Has it ever happened that a person hasn’t done anything to you, but causes irritation that you can’t explain?
“On an instinctive level” is how some prefer to put it. In fact, there is no instinctive hostility. The world around us and the people in it are always mirrors. And what irritates, pleases, or offends others in others should be perceived as something that provides information specifically about you.
And if a colleague, relative or salesperson at a nearby store causes disgust just by their mere existence, you need to understand the reason.
In this article:
4 reasons for instinctive hostilityHow to deal with disgust
Causes
Any effect has its causes. To understand why a person annoys you, you need to understand how hostility arises.
The following situations are possible:
- The cause of personal hostility is most often some unpleasant memory. For example, as a child, you were severely scolded by a person who had long hair. Now all men with shoulder length hair strike a nasty chord in your heart. But not all people can understand that distant memory and reality have common ground. Determine the type of person who pisses you off and think about whether he is the shadow of some important figure in your life?
- Different views of the world. The person who annoys you may have a point of view opposite to yours. Moreover, your opinions may not agree on many issues. A person with whom you cannot find a common language will annoy you.
- A person not from your social class will cause hostility. All people grow up in different conditions. Therefore, you should not be surprised that you and your friends may have different views on the same things. But in most cases, people who grew up in the same social group will have similar views on life, but people who are lower on the social ladder will annoy you because you will think they are stupid.
Primary limitation of aversion. Ritual cannibalism
At the first stage of the development of human society, cannibalism was limited to all members of the pack with the exception of one particularly weak and useless individual at that time - we are talking about a skin-visual boy.
Each of us is born with a certain specific role, which is determined by individual psychological and physical characteristics, corresponding abilities, inclinations and desires. When they are adequately filled, a person receives pleasure from his activity and at the same time brings benefit to society, ensuring its (and therefore his) survival.
Both in the ancient pack and in its more complex version - modern society - each member plays a certain role. Leaders lead the pack into the future. Hunters obtain food (money, resources), then strive to preserve and rationally use what they have obtained. There are cave guards and mentors (homebodies who protect the rear and educate children), night watchmen (today - musicians, programmers, scientists, creators of ideas).
There is also a so-called shaman, a gray cardinal who is hated and feared. He forces each member of the team to work hard for the whole, contrary to the inherent nature of laziness (the effect of mortido). With his input, elements that threaten the integrity of the flock are eliminated, both inside and outside.
His desire is to survive at all costs. But, unlike all other members of the pack, he unmistakably senses on an unconscious level that he cannot survive alone, only together with everyone else. He is not loved and hated because he forces everyone to work for society, but it is he who keeps his species alive by all means. Our survival depends on it.
The olfactory shaman concentrates the general hatred on himself, and at the last moment he is bought off by the victim - the weakest and most non-viable member of society, the skin-visual boy. The sacrifice is clothed in a ritual: a weak tribesman is eaten at a common table, uniting the members of the pack and making them closer to each other. Until now, this method has been unconsciously applied in an indirect way.
It is easy to observe sacrifice in groups, the “eating” of individuals, thus removing the general tension that has accumulated as a result of unfulfilled desires. As in cave times, the weakest person, who cannot defend himself, is chosen as the victim. Members of the collective, uniting, “make friends” against him, bringing down on the “scapegoat” all their hostility, which, in the absence of a victim, they would pour out on each other, contributing to the disintegration and death of the entire group.
Manifestation
How does personal hostility manifest itself? A person who annoys you will evoke a lot of emotions in your soul. Your nerves will become more and more tense with every word he says, and when you can’t stand it any longer, you will unleash a stream of unflattering abuse on him. Most often, this is how people express their dissatisfaction and hostility. All this will be accompanied by a furious scream and active gesticulation. Such a manifestation of feelings is typical for unrestrained people. More adequate people will not demonstrate their incontinence to others. They will do things differently. Well-mannered individuals will talk to their opponents politely and condescendingly, like a child. Sometimes this manner is even more annoying than shouting. After all, it’s a shame when an adult considers his interlocutor a stupid and inadequate child to whom everything needs to be explained twice.
Consequences
A person has to answer for every action he takes. And for incontinence too. But the manifestation of hostility is the result of incontinence. How is a person responsible for his actions? He spoils the relationship with the person who is unpleasant to him. And, it would seem, what’s wrong with that? But in reality it turns out that you are ruining relationships not with one person, but with an entire group. Every personality, even one that is unpleasant to you, will have supporters who, after a stormy scandal between you and the intolerable person, will turn their backs on you. Whether you like it or not, sometimes you have to maintain social connections even with people you don’t like.
Another consequence of your disregard for certain individuals may be your reputation. Someone will consider you an arrogant person with whom you should not have anything to do.
Don't beat yourself up
Personal hostility arises not from the person himself, but from your attitude towards him. To eliminate the oppressive feeling that arises in your soul, try to treat everyone with an open mind. Don't believe the rumors that the world is full of. They can be disbanded by ill-wishers. Don't make any judgment about a person until you've talked to them in person. Only when you manage to form your own opinion can you condemn a person or praise him. But it’s better not to do even this until you get to know the person better. After all, everyone can be in a bad mood or have troubles in their personal life. A person may simply have a headache. You shouldn't say that a person is too gloomy if you have no idea how things are going with him now. Don’t stress yourself out and don’t think that the world revolves around you, then life will be easier.
How to communicate and interact with a hated person?
The most difficult thing in the fight against hatred is the need to cope with the feeling in conditions of forced interaction with its object.
What to do in such a situation? Psychologists advise the following:
- limit communication with the hated person as much as possible;
- control your feelings, in case of an “acute attack”, apologize and leave the room, leave an event or meeting;
- ignore all attacks directed at you, no matter how difficult it may be, do not give a reason for them;
- do not incite or pick on the object of your hostility, do not provoke conflicts;
- set boundaries of interaction and never violate them.
If the person towards whom you feel acute hostility has not earned it in any specific way, then you can quite easily try to get rid of your own hatred by starting to communicate closely with him. In what situations is this appropriate? When there is hatred that does not have clear and objective reasons, for example, in the presence of racial prejudice, rejection of a culture or way of life that differs from one’s own. However, before you try to get to know a person better, you need to understand whether you can control your own hatred.
Always give people a second chance
As stated above, it takes some time to get to know a person. Therefore, you should not think that he is bad if he let you down or offended you. Before judging someone, always find out the reason for the person’s behavior. Perhaps she had reasons to help someone other than you.
Do you hear the phrase “I have a personal dislike”? Think about how often the person uttering these words forgives people. Only a person who does not forgive his friends and who tends to accumulate grievances will not give people a second chance. Compassionate individuals treat everyone equally and, accordingly, do not experience hostility at all. Of course, you shouldn’t forgive everyone, but you should learn to trust people.
Types of antipathy
It is believed that the phenomenon under consideration comes in two variations: unconscious (reflexive, subconscious, intuitive) and conscious.
The first one appears unexpectedly, unaccountably. It's quite difficult to control. To generate lasting antipathy, a short glance, a carelessly escaped phrase, an imprudent action, loud laughter, or behavior that goes beyond the generally accepted is often enough. At the same time, a person who feels antipathy towards another person, as a rule, cannot explain what caused such rejection.
Conscious dislike manifests itself as a result of differences in moral positions, moral guidelines, understanding of goodness, and “correct” behavior. For example, a person is a workaholic, and his colleague tends to be constantly late to the place of work, devotes too little time to his own job responsibilities, constantly tries to shift them to surrounding employees, and often organizes “smoking breaks” for himself. Naturally, a person who is completely devoted to his professional activities will condemn the described behavior and the lazy employee, which subsequently gives rise to an unfriendly attitude up to a persistent feeling of antipathy.
The sensation in question is always subjective and concrete. A person easily wins over one individual, but causes a feeling of antipathy in another.
The human psyche is organized in such a way that to the vast majority of individuals their own preferences, habits, tastes, and views seem the most true and natural. Therefore, when faced with views, passions, aspirations, habits that do not correspond to their own, people begin to experience psychological discomfort.
Find out more about the person
The boss’s personal hostility is formed due to a lack of information. If you know more about your subordinates, you will be able to relate to their situation. Many bosses are accustomed to making biased judgments. For example, a person is late for work, which means he is a bad employee. But he can raise a young child alone and not be able to arrive on time for the reason that he takes the child to kindergarten.
Never blame people if you can't look at the whole situation. No grades should be given. You have your own life, so live it. No need to mind your own business. Except for those cases that relate directly to you and work with you. Recalling the above example, we can say that the boss should not know how his employees spend their leisure time, but they need to know about the marital status and the general state of affairs of their subordinates. The same goes for friends, colleagues and family.
Why does hatred appear?
The reasons for the appearance of this feeling are a mystery to psychologists. Of course, if a person experiences such an emotion in relation to someone specific who has offended him or caused him pain, who has prevented him from achieving his goals, then the origins of hatred are obvious. There are no ambiguities when this feeling arises in relation to duties, events or phenomena that are unpleasant to a person, but he is forced to come into contact with them.
But what about hatred for something that people have never directly encountered in their lives? Where does the categorical rejection of other cultures, foreign traditions or habits come from? Psychologists cannot answer these questions unambiguously.
Thus, this feeling can appear both as a consequence of the conflict, that is, for obvious and objective reasons, and in the form of an irrational emotion provoked by fears, lack of information, propaganda, cultural traditions of society, features of historical development and much more. For example, if a family holds certain views on something, then the child “absorbs” them from infancy.
Change the wording
Does your boss dislike you? Personal hostility towards a subordinate may arise as a result of envy. It would seem that the very idea that a boss is jealous of his ward is quite strange. But this happens quite often. Are you unable to cope with envy, which over time develops into hostility? Think about what good things you can say about your employee. He has a wonderful family, a loving wife and excellent children. Yes, a person may seem boring to you, but he is a decent family man and you can respect him for that. Now your subordinate is not just a boring guy, but a good and responsible employee. By paraphrasing your opinion about a person, you will find it easier to find a common language with him. Everyone should get into the habit of learning to find something good in people, and only then - bad.
How to get rid of hatred towards all humanity?
How to stop hating people around you? This is a question that requires consultation with a psychologist. Hatred of humanity is a very serious disorder; it can be either an independent specific phobia or a symptom accompanying neuroses and other pathologies.
Of course, hatred of people is not always a sign of mental illness. It can appear after severe nervous shocks, be a consequence of stress, or develop due to a series of insults, humiliations, and insults from others.
It is impossible to understand on your own what exactly such hatred is and cope with it. The help of a specialist and sometimes medication is required.
Understand that not everyone thinks like you.
Many conflicts occur due to personal hostility. What's the big deal? The fact is that people cannot come to a common opinion. Each person views the situation from his own point of view and does not want to understand that his opponent cannot look at the world from someone else’s point of view. Always consider the fact that everyone thinks differently. To establish a relationship with a person, you need to descend to his level of development. If a simple worker is sitting in front of you, then there is no need to convey information to him in pompous words. It is unlikely that the essence of what was said will reach the person. Don't try to demonstrate your intelligence in this way. Explain the information to the person clearly. In this case, you will see understanding in the eyes of your opponent and will not consider him narrow-minded. If you are talking to someone who is smarter than you, try to use your strength and imagination to understand everything that is being said to you. You don’t need to think that they are boasting of knowledge in front of you. It’s just that you and the person speak different languages. Before you label someone and say that they annoy you, think about whether you are in the same social environment and think the same way.
A secondary constraint on hostility is culture.
When, in the process of evolution, direct cannibalism was abolished (the unconscious once again reduced the increased collective desires for sex and murder, already weakly restrained by primary prohibitions), a secondary restriction arose associated with the abolition of the sacrifice of a weak member of the pack. This ensured his survival and development, and gave humanity a culture, thanks to which not only great works of art subsequently appeared, but also humanism, which proclaimed human (hereinafter - any) life as the highest value.
Culture offered an alternative to animal venting of hatred through sacrifice. She ensured the removal of hostility in society through empathy and compassion. We began to be guided by the concept of “morality”. Thanks to the feeling of a neighbor, an educated person has learned to respond emotionally to the experiences of other people. Secondary ones appeared - cultural prohibitions on human hostility. It is difficult to overestimate in this sense the importance of Christianity - the locomotive of culture, which for two thousand years has been restraining our innate animal hatred through the cultivation of love for one's neighbor.
But at this stage of development, culture has practically exhausted its capabilities. The process of growth of our desires, once out of balance, does not stop for a second. Nowadays, their volume is so great that cultural prohibitions are no longer able to contain them. Increased desires require more fulfillment, which they do not receive. At the same time, the depth of our frustrations, the volume and strength of accumulated hatred also increases. Today we will not only be irritated in response to rudeness, the degree of our hostility can jump to fierce hatred. And it’s not far from direct destruction.
Modern humanity has not yet learned to adequately realize increased desires, and by acting directly, animal manifestations are capable of sweeping away all the accumulated primary and cultural restrictions: cannibal people are capable of eating each other both figuratively and literally.
Everyone has their flaws
Personal hostility towards the victim, and indeed towards any other person you meet at work, can sometimes be very difficult to hide. It is especially difficult to restrain your emotions when you know in advance that in front of you is a bad person. For example, this is a person who brought trouble upon himself. How to understand such people? Accept that everyone has their flaws. You have the power to evaluate people, but there is not a single ideal person in the world. Everyone has been guilty of something, everyone has their own sins and shortcomings. By understanding this, you will be able to reduce the personal hostility that arises in you every time you look at some person or some type of people.
Some signs of sympathy
There are several signs of liking that influence why we like other people. Let's look at them in more detail:
Similarity.
We like a person if there is some similarity with him. This includes not only external similarity, but also similar values and views. The similarity of interests and opinions is powerfully manifested in certain behaviors. For example, attending the same parties, studying the same subjects, playing a certain sport.
Public exchange.
Pleasant relationships will be those where there is balance in mutual exchange. We find unpleasant individuals who “took” something but “did not return it.” This applies to both the financial and intimate sides of relationships. But this effect also occurs in everyday life. If you told a lot about yourself to another, but he did not say anything, then sympathy is unlikely to arise.
Sympathy for you.
People like those who like them. This factor prevails over others. The importance of showing affection was mentioned even in the 16th century in instructions for sellers. It is worth showing sympathy to customers, and then they will certainly make a profitable purchase.
Positive associations.
Comparing people with different life circumstances even leads to superstitious behavior. It is difficult to find logic in such an association, especially if it is positive.
Physical attractiveness.
Outwardly attractive individuals are endowed with positive traits. They are considered benevolent, balanced, talented. People believe that they have pleasant character traits, get better jobs, etc.
Attractive people are considered versatile, happy, self-confident, and witty. But attributing such qualities has some consequences. Such people are more likely to get jobs, are more willing to help, and have a higher chance of winning elections and in court.
Emotions are not the best friend
Personal hostility of a boss to a subordinate or a subordinate to a boss is usually accompanied by the appearance of emotions. You should learn to restrain yourself and not give vent to your aggression. Nothing good will happen if you actively show someone your bad attitude. Start the conversation with a smile. Yes, she will be on duty, but this will help smooth out the rough edges of the relationship. Do you want to treat all people with restraint? Then stop using emotions during the dialogue. This means that you do not need to give an emotional assessment of what is happening. You will give it after you talk. In this case, you will not have a chance to lose your temper, and you will calmly talk with anyone, even the most unpleasant type.
Types of misanthropes
According to general characteristics, there are two main types of misanthropes:
- passive - these are individuals who do not show obvious aggression;
- active - those who do not hide the manifestation of negativity towards others and even experience pleasure from insults and humiliation of people they do not like.
However, delving into the characteristics of a misanthrope, we can also identify such types as a “bitter personality” and a “fighter for justice.”
Fierce Personality
This type only notices the bad side of the world, believing that humanity cannot change, so it is necessary to completely refuse communication. They can turn into recluses and hermits.
Fighter for justice
This type is an idealist who loves the world deep down and dreams of improving it. Being a supporter of any reforms, he does not tolerate injustice well, as a result of which he acquires a sharply categorical attitude towards individuals, but not towards the whole world.
Misanthropes cannot be reduced to a general model of behavior; they can be completely different personalities
Mirroring
Have you ever thought about what a leader's personal hostility is? But this is nothing more than a reflection of the working staff’s own shortcomings. Think about what irritates you most about your friends. Disorganization, isolation, lack of initiative? Do you have all these advantages? Most likely no. So why is it annoying in others that you can forgive yourself? The fact that a person cannot forgive himself for some mistakes causes irritation. But since a person cannot allow himself to condemn himself, he condemns those around him. Therefore, always be attentive to personal hostility and try to understand its nature. You are rarely annoyed by people who are not like you. Much more often you will meet people who will remind you of your personal shortcomings. If you notice a tendency to find fault with others, start working on yourself. By eliminating shortcomings in yourself, you will stop finding fault with other people.
