Nice guy syndrome is a pattern of behavior of a representative of the stronger sex, aimed at the desire to look good in the eyes of others. Sensitive men believe that obedience and fulfilling the demands of society will help them realize themselves in society, as well as earn love.
Psychologists note that age does not matter for such a person. When a good guy makes others happy, he himself experiences positive emotions. But following the whims of relatives, friends or spouse prevents a man from living a full life, achieving success at work and in everyday affairs.
Definition of the concept
Psychology has a separate opinion on what the good guy syndrome is. From a scientific point of view, this term applies to a man who has the following characteristics:
- excessive softness;
- sensitivity
- vulnerability.
Such a representative of the stronger sex puts the needs of other people above his own. In the context of a relationship, this may mean refusing to express true feelings, avoiding conflicts, and indulging in any desires of a companion. However, the opposite sex often associates nice guy syndrome with unattractiveness or a lack of ambition.
Another explanation
Researchers from the University of Texas went further in their desire to find out what attracts women to the category of men who are called bad. They collected a sample of hundreds of women from 25 to 40 years old and asked them to view profiles on dating sites and videos depicting different lines of male behavior. Testing lasted three months.
As the results showed, the higher the concentration of sex hormones in the blood of women became (and we know that it changes depending on the cycle), the more boors and rude people they chose as potential life partners and fathers of children. To consolidate the result and purity of the experiment, the participants communicated with men acting out different lines of behavior. As a result, the bullies "overpowered" the good guys. Women saw in them the future fathers of their children and, moreover, they even believed that such men would change and become exemplary family men.
Testosterone levels are to blame. A woman who is at the stage of ovulation imagines that a brutal and rude man has more of this hormone than a soft and caring man. Hence the choice in favor of “bad fights”.
The researchers concluded that a girl chooses a partner not always relying on logic (even a female one). She thinks in cycles, and hormones are to blame.
Causes
Good boy syndrome develops in children raised by demanding and strict parents. Relatives value a child only when he behaves ideally: does not stomp, does not make noise, does not argue with adults. A little boy is not able to analyze such nuances, so he adapts to the family environment.
From childhood, a child learns that other people's desires and needs are more important than his own. Pleasing others is beneficial because it results in recognition. Shame is the worst punishment for a nice guy because he has realized that being himself is bad.
What does it mean to love yourself
What does it mean to love yourself? No, you don’t need to kiss the mirror for this - start respecting yourself, recognizing the importance of your needs and desires, and also appreciating yourself simply for being you. This may sound sentimental, but if you ever want to find happiness, you won't find it in someone else. Yes, it’s as simple as that: you need to look inside yourself to find it.
You have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, every day for the rest of your life. You are more important to yourself than anyone else - be it your parents, wife, boss or friends. Yes, all of these people may be extremely important to you (well, with the exception of maybe your boss) - you're just a little more important to yourself, that's all. It's time to start taking care of yourself.
It's important to remember that when you learn to love yourself, even if your heart is broken, you won't feel alone. When you love yourself, other people begin to love and respect you more, because you are a self-sufficient person, the way you want to be, and not the way others want you to be.
When you respect your own needs, desires and boundaries, you become more difficult to manipulate, and the chances of entering into another toxic relationship decrease dramatically. But it's not just about the love and respect you receive from other people. Self-love is its own reward. Imagine what it would be like to love yourself so much that it makes you smile just because you are with the most amazing person in the world. Yourself.
“But isn’t that selfish?”
Well, yes. But what's wrong with that? Loving yourself does not mean completely stopping caring for others, helping or empathizing with others - on the contrary, when you begin to value yourself, it will become much easier for you to give support to others.
Symptoms of the syndrome
The nice guy syndrome has some peculiarities. A gentle and vulnerable man, he strives to help people. He is generous with gifts for girls, seeks the approval of others in every possible way and hides his shortcomings. Such a guy will not speak out loud about his own mistakes, because then his reputation will be ruined.
A good boy will be the first to close his mouth in an argument with a woman, wanting to find peace. He pays much more attention to solving his partner’s problems, maintaining the image of a gentleman. Managing a nice guy is easy - and it becomes a real problem in a relationship.
How to love yourself: 6 tips from a psychologist
Step 1: Stop caring so much about what others think
This does not mean a complete disregard for the opinions of others, but an attempt to stop focusing on it. Stop caring so much about what other people want from you and focus on what you want.
Be true to yourself, remember your dreams and goals and start going towards them, even if they seem stupid or unimportant to others.
- FAQs How to make your dream come true: 10 steps to become your own gin Useful instructions on how to always achieve what you want most and not give up on the path to your cherished goal.
Step 2: Manage Your Expectations
Author Dan Millman once said that the formula for happiness is seeking the satisfaction of dreams, but the formula for true happiness is seeking the satisfaction of simpler desires.
If you set unrealistic goals without breaking them down into achievable chunks that you can be proud of, you'll likely start to become disillusioned with yourself and call yourself a failure. Instead, manage your expectations and be kind to yourself.
Step 3: Celebrate Every Step You Take
Another method to love yourself and stop suffering from not meeting expectations is to start enjoying every, even the smallest, victory and reward yourself for it.
Can't bring yourself to workout for an hour? Try starting with 10 or 15 minutes. Happened? Praise yourself for this. Next time you can add one more extra minute of exercise and so on until you reach the desired duration of exercise.
- Sports How to force yourself to play sports: 12 tips that will definitely help A selection of cool and useful tips that will help you develop the habit of regular exercise.
Step 4: Find time to do what you enjoy
Whether you're single or in a relationship, you have your own interests, hobbies, and activities that you enjoy doing. Having a hobby not only makes you more attractive, but also helps you enjoy your life more. When people see you having a good time, they want to join you.
Don't know what you like? Experiment and don't be afraid to try something new. You never know where this might lead. Drawing, fencing, dancing or playing a musical instrument - you will be surprised, but if you go on a search, you can not only find a new hobby, but also discover previously unknown talents.
- FAQAre you bored? 5 Coolest and Unusual Hobbies You Should Try Still not tired of watching TV series?
Step 5: Write down what you love about yourself
Write down a list of 50 things that you really love and appreciate about yourself. Please do not shirk from completing this task and try to keep the number of points at least 50. The more you write, the more you will realize how amazing a person you are.
Step 6: Take Care of Yourself
Love comes in the form of caring, and it's time to start giving it to yourself. Adjust your sleep schedule to ensure you get a good night's rest, feed yourself nutritious foods that give you energy, and remember to get plenty of exercise, rest, and fresh air.
Feeling good physically will have a positive effect on your mood and mental state, will drive away gloomy, self-deprecating thoughts, and when you look in the mirror, you will definitely catch yourself thinking how cool the guy is looking back at you.
- Author: Maria Minaeva
How to get rid of the nice guy syndrome: my recommendations
Nice guy syndrome reduces quality of life because it is not easy to get rid of as an adult. You can be content with little and agree to compromises for many years, but it is quite possible to change everything now. The best place to start is by following a daily routine, and it is also important to learn to accept risks.
Don't run from your fears. It is impossible to be a nice guy to everyone; you need to take into account your own interests and aspirations. In relationships, focus on mutual desires, rather than blindly fulfilling the requests of your other half. Give up everything that takes up your time and does not bring positive emotions.
Bad guys are not all bad
It is impossible to single out a collective type of “bad boy”, because each such man is “bad” in his own way. Some don’t miss a single skirt, some show disdain for the female sex, and some have problems with the law. But groups of bad guys can be identified.
Don Juan. He takes care of himself, his manners are impeccable. Such a man is impeccably gallant, polite and even aristocratic to some extent. But this is how he behaves not with just one woman, but with all representatives of the fair sex. And it is not always limited to flirting. Sole of company. He has many friends and acquaintances, he loves parties. He certainly knows how to surprise. It is he who will give a bouquet of a hundred roses and offer to jump with a parachute. But instead of watching a movie with a girl in the evening, he will most likely prefer going to a club with friends. Mountain of muscles. He will protect you from hooligans in a dark alley. And not in the dark. And not just in the alley. He is a regular at gyms and sports nutrition stores. But is he an interesting conversationalist? True brutal. It will also protect you from bullies. He is strong in both body and spirit. And such a man is stronger than his chosen one. He knows better who she should communicate with, how to dress and how to behave. Rock star. He does not deny himself pleasures and lives the way he wants. He has money, is shocking, and freedom-loving. He has many fans from among the girls he knows, and he can’t be jealous of them, because they are just friends. Perhaps this is what he says to all the girls who fall into his field of interest. Misogynist. He subjugates, communicates dismissively, and sometimes humiliates. Outbursts of anger can give way to passion, and then to coldness. Every day with him is a game of survival. Asocial type. Problems with alcohol, drugs, the law - this is about him (underline as appropriate). He knows how to convince and makes you believe that he can improve.
Sometimes there are individuals in whom the two described types coexist. Brutal rock stars or misogynists with mountains of muscles are not uncommon. Such images are popularized through cinema, and such men are chosen by women.
Psychologist Robert Glover, in his best-selling book The Nice Guy Syndrome, reveals the reasons for the difficulties and failures of men who remain kind and sympathetic at all times.
Do you know nice, courteous, caring, efficient men - those who are usually called nice guys? They will always come to the rescue, never refuse a favor, or raise their voice. They will do what others need, even at the expense of their own interests. It seems that women should like them - after all, they are ideal caring men, an alternative to rude, uncouth louts. But it's not that simple. The problem is that the behavior strategy that nice guys choose leads them to a crisis - they are used, they do not realize their potential and experience problems in their personal lives, they do not know how to defend their point of view, and no one respects them.
With the help of others' approval, nice guys try to solve their psychological problems.
Caring and non-confrontational, Nice Guys seem ideal, but in reality, behind the image of a nice guy are hidden unresolved psychological problems that have roots in childhood.
How do you define a nice guy?
This, for example, is the one who is called henpecked, the one who puts the interests of others first, since he considers defending his own selfish. This is a man who is afraid of conflicts and open confrontation, one who is afraid of offending or refusing and acts to please others and to the detriment of himself. The Nice Guy tends to provide unsolicited help and seems to be attracted to difficult situations where he can become a savior. But at the heart of this are selfish interests - the desire to earn love and approval. It is very important for Nice Guys to be correct in everything, they are afraid to talk about their mistakes and carefully hide their shortcomings. They generally prefer not to listen to their feelings, but to analyze them.
They can often be recognized by the fact that they prefer female society to male society; they find it easier to be with women. The reason for this in childhood is that they had a problematic relationship with their father. The father could be cold and distant or, on the contrary, rude and aggressive. This painful experience leads to the boy internally deciding to do everything so as not to become like his father.
The paradox of the nice guy phenomenon is that despite all their efforts to appear nice and caring, they feel that their efforts are never enough. But nice guys continue to believe that they need to be “good” and do things “right.” After all, in their opinion, only then will they deserve love, get everything they want, and get rid of all their problems.
Despite their best efforts to be positive, Nice Guys reach a crisis
Despite trying to be positive in every way, Nice Guys eventually hit crisis points and often seek professional help.
Why do nice guys feel bad?
One of the main reasons is that a person simply cannot feel good when his needs are not met.
The desire of nice guys to be good and be liked by everyone is essentially duplicity - they do not express their true feelings, hide mistakes, say and do only what others expect of them, for the sake of a reward - approval. When they need something from others, they will not ask for it directly because they are very afraid of rejection. Instead, they resort to manipulation. They don't talk about what worries them so as not to upset others. After all, they are afraid that others will not like their true personality. However, at the same time, they want to control others in order to reduce internal anxiety. Many may think that they are selflessly doing something for others, but this is just an illusion, as Nice Guys give something to get something in return, be it approval or a sense of self-worth. And besides, they can use their actions as a convenient way to accuse others of inattention and selfishness, because they tried so hard, but they were offended and got nothing. They may take revenge, but it won't be overt revenge, it will be revenge in the good guys way - passive aggression. So, they can deliberately be late, be sloppy, and forget about important matters.
Although Nice Guys are perceived as calm and level-headed, and may claim that they never get angry, in reality they are in turmoil and suffer from repressed rage. Acting at the expense of their needs, they feel humiliated, accumulate pain and resentment. What kind of person would not be enraged by constant humiliation? Suppressed rage does not find a way out, it accumulates and, reaching a critical level, breaks out at the most unexpected moments and in the most unpredictable way for others.
Nice guys often have problems in their sex lives. Robert Glover notes that in all his many years of experience, he has not met a single nice guy who is satisfied in this area of life. Many nice guys suffer from addictions, especially sex addiction. They use addictive behavior to relieve stress, improve mood, and suppress pain. Trying to please everyone, nice guys hide their true feelings, but contrary to their wishes, such behavior does not endear them to other people, but, on the contrary, alienates them, as people feel insincerity. Nice guys often have serious problems in their close relationships. Despite all their efforts, personal life very often becomes a source of pain and disappointment.
However, instead of solving their problems, nice guys try to take on the role of savior of other people, they are attracted to difficult situations. But you can't force anyone to change. When Nice Guys realize the futility of trying to improve another person, they blame him for being bad and incorrigible.
Although Nice Guys are often talented, smart, and educated, they rarely achieve true success and do not realize their full potential.
Nice Guy Syndrome Goes Back to Childhood
Why do nice guys, in their efforts to be nice and caring, end up ruining their lives? As Robert Glover points out, the problem is the ineffective paradigm within which the Nice Guy lives. Nice guys believe that they will only be loved if they fit a certain image that others supposedly want, and if they do, their lives will be wonderful and problem-free.
But where does this attitude come from?
Based on his experience and practice in providing professional help, Robert Glover came to the conclusion that Nice Guys behave this way because they grew up in an unsafe, uncomfortable environment as children, they did not receive the necessary support, and constantly faced reprimand, criticism, accusations and even aggression from parents. Therefore, they decided that only if they behave perfectly, hide their true personality and feelings, then this will save them from problems, criticism and pain.
Abandonment is a feeling that all nice guys know.
When a child grows up in an uncomfortable family environment, he is haunted by the main childhood fear - being abandoned.
Due to the self-centeredness inherent in all children, a boy who feels abandoned concludes that he himself is the reason for this. And when he is scolded for something, he develops a feeling of poisonous shame - he begins to believe that he is bad and unworthy of love and care.
In order to survive in an uncomfortable environment where the child does not feel loved and accepted, the boy begins to use psychological defense, which shapes his future character. Seeming to be a problem-free and good boy is this psychological defense with which the child tries to cope with pain, shame, fear of parental anger and punishment.
It turns out that a helpless child growing up in an uncomfortable family environment sees that his needs are not satisfied quickly and properly. This makes him feel abandoned. But for this, due to childish naivety and self-centeredness, he blames himself, believing that he is the bad one. And he invents psychological survival mechanisms for himself to protect himself from feelings of abandonment and as a way to hide his imperfections - he trains himself to be a nice guy.
Failure to make your needs explicit and understand is the main problem of nice guys.
Nice Guys grow up in challenging environments in which their needs are not met. And when a child’s needs are not met quickly enough and in the right way, he begins to believe that his needs are the root of evil - this is why he is not loved. That is why he begins to hide his needs. And over time, this carries over into adulthood.
Nice guys try to pretend that they don't want or need anything. They convince others of this and begin to believe it themselves.
Nice guys may even stop others from doing things for them and resist participation. They absolutely do not know how to accept someone else's care and are very afraid of getting what they really want. Therefore, nice guys can unconsciously push away people who are attracted to them and do everything that will interfere with getting what they want.
But the problem is that a person cannot live without satisfying his needs.
Nice Guys find it difficult to be direct about their needs, but they can't live without them. The situation seems insurmountable, but the nice guys find a way out through hidden manipulations and unspoken agreements. By doing something for another, a nice guy expects a certain action in return, but at the same time, such an exchange will in no way be the subject of discussion - everything happens in a hidden, veiled form. Almost all the actions of nice guys are manifestations of such hidden expectations.
Nice guys tend to be protective of other people. But their guardianship contains the same hidden meaning. Essentially, nurturing for Nice Guys is a way to get one's needs met by nurturing others. So, a nice guy can recommend to another person to go on a trip or go for a massage, he can give him a gift, but he will never allow himself to do this. Nice guys get their needs met through others. As the author notes, nurturing is an immature way of satisfying needs and is not love, as Nice Guys themselves believe. In fact, guardianship in this case is a hidden benefit.
Nice guys don't give selflessly. They don't ask for anything in return, but that doesn't mean they don't expect anything in return. If a nice guy does not get what he expects in return, then he feels disappointment and accumulates resentment, which over time develops into aggression, fits of rage, passive-aggressive behavior, criticism, accusations, isolation. And so again and again - the nice guy gives - does not receive in return what he expects - feels disappointed and angry.
Nice Guys Give Up Masculinity
Robert Glover notes that men born in the post-war era were unfortunate in that they grew up in an era in which being a man was not as good as it once was. Many boys did not have an example of correct male behavior before their eyes; they were raised by women who usually approve of completely different qualities in children than men. The child begins to seek the mother's approval, adapting to her expectations. Future nice guys begin to believe that they need to avoid the negative masculine qualities of their “bad” fathers and the men around them and become what women want them to be. As a result, with each new generation, men become more and more passive. Many nice guys feel uncomfortable in the company of other men.
One reason is their belief that they are different. But this is a distorted idea caused by not wanting to be like a bad father. Nice guys convince themselves that they are different from other men by not arguing, not fighting, being considerate of women's wishes, and being good fathers and lovers.
One of the obvious consequences of this approach is the loss of the main role by men in the family. Nice guys mistakenly believe that by adapting to the desires of their companions, they will differ for the better from their authoritarian or cold fathers, but in the end it turns out that all the worries about the family fall on women's shoulders, which over time leads to conflicts and tension within the family . In fact, trying to please a woman in everything and earn her approval, a nice guy achieves the opposite - in the woman’s eyes he becomes a weakling, loses her respect, and she is disappointed in him.
Another distinguishing feature of Nice Guys is their strong and long-lasting bond with their mother. This often affects relationships with women who feel that their man is not completely available to them.
You can stop being a nice guy by learning to be yourself
To recover from Nice Guy Syndrome, you need to understand your personality, with all its flaws and advantages. It is also important to enlist the support of trustworthy people who will help in the process of personality restructuring. A radical change in attitudes and behavior is needed, as partial changes will only lead to more suffering.
The cure for Nice Guy Syndrome is to overcome the addiction of self-sacrifice. You need to learn to put your needs first. Nice guys have a special relationship with needs - they are afraid to talk about them and from childhood they get used to thinking that having needs is bad. But you need to overcome this attitude, as it interferes with a full life. Robert Glover describes a number of techniques that can help overcome Nice Guy Syndrome. What they all boil down to is the understanding that when a nice guy tries to please others, he is not actually pleasing anyone. Therefore, he needs to shift his guidelines and learn to please himself first.
Curing Nice Guy Syndrome begins with changing your core psychological attitudes. Nice guys are dependent on other people's opinions and approval, which leads to internal discord, so they need to shift their focus and learn to listen to themselves first. The paradox is that when nice guys start paying more attention to themselves, it becomes easier for them to get closer to others and get exactly what they always wanted. They need to learn to take care of themselves, understand their motives, listen to themselves, learn to open up to other people who treat them well.
To put it simply, nice guys need to learn to be themselves. Learn to notice when their actions are sincere and when they are just a way to “buy” the approval of others.
Self-care is needed to change your opinion about your personality. If an internally nice guy believes that he is bad, then his actions towards himself will reflect this belief. When a nice guy begins to take care of himself, it is internally equivalent to realizing that he deserves to be treated well. Self-care can be expressed in exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, rest, therapy, etc. Perhaps, finally starting to do something for himself, a nice guy will not feel very comfortable. But over time, children’s destructive attitudes will be replaced, the author is convinced.
Another way to help overcome Nice Guy Syndrome is to repeat positive statements. Many people have a prejudice against affirmations, but they should not be underestimated, as they promote self-acceptance. Of course, they have a short-lived effect, so they need to be combined with other actions.
An important element in overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome is the need to be alone. Being alone with himself, a nice guy will be able to better understand himself, understand his thoughts, feelings and motives. Loneliness is the Nice Guy's main fear, so he needs to experience first-hand that loneliness is not as scary as he thinks.
Over time, as Nice Guys begin to understand the toxic effects of shame and learn to approve of themselves, they will realize that they do not need the approval of others. They will understand that all people make mistakes and we are all imperfect.
The inner fear that Nice Guys have is that their basic needs were not adequately met as children. They have grown up, but the world is still full of dangers for them, so they try to act as carefully as possible, but this makes them suffer. Nice Guys need to face their fears and make sure they can handle whatever life throws at them.
Nice guys don't know how to set boundaries and allow other people to go too far. They need to understand that when someone rudely invades their territory, it is their problem and they need to solve it. They must learn to protect themselves, not allow themselves to be mistreated, and say no when the requests of others are contrary to their interests.
Nice guys need to communicate with other men, they need to find and follow examples of healthy models of male behavior, rethink their relationship with their father, accept him for who he is - not exalting him, but not belittling him either.
Nice guys often fail to realize their potential due to the misconception that they have to do everything alone and their inability to ask for help. How can I change this?
To start, Robert Glover recommends identifying those you can rely on. Then think about what other helpers you need, how to make help more effective, and how you yourself prevent people from helping you.
To practice new skills, deliberately put yourself in situations in which you could ask for help and make new acquaintances.
Robert Glover encourages nice guys to realize that the only thing stopping them from achieving what they want in life and making their dreams come true is themselves.
Nice Guys Need to Open Up to Have Intimate Relationships
Finding true love is difficult for Nice Guys because of toxic shame, a tendency to get into trouble, avoid problems, recreate childhood destructive patterns, and want to be faithful to one's mother.
Nice guys avoid real intimacy because it requires them to be open, which means they have to let the other person see all their weaknesses and imperfections. This is very difficult for them, since nice guys have been accustomed to pretending to be another person all their lives.
Fear of opening up makes relationships difficult—nice guys fear their partners will get too close and see them as bad. And because of this, they will abandon you or be bullied. But loneliness also frightens them very much, so in personal relationships they choose one of two paths - either they completely dissolve in their partner, or they become emotionally closed to her, while portraying a nice guy to others. Both types of behavior interfere with close relationships.
Nice guys are also bad at breaking up—they spend too much time in failed relationships, making it difficult for them to achieve love.
Nice Guys need to learn to open up to trustworthy people, take responsibility for meeting their needs, develop integrity in their personality, express their feelings and emotions, and embrace their masculinity.
Sexual problems are very common among nice guys. This can manifest itself either in a weak interest in sex and sexual dysfunctions, or in obsessive addictions and a hidden sexual life.
The reasons for the sexual problems of nice guys can be different - childhood traumas, guilt, shame, memories of failures. They try to be perfect lovers, but this creates internal tension, which interferes with intimate relationships, as they cannot relax.
The author advises nice guys to stop trying to be perfect lovers and learn to talk about what they want and not settle for unsatisfactory sexual relationships. In the case of sexual addiction, Robert Glover suggests introducing a temporary moratorium on sex - consciously abstaining from it. This is necessary in order to stop destructive cycles of behavior. Temporary abstinence will help you let go of resentment, overcome addiction, and pay attention to your sexual impulses and feelings. A nice guy needs to feel that he can live without sex and that he is the master of his own happiness.
Dear men, nice guys, worthy of respect and a happy life, take consultations on Skype, it’s convenient, comfortable, absolutely confidential. Using modern techniques from many areas of psychology, which I have studied for 10 years, you will be able to receive high-quality therapy for childhood trauma, resolve difficult family situations, improve relationships, create a healthy family, and raise happy children.
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