Many effective techniques have been written about how to get rid of a grudge against a person, from complex psychotherapeutic ones to those that you can do yourself at home. The relevance of the topic is constant, because This is one of the difficult feelings, and not acute, experienced by passion, after which liberation follows, but toxic, interfering with the normal flow of life. Resentment can come through in all statements, leave an imprint on further interaction, spoiling relationships even when the offender is not directly notified of his offense and may remain in the ignorance and confidence of a wonderful relationship.
If we analyze this feeling, then the complexity of the work is due to the fact that it is anger, aggression towards the wrong attitude, unacceptable actions, but stopped by love. When you don’t want to ruin a significant relationship or engage in active confrontation so as not to hurt someone else, all the negativity is locked inside. She never treats ordinary passers-by and unfamiliar people, because there is no love and affection that translates aggression into resentment.
Tips on how to get rid of resentment
Simple practices on how to get rid of feelings of resentment come down to restoring balance. Essentially, this experience occurs when we try to demand the treatment that is due to us, be it respect, a gift, time spent together, or the absence of offensive words. To stop manipulating with a sour facial expression and small reproaches, you will have to turn on reflection and admit to your ego what critically important things it does not receive in interaction, but the person himself is still of great value.
As soon as the presence of resentment is recognized, it no longer controls the experience and it can be controlled, and the more clearly it is drawn, the better, so it is recommended to write down who and specifically why you were offended, that the person did such a terrible thing. It helps well to write down what you are waiting for, so that you feel better - an apology, a gift, a change in your lifestyle, and perhaps you will understand that the person did not mean to cause harm. If it is not possible to find satisfying ways of redemption, then we are talking about unconstructive behavior, because if it is an offense against a fact, then it can be forgiven, and what cannot be redeemed cannot be endured. Often, resentment can arise as a child’s reaction to dissatisfaction of whims, and only responsibility, and not attempts to knock out one’s happiness from others, fills one’s emotions emotionally.
How to get rid of resentment towards people? Psychological techniques include, instead of cultivating negativity inside, talk to the person, if this is still possible. While you put yourself in a position of resentment, it creates a false sense of power, that you are owed, in reality, mature relationships are built on interaction and clarification. After talking, you can understand the motives of his actions and perhaps see development in this for yourself. It happens that different principles of communication can be interpreted differently, and the meaning was only in misunderstanding. Having come across the fact that a person really hurt you and is going to do the same in the future, then you have a unique chance to get out of a destructive relationship, instead of trying to manipulate. But do not start a dialogue while emotions are still fresh, give time for the most acute phase to pass, otherwise, behind your own pain, you only risk turning passive dissatisfaction into a real open conflict with the classics of accusations and remembering all the negativity over the past years.
Algorithm for entering an offense.
Let's analyze what attitudes you used to get offended. Resentment is a child's emotional reaction. Envy, resentment and jealousy are children's ways of reacting when more complex mechanisms are not learned and not habitual. Our inner child is selfish and he wants to get what he wants by any means. As a child, it was enough to pout and the tension around us would subside; usually people would begin to feel sorry for us and love us.
As teenagers, we ran away from the discrepancy between reality and our picture of the world by resentfully joining subcultures (goths, punks, emo) or demonstrating protest behavior. But the psyche matures and becomes more complex. An adult cannot afford to shake the foundations by which everything was created. He analyzes the cause-and-effect relationships of what is happening. Demands not only from others, but also from himself. Explores the world. Creates and develops situations as he needs it. He controls reality, and does not go with the flow, being offended that it is taking him in the wrong direction. And of course, he respects the feelings of other people without causing them offense or pain.
Children's grievances.
When we function on instincts, we analyze little of what is happening and, because of this, we are not offended. When the cubs, pushing each other away, strive for the mother's papilla, they selfishly follow their goal, and are not offended because they were pushed away by other competitors for the mother's nourishing papilla. Cubs instinctively strive for what they want.
Resentment is a later psychological reaction, when desires are already realized, and the desires of other people are also realized. When these desires overlap each other and do not coincide, and sometimes even contradict, we begin to defend “ours” physically and mentally by any means available to us.
Resentment is the most painless way for a weak child to get out of a conflict without defending his boundaries, but without giving up . This is an opportunity to achieve what you want using self-pity. But if the desire is still not satisfied, frustration arises and, as a consequence, aggression. Therefore, resentment always requires revenge or satisfaction to relieve the resulting mental tension.
Adult grievances.
Older people, if they find themselves in a situation where they are weak, ineffective or unprotected, also regress to earlier psycho-emotional reactions. After all, in order to form new reactions in this situation, time, effort and skills are required.
The offense algorithm is based on five mental operations: inflated or simply different expectations + imposing these expectations on reality + comparison with a certain standard + the inability to protect oneself, one’s values and interests + making the decision to be offended, instead of some other way of resolving the situation.
Recommendations from psychologists
Psychologists offer techniques on how to get rid of resentment and anger. Since resentment is associated with non-acceptance of some behavior of another, you will have to get acquainted with the true manifestations of personalities and subpersonalities, without trying to ignore what was unnecessary. Trying to disguise rudeness towards animals, then we are offended that we are pushed away when we explain insults addressed to employees as their fault, and then we are hurt by swearing in our direction - then it is not the person who has become bad, it is we ourselves who have pushed him into the desired position image and now we demand compliance.
A psychologist's recommendations on how to get rid of resentment include the following. It will be necessary to remember all the qualities of a person, the slightest but constant negative manifestations, and perhaps even write them down. After a while, the list needs to be re-read without correction, excuses, or plans to change someone else’s life paradigm. There is such a person, he will not change and only you can continue to decide whether to stay in the relationship, at what distance and how exactly to control the negativity in your direction, but do not change the person.
If the problem is discussed and the partner’s personality is seen without embellishment, and the lump of resentment continues to eat from the inside, it is best to work with your own experiences. They are deeply deposited in the body, since society does not allow feelings to be fully reacted and resentment itself is stopped energy - all this remains in the body. Therefore, meditative practices, swimming, and relaxation can greatly help get rid of physical symptoms. If more anger is stuck, then you need to release it more actively - sports, jogging, hitting a punching bag. Some can dance their emotions, others paint them on paper - these are all great ways to give vent to resentment without escalating the situation and without making your partner feel guilty with constant whining and nagging after a frank conversation.
Take control of your own activity and instead of replaying an unpleasant event, answer options and whipping up your own dissatisfaction, cut off this flow. Start engaging in some kind of hobby, and not calling your partner for a conversation, see what you can please yourself with now and do it instead of waiting for someone else.
When love is knocked out of us by force, we usually don’t want to give it back, a person with constant reproaches is avoided in order to preserve oneself, and a crying person can only be hugged the first few times, then it has a depressing effect. Mature individuals, who themselves regulate their existential needs and emotional manifestations, remove the burden of responsibility from the other and allow freedom to be expressed in relationships. It’s also good to look for what you can thank a person for, and the more such moments you find, the faster gratitude will crowd out unnecessary resentment. It’s great if you can do this for your entire life, then against the backdrop of one small unpleasant moment there will be many inspiring ones, and although resentment will appear, it will not be able to completely destroy your existence.
Resentment from a psychological point of view
Resentment is a negative emotion that arises from unfair, aggressive and vile actions towards an individual.
From a psychological point of view, resentment can be directed at a specific person or spread to the entire environment. Psychologists consider resentment one of the most destructive feelings, the fueling of which requires constant expenditure of energy and mental strength. The content of the article:
- Resentment from a psychological point of view
- What kind of grievances are there?
- How to cope with resentment and how can a psychologist help?
Characteristic signs of resentment are intense anger towards the offender and a feeling of self-pity. These emotions do not allow a person to develop normally and build relationships with other people, giving rise to anxiety, uncertainty and mistrust. That is why you need to learn to forgive people, first of all, for your own good and peace of mind. If resentment has penetrated deeply into your consciousness and you cannot cope on your own, a professional psychologist will help you fight it.
Resentment towards husband
Romantic relationships become commonplace, trepidation as with crystal vases goes away, and here many resentments arise, both at the changed attitude and at the manifestation of some traits of the spouse that were not previously noticed. While you simply ask not to act in a certain way, and you are ignored, the feeling of resentment grows and may soon explode into a break in the relationship or severe psychosomatics. The constant accumulation of such toxic negativity inside carries frustration tendencies, so it is necessary to get rid of resentment towards your husband as soon as possible in order to preserve your own health, if not your family.
How to get rid of resentment towards your husband? The main mistake is silence, which leads to the fact that a war is brewing inside, and a person thinks that everything is fine. If you do not voice that you are hurt and unpleasant, then you will be constantly offended, and the one who is trying to withstand everything will be put under more and more pressure until you drop dead. Even a close and beloved man will not guess what you want, so only a frank dialogue and the establishment of rules can save the situation. Some men prefer not to interfere in a woman’s experiences so much that they even ignore crying from the bathroom, believing that she needs to be alone, and if she needs him, she will say it herself.
Dialogue is necessary as a preventive measure, but if resentment towards the husband has already settled, then it needs to be thrown out. We remember that this is stopped anger and in our own imagination we remove all restrictions. Forget alone with yourself that you love this person, scold him with all the words that come to mind, hit his imaginary face, if the negativity is particularly strong, you can even write a story about his death or visualize the funeral. The point is not to take revenge, but to legalize negative experiences. As soon as the anger is fully experienced, other emotions will begin to appear, perhaps warmth and forgiveness, perhaps disappointment or dull acceptance of the fact, but this is the dynamics of getting out of the offense.
Resentment is always a message
All human behavior is communication, and it carries a certain message, a message. There is no behavior without a message. Even refusal to communicate is also a message. For example, a man decided to go as a hermit into the Amazon jungle and never see anyone again. In this action you can also “hear” the message:
- “I feel bad with you, I’m leaving”
- or “I cannot live among you because you...”
- or “I am unique, I don’t need anyone”
Feeling resentful is also a message. When you are purposefully offended, this is a message from the offender to you (“you are not important,” “I don’t respect you,” “everything will be my way anyway”). When you show your resentment through specific behavior (ignoring, remaining silent, crying, taking revenge) - this is a different message from you to the offender.
There is no behavior without a message. Even refusal to communicate is also a message.
The purpose of resentment is for the opponent to experience negative feelings. The person who insults you clearly wants to do you harm. A person who is silent because he is offended also wants you to suffer - from helplessness, conscience, guilt.
Resentment towards parents
There is an opinion that if you get rid of resentment towards your parents, then other negative aspects will also decrease, because this is the pattern from childhood that has the greatest impact on adult life. Without forgiving our parents for something, we continue to demand it from all of reality, our friends and partners, while it is impossible to satiate this hole. This is the kind of resentment that everyone has in their history, no matter how the rest of their lives turn out. Even childhood traumas remain bleeding, and an unbought duck can torment the soul for years, because this is not at all about a rubber product, but about a sense of self-worth or uselessness.
It is very difficult for a little man to resist adults, because... there is a biological prohibition on expressing dissatisfaction, because his life, hunger, comfort and development directly depend on the satisfaction of the parent. This is how resentment is formed when a child tries to adapt and does not express aggression, but tries to get his way differently, through pity or silence. If the methods of getting offended on every occasion work, then this behavior is reinforced and there is resentment against the universe as a way of manipulation. To prevent this from going further and destroying relationships with children, you need to learn to forgive your elders, this opens up the birth canals of energy and gives you the opportunity to receive support.
How to get rid of resentment towards parents? What stretches from childhood becomes easier to let go of in adulthood, when you have the opportunity to put yourself in the place of a parent. So many motives become clear, and we become grateful, seeing what gross mistakes and consequences this saved us from.
Think about your care for someone that causes rebellion in him and then it becomes easier to feel the hopelessness of the parental situation, when everything is done for development and is met only with negativity.
Find something to be grateful for - if you didn’t get help, then it taught you independence; if you didn’t indulge all your whims, then it taught you how to use little; if you didn’t spend a lot of time, then you developed the ability to entertain yourself. Any behavior gives us a chance to get something, the main thing is to find it and thank it.
Algorithm for getting out of resentment.
Stage 1. Awareness of the offense.
At the first stage of psychotherapy for grievances, the grievance is realized. To do this, you need to write down (precisely write down) on a piece of paper everything that first comes to mind about the source of your offense. What exactly are you offended by? What kind of people hurt you? What actions? What specific words or situations offended you?
In therapy, it is necessary to work with paper and pen. Please note that the processes that flow in our heads seem understandable and logical to us, but as soon as we start telling it to other people or putting it into the epistolary genre, very often we end up with clumsy material that is incomprehensible to others or sometimes even to ourselves. What happens in our head is some mixture of thoughts, emotions, beliefs and misconceptions. A kind of mental porridge, a mental stirrer. And when you write down your thoughts, sometimes even in the most unexpected way they may seem absurd to you. And that's okay. This is what has accumulated in your subconscious. Something that pushes other thoughts and processes. This is exactly what we need to work with, separating the seeds from the chaff. Therapy is working with material, and material is the squeeze that we get from the client, helping him to separate causes from effects, thoughts from emotions, contrived from the real, his own from what he heard somewhere.
Stage 2. Awareness of feelings.
You become aware of the feelings and emotions that arise in situations that offend you. Their color and intensity. Depth and taste. This is also recorded on paper, even if you work independently. What does it look like? For example: “They stepped on my foot - I felt such and such emotions”, “I was rude in line - such and such emotions”, “I was humiliated, betrayed by a loved one - such and such emotions.” Here you will pay attention to what emotions trigger the process of resentment. What emotions do you run from into offense?
Stage 3. Track the conflict.
Track the conflict of interests that became the cause of the confrontation and, as a consequence, exit this exhausting process through resentment. Usually, resentment does not occur with all people. We trigger resentment when we begin to drown in emotions. Keep track of which people and in what situations this happens. Keep track of similar situations in your life. Where has this happened before? What are the conflicts of interest? What did you want? What did you expect? What did they want and expect from you?
It is important here not to confuse resentment with detachment and distancing of people. If a person of little importance is rude, they simply stop communicating with him, but do not feel any emotions. This is not an insult, but a cleansing of your environment and a healthy choice with whom and how to deeply contact. Resentment is when there is a large amount of emotions under the skin, which sometimes even continue to grow, usually interfering with living, sleeping, eating, working, loving, and building relationships with other people. Resentment is when there is a need for the offended person, but it cannot be satisfied due to a conflict of interest. This conflict of interest needs to be monitored.
Stage 4. Analysis of psychological defenses that led to offense.
Most often, resentment arises as a result of childhood trauma. This transfer should be tracked. Resentment towards a parent can be transferred to a partner, friend, teacher and even the president of the country. Therefore, when analyzing emotions, remember whether they have arisen before? What does it look like?
Very often clients say “He (she) is like my mother” or “He (she) is like my father”, starting to compare the chosen one with a parent. In this case, we can observe the transfer of childhood resentment and childish claims to the partner. All such comparisons also need to be recorded, leaving the mechanism of the offense itself to the bottom line. What exactly are you offended by? Where did she come from? Sometimes this is a banal lack of attention, the deficit of which arose in childhood. Lack of love or lack of security.
Some people are offended by only one word, but are cold towards other statements because that particular word was thrown at them in the past and then it was very painful. The person did not know how to defend himself, he was not taught or he lacked the strength. Therefore, all he could do was rely on the mechanism of “justice-injustice” of this world and be offended, suppressing tears and pain. But every time someone utters this key word, which activates old grievances, the situation repeats itself, pictures of the past and those emotional situations that had to be experienced then in that dependent and unprotected state appear before the eyes.
Sometimes even a physically strong person who is beaten by his father may be afraid to enter into conflict with a weaker opponent. This happens because the defeat mechanism is already built into the head and has formed strong neural connections in his brain from early childhood. These neural networks are activated when the receptors receive the same signals that formed them. Some people get offended when comparing them to others. Some people get nervous about competition. Someone only gets hurt if they are not loved or heard enough. The reasons for the offense may vary. Define yours.
Stage 5. Resentment as a defensive reaction.
Resentment can be not only an escape from conflict, but a defensive reaction of the psyche from the need to carry out introspection or any activity. For example, a boss yells at his subordinates. Perhaps initially he gave orders, but either he gave them unclearly, or his subordinates did not understand or did not fulfill these requirements, and now it happens that the boss is shouting. The reaction of subordinates may vary. They can respond constructively by taking note of the information and begin working and solving problems that they missed. Or they can become destructively offended, feeling like idiots or victims, and accordingly placing the boss in the role of the oppressor. Such resentment is beneficial because it justifies procrastination, allowing you to continue not to stress too much.
Or an employee avoids communication with his superiors when the boss calls him in and criticizes him. He is offended, trying to justify himself, shift responsibility, and please. Very interesting things about the subordinate can be revealed here. It may turn out that despite all the diplomas, regalia, merits, flattering reviews, the bottom line is that he is an empty place. People don't like to feel this way. Therefore, the employee prefers to be offended by the boss rather than admit it. A person’s self-esteem may not be able to withstand the level of pain that is covered by resentment, which allows him to shift the focus to other people’s shortcomings. By the same principle, people are offended by society, the system, the state, the government, without having established anything in their lives and without being able to realize goals and ideas on their own.
According to the same scheme, we replace many of our vices with resentment. A husband may demand delicious dinners from his wife, and she may react offendedly to this by starting to reproach him for something simply because she does not like to cook and does not know how. A wife may demand that her husband stop drinking alcohol with friends, and he may react offendedly, twisting her request or sometimes even a plea for a normal life and healthy relationships into the fact that she wants to make him henpecked. And all because this man, in principle, is not capable of a healthy, full-fledged relationship with a woman. This part of his personality is not developed.
Think about what mechanism underlies your resentment, or the resentment of people significant to you? What is behind this resentment? What deficit, what block, what fear, what weakness, what mistake or what pain is sitting there? Write it down, acknowledge it and work with it. This is the material to work with. This is what was hidden under the resentment.
Stage 6. Reconsider the mechanism of entry into offense.
Look at your offense from a different angle. If you blame people for their behavior, think about why this situation became possible in the first place. Take responsibility. Probably the reason for your resentment is that for some reason you chose the wrong people and found yourself in a dependent position on them. Perhaps you ignored some earlier signals that you were unloved or used. Perhaps you didn’t want to notice the obvious because the comfortable illusion was sweet and you wanted to lose yourself in it. Perhaps if you are offended by your alcoholic husband, this is your mistake because for some reason you chose such human material for life together and ignored the primary signals. It is even possible that you made a mistake in some way and provoked a reaction. Maybe you didn't try hard enough. Perhaps you haven’t listened and heard enough. Perhaps they are not strong enough, independent or smart enough. Redirect your gaze from external objects of resentment to yourself and take inventory. What do you see there? What makes you what you are and places you in the environment in which you find yourself, which is rich in the characters and behavioral patterns that it is rich in?
If your resentment arose against your loved one because he doesn’t love you, analyze (write out) why is it so important for you that this particular person loves you? What does this give you? What deficits do you want them to fill? What hopes do you have for him? What transferences work in this relationship?
Sometimes you need to understand a person and admit that a given human material at this stage is not ready to love because his psyche is occupied with something else or someone else. Either he does not know how to love at all - this is the structure of his personality. Perhaps he is driven by other motives and goals now. Either you are not good enough for this particular person. You don't meet his expectations and values. Perhaps your shortcomings are not compensated by your advantages for this particular person, and with your resentment you are simply covering up your personal imperfections, the recognition of which will hit you on your self-esteem and will put you in front of the need to work on yourself, develop, and move to a new level.
Stage 7. Replace the offense with another mechanism for interacting with the world.
After the work done, return to the grievances you wrote down at the first stage and see how they now respond to you. Do you feel their absurdity, looking at them as part of the psychophysiological reactions of this large and multifaceted world in which there are many better emotions, situations and people? Analyze again the cause-and-effect relationships of your grievances, the activating keys, where these grievances came from and what you cover up or replace with them. Analyze what people and scenarios you surround yourself with and think why? Why do you close your eyes to the small and make it big? Why are you not in control of the situation, but are its passive participant? Are you provoking a certain behavioral reaction through your victimization and lack of self-sufficiency? What kind of person are you in this situation? What kind of person are you in general? What kind of person do you need to be so that this doesn’t happen again? What kind of people should you choose to avoid ending up in a similar situation?
A young girl was in therapy with one of my teachers. Her parents brought her to therapy. The girl was chronically depressed, which she justified with insults. And with the help of depression, she avoided responsibility, the need to develop herself and change something in herself and her lifestyle. At night she liked to walk in dark parks alone. Of course, everyone knows that such places are not safe. As Murphy's Law says: everything that can happen once happens. The girl becomes a victim of rape, which helps her become even more depressed and resentful. “You see! The world is bad! People are bad! Yes, there are bad people, but maybe you shouldn't look for them. This situation was brought about by a certain chain mechanism of the psyche, launched in early childhood and chosen by the person himself from a wide range of possible mechanisms of interaction with the world.
Men who are offended by women and women who are offended by men function in the same way. They unconsciously choose human material that confirms them in their offense. These are either unavailable, frivolous, shallow, or dependent partners with whom a person inflicts injury on himself and with the words “See!” runs to complain to mom in order to get pity, attention, understanding or approval. Subsequently, this maternal image can be transferred to friends or others. And even if the partner is not as bad as the offended person needs, they can begin to mold him through provocations, devaluations, gossip, and distortions of his personal qualities into something that will help him play out the desired scenario. This is called being placed in a role.
That is, a person himself chooses a certain scenario solution for a relationship and this scenario decision is repeated in every subsequent relationship in one form or another. The offended person provokes, imposes a negative role on the partner, accuses, looks for shortcomings in him, creates conflicts, and then accuses the partner of an aggressive reaction and tells everyone how unhappy he is because... someone else is to blame.
There is always something behind the offense. Some amazing white rabbit that can lead us down a deep rabbit hole of long-term psychotherapy and self-improvement.
Old grievances
One of the difficult tasks is how to get rid of old grievances, because they have already sprouted into all areas of life and have become an integral personality trait. It’s not just about forgiving, you’ll have to reshape yourself and live differently, which remains a mystery, so you need to find safety options and get ready for a long job. You need to get rid of it - you can live with a person, not remember a bad event, but the slightest incident again returns everything to the starting point, returning the feeling of pain, resentment, indignation. The insidiousness of an old insult lies in the completely forgotten reason for its initial appearance, only the last words or memory of pain will remain, and what she cried and maybe she herself also had a hand in is no longer in the memory.
How to get rid of old grievances? Devalue such situations with the help of your partners; you can also ask if they remember why you were offended then. Consider what happened from the perspective of the present, obviously you have already changed, both people and the context of the situation, so what is the point of holding on to the old. If you use cognitive analysis at all, it can become funny how much energy is spent on experiencing the past. Explore that part of your personality that was most severely traumatized by that event, that the resentment still does not let go - it needs to be nourished. If you are left without support, then begin to develop your independence, and if you are rude, learn to indicate what behavior is acceptable towards you. Where nothing hurts, there are no old toxic experiences, so figure out why this constant reminder of pain is beneficial.
“I was offended” and “I’m offended”
First, it’s worth understanding the difference between “I was offended” and “I’m offended.”
In the option “I was offended” there is an objective manifestation of negativity in your direction: you were insulted, called names, you were rude, you were rude, your voice was raised at you, you were unfairly accused, you were devalued. In this case, the offender wants to offend you, this is his malicious intent, plan.
You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
What can’t be said about the “I’m offended” option. In this case, it is not the actions, words or actions of the other that become objective, but your feelings. You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
If the emotion of resentment is your feeling, and not the goal of the offender, you should immediately say this directly and openly. The best form of communication is the I message. Its formula is simple: I am the feeling experienced - the cause. It might sound like this:
- “I get offended when you ignore my requests.”
- “I feel a burning resentment when you praise your colleagues to me, please don’t do that.”
- “I’m very upset when you’re late for family dinners, try not to do that again.”
If the actions of another are objectively offensive, if they want to offend you, in response to this you can ask the offender: “Why are you offending me?” Here you don’t have to use I-messages, because the object is not your personal experiences, but the actual behavior of your opponent, that is, his feelings, because of which he seeks to hurt you. Bringing these feelings to the surface is the way to resolve the conflict.
What is a toxic relationship
Is it necessary to forget grievances?
Photo by cottonbro: Pexels
The situation has already passed, but the experience of this very resentment remains with you for a long time, sometimes even for life.
Emotions have their own cycle, they first increase, then reach a peak, discharge occurs and the emotions go away. But there are feelings that have no end point.
The situation is aggravated by the fact that you are offended by another person, but you yourself suffer. This leads to a depressed state of mind, depression, depression. It often becomes the cause of various psychosomatic diseases.
Resentment can destroy even the strongest relationships. It does not allow you to look at yourself and other people objectively. You dwell on the past, and this prevents you from living here and now.
Since resentment causes only problems, the answer to the question of whether it should be forgotten seems obvious. But there is a big catch in it - it is impossible to forget the insult. To forget it means to psychologically displace it, to put it in a distant drawer. But everything that is put away can be retrieved at any time.
This happens when a wife, during a quarrel with her husband, takes out all her insults that he inflicted on her a year or ten years ago and presents them to him. This, of course, makes him feel guilty, but gives her the opportunity to win the argument.
Therefore, forgetting a grudge is an unproductive strategy. From a psychological point of view, the offense must not be forgotten, but worked through. This is the only way she will disappear from your life. But before doing this, it is important to understand what kind of offense you have.
What is resentment?
Generally speaking, resentment is a strong negative reaction to unmet expectations or to injustice caused.
.
Injustice in this case can be real (for example, the boss gave gifts to everyone in the team except you) or existing only in your head (you expected a friend to give you an expensive smartphone, but received a fountain pen). Usually this feeling is associated with close people
or at least with those with whom we
communicate regularly
. We are offended by friends or family because they did not act as we thought necessary. However, sometimes people react the same way to strangers - for example, if someone pushed you on public transport and pointedly waved you away. True, such insults are usually forgotten faster, unlike those inflicted by loved ones.
In general, the degree of touchiness varies
: For some, this is more of a character trait, and he reacts sharply even to minor troubles. Below we will talk about how to stop being offended over trifles. Others react sharply only when their sore spots are touched. As in the case of criticism, often what hurts most in an offense is what the person himself considers to be true, but does not want to admit on a conscious level. You will also find tips on how to deal with this type of resentment below.
You may have come across the phrase: “You can’t offend, but you can be offended.” In fact, it is, of course, also possible to offend – both intentionally and accidentally. However, in general, this thesis should be interpreted in such a way that any attack can be responded to in different ways.
– take it to heart or “reflect it.”
Another consequence is important: we are not able to control the actions and feelings of others, but we have the power to work on our feelings and reactions
.
