Divorce when you have children together is often a confusing, difficult, and traumatic process. The documents are signed, the family disperses to different addresses, the ex-spouses begin to lead a new life, free from the participation and pressure of the other.
However, if you have children together, it is impossible to completely burn bridges with your ex-partner. Wisdom, prudence, and patience are required from co-parents. For the comfort of children, it is necessary to be able to put the interests of your daughter or son above your own needs, ambitions, and experiences.
Let's look at psychologists' recommendations on how to survive a divorce with a child with minimal losses.
How do ex-spouses feel?
When thinking about the ideal environment for raising children, the loving two-parent model comes to mind. But in reality, many marriages break up.
Co-parents are forced to build a new life, adjusted for the need to raise children, living in two houses. New rules arise that require different thinking and different actions.
After a divorce, the behavior of ex-spouses is influenced by emotions and feelings that naturally arise when a relationship breaks down.
How does the man feel?
A divorced guy rarely receives support from others, especially if he is the initiator of the breakup.
If it is customary to support and feel sorry for the abandoned woman, then the man is left alone with his thoughts and experiences . He probably assumed that life would change after the divorce. But envisioning and experiencing changes in practice are two different things.
In marriage, life is structured in a certain way. Household responsibilities are divided or were on women's shoulders. After a divorce, a man must manage the household himself. He is surprised to discover that the food does not cook itself, food items are not added to the refrigerator, and the pile of dishes does not decrease. Deprivation of familiar comfort unsettles a man, makes him irritable and less effective at work.
Often after a divorce, the ex-husband must move to another place. Moving creates hassle, deprives you of peace of mind, and causes stress. Therefore, the ex-spouse often feels “out of place” after the breakup of the family. He acts illogically, acts chaotically, and is irritated due to the need to organize his life.
If the initiator of the separation was a woman, then the man’s experiences are filled with drama . Disappointment, a feeling of loss, resentment, regret about one’s own mistakes, bitterness for wasted time, longing for children grip a person’s emotional world.
Without the opportunity to cry and speak out, a man pushes his experiences deep into the subconscious. Suppressed, unprocessed emotions result in psychosomatic illnesses, alcohol abuse, and gambling addiction.
Woman's feelings
The post-divorce stage is a period of emotional chaos. A divorced woman wants to find out why the family broke up , find those responsible, take revenge on the offender, or punish herself. She seeks to prove to her ex-husband that he was mistaken, to convince others of his depravity and inhumanity.
If there are common children, the relationship cannot be completed. They often create an irresistible certain mental background. A woman lives in the past, not in reality, and does not think about the future.
The ex-wife often takes a belligerent, hateful position. He does everything to poison and complicate the existence of his ex-partner.
Other women calmly endure the breakup, do not panic, and do not throw hysterics . They act adequately for the well-being of children. Still others fall into despair, obsessively thinking: “Who needs a divorcee, and even with a child?” Low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of loneliness are typical characteristics of a woman after a divorce.
The main stages of experiencing a divorce
Let's consider the stages of experience:
Defensive reaction
At first, the female psyche transmits a defensive reaction, the brain “numbs”. The body adapts to changes and experiences stress. Others may perceive shock as indifference. External indifference hides severe stress and the inability to comprehend what is happening. A natural defense reaction for the psyche trying to block pain. This is the reason that many women delay divorce - they not only give the relationship a chance, but also delay the moment of stress. The protective reaction gives the effect of “pain relief”. Understanding of the situation will come later - the event has already happened, it remains to be experienced.
Anger, resentment
At the second stage of trying to survive a divorce from her husband, the woman experiences resentment and anger. She remembers situations that resulted in the dissolution of the union, returning to them mentally, she suffers. Trying to understand what happened, she torments herself with questions. Anger may be directed toward the ex-husband or people who contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. Example: a family broke up due to the presence of a mistress. A woman is angry with her husband and homewrecker. She is looking for those to blame, because it seems easier for her to cope with the loss. The effect will be the opposite. Starting to spread feelings of anger, a woman transfers it to close people, and sometimes relationships deteriorate irrevocably. You need to act the other way around: don’t get annoyed with your loved ones, but seek their support. After outbursts of rage, be sure to ask for forgiveness from the people you offended: explain to them that you are going through a difficult period and cannot control your emotions.
Guilt
At the next stage, the woman feels guilty. It begins to seem to her: with different behavior, everything could have been different. She finds flaws in herself that contributed to the breakdown of the family. The feeling of guilt grows - instead of getting over the divorce from her husband and moving on, the woman reproaches and torments herself. Self-flagellation and justification of the husband begins, even if he was a traitor. The senselessness of self-accusation is not immediately realized.
Depression
The most difficult stage. The sensations are painful, the mental pain intensifies. The natural state for a woman going through a divorce. Lasts several weeks or months. If depression has lasted for more than six months, the help of a psychologist is needed.
Characteristic symptoms of this stage: severe internal pain or frequent crying. A woman tries to maintain contact with her ex-husband - mentally or in reality. In some cases, attempts are made to return the relationship, which is soon regretted.
An important point: symptoms that have become protracted require the attention of a specialist. Your goal is not suffering, but a return to normal life, a new happy relationship. Only by closing this door can another be opened.
Adoption
The most important and final stage that helps you finally get over the divorce from your husband. The woman feels relieved, tries to start living in a new way, she is not afraid of life without her former chosen one. The right goal emerges: to recover from the shock.
How to cope with a breakup with a partner when you have small children?
The transition from a full-fledged family to two separate lives is often inconvenient, uncomfortable, and psychologically traumatic.
It is important that the breakup of the couple be smoother and painless for the members of the broken family. A typical obstacle to the successful upbringing and development of children after divorce is parents’ focus on conflict and defending personal interests.
For successful cooperation, ex-spouses should learn to develop and use conflict management strategies . Otherwise, the child will become the central figure in the adults' proceedings. This causes short-term disruption and long-term problems in the mental health of the child or teenager.
Protracted quarrels and strong resentments between co-parents create a negative, uncomfortable atmosphere. They undermine attempts to establish a stable lifestyle for the little person. Ongoing conflicts make ex-partners poor role models in social and communication skills.
Hostility forces co-parents to act against each other rather than work together. Adults often use children as messengers of bad news.
Disagreements should be put aside and discussed what the new rules , boundaries, methods of reward and punishment will be. Mom and dad should work hard on themselves to adhere to a reasonable educational line. Maintain consistency so that children know that there is a daily routine, planned activities, scheduled appointments.
Adults need to stay in touch to know what is happening in the daily life of their daughter or son. However, calls should not be used for checks or spying on the ex-spouse.
The task of co-parents is to find a way to interact with each other in the context of a business relationship. This will allow you to rise above primitive emotions and focus on the interests of the child. The habit of thinking logically and acting consistently for the future heir will help ex-spouses rediscover their inner strengths and overcome destructive feelings. The path to peace and harmony with yourself is to try to become the best for yourself and your children.
Sometimes it is tempting to blame the other parent for troubles or changes in the child’s behavior. You cannot give in to impulse, react sharply to tiny obstacles, or draw hasty conclusions. It is necessary to study the situation from all sides and assess the importance of what is happening.
If there are suspicions that the ex-partner treats the child incorrectly, behaves unworthily, or does not pay the required attention, this topic should not be discussed with hostility. Express complaints calmly, without affecting the personality ; present complaints as concerns about the baby. Be specific about the questions you need to ask. Do not criticize the character, habits of another person, do not cite past mistakes as an example. Focus on the present and think about the future.
Shopping lists
Rent and food are two huge expenses. The food needed to be optimized somehow: now there are two of us, not three, the child has started eating adult food, and spending needs to be planned in advance so as not to spend too much.
To do this, I keep lists of products for going to the store, lists of large purchases and lists of what I run out of at home. I write directly into notes on my iPhone with emoticons: it’s easier to find what I need among other notes.
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Opposite each item is the quantity and price. At the end of the list I write the total amount, and in the store I go with a calculator. This way I always know how much I will spend, and I regularly find some errors at the checkout. For example, a double-punched jar of olives or candy is not mine, but costs a hundred more.
Just a list of products that are running low.
Previously, I also wrote with the number of packages, now I know the quantity and write Big purchases on the machine. I have a separate folder in my notes with a list of large planned purchases. There is always something bigger and more expensive than bread and diapers. When there is no money, such purchases still do not disappear. Either I need winter boots, or my child’s vaccinations are paid, or the computer or blood pressure monitor breaks down - I’m hypotensive, and I measure my blood pressure every day.
This is where I write down my wishes. For example, I have long wanted a bar stool for my kitchen that fits my short height. I honestly admit this to myself and slowly save up even during a crisis.
Each note contains a description of what you need, when you need it, the cost or budget for the purchase, and links from different stores or options. When I have the amount, I look at the options, Google and choose. This helps you avoid spending too much and at the same time not buying too much.
Read also: How to make a flashlight super bright
This is what my list of big purchases looks like - the “Planned Purchases” folder in Notes on the iPhone. I bought a can of flour, hair dye and winter boots, next in line were a drying rack and a step stool.
How to accept the situation when left alone?
What to do to get over a breakup:
To a man
Breaking up a relationship causes painful, anxious feelings. A divorced man may grieve the end of the union, feel confused, isolated from the child, and fear the future. The ex-husband's job is to learn to cope with the pain of divorce in healthy ways, to remain calm, and to help the children feel comfortable and at ease.
Advice from psychologists on how a man can survive a divorce while minimizing mental anguish is listed below:
- Do physical exercise daily, preferably outdoors. Active exercise relieves accumulated stress and restores energy.
Exercise stimulates your brain, allowing you to make sound decisions.
- Eat a healthy diet. Although cooking at home without the help of your ex-spouse requires more effort than ordering ready-made meals from a restaurant or buying convenience foods, the habit of regularly eating fresh, healthy food prepared with your own hands will lift you out of the clutches of the blues and prevent illness.
- Visit friends often and expand your social circle. After a divorce, men are often tempted to remain unnoticed, isolate themselves, and avoid meeting friends and former family. But the reality is that meaningful social interaction is important for overcoming the stress of divorce and surviving the period of adaptation to loneliness. However, communication does not at all imply the need to “confess” to friends. You should ask your interlocutors to avoid the topic of separation.
- Rely on the help of wise friends. Talk to a psychologist or authority figure about unpleasant experiences and burdensome thoughts. Getting rid of bitterness, anger, and disappointment in a constructive way will prevent the outburst of negative emotions on children.
- Continue to enjoy life, be happy, have fun, laugh. Try to bring humor and play into your children's lives. Walking together, engaging in exciting leisure activities, and traveling will relieve stress, get rid of sadness and anger, and restore the meaning of life.
- Work with your ex-wife. Conflict between parents is destructive for children. You can't let your daughter or son think that you have to choose between your parents. Never argue in front of children, whether in person or over the phone. If you feel resentment coming from your ex-spouse, suggest rescheduling the conversation.
- Be tactful and polite. Do not discuss details of your ex-spouse's behavior with your child. Focus on the strengths of family members. Encourage your children to do the same. Make it a priority to improve your relationship with your ex-wife. A friendly attitude will calm kids down and teach them to solve problems in a constructive way.
- Avoid bad habits. Don't be stuck on the couch eating chips and drinking beer. Do not try to eliminate internal discomfort with alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sexual relationships, or gambling.
- Don't try to repair your relationship or start a new family instantly. Psychologists recommend devoting a year after a divorce to recovery. Give yourself time to feel confident, calm, active.
- Don't make accusations. Don't blame yourself for the breakup of your family, because both partners are to blame for a bad relationship. Not only the ex-husband is the culprit of the problems, but also the ex-wife. Don't let your own belittling thoughts lower your self-esteem.
- Stay open to reality. Don't expect global changes. If your ex-spouse is a rude, domineering woman, she will not change for the better after the divorce. Focus on objective assessment: consider both positive memories and negative experiences.
To a woman
If a divorced lady finds herself in a battle with her ex-partners, she should stop and realize the true purpose of life. Remind yourself that the best thing for children in the long run is to have a good relationship with both parents.
Steps on how to accept and survive a divorce are described below:
Think ahead to stay calm in the present.
By focusing on long-term goals and making your children's physical and mental health a priority, you can avoid disagreements with your ex-husband over everyday details.- Clear your personal space. In any home there are things that remind you of your ex-husband. You should get rid of unpleasant reminders. Take time to look through your wardrobe and decide which outfits will complement your new look. Throw away or give away other things that remind you of the past.
- Spend time with your children. A single woman is often overwhelmed with everyday worries, so she loses sight of the bigger picture of life. Allow yourself to relax, play a computer game with your son, give your daughter a manicure. Children value fun, enjoyable moments more than a delicious breakfast or an ironed shirt.
- Organize your finances. After a divorce, a woman is personally responsible for the budget. Regardless of the financial role during the marriage, a divorced lady needs to manage accounts, plan income and expenses, and distribute funds for various purposes. Take the time to learn the ins and outs of budgeting.
- Make forgiveness a priority. If a woman is unable to forgive her ex-spouse or blames herself, she will not be able to move on. Resentment, anger, frustration in the heart are an obstacle to happiness. Find a way to sincerely forgive, then a full, rich life will return faster.
- Focus on personal well-being. The time after divorce is time to take care of your body. Go through a full medical examination, visit a dentist, and take the necessary preventive and therapeutic measures. Daily exercise and a balanced diet are important. With excellent health, problems seem less.
- Look inside yourself. After separating from your husband, take time to try to understand your true self. The freedom that has opened up is frightening, but the time of forced solitude can be spent on developing and transforming one’s own personality. After a divorce, you have time and purpose to give up bad habits and engage in activities that bring you joy. Don't look for a new boyfriend to fill the empty space in your heart. The empty space in your soul needs to be filled with self-care.
- Welcome a positive relationship between your ex-husband and children. The guys are not to blame for the separation, they did not ask for a divorce. Unwanted change is difficult for a child's psyche. It is important to work to ensure that interactions between members of a broken family remain loving, warm, and civil.
- Discover true personal preferences. When a woman is part of a couple, many decisions are made by the husband. Remember your hobbies before marriage, try new things, discover a world where you are happy.
Legal side of the issue
Divorce with two minor children significantly complicates the entire procedure. However, if the decision to divorce was made mutually, and both spouses have common views on the division of jointly acquired property, as well as on raising children, then it is quite possible to get a divorce without any problems.
But if there is no mutual agreement between the wife and husband (which happens most often), then it is unlikely that it will be possible to avoid the trial. In this case, it is recommended to divorce only under the guidance of an experienced lawyer whose qualifications are sufficient to protect your interests.
There are two ways to terminate a relationship: through the registry office or by going to court.
How to recover and move on with your life?
Co-parents and children must clearly understand the rules and features of the new life after the couple’s divorce. The reaction to innovations varies depending on the age, temperament, and character traits of each member of the broken family.
Teenagers often resist sudden changes in the family situation to which they are accustomed. Preschool children are too young to analyze and evaluate current events, so their attitude towards family breakdown reflects the opinion and behavior of adults.
The main rule for building the right communication strategy after a breakup is to take into account the child’s characteristics, be able to anticipate his reaction, and act according to a clear plan.
Kindness, calmness, wisdom are allies for quick recovery after divorce. Following simple tips will help prevent nervous exhaustion, apathy , depression, and other mental health problems:
In order to painlessly survive a separation, ex-spouses need to be guided by the principle: their mutual claims, grievances, and discontent should not become an obstacle to living a full life in the present and building the future.
It is important that every adult and small family member knows that loved ones are always available and will provide assistance in emergency situations.Understanding that an ex-partner, parent or child is not an enemy, but a friend, increases the chances of meaningful communication, prevents the likelihood of nervous breakdowns, and minimizes the risk of mistakes.
- The interests of children should come first, so parents should listen to their daughter or son. Pay attention to what children say and how they act. If your child is acting restless, ask about feelings in a polite and gentle manner. Show empathy and try to see the situation from the other person's perspective before making decisions or judgments.
- To get through a divorce smoothly, children should be encouraged to develop strong relationships with each family member. Sometimes a child prefers the company of the other parent. Don't rush to conclusions. Remember that children go through different stages of development and get along better with mom or dad at certain ages.
- An important condition is consistency in education. An ex-spouse may be tolerant of certain activities when the other is against such activities. As soon as both parents take a united position and say a firm “no,” the child will stop blackmailing and threatening “Dad allows this, I will listen to him, not you.”
A common understanding of what is prohibited and what is permissible will save co-parents from unpleasant moments and unnecessary worries. Remember that children perceive verbal messages and body language differently than adults. They literally interpret what they see and hear.
- Make decisions like a mom or dad, not like a divorced husband and wife. Regardless of your feelings of anger, resentment, or depression due to divorce, avoid increasing tension between members of the broken family. A typical problem is that parents become so immersed in their own feelings that they forget about the child. They are carried away by resentment that another person is seen as an enemy or a flawed being. Such a verdict puts the child at a dead end.
Allow yourself to be weak
If you spend 24 hours a day grieving about what happened, you may actually believe that you are unhappy. Do not engage in self-destruction, drive away sad thoughts. Make a personal agreement - you will allow yourself to cry and even cry out loud for just one hour a week. Women's tears are an amazing thing; when they dry, they take away the darkness and, like the wind, dispel the clouds.
The deferment method will help you focus on everyday problems. The most important thing is that you have a meaning in life - your child, who needs your love now more than ever.
How to maintain common sense?
Parents often lose sight of the fact that they are ending a marriage, not separating from their children. To avoid mistakes during a divorce, you need to remember: they will be joint organizers, advisers, mentors, educators for daughters and sons.
When adults understand that in the long term they need to be involved in the child's school life, organizing birthdays and graduations, they are motivated to cooperate normally.
Good interaction between ex-spouses and children involves the transfer of important information, interest, and attention to the problems of others. The consequences of words and actions , whether intentional or accidental, must be taken into account. You need to make sure that the desires and needs of other people are taken into account.
The way to make sure there is no sabotage is to ask yourself: “What result do I want to achieve from communication?” If the answer does not involve the idea of “burning bridges completely,” the ex-spouse will refrain from rudeness, criticism, and accusations.
To prevent irreparable mistakes, it is necessary to act from the consideration that the well-being of children is a top priority . Wisdom implies that one is aware of the likely long-term effects of words and actions on the mental health of a small individual.
This is not your war
Whatever he plays now, whatever he does now, whoever he stays with, and whatever he says, it doesn’t concern you. It's not your problem anymore. Of course, he can call and ask in a special voice “what kind of demonstrations? Why did you unfriend me on all the networks?” to which you need to answer in a clear voice “and this is so that you don’t see my locks, of course.”
If he wants to communicate with children, let them communicate directly. Doesn't your child have a phone? Let him buy it. This is not your problem.
Adult mistakes and their psychological consequences for children
After a divorce, ex-spouses often build an incorrect model of interaction between themselves and their children. Typical mistakes of former partners and their consequences are described below.
Problem : Adults do not listen or hear children. While sorting things out, they forget about the worries, problems, difficulties, and experiences of children and teenagers. They do not encourage children to talk openly about their thoughts, desires, and moods. They are confident that everything is fine with the offspring, despite the lack of attempts to obtain evidence.
Consequence : Feeling of one’s own “uselessness”, low self-esteem. The desire to gain the attention of parents in a non-functional way (for example, using symptoms of illness). An attempt to find attention to one’s own personality among peers, joining antisocial youth groups.
Problem : A divorced parent is trying to erase the past. He is focused on building the future, while neglecting the feelings of the heir. He is not interested in the child maintaining a strong relationship with his ex-partner.
Consequence : The child feels superfluous to the parent with whom he lives. The teenager begins to argue, refuses to fulfill the adult’s fair demands, and acts out of spite, contrary to the voice of reason. A boy or girl loses interest in studies, sports, and hobbies. The boy makes attempts to get closer to his other parents, behaves demonstratively, feignedly.
Problem : Throwing mud at your ex-spouse. Trying to get kids to take their side. Blaming, ridiculing, criticizing another person within earshot of the guys. Using toddlers and teenagers to make your ex angry.
Consequence : Acceptance of either the prosecution or the accused. Depending on the choice of the “authoritative person,” the child shows disrespect and contempt for the other parent. The personal portrait of a teenager changes. He becomes rude, hostile, and confrontational. Problems arise in children's groups. Brought up in an environment of baseless accusations and humiliation of other people, the child becomes the instigator of bullying and initiates bullying of weak classmates.
Problem : Overt messages or hints with context that the child is to blame for the parents' divorce.
Consequence : Development of depressive disorders. In adolescence, ideas of guilt are the cause of suicidal behavior. The self-esteem of a boy or girl suffers significantly. A person who is convinced of his own guilt does not succeed in life, because he is confident that he lacks the ability to implement a worthwhile project.
Problem : Withholding information. Hiding significant events or important issues from children.
Consequence : The child withdraws into himself and refuses to communicate with peers. His efforts are aimed at searching for traits in his own personality that can explain mistrust on the part of his parents.
Be with your children as much as you can
According to the airplane principle - put an oxygen mask on 1. yourself 2. on the child. Even if these are students who knew almost all of dad's quirks, your decision to leave is sad and traumatic for them, like a fire made of their children's toys.
“So everything I learned from them doesn’t work?” It is clear that they are freaking out. Another question is that you cannot be made a drain pipe for this negativity. Use the “okay, kids, I’m going to make your mother” method and come cheerful and energetic. And fill the gap with grandma, nanny or his turn.
Is it all mom's fault again? I’ll go alone to the kitchen to drink coffee. I’m going through a divorce, I’m worried, and you sit alone. Have you woken up? Let's eat ice cream? or shall we go to the bathroom and throw paint?
It is also useful to hang a punching bag in the house. All of you have aggression through the roof right now, it’s good to have somewhere to put it to good use. And the children, looking at their mother screaming and hitting a pear with a mop, will stop considering their mother boring. Even if such a thought could creep in on them - after all, a person is in a state of constant self-control: “No, I’m not crying. I will not die. I have things to do. So, let's go to kindergarten...” usually looks just that gray and boring.
If you find an opportunity to go somewhere with your children, consider your strength and decide who you will put the oxygen mask on. If yours is already in place, then we take care of the children. Maybe blame part of the trip on someone else and only take half of it for yourself. But you have to give half of it to the children - it’s very scary to feel that your second parent is leaving you.
Create a comfort zone for children
Children react sensitively to the emotional background around them. If mom is depressed, often wipes away her tears, and dad doesn’t come, this is the collapse of the world. It is difficult for a child to cope with inexplicable anxiety; he becomes capricious or becomes silent.
Try to explain to the little man that everything cannot remain the same, but this is not his fault, it is you, the adults, who were unable to agree. Dad, despite the fact that he does not live in the same house with you, will still be nearby. No matter how much you would like to follow your emotions and say nasty things about your ex-husband, for the sake of your children’s health, don’t do it.
Don’t ignore the kids’ questions and requests, support them, praise them for successes, and gently reprimand them for their mistakes. Peace and prosperity should reign in your little family.
Time will put everything in its place, but for now the children should feel protected, on both sides. Convince your children that everything will be fine, but first, believe in it yourself.
