Why is an ex-husband angry with his ex-wife: a psychologist’s opinion

For many Russian families, domestic violence has become commonplace, and, as a rule, the most severe cases are recorded. Types such as beatings, humiliation, psychological pressure, and insult are not made public. Sociological studies show that cruelty occurs in families with different social status and income levels. Many people believe that if a husband insults and humiliates his wife, then this is their own business, and no one should interfere in the conflict. However, great violence begins with small things.

If cruelty is not stopped at the very beginning, the outcome can be sad. According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs over the past 10 years, 70% of all murders are committed within the family. Moreover, approximately half of the crimes are committed by women who are no longer able to tolerate insults and beatings from their husbands.

With the strengthening of the social role and status of women, her marital behavior also changed. Female violence in the family is quite common, usually manifesting itself in the form of insults, both towards the husband and towards the children. To prevent serious consequences, it is important to know how to stop the aggressor, and what to do if the insult has already occurred.

Psychology of "formers"

There can be many reasons why an application for divorce is filed, and there is no point in listing them all; bad things have already happened. There won't be just one person to blame either. No matter how statistics operate on the data that in 90% of cases a woman initiates a divorce, it cannot be said that she ran to the registry office of her own free will and desire. The psychology of a husband after a divorce is also ambiguous and depends not on average data, but on a specific person. So we will also look for male aggression in the individual psychotype, which has a social imprint (after all, divorce is more common among 30-40-50 year olds):

Dependent on the opinions of others. Friendship between former spouses is the lot of Europeans; in the post-Soviet space, an unspoken rule about enmity and hostility has been adopted. Many sources call this pattern a “tribute to tradition.” Obeying the opinion of the majority, reveling in conversations at drunken men's gatherings about selfish and greedy ex-wives, a man is filled with hatred and burns with revenge. This explains why the ex-husband is mercilessly rude to any peacemaking gesture or divorce issue.
Egocentrism or a manipulator. Character sometimes takes on new colors when comfort and humility go away along with half of the property. Many men “slamming the door” even hope that after a while their wife, who has realized everything, will crawl to them. When this does not happen, a period of hatred and rejection of one’s shaky Ego begins. Here you should be especially careful, since injured pride can push you to do the lowest things, even to the point that your ex-husband will terrorize you and threaten you with violence. It would be a good idea to enter the number of the district police officer and SBI services into your address book.
Failed. When the time of rose-colored glasses and carefreeness gives way to bills for an apartment and bank statements for a mortgage, a man begins to think about the inadequacy of his income. At such a moment, he does not always think logically, cutting down expenses and finding ways to earn extra money or career growth. Sometimes thoughts wander to the side - “if it weren’t for this horde that needs to be fed, I would have everything I want.” Only after a divorce does it not become easier, but when you have children together, it only gets worse. Why does the ex-husband begin to hate his now ex-wife even more passionately?
Secretly in love. And such a paradox occurs. Since childhood, it’s not for nothing that grandmothers teach “hitting means loving.” When a man begins to miss his ex-wife, she is often no longer free, and jealousy and loneliness give rise to anger.

Stages of life after divorce

But all these signs of even the “pure” psychotype do not appear immediately. More than 99% of men, even before the stamp in their passport releases them from liability, manage to live through several stages of separation:

Single life. In the first few months, there may be no news from your ex other than a constantly updated feed on social networks. Having received the status of a bachelor, he rushes into the arms of young and one-day-old beauties. Alcohol, partying until the morning and non-binding sex, everything that interests him.
Satiation. Gradually returning to a rented empty apartment or former family nest begins to depress. There are still unwashed dishes waiting in the kitchen, beer in the refrigerators for lunch, and you need to go to the supermarket for bread. This is felt most clearly by those who did not attach importance to women’s care and household duties. The awareness of real loneliness begins to exceed the joy of nightly debauchery, forcing one to remember his past life more and more often.
The desire to return. It occurs in 90% of men in the first six months of divorced life. Therefore, you shouldn’t even guess whether the husband misses his ex-wife, the answer will be positive, and even if not for her, then about the comfort and feeling of warmth that she gave him.

Moreover, the passage of these stages is natural, both for those who have gone nowhere and for those who have decided to find happiness in the arms of their mistress. Only instead of an indiscriminate sexual relationship in bed there will be one and the same, and instead of an empty refrigerator, a comparison of dinner with the cooking of the ex-wife. The result is nevertheless the same. After a few months, the man will be drawn back.

Husband insults and humiliates

Quarrels, disputes and scandals in family life are a common occurrence. And, on the one hand, you need to treat them seriously and carefully, on the other hand, you need to not attach much importance to them.

And all because the presence of disagreements in a relationship is a natural process, and if we react violently to everything we don’t like and perceive it as the end of the relationship, then it will simply be impossible to live together.

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As a rule, it is women who perceive quarrels this way, since they are more emotional and impressionable.

How to deal with an aggressor

Excessive irritability, moral bullying, or even assault could begin both during the marriage and flare up after the divorce. Often it is a man’s desire to assert himself through belittling his wife that becomes the cause of a breakup. Be that as it may, psychologists see only 3 options for how to respond to an ex-husband’s insults:

Mirror projection. “The best defense is an attack” is not an option in this case. Psychologists call this option destructive, capable of leading to unpredictable consequences. You should think three times before warming up your ex with caustic phrases.
Indifference. Another road to nowhere. Especially if you have a child together who will absorb this behavior and later carry it into adulthood.
A worthy rebuff. If the ex-husband insults and does not skimp on expressions, psychologists advise neutralizing his ardor with calm, goodwill and conversation on neutral territory. The voice should be soft, without mockery or smirk. The fewer reasons for provocation, the faster the heated man will come to his senses.

The last method is quite simple, but only in theory. In fact, it is extremely difficult to calmly hold the defense when the opponent uses knowledge and intimate details, not to skimp on expressions, knowing what hurts the most. In order not to succumb to your own desire to sink to the level of a village obscene squabble, you can try to abstract yourself from the aggressor, imagining in front of you a completely unfamiliar insolent person. When the memory of the wonderful days of the shared past stops hovering behind your shoulders, it will be easier to focus on solving the affairs of the future.

Why is it important to communicate

Only masochists do not dream of a calm and measured life. Even when the ex-husband tries in every possible way to offend in a conversation, it is necessary to strive to come to a compromise and eradicate all the destructive hatred. There are a lot of advantages to this:

a person who is aware of shortcomings and weaknesses should be a friend, not an enemy;
for a (for now) single woman, a man nearby is always ready to help with housework;
children will have the opportunity to experience a full-fledged upbringing, despite the fact that the parents do not live under the same roof;
you won’t have to give up your usual social circle;
there will be an opportunity not only to build friendship, but also to patch up a broken marriage.

Caring relatives, children together, remembering their father before going to bed, and reluctance or inability to build new relationships can also help to blunt the “axe of war.” Sometimes the motivation is the complete sexual compatibility of the spouses, which helps explain why the ex-husband sleeps with his ex-wife and does not want to look for an alternative.

Ex-husband tries to insult

No. Over and over again I am amazed at how much he has changed, and I keep trying to see that person. with whom I lived for so many years. And instead of him, an evil ghoul comes out. I can’t solve the puzzle - he was always a ghoul, or suddenly turned into one. We communicate, although not in person - we live in different cities.

My husband and I are in the process of divorce. He lives with another woman, t. *****. in fact, he is now an ex-husband. If I had money, I would ask a psychologist. I hope that the truth will crystallize from the answers. The question is this: BM, when he comes to the child, he always tries to offend me with something, calls me names *****, belittles me in every possible way, sometimes I can’t help myself and answer, and we end up quarreling, on social networks we are generally on each other’s black list . It’s not clear why he behaves this way, everything is fine there, he should be happy and calm?

Chance for recovery

The brighter and more scandalous the divorce, the greater the chances that it is not a deliberate and irrational decision. This means that after some time, partners may think about returning to a past life. Of course, if we are not talking about the fact of infidelity of one of the spouses (according to statistics, female infidelity is less often forgiven), domestic violence, addiction to drugs or gambling. A separate text can be written about abuse in the family, since tyrant partners often, after a divorce, stage a real performance begging for forgiveness, just to return the victim under their power. There are no options here, you can’t go back.

If the listed factors do not apply, and the discord occurred against the backdrop of emotions, then it remains to figure out how to understand that the ex-husband wants to return to the family. To do this, it is worth analyzing its behavior:

keeps in touch - for the most insignificant reasons he calls, writes and tries to bump into people on the street;
gets closer to those around him - he can go to his mother-in-law to help at the dacha, he can ask to visit his brother or sister;
become an ideal father - participates in every possible way in raising a joint child, goes to meetings, does not forget to bring groceries or pick up from the garden;
often mentions the past - with a joke or nostalgia, points out moments in the past when you were together, this is the most eloquent hint that makes it possible to understand that the ex-husband regrets the divorce;
keeps silent about his personal life - does not burden him with his problems, does not flaunt his life after leaving;
a sad and guilty look at every meeting;
If you catch yourself thinking that “my ex is nervous in my presence,” then the feelings remain.

But reunification is only possible if both partners have realized the mistake and are ready to build a new future, and not live out the past. Before returning, there is still a lot of rehabilitation work that cannot be ignored. It is a proven fact that men always return, but only to someone they trust, love and believe. You shouldn't abuse this.

How to recognize a lie

It’s difficult to forget everything, to just become a couple, having gone through the hell of the divorce process, a series of mutual reproaches and tormented at night by the question “why is my ex angry with me”? Therefore, in addition to hints and circumventions, it is necessary to secure a solid base that He is returning, not because there are material problems, nowhere to live, tired of wandering, or a mistress pointed out the door for imperfection. It won’t be difficult to see the sincerity of an ex-partner, because after years together, it’s quite easy to spot the pretense. It is especially worth being attentive and picky if a man who himself abandoned his family intends to return.

Actions indicating sincerity and firmness of intention to return:

tries to change, shows qualities that are important to you;
does not back down after the first refusal;
demonstrates how well he knows his beloved (giving her favorite gerberas, a mug of the right size, or theater tickets);
openly admits that he was wrong, realized the mistake, wants to join the family and is ready to work on himself;
assures of the sincerity of feelings that he will not allow separation anymore.

The main thing is not to rush into a decision. Psychologists advise answering for yourself: “Do I believe his apologies?”, “Do I really want to renew the old relationship?”, “Are his feelings sincere, does he love you, or is it just convenient to return?” You should answer honestly, forgive not for the sake of children, but for the sake of love, and understand the responsibility for the decision. If your intentions are firm and the decision is made to reunite, it is necessary, before moving in together, to discuss past issues that led to the breakup, to understand what was missing and whether both are ready to work on the relationship. Ex-husbands think a lot about their ex-wives, so there will probably be a lot to tell him in the conversation.

Specific situation

Every married couple has an exceptional situation. People decide to divorce because of trifles, misunderstandings, or the desire to throw a whole load of accumulated problems off their shoulders. To understand why the ex-spouse is angry, psychologists advise analyzing the divorce process.

Perhaps the reason was some tragic event (the infidelity of one of the partners, illness, death of a loved one). It is easier for a man to shift the burden of responsibility onto fragile female shoulders. Blaming is easier than admitting guilt.
Perhaps the ground for the final break was being prepared gradually. Dissatisfaction accumulated, matured and burst like an abscess during the next difficult situation. The negative emotions of the spouse simply burst out because the barrier - legal marriage, marital responsibilities - had disappeared.
Sometimes a man does not leave immediately, but gradually. Trying to achieve complete submission, he frightens his wife with long absences and dubious business trips. When she finally announces the final breakup, the woman reacts calmly and lets go. She was tired of worrying and angry, and prepared for life alone. Thus, by blackmailing his wife, the husband burns his bridges to retreat. Angry because the plan failed and there is nowhere to return.

What not to do

The most basic and irreversible mistakes are made in the first time after the divorce process. After all, it is easy, in theory, to abstract yourself from an ex-lover, forget all grievances, find yourself and live correctly, improving your soul and body. In practice, the period of self-flagellation and despair usually lasts for months; “golden rules” and advice cannot become a “magic pill.” But in order not to regret your inability to control yourself for the rest of your life, you should protect yourself from the most basic, most ridiculous and offensive mistakes.

You can cut out these tips for yourself as a reminder until the resentment and emotions subside:

Don't beg. A request to return everything, coming from a humiliated person who is capable of making any sacrifice, will be received coldly and with mockery. There is no other option. Such is the human psyche, if there is the possibility of an easy return, there is no point in rushing back. And vice versa, the more freedom, the more thoughts return to the past.
Don't be humiliated. You need to worry alone with yourself, do not drag your worries to the public court and to Him in particular. It’s better to keep your distance from your ex, forget about the phone and the desire to speak out. It is better to resort to the simplest and most reliable method - write all your thoughts on a piece of paper and then burn it.
Don't try to "pressure on pity." Threats, machinations, conditions, all this will not have any effect. Even if out of pity or fear that something terrible might happen, He returns, He will soon disappear again or the relationship will become such that you will want to cry twice as much.
Show aggression. Screaming, swearing, insults are also just a way to throw out anger. But in this way you can only humiliate yourself and push the person away.
Cause jealousy. Embarking on a wild life with many partners means only making things worse for your self-esteem and future. Besides, how can you tell if your ex is jealous if he is far away? Post all your antics online? Pass it on through friends? It even sounds ridiculous and vulgar.
Ask about his feelings. The most dangerous thing is to voice such a question in the midst of a quarrel. Out of emotion, the ex-lover will blurt out all the unpleasant reality. And even with calm communication, such a question will only confuse a man. The likelihood that He will suddenly melt, remember all the good things and decide to return is zero.
Manipulation of children. A family should not stick together just to raise a child together. This is not the best example for children, and it will not bring real happiness and peace of mind. Couples get together for the sake of children, but often separate again, or live in tension, keeping each other at a distance.

The most important advice that works both after divorce and before marriage is the need to love yourself. Only self-sufficient individuals who respect, first of all, themselves and their personal space, are able to create a strong union based on mutual respect and trust. Even if the end point has been reached in your first marriage, you should reconsider your views, first of all on yourself, and not carry old grievances into your new life. Both partners are always to blame for the breakdown of the family. It is a fact.

Requests for help Write your story

Because of my faith in God, I was a moral girl who believed that I would only marry once and belong only to my husband. But in life, everything didn’t turn out the way I wanted... My story is not at all like the usual one, and I just thank God that I haven’t gone crazy, that I’m still alive... Here’s my story... My husband looked after me for almost a year until I began to reciprocate his feelings. I was only 18 years old then, he was 21 years old. We got married, he was my first man. We had crazy love, passion, it seemed that it would always be like this. We couldn’t talk enough for 24 hours, we always didn’t have enough time... We spent all our time together. Friends, parents, relatives, seeing us, were surprised how you could revel in your love for each other. Everything began to change when I became pregnant... My husband began to get irritated more often, shout at me, forbid me to see my family, criticize my friends and try to re-educate me, explaining to me that he wants the best for me. I, of course, believed him, and in order not to anger him, I began to obey him, thinking that this was how he cared about me. The nightmare began after the birth of my little daughter. My husband became more irritated and forbade any relations with my family at all, especially showing hatred towards my mother. I also stopped communicating with friends, my world revolved only around my husband and child. Since I am a freedom-loving, very friendly person, such rules began to choke me... Scandals began. Followed by the first slaps. My husband earned good money and therefore believed that I did not have to work, my destiny was a house, a household and a child. The husband began to climb the career ladder, thereby earning even more. Here come the money, friends, drinks, clubs. Women of easy virtue also went there... Of course, all this caused me very severe pain. My conversations about how it was impossible to live like this infuriated him and assault began. I endured everything. But when he started openly dating a girl, I couldn’t stand it and went with the child to my mother. My soul was torn from pain, and on top of everything that happened to me, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. I knew that having an abortion is a sin in the eyes of God, I could not commit murder. I was in a state of shock. My mother was disabled, my stepfather drank, I didn’t have enough money anyway, and then there was my pregnancy. The husband, having learned about the pregnancy, was furious. As time passed, my belly grew. I found out that I was having a boy. I began to come to my senses because I fell in love with the unborn baby. My husband decided to return me to the family. I forgave him, thinking that children need a father. Misfortune awaited me ahead. My newborn son lived only 10 hours. I almost died of grief. The mother and relatives buried the baby. I walked around in a fog. Everything inside hurt and was torn. To somehow come to my senses, I went to work. I had no education, so I went to work as a waitress. She continued to live with her husband. There was no talk of happiness, but I loved him and continued to endure everything. Constantly praying to God, I asked Him, why? Why do I need this test? I was rolling on the floor from mental pain, but I didn’t dare leave my husband. One day at work I felt very bad, I almost lost consciousness. I thought I was pregnant and ran to the hospital for an examination, being sure that if I was pregnant, I would have an abortion (although my conscience was tormenting me!), because I had a panicky fear of having another birth and uncertainty about the future. An ultrasound and then a doctor showed me that there was no pregnancy. I thanked God that He saved me from the sin of a murderer, and calmly returned to work. So another month passed until I again ran to the doctor. I had another ultrasound and it turned out that I was already 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was shocked! I was outraged that four weeks ago they didn’t see my pregnancy! Of course, there was no question of aborting an already grown baby. Now I think God himself saved my son from my rash act! My husband, having learned that I was pregnant with my son and my decision not to have an abortion, flew into a rage, beat me, told me to solve the problem with the child myself, and also said that it was good that our son died, because that I'm a brainless fool. It was very cruel of him. I wanted to go to my mother, but my mother did not accept me, saying that it was difficult for them to live too. And since I had nowhere to go, I stayed with my husband. This is where the nightmare days began. My husband constantly humiliated, insulted and beat me. I endured. Not a single night passed without my tears. Time passed. My husband took our eldest daughter and took her to his parents (they lived in another city), they decided that I would take her after the birth. The time came to give birth, my husband began to blackmail me so that I would leave my son in the hospital, abandoning him, otherwise I would never see my daughter. Only God knows what I had to go through! With pain in my heart, I told my husband that I agreed not to see my daughter, in any case, I know that everything is fine with her and that she is with her loving grandparents, but I will not give up my son for anything! She went to the prenatal ward of the hospital. At the hospital I met a good woman, a nurse. She found out about my grief and offered to live with her for now. God knows, I really had nowhere to go, my husband wasn’t waiting for me. The time has come and I gave birth to a good healthy boy. There was no one to meet me from the maternity hospital, so I went by bus to this woman’s address. She took me in; she herself had four children, and so my son inherited a bunch of diapers and baby blankets. I was sure that now I would live without my daughter, grief sat in my heart, but I had a small miracle, for the sake of which I had to get on my feet and try to fight for my daughter. A week passed and my husband, having found me, threw himself at my feet and with tears begged me to return to him. I still loved him, and I wanted to take my daughter as soon as possible, so without hesitation I returned to him. They brought me my daughter, and life began to get better. The beatings, humiliations and insults did not end there, but I had nowhere to go with two kids. I had no right to refuse him sex. He showed love and tenderness at the sight of my bruises and abrasions. So I always used a bat! At the same time, I continued to sit at home, feeling like a worthless, downtrodden, depressed woman. The husband continued to pursue a career and had even more money. He works for an oil company. I lived in a golden cage. I had everything my heart wanted, but the bruises did not leave my body. Five years passed like this. Five years of suffering! Until my husband had a new passion. The girl is three years younger than me. She turned out to be agile and grabbed the money bag with a death grip. The husband became even more angry and tyrannical. My husband and his mistress went to another city, from there he told me that I should file for divorce, because... he fell in love with another woman and intends to marry her. I told him that I myself would not file for divorce, but if he decided to get a divorce, then I would not interfere, but he should be the initiator. Of course, he developed an inexplicable hatred for me. He constantly humiliated me with the last words, shouted that I was the lowest of women... with the most painful and offensive words... I will not hide that I was VERY hurt and offended... The court gave us 6 months to think about it. My husband's work was transferred to another city. The husband and his mistress did not wait 6 months and got married. True, without registration in the registry office, because legally he was still married to me. I think many will understand what it was like for me to go through all this. In general, my entire nightmare lasted 11 years. Two years have passed since all these events. I went to college, went to work as a florist in a flower shop, and live with my mother. Stepfather died. My husband never appeared in my life and in the lives of our children. The pain from everything I experienced remained with me. The only thing I don’t understand is why is all this to me??? Why did I have to suffer, for love??? I sincerely loved this man, prayed to God for him, hoped that everything would work out for us... But everything turned out differently. He recently had a son. And I? And I continue to live, believe in God and try to forgive my ex-husband, but it just doesn’t work... I am by nature a very kind, friendly, not vindictive, not able to envy anyone, and a fair woman. I try to help anyone who asks, but I can’t forgive my ex. The pain still sits inside me and slowly gnaws at me. How can I forgive and forget everything that happened to me? God blessed me with children. I have wonderful children. The children never saw me in tears, I never lashed out at them. For them, through tears and pain, I was and am a cheerful, loving mother, for whom everything is always fine. And I hope God will give me strength to continue to fight the pain in my soul...

Tatyana, age: 31 / 02/26/2012

Responses:

Tatiana, I sympathize with you very much. You are still so young, but so many trials have already come your way. Do not force yourself if you are not ready to forgive and let go of your husband, let it be as it is... Let him live his own life, he has his own difficult path. The main thing is that you yourself did not break down, did not become malicious, envious, and maintained your faith. Believe me, you will be rewarded for your kindness and warmth. You are still very young, you will definitely be happy, you will definitely meet your love! I wish this for you with all my heart! Do not despair! Life is sometimes bitter, difficult, unfair, but there is always something good that makes the soul perk up! Surely life with children and a mother is calmer and happier than with a despot husband, right? Thank God for this, and also for the fact that everyone is alive and well. Unfortunately, life is not a school lesson where if you behave well, you will definitely get an A. Everyone carries their own cross, absolutely everyone. And your cross is within your power. And the main thing is that the torment and tears are behind you, and only the best is ahead! I don't even doubt it.

Aliniya, age: 25/02/27/2012

Tatiana, dear, after reading your letter I could hardly exhale from indignation - why are kind, sweet, loving people so BLIND! I can’t say anything except one thing - God TOOK this man away from you as soon as he could. But really, if a person does not want to notice His help, he will not notice anything. Tanyusha, you call yourself fair. How fair are you? You gave so many years of your life to the TYRAN and continue to sigh for him!!! You can, of course, give up on everything I write and spit on my reasoning, but I am not writing to offend you out of an attempt to offend you. I want to help. Dear Tanyusha! You should urgently see a psychologist. Well, at least communicate with him through the website. You are a classic VICTIM. If you don’t understand this and don’t correct it, then it’s very likely that you’ll let a tyrant into your life again. You can say whatever you want from your position, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to LOVE a person who beats and humiliates you day after day. This is not love. Question: what then? Dependence of the victim on the tyrant. The Lord still removed this person from your life. A TERRIBLE, MORAL FREAK person. The Lord has given you the opportunity to become truly happy. For you and your children. A REAL MAN: -DOES NOT BEAT -DOES NOT TRASH WOMEN -DOES NOT TAKE A CHILD AWAY FROM THE MOTHER -DOES NOT HUMILIATE -DOES NOT THREATEN -DOES NOT MAKE YOUR HOUSE A PRISON FOR A WOMAN -DOES NOT WISH THE DEATH OF HIS CHILDREN. And believe me, there are a lot of such men - normal, kind, responsible. Yes, sometimes a normal man can go astray, fall into fornication, fall into drunkenness, but for him this is a disease of the soul, this is a disaster. And your ex-husband is just a VERY BAD MAN. And his soul is initially with a wormhole. And he returned you because a TYRAN cannot live without a SACRIFICE. He is insolvent without her - zero without a stick. And the fact that he is now in more or less normal relations with his new passion means that disasters didn’t start right away for you either. He is slowly promoting his next “victim”. I sincerely sympathize with you, it’s hard to even imagine what you have experienced all these years. But you DESERVE true happiness. True, work with a psychologist. And you will see that you spent so many years on something other than a man. May the Lord make you wise!

Elena, age: 36 / 02/27/2012

Tanechka! How lucky you are that you and the children were left alone! Just imagine for a second the reverse situation and the HORROR if your husband had not left you, if he himself had not given you a divorce, blackmailed you with your children, would not have allowed you to see them, would have continued to mock not only you, but also children... And in terms of your “fairness” you flatter yourself. You are being unfair to yourself and are VERY depriving your children by being depressed. Thank the Almighty for your freedom and learn to rejoice. I know from experience that after a divorce it is very difficult. But the fact that your ex-husband is not in the life of your family is a great success. Don’t even doubt it and don’t regret anything.

Olga, age: 38 / 02/27/2012

Tanya, you can’t earn love with your good behavior. They don’t like you for this, they take advantage of you. Divide your goodness in half and give it to good people. And replace the other half with demands and self-esteem. This can be used to treat manipulators and moral monsters. If you expect your ex to appreciate everything you gave him, you won’t get it. He is simply not capable of this. AT ALL! Accept this as an axiom. Tanya, you are now a free, happy, young woman, the mother of two wonderful children. There is no need to fight pain, turn it into endless gratitude to God for liberation. You have had such life experience. Just be truly free. This is already in the past. Life goes on - and it is beautiful. I know, they did (though without physical violence). And a good psychologist will come in very handy now. Recovery will go much faster.

Alexandra, age: 42 / 02/27/2012

Dear Tatyana, I really sympathize with you, your story brings tears to my eyes! I myself also have a similar story, although much shorter, and now I am in the process of divorcing my husband. He beat me several times when I was still pregnant with our son, all the anger began after drinking. The bruises did not have time to heal on my body, I did not hear words of love, only insults and curses... I hoped that everything would change after the birth of the baby, that he would become different... It’s all in vain, in vain we hope and believe in them, they never change , it’s only getting worse... Now my son is only 9 months old, but I decided to finally break up with my husband. I don’t want my baby to see humiliation, insults and beatings, but what if he becomes like this later? Never!!! I don’t want it that way, and from your story I’m convinced that time doesn’t change people, that you don’t have to endure it, you just have to tear it up - once and for all! True, I’m a little more fortunate - I have good parents, my own apartment, a good job (only I’m still on maternity leave). But it’s still hard on my soul that I’m alone, that my child will grow up without a father... Sometimes I think that God sends us such men for a reason (it’s hard to call them men), I hope that in the future we will meet worthy, real men and in comparison we will understand - what happiness this is! Live life to the fullest, work, study and raise your children! This is the most important thing in a woman’s life - children! I wish you to meet a decent man who will love you and your children and who will never be such a weakling as to raise his hand against a woman... You are still very young, everything is ahead of you. Good luck to you, Tatyana!

Marina, age: 27/28/02/2012

To be honest, I admire you. Despite everything, you did not commit sin and you have two children. You are a woman who knows how to be one. The children will grow up and you will have reliable protection. The mental pain is the worst. There are no painkillers for it. There is no way to erase memory. You passed the tests with dignity, which means that a corresponding reward awaits you, and perhaps even ten times greater. No one has yet built happiness on someone else's misfortune. There is nothing even to envy them, but only to sympathize with them. You were able to cope with mental pain, but could they? Breathe easy, you are blessed.

yy, age: 41 / 02/28/2012

Tanya, I really want to support you! Your letter really touched me! I read a lot of stories on this site, each situation is individual, always analyzing it, trying to understand why it was given. But in your case, only one thing comes - “GOD ANSWERED!!!” Tanya, thank God that He delivered you from this man. Don’t hold any grudges or grudges against him, let him go, forget about it. That nightmare you lived in for 11 years is not love. Perhaps you wanted to see love in this, and you saw it, but it is an addiction. A loving person would never do the things your husband did. Yes, many men leave their families, many drink, many get tired of everyday life and run away in search of entertainment. But systematic beatings are completely abnormal. These are the actions of a mentally unbalanced person, a sick person. He needs the help of specialists and the help of God. He himself does not know what he is doing. Therefore, Tanya, don’t regret that it’s over. God tried all the time to take you away from this person, but you yourself returned yourself to this vicious circle... Forgive your ex, pray for him - don’t expect it to pass quickly - six months, a year, two - pray constantly. Gradually, step by step, this resentment will pass. You will understand that he is simply an inadequate person, that he has big problems psychologically, but why should you live with him? You are a healthy, young woman with two beautiful children, you are a mother, you should live in harmony and happiness, and not in a constantly depressed state and tears. Therefore, live now for yourself and your children, and forget your husband, in your case you did not lose, you only gained from this separation. Won your freedom and a quiet life! God bless you!

Julia, age: 27/28/02/2012

Dear Tatyana! You did the right thing by bringing your bitter story to this site. You have lightened your burden and your life with your husband will be an edification and a lesson to all women on how not to build family relationships. You know, Tanya, you can try contacting a center for helping women who have experienced violence, if there is one in your city. Or find a psychologist who is competent in such matters, and together try to find answers to all the questions that torment you. Look for a way out: people, literature that can help. Don't suffer and be tormented unnecessarily alone. The situation and problem of domestic violence, unfortunately, is an acute and very widespread problem. Moral and physical violence against a person is a strong psychological trauma. And the fact that you have experienced this requires awareness and comprehension, deep understanding, otherwise there is a great risk that this could happen again. Tatyana, in my opinion, your question is: “Why do I need such tests?” reveals in you the position of a person who has no control over himself and his destiny. What caught my eye at the beginning of the letter was your phrase that you thought of getting married once and BELONGING to your husband. Tanya, how can a PERSON belong to another person, even his own husband? This is not serfdom, not some kind of slavery, not private property. Tanya, cultivate in yourself and raise an adult, mature, independent and, if possible, independent person in all respects. Become more internally free and independent of other people’s assessments, develop a sense of self-esteem. Try to have your own opinion on everything. This will require remarkable energy and lifelong efforts from you, but the game is worth the candle. I would also like to recommend you to read Erich Frome’s book “The Art of Loving”, it can be downloaded on the Internet for free. Food for thought. You know, Tanya, I really want to encourage you and instill in you confidence that YOU ARE A PERSON: a unique, God’s creation with talents, abilities and inclinations, necessary for yourself and this world. The most disgusting and unbearable feeling a person can experience is to feel worthless and downtrodden. While I was writing to you, I heard on TV an excerpt from A.P.’s letter. Chekhov to the publisher and journalist A.F. Suvorin. In it, he writes about the need for a person to feel personal freedom: “What the noble writers took from nature for nothing, the commoners buy at the cost of youth. Write a story about how a young man, the son of a serf, a former shopkeeper, a high school student and a student, brought up on the veneration of rank, the worship of other people's thoughts... SQUEES OUT OF HIMSELF DROP BY DROP SLAVE and how he, waking up one fine morning, feels that in his It is no longer slave blood that flows in our veins, but real human blood.” You can make this the motto of your life. Tatyana, do not be discouraged and do not give in to difficulties. Take care of yourself and never allow anyone to humiliate your human dignity again, even if this is your beloved husband. Love, of course, presupposes patience, but there is a line that cannot be crossed. And it is important that it, this facet, appears inside you, in your soul, in your consciousness. Good luck and success! I believe that everything will work out WELL and HAPPY for you from now on!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 02/28/2012

Tatyana, I’m very sorry for you. It’s a pity that you don’t love yourself, that you tormented yourself for so many years. You constantly repeat that you loved your husband and endured. But understand: a loving person will not tolerate beatings. Because in this way he will contribute to the moral degradation of his loved one. I agree with Elena: you never loved your husband, but depended on him in a terrible way. And you also write about faith. Christian love is not like that. The Bible says, “Proclaim the truth in love.” Do you understand? The truth. And the truth here is that you cannot treat a person the way your husband treated you. The Bible teaches to reprove sin, and if the sinner does not listen to reproof, then “let him be to you as a pagan and a tax collector.” But the Jews, the first Christians, did not communicate with pagans and tax collectors. The pagans and publicans were strangers to them. And the answer to your question: “For what?” quite natural: you yourself have doomed yourself to this torment, unfortunately. This is sad to write. But now you have hope. The hope of a new life. Tatyana, dear, begin your path to God. The real God, and not the one you imagined Him to be. Go to church, join the church, read the Scriptures. Learn what true love is. And finally figure out your victim psychology (with a psychologist), otherwise you are in danger of attracting another tyrant like your husband. And thank God that now you are free from him.

Maria, age: 31/02/28/2012

Dear Tanechka, how lucky you are that this relationship with the sadist ended. I completely agree with Elena, he only needed you in the role of a victim. My relationship with my husband also followed this scenario and they were also doomed. We need to be happy that we are alive and well and everything is ahead of us! You see, in this situation, a breakup is the best thing that can happen, because he could have killed. Thank God it's all over. But love is different. Love gives strength, not takes away. Forgiveness is very difficult, do not reproach yourself for not being able to forgive yet, this day will definitely come. You know, I decided to talk to a psychologist, I think that there is this “victim” in me that attracts dishonest men. Listen to Elena's advice, she writes correctly. Everything can be decided, we need to fight for ourselves, we deserve only the best!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 02/28/2012

Tanya, hello! In my life, too, there was a nightmare of almost 20 years of living with my husband, the father of my two children. Our life together ended 3 years ago, I was leaving for another 2 years, and only last year did I finally feel like a normal person. I won’t describe everything that happened with my husband, I’ll just say that now, looking back, I’m surprised - how could I endure so much? Why didn't I tear it all apart sooner? and there is only one answer: then my children would not exist... And who knows how life would have turned out... The Lord sees everything and sees our soul, and what is good for us. And your pain will pass, believe me, very soon - everything will be fine

Ekaterina, age: 36 / 02/28/2012

Tatyana, indeed, your life was almost a complete nightmare. For what? This is the wrong way to pose the question. Not at all, but for what? Apparently, it was better for your soul. Who knows what kind of person you would be now if your life had been happy and prosperous all these years? Maybe you wouldn't learn to appreciate real happiness? You know, people who have never suffered cannot be happy. They always want more and more and feel neither joy nor satisfaction. But a person who has suffered will already be able to appreciate the good that God will give him. All these years you have had a real consolation - these are your children. Of course, it is because you are such a good and believing person that God rewarded you with them. But just think for a minute: how many good people there are, but they have disabled children. Or people themselves become disabled in the prime of life. At the same time, these can be wonderful people. This does not mean that God is unjust or cruel. When something hurts, we go to the doctor, and the doctor gives us bitter medicine, perhaps even prescribes an operation, a course of painful injections, a diet, and various painful and unpleasant things. And we are treated because we want to get well. And here our soul is sick (and everyone is sick, unfortunately), and not some doctor, but God himself is trying to cure us. Yes, he sends sorrows and suffering, because this is the medicine that can change and cure our soul. There is not a single person on earth who would live his life completely without suffering and sorrow. Some have more, some have less, but everyone has their own cross. Our life is just a moment, preparation for death. When we die, it will turn out that the best thing that happened to us was our trials, our suffering and sorrow. Because they made our soul purer, better, and brought us to God. Let your husband go, forget him, erase him from your life. One can only sympathize with his new wife, because... People like your ex usually don't change. Therefore, she will also be beaten (if not already). You cannot forgive him because it seems unfair to you that he seems to be happy and everything is fine with him. Believe me, this is an illusion. And in general, don’t think, don’t evaluate what is right and what is wrong. Life itself will put everything in its place. Live your life. No not like this. Live your NEW, HAPPY, JOYFUL LIFE!

Maria), age: 34 / 02/28/2012

Tanyusha! I read your story - I both feel sorry for you and admire you! A woman like you is a treasure these days! You can make any man happy! GOOD FAITHFUL. Some here write that you did not love your husband - this is not true, you loved your husband. Why did you endure the beatings? Because he is a kind, gentle person, unable to respond to swearing with swear words. Yes, and they depended on him, so they endured it. It’s not your fault that they didn’t appreciate you, it’s okay - they will still appreciate you (see the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”). It’s generally Russian to hold a diamond in your hands and sell it for a penny. Why do you need this? I have already written here that in order to come to God, you need to grow up, and become more independent and no longer allow yourself to be beaten, etc. neither my husband, nor my mother, nor my stepfather. And yet, carrot love is good, but as far as I understand, your ex is not a poor man, and you have two children, apply for division of property and alimony. And without sentimentality! He betrayed you and did not appreciate you! I am a father myself and I have a son, and I can’t imagine how you can talk like your husband said about his sons. Here's your first test of growing up. And in the fight there will be no time to feel sorry for yourself. Win and you will begin to respect yourself. You will succeed. You are wonderful, I would like such a wife for my son. With God blessing!

Mikhail, age: 44 / 02/29/2012

Tanya, you should be happy that he finally freed you from himself! Is this a Man worthy of love?! You will certainly cope with this situation and become stronger. And your children - what good would they see with such a dad? What attitudes would my son grow up with - that it’s okay to beat and humiliate your wife? And you, I am sure, will raise your children to be decent people. You are great for holding yourself together in front of the children, I couldn’t do it... I wish you happiness!

Ekaterina, age: 35 / 02/29/2012

Tanya, you are a classic Russian woman. Patient to the point of amazement, forgiving even the impossible. Is it good or bad? Yes and no. There is a parable: one person was asked what his advantages were, he listed them, and then they asked about his shortcomings, he listed the SAME QUALITIES... Think about it.

Galina, age: 38 / 02/29/2012

Hello, dear Tatyana. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart: for raising your children, for not seeing your tears, for not giving up and continuing to live. I love you very much. It’s true, I like you so much. And looking at you, I have no right to cry and be upset over my minor troubles. Tatyana, try asking the question differently, not “for what?”, but “for what?”. Because we ourselves attract people into our lives. There are people who help us to be kind, to be strong, to be forgiving. This is necessary for you to become stronger, for you to become wiser. Please read the fairy tale “Little Soul and the Sun” by Neil Donald Walsh, there are answers to your questions. I love and respect you very much. Try to love yourself too!

Svetlana, age: 26 / 03/03/2012

Tatyana, forget about this like a bad dream... It may sound ridiculous and primitive, but it was a bad dream... And your children are NOT allowed to have such dreams!!! You don’t want your daughter to think that this is how it should be in a family - mom is bruised and dad is fornicating? Think about them, take care, you will succeed. If you have found the strength to keep your child, you will succeed. And the fact that until the last moment you remained true to yourself and your beliefs. You are well done. And there is no reason for your grief, but why and for what... It’s better to ask yourself these questions and don’t become bitter, the most important thing is that a little more time will pass and you will understand what you have been given to learn... Don’t forget about yourself - blind devotion is a temptation for a weak-spirited person to whom you are devoted. You are responsible for yourself before God, yourself and your children. PS: 7 years ago I allowed myself to be led by my weakness, fears, neuroses, cowardice in front of life - I sent my wife for an abortion (not to say that she was resigned - quite the opposite). I now have two children (this happened before the birth of the second, 3 years ago), then it seemed to me that if it didn’t go according to plan and funds were limited, then I could do it this way... Even though my wife later betrayed me behind my back with my friend and there were no options developments, a billion was possible, but the desire to return everything back will not go away - but it is impossible. What if the younger one might not be around?? In the past, I, a man, wanted to hang myself when I realized what I had really done. I couldn’t pass the exam under normal living conditions compared to yours... So the most significant victory is already yours, hang in there, everything will be fine, don’t doubt it.

Victor, age: 34 / 03/03/2012

I apologize in advance to Tatyana if my review seems too harsh to her. But why did you have to endure SO many years? How could you live with a man who beats, cheats in front of your eyes, does not take into account the opinions of others, hates his wife and children? This is what people who don’t love themselves endure. Your relationship with your husband cannot be called anything other than TYRAN-VICTIM. And you feared him more than you loved him (if you can even call it love). The first and most important step has already been taken - the past relationship is no more. God took you away from this man. Thank God your husband left, because such assault could have turned out much more tragic. All you have to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on!!! I really hope that you will never repeat this mistake again and will not step on the rake that already bruised your forehead... You are much stronger than you think! Happiness to you and your children! PS I myself was once in such a situation, although without beatings or children. This was my first, but REAL (as I thought) LOVE, which lasted 2 years... My man also mentally abused me, tested my strength, tried to break me. He also cheated, and also obviously. I couldn’t stand it and left. He brought me back. My heart rejoiced, but my mind repeated: “It’s impossible, it will be even worse, you’ll be lost...” When he crossed the line again, I couldn’t stand it. Gone. He tried to win me back again, but I realized that it would only get worse and stopped listening to my heart. It was very painful and excruciating, I forgot about him for 7 years. I tried to find HIM in every next man. I still remember. 2 years ago I met him by chance on the subway, everything stirred in my soul again, my heart began to beat tremulously. But 15 years have passed and I have become wiser. I'm glad he was in my life. I'm glad I tried to break it and I'm glad I didn't break it. This is a valuable experience and now I know exactly what I will NEVER allow again and what a man should not do.

Milena, age: 33 / 03/05/2012

Hello Tatiana! Thank God for everything. Rejoice that you got rid of such a husband and despot. Start loving and respecting yourself, and then worthy and decent men will appear in your life. You are only 31. You need to forgive in your soul. Remember about your husband and say to yourself: “I forgive you and let you go.” You cannot tolerate such an attitude towards yourself. You deserve happiness and love. In my parental family, dad is a tyrant, mom is a victim. Previously, she lived for the sake of her children, endured rude treatment of herself, beatings, screams, scandals. And we, children, heard all this, saw all this. Now brothers behave the same way towards their wives (no beatings, really, just scandals). And when I see all this, I start to pound, I reprimand my parents and brothers. Mom devoted herself entirely to dad, living her life in insults and scandals. And I can't help her because they don't want to change. And I got married at 19 years old. After a while, my husband started drinking, beating me, yelling at me, calling me nasty names. And instead of fighting back the offender, I cried, asked for an apology, served, and humiliated myself. 18 years of my family life turned into hard labor, only my beloved children and work saved me. But by learning to love and respect myself, I was able to change my life for the better. My husband and I divorced, and he no longer has power over me. I live my life, try to think positively and raise my children differently. Tatiana, everything will be fine. You will see, happiness will smile on you and your children. All the best to you!

Lera, age: 39 / 03/06/2012

Tatyana, I read your story. I was shocked! and I just want to tell you: “God grant you happiness, health and patience”!!! You deserve it! With deep respect, Lyudmila

Lyudmila, age: 30 / 03/07/2012

Dear woman, you are very strong and a great fellow. Your ex-husband will behave exactly the same in the new family. My life is not all sugar either, a lot can be written about this. You just haven’t met your soulmate. You can live your whole life, but she can never be found. I wish you and your children health, the rest is all in your hands. And who said that women are the weaker sex? Good luck!!!

Oksana, age: 34 / 03/18/2014

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There are no absolutely happy families, as in Hollywood films. Even fairy tales all end with the wedding of the heroes. Marriage is not relaxation after the struggle for the right to be happy, and registration in the registry office does not provide any guarantees. Unfortunately, only a few remember this, and the fact that both must work for family well-being. According to statistics, more than half of families break up a year after legalization of marriage. But even after the breakup, passions do not subside. Before you fight your ex-husband’s aggression, you should understand yourself and understand what led to such an attitude. This is why you need distance after a divorce, time to think things over.

Is it worth pursuing reunification again after a divorce? Write in the comments your stories and how you found a way out of broken love.

Why does a spirit of competition arise between ex-spouses?

Former spouses are not just separated lovers, they are people who have gone through all the stages and difficulties of separation, from the first doubts and attempts to preserve a relationship that has become fragile, to the last difficult decisions about children, apartments, and finances.

Why does parting so often not bring a bright sense of freedom or at least just peace and satisfaction? Probably, in order to understand the essence of this problem, we must try to understand each relationship history.

After all, long before the divorce, a man and a woman lived a whole life together, full of incredible and vivid emotions. First meeting, falling in love, first intimacy - and it seems it will always be like this. This unforgettable stage, as a rule, remains in the memory and subconscious of a person for a long time.

All further problems and questions will be constantly compared with this best period of life together. But at some point the spouse suddenly begins to evoke pity (he cannot feed his family!), although he once seemed to be the personification of strength and masculinity.

A married woman often hears reproaches from her husband about how “slender or cheerful” she used to be.

And this is quite normal, because in the way of the young couple, “pushing the lyrics” to the background, everyday and financial problems arose that needed to be resolved.

Unfortunately, often the joint “struggle for life” - finding a job, raising children, household chores, instead of uniting a married couple, brings discord and hostility into the relationship.

An unspoken competition arises about who contributes more to family well-being, who should have the final say, who is the leader, and so on.

The inability to stop in time and sort out one’s differences, the reluctance to simply feel sorry for a partner, to sympathize with each other like a “funnel” drags them into an even greater whirlpool of disagreements, leading to unnecessary showdowns, and sometimes mutual unfair insults.