It can be difficult sometimes with everyone, but there are people with whom it is almost impossible or even dangerous to communicate. They may be aggressive, control-minded, or negative. Difficult people will still be difficult, but if you understand their secrets, strategies and tricks and adapt your behavior, you can get along with them. Forbes publishes a chapter from Richard Templar’s book “Rules for Managing People. How to Unleash the Potential of Every Employee" - about how to deal with hypersensitive people, passive-aggressive and manipulative characters.
And you, my friend, are not a saint!
The thing to remember is that you are not perfect either: what you feel for one, another may feel for you. We are all human and we have flaws!
You can usually avoid someone who is unpleasant. However, at some point such contact will become inevitable: through work, study, or it will be the boyfriend of your best friend. Using the tips below, you may find that difficult people can also benefit greatly from looking at things from a different perspective.
Successful people understand that such communication restrictions limit your own development!
Passive-aggressive people fear conflict
I remember coming home very late one day as a teenager. We had an elderly relative visiting us, and the next morning at breakfast she said to me, “I hope you had a good time? Yes, probably, since you didn’t come home until twenty minutes past two!” This was said with enthusiasm, and I seemed to have to smile in response, but I perfectly understood the subtext. What she really wanted to say, in front of my mother, was, “You woke me up when you came home!” That's why she knew exactly what time it was.
Accept those you don't like
The truth of life is that we do not always come into contact with pleasant people. Just admit to yourself that you don't have to get along with someone. If you don't like a person, it doesn't mean that you are a terrible conversationalist.
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But you need to find a compromise and get along with others. Therefore, being honest with yourself is the very first place to start. Do not pretend that you are experiencing negative emotions - this will lead to great difficulties.
Analyze your behavior
But before you express dissatisfaction with your colleague, analyze your own behavior. If conflicts in a team arise due to personal qualities, then you should discuss this with colleagues. We need to come up with a tolerant way of expressing all grievances so as not to offend anyone.
When you are alone, use the method of free association. During the process, you need to say everything you think. Don't filter your statements. Don't forget to record everything on video or recorder. Listen to the recording carefully later. This will help identify complexes and the true causes of irritation.
Perform a transfer analysis. It happens that childhood feelings and fears are transferred to a current colleague. And it’s not him who infuriates, but the image from the past. A detailed analysis of the behavior, character traits, and professional qualities of the annoying employee will help you cope with this. Learn to notice positive qualities. You should not be limited by your own skills, views, habits.
Follow up later. It consists of understanding the causes of conflicts and finding a way to change behavior patterns.
Psychologists advise simply focusing on the work process. Then the person will stop paying attention to stimuli, and productivity will be high. The result is a healthy psyche and good mood.
Mindfulness is the antidote to toxic relationships
Being around toxic people can have a terrible impact on our emotions. They can drive you crazy, but only if you allow it. The power over emotions is in your hands. This doesn't mean you ignore the person or their feelings. Admit to yourself that he annoys you and he likes it. Feel the evil completely - and relax. Smile and nod in response - this will discourage the “vampire”.
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Form a personal circle of communication
When some colleagues are annoying and others are not, this is due to compatibility on a biological level. Several employees of a company may have the same bad habits: banging a pen on the table, slurping, laughing loudly, etc. But an employee can calmly talk with some, or drink tea together during a lunch break. And in others, the cause of irritation can be anything.
Women are more vulnerable. They find it difficult to control themselves and their own emotions in moments of irritation. In most cases, women also piss them off.
Men have a higher level of self-control. If a colleague is a good specialist, is not afraid of hard work, and delivers everything on time, then they will calmly tolerate such an employee. Men will reduce communication during the working day and any contact with such a companion to a minimum and will work calmly.
Tactfulness is in full swing
Being tactful is much more valuable than getting along with your temperament. Develop a diplomatically indifferent face - this means trying to treat everyone with politeness and tolerance. No, this does not mean agreeing with a person you dislike, but maintaining a level of decency when interacting with him is necessary.
Be gentle but assertive in your question and position. Focus on the problems that need to be solved, not on attacking your opponent. If you learn to do this consistently, you will look like a professional and gain an advantage in any situation.
Rule #6: Be Formal
Attempts to communicate or cooperate with a toxic colleague in a human way always lead to failure, because such a person understands human communication only as beneficial for himself, and not as a polite and mutually beneficial relationship. In a work team, compliance with formalities will help solve this problem. Even if no one else in the office follows these formalities, discover the laws/regulations/decrees/contracts and act on them in a completely formal manner. This approach will create a serious obstacle to the interventions of toxic people.
Don't take it personally
Everything that people do is only for their own benefit, not for yours. They may attack you either because of personal hostility, or because they simply “caught their hand.” Take the initiative in communicating with an unpleasant character, having first considered ways to react calmly, and also see a clear picture of such behavior.
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This way you will not overreact to those who react this way to you. Remember that every situation includes both a person and an issue being discussed. Concentrate on the second point, without forgetting the first!
Rise higher or you'll fall on your face
A toxic person is the easiest to react to because he often behaves defiantly. If you stoop to his level, he will drag you into an argument and make you the initiator.
Don't let your emotions take over. It is not necessary to react to such antics - focus on rational facts and responses to attacks from the outside. State a clear issue that everyone is here for, but do it diplomatically.
Self-test: are you a difficult person?
First you need to look at yourself. If there are a lot of difficult people around a person, then perhaps the reason is in the person himself. What if there are reasons why he cannot be in normal society? Maybe others also consider him a difficult person and prefer not to communicate with him. Therefore, it is worth looking at yourself and sincerely answering the question: “Am I a difficult person?”
Initial tips for protecting yourself from difficult people:
- When you encounter a person whose behavior seems strange, shocking or inappropriate, the best thing to do is ignore him . When responding to his attacks and insults, you can immediately fall into the place of the victim, which will lead to a humiliated position from which it is difficult to get out.
- You need to learn to say “no” firmly and tactfully. Difficult people will respect more those who lie to them less.
- An important detail will be the development of an internal sense of humor . It will be a protection against such people.
- There is no need to inflate yourself when talking with such people. Usually in this way a person wants to appear more confident and better in the eyes of others, but in reality it only causes them irritation.
Express your feelings calmly
The main problem is always the method of communication. If you are annoyed by someone's behavior and communication style, it is time to talk honestly about what is unpleasant to you. The secret is that you need to do this as calmly as possible and without unnecessary confrontation. Such language will allow you to show your “I” convincingly and clearly.
The goal is to express unpleasant emotions without blaming your opponent. For example: “When you argue with me, I feel unfairly accused. Please provide compelling arguments to defend your position.” Be specific when expressing your dissatisfaction, because doing the opposite will not solve the problem, but will only make it worse!
What is the main determinant of happiness? The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty or power. Our sense of happiness is determined by how other people, especially our loved ones—friends, family members, colleagues—treat us. When your loved ones treat you well, you simply cannot help but feel happy, but if they treat you poorly or avoid communicating with you, you are doomed to unhappiness. The reason our happiness depends so much on the quality of our relationships with others is because humans are first and foremost social creatures. And if you look around, you can find a lot of evidence of this. It is very important for us to know what others think of us, and, as my own observations show, we are much more willing to agree to experience something unpleasant (for example, watching a bad movie) in the company of others who share our negative attitude towards it than to experience something pleasant (for example, watch a good movie) in the company of people who disagree with us. Our social nature also explains why falling in love with another person is the most precious experience of our lives and why isolation, the extreme form of which is solitary confinement, is considered by those who have experienced it to be the most severe test. All this explains why it is so painfully difficult for us to communicate and interact with negative people - people who constantly spoil our mood with their pessimism, anxiety and mistrust. Imagine being constantly prevented from pursuing your dreams because “only a few succeed at it.” Or imagine being constantly discouraged from learning something new—like scuba diving or horseback riding—because it’s “too dangerous.” Imagine constantly hearing negative things about other people (for example, “I can’t believe you told your neighbors you failed your driving test—now they’ll never respect you!”) If you regularly experience this kind of negative influence, This can greatly affect your pool of positivity, which in turn will cause you to either join the ranks of negative people or become indifferent or even rude towards negative people in your environment. How should you behave with negative people? One obvious solution is to simply not communicate with them. But this is easier said than done. We can always easily stop talking to a grumpy bartender or an airline manager who has trouble managing his anger, but we can't just turn away and stop talking to our parents, siblings, spouses, coworkers, or friends. A more practical approach to dealing with such people is to first try to understand the reasons for their negative attitude. In short, a negative attitude almost always has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: fear of being disrespected by others, fear of being unloved, and fear of something bad happening. These fears continuously feed each other, and as a result, a person gripped by them comes to the conclusion that “the world around us is very dangerous, and most people are bad.” A person gripped by such fears finds it difficult to believe in the need to follow his dreams (after all, he is guaranteed to fail along this path) and take risks, even if this is necessary for personal growth and development. It is also easy to understand why people who are captive of these fears find it very difficult to trust others. The fears that underlie a negative worldview manifest themselves in a wide variety of forms: • Vulnerability or a tendency to be offended by other people’s comments: for example, the phrase “you look great today” evokes an exclusively negative reaction: “So yesterday I looked bad?” • Categoricalism or the tendency to invest negative motivation in completely innocent actions of other people: for example, guests who do not praise the hostess’s treat are regarded as “uncouth rude people who do not deserve invitations in the future.” • Diffidence. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter along the path of life, which leads to severe anxiety when faced with such trials and to feelings of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials. • Demanding: Although negative people feel acutely insecure about their own abilities, they often persistently demand special achievements from their loved ones so that “I can be proud of you.” • Pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is bleak and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more willing to imagine how and why an important commercial visit might go wrong than vice versa. • Avoidance of risks, especially in matters of a social nature. This leads to a reluctance to disclose information that “could be used against me” and, as a result, boring conversations and superficial relationships. • The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially loved ones. For example, negative people make strict demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car they should buy, and so on. It is worth noting that all of the above manifestations of negativity have one thing in common, namely the tendency to blame external factors - other people, the environment or “luck” - rather than oneself and one’s negative attitude towards the world. Negative people often think, “If only people knew what I was capable of, if only people were kinder to me, if the world wasn’t full of dangers, and if only my friends, colleagues, and family treated me the way I should.” I would like that, I would be happy!” At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negative people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negatively minded people look with pessimism at their own future and at the same time demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negative people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and strive to control everything around them. If you look at negative people from this point of view, it becomes clear that their negativity is an almost undisguised cry for help. Of course, these people are not helping themselves by showing their plight and their desire to control everyone - they would be much more successful in trying to win love, respect and control if they realized that showing their plight and desire to control everyone is doomed to failure. — but the fact remains: negative people need help. An obvious but ultimately counterproductive way to help these people is to give them the love, respect, and control they crave. However, this can be a very slippery slope because over time people adapt to new conditions, and soon those around them will be forced to show even more love, respect and give these people even more control in order to make them happy. In other words, by fulfilling their wishes, you may be creating a Frankenstein who will come back to haunt you with renewed vigor. An alternative solution is to force negative people to find the sources of their negativity and understand that their negativity is more a reflection of their attitude towards the world than an objective state of affairs. Meanwhile, as I already wrote in another article, people are rarely able to adequately respond to critical statements, and those who are negatively disposed most likely will not listen to them at all, let alone take them into account. This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, face that negativity, and hope that the person standing in front of you will change someday. The second option is to try to find a professional counselor or mediator (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that a “third party” opinion will help the person understand that their negativity is not helping anyone. However, these two options most likely will not solve the underlying problem. In the first case, when you grit your teeth and hope that the negative person will eventually begin to perceive the world around him in a positive way, your passivity can serve as evidence that his negativity is justified. Over time, this will lead to growing and tightening demands on you and, if you are unable to meet these demands, to new complaints against you. One of the arguments against the second option is that negative people often tend to avoid solving the problem, hiding behind indignation and the perceived injustice of claims - “everyone around, even my best friends, is against me!” Even if a third party can show a negative person that his worldview is unproductive, this is unlikely to change the situation. This happens because recognizing the problem alone is not enough to solve it: this requires changing the subconscious thinking patterns that underlie negative worldviews. This brings us to the third and, from my point of view, the most reasonable option for behavior in a society of negatively minded people. In short, this option involves three elements: empathy for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness regardless of the negative attitude of your loved one, and maturity in your relationship with the negative person. Empathy rarely, if ever, involves giving a negative person advice to change his or her behavior. It also completely eliminates reading lectures about the sources of their negativity. As I wrote above, most of us are not ready to listen to negative and critical statements - this is especially true for negative people. It can be quite difficult for you not to react to such a person, especially if their negativity gets under your skin. However, remember that if you express everything to his face, this will not help solve the problem, but will only make it worse. It's also worth remembering that while you only have to deal with a negative person occasionally, they have to deal with themselves all the time! This thought can help you feel compassion for such a person. The second element—taking responsibility for your own positivity—suggests that you do whatever it takes to protect your own happiness. If you are unable to maintain a positive attitude and calmness, then all is lost. In one of my articles, I gave some tips on how you can take responsibility for your happiness. In short, this involves starting to think more positively about the world around you, but this may not be enough if you have to constantly deal with negativity: you may need regular breaks from and interaction with a negative person in order to remain calm. Of course, if you want to take regular breaks from him, you'll have to come up with a plausible explanation - you don't want your loved one to think that you're avoiding him. The third element, maturity, involves understanding that the most effective way to put such a person in a positive mood is to become the embodiment of a positive attitude. For example, blaming a negative person for making you see the world around you in dark colors will not help. Imagine the irony of telling someone to “stop blaming others for your negative worldview” while blaming them for bringing you down. How can you show your positive attitude towards the world in such a way as to force a negative person to adopt it, without stooping to lectures and moralizing? To do this, you need to learn - as much as possible - to behave like a person who is absolutely safe. That is, to behave like a person whom other people love and respect and who controls all important aspects of the lives of those around him. This means: do not let the negativity of others interfere with your natural desire to make your dreams come true, do not be afraid to take justifiable risks, trust other people. However, you should not do all this just to annoy a negative person or prove to him that you are right. It is best to behave naturally, so that spontaneity, a positive attitude and trust in relation to other people become your integral features. Then, if a negative person allows himself to make a skeptical or cynical remark - and he will certainly make one - take the opportunity to explain to him why you act the way you do. For example, if such a person warns you that your pursuit of a dream is futile, let him know that you perceive your chances of success differently, or tell him that you would rather try and fail than give up on your dream altogether. If a negative person warns you of the disastrous consequences of taking what you consider a justifiable risk, respond calmly: “Well, we’ll see what happens.” Let's hope that as a result of this risky venture you will not incur any losses and gain new valuable experience. Over time, the negative person will have to accept that although you are much more risk-averse, you are not reckless. Finally, if a negative person chastises you for trusting people too much, ask him to remind you of times when others took advantage of your trust to your detriment. (Let's hope there were very few or no such cases, because if not, the negative person may be right in saying that you are overly trusting.) You can also feel free to point to research findings: to form lasting and deep relationships , you need to trust your loved ones. (Hopefully, you can boast of a closer friendship than your interlocutor who perceives the world around him in a negative way.) Although it may take you a long time to see any results, sooner or later they will appear. Change will happen at an extremely slow pace, but once it happens, it will stick for a long time. The truth is that people enjoy being around positive people, so even a negative person will sooner or later appreciate your positive attitude towards the world. People also really like to experience positive emotions. Therefore, if a negative person absorbs your positivity in your presence, at some point he will begin to value himself more, and this in turn will lead to the fact that he will begin to trust others more and look into the future with greater optimism. As you've probably realized by now, dealing with negative people requires humility. The fact that you find it difficult to overcome others' negativity proves that you have seeds of negativity within yourself. If you didn't feel drained by the negativity of others—if you had absolute confidence in yourself—you wouldn't find the company of negative people so repulsive. Understanding that you need to work on yourself to cope with your own negativity, while helping others in their struggles with a negative outlook, will help you gain the ability to empathize, think positively, and the maturity necessary to carry out this difficult but a very necessary task. Good luck to you!
InoSMI materials contain assessments exclusively of foreign media and do not reflect the position of the InoSMI editorial staff.
Your method of fighting
Not all things deserve wasting time and attention. Sometimes dealing with a toxic person is like arguing with a crying baby because it is simply pointless and not worth wasting your energy. Try to calm down yourself first. Ask yourself, will there really be pleasure and benefit in the upcoming dispute? Is it worth it?
What advantages do you have to win the situation? Think about whether the problem is situational or will it disappear only with the passage of time? In addition, the quarrelsome person can sometimes help in other ways. It is in your best interest to come to terms with its features if they bring more benefit than harm.
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Healthy Boundaries
Wouldn't it be bad if a checkpoint could be set up to prevent a troublesome employee from trespassing? Sometimes a physical barrier is not possible, but you have the right to set boundaries.
Otherwise, the person who wants to “drink your blood” will constantly pester you. Set yourself an appointment time for such people. Protect yourself not only emotionally, but also physically, by protecting yourself from frequent contact with such characters. If you know you're in an emotionally charged situation, take a deep breath and calm down before you go on a "date."
Connect with like-minded people
Don't fight alone - there are always people who will support you. If you try to cope with the “snake” yourself, it rarely ends well - it’s difficult to feel your development when such a “stopping” character puts pressure on you. Find trusted people who will help and support you.
They can judge these situations objectively and find a way to deal with the toxic person. Sometimes all we want is to be heard and understood. Once we feel cared for, we can move on. Knowing that someone is standing “behind” you, protecting you, allows you to find the strength to interact with everything around you.
Arrogant snob
When Arrogant Snobs start singing their favorite song, “I'm better than you,” the method of calm questioning works best. Ask Snobs more questions so that they understand the absurdity of their claims to others. Questions like “who told you that you are better than others?” or “why wouldn’t you talk to such a person?” usually they are knocked off their arrogance, since they do not know how to respond to this.
It is very pleasant to tell the Arrogant Snobs everything that you think, because they do not expect such a turn of events and are shocked by your Attacks. If you find that you have suffered enough meanness from the Arrogant Snob and his friends, leave them and leave, saving your nerves. People who think they are better than you don't deserve attention.
Learn how to disarm your opponent
Is someone teasing you and focusing on your shortcomings? Provide balance - apply pressure. Don't react to someone studying you and looking for weaknesses. This will give them superiority. Instead, flip the script on the situation and focus on them.
Create neutralization by asking constructive and detailed questions that can keep the toxic person off balance. Are they trying to ruin your work? Let them criticize to the point. Ask about the specifics and clarity of their position. Are they being bullied for no reason? Point this out to them. Let them treat you politely - and you will answer them in kind!
Your happiness is in your own hands
Never let a toxic employee limit your joy or sources of pride. Don't let inappropriate comments or concerns stress you out. Nothing should overshadow your work and reduce productivity.
Recognize your accomplishments yourself—and focus only on constructive criticism. Take a moment to think about yourself - perhaps you see this flaw in yourself and are projecting it onto your opponent. This will help you understand what specifically you don't like. And remember: you are in complete control of yourself and your mental state. Stop comparing yourself to others and always remember that your self-worth must come from within.
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