Why do we feel loneliness even when in a relationship?

3 2852 November 20, 2021 at 05:20 Author of the publication: Marina Golomolzina, journalist

Every person knows the feeling of loneliness, and it is different for everyone. This could be the loneliness of a woman or a man waiting for a relationship. Or the loneliness of a person who finds himself in an unusual place, far from his family and friends. Or there may be a constant state of loneliness, when even among people and surrounded by loved ones a person feels lonely. This is loneliness, from which neither friendship, nor marriage, nor teamwork can save you.

As a rule, the feeling of loneliness is a source of discomfort for a person. He may experience melancholy, despair from the feeling of being useless, and even depression.

Why is this so? Why doesn't a person enjoy life alone? What is loneliness? What are the types of loneliness? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan answers these and many other questions, and also helps to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness forever.

We feel lonely when it is difficult to have an open and honest conversation with our partner.

Even if you consider your partner to be the closest person, you may experience loneliness. This is what happens when he “doesn’t hear” you in conversations. For example: you say that some of his everyday habits complicate his life, and ask him not to do this. He listens to you, discusses them with you, but doesn’t even try to do anything. Or when you are trying to discuss something important with him, but at this time he prefers to scroll through his social network feed, periodically getting distracted and “ying assent” to your words.

Loneliness also occurs when it is difficult to have an open and honest conversation with a partner. You constantly have to hold something back, choose the right words, and also wait for the right time and opportunity to discuss something. Sadness and a feeling of distance appear if he reacts to your openness with sarcasm, claims that you are talking nonsense or condemns. It is especially difficult to be open when your partner is hot-tempered. We have already discussed how to communicate with this type of people in this article.

In this case, you both need to learn how to handle “difficult” conversations and talk to each other more often. Tell him how you feel, how it could be fixed, what you want in a relationship and what is preventing you from feeling comfortable right now.

Understanding the reasons means getting rid of loneliness

Understanding your inner workings helps overcome feelings of loneliness. Thus, people with a visual vector, instead of suffering alone, begin to actively create emotional connections. Realizing that feelings and emotions are the meaning of their life, they make the most of their potential. And the highest connection they can create in this world is love. When you truly love, you are not afraid to be alone, because you yourself take responsibility for creating a connection with a person. If you want to receive something, first give what you want to receive. If you don’t want to live alone, take a step towards a person.

And even if there has been a serious loss of a loved one, such owners of the visual vector do not linger alone for years, getting lost in a state of melancholy. For a while they are really sad and cry, because sadness is also an emotion, only lighter than melancholy. But they know that the best way to get out of prolonged loneliness is to simply start communicating, loving, creating emotional connections again, that is, bringing their emotions out. After all, loneliness arises only when a person focuses exclusively on himself and stops noticing those who need him.

For a sound engineer, this conclusion is less obvious, because loneliness is desirable for him. He seeks it, strives for it, taking refuge in it from the bustle and noise of modern city life. And often only system-vector psychology helps this deep introvert to extrovert, to reveal the joy of communication and the happiness of knowing another person. And then it becomes desirable to discover another person, his inner world, his mental structure. This becomes an important step in overcoming loneliness.

No one else suffers as much from loneliness as the sound artist, who feels global loneliness in this world. It was his ancestor with the sound vector who was once the first to feel his uniqueness and separation from the world. And the modern sound engineer is the biggest egocentric, focused on himself, not even wanting to know about other people and feeling his superiority over them.

But no one else, except the owner of the sound vector, is capable of potentially feeling such strong pleasure from creating a connection with another person. The connection it creates is special - a sonic, spiritual, connection between souls, based on understanding the other person as oneself. This is the feeling of his desires as your own. The creation of such a connection is possible only through the disclosure of human vectors, his psyche, which is provided by system-vector psychology. Such a connection helps to cope with global loneliness forever.

You spend little time together living under the same roof

A feeling of loneliness arises if you live together, but are constantly “being apart” - for example, he is tinkering in the garage, and you are in the kitchen, and after that you go to bed. Many couples do not share their impressions of the past day or do anything together.

To cope with loneliness due to lack of communication with your partner, you must definitely talk to him about it. Together, you need to figure out what you can do to spend more time together. For example, he can help you with cooking in the kitchen, and you can help him with his business. Add joint activities to your daily schedule: walks after work, watching TV series, board games. Of course, no one says that you need to be side by side 24 hours a day, but paying attention to each other in a healthy relationship is necessary.

Also, if you are constantly browsing social networks instead of communicating with each other, it can cause feelings of loneliness. A study by Brian Primack published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that people who spend more than two hours a day on social media are twice as likely to feel lonely as those who spend half an hour on social media sites. Therefore, it is worth thinking about spending more time in reality.

And constantly using a smartphone or computer is often a way to escape from problems when you don’t know what to talk about or what to do. You need to learn together to find “common ground” and activities that will be interesting to both of you.

How to deal with the situation

In order to restore mental balance, to feel not alone, but harmoniously, even without a partner, to be able to find a common language with everyone around you, it is enough to perform a rather simple manipulation of a psychological nature: to work through this internal feeling of uselessness, which was inherent almost in childhood.

The process of establishing psychological contact with parents should be carried out. Moreover, physical contact with them is not always required. In real life, relationships may not change at all. But after working on yourself, you can feel calmer, more holistic and more fulfilled. After this, a person will calm down inside, feel more mature and will be able to build more harmonious relationships with others based on the type of exchange, rather than looking for those who can plug the hole of loneliness in the soul.

An effective self-help practice that helps in this case is as follows:

1. Letter practice . You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is take a piece of paper and a pen and write letters to mom and dad, pouring out absolutely all the complaints that you have accumulated throughout your life. Everything you remember. Don't analyze. In the first days it may not work out well, but over time the feelings will rise and you will be able to free yourself from the burden. Just write every day.
2. Keep a reflective journal . Every day, write down your feelings and emotions: what offended you, what scared you and what upset you.

There are several reasons for painful loneliness. External is laziness to look for a partner, friends, hobbies and passions. A person just sits at home and nothing happens in his life month after month. Then the realization comes that this is complete loneliness. Action is needed here.

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Or a person goes on dates, invites friends, but the meetings do not produce results. Then you need to learn to communicate, make friends, trust. This is a matter of technology.

An internal cause is the presence of psychological trauma, which in the present moment significantly affects the quality of life, reactions, mood, and behavior. Against the background of trauma, a person may be afraid of intimacy, remain abandoned, rejected and betrayed, and experience this pain again. And you can’t handle this on your own: you need the help of a specialist.

Long separation

When our partner is away for a long time, we may feel lonely, and this is quite normal. Very often, such emotions manifest themselves in people whose careers involve business trips or shift work.

To support your partner during a long separation, you need to show your love more often. For example, call or send encouraging messages with a touching text. The way you and your partner communicate via text can reveal a lot about your relationship.

If you have the opportunity to “see each other” via video call, be sure to use it - such communication better allows you to express emotions. And if you are forced to spend the holidays away from each other, use delivery services so as not to leave your other half without a gift.

Individual emotional problems of each of you

Depression, psychological difficulties or constant stress can lead to loneliness in relationships.

The first step is to talk to your partner about how you feel. If during a conversation he can point out specific examples of how he regularly tries to make you feel satisfied, but you still can't shake the feeling of loneliness, this may be related to your emotional state. You should consult a doctor to find out the causes of psychological problems, or first try to analyze on your own why you feel this way.

If your partner admits to you that he feels lonely because of depression, the best thing you can do for him is to support him emotionally and physically. You can talk about what's bothering him more often. You can also suggest that he see a therapist to figure out why he feels this way.

Loneliness and alcohol

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Recently, scientists in Finland conducted a series of studies that gave disappointing results. It turned out that a state of loneliness for a person significantly increases the risk of dying from diseases caused by alcoholism. The conclusions were made by analyzing information on the causes of death of people who died in Finland since 2000. It turned out that approximately two thirds of victims of alcohol abuse - due to liver disease, cardiovascular disease, accidents or as a result of violence - were lonely people. But what is, perhaps, the most important and dangerous thing is that the number of deaths for these reasons, if we trace the dynamics over the past seven years, has increased greatly and the arrow of the graph is still inexorable, growing upward. Thus, according to scientists, between 2000 and 2003, people living alone were almost four times more likely to die from alcohol-related liver disease than their married peers. Between 2004 and 2007, the risk of becoming a victim of alcohol increased, and single people were almost five times more likely to die from liver disease. It is obvious that lonely people are more likely than others to die from diseases caused by alcohol consumption, since problems in relationships with other people often lead to addiction to alcohol. What is the connection between alcohol and loneliness? Is it possible to say exactly which of them is the cause and which the effect? Is there any universal solution to both problems?

Loneliness? What kind of “beast” is this? Loneliness is a socio-psychological phenomenon, an emotional state of a person associated with the lack of close, long-term emotional connections with people. At the same time, psychologists tend to distinguish between two different phenomena within the framework of this concept. Positive loneliness is solitude and negative loneliness is isolation. But still, on what issue all psychologists will agree is the issue of the negative impact of loneliness on a person in general. Lack of communication not only makes a person unhappy, but also negatively affects the health of his soul and body. In the absence of constant social contacts, the human body, as numerous studies show, reacts quite negatively. A person’s blood pressure systematically increases, cardiovascular diseases occur, the body is in a state of stress for a long time, a feeling of chronic fatigue occurs, etc. and so on. As a result, willpower and perseverance decrease, which in turn affects the ability to maintain a healthy lifestyle. In other words, a lonely person’s control over his behavior decreases, he becomes “not caring.”

Therefore, lonely people have relatively poor health. They exercise less often, consume more calories, tend to indulge in sweets more often than others, relax at the end of the day with one or two glasses of whiskey, and the first and second glasses are followed by a third, etc., in the end, lonely a person can drink and go on a drinking binge. Alcohol in this case becomes a means of some consolation. Many alcoholics say “I drink to forget” as the main reason for drinking alcohol.

Alcoholism . This is a disease, a type of substance abuse, characterized by a person’s painful addiction to alcohol. As a result of prolonged consumption of alcohol, a person develops both physical and mental dependence on it. The causes of alcoholism can be very different. In any case, regardless of them, the human body and its soul suffer from excessive alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a poison that can destroy not only the human body, but its entire life. A person's personality is gradually destroyed. His moral, ethical, social image, and psyche are also subject to change. A distinctive feature in the behavior of a drinking person is excessive irritability, impulsiveness, and lack of a sense of control. The alcoholic loses his critical attitude towards himself, and a state of sobriety increasingly begins to be accompanied by symptoms of psychopathy. Alcohol kills both a person’s sense of self-preservation and the will to succeed in life. Gradually, the alcoholic loses his job, family, and friends. He becomes lonely. And in this case, how can you blame people who decide to refuse to communicate with such a person. The closest people, such as parents, spouses, children, of course, remain close to such a person, but over time they may also run out of patience. And a person, with the help of bottles, creates a wall around himself, isolating himself from others, remaining alone with alcohol.

What happens? In the first case, loneliness became the cause of alcoholism. The absence of any permanent positive social connections isolates a person from others. In this situation, a person’s mental state is subject to serious changes, that is, a weakening of will, perseverance, and a sense of control. The human soul feels pain. The person becomes “don’t care.” And then he loses interest in life. And alcohol in this case becomes in his imagination a medicine that can relieve him of the pain of loneliness. But this remedy only makes him sicker. Since alcoholism itself becomes a provocateur of human loneliness. An excessively drinking person, no matter how cheerful, sociable, and friendly he may be in life, changes under the influence of alcohol. Even the closest people can turn away from a drinking person. Isn’t it obvious that the cause of everything was man himself?

What to do? Just as physical pain is a signal of illness, loneliness is a signal, or better yet, a prompt to action. A person should strive to maintain social connections. In the modern world with developed communication technologies, it is extremely difficult to remain without communication. Numerous social networks allow us, even if we find ourselves in a place, country or city unfamiliar to us, to establish communication with loved ones, even via the Internet. Numerous psychological services can provide assistance in solving certain psychological problems that interfere with the establishment of those very social contacts. And alcohol is not a solution to the problem of loneliness; it can only make it worse.

Long breaks or lack of intimacy

Proximity plays a big role in establishing and maintaining a connection. When you live in the same house but are not physically together, it increases feelings of loneliness.

It is important to discuss why this happens. Don't jump to conclusions that he no longer loves you or that you no longer seem attractive.

Often the reason for the lack of sex can be fatigue due to a busy work schedule, or taking medications that reduce libido. Many couples turn to a sexologist or psychologist if they want to improve their intimate life.

And if the reason really lies in the fact that your partner has “burned out” towards you, think about whether it’s worth continuing the relationship.

Practices

Silent pause

This exercise, which can be done anywhere: on public transport, in a waiting room, in a queue or even in the office, will do you more good than a coffee break. It increases natural energy levels.

● Sitting with a straight back, look at one point straight in front of you (at a book, some object), without looking too closely at it. Yogis call this technique “looking without seeing.” Be attentive to what is happening inside you, to the quality of your breathing.

● Breathe calmly and measuredly, then relax your jaws, shoulders, and pelvis.

● Relax with each inhalation and as you exhale, say the word “peace.”

● Feel a sense of serenity come over you. When your thoughts begin to wander, bring them back to your breathing. Remain in this state of stillness for a few minutes, enjoying the quality of silence. Do this exercise as often as possible.

Feel the power in yourself

● Sit comfortably, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and relax your entire body. Continue to breathe and completely surrender to relaxation.

● As you relax, focus on your heart. Imagine this place of peace within you. This is the deepest part of your being. Rest longer in this place.

● Starting from your heart, ask the energy to circulate throughout your body.

● Feel the energy in your body and realize that you can direct this light flow towards others.

Lack of warmth and care

When the “candy-bouquet” period passes, we express our feelings a little more restrained. If this makes you feel lonely, talk to your partner about what you're missing.

But if coldness and aloofness suddenly appear in a relationship and you notice that your partner often behaves as if he frankly doesn’t care, you need to look for deeper reasons for this behavior. Analyze why this happens: perhaps you often quarrel, and your partner harbors resentment against you, or he does everything to end the relationship, but does not want to be the initiator of the breakup. Ask him honest and open questions that will lead to specific decisions and answers.

Radically different interests

If your habits, life goals or views on simple everyday details do not coincide, this causes discomfort and causes a feeling of loneliness. Agree, if your partner does not understand your principles, interests and hobbies, he cannot support you or talk about what interests you. And so do you towards him.

Indeed, building a comfortable life together if you love cleanliness, but he may well live in a cluttered space, is quite difficult.

To become closer and get rid of the feeling of alienation, you need to work on such relationships. You both need to form habits that lead to compromise. And also find themes and common ground. If things don't work out, consider whether it's worth continuing a relationship in which you can't come to an understanding.

Work on yourself

And yet something is missing. Because when the noise subsides and the scenery around us fades, our inner emptiness becomes obvious, and character flaws float to the surface.

And what do we do most often? We are trying to escape from ourselves, imperfect and unfilled, back into the crowd... as a rule, the same thirsty vessels. How can you satisfy your hunger? And so, day by day we become even more unhappy and lonely.

But it turns out that the space needs to be filled not around, but inside. Work on yourself, on your self-esteem and constantly strive for development. In order to face yourself, to recognize your own reflection and not be afraid, you need courage and fortitude. If you don’t understand and don’t love yourself, should you expect this from others?