If in heaven there is only talk about the sea, as the heroes of the film “Knocking on Heaven's Door” claim, then on earth there is talk only about love. You probably have to be very original not to write about this on the eve of Valentine's Day. Let's talk about love and passion! For many people, these two concepts are identical, they are periodically confused, but from the point of view of psychological health and healthy relationships, this is fraught with problems. This endless confusion occurs because often these two feelings occur in parallel.
If we now try to define “love,” we will have to publish a multi-volume book with hundreds of thousands of words of text, and add terabytes of video and audio materials. Therefore, let's focus on the differences between love and passion, and we will rely only on some theses.
The Ozhegov dictionary love as a strong feeling of deep affection, selfless and sincere affection. And passion
like an ardent desire.
These two conflicting definitions will help us distinguish between these feelings. Love is based on intimacy, while passion is purely on desire.
Passion is a person’s lust that is uncontrollable and has a significant impact on his thinking and behavior.
E. Fromm argued that instincts, or natural drives, are rooted in the physiological needs of a person, while human passions are rooted in his character. In other words: instincts are a response to a person’s physiological needs, while passions are a response to his existential needs.
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How is love different from passion?
Over the years, a person, as a rule, easily distinguishes love from passion.
Falling in love is characterized by the desire to make your partner happier
A man and a woman understand that the word “love” implies not just one candy-bouquet stage of a relationship and endless happiness, but also work on oneself and relationships. But giving in to passion is often irresponsible and frivolous behavior.
The state of falling in love involves the spiritual fusion of a couple. Passion is the desire to completely own a person, a kind of manifestation of selfishness. However, without it, a healthy romantic relationship between two people will not work.
Carnal attraction is the basis on which relationships are born, and subsequently the feeling of love is born.
When a couple's relationship is based only on sexual attraction, then the guy and girl do not pay attention to each other's wishes, but strive to satisfy their own needs.
Passion is fleeting . She leaves as quickly as she appeared. As soon as a person conquers the object of desire, the passion fades away.
However, sometimes sexual desire eventually turns into love. Some psychotherapists compare passion with the effects of drugs.
Falling in love is characterized by the desire to make a partner happier (sometimes contrary to one’s own interests). Feeling attraction based on natural instincts, the partner is focused on satisfying his own needs, strong emotions and thoughts aimed at the adored object dominate.
A person loses the ability to think about the feelings and desires of a partner.
The state of love is a conscious and balanced feeling aimed at giving joy to the other half. The lover is interested in the inner world of the other half, and not in the outer shell.
Where has the passion gone?
You meet a person you really like. You are drawn to him. Passion, love arises... And this is the result of complex chemical processes that occur in our body. No romance, just the laws of nature. The very hormones (endorphins, serotonin, adrenaline, etc.) that help us live make us reach out to another person.
All these reactions are new to the body (and with each new person we feel everything a little differently) and it begins to bask in euphoria. But good things cannot last forever, and at a certain moment, love passes and passion goes along with it. Here the brain begins to work and reproduce lived scenarios. We begin to rely on past experiences and not always behave well. Also, our rose-colored glasses come off and we see all the flaws of our partner. Naturally, we try to remake it for ourselves. Spoiler: it brings a lot of pain and tears to both. What kind of passion are we talking about here?
If people go through this stage, they decide to join their lives in marriage. Well, that same everyday life begins in him, which eats up the remnants of passion. You are not trying to do something pleasing to your partner sexually. Your conversations devolve into discussions of children and grocery lists. And it's also good if you talk to each other!
The feeling of novelty and attraction disappears. There are not enough bright emotions. You become commonplace for each other. It's good if the relationship is based on strong love. Well, what if all that remains is just a habit?
How passion manifests itself in men and women
The female sex is more emotional, but experiencing passion is more important for men. This is how they produce hormones that increase productivity in other life activities.
Representatives of the weaker half of humanity easily notice the slightest changes in relationships and feel the moment when cooling begins in a couple. When a woman reacts to changes and tries to bring passion back into the relationship, then she can save the marriage and melt the ice in her partner’s heart.
In the female half, passion for the opposite sex lasts longer and is maintained through falling in love . If a woman experiences love, then she is ready to conquer heights for her chosen one.
To maintain a man’s attraction to his other half, you need to regularly work on relationships and periodically add novelty to your sex life. Guys love to experiment in bed and are happy to experience hot sex because it strengthens relationships and maintains mutual attraction.
What is at the heart of the relationship?
In the context of talking about relationships and love, we, of course, consider first of all love passion
. The reason for such passion lies in the biochemistry of the body. The first thing we notice in the object of our attraction is bodily sympathy; this is where our unconscious ideals of beauty come into play. The second is the smell produced by the pheromone, which is recognized by an organ on the wall of the sinuses. Therefore, one person’s smell for us looks like “mine, attracts”, while the other, on the contrary, “is not mine”.
Passion is a feeling that evokes very strong emotions due to the powerful release of adrenaline and neurotrophins into the blood, which act like a drug. That's why we like to experience attraction so much.
For a person, this feeling is like a long-awaited, fresh breath, giving an incredible amount of strength, a storm of emotions, and an incredible increase in motivation.
Have you already been impressed by this explosive mixture of biochemistry and mental processes? But unlike animals, we make decisions using reason and logic. You can give in to passions (this is human nature), but whether to give in to passions is an ethical and psychological question for everyone.
How to Create Sexual Tension and Passion in a Relationship
In the female half, passion for the opposite sex lasts longer and is maintained through falling in love.
Efforts will have to be made to return passion to the relationship.
Experts advise paying attention to the following factors:
- Make your vacation varied . Try to attend events, celebrations, and restaurants together.
- Control your own appearance . A young couple should look attractive to each other. A well-chosen wardrobe, going to the gym, neatness and a good mood can do a lot.
- Make your other half jealous . When partners see that they are at risk of losing each other, they will begin to value each other again.
- Talk to each other about your feelings. We need to talk heart to heart more often, say kind and pleasant words.
- Abstinence . This may be a business trip or trip. Abstinence inflames sexual desire, which helps partners accumulate passion in order to experience passionate sex in the future.
- Prohibited places for men . You should not allow your spouse to do whatever he wants. Then he will be indifferent to what the chosen one wants. To maintain balance and harmonious relationships, you should not indulge all desires. In bed, both partners should enjoy themselves. If the body does not accept something, you should not agree to unpleasant things in order to please your other half.
Love and passion. Psychology of relationships. Opinion of psychologist Zberovsky.
Love and passion. We defined love as “the ultimate sexual accelerator.” If this is really the case, the following questions are legitimate: Why are there so many sexually dissatisfied and prone to cheating among people who sincerely love and respect each other? Why is sexual incompatibility a fairly common reason for the cooling of relationships and the breakdown of not only love couples, but also families?
Trying to find answers to these questions, we must not forget that a huge number of people do not find the courage to admit that it is problems in their sexual life that are the true reasons for everything that they are used to explaining their love conflicts and crises. Fatigue after work, irritation from an uncleaned apartment or dishes, intolerance of other people's habits, the apparent monotony of life and much more, is often only a consequence of the fact that in your bed either nothing happens at all, or happens extremely rarely and not at all according to your scenario.
Realizing this, let's look for answers to these questions.
The specificity of sex “with a love motive” is expressed in the following:
- — Love ensures mutual interest and the very acquaintance of future sexual partners.
- — Love promotes self-restraint in the manifestation of such qualities that are characteristic of all of us as selfishness, pride, conflict with those who are trying to subjugate us. Loving people humble their pride and submit to each other with pleasure. This eliminates the root causes of quarrels and provides emotional and psychological comfort. People “get along well” even before sexual contact is established.
- — By optimizing relationships, love organizes and facilitates the beginning of sexual relationships, making them completely natural and deeply logical. Being firmly convinced that these relationships have a long life prospect, people resolutely put aside all complexes, fear of losing their reputation, years of bashfulness, and give themselves to each other with pleasure.
- — Love temporarily lowers the level of sexual demands on each other. For a while, loving people practically “need nothing” from each other. At the initial stage of their sexual relationship, they do not require special sexual skill from their partner. They are satisfied with the most primitive sex. The acuity of sensations is ensured by the very fact of establishing physical contact. The motto of this period: “If only my dear one was nearby...”. What, how and in what position the darling does it doesn’t really matter for the time being...
- — Love ensures a certain long-term tolerance of partners even if their sexual incompatibility becomes obvious literally after two or three weeks. A man or woman (especially those with significant sexual experience) can quickly realize that the person they love does not live up to their sexual expectations, is unable to give them the sex they are used to or would like to receive. However, love is always hope. A loving person is able to reduce the size of his sexual needs for some time. He (s) is afraid of offending and alienating his loved one and to all questions about whether he (she) is satisfied with their sex life, he answers that he is completely satisfied.
A sexually unsatisfied person in love usually sincerely believes that his (her) loved one will become sexually “liberated” over time and become more varied and interesting in bed.
As a rule, the situation changes only after a year and a half. If sexual expectations remain unjustified, sooner or later sexual cooling occurs. It kind of sobers up a person and forces him to make certain decisions. Including those that lead to a crisis...
As we see, not a single word has been said that love can make your sex life bright, varied and frequent. It is not said because it has nothing to do with biology, with the natural nature of man.
Have you ever seen a leopard unhappy with sex with his “too modest” leopardess? Or a mother elephant complaining that the elephant “was very lazy today and finished everything very quickly.” That's right, you won't see it. You won’t see it because animals don’t know how to comprehend and generalize the experience of generations. Including sexy. They do not have a language or written language as a means of transmitting and increasing the volume of this information from century to century. All this is available only to humans! Only people have been collecting all the poses, techniques and techniques for thousands of years into thorough works like the Kama Sutra. To then become their hostages...
Let us remember: the main natural task of love is to make people want to enter into sexual relations with each other and give birth to children. How they will enter into these sexual relations, in what position, and whether they will achieve orgasm - all this is indifferent to love! She is not interested in the process, but solely in the result: if only children are born from this sex...
Taken by itself, love cannot and should not
ensure ideal sexual relationships.
It's just not her job.
Of course, to the best of its ability, love smoothes out various sexual conflicts, compensates for sexual dissatisfaction with strong feelings, and gives people a temporary “head start” to regulate relationships. But she is no longer capable of more! It's just none of her business. This is a matter of your own mind. You need to rely on him...
To understand this, let's take a few of the most understandable differences between how we choose naked sex partners and the people we love. It will immediately become clear to us that “sexy” and “beloved,” to put it mildly, are not the same thing... Unfortunately, most often, these are completely different people...
Features of the “sexual choice” of lovers:
First. We make our choices impulsively and unwisely.
When assessing the sexual qualities of our beloved (or potentially beloved) person with a working love program, we make an initial mistake. It lies in the fact that we do this with our minds turned off, in a “half-unconscious state.” As a rule, we either immediately forget about our former demands for the sexuality of our desired partner, or deliberately abandon them, being deceived by the “love bait of hope.” First, we mentally endow our loved one with all sorts of sexual virtues, then we ourselves begin to believe in it. Reality quickly sobers us up, but it’s too late. The choice was made in favor of not the most sexual creature... It should be said frankly:
In a state of love, we choose for ourselves
far from what we always dreamed of “before this”.
In love, we are almost always deprived of the opportunity to choose. Actually, that’s what love exists for. It artificially narrows our scope to one option and encourages immediate action without looking back. It turns out, as in the well-known joke about heaven: God placed Eve in front of Adam and told him: “Choose yourself a wife...”.
When choosing a loved one, the surprise of relatives, friends and girlfriends is almost guaranteed.
They tell us: “Listen, you always said that you don’t like just such specimens. And he argued with us about this almost until he was hoarse... What happened to you!?” But we essentially have nothing to answer. The love program works...
In general, when it comes to love, there is usually no assessment of sexuality at all. The mind is temporarily paralyzed. Mother Nature forces us to engage in self-deception and act according to the following attitude: “Grab what you find and quickly drag it to your hole! You'll figure it out there...” Subsequent practical clarification of the sexual characteristics of the chosen object often leads to the sad thought that we have deceived ourselves. Cupid is to blame for everything, but there is no way to get to him. However, he is only an archer, not a sex instructor...
Meanwhile, when the selection of a lover or mistress is carried out, we are guided by rather strict and cynical criteria: “Suitable - not suitable.” This is a deeply conscious choice. When choosing a partner exclusively for sex, we can look closely for a long time, analyze the entire possible amount of information about the person, try to predict the behavior of this person, predict his behavior when we offer him/her THIS. In general, in this case the human mind works much more and longer than in the first. Accordingly, the chances of “sleeping” with someone who is not suitable for you are much less (unless, of course, the person is drunk) than falling in love with someone with whom you would never want to fall in love before the onset of falling in love...
Second. The usual selection criteria are temporarily unavailable.
In purely sexual relationships, we have the opportunity to choose a partner based on a number of characteristics and criteria. We choose those whom we like in appearance, whose figure and physiognomy suits us (suits our ideas about sexuality). We choose people who dress in a way that we find sexy. We choose those who behave, in our opinion, in a “sexual way”, who know how to flirt and be desired.
When deciding on our loved one, we value something completely different: the ability to care, attentiveness, willingness to sacrifice their time for us, reliability, etc. The question is, where is the sexuality here? It doesn't smell like that...
Agree, this is actually exactly the case. How does the traditionally required criterion of “reliability in life” relate to sexuality? That's right: absolutely not! “Human reliability,” in a loving understanding, is a clear contrast to sexuality. As soon as we get to know each other and start making friends, we immediately want to wrap our beautiful girlfriend in old jeans, and push a guy dressed in a fashionable suit into a banal T-shirt and tights with sagging knees! That’s right, it’s not for nothing that ducks that hatch eggs are so gray... So that no one can see them.
In love, we almost always go against our own basic ideas about sexuality.
As you know, “love is evil...”. Unexpectedly for everyone (and for ourselves too), we can fall in love with a completely nondescript and “sniffy” creature, whose sexuality can only be guessed at. Men can lick their lips at tall blondes with large busts, but at the same time stubbornly befriend a petite brunette with no signs of any bust at all. In words, women value tall, athletic, fit, with thick hair, but with enviable regularity they marry short, fat and bald. Shouting at the same time: “But look how he treats me!”
We must be clearly aware of the fact that “happened” love can instantly deprive us of ordinary sexual preferences and temporarily “knock down” our sexual aim.
Six months or a year later, we wake up one day and, looking at the one who is snoring peacefully next to us, we think in shock: “What kind of eclipse came over me then?! How was I blind?! What should we do? At least run away!”
In general, the following principle works in love sex: “My beloved is mine! And sexual is common... So what if he (s) is such a no-no! But mine (mine)!” Do you recognize yourself? I think you’ll find out... So don’t be surprised later why your sexual relationships are so “sparse and dull.” It's all your own fault. More precisely, the love program that has worked in you.
Third. We deliberately strive for the unknown.
Let's call a spade a spade: When choosing a partner for “naked” sex, we very often know the opinion about the real sexuality of a given woman or a given man from those who have already had sex with this person. When choosing a lover or mistress, we very often follow other people’s characteristics and even direct recommendations. In sex without love, we are clearly drawn to “proven” people. Those whose sexual potential we have a clear idea of. So they pass from hand to hand, like a “challenging banner of honor”...
The information that this or that person “gives!”, or “maybe five times in a row!”, according to my observations, is often the strongest incentive to start a sexual relationship, even for those people who are among the obvious sexual phlegmatic people. The message that someone from your work or educational team yesterday “relaxed quite well in the field of sex” suddenly makes you look at the “hero of the day without a tie and without swimming trunks” with completely different eyes. In these eyes you will see a completely undisguised interest of a sexual nature. Paradoxical as it may seem, information “of this kind” (checked: “No mines!”) not only does not repulse us at all from the potential object of our attention, but, on the contrary, rather attracts us.
But when we are looking for a loved one, the presence of messages about his (her) erotic abilities, on the contrary, is repulsive. And how repulsive it is! Sometimes it becomes completely disgusting...
When choosing a loved one, we clearly strive for sexual uncertainty . We are very pleased that no one has any information of a sexual nature about this person. In fact, we are proud of the fact that no one knows anything about the sexual side of the life of the one we already love or are just about to love. It is not surprising that it is precisely for this ignorance that we later pay with our sexual dissatisfaction. The beloved “Touchy One” often turns out to be so uninteresting in bed that our memory begins to helpfully tell us the treasured phone numbers of old, trusted sexual partners...
The list of such “inconsistencies” when choosing a partner for sex and for a long and happy family life can be continued. However, all of them will only be a consequence of the main cause of the sexual conflict of love: No matter how long love lasts, it is still a behavioral program with a limited duration. As soon as it turns off, a significant number of lovers begin to clearly realize their sexual incompatibility. The recent “bed of love” turns out to be a “broken sexual trough...”.
Why this is exactly so and not otherwise, we have already said above. Mother Nature requires species diversity. She wants you to mate with as many partners as possible and produce as many children as possible with completely different genetic characteristics. Only the breadth of the reproduction spectrum can ensure the survival of the entire human population. The more different children there are, the greater the chance that one of them will adapt to the conditions of their environment in the best possible way...
Mother Nature frankly saves on the duration of the love program, on the time that she allocates for you to forgive all the shortcomings of your partner. Including sexual ones.
By artificially lowering your sexual needs and reducing the likelihood of sexual conflicts at the very beginning of your sexual life with your loved one, the love program actually only delays the very moment of their occurrence. As soon as it begins to reduce the release of certain chemical enzymes or stops working completely, one of the loving people suddenly realizes that his partner is a sexually limited person...
Love and passion. Understanding the practice of sexual relations between lovers shows: The mass belief that love can make sexual life completely organic and lift loving people to the pinnacle of erotic sensations is erroneous. It makes no sense to demand from love something that it has nothing to do with! Love is intended to provide only the “biological minimum”, the very fact that sexual contact has been established between loving people. Love should only bring people to each other. She's just a matchmaker. They must do the rest themselves. Including regulating your sex life at a modern level.
When starting a new love relationship, you should remember: With a pronounced desire to give your loved one maximum pleasure, sex in a love relationship most often loses to “sex for sex’s sake . It is this conflict of love that forces and literally “pushes” many men and women who sincerely love their partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife) beyond the boundaries of legal sex. Encouraging them, while loving one person, to seek sexual satisfaction in the arms of completely different people, who are “temporary sexual substitutes.”
Conflicts with obvious or hidden sexual overtones have been and will be obligatory companions of long-term love relationships. This is due to the short duration of the love program and the obvious discrepancy between the criteria of a “sexy” person and a loved one. In the first case, the importance of reason is great, in the second - of feelings. There is only one way out of this situation: applying to the sexual life of people who love each other the same techniques and technologies that are accepted between people who have sex solely for the sake of obtaining purely sexual impressions.
Another paradox of loving sexual relationships is this:
The less in love sex there is puppyish tenderness and maternal-paternal care characteristic of love, and more expression, pressure and rough unceremoniousness, the better it is for love sex.
The less lovers show modesty and restraint in sex, the more chances they have to avoid the danger of sexual conflicts, cool their relationship and interrupt it due to the fact of that very betrayal, which was not the result of the fact that one person “fell out of love” with another, but the fact that the spontaneously switched off love program left behind the accumulated sexual tension of the most passionate partner...
If you or your couple need help,
I will be happy to give advice from family psychologist Zberovsky
at a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or phone).
Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520
Sincerely, family psychologist, Doctor of Science, Professor Andrey Zberovsky.
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Stages of relationships between partners
Relationships based on love and sex go through 3 stages of development:
- Passionate relationships . The period when a partner looks at the object of adoration through “rose-colored glasses” adds imaginary characteristics to him. A few years later, the “rose-colored glasses” break, and the lover feels disappointed.
- True love with components of attraction . This level is characterized by the correct setting of priorities. Love feelings come first and control voluptuousness.
- Love . Not everyone experiences such relationships. This is a kind of calm harbor with constant calm. Such relationships can get boring for one of the couple, and then he will go in search of the required experiences on the side. However, when partners are satisfied with such relationships and feel positive emotions, then the marriage will be strong.
Signs of physical attraction
Based on love and sexual attraction, long-term relationships are created that end in marriage. In order not to make a fatal mistake, everyone must distinguish between these sensations.
Long-term relationships are created based on love and sexual attraction
If a family is created at the stage of a passionate relationship, the marriage will not bring happiness. When the attraction subsides, close contact between partners will be interrupted.
Main symptoms of passion:
- the body of the other half causes unhealthy interest and attraction;
- relationships are based on flirting, not heart-to-heart conversations;
- an important sign is the appearance of excessive jealousy and fear of losing a partner;
- fictitious characteristics are added to the object of adoration, there is no desire to look at the partner with a sober look;
- maximum interest in one's own personality is constantly expected;
- general leisure is limited to sex and fun;
- marriage is more like a relationship between lovers than spouses.
Why does desire arise?
People are attracted to each other by natural instincts aimed at procreation. We select the person most suitable to pass on good genes to children.
Women are attracted to successful men. Their wealth, strength and determination will allow them to feed their family, and their status in society is an indicator of intelligence and, therefore, excellent genes. Natural concern for future descendants explains the desire of men for young girls, because they are more attractive and healthy.
Do all men cheat? Why does cheating happen?
E. Fromm distinguished between rational passions (for example, love) and irrational passions (greed, vanity, etc.). Rational passions are viable. They lead to a person’s self-affirmation, enhance his sense of joy, contribute to the manifestation of his integrity and give meaning to his life. Irrational passions, on the contrary, interfere with a person’s life, undermine his strength, lead to duality and loss of the meaning of life. A person is possessed by such passions as the need for love, tenderness, solidarity, freedom, truth, on the one hand, and the thirst for power, submission, destruction, on the other. All these and many other passions lead him through life, become the cause of worries and anxieties, and are the source that feeds dreams, myths, legends, religions, art, and literature.
How to ignite your passion? 10 ways to enhance sexual activity
If there are problems in relationships with the opposite sex, you can always seek help from a specialist. An experienced psychologist will help resolve the issue. There is no need to isolate yourself. Any negative emotion must be spoken out.
There are 10 main ways to enhance sexual activity:
- Unleash your imagination . Watching pornographic films, literary works with an immodest plot and depiction of sexual details, love melodramas can arouse sexual desire.
- Sports . Fitness classes and physical activity increase the amount of testosterone, because athletes have a higher level of this hormone than other people.
- Aromatherapy . Some scents are used to bring excitement to bed, create a romantic atmosphere, and lift your spirits.
- SPA salons . A hot bath can relax you and remove fatigue, which will not harm you for long sexual marathons.
- Nutrition . A healthy diet and interest in your own health will help you feel better.
- Praise from the guys . A woman loves with her ears. Warm and gentle words will awaken attraction.
- Tanning and ultraviolet radiation have a beneficial effect on the skin, promote the formation of vitamin D and increase testosterone.
- Healthy sleep . The female half of humanity usually needs more sleep than the male half. Don't skimp on healthy sleep.
- Impact on erogenous areas . For girls, such a place is considered to be the neck. You can use drop earrings to target this area and increase attraction. Others may be aroused by gentle touching of the breasts. The entire skin is susceptible to tactile contact. Experiment.
- A little wine . Alcoholic drinks make women less enslaved. The main thing is to know when to stop. One glass of wine will only do you good.
So what's the deal?
Why did the passion disappear in your couple? It's not always about routine, differences in interests, or the fact that the relationship has been going on for a very long time. Often the reason may lie in insufficient trust between partners, in fears, beliefs, misunderstandings, or simply in the fact that you don’t talk much with each other on frank topics and, as a result, do not know about each other’s true desires and needs.
Relationships between people are shaped by their life experiences, conditions and circumstances of their past, and mostly unconsciously. All these are mental processes. And you can truly understand how your relationship with your particular partner is formed by working with a specialist.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand what formed the relationship you have now, and how this can be changed.
You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram or the form on the website. You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
