How to save a family is one of the most frequently asked questions today. And this is understandable, because according to official statistics, every second family breaks up. In the modern world, maintaining a family has become quite difficult. In order for a marriage not to break up, you need the desire of both spouses, enormous, painstaking daily work on yourself and your relationships. One of the most common reasons for divorce is misunderstanding between spouses, which over time develops into acute conflict situations and practically unsolvable personal problems. And to prevent this from happening, you should learn to competently build relationships in the family.
I want to save my family, what should I do? How often can you hear such a question from the lips of young, and not so young, girls. You can give them a lot of advice, but all of it will be in vain if the fundamental question is not resolved: is it worth saving the family? You need to answer this question honestly and understand what motives guide you. Maybe there has been no nepotism for a long time, the feelings are gone and people no longer have anything in common?
If you still decide to save your family, then the tips below will help you with this.
How to maintain family relationships
There are many reasons for this need.
We will not touch on dangerous ones, such as: drunkenness, assault, drug or gaming addiction, etc. In such situations, the solution to the problem is long-term psychological work or divorce. Let's talk about simpler cases. Often the reasons for divorce are:
- Lack of attention. Lack of time for your partner and ignoring his needs can lead to discord.
- Excessive control. Jealousy or excessive guardianship also leads to unpleasant consequences.
- Failure to perform any duties. A classic example is a freeloader, a partner who takes on most of the resources without compensating for it.
- Routine. Young people after getting married and starting an independent life often think that the reason for their boredom is their partner.
- Treason.
What to do if you lack attention
Gary Chapman has a book called The Five Love Languages. It is about the fact that people express feelings in different ways: some - with words, some - with touches, some - by working from morning to night to provide the best for their family. And the mismatch in expression leads to the fact that both spouses feel that they lack attention and that care is not appreciated. Therefore, if you are sure that your partner’s love is lacking, do not rush. Perhaps this feeling arose due to a difference in perception. And if you talk to your spouse, the problem can be smoothed out.
There is another reason that also causes a feeling of constant lack of attention - its real lack. For example, a person needs a certain number of touches per day. But what if one has experience of violence and is afraid of being touched? Naturally, such a situation will become the basis of many problems. Its reason, even if voiced, is rarely fully understood by both spouses, which leads to misunderstanding and tension. Although with proper psychological work the problem can be solved.
Similar is the impact of psychological abuse: emotional blackmail, psychological dependence, or games such as those described by Eric Berne in Games People Play and Sex in Human Love. Such a relationship between parents leads to a child’s misconception of love. And having matured, he may begin to avoid emotional intimacy, not giving his partner the necessary attention. Many people hide their fear behind work, becoming workaholics. Some people mask the same problem by avoiding serious relationships. A person must cope with something like this on his own; it is impossible to help him without his desire. So, either take this feature of your partner into account and tolerate it, or get a divorce.
What to do about excessive control
The problem of excessive control, although it causes the most trouble for one, lies in both - more precisely in their low self-esteem. It’s just that for one person, lack of self-confidence and one’s neediness manifests itself in constant checks, while for another it manifests itself in permission to violate one’s internal boundaries.
The main remedy is family therapy. If both really want to change something. Both also need to develop as individuals, find a business in which success will help raise self-esteem.
What to do if you are exhausted by routine
Nowadays, household chores are not as scary as they were 100 or 20 years ago; to complete them, neither spouse needs to give up their social life. With an honest distribution of work, by getting married, you are more likely to free up time for interesting things. If you're bored, you may be ignoring your needs or simply don't know how to keep yourself busy. And it's not about the partner, but about you.
Those who complain about routine should write on a piece of paper how they imagine life apart from their spouse. Compare the list with reality (for example, the need to earn money and standard household chores) and re-read it again. It may turn out that the problem is not in your partner, but that you yourself are depriving yourself of interesting things by making excuses from your spouse or being afraid to defend your rights.
Part of the reason for the feeling of routine is the unrealistic expectations instilled by cinema: You expect to be entertained as if in a beautiful melodrama. Unfortunately, the main entertainer in your life is you.
How to save your family in case of betrayal
Surviving betrayal and keeping a family together is difficult for both men and women. Although, of course, a lot depends on the circumstances.
If the relationship is stable and provides what both spouses need, the appearance of a lover or casual relationship is excluded. Neither because of alcohol, nor because “men (or women) are created that way.” If betrayal has occurred, you need to look at who is missing what. But be careful with your wording, don’t ask questions like “what’s wrong with me?”, and under no circumstances make it personal. The answer will most likely make you feel bad, but will not bring you any closer to solving the problem. In addition, it is neither possible nor necessary to fully comply with the desires and ideas of another person.
The reason always lies in both. Even in the most hopeless case. For example, there are people who cannot live with one woman. Even after divorcing their wife and marrying their mistress, they immediately look for a new mistress. But his women allow this behavior. By the way, you can either come to terms with the type of men described above or divorce. After all, the root of their dissatisfaction is not in their loved ones, but in themselves.
Some justify going to their mistress by saying that their wife yells and nags. But for a normal person to just yell, he must have a clear feeling that he is not being heard. And attention to the wife's requests would reduce the number of harsh sounds.
Women are more emotional. It’s difficult for them to survive and forgive her husband while saving the family. Although for men, sex is more of a mechanical act that does not greatly affect feelings. But when a woman cheats, she is at least a little in love with her sexual partner.
Often the cause of a single offense on the part of both men and women is a lack of warmth and approval. Of course, the problem of forgiveness in this case does not become less acute, but it is possible to save the family. Unless, of course, the spouses do not create a guilt complex and remember each other’s needs.
And when sex on the side constantly serves as a way of self-affirmation, it is wiser to let your partner go.
Forgiveness in case of betrayal is a rather complicated process. Since the one who cheated goes into the category of people who have lost trust. And the person himself is usually humiliated by both the fact and the possible reaction of others. Existing feelings need to be expressed. And it’s better to yell several times than to sarcastically remind your partner of the fact for the rest of your life in any case. Usually a good help for a couple is the help of a psychologist.
If one spouse wants a divorce
When a couple is on the verge of divorce, but there is a mutual desire to save the marriage, the chances are greater than if only one of the spouses wants it. It's difficult to do anything alone, but not everything is so hopeless.
A partner who wants to save the relationship has the opportunity to change circumstances for the better. To do this, a woman needs:
- devote more time to a man so that he feels important in the life of his other half;
- worry about makeup, hairstyle, attractive clothes, figure;
- do not be annoying, let your spouse make decisions himself;
- try to rekindle his faded interest, help him see the woman he once fell in love with;
- forget about criticism and complaints.
To save the family, a man should:
- make a woman feel necessary, loved and valuable;
- understand what exactly your wife doesn’t like;
- give her what she lacks in the relationship;
- pay more attention, give compliments.
How to save a family on the verge of divorce: practical advice
Talk to your spouse
Most problems arise from a lack of trust, as well as a failure to communicate information to each other. If you want something or, conversely, don’t want it, don’t wait for your spouse to guess - say it yourself.
But it is important to submit the information correctly. For example, shouting “you never give me anything, not even flowers!” will not lead to the appearance of roses in the house. But the phrase “I would be glad to see flowers” has a chance of success.
Correct wording makes it easier to determine the causes of discord. Questions like “what’s wrong with me?”, even if answered with a sincere attempt to understand, leave a taste of resentment. And the position “how can I please you” (combined with an open and calm expression of one’s desires) can lead to a gradual reduction in tension.
Try to avoid questions in your communication with answers that imply insulting you or your partner. These include the usual “Am I fat?” or the worst version, “Do I look like a cow?”, or “Why couldn’t you be such an idiot?” The simplest reaction to them will inevitably lead to a quarrel, only because people rarely think about what they say.
Try to introduce a tradition in your family - at least once a week, spend 10-15 minutes listening to each other. In the process, just listen, without brushing it off, without calling your partner’s problems and feelings nonsense, even mentally.
Learn gratitude
Stop taking for granted the good things they do for you. Even if you got married, your spouse is not obliged to do everything for your convenience and happiness. No one is obliged to provide for you or wash the dishes for you, no one should fasten shelves or iron shirts. And if he does something, thank him and show him that you noticed the effort. Otherwise there will be no point in trying.
Change yourself
This is not about becoming the way or the way they want you to be. If you want a stable and happy relationship, you first need to become yourself. Learn to understand what is important to you, what nourishes and pleases you, and what upsets you. Awareness of values and self-realization will allow you to be happy and decorate your life together.
In addition, we have unhealthy patterns left over from childhood. They can greatly interfere with building a family with your spouse. But only you can deal with them yourself.
Contact a psychologist
If you are unable to establish dialogue within a couple, contact a psychologist. Even individual work gives certain results, but it is better when both partners are interested in maintaining the relationship and, with the help of a third party, learn to understand and interact.
What everyone is afraid of is betrayal
Betrayal by a husband or wife is a good reason for divorce. But if the cheater left the relationship, repented and asks not to file for divorce, then it’s still worth trying to save the marriage.
You can give a chance if the deceived party has the strength to forgive. At the same time, it is necessary to find out and eliminate the reasons for the betrayal, and work to restore trust. To avoid a repetition of the situation in the future, it is necessary to identify all problematic areas of family life. For example, coldness, indifference, insufficient support - all these are reasons for going to the side.
Taking a vacation away from home and your partner will help you get over what happened. Start over with a clean slate. If you have forgiven, then forget about what happened and under no circumstances reproach the traitor. Stay optimistic and calm.
Take the current situation as a sign that change is needed. Don't be self-deprecating. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.
If you cannot cope with the conflict in a couple on your own, then you can contact a family therapist. Even if it doesn’t work out to save the marriage, a specialist will help make the separation less painful and avoid a repeat of the situation in the future.
Save the family for the sake of the children
A situation where parents are unhappy and consciously or unconsciously blame the child as the reason creates a guilt complex in the child, which will determine a lot in his future life. To be happy or unhappy, to be together or apart are entirely your personal decisions. Don't put the burden of responsibility on your children. If you are close to divorce, it is difficult for them. So, your squabbles are tearing them in two.
Yes, it is important for any child to have both mom and dad nearby. Having both parents allows him to grow and develop fully. But only if the parents respect each other. And life, when the mother throws mud at the father, and he despises and ignores her, is more traumatic for the psyche than the absence of one of the parents while the second is in a calmer state.
Usually the question of saving “for the sake of the children” arises:
- When one spouse or both are accustomed to sacrificing themselves
The problem is that if there is a “sacrifice”, then sooner or later a person will want to get something for it. Just imagine, a woman decided to “save the family for the sake of the children.” But when life does not bring satisfaction, all that will support it is the feeling that it is good because it has sacrificed so much. Gradually, this feeling will begin to demand external confirmation of her “goodness”; she will unconsciously begin to extort recognition from others. This usually leads to emotional blackmail of various types.
- If you or your partner are silent about the real reasons
And believe me, there will be no children in the true motives. Someone will be afraid that without a second one he will not have enough money, including for upbringing. Some people like an established life, and such a motive will allow them to keep the situation within a comfortable framework without admitting that their partner is right and working on themselves. Etc.
Therefore, when the question arises about maintaining a relationship for the sake of the child, stop lying to yourself and each other. If you have mutual respect, try to improve the relationship for your own sake and everyone's happiness. If there is no respect, do not torture yourself or your children, and also establish contact - just at a greater distance.
Reasons why families collapse
Girls! Remember your first date with your husband. How did you feel when you looked at him? Write your answers in the comments - share your pleasant memories!
But if you don’t use the tips from the “Ideal Love Relationships” section, the romance of first meetings quickly fades away. It is replaced by everyday life and routine. The partner no longer seems like a Superhero: the girl begins to see the guy’s shortcomings. As a result, affection gives way to irritation.
Thoughts about divorce most often appear for the following reasons:
- Mutual disrespect and constant criticism of each other.
- Resentments and misunderstandings accumulated over the years of a relationship.
- Material difficulties.
- Cheating on one of the spouses or pathological jealousy.
- Destructive partner behavior: cruelty, alcoholism or other addictions.
The cause of discord can be different life values: for example, if the husband wants children, but the wife does not, or vice versa. If you are faced with the harbingers of divorce, it's time to think about saving the relationship.
How to keep peace in the family
In general, actions to maintain peace in families have something in common with emergency measures. Conversation skills and frank expression of needs are helpful in any family. In any relationship, you need to change and step over your fears, learn to accept yourself and your loved one for who they are. Everywhere you need the skill of maintaining internal boundaries and limiting your partner without insults or rejection. And these are not innate abilities, but skills that require improvement.
Advice for your wife: how to keep love in the family
- Be mindful of your appearance. Women need beauty for its own sake. When a woman feels beautiful, her mood is better, and she gives kindness and affection more naturally. Take care of yourself. Figure, creams, masks, beautiful clothes - first of all for you, and only then - to please your husband.
- Give us the opportunity to be alone. Every person needs solitude, and men, on average, are better able to cope with problems and fears alone. When there are serious problems, women need to speak out. And a man in a similar situation should first remain silent and be alone. Therefore, try not to touch him for the first 20-30 minutes after your husband returns from work.
- Be careful what you say to others about your husband. What you tell your loved ones will become the information on the basis of which they will judge you. If you don’t want your family and friends to consider your other half a “bastard,” when speaking out, maintain respect for your partner.
- Remember that you are in a bad mood for no reason. It’s not always when you want to yell and blame everyone that everyone is to blame. Sometimes a bad mood is simply due to hormones. Take this into account and be careful with your words in the heat of the moment.
Advice to your husband: how to maintain family relationships
- Listen to your wife. Many women think by speaking out. If you want your wife not to make up nonsense, let her talk about her feelings and thoughts to you from time to time. In fact, for a woman, her husband is the one with whom she is most open.
- Praise her. Her self-esteem greatly depends on your attitude. And if you call her incompetent, crooked, useless, stupid... This is what you will get in the end. Give flowers, directly say that she is important to you - it pays off.
- Protect. Never take the side of others in a conflict. You can tell her in private that she is wrong and limit her in some way. But she should know that you will not offend her.
When is it necessary to save a marriage and when is it not?
A happy family requires teamwork. If one spouse has given up and doesn't want to invest in the relationship, there is no point in saving the marriage. The first thing you need to do when you feel that love has cracked is to make sure that you and your husband are both ready to start over.
But there are situations when you don’t need to think about how to save a marriage on the verge of divorce. For example, if:
- The partner shows moral or physical aggression.
- Suffering from addiction and unable to recover.
- Requires giving up important values for you (for example, dreaming of children).
There are other good reasons for ending a relationship. Previously, divorce was perceived as a disaster: just remember all these proverbs like “if you endure it, you will fall in love.” But in reality, sometimes you need to leave toxic relationships in the past in order to find happiness and harmony. Don't be afraid to make difficult decisions.
Do you think it’s worth saving a family from divorce if the husband doesn’t love you anymore? Can such relationships make people happy? Share your opinions in the comments.
Tips for partners
If during a disagreement you still decide to save the marriage, you should use the following tips:
- Learn to love yourself. Discover new talents, try something interesting, play sports, sign up for belly dancing or drawing courses. Returning to yourself will allow you to switch from blaming your partner and constant dissatisfaction to positive thinking.
- Give freedom to your spouse. Meetings with friends, personal time, the ability to communicate via messenger without looking over your shoulder - your partner has the right to all of this.
- Give compliments and praise over small things. It’s not difficult to thank your wife for a delicious dinner or tell your husband what a skilled mechanic he is. The more such words, the higher the importance of each family member and the stronger the mutual respect.
- Be honest with each other and not wash dirty linen in public. Cheating and discussing your partner with mutual friends is the last thing you should do to save your relationship.
- Listen to your partner and be willing to compromise.
