Common reasons for making excuses
If a person constantly makes excuses, then there is no need to talk about his self-sufficiency. Such people experience an internal personality conflict that arises as a result of a variety of disagreements at the subconscious level. To eliminate this shortcoming, which darkens the moral character, it is necessary to first deal with the pressing problems that served as the prerequisites for the emergence of optionality and disorganization. Practicing psychologists classify excuses in accordance with the nature of the driving force that forces a person to lie and invent into three categories:
Rationalization.
An effective defense mechanism based on the analysis of the situation that occurred. In an attempt to justify their own misdeeds, people look for suitable motives that explain the importance of the manipulation carried out. Self-deception, designed to search for truth in the wilds of lies.
Moralization.
In the process of internal dialogue, the “guilty person” tries to justify his own actions, guided by the necessity of the action taken. External factors and moral motives are used as arguments, projecting the excuse as a white lie.
Intellectualization.
A way to control the negative range of emotions that appears after another round of excuses. By thinking about the appropriateness of his manipulation, a person calms down, holding back despair and frustration.
Having familiarized yourself with the generalized categories, you can directly consider the reasons from which they are composed. Common prerequisites for constant excuses are:
Low self-esteem, accompanied by despair and self-doubt. Such people initially occupy losing positions. Even the truth can be told in such a way that you don’t want to believe it. The fear of disappointing a loved one, which turned out to be stronger than nobility and honesty. In an attempt to meet expectations, people resort to lies, presenting themselves in a better light than they really are. Remember that in the process of inventing unreliable events, you show disrespect to your interlocutor, considering him narrow-minded. Accusations inherent in bosses who adhere to an authoritarian management style in dealing with subordinates. Employees begin to involuntarily make excuses, not even feeling guilty, but feeling the psychological pressure of the manager. Deception becomes another significant reason why people descend into unintelligible fiction. Wanting to preserve the true premises, few people know how to come up with a plausible story in an emergency that the interlocutor will have to believe. Laziness leads to tardiness and disorganization. Because of one insidious flaw, another appears. A person gets used to “accounting” when he reports his wrongdoing. Without presenting the situation from different angles, he obviously finds himself in a losing position. Over time, others lose confidence in such a character. The absence of moral and highly moral qualities in the personal appearance of a person, for whom excuses become a way of maintaining neutral relationships with the employer and colleagues, significant other and friends. Shame is a common factor at the forefront of fiction. In an attempt to maintain honor and dignity in front of his interlocutor, the “offender” begins to explain himself incomprehensibly, inventing a story that could become the plot for an adventure film.
A strong person differs from a weak person in the ability to admit his own mistakes, correcting the current situation. People who are unsure of their own abilities let events take their course, without bothering about the consequences. Shortsightedness is an integral component of the type, which has a variety of excuses in its arsenal. The main disadvantage of excuses and fabrications is their implausibility, because every time you have to come up with fascinating stories that cover the scale of previous reasons for being late or removing responsibility for making a decision.
THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
No person is capable of always acting exclusively rationally and logically, or observing all ethical standards. The fact is that within each of us a variety of attitudes coexist, which sometimes contradict each other. For example, the attitude “I am a good mother, and a good mother devotes a lot of time to her children” may come into conflict with another attitude – “When I don’t get enough rest, I become too irritable.” Sometimes one setting may come to the fore, or maybe another, and even a third, also alternative. And, having acted one way or another, we experience internal tension, realizing that the action contradicts certain attitudes.
It is not always possible for a person to figure out for himself why he acted this way and not otherwise. And even more so, explain this to others in a way that, firstly, is understandable, and secondly, does not look like an attempt to justify yourself.
The theory of cognitive dissonance (Leon Festinger) provides interesting explanations for this phenomenon. Cognitive – related to cognition, dissonance – inconsistency. According to this theory, a person experiences tension (“dissonance”) when two thoughts or two beliefs (“cognitions”) are psychologically incompatible.
Let's remember the example about the father who did not pick up his child from kindergarten. Before this incident, the man thought of himself as a “good father.” But the situation when he forgot about the child shook both his internal attitude (“Good fathers do not forget the child in the garden”) and external self-presentation (“Now my wife doubts that I am a good father and a responsible person”). Thus, the man found himself in a difficult situation: he would like to continue to think of himself as a good father and a responsible person, but so far his “fresh” experience does not provide such an opportunity. He needs to find a way to explain this situation to himself and to those around him (primarily his child and his angry wife). And we don’t know what’s more difficult!
The topic of cognitive dissonance is huge and very interesting. The main conclusion of the theory is that our attitudes change because we are forced to maintain consistency between our knowledge about ourselves and about others. Hence the need to justify oneself: shifting responsibility onto other people or circumstances facilitates both the internal and external context of the situation. By providing convincing (from his point of view) justifications, a person reduces the tension of cognitive contradiction and more easily brings the system of internal attitudes into conformity. The search for explanations presupposes more honest work both within oneself and without. Therefore, it is given with great difficulty.
Typical excuses for failed people
A person is prevented from achieving the desired result by disorganization, which entails a trail of problems. A banal waking up for work because of late-night movie watching can be accompanied by irreversible consequences, which even the highest “grade” of justification cannot correct - deprivation of bonuses or an impressive fine, working on a day off or damaged relations with superiors, temporary removal from a managerial position, or final dismissal. The high price of healthy sleep, due to the lack of trust in you from management. People who are accustomed to making excuses invariably find themselves in a closed space - after a short period of time, those around them stop taking explanations seriously. Typical excuses for individuals who lose their moral character and are unable to achieve their goals are:
A critical lack of funds becomes a strong argument for employment in low-paid jobs. Financial insolvency is more far-fetched than real - in an insignificant position there is less demand from an employee, so you can afford to be late and amuse your bosses with funny excuses every day. Lack of time is the main argument of a person who considers himself smarter than everyone else. You can recognize a manipulator from your interlocutor after only 2-3 incidents, because the reasons for removing responsibility from one’s own person must be weighty, and there are relatively few large-scale justifications that border on reality. Presenting himself in conversation as an impeccable person who has become part of a series of unpleasant accidents, he then has to “fall” from a great height to which the narrator is lifted by exciting but implausible stories. If a person has no desire to learn a new type of art or master a specialized job, it is easier to publicly declare the personal side of the issue. Don't want to drive? Tell them you can't drive after a tragic accident with a friend. Can't make it to the scheduled opening of your business in the morning? Tell us about a difficult conversation in a loving couple that provoked a scandal in the hallway 5 minutes before you left the house. Denying the correctness of drawing up a task that a person hardly understands is another effective way to relieve oneself of responsibility. Are you asked to help with car repairs? Tell me how unsuccessfully you burned down an expensive model of a German vehicle in childhood. Do you need to report to your superiors about a scheduled inspection for the past month? Justify yourself in style by communicating your endless efforts and perseverance to the auditor.
If the above list contains excuses that are familiar to you firsthand, then it’s time to think about it. By diagnosing the problem in time, you can bypass the categories of failed people. Such statements act as an anchor that interferes with personal improvement and social growth. Building a successful career or creating a strong unit of society, constantly finding baseless reasons, is a sure way to meet an inglorious and poor old age. To change your life, it is important to start getting rid of negative thoughts today, restoring faith in your own strength. Remember that the road can only be navigated by those who walk.
"I'll be jinxed"
Indeed, it often happens that compliments and admiration are expressed by furious envious people hiding behind a mask of hypocrisy. Particularly superstitious individuals are afraid that such compliments may “scare them away” from wealth, success and health.
Moreover, the fear of the evil eye exists among many peoples of the world. Therefore, it is believed that one should not praise the beauty of a woman or child. Some even wear pins and amulets to ward off the evil eye.
If you are not sure of the sincerity of the interlocutor’s words, then you have the right to do as you see fit.
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Effective ways to solve the problem
If you have already managed to assess the scale of the current situation in which you are unconsciously looking for excuses for your own actions, then start changing your personal image. To stop being afraid of responsibility for your actions, you need to give up false fabrications, increase self-esteem and gain patience, guided by the following recommendations:
Do not engage in the construction of illusory “castles”, but begin to realize yourself, achieving your cherished goals and achieving the desired results. Reconsider priorities, where on the new hierarchical ladder responsibility (business) will be located one step higher than laziness (fun). Find your own motivation to overcome new obstacles, being inspired by the “peaks” you have already conquered. Learn to correctly explain to your interlocutor the reasons for the offense, so that the monologue does not look like an excuse, but is a detailed and constructive story that is not devoid of meaning. Don’t put off difficult things for later, preferring to “have breakfast” and start a new life on Monday. Today you have the opportunity to change the current situation by developing another personal advantage. Stop making long-term plans that remain only on paper. Over a long period of time, people manage to “burn out”, abandoning the idea to the sidelines of consciousness. Set realistic goals that you can implement in the near future.
By following simple rules, in a short period of time you can become a self-sufficient person who is responsible for his actions. In the process of self-development, you will have to reconsider life values, abandoning tricks and tricks, fiction and adventure stories. Honesty and thoroughness are integral components of a new personal appearance.
By adjusting your worldview and changing your priorities, luck will definitely turn its face to you, assessing the scale of personal development. By giving up excuses, you eliminate unnecessary reasons for quarrels with loved ones. Famous people often choose the following quote as their life credo: “Desire is a thousand opportunities, and reluctance is a thousand obstacles.”
What the therapist says
The opinion of psychiatrist and psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan is this: we are not accustomed to the sincere attention of other people. And less often than not, a compliment is perceived as the desire of the interlocutor to tell us something pleasant. In the modern world there has become so much “selfish” interest that pleasant statements have begun to be used by many as a weapon for their own purposes and manipulation.
But the situation can be viewed from the other side. People who cannot accept compliments sincerely cannot say nice things to others. But in fact, it’s not difficult to accept a compliment and then return it in return.
SO…
Self-justifications usually sound weak. They are “conflictogens,” that is, factors that incite conflict. Hearing excuses, your opponent may not only continue to accuse you of wrong actions, but also that you are “immature” and not ready to take responsibility. Therefore, do not humiliate yourself or others with excuses. If the situation requires it, provide clarification. And remember to “hold” your personal responsibility.
FORMULA OF LIABILITY
Working with teenagers and their parents, I often hear: “He is irresponsible, he only knows how to make excuses, he doesn’t want to grow up or learn...” This list of parental complaints can be continued for a long time.
And the main one is the reluctance to become responsible. In my opinion, one of the tasks of parents is to help the child move on to creating his own life. Let's try to be creative about responsibility. And the first step could be this formula: try replacing “I can’t” with “I don’t want.” I think that this formula clearly demonstrates the responsibility of everyone, including parents, for their behavior. It's good when there are people who are ready to accept and support. Perhaps this is the path to freedom? As Alexander Neill said: “Giving freedom means allowing a child to live his own life. That's all. But the deadly habit of teaching, lecturing and reproaching deprives us of the ability to realize the simplicity of true freedom.” Olga Dyachuk, consulting psychologist
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guilt internal cognitive dissonance conflict genes locus of control motivation responsibility psychological attitudes self-justification fatalism
