The number of divorces in Russia from January to May 2021 was a record for the last seven years. At the same time, amid the pandemic, the number of calls to sexologists and family psychologists has increased, experts said. The accumulated problems for some couples resulted in separation and mutual hostility. Read more in the Izvestia article.
The case is a side: who helps families avoid divorce
Conflict between spouses can almost always be resolved
The main reasons for divorce according to statistics
In the “Reason” column in the application for divorce, people most often indicate the following.
Addiction of one of the spouses to alcohol and drugs
According to statistics, this is the most common cause of divorce, destroying about 30% of all families. Constant stress, high workload, and the frantic pace of life force people to seek solace at the bottom of the bottle. Men are more susceptible to alcoholism, because responsibility for the family most often lies with them. For many, this burden turns out to be unbearable, especially if there is no support from the spouse, but only constant reproaches and demands.
Domestic violence
Violence in marriage is not uncommon today, and this is exactly the case when you need to leave immediately. It's better to be divorced but alive than to be dead with a ring on your finger. And I am not exaggerating - many of those who expected their spouse to improve suffered this terrible fate.
Naturally, the role of the rapist is the one who is stronger. In 99% of cases it is a man. Those who believe that only some scumbags and marginal individuals resort to assault are wrong. Violence in families occurs when irritation, anger and resentment, without finding a way out, reach a critical level and put a person into a state of passion. He turns into a beast, unable to control his rage.
Having returned to consciousness after what happened, the man is overcome with a feeling of guilt, he cannot understand how he did such a thing, and begins to beg for forgiveness in all possible ways. If the wife decides to forgive him, they both fall into a trap from which it will be very difficult to get out later.
The woman will feel like a victim and expect compensation from her husband for his aggression. The man will be tormented by feelings of guilt and circle around his wife like her faithful page. And the factors that initially caused irritation and anger will not go away; on the contrary, new ones will be added to them. The next outbreak of passion will not be long in coming. A woman needs to know about this in order to break this vicious circle.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, do not tolerate it! Go live with your parents or girlfriend and prepare for a divorce. To figure out what to do, read our article “How to divorce your husband.”
Adultery
Dissatisfaction with sex life in marriage pushes people to look for relationships on the side. Most people consider cheating to be a betrayal, but not every betrayal leads to divorce.
Due to certain gender characteristics, male and female infidelity are perceived differently by spouses. Men cheat more often, but it is easier to forgive a woman for her husband’s betrayal than for a wife’s betrayal of a man. In addition, circumstances play an important role: with whom the spouse cheated, whether it was an unfortunate accident or a long-term vicious relationship, what kind of relationship he had with his lover or mistress.
Financial difficulties
Very often the love boat crashes in everyday life, especially among people who love to build castles in the air and soar in the clouds. Only men and women have different views on the problem, one might even say opposite. A woman, dissatisfied with the financial situation of her family, is inclined to place all responsibility on the man - he earns little, he won’t take me to the Maldives, I’ll go to someone else and I’ll live like a queen.
A man often perceives family life as an obstacle to his career growth. “Now, if I didn’t have to support all this horde and waste my time on them, I would have risen to the rank of boss a long time ago,” this is how the dissatisfied husband roughly thinks.
Such fantasies have little relation to reality, but people understand this too late.
Living with relatives under one roof
The housing problem has always been acute for residents of big cities; Bulgakov wrote about this in “The Master and Margarita.” Unable to move into separate housing, young couples usually live in a house with the parents of one of the spouses.
Very rarely does such cohabitation benefit the relationship. In especially severe cases, divorce occurs.
Long business trips for husband or wife
The occupation of many people involves constant travel and long stays away from home. These are athletes, military personnel, sailors, pilots, truck drivers, and artists. People who get married usually have little idea of what awaits them.
Feelings of loneliness, worries about your spouse and jealousy can kill even the strongest love. Especially if your own life is boring and monotonous, and your spouse is the only light in the window.
Inability to have children
Infertility in married couples is not uncommon today; about 6% of marriages break up for this reason. A spouse whose fertility is fine may find it difficult to come to terms with the impossibility of having natural children, and he leaves. Most often this is a man; a woman in this situation can resort to artificial insemination.
Irreconcilable contradictions in views on life
When getting married, many people do not bother to discuss important life-changing issues among themselves: where they will live, how they will share responsibilities and manage the family budget, whether they will have children and how soon. As a result, very often views diverge, and none of the spouses wants to compromise. Everyone tries to bend the other, scandals and showdowns begin, and in the end people not only get divorced, but turn into their worst enemies.
Intercultural and interfaith marriages are at risk. The traditions and customs of different peoples are very different, and this, naturally, leaves an imprint on family life. I know couples who separated after 10 years of marriage, unable to agree on what name to name their child. This could be funny if it weren't so sad.
We have found out the main reasons that lie on the surface and are visible to the naked eye. But if you dig deeper, it very often turns out that they are only a consequence of the psychological and personal problems of two people who happen to be nearby.
People are not always able to reflect on these internal problems and draw the right conclusions. If, after a divorce, a person blames his ex-spouse for all the sins, but does not see a drop of guilt behind himself, with a high degree of probability we can say that his next relationship will end in failure. Therefore, psychologists advise always maintaining mental hygiene and always working on yourself.
Age difference
When a 30-year-old man and a 20-year-old girl decide to get married, the age difference does not seem global. And this is natural - both partners are at the peak of their physical fitness, attractiveness and wealth. After two decades, 20 and 30 turn into crisis periods for both 40 and 50, associated with the first signs of old age and the “countdown.”
Often both spouses are burdened by the thought of the impossibility of returning to their former years. This is a seemingly obvious thing, but people, fueled by the seething blood of youth, are not always able to truly feel it. As a result of the inevitability of the new reality that has befallen him, one of the spouses leaves for someone much younger than his partner - in an attempt to infuse the freshness of youth into his life.
Psychological aspects of divorce
The cornerstone of all human problems, including those related to the inability to build family relationships, is the psychological immaturity of the individual. In other words – infantilism. The phenomenon is widespread and very difficult to eradicate in our time due to blurred values and lack of moral guidelines.
It manifests itself in the reluctance and inability to take responsibility, the refusal to rely on oneself, and the search for external sources of emotional and material comfort.
It is not surprising that the initiators of divorce are more often women - gender stereotypes allow them to remain weak and dependent almost into old age, but such indulgences, as a rule, have to be paid dearly. The faster a person grows up, the more successful and happier his life will be.
One of the consequences of personal immaturity is egocentrism. It eats away at a marriage like rust - gradually but inevitably. A family union of two egocentrics is doomed to a quick divorce and rarely lasts longer than three years. If in a couple only one spouse suffers from egocentrism, the other can carry everything on himself for quite a long time. But sooner or later the cup of patience is overflowing, and he leaves, leaving the second one in bewilderment and confusion.
This topic is covered well by a male psychologist in the video.
How to (not) save a marriage
One study asked divorced people what could keep them from breaking up. In the top five are the following answers: “eliminating the causes of divorce” (here, apparently, a wide range of answers is assumed: infidelity, deception, etc.), “feeling of love for each other,” “nothing,” “having common children” and “material considerations.”
Respondents were also asked what they thought the stability of a marriage was based on. They named such factors as mutual love and respect, fidelity, mutual support, common interests, responsibility to the family and tolerance of spouses towards each other.
Over the past 30 years, Russians have increasingly begun to say that if the decision to divorce has been made, then there are no factors that can influence it (36% in 2021 versus 29% in 1990).
At the same time, circumstances that can prevent divorce have become more significant: the inability to “divide” common children (34% in 2021 versus 25% in 1990) and the financial dependence of one of the spouses (25% versus 7%).
On opposite sides of the barricades: divorce from the point of view of a man and a woman
We have already found out that women are more likely to initiate divorce. Let's look at some more gender-specific features of divorce.
Well, firstly, it’s worth saying that divorce is much less beneficial for a man than for a woman, especially in a marriage with children. Children in 80% of cases remain with their mother, and the father, often unable to fully communicate with them, must bear the burden of their material maintenance. You need to know this and always keep it in mind.
Therefore, prudent men try to save the marriage until the end, or at least separate without scandal.
In addition to the above, husbands identify the following motives and grounds for divorcing their wives:
- dissatisfaction with sex life;
- interference of the wife's parents in the family affairs of the young;
- demandingness and constant dissatisfaction of the wife;
- woman's wild lifestyle.
Wives understand that it is time to divorce their husbands based on the following signs:
- lack of a sense of security and reliable rear;
- too heavy a load at home;
- lack of attention from the husband;
- a man’s bad relationship with his wife’s children from a previous marriage.
What are the most common reasons why people get divorced?
Research has shown that the most common reasons people break up are:
- lack of obligations;
- too many disputes and conflicts;
- infidelity;
- unrealistic expectations;
- lack of equality in relationships;
- lack of preparation for marriage;
- cruel treatment.
Some couples face very difficult situations, such as abuse, infidelity or addiction. These are the reasons why you should definitely get a divorce:
- violence - in this case it is even dangerous to be in marriage;
- betrayal - there must be an individual approach, first you need to find out the reasons for infidelity;
- addiction manifested in various forms: alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, pornophilia.
At-risk groups
Psychologists identify several factors that increase the likelihood of divorce. The first of them is age. The optimal period for starting a family is considered to be from 23 to 30 years. The person has already completed his studies, separated from his parents and entered into an independent adult life.
Too early marriages, as a rule, are concluded solely on emotions without taking into account common sense and prospects for the future. Young people have an idealized and romanticized idea of marriage. They project beautiful stories from films and books onto their lives, but in them, as a rule, they are silent about the mortgage, socks scattered around the apartment, division of family responsibilities and other “delights” of family life.
After thirty, an individual becomes completely self-sufficient, acquires social status and financial opportunities, and it becomes difficult for him to fit another person into his well-established and comfortable life.
The second factor contributing to the breakdown of a family is the excessive passion of one of the spouses for their career. Workaholism is becoming increasingly widespread today. But this is also an addiction, like gambling addiction, shopaholism and compulsive overeating - sooner or later it leads to the destruction of personality.
The only difference is that workaholism has recently become a socially acceptable type of addiction, in some cases even encouraged. A man who works around the clock seems like a good option for starting a family, in contrast to a slacker who disappears around the clock in the virtual worlds of computer games.
When harsh reality reveals itself in all its glory, it is usually too late. The passport is already stamped and the rings are on.
Marriages of convenience also very often end in divorce. Material wealth cannot in any way compensate for the emotional component of a relationship. In addition, as a rule, these are unequal marriages. Needless to say, age, culture, and financial gaps have a negative impact on family life.
Crises as part of marriage
Crises arise in the life of every couple. The impetus for them is usually some new situation that cannot be resolved in the usual ways. Every couple experiences these crises at different stages of their life together.
One of the founders of family psychotherapy, Virginia Satir, identified the following stages of family life, especially susceptible to crises:
- birth of the first child;
- the child masters speech;
- the birth of a second child, the struggle of children for the attention of their parents;
- the child went to kindergarten/school;
- adolescence in a child plus a midlife crisis in parents;
- empty nest syndrome, when children began to live independently and had their own family;
- wife's menopause;
- decreased libido in the husband;
- mastering new roles of grandparents.
I would add to this list the beginning of life together, when spouses move in together and begin to agree on household management, distribution of finances and other issues.
Well-known family psychologists Edmond Eidemiller and Viktoras Justitskis identified crises associated with unfavorable events in family life:
- illness of one of the spouses or a child;
- financial crisis;
- adultery;
- conflicts with other people;
- housing problems;
- change in the social status of one of the spouses;
- excessive load;
- domestic violence;
- adoption, guardianship.
Every crisis has its own difficulties and ways to overcome them. Difficulties in relationships are inevitable. And when the issue of divorce comes up in conversations, it is important to understand what stage your family is at or what unfavorable situation it finds itself in.
What exactly were the difficulties? What is stopping you from finding a way out of the situation? The answers to these questions will help you decide whether to save your marriage or get a divorce.
For example, a young couple moved in together and started living together. And after some time we encountered difficulties in organizing everyday life: who cooks? who cleans? who goes to the store? Or the question of how to manage finances has become acute: who earns money, who stores it, who makes spending decisions, and so on.
Still from the film “Before Midnight” ©
Social reasons and factors provoking divorces
Social trends and processes cannot but leave their mark on the institution of the family. And although this is not a direct influence, but an indirect one, I could not ignore it. Let's figure out what factors can provoke such a huge number of divorces.
- Propaganda of childlessness
The motto of modern youth is to live one day at a time and don’t worry. Everything that does not fit into this doctrine - namely, any responsibility, hard work, moral and ethical principles - is considered harmful and destructive. We see how the idle and selfish lifestyle is idealized in films, modern literature and show business.
Naturally, there is no place for children in such a picture of the world. And childless marriages break up much more often - this is a fact confirmed by statistics. The total number of divorces is 65%.
- Exaggeration of the role of sex in people's lives
Sexual stimuli today lie in wait for us everywhere - on the street, on TV, on the radio, on the Internet; the only place you can hide from them is in a kindergarten or church. Particularly “progressive” sections of society constantly strive for sexual liberation, although there is no room for liberation.
Against the backdrop of such aggressive brainwashing, married people begin to feel somewhat damaged and deprived, because marriage imposes certain restrictions on male and female libido. They begin to look with envy at their single friends and come to the conclusion that they did not have time to have fun. And having escaped to the long-awaited freedom, as a rule, they bitterly regret the broken family.
- Body cult
First of all, of course, women's. The deification of girlish beauty has always taken place, but today it has acquired completely grotesque forms. It’s a paradox, but it is the fair sex themselves who suffer from this state of affairs first of all.
A woman loses her external attractiveness before a man - the birth of children leaves its mark, sad as it may be. Closer to 40, she can no longer compete with young girls for the attention of the opposite sex, while the target audience of men, on the contrary, is expanding. Having reached his fifth decade, he can be a desirable gentleman for both a twenty-year-old and a fifty-year-old lady.
When young photoshopped beauties with perfect bodies look at him from Instagram pages, he begins to critically evaluate his wife. All her services to him and the years spent together fade into the background. It is at this age that men often leave their wives and demand a divorce.
How many couples get divorced?
The number of divorces in Russia from January to May 2021 increased by 44% compared to the same period last year, to 251.9 thousand, the international audit and consulting network FinExpertiza calculated.
The most active divorces began in Ingushetia (3.5 times more often, 383 divorces), Chechnya (2.7 times, 900 divorces), Dagestan (2.1 times; 2.5 thousand divorces), Karachay-Cherkessia and North Ossetia (2 times, 750 and 1000 divorces, respectively). The leadership of the North Caucasus regions is explained by the fact that the number of divorces there traditionally remains at a minimum level, so even a slight increase leads to sharp changes in dynamics.
Bitter for the young
Photo: RIA Novosti/Evgeny Odinokov
Marriage-budget process: most Russian families maintain a common treasury
And confidence in the strength of the union depends on the level of income
Despite the fact that in general Russians entered into marriages more often (267.5 thousand) than they divorced, in half of the regions divorces exceeded marriages in number. This is most noticeable in the Leningrad region (31.2% more divorces than marriages), Kalmykia (22.9%), Saratov (20.3%), Penza (19%) and Ryazan regions (18. 9%).
FinExpertiza experts explain the sharp increase in the number of divorces in the first half of 2021 by the fact that during the quarantine in 2021, Russians postponed divorce proceedings. Therefore, as soon as the registry offices returned to normal operation, those wishing to get a divorce began to catch up.
For the same reason, in 2021, the number of couples seeking to officially start a family increased by 30.1%.
Photo: FinExpertiza
Statistics of marriages and divorces from January to March over the past 10 years
By extreme measures: why the number of divorces increased in Russia in June
With the lifting of the self-isolation regime, citizens began to solve family problems through divorce
The most active in this regard compared to last year were residents of Kabardino-Balkaria (an increase of 59.8%, 1.4 thousand marriages), Oryol region (+58.8%; 1.2 thousand marriages), Mordovia ( +56.2%; 881 marriages), Moscow region (+51.1%; 17.2 thousand marriages) and Kalmykia (+49.8%; 349 marriages).
