For a long time, there was an idea that motherhood is the only purpose of a woman, that only after giving birth to a child can she be considered complete. Little girls are given dolls, toy strollers and bottles. “She nurses the doll so tenderly, as if it were a real baby, she will be an ideal mother,” the parents rejoice. But now her daughter has grown up, time passes, and pregnancy is still not part of her plans. Why doesn't a woman want children? Let's try to understand the psychology of child-free.
The first reason is the lack of a partner
Every woman wants to meet a worthy partner. Society puts pressure, everyone around insists that after 35 it’s problematic to meet the right person. A woman tries her best until she completely loses hope, notes psychologist Sukhova. Of course, there are those who actively convince themselves that happiness will find them on its own and that they still have to wait. Someone is actively engaged in working through their unconscious and improving themselves. And then, supposedly, she and her partner will unite and start having children together.
Unhappy childhood
Many psychological and emotional problems begin at an early age. The negative example of your own family affects the subconscious, so the desire not to have a child may be caused by your own life experience. If a girl had an unhappy family as a child where she was treated poorly, it is logical that she would not want to have such experiences again.
Often this is a problem in a girl’s relationship with her mother: a child who did not receive warmth in childhood does not have the necessary amount of warmth and love to share with her own child. Psychological, emotional or physical abuse of the father during childhood can also prevent children from being born. What can you do? Such deep childhood emotional problems cannot be solved on their own or with just a heart-to-heart conversation. The best option would be to jointly visit a psychologist who will help you cope with childhood trauma and safely overcome this fear.
Reason two: lack of financial security
Women are worried about how to survive with a small child in their arms, how not to lose their jobs, how to switch to remote work, how to pay off loans. And this, together with the fear that relying on a partner nearby is problematic, warns Anna Sukhova. Women have their own appetites and expectations from life. And having a child is not a cheap pleasure. Pregnancy management and childbirth itself also require financial costs. But what to do next when the little man needs a mother, and the mother needs a nanny who could enable the woman to provide for herself and the child? This is not an easy question.
The child is only a guest in your home
Firstly, you need to live not for the sake of children, but simply for the sake of life as such. Find meaning in simple things, love and respect the people around you, do useful work and open new horizons.
An Indian proverb says: “A child is a guest in your home: feed it, educate it and let it go.”
To think that a little person who has just come into this world will discover the meaning of existence and make a previously bland life rich and interesting is, at the very least, reckless. The child himself needs acceptance and understanding. He will not solve anyone’s problems; on the contrary, with his appearance, troubles and unresolved issues will only increase.
Reason four - the endless race for a career
Today, women are no less concerned about career growth than men. And yes, there are those who can combine work and having children. There are only a lot of women who strive for new heights and perceive the birth of a child as a burden and an additional obstacle to career development, says Anna Sukhova.
Is one enough? Why women don't want to have many children Read more
No children by choice.
Fifty, even 20 years ago, a woman who consciously decided not to have children would have been looked upon as strange at best, an outcast at worst.
According to one of the researchers, she was “breaking a taboo.” Indeed, until recently, social pressure forced many of those women who doubted their ability to experience maternal feelings to become unhappy mothers against their will. Now this pressure, although it has not disappeared completely, is gradually weakening. Increasingly, motherhood is being viewed as a matter of choice rather than destiny, and the few women who choose childlessness—one estimate puts it at 3 to 6 percent of married women—do not encounter the same hostility and in many cases may even count on support. Instead of the word with a negative connotation “childless”, “child-free” is increasingly used.
This definition more accurately describes the attitude of women to the lifestyle they have chosen.
The old prejudices that women who did not want to have children are selfish, immature, have a bad character, that they are unhappy creatures, that they are, at best, indifferent to children, are also disappearing.
Reason six - lack of help from the older generation
Nowadays there are more and more grandmothers who remain young and beautiful and do not strive to change their lives and rush to help at the birth of a grandson or granddaughter. It is not interesting to pass on your experience, since people of the older generation want to live for themselves. “It’s an amazing fact, but grandmothers even ask not to call them that, but to address them only by their first names. All this is not so critical, but it makes it clear to the woman that she will not get help from the older generation,” says the psychologist.
Article on the topic
A useless tax on childlessness, or Why we don’t have children
Unsuccessful pregnancy
Life is a difficult thing, and every person faces many challenges. Some cope with them, others break. Nature does not give children to everyone. She gives a child to those who can cope with the difficult task of motherhood, or to those who need to experience the birth of a child in their lives. For what reasons does a woman not want children? Nature can play a cruel joke on a girl. For example, to give a child, but during pregnancy to take away the child. A miscarriage, a frozen pregnancy or a stillborn child - all this leads a woman to depression. The lady will be more worried the more she wanted the baby. The shock of losing a child can remain forever. After trying once and making sure that fate does not want to give a child, a woman can give up trying. Convincing such a person that they should try again is stupid. Only after experiencing a difficult situation yourself can you judge others. A woman can cope with one miscarriage, but she simply cannot survive another. Realizing this, she consciously refuses children. She loses all desire to try. It is impossible to say that a person is broken. Only those who have gone through it themselves can understand a woman who has gone through hell.
Reason ten - health difficulties
Despite all the possibilities of medicine, the woman is truly wary of all innovations. Recognizing the fact that it doesn’t work out quickly and easily becomes extremely painful for a woman. And some decide to close this topic to themselves so as not to hurt themselves again and again. And if you have a baggage of unsuccessful attempts behind you, then the birth of a child becomes an extremely difficult story, says Anna Sukhova.
From the first attempts. What will help you become parents faster Read more
Being a mother is not prestigious
The media industry promotes the image of a “successful” woman: she is young, slim and energetic, runs her own company or restaurant, shines at social events and drives an expensive car donated by a generous admirer.
Is it normal not to want children, looking at the artificially created image of a superwoman? Quite. For better or worse, a person is judged by the degree of his achievements, which include cars, apartments and houses, expensive things and telephones, but children, alas, are not.
Anything that brings dividends is trending. For some time now, absolutely everything in the world has been viewed as a project. The value of the family as such is reduced to a minimum. What is childfree? This is the conscious life position of a person who has decided not to become a parent for a number of reasons.
What should I do?
If a woman feels uncomfortable because of the decision made or latently feels that the reasons for refusing motherhood lie in external factors, she should take a number of steps that will allow her to understand whether she needs a child or not, and whether she should be afraid of motherhood.
- Go to a specialist to sort everything out and eliminate possible problems.
- Discuss with your partner the sincerity of your desire to have children.
- Chat with those who already have children. And of different ages. Yes, everyone's situation is different. Spend some time with your child and you will understand how ready you are for him.
- Do not put pressure on yourself under any circumstances. Perhaps it’s just not the right time, not the right situation. We need to understand and not make hasty conclusions.
- Deal with your immaturity and psychological immaturity. Decide what your personal responsibility is. Perhaps everything is not so bad in the birth of a small miracle, because the baby is your continuation. And whatever you put into it today will definitely make you happy tomorrow.
Childfree: women of different ages about why they don’t want children
Marina, 45 years old, marketer
“When I was eight years old, my younger brother Misha was born.
And, alas, he was born not entirely healthy: hyperexcitable, nervous, slept poorly, ate poorly. A year later, our father packed his things and left, and my mother had to go to work. We didn’t have grandparents, so at the age of nine I became his substitute mother. Misha had to be bathed, fed, and entertained. Then I was terribly proud of myself, I am my mother’s assistant, I am irreplaceable. Without me - nowhere. Walking - only with Misha, homework - shaking a rattle with one hand, then taking my brother to the kindergarten in the morning, picking him up after lessons, and if the children have already been put to bed - quietly studying in the locker room, because if Misha didn’t find me after waking up, he would throw a colossal scandal .
When he turned 11 years old, and I, respectively, 19, he began the most hellish puberty of all that I could imagine. He skipped school, sold things, left home, drank, did drugs. And I was a buffer between him and mom. She needed to be reassured and supported, especially after the heart attack she suffered. And find him, wash him, convince him to go to a psychologist. Thank God, everything worked out, by 17 he returned to normal, entered college, and somehow everything evened out.
I was 25. Then I met my first man. He was good to everyone, divorced, but at the same time he adored his sons from his first marriage, often communicated with them and was friends with his ex-wife. After a year of our relationship, I became pregnant. It was a shock, I did everything to prevent this from happening, but here it is. He said: “Give birth, we’ll get married, everything will be fine.” I turned off my phone for several days, sat on the bed in my room and cried. I imagined that I would have to go through all this hell again.
I didn’t want heels, diapers, or walks with a stroller; I was sick at the thought that I would again be responsible for an unintelligent creature. I had an abortion, and the man and I broke up. Then there was a series of short novels, and I ran away every time they started talking about the “get married and have a child” cycle. By the age of 33, I clearly understood that I didn’t want a family or children . Never ever.
I live great on my own, I bought an apartment, I have a wonderful job, where I am valued and loved by my colleagues and management. I have a cool hobby - I dance tango. I love sports and go to the gym 3 times a week. And I am completely satisfied with this arrangement. I was often told that I would waste time, that later I would want it and it would be too late. But here I am, 45, and I think I made absolutely the right choice. I live for my own pleasure. I have the energy and time to volunteer, I have a lot of friends and a constant lover who shares my position. He has three children from an early marriage, he communicates with them, he does not want any new children. I am not advocating for no one to give birth; I understand perfectly well that this is an individual choice. I just want to say that if you absolutely don’t want children, then there is an exciting and happy life without them.”
Difficult period
Another reason for not wanting to have a child may simply be the wrong time to raise one. Stress at work or school, problems with parents, internal conflicts - all this can interfere with the emergence of the desire for motherhood. In addition, women today are more aware than ever about the possibility of developing postpartum depression.
And if the emotional background is already unstable, there is a very high probability of a difficult transition from the current life to a new reality with a child. In this case, time is the best assistant. In addition, you should try to create conditions in which the spouse can calmly go through stress and difficult times, when he will feel internally at ease. Since the woman herself must want a child, the desire for motherhood should not be imposed by society, relatives or even her husband.
