How to overcome communication problems and what causes them

Man is a social being; it is impossible for him to live and develop normally without communication. But, even knowing how to speak competently and speaking more than one language, many experience difficulties when it comes to establishing communication with other people. Communication problems arise in different situations. Some people find it easier to write SMS messages than to communicate in person. Others hate texting and always choose to talk one-on-one or over the phone. For some, it takes several hours to have a conversation, while for others, it’s scary to even just address a stranger.

Everyone's communication difficulties are different. But almost always their cause does not lie on the surface; it should be sought in the events of early childhood. And having realized, try to see the opportunities that communication provides.

What is communication?

The term “communication” refers to a connection that contributes to the formation of psychological contact between people. Its manifestation is understanding, experiencing, exchange of thoughts and information, emotions, ideas.

Psychologists identify three important aspects of communication between people:

A goal that forces you to establish contact and convey information. During communication, animals transmit signals of danger and try to attract a sexual partner. Their goal is to satisfy a biological need. In people, communications (cultural, cognitive, aesthetic, creative) become a prerequisite for personal development.
The content of the data that is transmitted during communication. In animals, this is most often information about where food can be found. People's conversations touch on different topics. Communication often becomes a way to convey experiences and feelings.
Communication means. Human communication is not limited only to words and written language. Non-verbal methods of communication are smells, touches, facial expressions.

It would seem that communication should not be difficult for those who speak. And non-speaking people have their own sign language that helps them communicate. But difficulties in communication often create a lot of difficulties. Depending on the situation, they affect different aspects:

communicative (interaction at different levels between people) - from personal communication to public communication;
cognitive - it is difficult to understand information;
informational - the data exchange process is disrupted;
creative - difficulties are created with the formation and development of new connections;
conative - roles in relation to each other are violated.

Attention! Very often, communication problems lead to a breakdown in emotional contact.

The essence of difficult communication

Definition 1
Difficult communication is all types and forms of communication that lead to destructive changes in the behavior of partners.

The problem of difficult communication today is quite actively discussed in Russian psychology. Existing models of optimal communication most likely resemble a list of requirements for the personality qualities of the subject of communication, for his skills and abilities.

An indicator of difficult communication is non-compliance with the specified parameters. This approach is most widespread in applied areas of psychology - the psychology of pedagogical communication, management interaction; specialists in these areas must possess the skills of effective optimal communication.

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The classification of communication difficulties is based on their assessment, which can be used to determine situations of difficult communication - from mild failures to the level of conflict, leading to the severance of all relationships between partners.

The literature on this issue allows us to conclude that this term is used in both a broad and narrow sense. In a broad sense, it unites such phenomena as conflicts, barriers, difficulties, difficulties, failures, obstacles, obstacles. In a narrow sense, it captures minor, easily overcome communication difficulties without destructive consequences.

A number of experts believe that difficult communication is a global, integral phenomenon.

According to V.N. Kunitsina, the phenomenon of difficult communication is a phenomenon presented in the consciousness and experience of partners. If we talk about the causes of difficulties in communication, then experts put the state of tension, anxiety, emotional distress, discomfort, etc. in the first place.

Difficult communication is considered on several levels:

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as a socio-psychological phenomenon that manifests itself during interaction and social communication;
as an objective phenomenon, manifested in a discrepancy between the goal and the chosen model of communication;
as a subjective phenomenon that manifests itself in various human experiences, for example, unmet needs, intrapersonal conflicts, etc.

Picture 1.

There are several classifications of difficulties that arise in communication:

objective and subjective difficulties,
primary (natural living conditions, history of group formation) and secondary difficulties (generated by psychogenic and sociogenic influences, conscious, i.e. actually present in the process of communication and unconscious, they are presented in the consciousness of the individual, but do not really exist),
situational or persistent difficulties,
intercultural and culture-specific,
individual psychological, socio-psychological difficulties.

In addition, there are cognitive-emotional, motivational, instrumental, verbal and non-verbal, as well as social-perceptual, communicative, and interactive difficulties.

Note 1

Thus, difficult communication is a socio-psychological phenomenon that reflects a wide range of phenomena of ineffective communication.

Who has communication difficulties?

Communication difficulties are comparable to barriers to productive interaction that is beneficial for all participants. Barriers arise in people who have special personal characteristics:

closed, quarrelsome character;
disrespect for the interlocutor;
insufficient interest (or lack thereof) in the position of the interlocutor;
a tendency to be rude;
inability to clearly formulate one’s own position.

Often, communication problems arise among those who use belittling-resistant and defensive-aggressive forms of behavior.

Such strategies lead to the fact that communication does not give the desired result or “slipping” occurs. The interlocutors experience a whole range of unpleasant emotions - disappointment, annoyance, irritation, anger.

Difficulty communicating and personality

For an individual, there is a certain freedom to choose situations and the direction of activity to participate in them. A person can choose any direction of activity, while he can refuse other directions. By choosing his direction, the individual influences the emergence of specific situations of social practice. Therefore, studying the influence of communication, both on personality and personality on communication, is important.

This approach is especially needed in the psychology of difficult communication. In the social psychology of difficult and unimpaired communication, socio-psychological and psychological characteristics of the individual are used - these are the orientation, attitudes, system of relationships of the individual, value orientations, interaction strategies, role and status positions of the individual, skills and abilities in the field of communication, compliance of its behavior with sociocultural and moral -ethical standards.

Analyzing the socio-psychological characteristics of the subject of difficult and unimpaired communication, we can say the following:

The subject of difficult communication is an individual whose transformative activity is aimed at frustrating social needs. It is characterized by a distortion of understanding of oneself and another, a refusal to reflect, a shift in relationships and attitudes, inadequate emotional reactions, and a low level of empathy. The consequences are disruption, friction, conflict;
An individual who acts as a subject of easy communication has sufficiently developed social abilities and positive personal qualities. Characteristic of it are reflection of one’s own ideas, a shift in attitudes, attitudes, and value orientations towards a personal, subjective attitude towards oneself and towards others, and a high level of empathy. The result of unimpeded communication is interaction, agreement, cooperation, collaboration.

To study situations of difficult interaction, the most adequate approach is designated as “person in a situation” - it makes it possible to fully reflect the characteristics that are essential for situations of difficult interaction:

the existence of a barrier to achieving partners’ goals;
increase in neuropsychic tension;
demonstration of misunderstanding;
failures in interaction, i.e. in the interaction of people using verbal and non-verbal means.

There are a lot of options for subjects of difficult communication, but despite this, their common feature is disharmony of the inner world, which manifests itself in a mismatch of motives, relationships, established images and expectations.

Note 2

A collective portrait of such a subject, compiled on the basis of basic characteristics, is a contradictory subject, with constant internal conflicts, anxious or, conversely, self-sufficient, aggressive, striving for personal superiority in everything.

Causes of communication problems

Psychologists divide the causes of communication barriers into two groups. The first cluster is based on incorrect perception of information. It appears in the background:

discrepancies in the views of the interlocutors;
conflict of interest;
inconsistencies in life experiences;
different emotional mood;
personal hostility.

The other group is associated with inability to hear and poor feedback. Both of these factors cause a misunderstanding of what the other side wants to convey. Difficulties arise when interlocutors:

misinterpret information;
do not know the language of the interlocutor, do not know special terminology;
misinterpret non-verbal information (facial expressions, gestures, postures).

Finding himself in situations where communication is impossible or is too difficult, a person begins to view himself as inept, unable to communicate. This further perpetuates self-doubt and contributes to the formation of psychological defense. For example, some try to avoid situations where intensive personal communication is required, replacing it with online correspondence and chats. Others try to overcome their fear of socializing through alcohol in an attempt to relax.

How to overcome communication problems

You can get rid of problems, learn to communicate easily, and get pleasure from it. To do this, you should listen to the advice of a psychologist.

Always talk about yourself, not the other person. “It hurts me” instead of “you’re evil”, “I don’t like it” instead of “what kind of nonsense are you offering me.” When talking about yourself, you keep an open position, inviting your interlocutor to dialogue. When you focus on someone else, you try to attack or blame. And an attack always provokes a desire to respond with a blow.
Examine your weak points. For example, sensitivity to criticism. If you want to hide in a corner and become invisible when you hear criticism directed at you, you perceive it as rejection. In response, there is a desire to stop contact and run away. In fact, the interlocutor did not necessarily want to offend. But this is often how criticism is perceived by the psyche. To understand what is behind criticism, it is important to understand (it is best to ask directly) why a person criticizes, what he wants to convey with his message. Think about whether there is a rational grain in his words or whether it is missing. Then innocent statements will not cause the destruction of contacts, and you will be able to immediately recognize and block insults expressed under the guise of criticism, attempts to blame or instill a feeling of guilt.
Be clear about why you are saying something. Everything that is voiced is said for a specific purpose. Even the chatter of two girlfriends about dresses, children or new recipes is intended to obtain advice or emotional support. When expressing an grievance or a claim, you need to understand what you want to achieve from your interlocutor. The communication option, when information is poured out on another simply because it hurts, you want to drain the accumulated negativity, is not environmentally friendly. It is a manifestation of emotional promiscuity and leads to the destruction of trust.
Make your messages as clear as possible. You shouldn’t tell your friend: “Is it okay that you haven’t called me for two weeks?” This is a variant of manipulation; it provokes tension and ambiguity. Much more effective, and most importantly safe for friendship, is a statement structured differently: “We haven’t talked on the phone for two weeks. I miss you. Can meet?" Such a message conveys respect and trust. There is no need to speak clearly.
Remember - no one can read minds. Therefore, you should not hope that your partner will guess your wishes and understand the reason for the offense. The “you have to figure it out yourself” option is the most ineffective.
Listen to your feelings. It is important not to ignore what is happening at a particular moment. Anger is a signal of a violation of your boundaries, values, or safety. Anger gives you the energy to act actively. Envy is a sign that you have an unmet need. Don't be afraid to look at your feelings honestly and acknowledge them, no matter how ugly they may seem. Relying on feelings makes it possible to create relationships filled with satisfaction and joy.
Ask. If you think you can guess what the other person is thinking, ask. Don't speculate. Most likely, they are completely wrong.
Don't be afraid to conflict. It is to conflict, not to quarrel. In deep relationships, controversial situations always arise that require clarification of the opinions and positions of both parties. This is normal and necessary to move to the next level. Quality conflict is expressing and listening to opinions without insults or raising your voice. It leads to compromise and builds trust.

Do not despair if you cannot immediately change your behavior style and completely get rid of communication problems. Remember that change takes skill training and time.

Irina Sherbul