Growing up is the most difficult period in the life of a child who has suddenly transformed into a teenager and for this reason may be confused. He has not yet adapted to his new self. Parents are often no less stressed because of this. But they are able to cope with their problems and at the same time help the child survive the age crisis.
In this article we will look at the main problems of adolescence, their causes and possible solutions. Let's discuss how parents should behave with a difficult teenager, and why all teenagers are problematic at their age.
Problem 1. A deceptive sense of independence and adulthood
As a rule, adolescence begins with the teenager’s declaration that he is an adult and is now able to decide everything for himself. Everything about homework, which you can now do or not do, late walks with friends, as well as shopping, which does not necessarily need to be agreed upon with your parents.
The arguments of adults that they provide all the material resources, and the same pocket expenses, not to mention the food in the refrigerator, do not reach the child. He grew up, realized this and naively thinks that he has become independent.
Reason: a complete lack of life experience in a barely mature teenager.
The problems of modern youth lie in the uncontrolled consumption of a huge amount of available “adult” information, which no one is able to analyze and correctly evaluate without the help of an experienced mentor.
With questions like “what is good?” today no one has to go to mom or dad. The answers are widely presented on the World Wide Web.
What to do: it is important for parents not to let things take their course, giving their children absolute freedom. They may learn something from their mistakes, but it is better to warn them against these mistakes in a timely manner.
Overprotection and total control are also unacceptable in this case. You need to act very unobtrusively, showing sincere interest in the teenager’s activities, hobbies and experiences, taking into account his opinion and showing your love.
You should not condemn his actions and evaluate them by criticizing them. And most importantly: parents and children must be able to listen to each other - it is this skill that underlies mutual understanding.
Ways to resolve psychological problems of modern teenagers
If we think based on the main groups of the main problems of adolescents listed above, we can see the following methods of working with them:
- Education. Parents should communicate with their children on the topic of sex in accessible language, but without unnecessary details. Focus on contraception, the consequences of early sexual intercourse, and your own first experience, if it is positive. The conversation should not be in the form of moralizing, but in the form of a friendly conversation. Better - with a parent of the same sex. Communication on this topic should be honest, it is advisable to try to answer all the questions that arise in a growing child. There is nothing shameful in these conversations; it will be worse if the child learns about everything in a distorted form from peers, or due to lack of information, becomes infected with an unpleasant disease or participates in the conception of the child.
- In case of destructive behavior, which consists of criminal actions or bad habits, it is important to establish psychological contact with the child in a timely manner, find the right words for him and direct his need for self-realization in a more peaceful direction: sports, art, creativity. If parents feel that they can no longer influence the situation on their own, then they should turn to specialists - psychologists and psychotherapists.
- To reduce the risk of a child falling into “bad” company, it is important to maintain an emotional connection with him, constantly talk to him about topics that interest him, demonstrate your love, but try to unobtrusively keep his behavior in a positive direction, and gently communicate the unacceptability of deviant behavior in society.
- The tendency to depression is usually caused by a predisposition of the nervous system to this, but aggravation occurs against the background of misunderstanding and non-acceptance of the teenager by adults. If you experience signs of depression: apathy, constant sadness, a decrease in the number of contacts, thoughts about your insignificance, it is important to understand the reasons in time and try to eliminate them together. If the situation gets out of control, you should contact a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Problem 2. Irritability
Increased nervousness is a very noticeable feature of adolescence. This gives rise to many conflicts. Any prohibitions and misunderstandings on the part of parents are met with hostility. A teenager in a state of irritation may show aggression, say something rude, or throw an object at the wall.
The reason: this behavior is based on rapid physiological changes and hormonal surges. The nervous system takes some time to adapt to the new functions of a maturing body.
In addition, not all teenagers strive for independence; for some, this new responsibility seriously frightens them, makes them nervous and snaps.
What to do: the first thing adults need to do is not to get irritated in response, that is, not to become a negative example.
The second is to discuss the problem, in this case irritability, after the attack has passed and all family members have calmed down.
And third, explain that rude behavior can only cause pain, offend, and seriously ruin relationships with loved ones.
Yes, an irritated child will get rid of his negative emotions, but he is unlikely to experience relief, thus provoking a conflict.
Types of difficult teenagers
Troubled teenagers are different from each other.
Let's look at their types:
- Cynics , who have a conscious violation of social norms. They are sure that everyone wants to do as they do, and only cowardice fetters them in their actions.
- Conformists who go into conflict under the influence of an asocial company. Mostly these actions are random, dictated by imitation of the “idol”. It is observed in difficult teenagers who are highly dependent on the opinions of others. They often become hostages of the situation.
- Hesitant . It is difficult for them to resist temptations. They want to immediately satisfy spontaneously arising needs. In this case, violation of norms entails repentance.
- Affective teenagers , characterized by increased sensitivity and rather large claims. It often seems to them that they are suffering unfair treatment and are striving for protest and revenge. Among the category, there are often demonstrative suicides.
Problem 3. Closedness
Starting to grow up, yesterday's child often becomes secretive. He has new needs, which he prefers to keep silent about. He is more and more interested in virtual communication and less and less in real communication, with parents and even classmates.
He finds new invisible “online” friends with whom he can feel free to discuss the most intimate issues. After all, during a conversation he does not have to look someone in the eyes.
Reason: The need for anonymous communication most often arises from the fear of being criticized, humiliated and ridiculed.
What to do: despite the child’s desire to spend all the time alone, parents should not provide him with such an opportunity. It is necessary to carefully offer him options for spending time together - cycling, going to the cinema or playing sports together.
There is one trick that parents can adopt - in a family where there is more than one child, you can entrust the role of negotiator to the older brother or sister, whom the teenager most likely trusts more.
Problem 4. Gadget addiction
The picture when not a single meal is passed without a mobile device, and the smartphone is used even at night, reducing the duration of “children’s” sleep, is familiar to literally all parents. Attempts to take away gadgets lead to serious conflicts.
The reason: lies in the huge number of functions of the gadgets that they have.
Teenagers are very active and curious individuals. They absorb tons of new information, because every day they have hundreds of questions related to their rapid growth.
In addition, they need to discuss everything important and observe the lives of their peers and their idols on social networks. An exciting and dynamic modern life is simply unthinkable without technical innovations.
What to do: It is important for parents to take into account that the problems of teenage children often originate in their family relationships. If an adult does not part with a smartphone or tablet, even when going to the shower, he is not setting the best example.
A way out of the situation of addiction must be sought together, spending more time on real communication, walks and active recreation.
Problem 5: Trying to prove your worth
Wanting to act independently, the teenager begins to refuse to fulfill requests, much less demands, or acts in defiance.
Reason: this behavior is most often provoked by the imposition of excessive demands on the child from others. By going against the rules, the teenager tries to prove his worth.
What to do: To avoid conflicts, parents should not put pressure on their child. In a situation of protest and disobedience, you need to listen to the opinion and reasoning of the teenager, allow him to express his thoughts.
By the way, among peers this mechanism works in a similar way - for some reason it is forgotten that teenagers are also demanding of their friends. It is important for both sides to learn to listen to each other and show respect.
Problem 6. Unrequited love
This feeling provokes apathy or serious resentment, which a teenager in love projects onto everyone around him, with the exception of the object of love, which can ultimately result in depression.
Reason: romantic age, desire to love and be loved.
What to do: The psychology of adolescence is too deep, but parents often make serious errors in their value judgments, omitting comments like: “how many more of them will you have?”
Such advice and encouragement only aggravate the situation - a child who has fallen in unrequited love for the first time becomes very vulnerable, experiencing moral suffering of such strength that it even has physiological manifestations.
Adults who are definitely aware of what emotions the unhappy child in love is currently experiencing should offer their unobtrusive support. Recommend reading articles or several posts on social networks on a suitable topic, reading blogs and public diaries of peers, watching a film about unrequited love.
It is also important to prevent a teenager from lowering his self-esteem during a period of unrequited love. It is necessary to support him, convincing him that he is not bad, just that the object of adoration is not yet ripe for high feelings.
Peculiarities of behavior of difficult teenagers
So, how can you tell if there is a difficult teenager in the family? It has been observed that children who have behavioral problems from birth to age 11 continue into adolescence. This is unlikely to surprise parents, since they have been experiencing various surges for many years.
Of course, it is not always the parents who are to blame for this crisis. This does not change the fact that they will have to make an effort to help a difficult teenager. In modern society, their number is constantly growing.
Anyone who has interacted with a difficult teenager or been one himself knows what behavioral characteristics such children have. It seems as if they are trying to contain the rage in their souls, which still breaks out. When does a difficult teenager show the greatest outburst of negativity?
To understand this, consider its characteristic features:
- reacts negatively to someone's desire to help;
- has a negative attitude towards touching;
- reluctant to make eye contact;
- treats others with distrust;
- has problems with studying and eating.
Often a difficult teenager needs professional help, and the family should not be ashamed to seek it. This is the right decision and prevents a lot of trouble. How to determine whether a teenager is difficult or not?
There are simple ways:
- Seek advice from a professional (pediatrician or child psychologist). Find a specialist you trust.
- Seek the opinion of an outsider who has no bias or interest in this issue and who has experience raising a teenager.
Problem 7. Relationships with parents
Adolescence is a challenge for all family members. Yesterday's children, who considered all the information received from their parents to be the truth, begin to doubt the correctness of their permanent mentors. On this basis, misunderstandings may arise, and, as a result, quarrels and resentment towards each other.
The reason for changes in relationships is due to the fact that children change a lot, grow up and need to move to a new level of communication with their parents.
It is important to understand here that a teenager, unlike a child, needs personal space much more.
What to do: you should not approach a teenager with instructions and you should not unceremoniously interfere in his life. Instead, you need to try to understand and, if possible, share his interests with the boy.
An adult should learn to ask the right questions and give discreet recommendations that will not be received with hostility.
For example, if a teenager’s clothing does not comply with the rules required at school, the father or mother should not force his child to change clothes immediately, but rather praise his trendy look, but ask him to change it to a more suitable suit for school.
Don't judge
Of course, depending on his interests, you can lead the discussion to a hobby that interests him, and it would be a good idea to read something on the topic beforehand. Also, try to listen without judging, without immediately offering a solution, and without trying to impress him with extensive knowledge, because in any case, the teenager will already consider you a little outdated.
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So, no matter what you think, if you decide to ask a question, you run the risk of getting answers that don't suit you. Just try to find out more details and maybe even ask your teen what possible solution they see in this. This will be enough and he will appreciate your availability, so there is a good chance he will ask for your advice when life throws a curveball at him.
Otherwise, there is a risk that your child will shut down and you will know nothing about his life. The goal is not to investigate and immediately punish when you find something questionable, but to maintain a relationship with your teen so that he has the courage to ask for your help when he needs it.
Problem 8. Changes in appearance
When boys' voices break, their limbs lengthen, and girls' shapes gradually and not quite evenly round out, and all this is accompanied by acne, few people manage to avoid the feeling of their own inferiority.
Everything is greatly aggravated by the fact that among peers, some mature earlier and others later. Comparing appearances to a disadvantage gives rise to a huge number of complexes.
Reason: individual physiology, characteristics of the body.
What to do: the arguments of parents who consider their offspring the most beautiful do not work here. Of course, adults can show their photographs and talk about how they managed to cope with similar experiences, grow up and even forget about the problems of those years.
But the main thing is to assure your child that everything that is happening now with his body and appearance is normal, and he can always get detailed advice from his mother or father.
It is best to adapt to the period of puberty together - a child who is experiencing serious mental, emotional and physical shocks needs support and a deep understanding of the situation from the parents. Adults do not need to be afraid of this time.
Perhaps a psychologist will be a more competent mentor for a teenager at some point. And this does not mean that the parents failed. This just means that the parents are doing everything right and are trying very hard to support their rebellious teenager.
How to survive adolescence with a difficult teenager: advice from a psychologist
PERIOD OF STORM AND DRUG
— Tatyana Romanovna, what changes happen to a child during adolescence?
— Adolescence is a difficult time for both children and their parents. The mood and behavior of a teenager often changes; he is sometimes excited, sometimes apathetic, sometimes open, sometimes closed. A teenager is trying to get used to the turbulent world of relationships outside the family. He needs to feel that his parents support him. If there is no acceptance and a sense of security, then the result can be aggression directed towards oneself or outward.
Adolescence is often called adolescence, transition, the period of “sturm and stress”, “hormonal explosion” and puberty (from the Latin Pubertas - puberty). Difficult times. There is a transition from a child to an adult in all spheres: physical, physiological, personal (moral, mental, social).
— Can parents notice that something wrong is happening to their child?
- At this age, children rarely open up to their parents. So even if something happens to a child, adults see the now familiar picture: their son or daughter is in a bad mood, locks himself in his room, and when asked, answers: “Everything is fine, leave me alone.” It is important not to miss the moment if a teenager turns from an ordinary adult into a “difficult” one.
During the period of personality formation, a radical change in behavior, previous interests, and relationships occurs. Changes are fast, violent, spasmodic. This causes strong feelings that the teenager cannot explain. Much is unclear in the adult world. How to fit into it? Leo Tolstoy described these tossing as “the deserts of adolescence”; their essence is in enormous energy, rushing out to declare itself.
APPLE FROM APPLE TREE?
— Many parents worry: “We raised the child wrong if now he behaves this way!” We are bad parents! How should they be?
— For a child, parents are the most important and important people. The personal example of mom and dad influences children more than anything else. Lacking his own experience and knowledge, the child copies adults. The child sees how attentively and respectfully parents treat each other and how they solve problems.
Remember yourself in adolescence, and it will be easier to understand your son or daughter. Joint work, leisure, and hobbies with parents help the child develop responsibility, independence, and attentiveness. Adults must show the teenager that his opinion matters, that he is taken into account.
The teenager's relationship with his parents is being restructured. Teenagers often criticize their parents' lifestyle, their attitudes, and values. It becomes more and more difficult to communicate with the child, conflicts arise. A teenager is guided by adults who are authoritative for him, but his ideal is not always his father or mother.
— How to react correctly if parents catch a child with a cigarette or find out that he is using drugs?
— The first rule: behave with dignity. Despite everything. You are an adult and have no right to panic and hysteria. There is no need to scream, demonstratively drink Valocordin and grab your belt. First, understand the situation. Sometimes there are cases when a child is forced by his peers to use psychoactive substances (PAS) - perhaps he was threatened or beaten.
It is very important to maintain trust. If you are hysterical, the child will simply withdraw into himself and push you away. Find strength within yourself and try to become an ally, not an enemy.
Next: stop blaming yourself for everything. Your child is already quite an adult and the use of prohibited substances is his choice and responsibility. Out of his own stupidity and arrogance, he began to use surfactants, knowing about the harm.
Limit financial support. The child must understand that your money is not his money. Never give in to blackmail or manipulation from a child. Don't be boring. Endless conversations, accusations, and moralizing conversations are absolutely useless and can only give the opposite effect. Any, even negative, talk about drugs evokes memories of them.
Don't overuse threats. If you promise something, do it. Don't make unnecessary threats. The child is well aware that you will not carry out many of your threats and lets them fall on deaf ears.
Allow your child to stop using substances on their own. And if he makes up his mind, support him and find a qualified specialist.
— How can parents cope with adolescence?
— Some important tips that can really help:
- Don't spoil your child.
- Don't be afraid to be firm.
- Be consistent.
- Don't make promises you can't keep.
- Don't give in to provocations.
- Don't be offended when your child says he hates you.
- Don't make your child feel younger than he really is.
- Do not correct your child in the presence of strangers.
- Don't read the notations.
- Don't try to pretend to be ideal parents, be yourself and try to become better.
- The most important thing is to love your child, no matter what. Be a true friend to him.
“A LOT DEPENDS ON THE ATTITUDES IN THE FAMILY”
— How do you assess the harm to teenagers from negativity in the media, social networks, films, and aggressive computer games?
— To draw a direct connection between any cultural phenomenon and a child’s behavior means greatly simplifying the matter. A child is influenced by many factors: family, school, friends and parents, random conversations around him, his observations. Different people react to the same TV program in completely different ways. Much depends on what values he learned in early childhood - first of all, from his parents.
— Should we be wary of destructive teenage groups on social networks?
— Modern children live on the Internet. The format of virtual communication is more familiar to many than face-to-face conversation. The problem of destructive groups on social networks is very real. Such communities are popular because teenagers look to them to satisfy their interests. Anything that smells of mystery and threat attracts teenagers. Often children hang out in these groups due to lack of attention from their parents.
Many mothers and fathers think that they work, provide for their family, and that devoting time to their child is not necessary. As a result, children are looking for ways to have fun online.
Parents need to monitor what their children are looking for on the Internet and what online communities they visit. But the main thing is to spend more time with the child, organize interesting leisure time together. Try to understand him, be able to listen, and be sincerely interested in his life.
— How can parents cope with adolescence? How can psychologists help here?
— The teenage period can be called the second birth of the personality, when a tendency toward independence, introspection, a desire for communication, and self-education appears.
These are positive characteristics of overcoming the teenage crisis. Social rehabilitation psychologists provide psychological, preventive, career guidance and correctional assistance to adolescents. We provide advice on how to improve relationships with your family. This is a lot of work to develop tolerance, find common ground, mutual understanding with parents, get rid of excessive guardianship or, conversely, connivance, inflated demands and expectations. For reference, the State Budgetary Institution SRC “Vozrozhdenie” is the only institution in Moscow that specializes in rehabilitation and preventive care for minors and their families who find themselves in difficult life situations due to the use of narcotic drugs or psychotropic substances without a doctor’s prescription, or who use intoxicants or alcohol. In addition, since 2018, the Center’s psychologists have been working with minors who have had a conflict with the law.
