7 tips from a psychologist on how to teach a child responsibility

1. What is a sense of responsibility
2. Feelings of guilt: always destructive?
3. Are guilt and responsibility mutually exclusive?
4. Feeling of shame

In one of the previous articles, we touched on the topic of what a feeling of imposed guilt is. And in this material we propose to talk about the relationship between feelings of guilt, responsibility and shame . Thus, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is a priori destructive (that is, any guilt is equal to imposed guilt - such as is discussed in the previous material). According to this theory, adult self-sufficient individuals do not have such a feeling: they are characterized only by responsibility. Others have a different opinion (and it is closer to us): that guilt and responsibility are different feelings, while guilt can also be constructive. We invite you to make your own decision based on the material presented below.

What is a sense of responsibility

Generally speaking, a sense of responsibility is the awareness that we have the power to take on any obligation and carry out the task at least to a satisfactory level. Also, a sense of responsibility includes a) awareness of the consequences of completing/failure to complete a task; b) willingness to answer for the result - both positive and negative. By business/task here we mean obligations to other people and to oneself (in personal life, in work/study and in all other situations).

Unlike guilt and shame, a sense of responsibility appears even before we encounter any problems.

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Normally, it “turns on” when we are just about to take on or are already taking on any task. It also has several other important differences from the other two discussed in the article:

• guilt and shame are always negative, while responsibility is NOT initially negative
  and can also be neutral and positive;
• the sense of responsibility has more or less clear deadlines
  : when it appears and when it goes away. We have already mentioned the start time above. And it usually ends when the job can be considered done;
• When problems arise, a sense of responsibility “forces” us to take various actions to correct the situation
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Let's consider this point in more detail. This is where the willingness to be responsible for the result is most clearly manifested: if we made a mistake, we admit it .

I’ll eat it and we’ll fix it. And ideally, we will also learn the necessary lessons so that this does not happen again.

From all that has been said above, it follows that responsibility is a constructive feeling.

: it is associated with active activity, acceptance of oneself, one’s capabilities, and analysis of results.

Of course, hyper-responsibility does not belong to constructiveness. Like any overly expressed trait, it is at least a hindrance and can lead to various problems. We will return to this issue in our next articles.

Perfectionism - where is the line between normality and pathology?

Is it good to be a perfectionist? In more moderate forms, perfectionism can have great benefits and be seen as an adaptive trait that helps us survive and perform well in everyday tasks.

The most extreme manifestation of perfectionism can cause significant personal discomfort, difficulties in the workplace and socially, and lead to various psychological problems.

Clinical perfectionism involves striving to meet high personal standards despite negative consequences and relying on self-determination/self-esteem to achieve them. The most extreme form of perfectionism (clinical perfectionism) can cause significant personal discomfort, difficulties in the workplace and socially, and lead to a variety of psychological problems.

Along these lines, perfectionism can cause insomnia, depressed mood and anxiety in a more or less transient manner, but it has also been noted that it can be a risk factor for and maintenance of a number of disorders such as depression, compulsive disorders, hypochondriasis and various manifestations of clinical anxiety .

And research is currently testing cognitive-behavioral as a first-choice treatment leading to a reduction in the discomfort caused by clinical perfectionism and its resulting symptoms (eg, anxiety, depression, obsession, compulsion, etc.).

Can perfectionism be fixed? Cognitive behavioral therapy has been described as an effective treatment for reducing clinical and perfectionism symptoms.

It is important that if a person sees that they may meet the criteria for high perfectionism and that they are causing discomfort or some of the problems we cover here (anxiety, depression, obsessiveness and others), they seek counseling so that they can be properly assessed, diagnosed and treatment.

Feelings of guilt: always destructive?

As we said, there is a point of view that the feeling of guilt is always destructive and that it is not characteristic of adults, psychologically mature and organic individuals. However, in our opinion, firstly, guilt and responsibility are not mutually exclusive, and secondly, guilt can also be different.

In general, a feeling of guilt is an internal negative assessment of one’s actions, the awareness that we have violated certain obligations, principles, and guidelines that we have accepted.

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In most cases, this feeling refers to something that has already been accomplished, but perhaps it also refers to something that will be done or not done in the future. For example, you promised something, but you know for sure that you won’t fulfill it.
Therefore, hour X has not yet arrived, but you are already tormented by guilt. However, the main feature of this feeling is not the “start time”, but the rather vague “end date”

. Let's say a friend has long forgiven you for a broken thing, but you are still tormented. Such long-term, especially if the feeling is strong and disturbing, can greatly affect self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. Such guilt, of course, should not be considered as a constructive feeling.

Another feature of guilt: it doesn’t actually require us to do anything.

. As we said above, responsibility implies active work to correct mistakes, while guilt “by default” does not include such a function (and according to those who believe that it is always destructive, it never includes). Formally, this feeling makes you ask for forgiveness, but not correct what you have done.

However, in our opinion, not everything is so bad with wine. Sometimes it is she who encourages you to work on mistakes, stops you from committing thoughtless actions, and teaches you to separate the bad from the good.

. It's all about what kind of guilt you feel and the degree of this feeling. And here we come to the most controversial issue: guilt vs. responsibility.

How to teach your child responsibility in school

Of course, it would be great if studying is the child’s personal matter and responsibility. However, there is a risk that the educational process left to chance will lead to the fact that the student will stop studying / will receive only bad results / will constantly forget his briefcase, textbooks / will begin to be late for his first lessons...

To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to sensibly assess the child’s capabilities and find for him the golden mean of responsible behavior in his studies. That is, there is no need to go to extremes. Firstly, to overestimate the capabilities of a schoolchild, thinking that at the age of 10 he is already able to track his progress and plan his activities. Secondly, make excessive demands on the teenager, when complete control negates all efforts to instill responsibility.

Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/4144696/

To ensure that you are not disappointed with the results, there are several important aspects to keep in mind.

1. Age characteristics. Age is not just numbers and the number of celebrated birthdays, but an objective factor. For example, some areas of the cerebral cortex are finally formed by the age of 13. This applies to the frontal lobes, which are responsible for making plans, forecasts, and controlling their activities.
2. Step by step process. Any skill develops in stages. First, the parent does everything for the child, then the child does something together with the parent, and only then does it independently. This also applies to studies, when parental control is needed at certain stages.
3. Organization of the process. An adult is more experienced than a child, which means it is he who should help the student master the skill. To instill responsibility for learning, you need to properly organize the entire process. For example, make a list of things that are needed for each lesson, allocate time for homework, etc.

Any task or problem must be solved based on childhood experience. If a child can solve his own homework and put up with his classmates, there is no need to interfere. If there is no experience in solving the problem, you need to help the student in the first stages, and then step aside and let him do everything himself.

Are guilt and responsibility mutually exclusive?

Probably, in an ideal world, people really do not have a feeling of guilt, but only a sense of responsibility - they evaluate their capabilities, take on obligations and fulfill them. However, in life, even the most responsible and diligent person makes mistakes and, despite the fact that he is able to bear responsibility for his actions, this does not mean that he is not bothered by feelings of guilt. For example, you accidentally broke your best friend's ancient Chinese vase. You can take responsibility for this action - compensate for the damage (for example, give money or look for another vase). And this does not exclude feelings of guilt for what happened.

Therefore, it is very important to understand to whom you feel guilty, to what extent and for how long.

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In the last article, we examined the imposed feeling of guilt, which is cultivated in us from the outside (usually by parents). It causes one to experience significant moral torment that does not correspond to the scale of the problem or does not have sufficient grounds at all.
Let us repeat that such guilt leads to low self-esteem, lack of aspirations and goals in life, and to a number of other unpleasant consequences. People who are characterized by this feeling easily become victims of manipulators. Of course, there is nothing positive or constructive here. However, if a feeling of guilt arises in you for objective reasons and does not so much make you suffer aimlessly as pushes you to take action, use it

. In other words, focus not on what should be done, but on what can be done now. Don’t think about yourself in the spirit of “I never succeed”, “I’m always wrong.” Instead, analyze what you can do now and in the future to prevent this from happening again.

In addition, this feeling can warn you against something that you may regret in the future, it will help you look at the world through the eyes of other people, and sympathize with them. As you reflect on a controversial action, you can ask yourself: Will you feel guilty later? At the same time, you should not think that if there is a chance for this feeling, you need to immediately abandon your plans. If the person is truly important to you, perhaps you should first consider whether you can somehow correct the consequences of your choice yourself.

When to start developing responsibility in a child

Young children are infantile by nature and do not know how to be responsible. Until the age of three, children generally do not evaluate the consequences of their actions. Yes, the child says to his mother: “I myself,” but this does not mean that he is aware of the final results of his action. But this desire to do everything yourself forms independence, which, as we know, is the basis of responsibility.

In preschool and primary school age, children become more independent and begin to make informed decisions. Of course, infantility has not yet disappeared, so it is difficult to demand from a seven-year-old schoolchild high-quality cleaning or a responsible approach to doing homework. How to teach a child responsibility at 8 years old? Only by giving instructions and allowing mistakes.

It should be understood that each child is an individual. Even if you do everything right, this does not mean that in adolescence your son or daughter will become the most responsible person. Much depends on temperament, level of intelligence, social environment. But you need to cultivate independence, and we will tell you how this can be done using specific examples.

Feeling of shame

Shame often accompanies guilt. Although the specific definition of shame varies among experts, let us assume that the feeling

a person feels guilt before himself, and shame - rather before others.
That is, guilt reflects how we ourselves evaluate our actions, and shame is a reaction to how, in our opinion, others evaluate our actions and us in general
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It’s as if we look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes, and we don’t like what we see. It is important to consider that this is our personal, subjective idea of ​​the opinions of other people
, which may have nothing to do with reality. For example, we may be ashamed of someone for something, although this someone did not even pay any attention to our offense. And on the contrary, a person may not feel shame, although people important to him do not approve of his behavior.

Signs of perfectionism

Perfectionists strive to maintain "Don Quixote's high standards." They think that good things never happen. Thus, they are caught in an endless cycle of overexertion.

But why does this search arise? Perfectionists tend to have low self-esteem; they value not what they are, but what they do and have. Because they do not approve of themselves, they seek the approval of others.

Perfectionists are in a never-ending cycle of overexertion.

Perfection does not exist, so those who seek it will experience a feeling of disappointment . Therefore, if we take into account that depression leads to feelings of loss, anger, sadness and disappointment that interfere with daily life, we conclude that both of these feelings may be related.

These are some traits of perfectionism that, among others, may mask depression:

1. Constant self-criticism.

When things don't go as the perfectionist expects, it can trigger a cycle of arguments against him. If someone criticizes and does not accept his opinion as correct, then he tends to “drown.” These thoughts can even lead to feelings of rejection by others.

1. Inability to terminate projects.

For perfectionists, disconnecting from work is an impossible task. This is because they never consider the tasks to be valid. They are always “on the hook”, which makes them burn with it (tasks). Which can lead to depression.

In these cases, it is important to transform the requirement to which they are presented primarily. Avoid imposing on yourself, perform the task smoothly and even, if possible, enjoy it. Thus, unpleasant emotions do not arise and they are aimed at well-being.

1. Trying to be perfect socially.

Anyone who tries to be perfect for others faces a double problem. These are people who are exhausted precisely because they are constantly fighting against themselves. Because it is impossible not to make a mistake.

This type of practice manifests itself daily on social media through the display of lives that are far removed from reality.

These are people who create a chimera that adapts to their life parameters. They tend to lie and find it difficult to admit that they are not doing something perfectly. This can lead to serious discussions and conflicts with others, such as colleagues or family.

1. Difficulty solving problems.

In difficult situations, a perfectionist tries to avoid them. They often use escape strategies, such as leaving relationships or jobs, when difficulties arise. This is often accompanied by the “triad of depression”: “my fateful life,” my family doesn’t love me,” “it will continue to be this way, I can’t change it.”

Consequently, refusing to solve problems is a common practice for perfectionists.

Although this option seems to eliminate the problem, it tends to accumulate them and increase feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

1. The need to dominate the situation.

For perfectionists, keeping everything under control is not synonymous with measuring time and capabilities, but an obsession because everything literally matches their script. Perfectionists try to plan everything down to their fingertips. This is something unrealistic; they demand more from themselves than they can give.

Their thinking is dominated by purpose and leaves no room for anything else. There are people who do not speak in a foreign country because they believe that until they master the language perfectly, they should not do so. This creates a situation of isolation that leads to unpleasant time spent alone.

1. Excessive sense of responsibility.

Someone who lives their life trying to be perfect and nothing escapes their control ends up being physically and mentally draining.

For those who are guided by perfectionism, the main words are duty, honor and loyalty.

A high sense of responsibility does not allow them to refuse offers from friends, family and colleagues. For this reason, they are always busy, and in many cases their responsibilities exceed the actual time of their completion. They may burn out, suffer from chronic stress and exhaustion, and they do not take care of themselves. If a person is on the verge of depression or immersed in it, the reason that makes him burden himself with tasks is to avoid unpleasant situations.

Material liability of the employee

The employee is responsible for damage:

- property of the employer for whom he works: online cash register in a cafe, work laptop;

— property of the employer’s clients: a Gosha Rubchinskiy blazer, which was brought to the studio to be hemmed.

Taking care of material things is obvious. But the employee is also responsible for the programs on the computer and other people's copyrights.

The employee installed pirated Photoshop. This was discovered, and the employer paid compensation to the copyright holder. Now the employee is responsible for damages to the employer.

The employee pays for the damage

If the employee is to blame for the damage, he compensates for direct actual damage under Art. 233, 238 Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

Direct actual damage - how much money the entrepreneur actually lost. The employee pays only for it. Hired employees are not responsible for lost profits.

The seamstress ruined the blazer and the studio paid the client 82,000 rubles. This is direct actual damage, the employee compensates for it.

The client customized a new item to the studio every month. After ruining the blazer, he said he wouldn’t come again. For the studio, this is lost profit and a problem for the entrepreneur.

When an employee doesn't pay

If the cause of the damage is incorrect instructions, faulty equipment or force majeure, the employee is relieved of liability. This is the rule from Art. 239 Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

The blazer was scratched by a sewing machine needle. The director of the studio brought the machine and said it was fine. The seamstress is not obliged to pay for the client's item.

Collection from an employee is a right, but not an obligation of an entrepreneur under Art. 240 Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The tax office will not punish a person for forgiving a debt.

How much can you deduct from your salary?

The general rule is this. For any amount of damage, the employee pays within the average monthly salary - Art. 241 Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

The average salary of a seamstress is 20,000 rubles. The seamstress will only pay this money.

If the employee agrees, he pays the entire amount at once. There is no possibility - the employer deducts from the salary, but no more than 20% per month - Art. 138 Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

View our step-by-step instructions for recovering damages from an employee.

An exception is the full financial liability of the employee from Art. 242, 243 Labor Code of the Russian Federation. This is when the employee is obliged to pay the entire amount of damage, but there is no ceiling.

Full financial liability occurs in cases where an employee:

— Works with money or goods and an agreement on full financial responsibility has been drawn up. With whom you can do this, it is written in Resolution of the Ministry of Labor of the Russian Federation dated December 31, 2002 No. 85. Such agreements are a separate topic, we will talk about it in the future;

— Money, goods or things of the client were given by proxy;

— Broke the thing intentionally, was drunk or brazenly stole it;

— The damage was caused outside of working hours.

If there is a dispute with an employee

Disputes about financial liability are decided by the court. The filing period is one year from the date of discovery of damage under Art. 392 Labor Code of the Russian Federation. Don't miss out.

Right and Wrong Questions

In the service sector

In the field of management

For managers

For subordinates

Why are we afraid of responsibility?

Fear of responsibility is associated with a deep-rooted feeling of insecurity about one's own capabilities. The problem is not just a fear of specific commitments. Often a person simply does not consider himself capable of making these commitments and achieving positive results without failing.

Olga Bezborodova

practicing psychologist, system therapist, specialist at the Center for Consulting and System Solutions

Fear of responsibility grows out of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and doubts about one’s capabilities. Which, in turn, may arise due to a lack of decision-making experience.

Hypengiophobia is also associated with the inability or unwillingness to act under conditions of uncertainty. Our lives are unpredictable, but many still try to maintain complete control over what happens to them. Imagine a situation where such a person is faced with all this uncertainty and he suddenly realizes that the only way out is to adapt to changing circumstances.