Lovely

All people experience attachment. We feel a special connection with our loved ones, we single out someone from our environment for friendship. It is a feeling of close emotional connection with a person with whom you have something in common. When two people begin to build a relationship, it is quite normal to feel sympathy for each other and express it. A man is by nature less emotional, therefore he is rather stingy in expressing feelings, and a woman who is in love can sometimes “pull the blanket over herself,” trying to dissolve in her partner and trying to be nearby all the time. For a romance to have a happy continuation, it takes time to get to know your partner, so you shouldn’t get attached to a man at the beginning of a relationship.

What is attachment

Attachment and love are often confused and put on the same level, but this is wrong, since the first is a feeling that is somewhat akin to a habit, and the second is much broader and higher. We get used to our favorite things, so we can’t part with old sneakers or a cracked cup; familiar people seem nice to us, familiar places seem loved.

Attachment, like love, has many faces - these are interpersonal relationships between parents and children, friends, spouses. It gives us good emotions, gives us pleasure, a feeling of reliability and we want it to always be like this. But attachment is fraught with hidden danger if it develops too quickly or takes the form of dependence.

Each person experiences the need for intimacy and love differently and manifests it differently in relationships. Psychologists distinguish 4 types of attachment, which are formed in early childhood based on the child’s relationship with his mother or parents:

The reliable type is expressed in confidence in oneself, in one's partner and in the environment. People with this type do not need confirmation of their own importance; they tend to be emotionally open and form strong, equal relationships.
The anxious type is expressed in a negative perception of oneself, devaluation of one’s personality against the background of the environment. Such people are always tormented by jealousy; it seems to them that they are not good enough for their partner, while they really need constant approval and support.
The anxious-avoidant type is characterized by self-doubt. Such people suffer greatly from contradiction - they are looking for a relationship and are afraid of it, they distrust their partner, fearing to be abandoned.
The avoidant-rejecting type is expressed in excessive independence. People with this type of attachment play a “game of anticipation”, trying to be the first to break the connection, so as not to receive a painful blow to their pride in the event of separation.

Now it becomes clear that to create a strong and happy couple, both need to experience a secure type of attachment.

What are the features of this emotional state?

Many women associate dependence in a relationship with submission to a man, “serving” his interests and the loss of their own personality. Without a doubt this is true. However, these conditions are only a small part of the overall picture. A woman can be completely dependent, but at the same time not submit, but dominate.

Psychologists identify the following roles that a woman dependent on them can play in a relationship:

savior;
pursuer, huntress;
victim.

There are three main types called the Karpman triangle. Such socio-psychological roles are characteristic of any relationship between people, but with addiction they take on exaggerated forms.

Accordingly, how to get rid of psychological dependence on a man should begin with awareness of the problem and with defining your type and role.

What are the reasons for its occurrence in the process of relationship development?

A woman has a natural desire for guardianship and care. The further romantic feelings go, the more a woman strives to fill the life of her lover. The reasons that form “quick” attachment and force one person to hold on to another, literally entwining him, come from childhood.

If a girl did not receive enough maternal attention or experienced betrayal by adults, she will always have to experience the fear of being abandoned. Such a girl, becoming independent, will experience an anxious or anxious-avoidant type of attachment; it will become difficult for her not to become attached to a man at the beginning of a relationship.

Another reason for the development of a painful relationship in a couple is the negative experience of a love relationship. If a girl happens to be abandoned, perhaps even several times, in order not to become attached to a guy in a relationship, she will initiate a breakup herself. According to statistics, emotional partners, and these are usually women, more often than men fall into the trap of painful attachment.

Become an ideal partner

So how to learn to behave correctly? What to do to ensure peace and harmony reign in relationships? Here are some tips:

Be financially independent. You must have your own source of income. Even if you live happily ever after and die on the same day, and this source is not useful for independent survival, it will always remind you of freedom of choice. Your man will always know that you stay with him because you yourself want it, and not because otherwise you will die of hunger.
You should not only have work, hobbies and friends in common. And what will be left for you in the event of a breakup? Donut hole?
Always learn. No, I don’t encourage you to get three higher education degrees and a doctorate (although that’s probably not bad either). But it is simply necessary to develop, to learn something new in various industries, from cooking and interior design to the latest developments in nuclear physics and genetic engineering, so as not to turn into a whore, whose whole world comes down to TV series, manicure, knitting blouses, cooking borscht and meeting my husband from work in a starched apron.

What are the consequences of being attached to a man?

Attachment is built solely on attraction and selfishness; it forces us to demand from our partner full compliance with our needs. A woman, becoming attached to a man, wants constant attention to her person, which leads to destruction - this is the psychology of relationships.

Constant control, groundless jealousy, attempts at manipulation and subordination, far-fetched grievances - all these are links in one chain. Rarely anyone can withstand such pressure for a long time, so couples break up.

A painful attachment to a guy at the beginning of a relationship dooms both to suffering. Happy meetings are replaced by painful hours of doubts and worries that poison life. The result is a new traumatic breakup, decreased self-esteem, and self-rejection.

To become free – and therefore needed

In Lewis Carroll’s brilliant book “Alice Through the Looking Glass,” the Queen tells Alice: “... you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place! If you want to get to another place, then you need to run at least twice as fast!”

So, in order to simply remain an interesting woman, and not just an addition to your husband and the stove, you need to constantly “pump up” yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. This will help you avoid becoming a vague and uninteresting gray biomass. To not just stay, but to become better, you need to put in a lot more effort.

Take care of your body, go to exhibitions and the theater, read books, both fiction and specialized literature. If you can't learn from books, take courses in person or virtually. For example, the Universarium project offers a huge number of free courses and open lectures - from astronomy and chemistry to philology and cooking.

And only by becoming free, independent and interesting to yourself and those around you, do you have a chance to be close to the man of your dreams. Precisely because he wants to be with you, and you don’t hang on him and don’t let him take a step.

Happiness and good luck in your personal life! Subscribe to updates and be sure to share useful publications with your friends!

How not to get attached to a guy in a relationship

To avoid a negative scenario and not become attached to a man, you should reconsider your perception of your partner. If the formula looks like “I am you, you are me,” then it becomes clear that both individuals are subject to pressure from each other. Personal space for everyone is an inviolable territory.

Love yourself a little more than your partner, try to find and develop the best qualities in yourself. Take breaks in relationships: forced separations are beneficial. Do not throw yourself on the neck of the first person you meet - after the “fateful” meeting, enough time should pass to understand the person.

What can cause addiction to form?

Advice from psychologists on how to free yourself from love addiction to a man, as a rule, begins with an explanation of the need to identify the causes of the pathology that has arisen. It can, of course, only be determined individually.

The most common, main reasons for the tendency to depend on a partner, psychologists include the following:

difficult childhood - difficulties in the family, authoritarian mother, father's alcoholism or something similar;
parental divorce;
inability to define the boundaries of personal space - this is caused by growing up in cramped conditions, in a common room;
categoricalness and severity, a penchant for patterns - this is the legacy of a specific upbringing;
presence of psychological trauma.

Mental trauma can occur in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. As a rule, it is associated with severe disappointment, betrayal or death.

Advice from psychologists on getting rid of attachment to a guy

If a girl understands that she is beginning to experience a painful addiction, then in order not to become attached to a man, psychologists advise taking decisive action without waiting for a crisis:

Don't try to live by his interests. Remember how you spent your time before meeting him - what you filled your days with, who you talked to, what books you read. Don’t get lost in his background - don’t adapt to his lifestyle and habits.
Don’t look for a meeting with him every minute, don’t be intrusive, keep your distance. Reduce the number of calls and messages to a minimum.
Don’t try to control the situation and any move a man makes, don’t monitor his activity on social networks, get rid of your guardianship.
Chat with other men; make sure that the light does not converge like a wedge on just one. Get proof that you can be interesting to the opposite sex.
Don’t rush to join his circle of friends, don’t insist on meeting his family, and don’t be interested in past relationships.
Critically evaluate the object of your suffering - he probably has a lot of shortcomings, do not close your eyes to them.
Learn to tell yourself “stop” if your feelings start to get the better of you. Analyze the consequences, think about where this could lead you both.
If independent measures do not help, make an appointment with a psychologist. Sometimes addiction treatment requires a lot of work with a specialist.

There is a “we” in a relationship only when both want it. In order not to become attached to a man too quickly and too strongly at the beginning of a relationship, a woman should not invent her future, idealize her partner and lose self-respect.

We have compiled a rating of the best dating sites; if you dream of finding your love, we recommend that you look at the rating of the best.
View rating

How to cope?

How to get rid of addiction to a man? Is it possible to solve this problem on your own? Do you need the help of a psychotherapist? These and many other questions interest every woman who believes that she is dependent on her partner.

Psychologists advise approaching this problem step by step and rationally. This is very difficult; not every woman can “turn off” her emotions. For this reason, you may need help from other people. When talking with someone, it is much easier to abstract yourself from your experiences and look at the problem from the outside.

First you need to understand your socio-psychological role. They are rarely pure; as a rule, all three types of behavior are present, but one dominates, the second complements, and the third appears rarely, in exceptional situations. You can understand which role is the main one by analyzing an ordinary weekday; you should not think about reactions that arise in extreme situations.

After this stage, you need to begin analyzing characteristic sensations. For example, if a woman is a “victim,” what does she experience? Horror at the thought of separation? Fear of not ironing your shirt well enough? Is she afraid of the prospect of being abandoned or physically beaten? Is she unable to make decisions? Doesn't she want to be responsible herself? Does she consider herself unworthy of this particular man? Does it seem to her that her inner world is boring, but his is beautiful?

The list of questions is endless. Each woman has her own feelings and there are a lot of them. In order not to get confused in them, an initial definition of the social role is required. Based on the general enumeration of characteristics, we can identify the main, basic pathological emotions, for example, fear of loneliness.

After this, you need to understand when and how these sensations appeared. As a rule, they are not caused by a man. He acted as an “alarm clock”, which raised already existing complexes, fears and inclinations from the depths of the subconscious. In other words, you should fight precisely with these psychological problems, and not with your partner.

Of course, further actions depend on what emotions the woman experiences. One needs to get rid of fears, another needs to get rid of the addiction to manic control, and the third needs to get rid of feelings of self-doubt.

This is a complete plan on how to get rid of emotional dependence on a man and not find yourself in it again. After all, as a rule, women make the same mistakes in their relationships with different men. Having experienced the pangs of parting with one person and having managed to meet a new love, ladies often fall into addiction again. The reason for this cyclicality is that they fought not with the causes of the phenomenon, but with its symptoms.

Don't rush to have sex

The rule that having sex on the first date is taboo has long been outdated. However, by rushing into physical intimacy, you risk falling in love faster. During sex, our body produces a whole cocktail of hormones that create a feeling of trust and affection. It is better if such emotions are caused by the real actions of a man, and not just by your orgasm.

Don't date his people

You shouldn't meet a guy's family and friends until you're sure of him. For many, the offer to introduce you to their loved ones already sounds like confirmation of the seriousness of the guy’s intentions. But this is not necessarily the case; maybe he easily brings new people into his circle without giving it much importance.

The more people involved in your relationship, the more likely you are to become attached to the person. If possible, at first stay away from his friends and especially his parents.

How to get rid of emotional dependence

There are several steps that will help you overcome your emotional dependence and learn to build sincere relationships built on love:

Photo by Alex Green: Pexels

acknowledge the presence of emotional dependence and understand that it is not so scary, it is just a problem that you need to work on to strengthen your relationship;
work on increasing your self-esteem - shift the priority of your partner’s opinion to your own opinion about yourself, praise yourself more often and support yourself;
analyze your goals and desires - which of them belong to you and which belong to the man;
learn to say “no”, it’s normal to not want something, and you don’t need to ask for forgiveness or look for excuses for it;
restore the lost part of your life - communication with friends, relatives, hobbies;
realize that independence and freedom are not a path to loneliness, but skills through which we are able to build strong, partnerships;
realize that your life is not limited to one role (wife, mother or lover) - you are a complex, multifaceted personality who has many roles and in each you can be fulfilled;
learn to make decisions and take responsibility for your life - first in small things, then in more and more serious matters;
remember what you dreamed of, what you wanted to learn, what you wanted to try new - do it, preferably on your own, without trying to involve your partner in this activity;

Photo by KoolShooters: Pexels

you learn to control your way of thinking - when negative emotions, fears, jealousy appear, do not let them take over you, remind yourself what the reason for these thoughts is, because it is in your childhood experience, and not in the behavior of a man;
don’t be afraid to ask a man for help - talk about your feelings, problems, reasons for your jealous or controlling behavior.

Don't ignore red flags

Try not to justify his shortcomings, but to boldly look at them and decide whether you could put up with them or not. There are many signs that will tell you that you should not fall in love with this guy, and you can notice them already on the first date.

The very fact that you see flaws in a person indicates that you are able to maintain sober thinking. Think about them whenever you are tempted to fantasize about your future together.