Responsibility for your life - how to take it and what are the benefits

Definitely, everyone around us has someone they know who is being hindered by something in their life. He always lacks something for complete happiness. This could be the state and its unimportant policies, a boss who pays little but demands a lot, or parents who did not give an apartment, a car, or education. Such an objectionable list can be continued endlessly.

The people around us are different, but all those who are dissatisfied have one thing in common - they have all shifted responsibility for their lives to others. Maybe you have such a sin too? Let's discuss the question in detail and find answers to it.

What is the meaning of taking responsibility?

Awareness and acceptance of responsibility for your life means that you clearly understand: everything that happens to you, by and large, is the result of your actions and your choices. Yes, today we live the results of what we were achieving yesterday. Work, love relationships, environment, your place in the sun - these are all the consequences of your and only your choice.

There is a good expression in Spiritual Economics: “Let your “yes” be really “yes” and your “no” really be “no.” Whatever is added to this is from the evil one” (NRT, Matt. 5:37). In your life you have to make decisions. If you are looking for excuses and justifications, looking for tips from others, then you are abdicating all responsibility.

What are the advantages

The benefits of taking responsibility for your life:

Independent goal setting and achievement. Awareness of your strengths and capabilities gives you an incentive to take a step towards your desires. For example, you want to eat healthy, but you complain about the lack of time and the high cost of food. Now you can set a goal to earn more or spend less on unnecessary little things in order to order a ready-made menu or buy the desired red fish and avocado.
Self confidence. Nothing gives you more self-confidence than realizing that in most cases you are in control of the situation. For example, you do not depend on your husband or parents for money. You are always able to pay for your own needs and you do not need to report to anyone.
Controlling uncertainty. When a person is characterized by infantility, he is dependent on external factors, people and their mood. By taking responsibility for yourself, you take control of your circumstances. For example, there is a crisis in the country and there will definitely be reductions at work. But you are not afraid of what it will affect you and how you will live later. You yourself begin to prudently look for a new job and learn new skills. You are independent.
Creating healthy and harmonious relationships. A person who is responsible for himself can calmly say “no” to all those people and relationships that are toxic for him and do not bring him satisfaction. For example, you cannot leave a job you hate because you have children and no other sources of income. You live and think that circumstances are against you. In fact, if you think about it, you can study online courses, create a financial cushion and leave calmly. It's all about approach and purpose. You either decide for yourself, or they do it for you, and you just live to the fullest.

Our course “Your own psychologist” will help you better understand yourself and your needs. You will also be able to learn more about how different types of people think and build harmonious relationships with them.

How to get rid of the victim mentality?

What if, having realized the need to take responsibility for your entire life, you set out to get rid of the victim mentality once and for all?

This task is not an easy one, but it is quite doable if you are ready to seriously work on yourself.

MF is not just a character trait, such as introversion or increased emotionality. This is a fundamental part of your perception, and it will not be easy to get rid of it. Even if your victim mentality only manifests itself in certain areas of your life, such as relationships with people, it actually permeates your entire life, which makes it very difficult to get rid of it.

In addition, the MF functions and manifests itself without your knowledge, on a subconscious level, dictating a certain perception within which you react and act. Therefore, in order to get rid of the victim mentality, you will have to not only catch its manifestations on a conscious level, but also work on working on it on a subconscious level.

To get rid of MF, you need to carefully and completely shovel your inner world and throw out from your subconscious everything that formed it and continues to indulge it - your childhood traumas and grievances that you still have not let go of, your limiting beliefs, your inflated sense of self importance, your ideas about justice and injustice, your expectations about other people and much more.

For this work you need to use your subconscious. If you work only on a conscious level, you simply will not get to such deep-seated things as, for example, a charge of grievances and traumas from deep childhood.

In addition, your internal limitations are closely intertwined with each other. For example, limiting beliefs are caused by certain traumatic episodes, and episodes are created by pre-existing beliefs.

Therefore, it is pointless to try to pull out some individual emotions or beliefs from your mind and try to work with them - you need to work through everything comprehensively.

We need a system that would allow us to work through our entire subconscious and eliminate from there everything that forces you to perceive, think and react like a victim.

There is such a system, and it’s called Turbo Gopher .

How to understand that you are not in control of your life

The expression “living someone else’s life” is very suitable here. Yes exactly. A person lives, but not the way he really would like. He does everything according to practice, adopts other people’s behavioral scenarios and is subject to constant influence from the outside.

Characteristic signs that this life is not yours:

Constant desire to criticize. An annoying careerist friend or sister who got married early and immediately gave birth to three children and is constantly on maternity leave. You evaluate them and find flaws in their lives. In fact, there is envy lurking here. Because they live as they want, but you feel that you cannot realize yourself enough and don’t know what to do in life.
Everything is boring. Nothing makes you happy: not a new dress, not a trip abroad, not meeting friends. Nothing. You do not get joy and pleasure from the events that are happening. This can lead to depression in the future.
Feeling of constant irritation. You feel anger and contempt for more successful people. The productive work of colleagues and the joyful conversations of others are annoying.
There is no desire to make plans and achieve goals. There is an idea to change something in your life for the better, but in your head you only think about the most difficult options for execution. You impose an unspoken taboo on simple solutions to your problems.
Only formalities are a priority. Success for you is only money, praise and position in society.

Of course, there are people who are happy to go with the flow. There is less demand from them and they like the position of a victim of circumstances. By the way, psychologists say that the role of a victim is a kind of drug, and individuals experience pleasure from this position.

How to deal with toxic employees

Breaking up with a toxic colleague is not always possible. Sometimes there are too many tasks and there is no way to allocate resources to finding a new employee. Therefore, the manager has to learn to manage such employees. The key in this process is to reduce the damage to the company and try to guide the toxic employee in a productive direction.

Look for the reasons for toxic behavior

Start by looking for the real reasons behind toxic behavior. It is usually difficult to communicate with toxic colleagues - they take everything with hostility and look for difficulties and problems where there are none. But if you abstract from emotions, you can try to find out why they behave this way.

It’s worth starting with a conversation, preferably one-on-one and in an environment where nothing will distract from the conversation. You should not talk in front of other employees; a toxic employee may begin to “play to the public” and communication will not be effective.

It is important to understand whether the employee is always toxic in and of himself, or whether there is some trigger for the manifestation of unpleasant aspects of his character.
Someone, for example, in a rush situation begins to panic and demotivate the team. Others, on the contrary, relax if they do not have enough workload, and pull the team along with them. Knowing the strengths and weaknesses of an employee, you can plan his workload taking them into account and thus minimize controversial situations. Remember, an employee behaves in one way or another most often unconsciously. Try not to give in to emotions, do not become a toxic leader yourself. You should not reprimand a person in front of a group, this will only make the situation worse. Discuss the problem one-on-one, directly say what reactions or actions you don’t like, and together look for possible solutions.
Kristina Petrova
founder of PR Perfect agency

Find out what worries the employee, what he doesn’t like. If possible, ask him what he would like to change in his work. Perhaps he is worried about a lack of competence? Or does he need more time to complete tasks? As a rule, toxic people have tense relationships with managers; they expect pressure, problems and conflict from talking with their boss. Therefore, a friendly conversation can bring down their conflicting mood, they will tell you what the problem really is.

Two years ago, we hired an excellent programmer.
Six months later, he showed his character: he began to openly discuss the work of other employees, and from a negative side, saying that it was not the team, but only he, who was making a feasible contribution to the development of the project. We found out the reason for this behavior. It turns out that he did not have enough time for his hobby. I gave him a flexible schedule, subject to meeting KPIs, the problem was solved. I also expanded his area of responsibility - I assigned him to maintain a corporate blog. And he warned that we would participate in a blog competition, and the result would depend on his work. The effect was amazing.
The appearance of a toxic employee in a team is a test of a leader’s strength. You don’t need to give up right away, but don’t delay it either: if you couldn’t rehabilitate an employee, it’s better to say goodbye to the person, no matter how professional he may be.
Boris Sysoev
founder of HR startup TestWork.io

Give feedback

Toxic employees do not always understand the negativity their actions bring to the company. Sometimes a problem can be resolved through calm feedback. Tell the employee what’s wrong with his behavior and why it negatively affects the atmosphere in the team. It is better if communication is built without emotions, logically and rationally. Alternatively, you can give feedback in writing.

Use specific examples so that the feedback does not seem like aggression or an unwarranted attack. The goal of communication is to solve the problem of toxicity, not to cause a defensive reaction.

It can be helpful to explain the consequences of toxic behavior. For example, build a logical chain. If an employee constantly criticizes everyone, his attitude towards work worsens, creative energy and positive attitude disappear, people don’t want to work, deadlines are missed. As a result, the company will not receive payment for the order and will have to close. This will also have a negative impact on the toxic employee - he will be left without a salary, he will have to look for a new job, and there will be bad reviews about him.

Be careful with labels

A person who works differently from what is customary in the team is not always toxic. This could be an employee with creative thinking and non-standard logic. The manager’s task is to understand in time who is in front of him and to use this originality for the benefit of the business, because it is precisely such people who can creatively approach solving complex problems.

Alexander Khmyl, project manager at HostFly, is sure that when a team includes people with unconventional thinking, who are more active than their colleagues, tension and conflict arise. But managers do not delve into the nature of such conflicts; as a result, progressive employees who can bring benefits to the business find themselves in a toxic position. This is a big mistake.

In such a situation, a manager should think not about managing toxic employees, but about normalizing the situation in the team, taking into account the abilities of all employees.
It is important to understand that toxic employees do not get into the company during normal personnel selection. This means that they became like this within the team. Study the work processes and attitudes towards the responsibilities of all team members. In our practice, people who wanted to express themselves but were restrained by less proactive colleagues became toxic. Therefore, do not make hasty decisions.
Alexander Khmyl
HostFly project manager

If it doesn't work out, break up

Some of the experts we interviewed believe that toxic employees cannot be changed. It is also impossible to manage them - they are quite despotic, if the leader says something against, this is perceived not as constructive criticism, but as an attack. Therefore, the only correct, albeit difficult, decision will be to leave.

Toxic people usually believe that what they are doing is absolutely right and for the benefit of others.
Such employees may be productive and bring in good income, but their influence on the atmosphere within the team will ultimately cause much more harm than good. It reduces the effectiveness of other employees who work directly with him. If you are faced with a toxic employee, you need to make a decision to part ways, even if you are not his immediate supervisor, but are higher up. The main thing is to act methodically and consistently, without unnecessary emotions and with a clear position. Sometimes the separation process can drag on for several months, but then the whole team will be able to breathe freely.
Anastasia Borovskaya
Director of the Russian School of Management

Briefly about what to do if you have a toxic employee on your team

A toxic employee is a person who poisons the atmosphere in the team and prevents others from working productively through their actions or inactions.
Toxicity can manifest itself in constant criticism and disregard for corporate rules and values. Such people consider themselves better than others and constantly criticize their colleagues and superiors.
There is another toxicity - when people are active, but shift their work to others. Or they intrigue instead of working. Toxic employees also do not like to take responsibility; someone else is always to blame for their mistakes.
There are few ways to manage such employees. Try to find the reasons for toxicity - perhaps the employee wants to show himself this way. In this case, expanding the area of responsibility can help.
It is also important to constantly give feedback. Not understanding how their manager treats them, employees begin to burn out and display unpleasant character traits. It is important that an employee always knows how well he performs his duties and where he can grow next.
If you can't change a toxic employee, break up with him.

Why you shouldn't take responsibility for others to the detriment of yourself

Living in society and creating families, people tend to take on extra responsibility. But how can you be responsible for something that is beyond your control? You can provide help and assistance if the person himself contacts you. But you can’t try to do everything for him.

For example, you can help your son get an education, but you should not drag him by the ears to a successful career. Or here’s another everyday example – an attempt to rehabilitate an alcoholic. Feed him, listen to whining about his difficult fate, take him by the hand to doctors, provide for him and wait for him to come to his senses. Nothing will change like that, you provide comfort and are responsible for it. Why should he change anything?

Do you want to drive a Tesla? Choose Tesla!

“Maria, I’m afraid to take responsibility! What should we do about it?

- clients ask somewhere in the middle of the session.

Understand the main thing: being responsible for yourself is beneficial. In some places it’s even a thrill! You no longer have to wait for your mom to buy a toy or your husband to allocate money for a phone. When you are in charge, you decide for yourself. I wanted it, I made it happen. And what we’re talking about: a new business or a new dress is the tenth thing.

Yes, becoming responsible for your life means being responsible for your actions yourself. But it's not as scary as they make it out to us. Business didn't work out? The new one will be better, taking into account the mistakes. Tired of the dress? I will sell and buy another one. I made a mistake myself - I corrected it myself, what are the problems?

Everything that is in our life depends on us. Both your own apartment with a view of the Kremlin, and a rented one-room apartment on the outskirts are OUR choice, helping to solve OUR problems. For example:

One successfully develops from the comfort zone. The refrigerator is stocked, the apartment is paid for, the person is calm and goes about his business.
The other begins to move only when it is “cooked”. When everything is fine, he lies on the couch, and when stressed, he shows amazing abilities. Naturally, he is constantly in a storm: either he will be fired from his job, or a friend will let him down, or his children will get sick.

We all know a thousand such stories:

I haven’t rested for a long time - I got sick and “rest” in the hospital;
I couldn’t decide to start my own business - I was fired from my stable job;
I got my license, but didn’t get behind the wheel – I had to take my child to specialists.

If we don't go through our lessons calmly, life will tighten the screws to focus us on what's important.

Why is responsibility for other people harmful?

There are a number of reasons for this:

You are violating other people's personal boundaries. Just come in and set your own rules. This is how you can quietly become an abuser.
Spend your time and life energy making others comfortable. Maybe you wanted to take up tennis, but instead you regularly solve all your friend’s questions.
You don’t give your mentee the opportunity to prove themselves. By making decisions for another person, you deprive him of the incentive for development and growth.

Once again: it is good to provide help, and even sometimes without consent, when it comes to life and health. It is not good to patronize an adult and healthy person from all sides. He may enjoy this situation, but why should you live someone else’s life? It’s even more dangerous if it suddenly brings you hidden joy.

There is a great quote in Spiritual Economics: “He who watches the wind will never sow, and he who watches the clouds will never reap” (NRT, Eccl. 11:4). Distribute your resources and capabilities correctly. Otherwise, solving the problems of strangers, you will not notice how your one and only life goes by.

How to take responsibility for your life: expert advice

This is probably the most pressing request when contacting a psychologist. Believe me, you can do without a personal consultation. Domestic and world experts have long and repeatedly analyzed in detail the problem of infantilism in adults on all media platforms. Experts in the field of psychology have identified a number of recommendations to help people, following which a person learns to take responsibility for his life and be happy.

The path to your real life is this:

Stop shifting responsibility to external circumstances: born in the wrong place or in the wrong family, no time, unsuccessful marriage, etc. Look for the cause of discomfort not from the outside, but from within yourself;
acknowledge your decisions and their results to others and yourself;
do not shift responsibility onto other people: an inattentive husband, a mother who pokes her nose everywhere; do not say: “he/she is to blame”, “if it weren’t for him/her, it would have been different”, etc.;
stop finding excuses for your laziness and inaction;
there is no need to deliberately look for shortcomings in yourself and blame them for all your misfortunes.

There is a true saying in Spiritual Economics: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NRT, John 8:32). Only by taking responsibility for yourself will you see many opportunities around you. Be the master of your life, and not a slave of circumstances - feel the difference!

Our Life Navigator course will help you hear your inner self. You will learn to quickly find solutions in any life situations and live happily.

Feelings of guilt for the negative consequences of decisions made

First, let's try to give up the feeling of guilt for what is happening to us. And let's look at our troubles from the point of view of a consistent picture of the world in order to understand their origin and consequences.

Let us formulate a definition of guilt, analyze its source and reasons for its occurrence. From a psychological point of view, guilt is a destructive emotional reaction of a person to self-blame and self-condemnation. The feeling of guilt is essentially aggression directed at oneself, a desire for self-punishment. One more definition. Guilt is guilt in the general sense, a subjective or social characteristic that determines the presence of responsibility for committed acts.

From this we can conclude that the feeling of guilt arises when we, taking responsibility for events or actions, realize their negative consequences for ourselves or other people. Thus, personal responsibility is the source of guilt, and the negative consequences of decisions made are its cause. It seems to us that the negative consequences of decisions and actions taken are obvious and objective, and if we created them, then we are to blame. Admission of guilt must be followed by punishment. Self-punishment suppresses our will and creates fear in making decisions. Guilt is destructive to our personality. In order to get rid of the feeling of guilt, we are ready to refuse to accept responsibility and try to shift it to any external factors. By giving up control of our destiny, we destroy our lives. It turns out to be a vicious circle from which there seems to be no way out.

In fact, there is a way out. To see and understand it, you need to look at yourself and the events happening to us from the point of view of a consistent picture of the world . To do this, imagine at least for a minute that everything in this world is good and correct, that everything that happens to you and around you is the result of the decisions you made. Without fear and prejudice, look at your life as if from the outside, from the outside. Try to see it as a whole, as a continuous, interconnected chain of events. You will be surprised to discover that without defeats there would be no victories, without the catastrophic consequences of decisions made there would be no amazing gains.

We created this life, and we are not to blame for anything. Every moment we make a decision based on all our beliefs that we have formed throughout our previous life. In order for us to make a different decision, we needed to live a slightly different life with different beliefs. In other words, each of our current manifestations of will is determined by all previous ones. This is one of the reasons to give up feeling guilty for unsuccessful decisions and actions.

Another and, perhaps, the main reason for abandoning the feeling of guilt is that what we are accustomed to consider, due to a limited, fragmented worldview, as troubles, misfortunes and misfortunes, in fact, are not such. More precisely, these events are seen as such due to our emotional and biased assessment of them. This happens because, while experiencing an ongoing event, we cannot assess its impact on our future life. We will not consider situations where a little trouble saves you from a big disaster. Although such cases have also been recorded. Much more interesting are the consequences of seemingly wrong decisions, which radically change our attitude towards ourselves, towards people, towards the world and God for the better. By looking fearlessly and objectively at our lives, each of us can discover such events in our lives. If troubles and tragedies have already happened to you, but your life hasn’t changed for the better after them, don’t worry, everything is ahead. The paradox is that it is the misfortunes that happen to us, especially as a result of our choices, that have the greatest impact on our lives. Provided that we evaluate it fearlessly and objectively.

From the point of view of a consistent picture of the world, a mistake in making a decision is a teaching and soul-developing lesson, of course, if we perceive it adequately. Even if the consequences of our decision negatively affect other people, as we think, we should not feel guilty. We must understand, accept and consciously pay for what we have done. Those who play these games with us chose them themselves, have the right to their own assessment of events and are themselves responsible for their results. Troubles, misfortunes and misfortunes that happen to us are nothing more than incentives for our development, in addition, they bring a variety of experiences into our lives.