What Jed Diamond Says
“Anger has been a problem all my life. Because of this, two of my marriages ended and I almost got divorced for the third time,” says Jed. – When my wife told me that I got angry too often, I shouted to her: “I'm not angry. Damn it!" Inside, I felt confused, out of control, and righteous. I mentally said to myself, “Well, who wouldn’t get angry when someone attacked you the way she did?”
When Jed tried to explain his feelings to his wife, she was surprised. Nothing she did felt like an attack, and the man could not express what it was about her words that aroused his defensive anger. It's clear that he showed up for "nothing," but what really made Jed angry remained hidden for a long time.
He never stopped to ask himself, “Why do I get turned on so quickly?” After all, the man felt that he was right. Even if it wasn't. It took Jed years to understand why his wife was afraid of him. He never hit her. So Jed said to himself, "She's just too sensitive."
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“I know when you’re angry, even if you hide it,” Jed’s wife told him. “At that moment your gaze becomes sharp, and it chills my soul.” Jed and Carlene have been married for 38 years. This is the third marriage for both of them, and they have already learned a lot about the nature of their character and ways to deal with anger.
Chance for recovery
The brighter and more scandalous the divorce, the greater the chances that it is not a deliberate and irrational decision. This means that after some time, partners may think about returning to a past life. Of course, if we are not talking about the fact of infidelity of one of the spouses (according to statistics, female infidelity is less often forgiven), domestic violence, addiction to drugs or gambling. A separate text can be written about abuse in the family, since tyrant partners often, after a divorce, stage a real performance begging for forgiveness, just to return the victim under their power. There are no options here, you can’t go back.
If the listed factors do not apply, and the discord occurred against the backdrop of emotions, then it remains to figure out how to understand that the ex-husband wants to return to the family. To do this, it is worth analyzing its behavior:
- keeps in touch - for the most insignificant reasons he calls, writes and tries to bump into people on the street;
- gets closer to those around him - he can go to his mother-in-law to help at the dacha, he can ask to visit his brother or sister;
- become an ideal father - participates in every possible way in raising a joint child, goes to meetings, does not forget to bring groceries or pick up from the garden;
- often mentions the past - with a joke or nostalgia, points out moments in the past when you were together, this is the most eloquent hint that makes it possible to understand that the ex-husband regrets the divorce;
- keeps silent about his personal life - does not burden him with his problems, does not flaunt his life after leaving;
- a sad and guilty look at every meeting;
- If you catch yourself thinking that “my ex is nervous in my presence,” then the feelings remain.
But reunification is only possible if both partners have realized the mistake and are ready to build a new future, and not live out the past. Before returning, there is still a lot of rehabilitation work that cannot be ignored. It is a proven fact that men always return, but only to someone they trust, love and believe. You shouldn't abuse this.
Psychology of men and women from Margaret Atwood
Author Margaret Atwood talks about the dynamics between men and women that took her years to understand. Atwood says: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
Sometimes people listen to a writer and think to themselves, “I know what she says is right, but I can’t explain to myself why it’s right?” At first glance, two of Atwood's statements make no sense. Indeed, how can you compare the fear of death with the fear of being laughed at? However, Atwood suggests that fear of death and fear of ridicule can be combined. And yet it is much easier to understand the fear of women than the fear of men.
Men are usually larger, stronger and more aggressive. Every day in the news we see examples of male violence. To understand why men are afraid of women's ridicule, we must take a trip into men's world and try to see things through their eyes.
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Sign 4 - he begins to praise himself
Plus
He always has an incentive to achieve something grandiose; he always tries to talk about his achievements and victories. It is very, very important for him that you consider him strong, brave and treat him well. Every dissatisfied word of yours will be perceived by him much more sharply than from others. Don't offend him!
Minus
He talks too much and only about himself, boasts without reason and wants you to confess your love to him, admiring him.
Men are dependent on women, but are scared and ambivalent about it
In his book Misogyny: The Male Malady, anthropologist David Gilmore describes the almost universal dislike, contempt, or ingrained prejudice against women that is ingrained in the male psyche. He says that all these nuances are associated with unresolved conflicts that arise due to the urgent need of men to depend on women and the real dependence on them, as well as a strong fear of this. The main reason for male anger is subconscious needs that are so strange that guys block them:
- unconscious desire to return to infancy;
- the desire to suckle;
- the desire to return to the mother's womb;
- a strong temptation to give up one's male autonomy in favor of the omnipotent mother of childhood fantasies.
“The most interesting thing is that all these secret desires,” says Gilmore, “cause unconscious opposition, internal conflict and, consequently, mental turmoil in men.” Men's ambivalence towards women creates an uncomfortable and endless tension on every psychic level, leading to attempts to eliminate the cause of the disorder by attacking its source: women. Men can be open in their anger or secretive. Their anger can be aggressive and explosive, or passive and “pleasant.”
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“I was basically a good guy, but my anger showed up quietly”; “I forgot when my wife’s anniversary is”; “I would flirt with my spouse’s best friend”; “I would listen to her, but not completely.” Sounds familiar?
Who is guilty?
Ambivalent feelings
It seems to us that if we love, we have no right to be angry with our partner. Well, of course, girls are taught from childhood that it is important to be sweet and kind, and then a prince in a white Maserati will definitely come for them and take them away to the life of their dreams. And if a girl behaves badly, gets angry and generally shows her vitality in every possible way, then Santa Claus will not give her a doll for New Year, the teacher will scold her, and mom and dad will be embarrassed by her in front of relatives and friends. And we grow up believing that anger destroys relationships.
So, I’ll tell you a great secret: it’s not anger that destroys relationships, but unexpressed anger. Therefore, loving and being angry with a partner at the same time is good and correct, this is called dual feelings. There are emotions, and there are feelings. Irritation and anger are situational, they are a marker showing that your personal boundaries are violated, but love lasts over time.
Suppressed desires
The mechanism of psychological defense - projection, was once described by Sigmund Freud. What we do not accept in ourselves, we attribute to our partner. My client Anna, 36 years old, is an incredibly clean person. There’s not a speck in her home, her office workspace is the envy of an operating room, and the inside of her car looks like it’s just been dry-cleaned. The only threat to home paradise is Anya’s man, who either doesn’t wash his plate after himself, or scatters dirty socks, or, horror, horror, walks across the carpet in his shoes.
When Anna and I were sorting out similar situations, she remembered that her mother did not at all accept the little slob in her, the girl who played so much that she no longer had the strength to put away her toys or, being carried away, painted not only the entire album, but also the wallpaper . That childish part turned out to be so suppressed that any manifestations of it in her partner caused Anya to become wildly angry. What Anna was hiding and hurting inside, she attributed to external influences from her partner.
The image of your ideal man
The male part of the female soul, discovered by Carl Jung, implies the archetype of the ideal man hidden in the unconscious. The animus, like a puzzle, consists of images and behavior patterns of the father and men who surround the girl in the first years of life.
If dad is reliable, warm and accepting, then the girl develops a healthy animus. If dad is weak and obeys mom in everything, or dad does not take part in raising the child at all, then most likely the animus will be weak.
After all, if we see from childhood that dad is not there, and mom plows like a bull during the sowing season, then it is clear that the weak animus will try to compensate and capture the woman’s soul. And then she loses her femininity. That is why strong women with a weak animus choose weak men as partners. After all, our man is an exact copy of our animus.
Another client of mine, 42-year-old Marina, sought help for prolonged depression. The reason is that I got very bored in my marriage after nineteen years of relationship. Everything seems to be fine: the children have grown up, an apartment has been bought and a house has been built, she is appreciated at work and is about to be made the head of a department, but there is one “but”. Boredom in a relationship with a once beloved husband.
We have nothing to talk about, we know each other so much that we can continue the phrases that our partner started, and spending time together only causes boredom,” she explains.
During a joint meeting with Marina and her husband, she was surprised to discover that her husband was experiencing the same feelings. And behind depression and boredom lies such banal suppressed aggression. After all, Marina’s mother forbade Marina to show her anger, and her husband’s mother was a domineering woman and did her best to suppress her son’s aggression. A couple is matched like a key to a lock, so two people with a ban on expressing aggression in close relationships chose each other.
What to do?
A completely logical question arises: what to do with all this “good”? How to stop worrying and start living? The answer is very simple - awareness. Another thing is that it will not appear out of nowhere.
To understand what makes you so angry in your relationship with a man, it makes sense to take as an axiom a paradoxical thought: a relationship with a man completely copies the relationship with your mother in the first three years of life. If we were missing something, then we will be missing something, and then, if the mother was overprotective, then the man will most likely be the same. And if something really hurts you, it means there’s definitely a psychological trauma hiding there. Feelings that literally cover your head - anger, pain, powerlessness or despair - are an indicator that you have touched a trauma.
Therefore, here is a small instruction on how to behave in a situation of “hell bessilov”:
Restore your breathing. Inhale and exhale deeply several times.
Realize that you are in trauma and need a break. Because when emotions run high, there is no point in sorting things out or making decisions. Ask your partner to hug you, make some delicious tea, wrap yourself in a blanket and take a break until the morning. And the morning is wiser than the evening, as you know.
When your ability to reason returns, think that maybe behind your anger there is a projection mechanism hiding, and your partner behaves the same way as you in certain situations.
Try to remember if this situation reminds you of some situation from childhood. If you remember, tell your man about it.
Remember about the mirror nature of relationships - if you are angry, most likely your partner is experiencing the same feelings.
And may harmony in your relationship be with you!
a man's emotional breakdowns
-
a husband
get angry and flare up literally out of the blue?
Then you just need to learn about the main reasons for bad mood in men
and the right tactics.
Men feel unconsciously dependent on women
In his book, Sam Keen offers a perspective that resonates with Jed. “It dawned on me that a woman had a huge impact on my life and the lives of all the men I knew,” Keene says. “I am not talking about those women who are real beings of flesh and blood, but about those ladies who are ghostly female figures and inhabit our imagination, guide our emotions and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.
One of the main tasks of masculinity is to explore the unconscious feelings that surround the images of these ladies, to dispel the false mystification, to dispel the vague sense of threat and fear, and, finally, to learn to respect and love the strangeness of women.”
In summary, he states, “It may be helpful to think of sexual-spiritual maturation—the journey to manhood—as a process of transforming phantom ladies into women (or one woman), learning to see people of the opposite sex not as archetypes or members of a class, but as personalities."
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“It’s the woman in our heads that causes most of the problems,” Keene concludes. “And these archetypal beings—goddesses, angels, madonnas, witches, gypsies, earth mothers—must be banished from our minds and hearts before we can learn to love women.”
Spender wife!
Increased (due to the wife’s fault) expenses for maintaining the family is a banal reason for the husband’s bad mood
.
In this case, reproaching the fact that friends, for example, live better, is useless and even harmful. Express your wishes in a constructive dialogue, not in the form of complaints. anger
out on each other either, but sitting down and counting your expenses together will be a very reasonable step towards rational planning and use of the family budget.
A man
needs to be given specific tasks; he must understand that funds may really not be enough.
“Our refrigerator is outdated a long time ago, our friends bought a new and good one a long time ago” sounds like a reproach, but invite your husband
to try to earn money for a new refrigerator, and in return promise that you will save money, and he is unlikely to have the desire to get angry.
Few become millionaires. It’s probably even harmful to dream about it. But the desire to once again stimulate and encourage husband
will only benefit your relationship and family budget.
What guys fear most is ridicule and disrespect.
Jed was 6 years old when he was in a room with his mother and several of her friends. Grown-up ladies spoke about their husbands in a mocking tone, discussing their shortcomings. Jed cannot remember the details of the conversation, but the feeling of pity, contempt and disrespect remains in his soul almost 70 years later.
The baby was then very ashamed of his father, since he did not live up to his mother's expectations. So he swore that he would die before he allowed a woman to talk about him like that.
James Gilligan, M.D., one of the world's experts on male violence and author of Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Why It Causes it, says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that is triggered by the shame of being ridiculed and humiliation."
Most often, men turn shame inward, become depressed and commit suicide. But the anger they express towards women is often shame-based and associated with a feeling of being overwhelmed by feminine power.
Annoying guests
Often the husband gets angry
because of your annoying friends.
Don't try to prove to a man
that his friends are no better.
Try to find a compromise. Think about it, maybe he’s right and you should limit communication with people who irritate your significant other so much. You can also have a conversation with your friends if, for example, they are characterized by excessive emancipation and this is what irritates the husband
.
Mother in law for some men
- this is another
reason for a bad mood
and a completely different story. “The farther, the closer” is perhaps the most important rule in relationships with parents on both sides.
You're not up to the ideal
If a man praises certain qualities of other women, but does not directly point out the shortcomings, perhaps he expects you to figure it out yourself and reach the ideal. This may concern:
- Appearance: “Alena bought a membership to the pool, started swimming and lost 10 kilograms in two months.” “Marinka’s short hair suits her so well, she cut her hair down to her toes and is happy.”
- Works: “Katya says that sitting at home is boring. She would never agree to become a housewife." “Vika quit her previous job, completed her studies online and now works for a large company, receiving a salary twice as high.”
- Interests: “Masha is reading the same book as me. It’s so interesting to discuss the plot.” “Olya has become interested in table tennis, and now she beats all our men in the department.”
Or something else. He doesn’t compare you, but he makes it clear that it would be great if you changed the way he wants. How to react? You shouldn’t try to please him and live up to his ideal. He will always be missing something in you - you will be tortured to change. Be yourself. That means he loves her as she is. But! Assess the situation wisely. Maybe you really stayed at home, turning into a weasel and losing your zest for life? This means it’s time to change, but the way you want.
Self-realization of a weakling
This is also what weaklings do, unsure of themselves as men. That's why they show off and increase the price. At the same time, they try to belittle a woman and devalue her dignity. If he regularly praises himself, talking about how irresistible and in demand he is among women, but only tells you about your alleged shortcomings, then he is a weak person and far from the best man. At the same time, such types often do not represent anything - they do not shine with intelligence and live at the expense of others. In a conflict situation, they hide behind others, fold or run away. And then they take it out on those who are a priori weaker, including their women. My advice to you is to stay away from these people. A weakling will destroy you mentally and will definitely never make you happy. Run before the relationship goes too far (marriage, children). Have you already come? Look for ways and run while you are still young and able to start life from scratch.
