A lot has already been written about how women experience divorce. Almost every glossy magazine is ready to offer ladies a list of tips with which you can improve your life even after the most difficult breakup with your loved one. What do we know about how men feel after a divorce? How do they cope with their problems and depression? This article is intended for the stronger half of humanity and will answer the question: “Who is he, a divorced man of our time?”
Why are they getting divorced?
Unfortunately, in modern society, divorces happen almost every day. Moreover, very young families who have not been married for even three years, and well-established unions where the spouses have spent more than twenty years together are collapsing. According to divorce statistics, breakups are most often initiated by women, but men do not try to stop their other halves and boldly sign divorce papers. Why are they so easily ready to let go of their past life and not even remember it? Psychologists say it's simple.
Most men believe that marriage is some kind of limiter that prevents them from enjoying life. Scientists at the University of California conducted an interesting experiment by interviewing one hundred men who were injected with truth serum. When asked who they were jealous of and why, eighty-three participants pointed to their single colleagues. It seemed to them that a free and carefree life with a lot of sexual contacts was an ideal unattainable with a wife and children.
At an appointment with a psychoanalyst, many husbands admit that their family does not allow them to develop. In the minds of men, freedom looks like a tempting set of new victories and achievements. It seems that as soon as you get rid of family problems, life will present you with a lot of opportunities that will open up prospects for financial and career growth. But, despite these conclusions, most men do not feel strong enough to break off relations with their wives. They start affairs, suffer from disgusting responsibilities, but in 85% of cases they will never file for divorce first. However, they will be happy to support the wife’s initiative to divorce. Amazing, isn't it? But how a man’s life will change after a divorce will be a complete surprise for him. And not always pleasant.
How can a girl understand what her ex-boyfriend is going through?
The main thing to understand is not to think that the guy doesn’t feel offended because your relationship ended, even if he proves otherwise through his actions.
Yes, men are different from women, but in general, each of us, regardless of gender, expresses our feelings differently.
Signs in favor of men's suffering after breakups include deletion from friends on social networks, reluctance to meet, and, during a spontaneous meeting, refusal to make eye contact . Indifference can also be recognized by the reverse reaction - provoking people into meetings, too frequent messages and calls, imposing one’s persona and discussing with mutual friends the circumstances of the broken union.
Psychology of men after divorce: behavioral model
Stereotypes about divorce have not been revised in our society for a long time, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family is of serious interest to psychologists. It is generally accepted that a woman, without financial support and a strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time. What did they say about men? Of course, what they receive is freedom from obligations, for which they have to pay with partial loss of property and money. Otherwise, a young man or an already established one can live as they please and even marry a new passion, whom in some cases they have been dating for years. But the truth turns out to be not so rosy.
A survey conducted by British sociologists showed that 23% of men feel empty, and only 37% feel free from worries, compared to 20 and 40%, respectively, for the women surveyed. This means that a divorced man, after leaving the courtroom, feels not free and happy, but depressed and confused. But why does almost no one notice this?
The fact is that it is not customary for representatives of the stronger sex to grieve over lost love, and the word “divorce” evokes not sympathy, but congratulations from colleagues and friends. Naturally, in this situation, the strong half of humanity seeks to disguise their true emotions behind promiscuity, noisy companies and senseless spending. Almost all ex-wives notice this. They say that their ex-husband, whom they know so well, is behaving absolutely inappropriately. This can manifest itself in different ways. Some men, who lived quietly and calmly, suddenly begin to drink and carouse from morning to evening. Careerists abandon all their affairs and go on a long journey, and once serious and responsible fathers forget about their children and spend all their money on expensive entertainment.
All this is just an attempt to prove to oneself that one is necessary and in demand, because, according to the scale of emotional stress, divorce is equated to the death of a person. And you can survive this difficult period only by going through all the stages of grief.
Dream one4
Hooray! Freedom! A man enjoys the opportunity to live as he sees fit, without obligations and unnecessary problems.
But the realities turn out to be less rosy than he expected. All household little things for caring for himself fall on his own shoulders (when his wife was busy with this, he did not notice them). Along with everyday disorder comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness.
Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: five stages of grief
The famous psychologist Ross created her theory of grief based on the emotions of terminally ill people. But, as it turned out, the psychology of men after a divorce is no different from the state of people who are seriously ill. In order to return to normal life, you need to go through five rather difficult stages:
1. Denial
The young man cannot believe that divorce is a reality. He subconsciously denies all changes and does not want to enter a new stage of life.
2. Anger
Without this stage, it is difficult to return to a normal lifestyle and “let go” of the situation. Attacks of anger come suddenly, discontent pours out on everyone around. In cases where a man lives alone after a divorce, he can simply throw away old things that remind him of his past life.
3. Bargaining
This stage is the shortest and is expressed in the desire to return to the previous way of life. During the time that has passed after a divorce, a man can look at his ex-wife with completely different eyes. And, to his own surprise, he was inflamed with the same feelings for her, even if he himself initiated the breakup. He feels homesick for his family, tries to see his children as often as possible, and may even begin to persuade his ex-wife to renew their marriage.
4. Depression
Unfortunately, this stage is sluggish and protracted in men. In some cases it lasts up to five years. The California Institute recently published statistics on male suicide after divorce, and it simply shocked psychologists. After all, men are twice as likely to decide to commit suicide two to three years after breaking up with their wife. This period is the most dangerous - the novelty of social status disappears, and fatigue and a feeling of loneliness, on the contrary, increase.
5. Acceptance
At the last stage of grief, a man subconsciously accepts the divorce as a fait accompli. The past life remains just a memory and does not cause negative emotions. After acceptance, a person freely enters a new stage of his life journey and can successfully build a relationship with a suitable partner.
Learn to say goodbye
Even if the fault of the breakup lies with the ex-wife, you should not take revenge on her. To start a new life with another woman from scratch, it is important to say goodbye to your ex-wife correctly. But this does not mean stopping loving her. It is not at all necessary to move into a state of hatred or indifference towards the one with whom you previously had a lot in common. You can try to remain on friendly terms. Then it is much easier to let new love into your life.
Sources:
https://www.b17.ru/article/portret-mujchiny-posle-razvoda/ https://www.cluber.com.ua/lifestyle/lichnaya-zhizn/2016/03/muzhchina-posle-razvoda-ili- sindrom-semnadtsatogo-mesyatsa/ https://orazvode.com/psihologiya/kak-muzhchina-vedet-sebya-posle-razvoda.html
Prolonged post-divorce depression in men
Divorce is not only a formal break in a relationship. In almost all cases, this is a loss of energetic support and connection that the spouses have formed. It is this connection that is the basis of marriage; it does not break after leaving the court and signing the documents. Each spouse must adapt to the changed situation, but men cope with this much worse than women.
The psychology of men after divorce is characterized by great interest in the life of their ex-wife. This is very easy to explain: the energy connection has not yet been broken, and the spouse cannot tune in to life outside of it. Surprisingly, even the appearance of a new boyfriend for a woman cannot stop her ex from visiting and talking about her past life. Often, women who begin relationships with recently divorced men do not notice that they are depressed and are consumed by jealousy towards their ex-spouses. But in reality, a man simply cannot improve his life in the absence of the usual process of receiving energy and exchanging it.
The decision to get a divorce
Despite the fact that the desire to legitimize relationships most often arises among women, they also have primacy in the decision to divorce. It is common for a man to carefully think through the situation, and only then “burn all bridges.” Therefore, they often know where and with whom they will live next. If the reason for the divorce was male infidelity, then they often go to their new passion. A woman can experience a real shock, even if she herself is the initiator of the divorce. The most difficult time for her is surviving the first month. Then it gradually becomes easier. But the specifics of male psychology are somewhat different.
Causes of male depression
After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:
- disappointment in freedom and new women;
- psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
- obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
- feeling guilty for a broken relationship.
In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.
Agreement of the parties regarding communication
When a couple separates and the children remain with the mother, it is sometimes problematic to coordinate the time of meetings between the child and the father. Work and other adult plans can be an obstacle. Well-mannered people will be able to find a compromise.
If ex-spouses communicate peacefully, it is enough to discuss the duration and time of meetings verbally. In this case, no agreements are required. When the parties do not reach an agreement, you can turn to the guardianship and trusteeship authority for help.
In the presence of a representative of this authority, it is necessary to draw up an agreement. When a written agreement is only a formality, it can be written in free form. Notary verification is not required. If the relationship between the former spouses is strained, it is better to contact a specialist and draw up an agreement, which will allow you to insure yourself. Before signing, you need to check all the details again.
Manifestations of depression in men after divorce
Women, left alone, try to actively express their emotions, which allows them to come to their senses faster. Men do not have the right to lose their status as a strong and confident male, so they carefully hide their grief and gradually withdraw from life. They withdraw into themselves and in many cases behave completely atypically. Most often, depressive syndrome is expressed as follows:
- absent-mindedness, lack of attention and loss of decision-making ability;
- a destructive passion for alcohol, drugs and other ways to forget;
- aggression and sudden attacks of anger, which can be expressed in self-examination;
- complete loss of interest in all areas of life;
- chronic fatigue, frequent headaches;
- decreased potency.
Most often, depression occurs in men a few months after a divorce. During this period, the energy that once fueled the spouses dries up, and the novelty of a free life ceases to please. In addition, men during periods of depression find it difficult to see halftones; they completely lose the ability to enjoy life.
Treatment for male depression
What should a man do after a divorce so as not to fall into prolonged depression and quickly return to normal life? Psychologists unanimously say that you should not hide your emotions from others. A man has the right to grief, suffering and disappointment. He should not, while experiencing mental pain, put on a mask of indifference. Such behavior is a direct path to depression.
In this case, you should not hesitate, but you should immediately contact a psychotherapist. Modern medicine offers various methods of drug-free treatment of depressive syndrome in men, which give fairly good results in 80% of cases.
Looking for the other half
A divorced man is looking for a woman literally as soon as he leaves the courthouse with a stamp in his passport. Moreover, this is not a myth, but a reality that almost everyone faces. The fact is that, being married, a representative of the stronger half of humanity fantasizes about numerous sexual partners and non-binding relationships. Men begin to embody all this with great enthusiasm, but soon such a lifestyle becomes boring.
In reality, it takes a lot of effort to lead the desired lifestyle, but the result does not always exceed expectations. Psychologists say that spouses become aroused from each other quite quickly, even without foreplay, and physical release occurs after five to eight minutes. But with a new partner, a man does not always have the same good time - his body is not tuned to the next woman, sexual hunting is physically and emotionally expensive. In addition, apart from a physical connection, nothing else arises between the partners, and over time this begins to burden the sons of Adam.
A man is looking for a woman who could satisfy all his needs, but all he gets is a short-term affair. Often divorced representatives of the stronger sex also encounter another type of woman who simply dreams of marriage. These ladies are not at all familiar with such a term as “male psychology.” After a divorce, a rare free person will be ready to get married within three years, which is why conflicts arise in new couples.
We can say that after a divorce, a man falls into a kind of trap - he receives freedom, but does not feel the desire to use it after several disappointments.
Tips for maintaining a happy marriage
It feels like just recently you took an oath of love and fidelity, shouted “Bitterly” everywhere and the newlyweds dissolved in a passionate kiss, overwhelmed with happiness, but now... And now they are no longer newlyweds, but harboring a grudge against their spouse and Every couple in the world is on the verge of breaking up. Why did this happen? Because of everyday boring days or the inability and lack of desire to listen and forgive each other? Creating relationships in marriage is a skill that needs to be learned, sometimes neglecting oneself and putting aside one’s selfishness. It is necessary to be prepared for difficult and sometimes conflicting moments that arise in family life.
The birth of children is most often a critical moment in the family. Because you need to accept that your spouse is now a parent, not a lover. The ancient superstition that having children can reconcile a poorly living family is a myth. The birth of children is the birth of a new system of relationships, a reassessment of existing values and a rearrangement of priorities. Spouses must remember that the baby is the real personification of their love, and not an object of quarrels.
Cheating is one of the factors that often leads to the breakdown of a marriage. Facts that contributed to the betrayal: meeting a person with whom there is a mutual understanding of what is missing in family life, joint activities, common hobbies, a lot of free time, etc. Based on the fact of betrayal, you need to determine for yourself what specifically pushed you to this, the degree of seriousness and whether this infidelity will really become the reason for the breakdown of your marriage. Surprisingly, 2/3 of married couples in which the partner is looking for or wants new experiences on the side do not end in divorce.
USEFUL INFORMATION: Power of attorney for the transfer of alimony
It is unlikely that the conflict will cause the breakup of the marriage. But everyday conflicts that tire both spouses can lead to the breakdown of a marriage. The cause of the conflict does not affect the duration of the relationship. But in a fit of anger, you can express many unacceptable and cruel words to your partner, which in the future will cause your divorce
It is important not for what reason the conflict occurs, but how it occurs. You also need to be able to handle conflict
There are no definitive happiness tips, but you can follow some tips to keep your marriage together:
Learn to control yourself. In any quarrel there is a boundary that should not be crossed. There is no need to define any final thoughts and remember past grievances. If you quarreled, this does not mean that it is time to part. They separate when they realize that they can no longer tolerate the mere presence of their former partner.
Beware of complete openness in relationships; keep a certain amount of your inner world to yourself. Friendship ruins love and marriage.
In love there are times of disaster. Sometimes, for a day, or even about a month, it seems to you that you no longer love your partner. But sometimes you go away for the weekend or visit friends together, where your companion will be an excellent speaker or a good player, and you will love him with the same intensity.
Spend time separately from time to time so as not to bore your partner. Let your spouse feel freedom for at least some time. This short separation will bring interesting feelings and experiences into your relationship.
Psychotypes of men
When considering the problem of divorce, we should not forget that every man experiences the loss of his family also based on his psychological type. This factor has a serious impact on the perception of the situation and its overcoming. Psychologists have divided the psychotypes of men into four groups:
1. Hunter
This man is always ready to achieve whatever he wants. He is charming, handsome and confident. The hunter is not ready to give in to his partner in anything, and perceives divorce as a struggle for leadership. He tries to find a new partner as quickly as possible and show her off to his ex-wife.
2. Deer
This man is very soft in character, he cannot stand up for himself and has a big kind heart. After a divorce, the Deer man becomes depressed, worries for a long time and has difficulty finding a new partner.
3. Parent
This type of man is ready to take care of a woman and give her true love. Relationships are always built on trust and mutual understanding, so in the event of a divorce, the male Parent is sincerely worried. He tries to fill the emptiness in his soul with numerous activities, but he never rushes headlong into a new relationship.
4. Child
A man of this psychotype is absolutely not adapted to living alone. He is vulnerable, often talented and kind, but does not know how to make decisions or care about anyone. In case of divorce, he is capable of blackmail, persuasion and hysterics. Such men have difficulty getting out of depression and often attempt to commit suicide.
Exercises and games to relieve stress
Pray, meditate or practice relaxation, whatever suits you best.
Learn to cope with stress. There are many good books you can read to help you cope with stress, and you may also find some useful information about relaxation techniques. Contact your local library and bookstore.
Avoid making important decisions until your life is more stable. Some decisions must be made quickly, such as housing and school activities for the children and, if you are not working, getting a job. However, you may be putting off many decisions until the dust settles.
Remember the old saying, “The morning is wiser than the evening.” Give yourself time to heal.
Remember that it is normal to feel insecure and afraid when life changes. But with approximately fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce, you are far from alone—there are now ever-expanding counseling networks and support groups.
