Painful attachment of a child to his mother: possible difficulties

ama... This word is pronounced with warmth and tenderness. Everyone has a special feeling associated with him. And not only because a mother gives life to a person. Next to your mother you feel protected from life's adversities. You can trust your mother with the most intimate things; she will always listen and give the right advice. Mother will not turn away from you, no matter how bad you are.

A special relationship with the mother is established from the first days of life. Emotional attachment to the mother is the most important psychological “acquisition” of infancy. The harmonious development of the child’s personality directly depends on it.

Scientists call a properly formed attachment to the mother secure attachment.

The baby transfers the model of communication with his mother to the world around him. A secure attachment gives him a feeling of security. It lays the foundation for trust in people. A child with a secure attachment to his mother is proactive, sociable, smart, and calm. A grown-up child does not have problems with social adaptation; he makes acquaintances easily, makes friends, is popular among his peers, is responsive, and inventive in games.

How is attachment formed? In infancy, the baby interacts with his mother an order of magnitude more than with other loved ones. This is due to both physical care, the child’s need for food, and his need for communication. If the mother is attentive to the baby, adequately responds to his feelings, supports his initiative, is always affectionate and gentle with him, the baby “concludes” that such behavior of the mother, such an attitude between him and the mother is the norm. The so-called “working model of oneself” and “working model of interaction with other people” are formed.

The child will subconsciously rely on these models throughout his life. A “working model of yourself” will form a positive self-esteem. The “working model of interaction with other people” will tell you that people can be trusted, they will not cause harm, they are completely reliable and predictable, and you can build relationships with them.

It should be noted that a child urgently needs the presence of a well-known and trustworthy adult in his life, not only at an early age, but throughout childhood. Moreover, in infancy and early childhood this need is especially acute. Researchers note that the presence of a secure attachment at the age of 2-3 years, even if at a later age (4-5 years) it changes to a less favorable type of attachment, will still ensure a high level of development of the child’s psyche and personality.

Determining who a child is attached to is quite simple. An infant's ability to form attachments is innate. From birth to 3 months, the baby addresses signals to any person working with him at that moment. He tries to get a response to signals, evaluates the adult’s response. From 3 months, the baby himself shows an emotional reaction to the person who constantly takes care of him. By 6 months, he already clearly identifies the most important person for himself (usually his mother). He involuntarily looks back at his mother when he is exploring something new, runs to her when he is scared, clings in the presence of a stranger, is upset if his mother leaves, and is happy when she returns.

By the end of the first year of life, a stable type of behavioral and emotional reaction to the mother is finally formed.

Types of attachment

Not all mothers behave correctly with their baby; out of ignorance or carelessness, they can make major mistakes in handling the baby. The quality of attachment depends on the mother's behavior.

A secure attachment of a child to his mother is the only correct, safe option for attachment. All other types of attachment are considered unreliable and insecure.

A child's calm, contact behavior indicates a secure attachment. His mother calms him down quite quickly after mild stress; the child does not behave hysterically, withdrawn, does not push away the mother, does not hide behind her. When separated from his mother, he does not show much anxiety, is interested in toys and other people, and when his mother returns, he rejoices and runs to her. At first, the child is a little wary with strangers, but as soon as the stranger tries to establish relationships, he makes contact. Categorical rejection of strangers, as well as extreme clinginess to them, are signs of insecure attachment.

There is no complete agreement among researchers about the number of types of insecure attachment. There are from three to five such species. Their descriptions, however, are all the same.

Affective, or attachment of the anxious-resistant type

Many have seen children who are very upset when their mother leaves (even to the point of hysteria), and when she returns, on the one hand, they strive for her, and on the other, they behave angrily and angrily push her away.

Such attachment is formed if the mother takes care of the child inconsistently. Depending on her mood, she either kisses and nurtures the baby, or is cold with him. The baby is worried about this inconsistency; it is incomprehensible to him. He tries to achieve proper emotional support by crying, screaming, clinging. If this fails, the baby becomes irritated. He can become angry, hysterical, uncontrollable.

Sometimes this type of attachment is called ambivalent. Ambivalence, that is, duality, characterizes both the behavior of the child and the behavior of the mother. Wanting to console the child, the mother first shows affection, hugs him, offers him a toy, but, noticing that the baby does not calm down, begins to shout at him and rejects him. The baby persistently asks to be held by his mother, but as soon as he gets there, he begins to struggle and tries to be let go.

In fact, this type of attachment is the path to raising a manipulator, a little tyrant. From the mother’s inconsistent behavior, the child will learn that love, kindness, and understanding in this world are not a value at all, and you can always achieve your goal with a good tantrum.

Indifferent or avoidant attachment

Such children are not sensitive either to the departure of the mother or to her appearance. They are not interested in other children or adults. It is difficult to make friends with them, to establish contact - they persistently avoid communication.

Two behaviors of the mother towards the child can lead to this type of attachment:

1. The mother is unresponsive, impatient, openly expresses negative feelings about his crying and whims, avoids close contact with the baby (rarely takes him in her arms, does not show tenderness, pushes the child away when he reaches out to her in an attempt to cuddle him, find support). Such mothers are selfish and self-centered. They demonstratively reject those needs and interests of the child that do not coincide with their own interests and needs. To calm the child, such a mother uses toys rather than physical contact and communication.
2. The mother overprotects the child, “messing with tenderness” even when the baby does not want it. It happens that a mother is a supporter of early development and spends every free minute with her child. At the same time, she does not listen to the emotional state of the baby, his initiative, but does what she considers necessary and useful.

Both options are united by the parents’ orientation towards themselves, their educational ideas (or lack thereof - if the parents do not think about upbringing at all). For them, a child is not a subject, a person, but an object of education (or an object that interferes with normal life). Such parents do not take into account the real needs of the child.

As a result of this behavior of the mother, the child develops a kind of taboo on emotionality and communication. He is withdrawn, conflicted, has low self-esteem, it is difficult for him to establish contact with new people, and his relationships with loved ones are alienated.

Other types of attachment

There are mothers who neglect their baby and treat it cruelly. In this case, the child cannot draw a definite conclusion about how to behave with his mother, because no behavior is safe. If you observe such a baby from the outside, it is noticeable that he is afraid of his mother (he either “freezes” in one position when he sees her, or runs away from her). This type of attachment is called insecure attachment of the disorganized type . With such a mother, the child is forced to learn to survive, neglecting any human feelings and relationships, abandoning them in favor of strength. Maybe this is equivalent to a lack of attachment?

These cases are rare, however, any mother needs to be aware of the dangers of an inconsistent, inattentive attitude towards the child. In its extreme manifestation, insecure attachment can lead to pathology - attachment disorder.

Psychologists distinguish two types of attachment disorder:

1. Reactive type disorder - the child is excessively fearful, cannot part with his mother, avoids communicating with peers and other adults, is overly wary in the presence of strangers, this wariness does not disappear after maternal consolation.
2. Disinhibited type disorder - the child is excessively clingy to all adults indiscriminately.

Psychologists often identify attachment problems in children who are given other diagnoses, such as post-traumatic stress disorder or conduct disorder.

The mother's insincere behavior poses a great danger. In public, she can caress and undead the child, demonstrating her love for him, and in private, when the baby reaches out to his mother for the same affection, reject him.

Many mothers do this not out of malice. Inconsistency is their character trait. They behave this way with everyone: sometimes they are affectionate and sensitive, sometimes they are cold and unapproachable. Such mothers are sincere, but they cause no less harm than “show-off mothers.” After all, the child in both cases cannot predict the mother’s behavior. If such situations are repeated regularly (reinforced by repetition), then an insecure attachment of the anxious-resistant type will eventually form.

Afterword

Attachment is a system of relationships between a child and an adult. In it, the baby learns the basics of social interaction, learns cooperation, respect, understanding the feelings of other people, love, and friendship. Attachment characteristics are passed on from generation to generation.

Lack of affection, as well as excess, are dangerous. In the first case, the child is afraid to explore the world, is unsure of himself, and feels unwanted. In the second case, due to excessive guardianship or maternal fear of being abandoned, the child grows up to be dependent. I'm sure you know the situations of unhappy 40-year-old men who are unable to part with their mother. For some reason, daughters are less likely to find themselves in such dependence.

The influence of attachment to mother on a child's life

We have found that the only correct type of relationship between mother and child is reliable or secure attachment. According to various studies, it occurs in 50-70% of families.

It turns out that from 30 to 50% of children are raised in unfavorable conditions from infancy. These numbers are worth thinking about.

The experience of rejection by a mother is dangerous and painful. The negative model of oneself and the world formed by such an experience will undoubtedly manifest itself in the child’s entire next life. The attachment of the first years of life is very stable; it is transferred to preschool childhood, school years, and the period of growing up.

A child who did not have a secure attachment to his mother in early childhood is very dependent on the people around him and is passive. His behavior is unstable and contradictory. He is characterized by low self-esteem. He has problems with communication. And the reason for all this is a subconscious distrust of the world and the people around us. Deep down, the child is sure that people are unpredictable, the world is unfriendly, and he himself is not entirely good. This attitude was once established by the mother.

It is very likely that in adult life, the emotional and behavioral model determined by the type of attachment of the child to the mother will affect interpersonal relationships and other aspects of life.

Relationships with parents

1. Secure attachment: relationships with parents are built on trust and understanding, adult children provide assistance to their parents and participate in their lives.
2. Dual attachment: grown children remember their parents only when they feel bad (physically or financially). When children are prosperous, they are almost not interested in their parents.
3. Avoidant attachment: Children do not maintain relationships with their parents and do not remember them.

Relationships between spouses

1. Secure attachment: an adult is sure that the secret of a happy family lies in friendship and trust between spouses. He is a supporter of stability and long-term relationships. He understands that relationships develop over time and there may be ups and downs.
2. Dual attachment: an adult loves passionately, longs to completely dissolve in his beloved. The union of two people, in his opinion, should be close, lovers should be completely absorbed in each other. He's jealous. Believes that finding a soul mate (true love) is very difficult.
3. Avoidant attachment: very skeptical about love, considers it a beautiful fairy tale. He is afraid of emotional intimacy and cannot open up to another person.

Attitude towards yourself

1. Secure attachment: an adult is characterized by positive and adequate self-esteem.
2. Ambivalent and avoidant attachment: grown children are insecure and are haunted by a feeling of being undervalued by the people around them.

Attitude to work

1. Secure attachment: such people are confident in themselves and are not afraid to make mistakes. They know how to prioritize and know how to achieve goals. They do not take failures at work personally.
2. Ambivalent attachment: Success at work is highly dependent on rewards. Adults passionately desire universal recognition and approval. Because of this, they often mix work and personal relationships.
3. Avoidant attachment: grown children tend to “hide behind work” from personal relationships, often their lives are spent exclusively in work. At the same time, they are rarely satisfied with it, even if they achieve excellent results and a good financial situation.

Early age (from 1 year to 3 years)

The child has already entered this world, so he tries to be like adults. He understands perfectly well that you can be close not only by being near your “mother’s skirt,” but also by being like her, so he tries to reproduce the behavior and preferences of his parents. If you want to strengthen attachment at this age, delegate some of your powers to your baby.

• take it with you to the store, choose products and invite your child to fill the cart himself, take it to the cash register and even pay with a bank card;
• allow you to carry a small bag from the store, or maybe even your own backpack, and then take out the groceries and put them in the refrigerator;
• give the opportunity to choose your own clothes, offer to create a Family look from similar items and/or accessories;
• play role-playing games, reenacting mom and dad's work day;
• wash the dishes, prepare simple dishes and various delicacies together - let it be hard work, but how much joy it will bring to the baby;
• give the opportunity to fill and start the wash in the washing machine (not forgetting that chemicals are prohibited at his age);
• plant a vegetable garden on the windowsill, water the flowers and grow a tangerine from the seed;
• build houses, huts and turn into a family of animals, playing out family relationships;
• assemble furniture, teach how to use a tape measure, and let dad show you a master class on screwing bolts with a screwdriver;
• tidy up together - this will help you and teach your baby cleanliness;
• come up with secret signs and whisper in your ear;
• pass kisses and hugs through your child;
• use one hand cream, drawing cute icons on your hands;
• do something scary together, and also have fun and fool around together.

How to form a secure attachment

The “three pillars” on which a child’s secure attachment to his mother rests are stability, sensitivity, emotional and physical contact.

Stability

Attachment is formed quite simply. The baby began to cry, the mother came up to him, took him in her arms, talked tenderly, rocked him, stroked him, fed him. The baby calmed down, felt comfortable, and fell asleep. After a while he woke up in a good mood and was humming. The mother pays attention to the baby, supports the activity, talks to him, changes his clothes, and offers him a toy. More time has passed. The baby is crying again, he asks to be held. The mother takes him, calms him down again, strokes him and rocks him, plays with him.

With such repeated repetitions of the same actions with an unchanged style of behavior, the mother makes it clear to the baby that she is the person who will always come to the rescue, comfort, feed, and protect.

So, the mother’s behavior strategy must be definite and unchanging - stable.

Stability is also necessary in relation to the object of attachment. In our example, the object of attachment is the mother. It happens (often in wealthy families) that the care of the baby is almost entirely entrusted to the nanny, and the mother deals with the baby only occasionally. It is strictly not recommended to change a nanny if the child’s age is from 3 months to 1 year. It is advisable to continue to follow this recommendation. The object of affection (mother or nanny) should not leave the child for long.

Sensitivity

The correct strategy for a mother's behavior should be responsiveness and sensitivity.

No child’s signal should go unanswered. Crying, smiling, babbling, looking - the mother notices them and immediately interacts with the child. Any initiative of the baby is supported, his feelings do not go unnoticed.

Sensitivity means that a mother instinctively understands her child. She knows what the baby wants, why he cries, how to calm him down, what action will be correct in this particular situation.

Often young mothers, having read specialized literature and listened to the advice of their elders, are afraid to trust their instinct. Of course, the mother must be competent in matters of health and education; mistakes are unacceptable here. But there are such subtle areas of interaction between mother and child in which truisms will not help. And here it would be right to listen to yourself and your child, to believe in yourself.

Concept and essence of the term

The English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby studied child attachment.

Child attachment is a motivational system that arises between a child and a significant adult immediately after birth. The main function is the survival of the baby.

The source of attachment is the hormone oxytocin. In women, it is released during pregnancy. After childbirth, its concentration in the blood of the child and mother is maximum. This ensures mutual tenderness and affection. This is called maternal instinct.

With a lack of oxytocin, the mother does not experience affection or tenderness for the child. Hormonal imbalance occurs against the background of organic and acquired brain damage, under the influence of stress, psychological trauma, and inadequate attachment in childhood by the mother herself.

Junior school age (from 7 to 10 years)

This age is equated to the last level of affection - “when they know you.” The child wants to be known by his parents and begins to share secrets from his life. He wants you to know him from the inside, so be sensitive and complement all of the above with strengthening methods such as:

• entrust the preparation of one complete meal for the whole family;
• do not forget to hug at every opportunity;
• share his hobbies and be interested in his personal life;
• read aloud, watch movies with your family.

Research results

Based on the results of the research, 10 women out of 24 were identified with a high level of predisposition to attachment.

It turned out that women who have had unfavorable experiences in parent-child relationships experience discomfort and obvious difficulties in their current maternal status and acceptance of their child. Such mothers often feel anxious and unsure of themselves and their actions.

Women who have a harmonious experience of communicating with their mother in childhood demonstrate low levels of anxiety and a tendency to have a safe and strong connection with their children.

Junior preschool age (from 3 to 4 years)

This period begins with a crisis - this is the age of jealousy, the desire to possess what belongs to you and who you love. The child begins to identify “MY mother”, projecting a biological connection with his adult and begins to look for confirmation of this.

• allow yourself to be angry and release negativity, remembering that it is normal to feel different emotions;
• allocate individual time for each child (if there are several in your family) - go to a shopping center, a cafe, a manicure, a movie... choose entertainment that will be interesting to both of you;
• if possible, take your child to your work and show your workplace decorated with a photo of your family;
• play sports together (swimming pool, running, football or just morning exercises);
• teach him to ride a bicycle, roller skates, or scooter;
• arrange a family performance and play out the “mother-baby” relationship;
• lie on the couch and just relax with him;
• play, draw, sculpt, read and sometimes follow his rules;
• Together decorate the house for the holiday, wrap gifts and make cards with your own hands;
• swing on the swings, slide down the slide and build the biggest sand castle on the playground;
• develop your own farewell ritual, for example, “a kiss in the pocket”, leave cute notes and small gifts in your child’s pocket.