My child is constantly whining! How to stop this? Expert advice

What to do if a child is constantly capricious, protests, does not listen, throws tantrums and does not let his mother go for a single step?

A one-year-old baby pleases his parents with his new skills: he understands speech, and even tries to pronounce his first words; he gets to his feet and begins to walk. It would seem that this is the happiness of a mother - an “almost adult” person!

But before the parents have time to think that it’s time to relax a little, they discover that it’s as if someone has replaced their sweet, smiling and accommodating child with a capricious and completely impossible child.

What's happened? Is the child sick? Have you experienced severe stress? Or was he spoiled for attention? Most likely, the reason is different - the crisis of one year has come.

Most often, children use crying to manipulate their parents.

There are situations when a child hits something and starts crying for objective reasons. Or his tears are provoked by resentment, which is caused by incorrect actions on the part of his parents. For example, their indifferent attitude. In these cases, the child's crying is justified.

However, when the baby starts crying for no apparent reason, most likely he is trying to manipulate you. This can manifest itself in situations like the following. For example, you are talking on the phone with a friend. The child is trying to get your attention. But you don't react because you're talking on the phone. Then the child starts crying for no reason. Pretend to be offended. And thus attracts your attention.

If the mother immediately hangs up and begins to calm the baby (even though she herself does not understand why he is crying), this may negatively affect the future relationship. He will understand that crying is a lever of pressure with which he can achieve what he wants. Moreover, in any situation.

What's going on with mom and dad?

As long as parents are dealing with an infant, questions do not arise: “Does the child listen?”, “Does he behave well?” etc. If a four-month-old baby cries, it means she needs to be fed, her diaper changed, or held. But no adequate adult would think of forbidding her to cry or punishing her for crying. The topic of “upbringing” comes up only closer to the year when the child becomes a “separate person” with his own free will.

The problem is that mothers and fathers are also not always ready for this important change in the baby. Often they still try to completely control his every move. The appearance of your child’s desires causes irritation, and sometimes shock: “Why doesn’t he listen to me? Is that possible?

In fact, there is no reason to panic: every child experiences a one-year crisis . This is a natural stage of development. The negative moments of growing up - whims, hysterics and protests - will sooner or later become a thing of the past, and the only gains that will remain with the baby are the awareness of oneself as a separate person from the mother, the ability to walk and talk.

Reasons why babies cry

There are several reasons that can cause a baby to cry. They are the following:

1. The child wants to achieve what he wants by crying

   . Tears are a very powerful tool of manipulation that most children resort to. If parents do not stop it in childhood, the child will use it even in adolescence. When he doesn't like something, he will start crying. Pressure on parents' pity. And thereby force them to do what he wants.

2. Chad loves being small

   . There is an opinion that older children use crying due to immaturity. They have not yet outgrown the period when certain compromises with parents can be achieved through dialogue. And they always use crying when they don’t like a certain decision of adults. Or their behavior. For example, when dad is watching a political program on TV, his adult daughter may ask him to turn it off. Of course, the father will not do this. Because he will be interested in what the program participants will say next. Then the daughter begins to cry. Tell mom: “Ask dad to turn off the TV!” I don't like this program! Mom, in order to calm her daughter down, will insist on turning off the TV. And the girl will begin to manipulate crying in the future.

3. Baby tries to get attention by crying

   . Tears are also used by children if parents pay little attention to them. Or they don’t communicate with them at all. If you pay little attention to your child, he is guaranteed to cry. And in a similar way, he will try to get you to show at least some emotions towards him. Even if they are negative. For example: “Stop crying! I’m already tired of you!”

4. With the help of crying, the child tries to avoid insults from parents or serious punishments.

   . This method can be used by the baby both as manipulation and as a defensive reaction. This manifests itself as follows. For example, a child broke his mother’s favorite mug due to his carelessness. He understands that his mother will punish him. He starts crying very loudly, comes to his mother’s room, and says: “Mommy, I broke your favorite mug, please forgive me, I’m so clumsy.” At the same time, he sobs loudly. The mother sees the child's tears and decides to forgive him just because he is crying. And supposedly he repents. The kid understands that the manipulation worked, he was not punished, and adopts the technique. Starts to use it in the future. Despite the fact that he may not even feel guilty for what he did.

   Read also:  Hypocrisy – a modern disease of society? 5 Signs of a Hypocrite

Reason #2: I'm uncomfortable

Children often cry because they feel uncomfortable. This kind of crying is continuous (or almost continuous), more monotonous compared to crying from hunger and is accompanied by anxiety in the child. Which can cause discomfort in a newborn

• Dirty diaper or wet diaper. In the first month of life, a baby “goes to the toilet” up to 20 times a day. With natural feeding, the child’s stool frequency is 5–6 times, and with artificial feeding — 3–4 times a day;
• Need to change position: the baby wants to roll over, and he needs your help; he will learn to roll over on his own only after a few months;
• Too tight swaddling, tight diaper, folds in diapers, small object caught in diaper or clothing (button, crumb, pebble, string);
• Too bright lighting, loud noise, not enough fresh air;
• Intestinal colic.

Tight swaddling (with straightened legs and straightened arms tightly pressed to the body), which was very common before, disrupts the natural position of the newborn, normal breathing and blood circulation, which the child “does not like.”

Determine what situations provoke a child to manipulate by crying

At the first stage, you need to find out when the child begins to use crying for further manipulation. If you feel that tears will soon appear on your baby's face, talk to him. Find out what happened to him. For what reason did he become sad? Give the opportunity to speak. And indicate what doesn’t suit him. And then try to calmly resolve the issue. No screams or tears.

This way you will let your child know that issues can be resolved calmly. And that it is much more effective, faster than causing a scandal.

Reason #4: I'm in pain

What do sharp, piercing, alarmed screams mean that do not stop even when you take the baby in your arms? They talk about the pain he is experiencing. Most often this is abdominal pain or colic. Few people manage to avoid them, but you can help your baby and reduce discomfort.

Read about how to deal with them here.

How to reduce your baby's pain

• Make sure that during feeding the baby grasps the nipple and areola - this way air will not get into the baby along with the milk (loud smacking is a sign that the baby is sucking in air along with the milk, and this should be avoided);
• If the baby is bottle-fed, feed the baby a little more slowly, the mixture should completely fill the nipple; you can use special bottles that do not allow air to pass along with food;
• After feeding, hold your baby in an upright position for 2 to 5 minutes, with his head leaning against your shoulder and his tummy pressed closely to your chest;
• Give your baby a simple massage that stimulates the removal of gases from the intestines: lay him on his back and stroke his tummy clockwise. Massage with gentle pressure on the abdomen around the navel. Mentally draw a horseshoe on your tummy, the ends of which point down. Your hand movements should follow this clockwise path;
• Place a warm (not hot) diaper or heating pad on your baby's tummy;
• Try a gas tube (available at a pharmacy). The procedure is as follows: the baby should be laid on his side, the thin end of the tube, lubricated with Vaseline, should be inserted into the anus about a centimeter, and the other should be lowered into a glass of water. If the cause of pain is gases accumulated in the intestines, then you will soon see air bubbles. Sometimes the tube stimulates stool, which also brings relief to the baby;
• Adjust your diet, try to determine which product in your diet causes colic in your baby, and try not to eat it. Cabbage, legumes, grapes, products made from yeast dough, any spicy food, caffeine, chocolate can increase colic in a child;
• Try giving your baby warm fennel tea or dill water by bottle;
• If the above measures have no effect, consult a pediatrician; if necessary, he will consider the possibility of using medications - drugs that eliminate increased gas formation, are not absorbed into the blood and do not harm the baby;
• Flatulence can be increased by an excess of lactose or a lack of the enzyme lactase. This happens when the baby receives too much “fore” milk and not enough “hind” milk. At the beginning of feeding, mother's milk is more saturated with milk sugar - lactose. It's called "front". After 10 – 15 minutes of feeding from the same breast, she begins to produce “hind” milk. It is richer in fats, which neutralize lactose and thereby reduce gas formation. Hind milk also has a calming effect and helps restless babies fall asleep.

Most newborns naturally fall asleep at the end of a feeding thanks to the soothing effects of hindmilk. When the baby grows up and sucks more effectively, it will begin to reach him within a shorter period of time after the start of feeding.

Pay attention to your child

Pay attention to the child - this way you will deprive him of the main reason for manipulation by crying:

1. Talk to your child.
2. Give him the opportunity to speak out about his problems in kindergarten or school.
3. Play with your child.
4. Go to the city, to amusement parks.
5. Spend time together.

When the child receives enough attention from you, he will have no reason to cry. Because he already has what he is doing it for. On the contrary, the child will be grateful to you for the attention and support that you give him.

Reason No. 5. Malaise

It happens that crying is associated with a certain ailment of the baby (intracranial pressure, nervous system disorders, increased excitability, hypertonicity, hypotonicity, developmental pathology, physiological phenomena of the adaptation period, the onset of an infectious or cold disease, skin diseases or diaper rash, reaction to geomagnetic, atmospheric phenomena and etc.). If you cannot identify the reason for your baby’s crying, do not hesitate to consult a perinatologist: the doctor will definitely help eliminate crying associated with the disease.

If you promise your child something, be sure to keep it.

Throughout the entire process of raising a child, you must keep your promises. If you give your word to do something, then be sure to keep it. So that it is imprinted in the child’s subconscious: promises must be kept.

As an example, we can cite the following situations:

• They said that tomorrow at 14:00 you will go to the amusement park, go there without fail. Exactly at the same time. You can go to the amusement park before 14:00. Later - no.
• They said that in a week you would buy your child a Lego set. Be sure to purchase it.
• You promised that you would take your child to football on Saturday, and be sure to keep your word.

This is necessary for the child to become more confident. So that he feels how you support him. And so that he knows: if the parents made a promise, they will fulfill it. This will help get rid of the tearfulness in the child’s voice due to the fact that he will become confident in the future.

The same should be done with regard to promises regarding punishments. If you say you will punish your child, then do it. Regardless of whether he cries or not.

If you decide to punish a child, he cries and you forgive him, then this will have negative consequences. In the future, the child will never accept your threats of punishment. Because he will know that you can easily brush them off after crying a little.

How to deal with hysteria?

Let your child be independent

Never do for him what he can do himself. When choosing clothes, leisure activities, and menus, discuss possible options together and take his opinion into account. If the requirement is absurd or impossible to fulfill, explain clearly why this cannot be done.

Give up total control and allow your child to make his own mistakes. Gently point to them, show them how to do it right, but he must do the rest himself.

Create clear agreements with your child

Create boundaries for your child that he should not cross by crying. For example:

• If you are talking to someone on the phone, then this call is important to you. This means that the child should not distract you from him under any circumstances.
• If you are walking through a toy store and your child asks you to buy something expensive, but you don’t have money, then he should take it calmly. Don't start crying right in the store. And shout: “But I still want this toy.” Instead, the child may voice complaints at home.
• If you go to the skating rink and rent your child skates that he doesn't like in color, he should still wear them. And don't cry. You need to explain to your child that no one will change their skates because of the color. And that his tears will lead to nothing but frayed nerves.

You can enter any other rules. The main thing is that the child knows the limits of where he is not allowed to cry. If you can teach him this, then the child will not cry for no reason. And he will not manipulate you with tears.

Reason No. 3. I'm hot (cold)

Temperature is very important for the well-being and mood of the baby. The room in which the child is located must be maintained at a constant temperature (22–24 °C for newborns, 20–22 °C for older children). How to create a comfortable temperature

• Touch the baby's shoulders, back or wrists: if they are hot and sweaty, the baby is overheated; if they are cool, he is freezing;
• If your baby is hot, open him up, remove one layer of clothing, and change him into dry underwear;
• If your baby is cold, wrap him in a blanket, pick him up, and put him on your chest. Once your baby is warm, be sure to put on an extra layer of clothing before putting him in the crib;
• For the future: you should not wrap your child up - the baby’s clothes should be loose and breathable, made of natural fabrics, such as cotton. Children endure overheating much harder than hypothermia, and this is always worth keeping in mind when dressing your baby.

Clue! Tested for generations: we dress the baby as ourselves, plus one more layer.

Screaming at parents' prohibitions

“It is very important to be patient and consistent.
Under no circumstances should you cancel the decision or requirement that caused the hysteria. At the moment when a child is screaming or even rolling on the ground, there is no point in calming him down, calling him to order, or threatening him. You just need to wait out this moment. Do not respond to insults; hand raised to strike - firmly stop! You can take the baby under your arm and take him to a less crowded place. Important!

If your child often falls into unmotivated rage, destroys everything around him, hits others, cannot calm down for a very long time, etc., you need to consult a neurologist. The cause of increased aggression may be neurological disorders that require diagnosis and an individual treatment plan.

When the baby calms down, you need to take pity and caress him. Be sure to say how much this behavior upsets you.

Is the crisis of three years the same for everyone?

— The three-year crisis occurs differently in children. Some become stubborn and even despotic for a long time, constantly experiencing and expressing their dissatisfaction. Others only occasionally demonstrate obstinacy and self-will.

During this difficult time, adults need to be patient and respect the child’s feelings. Try to treat the crisis as a necessary, albeit not very pleasant, phenomenon. If possible, provide the child with some independence, the right to choose clothes, activities at a particular time, food - ensuring, of course, his safety.

It is important to optimize the number of prohibitions - prohibit only what is unsafe for the baby or unpleasant for others. As for the rest, you can and should experiment.

Communication without hysterics

Finally, here are a few rules from our expert.

To prevent tantrums from becoming a form of manipulation by adults, you need to:

• Teach your child socially acceptable ways of expressing anger that will not harm others (growling, stomping your feet, beating a pillow). Give the opportunity sometimes to simply “go wild” (an excellent release of accumulated irritation);
• Learn to understand your feelings and talk about them;
• Talk with your child about the feelings and interests of other people, teach them to treat them with respect;
• Regularly organize active games in which children train to manage emotions (pillow fights, snowballs, tag, etc.);
• Completely abandon physical punishment, never respond with aggression to the child’s angry behavior;
• Be an example of a friendly attitude towards people.

Crying and crisis of three years

The three-year crisis is associated with the development of the child’s psyche. It helps the child become independent, try his hand, and feel his own desires. But the baby still does not know how to control his behavior, cannot restrain himself and be patient. This is what causes hysterics.

Unable to express his feelings constructively, the child screams and gets angry. This is how he protests against circumstances that he cannot change. He protects his interests: he doesn’t want to go to bed or leave the playground, but adults force him. Hysteria in this case is a natural reaction to unpleasant events.

Children are also driven into rage by a sense of their own powerlessness. For example, a baby cannot get a toy, fasten buttons, or open the door on his own. This makes me desperate and very angry! In addition, the baby hears many prohibitions from adults, they intensify the protest.

What to do?

If a 3-4 year old child is constantly naughty, analyze all the above reasons and try to eliminate them. Try to prevent the occurrence of stressful situations.

If whining does start, try to switch your baby’s interest to something else.

“Look what huge tears are pouring from your eyes. Let’s put them in a jar,” says one inventive mom.

Offer your little one a new subject or an interesting activity: watch together or read your favorite book. Communicating together will help him feel your love and eliminate unconstructive ways of attracting parental attention.