet, friendly expression won’t get you off.
How to learn to respond to apologies and determine their motives?
- Take a closer look at non-verbal language. Gestures, intonation, emphasis in a sentence - all this non-verbal information can characterize the sincerity of the offender who has decided to take the first step towards reconciliation. If the desire to make amends comes from the heart, a person will not use sarcasm, jokes or irony. On the contrary, there will not be a single hint of a smile on his face. If he realized that he had offended you and decided to apologize, it means he realized the seriousness of the situation. Consequently, in a conversation he will be collected, focused and polite.
- Formulation . “I realized that my action was bad, I was rude to you and I think it’s terrible” - this is from the bottom of my heart. The speaker in the first person understands guilt. Another case when: “Sorry, it’s my fault, but...”. Then there are excuses (defensive position) in the spirit of “You yourself brought me down,” “You are also to blame,” and so on. Of course, often both are to blame for the conflict. But such construction of sentences does not aim to apologize, it is an attempt to justify oneself, and sometimes to cause a feeling of guilt in yourself. That is, shift responsibility onto you.
After you have mentally determined the sincerity of your intentions, decide for yourself whether you are ready to accept an apology. It all depends on the context and format of the relationship between you.
If a loved one offends you with enviable consistency, then you should think about the advisability of such contact.
If the offending act happened for the first time, by accident and in general, such behavior is uncharacteristic for a person - it is worth forgiving .
Once you have overcome the “Accept or not accept an apology” stage and decided to meet halfway, you can do the following:
- Gratitude . When we truly repent, it can be difficult to approach a person who is upset with us. Purely psychologically - shameful, awkward. Therefore, apologies can be suppressed, modest, and uncertain. Therefore, if an honest person who shows real repentance asks for forgiveness from you, thank and praise him for his courage. For example: “Okay, apology accepted. You’re a great fellow, I appreciate your action.” The interlocutor on the contrary will already understand that this time you are sincere.
- Focus on the cause of the offense. For example, you were offended by a lie.
Then after the words “I appreciate your words, it’s good that I found the strength to apologize,” explain the specific reason if it was not mentioned earlier. “I was offended by the fact of lying, let’s not do that again.” The point is to convey specific reasons to the person, so that he makes a mental note that he cannot do this in the future. - Strengthening contact . If you had a falling out due to an accident or misunderstanding, the process of apologizing and accepting it is a good start to continue to strengthen the relationship. You can take the first step and invite the person to spend time together. But it is not recommended to do this right away; you need to wait a pause (at least a day). Otherwise, you may get the impression that you are a quick-witted person, and therefore will endure a couple more offensive actions and attacks directed at you.
But what exactly you shouldn’t do is say “Nonsense”, “No big deal”, “Everything is fine, forget it”.
It's not just that it's not true . After all, if the action didn’t hurt, then you wouldn’t be offended.
The negative effect of such phrases is that you are, in a sense, giving the green light to do the same in the future. The person has crossed the boundaries in communication and you, instead of conventionally saying “Stop,” allow him to go further.
You shouldn’t hide a grudge or reduce its significance if it really offended you. Otherwise, those around you will receive a signal to action - they will begin to treat you superficially and frivolously.
Should we forgive those who do not ask for forgiveness?
Forgive. But how? Will saying “I must forgive” solve the problem? No. After all, what is resentment? This is our reaction to actions that hurt our weak point. But if we simply tell ourselves that “we must forgive the offense,” then our weak point will not go away. We will remain his hostage. But if we tell ourselves that we want to forgive, then we will have to find the source of resentment within ourselves. We will have to find this weak point, we will have to work on it. And then the resentment will be released, because it will have no point of application left. And our soul will become a little freer.
What if a person doesn’t want your forgiveness?
It is important to understand that there is always some kind of psychological game behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness.” Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.
You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again, and I have to be ready for it. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.
This is not the apology you deserve
Actions always speak louder than words. Sometimes it happens that you hear endless “sorry”, but do not observe any changes for the better. What exactly is an apology? This is when a person realizes his guilt, draws certain conclusions and assumes that a similar situation will not happen again in the future. When everything returns to normal, these apologies are worthless.
In psychology there is such a thing as a “trigger”. This is a stimulus, usually external (a word, an action, etc.), that causes you to fall under the influence of emotions. If we relate this to the situation we are considering, we get the following picture. The partner constantly apologized, but after that he systematically made the same mistakes. And once again, when he said, “I’m sorry,” you felt like you were going to explode in anger. How long can you talk about the same thing and not draw any conclusions? It's really annoying and it's that "Sorry" thing that becomes a powerful trigger.
You can ask for forgiveness not only with words
Don't forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness with words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he simply cannot say these three cherished words. But often such people try to show with all their appearance and actions that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Does this count as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words, which again lead us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, did I break your leg? Well, excuse me, please."
This is not an apology at all
We are very sensitive to each other's energy, and therefore apologies that are given in anger and aggression are met with the same emotional tone in response. Agree that the word “Sorry” can be pronounced with different intonations, and our acceptance or non-acceptance of an apology depends on this.
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“Imaginary repentance” can infuriate you when a person apologizes simply in order to quickly close the topic and so that the partner will leave him alone: stop pestering him with moralizing, shaming, lamenting, etc. In such situations, the word “Sorry” implies a completely different phrase . For example, a wife asked her husband to fix the kitchen faucet over the weekend while she was on a business trip. Upon returning, the woman discovers that her request was not fulfilled and asks her husband why he did not fix the breakdown. To which the spouse replies “Well, sorry,” which means “I forgot, so what now? Do you need to nag me for this all evening?” It is not surprising that after such an apology the wife will become even more angry.
It is very important to learn to admit when you are wrong
Our reader fears: “You seem to feel that you are obliged to ask for forgiveness, although perhaps you are only partly to blame. But what if a person perceives your request for forgiveness as an admission of your surrender?
On the one hand, we are most likely again dealing with some kind of distorted relationship. Why are you so afraid that your apology will be perceived as capitulation? Don’t you think that if in response to your apology you expect the person to say: “Yeah, you capitulated!”, this means that your relationship is developing in some scandalous and destructive way? Do you really need this? Isn't this a reason to radically change the relationship?
On the other hand, it often happens that a person is absolutely right in content, but wrong in form. If, for example, you didn’t like something in the behavior of another and you made an ugly scandal about it, yelled so much that the person left in tears, of course, you should say: “Sorry, I made a terrible scandal, I absolutely did not right But at the same time, I still don’t like the behavior to which I reacted so stupidly and ugly.”
It is important for any child and adult to learn to admit their mistakes. You are not required to completely admit your guilt for everything. If you feel like you are wrong about something, you need to ask for forgiveness for specific things. And when you sincerely admit your mistake, when you jointly analyze why this happened, how to fix it, how not to repeat it in the future - this is much more effective for both you and those around you than simply shouting: “I’m to blame, forgive me, sorry!" This is what a healthy relationship is - when people try to work through the situation, understand what caused the conflict and sort out their mistakes.
Constructive dialogue
Do you know why sometimes we are not satisfied with apologies? Because we cannot convey the reason for our offense. To help your partner understand you better, include the following points in your explanation:
- tell us why exactly and what you were offended by;
- take responsibility for your own actions;
- do not take an accusatory position;
- Give your partner the opportunity to justify himself.
Your goal is to convey to the person what worries you and suggest ways to solve the problem. Only a constructive dialogue will help you come to a compromise and dot all the i's.
