Conflict is a confrontation between the interests of two parties, a difference in interests, needs or views. This is a normal part of a relationship, of course, provided it is resolved constructively. Conflicts happen in every family. There is even a typology of families based on the level of conflict. But first things first.
Types of families by frequency of conflicts
Depending on the frequency, depth and severity of conflicts in psychology, it is customary to distinguish families:
- Crisis. Conflicts between the needs and interests of spouses occur constantly, in every area. The partners are hostile towards each other and are unable to resolve the conflict constructively.
- Conflict. The interests of partners often conflict, but the spouses are capable, and most importantly want, to find a constructive solution.
- Problematic. Relations between spouses are strained, often escalate and are ready to take the form of conflict at any moment. This is caused by long-term unsatisfaction of the needs of family members.
- Neurotic. Families with high anxiety, tension, chronic and severe dissatisfaction, instability.
What kind of disagreements happen in a family?
The typology of family conflicts distinguishes two types of quarrels.
- Constructive are family conflicts, the peculiarity of which is that reconciliation brings a sense of satisfaction and relief to the two partners. The spouses find a compromise solution that will satisfy the interests of both parties.
- Destructive – features of family conflicts of this group in duration and lack of solution to the problem situation. Often in families where destructive quarrels arise, divorces occur.
Types of family conflicts
- Conflicts can be open (quarrel, scandal, fight) and hidden (internal discontent, passive aggression).
- In addition, conflicts can be easily resolved (the cause and solutions are easy to find) and difficult to resolve (the problem is difficult to find, and after the solution, tension remains in the relationship).
- We can also distinguish between constructive and destructive conflicts. Destructive ones create long-term tension in the family, and the spouses become convinced that there is a real threat of divorce. Constructive conflicts force spouses to treat each other more carefully and strive to understand their partner.
Most often, conflicts arise at the so-called grinding-in stage, that is, at the beginning of a relationship, when spouses are just adapting to each other’s characteristics. At this stage, it is especially important to work through conflicts, find their causes and solve problems.
When do you need help from a psychologist?
How to resolve the conflict that has arisen? The first step is recognizing the problem. But even when the reason for the dispute is completely clear and there is an idea of how to get out of the crisis, many couples cannot come to a compromise.
Often, participants in a conflict see the situation one-sidedly and are not ready to see/hear/understand another point of view. Sometimes it requires the participation of a third, disinterested person who can take an unbiased look at different points of view and convey them to each of the partners. These are not moms, dads and friends, but a professional psychologist.
When it becomes clear that all conflicts in a relationship cannot be resolved on their own, it is better for the couple to turn to a specialist.
Causes of conflicts
The cause of conflict is potentially any difference in views, needs, habits, or experiences. We all know that the cause of a conflict is always personally significant, and it is simply impossible to name all possible reasons. What is a reason for one couple is a reason to laugh for another.
The burden of family responsibilities, unsettled life, a new complex way of life - all this can provoke conflicts. It is noted that men suffer more due to difficulties in everyday life, physical and material matters. While women are more quickly undermined by the loss of romanticism, lack of respect and expressions of love on the part of their partner.
The most popular and generalized reason for failure is an inadequate attitude towards the ease of marriage. The basis of this attitude is unpreparedness for family relationships.
One way or another, conflicts arise due to the unmet needs of one or both spouses. In this context, the theory of V. A. Sysenko is of interest. The author identified the following causes of conflicts based on unmet needs:
- Unsatisfied need for the value and significance of the “I”. Arises as a result of disrespectful attitude on the part of a partner, insults, insults, and inadequate criticism. Manifests itself in conflicts and quarrels.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. The basis for this may be a mismatch of arousal cycles, low sexuality of one of the partners, overwork, illiteracy in matters of hygiene, illness and neuroses. Manifests itself in conflicts, disagreements, and mental stress.
- Dissatisfaction with the need for emotional intimacy: affection, care, attention, understanding. The reason is psychological alienation. Expressed by conflicts, quarrels, depression, mental stress.
- Addictions of one of the spouses that ruin the family (alcoholism, gambling addiction). Expressed in conflicts, quarrels, disagreements.
- Exaggerated needs of one of the spouses, which causes disagreements in matters of the family budget and the contribution of each spouse.
- Unmet basic needs (clothing, food) due to the personal needs of the other spouse. It is reflected in conflicts, quarrels, disagreements.
- Conflicting needs for cooperation, help, division of responsibilities at home or raising children. Manifests itself in conflicts.
- Different needs in matters of recreation. Because of this, conflicts, quarrels, and disagreements arise.
It is the needs that are primarily studied by a psychologist to help the family. Needs determine motives and interests, emotions, resistance to external stimuli. Depression and neuroses often have their roots in family discord.
The more stable your needs are, the more stable your marriage is. Communication between spouses should be emotionally positive. Neither spouse should experience a feeling of alienation and mental loneliness.
In a relationship, at least a minimum level of need satisfaction must be achieved. Otherwise, discomfort, negative emotions and feelings arise. With unmet or partially satisfied needs, physical and mental personal tension first arises, and then the emotional and psychological stability of the marriage begins to suffer. Unfortunately, sometimes the very personality of one spouse is an obstacle to meeting the needs of the other.
How to get along in character
A common cause of separations and divorces is considered to be dissimilarity of characters, so experts give advice on how spouses with very different temperaments and interests can get along together.
Try not to conflict without a serious reason. When your partner starts an argument, stop and do not give in to provocation. It is better to gently hug and kiss your spouse so that he stops. Do not hide your resentment, do not accumulate irritation and discontent. It’s better to decide everything at once and not remember the sins of a year ago.
Know how to discern your spouse’s mood, even when you think he is wrong. When your significant other is in a bad mood, it is difficult for him to fulfill your wishes.
Do not reproach simply to confuse your spouse, and then force him to fulfill your demand under pressure. Psychologists recommend praising first and then criticizing. This advance gives positive results.
Before you express your grievance, think about what exactly doesn’t suit you. Maybe it's all about your fatigue.
Learn to make peace. Organize an impromptu negotiating table where you can talk openly and admit each other’s mistakes. In conversation, use the unifying words “our”, “we”, “ours” more often.
By following the advice and recommendations of experts, showing patience and care for each other, you can build a long and strong relationship
When resolving a conflict situation, it is important to understand that you are struggling with the disagreements that have arisen in order to stay together, and not in order to quarrel and destroy the family
Conflict resolution
The structure of family conflict and the strategies of behavior in it are the same as in any other conflict. I would like to take a closer look at the strategies and their consequences for family conflict.
- Dominance. Doomed in advance to failure. Ignoring the interests and needs of your partner will further aggravate the situation.
- Withdrawal and avoidance. It will not resolve the conflict, but will transform it into chronic status. The family will be “treading water,” just like its members.
- Compliance. It will lead to a frustrated state of one of the partners, an imbalance in the relationship (rights, power, responsibilities). The family will become unstable and unstable.
- Compromise. More or less acceptable option, but not ideal. Mutual concessions take place, but in the depths of their souls, each spouse will have a sediment.
- Cooperation. The optimal solution to the conflict. Promotes personal growth of spouses, increased communication skills, development and strengthening of the family.
Strategy for handling a family quarrel
Conflict is always accompanied by a quarrel. But it can be used to your advantage. In psychology, there is a concept of a strategy for managing a family quarrel. This is a dispute between two loving people, in which the truth is born without accusations or harsh words.
- The first condition is that no one craves victory. Both want to resolve the contradiction. The defeat of one of the spouses is the defeat of the whole family.
- The second condition is to always respect your spouse, no matter how guilty he may be. Even in the most terrible rage, you need to remember how dear this person was to you just recently.
- The third condition is that after a quarrel, do not return to it, do not even mention its reasons.
When solving a problem, it is important to avoid maximalism and categorical judgments, and not to involve third parties (friends, children, relatives) in the conflict. Be honest with yourself about what is bothering you. Also honestly tell your partner about this.
Positive family therapy
If you cannot solve the problem on your own, then it is wise to visit a psychologist. Family positive psychotherapy is used to resolve family conflicts. The conflict is processed through 4 directions:
- bodily (sensation and perception);
- activity (mind and activity);
- social and communicative (contact, traditions);
- communication (imagination and intuition).
It is important that work in these areas is carried out in unity and consistency. The body will show how the situation is reflected, the social direction will introduce the experience of older generations, the imagination will make a forecast and present a solution, activity will bring it to life.
If one of the directions predominates, then the number of possibilities for solving the problem is significantly reduced. Moreover, various types of dysfunctions are noted:
- With a predominance of the physical – insomnia, drowsiness, eating disorders, psychosomatic diseases and sexual anomalies.
- When activity predominates, avoidance of the problem: passion for other activities (work, entertainment) or passivity and apathy, idleness. If the conflict is processed in this way, then the spouse’s inadequate self-esteem, fear of failure, and focus on results are noted.
- When the social direction predominates - avoiding the problem into superficial communication, company, or vice versa, avoiding any contacts and communication.
- Imagination, separately from other elements, takes a person into the unreal world of fantasies and illusions, dreams. This makes the conflict worse.
Why else is it important to consider family history? The author of this concept, N. Pezeshkian, identifies an actual and basic conflict. Current – what is happening in the family now. Basic – conflict in the family of the parents of one of the spouses, brought by him into his family.
To resolve the current conflict, you need to resolve the basic one, that is, understand how relationships were built in the parental family. Everything that influenced the development of the personality of the current spouses in childhood is important. We need to find the causes and object of the basic conflict and positively rethink it.
Fathers and Sons
Another type of common conflict is the eternal problem of fathers and children. How often do we hear that parents do not understand the new generation, and children, in turn, do not want to listen to the advice of their elders.
Parents and children can conflict for several reasons:
Increased demands on the child. Often parents or one of them wants to raise a genius or an outstanding athlete. When this does not happen, disappointment appears in the father or mother and a feeling of inferiority in the child. Family relationships. Harmonious relationships between children and parents cannot appear in a family where parents argue with each other, do not respect elders, and behave inappropriately in society. Children in such families grow up restless, nervous, and prone to bad behavior. Spouses have disagreements in matters of education. From a very early age, when the child’s personality is just beginning to form, parents should discuss the principles of upbringing that will guide them. In other words, the child must clearly understand that dad and mom are unanimous in what is good and what is bad. Children's age crises. Like relationships, children also experience their own crises, which loving parents should help them overcome. Psychologists distinguish crises of 1 year, 3, 6−7, 12−14 and 15−17 years. Personality characteristics of parents and children. Every person, even a small one, is an individual personality with his own character traits, views and behavioral characteristics.
In family life, it is important to learn to listen to everyone, even sometimes to the detriment of one’s self.
To avoid conflicts between parents and children and raise a harmonious personality, you should:
Set a positive example for children. Education should not be based on an empty “no”, but on the personal experience of parents, which will become an example to follow. Create family hobbies and distribute responsibilities. From an early age, a child should perceive the family as a single organism with its own foundations and traditions. Children should also be clearly aware of their responsibilities. Take part in children's lives. In the modern world, parents often do not pay due attention to their children, buying them off with expensive toys.
But do not forget that a child needs a mother and father, and it does not matter whether he is 3 years old or 20. Do not overprotect the child. It can be very difficult to grasp the fine line between absolute indifference in the lives of children and the desire to protect them from any problem
It is important to find a middle ground here - allow the child to gain his own experience by making mistakes, and always offer help in a difficult situation.
When a child appears in a family, parents are no longer responsible only for the young family, but also for their baby. Therefore, it’s time to find a compromise in conflicts, without thereby provoking new disagreements with children.
What to do to avoid quarreling
The method of resolving family conflicts is highly effective. In essence, ways to resolve quarrels are the prevention of family conflicts.
Show interest in each other.
As a rule, family quarrels and marital conflicts arise due to the fact that there is no communication between people
It is important to learn to put aside everyday activities and make time for each other
Prevention of family conflicts involves daily conversations between spouses, ask each other how the day went, take an interest in their mood and affairs. Take part in the conversation, sympathize, show emotions.
Most often, family conflicts and quarrels occur in young families. To avoid stressful situations, from the first day of meeting, try to get to know each other, ask questions, be interested in your partner
It is important to know a person’s weaknesses in order to understand whether you are ready to put up with them
Listen and hear.
Family conflicts and quarrels are a consequence of the fact that people do not know how to hear each other.
Learn to spend time with each other in the evening, ask about work, take an interest in your concerns. Try not to dump your own problems on your spouse, this will lead to the person becoming withdrawn.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
Diagnostic psychology offers an effective way to resolve a conflict situation - put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Often the partner sees the cause of the quarrel and perceives the situation completely differently. It is enough to try to understand the feelings and emotions of another person and the atmosphere in the family will become calmer.
Don't criticize or bring up the past.
As a rule, family conflicts and disagreements arise when one of the spouses constantly criticizes. Psychologists recommend never starting a conversation with accusations, because every sharp word will return to the accuser.
Breathe.
How to avoid family conflicts? The answer is simple - when you want to say something caustic and sharp, breathe deeply for a few minutes. For what? On the one hand, this calms you down, and on the other hand, it will keep you from saying words under the influence of emotions. If you want to sort things out immediately, take a piece of paper and write down your complaints. Such written messages help to contain negative emotions and look at the situation from the outside.
Admit mistakes and forgive.
Be prepared not only to listen to your opponent's point of view, but also to admit that it is correct. Sometimes, for a successful and positive outcome of a quarrel, it is enough to admit your guilt. In this case, the spouse will appreciate the courage and honesty of the partner and will be the first to reconcile.
Make a compromise.
Every argument a person gives in favor of being right is a step towards divorce. You cannot try to win a dispute at any cost; it is better and more effective to jointly find a compromise that will suit both sides.
