Nonverbal signs of communication between a man and a woman - how to distinguish them and why is it beneficial for us to know about them?

Good day, dear readers of my blog! What most often happens is that we pay more attention to a person’s gestures, facial expressions and posture than to his words, because they are true and difficult to fake. We read this information most often unconsciously; I talked about the main points in my blog “What is nonverbal communication and how to recognize a person’s emotional state.” But today I decided to delve a little deeper into the topic and provide you with an article about how nonverbal communication between a man and a woman occurs and what it is like.

Relationships are a very complex thing, and sometimes it is very important to understand its nuances. In addition, this information will be useful on a date, because the first impression settles very deeply in perception, and it is very difficult to change it later.

Difference table

It's no secret that men and women are very different. They perceive information differently, they have different needs, views on life, thinking, gestures and facial expressions. Let's take a closer look at this difference in the table:

Which of us has a greater need for communication?

Already from early childhood, girls have a greater need for communication than boys. Over the years, this trend has continued. Representatives of the fair sex are superior to men in verbal abilities. They have a richer vocabulary and faster speaking speed.

The main thing in communication for men is to achieve results as quickly as possible. That is why in a conversation they tend to speak to the point, starting the conversation with important points. For representatives of the stronger sex, logical, consistent and well-reasoned statements are important. They do not like lengthy discussions and abstract conversations. Women prefer to have a long conversation, giving a large number of examples. They like to find out the truth during the conversation, asking a large number of questions.

A very important point, which quite often leads to conflict situations, is that when a man is busy with something, he will not carry on the conversation. It is natural for women to multitask and discuss the latest news. Men always focus on performing one type of activity; they cannot distribute their attention. Women need to take this into account. If a man is busy, then it is better to postpone the conversation with him.

Manifestations in men

• If a guy wants to please, or shows interest, he straightens his shoulders, sucks in his stomach and raises his head. He may begin to unknowingly tidy himself up by straightening his hair or his shirt collar. When the opportunity arises, he looks for an opportunity to be closer, and in a large company, the toes of his shoes will be turned towards you. He might accidentally touch you, your hair or your hand.
• Recognizing love is not difficult. It is worth taking a closer look at his pupils in a room where there is natural light; if they are dilated, you were able to conquer him. His gaze periodically looks away when you look at him. It’s just important to understand the difference between boredom and the desire to hide their feelings towards you. When meeting, he may subtly raise one or both eyebrows upward.
• If, when communicating with you, he spreads his legs wide apart, unbuttons the top button of his shirt, glances over his figure and looks carefully at his lips, then this signals an increased interest in you, only of a sexual nature.
• Think about what mistake you made if the man next to you begins to yawn, invite other interlocutors to talk, and periodically glances at his watch or phone. An unfocused look, toes of shoes turned towards the exit, fidgeting in a chair or nervously tapping his fingers on the table are signals that he can’t wait to leave your company.

The role of a woman in the art of emotional conversation

A woman always sets the tone in a relationship. She is desirable, and the man goes where she unconsciously attracts him. Therefore, starting a sincere, sincere conversation, that is, being naked mentally, is easier and more natural for a woman. It is much easier for her than for a man to be open. This does not mean the exchange of rational information (paying bills, shopping, vacation plans), we need this in everyday life, but this does not apply to creating an emotional connection.

By starting to talk about herself, about her feelings, sharing her innermost things, a woman involves a man in confidential communication. And he responds, responds with frankness to frankness, because this is always a mutual process.

At the same time, you should not be afraid to express yourself the way you feel, the way you want, even if there is no such attitude on the other side yet. The man will gradually get involved. You walk forward and he follows you.

The rapprochement of souls occurs gradually; you should not start with difficult and painful revelations. Let intimacy begin first. It’s better to start with some innocent but dear childhood memories, perhaps related to food, or children’s secrets. This will naturally relieve some of the initial tension of revealing the secret. Give the man the opportunity to answer, to open up himself, to speak. Listen to him, focus on him. Let him know how much you appreciate his sincerity.

Gradually you will feel trust and will be able to share even more intimate things and inner states. This is especially important for carriers of the sound-visual bundle of vectors, for whom mental and intellectual connections are the most important in life.

Manifestations in a woman

• Signs of sympathy are more pronounced - in addition to dilated pupils, girls’ cheeks often turn red, they linger longer on the person they like, they can lick their lips, preen themselves, and make slips of the tongue in a conversation. The mood is lifted, sometimes they even laugh at bad jokes, they can copy a pose, quite unconsciously wanting to be “on the same wavelength.” She crosses her legs so that you can appreciate her thigh; if you are sitting next to her, she may touch you with her shoulder, as if by chance. If her toes are turned towards you, but at that moment she is flirting with another guy, it is likely that she wants to make you jealous, or to check your reaction, how much you liked her.
• When there is sexual interest, the girl casually, at the slightest opportunity, examines the guy’s figure. He may do this demonstratively, but for some reason this gaze often remains unrecognized.
• A sign that she is not at all interested in your communication or is already quite tired of it is the same as with guys. The girl will show interest in everything, but not in you, she may yawn, cover her mouth with her palm, as if supporting her chin and cheek. If, in addition to all the signs, her posture is completely closed, with her arms or legs crossed, then nothing good will come of it at the moment.

The important point is that most of the signs must be present at the same time, otherwise, it is likely that the interest will turn out to be false or not directed at you.

There are times when a girl’s eyes light up, there is a happy smile and her pupils are dilated just because she just recently had a meeting with another person.

Tips for Better Communication

1) Communicate regularly

Don't wait until conflict arises to determine how you will respond. Make it a regular part of your day to communicate with your partner. You don't need to say much, start by asking simple questions and encourage your partner to answer in a way that you understand. Take turns talking, by doing this you begin to learn to respect each other's point of view and practice your listening skills.

2) Listen carefully

Show your partner your undivided attention. Make sure that the noise in your environment is kept to a minimum, turn off the TV, put away your cell phone, in general, you need to disconnect from all distractions. Pay attention to the details, your partner will give you "key words" to help you understand. Listening carefully is a great way to show love and respect.

Recommendations for women

1. In a conversation, try to start with the main thing, and only then move on to the details, because you may well cause irritation with a long story. A guy’s type of thinking is such that when he hears about a problem, he immediately needs to look for a solution, while a girl sometimes just needs to talk it out.
2. You should walk towards or next to him with a straight back and raised head, just don’t overdo it so that he doesn’t consider you arrogant and arrogant. Movements should be free and relaxed, in which case you will give the impression of a confident woman.
3. It is possible to show that you have sympathy with the help of a non-verbal invitation to your personal space - move closer to him, reducing the distance between you, lightly touch him with your shoulder or fingertips in conversation, and also tilt your body closer to him, this will create a feeling of closeness .
4. Repeat his pose, just not often, not demonstratively, but casually, thereby creating an environment for trust. Adjust your hair occasionally and smile sincerely. You can read how to do this in the article “The most interesting features of nonverbal communication between people.”
5. Try to be natural; you should not use all seduction techniques at the same time, otherwise this may cause completely opposite feelings in your interlocutor.
6. When you want to express your point of view, start with the phrase “I think” instead of using “I feel”, this will give the words more weight, then they will listen to you. After all, as you know, the weak half of humanity is distinguished by its emotionality, its tendency to make decisions under the influence of feelings, relying on intuition, while the strong half is guided by logic.

“Understand me”: why men and women often do not understand each other

Communications Carol Fleming December 21, 2021

Photo: rawpixel / Unsplash
Editorial. Why do women and men often have problems communicating with each other? The fact is that they are used to speaking and expressing their thoughts differently, says the author of the book “It’s Easy to Speak! How to become a pleasant conversationalist by communicating with confidence and ease” and communication skills specialist Carol Fleming. We are publishing a chapter from the book (a translation of the book is coming out this winter from Mann, Ivanov and Ferber) in which Fleming explains how to maintain the right communication strategy regardless of the gender differences of the interlocutor.

You've probably noticed that men and women speak differently, and the differences are great. We have heard desperate groans about this more than once. We think we speak the same language (it sounds like the same language), but we wonder why men and women so often cannot understand each other.

The way men and women communicate always brings us back to the problem associated with our biological nature. For centuries, men showed dominance when communicating with each other, while women, when talking to each other, showed mutual concern and protected friendships. These differences in communication styles often lead to misunderstandings between men and women.

Protocol and harmony, duel and duet

A lot of research has been devoted to the differences between male and female speech, in particular the work of Deborah Tannen. Tannen coined the term genderlect to describe the differences between male and female communication styles: “there is no right and wrong, worse and better; They're just different."

When communicating with each other, men usually try to prove their superiority. They often disagree, make fun of each other and tease each other. Men seem to like to compete for status, so they take positions of authority or expertise to put themselves above others and so that no one can interrupt them. (Have you ever heard of a "condescending tone"?)

Women's conversations are noticeably different, since they try to stay on an equal footing and do not strive to lead the conversation. Women have a deep need to connect. They worry about how their words affect others and also think about building and maintaining relationships. They smile often and easily express friendliness and sympathy.

Biolinguist John Locke, in his book Duels and Duets: Why Men and Women Talk So Dierently, focused on the reasons for the differences in male and female communication. He discovered that the purpose of the verbal behavior of men and women was to influence people of the same sex: “Ancient biological predispositions differed because our ancestors, men and women, competed for the things they wanted in two fundamentally different ways; they are two separate evolutionary trajectories.”

The main rule of male communication is: “Do everything to appear the best - the strongest and smartest, the most courageous and resourceful.” Locke called this style of communication the duel.

Women, on the contrary, do everything to maintain harmony in society - they perform as a duet. During a duet, you exchange something very personal (thoughts and feelings), and it arises only with close communication and mutual trust of the interlocutors.

In the same way, Tannen designated the male conversational style as the “language of protocol”, and the female one as the “language of harmony.” The main differences relate to dominance (for men) and maintenance of relationships (for women). Imagine a cross, where the horizontal line is the female line of equal relationships, and the vertical line is the male tendency to dominate.

Tannen argues that we should view communication between men and women as intercultural. She advises keeping this in mind to achieve mutual understanding and avoid problems. The fact is that men and women develop communicative characteristics that facilitate communication with their own sex, and not with the opposite. When communicating with each other, men and women talk to people of the opposite sex in the same way as to members of their own. They have no other method of communication that they can freely use in conversations with each other. Misunderstandings occur because society expects us to behave for which evolution has not prepared us.

Men and women at work

Regarding communication at work, Tannen noted that in those professions where men have held leadership positions for centuries, their own norm of relations between men has already been established. Hire a woman for this job who is willing to communicate as an equal and compete for leadership positions. What do you think will happen next?

There's no need to guess too much here, right?

Look at the titles of self-help books in the bookstore. A very large part is intended for a female audience.

What interesting things will we see in these books?

— All the authors write that women need to work on what they say, how they say and how they look when they speak - in general, on their communication skills.

— All authors believe that women should improve themselves in order to fit into the world. (No one, of course, writes about this directly, but I can read between the lines.)

— All the books are written by women, mostly candidates of science in the field of communication skills, like me.

“About 95% of the research in one of the books I flipped through was done by women.” The remaining 5% are links to Webster's dictionary or some research institute. I haven't found a single male study...

It seems that women's problems concern only them. And to put it in a nutshell, their main difficulty is that they don’t talk like men.

My consultations and work confirm the existence of this problem. My clients often complain that at work they are perceived as less competent and reliable than they really are. They come to me to learn how to increase their authority in the eyes of their colleagues. So I interviewed 35 senior executives in San Francisco (30 men and 5 women) and asked them all one question: “It is often said that women's communication styles are the reason they do not hold senior positions in corporations. I am developing a communication skills course for women in senior positions. Based on your experience, what do you think I should include in this?”

In short, after studying numerous answers (it was a question with no answer options!), I came to the following conclusions.

— Men consider it a problem that a woman’s manner of speech (especially her voice) is different from a man’s.

“Men don’t like it when women behave like men.”

Here's what Tannen says about the price women pay for not conforming to cultural expectations:

“If [women] talk like men, act assertive and confident, and talk about their accomplishments in order to be appreciated, they risk intimidating everyone around them. If they don’t live up to society’s expectations, people won’t like them and many will even think they have psychological problems.”

Comments from female leaders confirmed my first conclusion. According to them, when women exhibit verbal behaviors that are considered feminine (such as screaming for joy, squealing with delight, and talking too much), they are reacted to negatively.

Voice frequency problem

A man's voice usually has a frequency range of 80–180 vibrations per second (hertz), a woman's voice 165–255, and a child's voice 250–400. When people are anxious, their vocal cords become more tense and their voice pitch rises. To express contempt for this speech behavior, a man will say, “You sound like a woman!” What could be worse?! And if you are a woman and speak in the higher frequencies, they may say to you: “You sound like a child!” Now you know what could be worse. This will certainly not work to your advantage in the business and professional world...

Some advice for women who want to change the way they communicate and achieve success in their careers:

- Realize in what situations you talk and behave like a schoolgirl. You may find it difficult to notice these things on your own, so consider working with a professional speech coach. Women can achieve a lot in business and career. Don't let speech habits from school prevent you from reaching these heights. People can speak differently depending on who they are communicating with and what interests they are pursuing.

— This point is a little more complicated. Communication between a man and a woman can have a double bottom. Both sides send their signals, although they are not always aware of this. If you don't like something, listen to your intuition. Our instinct has been working perfectly since ancient times. If you are new to floor games, you may not hear the tom-toms. If necessary, share your suspicions with an older woman.

What about men?

Men, did you know that the cause of many of your communication problems is the manner of speech you acquired in school?

Speak in a low voice, slowly and not too much. Your deep voice is not always heard well in noisy environments, especially in a restaurant. You want to be heard and tense your vocal cords, but you forget about articulation. Big and strong men usually do not strive for expressiveness, so their speech often sounds unintelligible...

I think the advice “don't talk too much” describes your reluctance to talk about yourself. Men explain this reluctance by the fact that, in their opinion, no one is interested in hearing about them and their stories only tire everyone... Try it and see what those around you answer.

Just out of curiosity, I entered the query “how to talk to a woman” into the search engine. You can guess what I saw: millions of pages of seduction tips. When I wrote “how to talk to a man,” I discovered that all the advice for women was devoted to the ability to impress. One article said that when communicating with a man, I should:

- constantly smile and giggle;

- make a fool of yourself and play with your hair;

- make eyes often (once is not enough!);

- find a reason to touch a man.

I found answers to my questions, went off the Internet and thought about it. Most of my clients wanted men to respect them and listen to their opinions. Which advice above will help them gain respect? I raised this question because I have seen more than once how young women diligently try to speak in an authoritative and threatening manner, while at the same time they themselves fidget with their necklaces, throw their hair back and look with a misty gaze. What signals do you think they are sending to others?

So here's my advice to young women: If you have a career counselor who helps you achieve professional growth, he will tell you in detail about serious appearance, emotionality and aggression. At the same time, you will receive a lot of advice (primarily from representatives of the beauty industry) that you should always remain eighteen. It doesn't matter whether you follow these recommendations or not, just keep this in mind.

And now my advice to young men: remember that the main skill you develop for future professional growth is the ability to carry on idle conversation. No one else will tell you this, so keep your head up. When we talk about all these communication issues, we forget that men and women like each other for who they are, gender differences and all. If we can overcome our differences, we can enjoy the connection that our differences create. Listen to the sounds in a room where many people are talking. You will hear a roar of voices, in which there is a difference between women's shrill laughter and men's boisterous laughter. Close your eyes and just listen to the biological symphony of the human voice and the way people enjoy communicating with each other. This unintelligible but friendly hum is a casual conversation.

Recommendations for men

1. If you smile too often, you may be perceived suspiciously, therefore, as for the opposite sex, it is important to be able to laugh sincerely. If you remember, the psychology of the weaker sex is such that they easily read non-verbal information; this skill was inherent in nature so that the mother could recognize the needs of her baby. Therefore, the most basic recommendation is to be sincere.
2. When communicating, show as many open gestures as possible, which indicate a willingness to be honest and open. For example, don’t hide your palms, don’t cross your legs...
3. You should not keep your attention on other girls, otherwise the interlocutor will catch your gaze, which will not have a positive effect on the relationship.
4. There is a gesture that indicates your self-confidence and inner strength, it is called the “pyramid”, this is when the fingertips and palms are joined together. So, if you want to conquer your interlocutor and not give away your excitement, use it during meetings.
5. To make you more inclined to have an intimate relationship, you can use this technique: place your index finger on your lower lip, hold it for a couple of seconds, then lightly tap the lip a couple of times and remove it. This will cement the message and desire to move to a new level in the girl’s subconscious.
6. Listen carefully, try not to interrupt, lean your body forward slightly to demonstrate your interest.
7. You can put your thumbs behind the belt, and if you are sitting, keep your hands on your hips, or stretch your legs forward, this will create a feeling of your disposition towards the girl, as well as a manifestation of love and a demonstration of masculinity.

About the fear of betrayal

And sometimes we are afraid of betrayal. What if our openness is used to our detriment? What if our words and experiences become the subject of ridicule and discussion?

Here it is worth weighing the risk that we take by opening our soul (of course, not to the first person we meet, but to the person to whom we are attracted, with whom we want to build a relationship), and the pleasure from rapprochement, the unity of souls, which leads to the creation of truly happy relationships, including sexual ones. What could be greater pleasure from a spiritual connection with another person? It's worth the risk.

Moreover, the risk is not as great as we think. If you understand the person with whom you are building a relationship as well, and even better, than he understands himself. Even basic knowledge about the human psyche, obtained through training in system-vector psychology, makes this possible for everyone.

What pushes a man to be friends with a woman?

If a man offers friendship to a woman (Not “Alen” serving “Vaginal Parasites”), it is important to understand the problems that led such a man to this decision. We are talking about problems, and there can be many of them:

• The woman is not attractive enough, but she’ll be fine for friendly get-togethers. The classic answer to the question: “Will a guy communicate with a girl he doesn’t like”;
• Financial instability in life, which is easiest to hide at the friendship stage;
• Real problems with men's health, for example, with potency;
• Lack of own housing. A common problem due to which men get stuck at the friendship stage for a long time, which is not good;
• The uncertainty that usually settles in the minds of men after a failed relationship.

When a guy doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to communicate, and such communication drags on so much that the woman begins to get wrinkles before realizing that almost her whole life has passed her by, it’s difficult to call such a friendship... um... Friendship.