We all experience fear or anxiety sometimes. These feelings are normal for both children and parents. It happens that anxiety begins to interfere with living a full life - the child has difficulties in studying, communicating with peers and relatives. With the help of the book “Calm. How to help children cope with fears and anxiety” “Daily Baby” has compiled 8 useful recommendations for parents.
Play-Doh
Play-Doh
Monitor your reaction to your child's fears
The authors of the book are convinced that there is no single reason for a child’s anxiety. So, a third of it is due to genetics - children with anxious parents are more prone to anxiety. Life difficulties and shocks also have a strong influence: moving, loss of loved ones, parental divorce and other stresses. This is something that is difficult, if not impossible, for parents to influence.
But there is something that depends directly on loved ones - the reaction to the child’s fears. Let's say a child is afraid of dogs. What will you do when one of them is next to him? Relax or think hard about how to drive her away. What if your daughter is afraid to speak in public, and today she has to read poetry on stage? It's rare that a parent will enjoy the show. Rather, he will sit on the edge of his seat, waiting for failure.
Anxious children feel all this more than others and understand that they are not afraid in vain, because even their parents are worried.
How to help a child overcome fear?
- Give your child more attention.
- Sit on your lap more often, hug, take your hand, look into your eyes when you talk.
- Tell him how much you love him and are always ready to protect him.
- Let the child tell in detail what the monsters and monsters that frighten him look like, what kind of head, arms and legs his horror story has, and then draw or sculpt it. Something abstract is always scarier than something more concrete. When the enemy is known in detail, he is no longer so terrible, and it is easier to fight him. After this, the drawn monster can be burned (you can even allow yourself to set fire to the paper in a saucepan and then pour water on it) or tear it up. Any ritual of destruction will do - it all depends on your imagination.
- Include humor. For example, tell your child a secret that monsters are very afraid of loud sounds. Therefore, monsters or beasts that are hiding in the corners can be frightened by loud songs, tiger growls, firecrackers, etc., and then they will run away.
- Explain. Many scary things (for example, scary shadows on the wall at night, sounds from the street, the noise of a thunderstorm, etc.) can find a completely logical explanation.
Article on the topic
“I’m so tired of you!” And six more phrases that you should not say to your child
Choose one fear to fight
Often anxious children are afraid of many things: the teacher will swear, classmates will laugh, answers to test questions will fly out of their heads. Where to start? Try to focus on the outcome, not just the child's feelings, and identify one fear.
Yes, I want the child not to experience all those unpleasant sensations that haunt him when going to school or, for example, when he finds himself in the dark. But try to abstract yourself from them and understand what the child is deprived of. What could he have gotten if not for his fear?
When a child has difficulty communicating with peers, he constantly feels out of place and is afraid of ridicule. Start by inviting your classmates to visit. This is an understandable goal that can be achieved soon enough, and it will help in the fight against other fears.
Groups of children's fears
1. “I’m afraid that Babayka will take me away”
Fears provoked or instilled by parents.
For example, when a mother does not approach a screaming baby for a long time. Or he constantly takes care of the baby: “Don’t go there, otherwise you will fall,” “Don’t take the knife, otherwise you will cut yourself,” etc. Or warns: “This girl is bad, but that boy is a bully.” Many mothers and grandmothers like to scare an obstinate child with horror stories about Baba Yaga or about someone else’s uncle, a wolf, who will pick him up and drag him away if he doesn’t listen. In such a situation, you should not be surprised that the child wakes up and screams at night. Observe yourself, how often do you use the phrase “I’m afraid that...” in conversations with other people. Children very sensitively perceive the state of their parents, their self-doubt, excitement, worry about something and begin to be afraid themselves. In addition, a child at a younger age cannot always explain to himself why his mother, always so kind and affectionate, suddenly yelled or spanked him. He cannot show aggression towards his mother, whom he loves. So negative characters like monsters appear, and negative emotions find a way out through them.
How to raise a child to be confident and independent. Tips for parents Read more
2. “I’m afraid of the monster under the bed!”
Fear of something specific - darkness, loneliness, death, dogs, bad grades at school, cartoon monsters.
They are the easiest to deal with. The child needs to calmly and patiently explain the groundlessness of such fears. Show how this or that “scary” mechanism works, how it works (for example, if a child is afraid of a vacuum cleaner or a noisy elevator).
Question answer
Why is a child afraid to be alone?
3. “I’m afraid, but I don’t know what”
Unconscious anxiety that seems to be unrelated to anything.
Talk to your child, remember together when he began to be afraid, what events preceded his fears. Perhaps it was a scary cartoon or an “adult” movie, your quarrel with your husband (the more mom and dad argue in front of the children, the more fears they have), an incident on the street (for example, someone else’s dog attacked him) or someone else’s offended in kindergarten, school.
4. “I’m afraid because it’s necessary.”
By talking about his fear, the child is simply manipulating his parents.
For example, because he wants to attract attention to himself and be with his mother more often. Or sleep in your parent's bed, although he is already big. If this is the case, then you need to let him know that he has been figured out, and explain that there is time for him, and there is time for other things. If he is used to falling asleep with his mother, try to change this ritual. Replace lying with your child until he falls asleep with reading a book before bed, for example. Then you can sit with your child for another 5-10 minutes, discuss with him the past day, plans for tomorrow, talk, and then still leave him to sleep alone. Explain that now is the time for parents to communicate with each other, and his time with them is over. And show firmness in response to his manipulations. It is impossible to always satisfy all the needs of a child; sooner or later he needs to learn to be independent.
Already big! How to teach a child independence Read more
Make sure the goal is SMART
SMART is the five criteria that a goal must meet. S (specific) - concreteness, M (measurable) - measurability, A (attainable) - achievability, R (relevant) - relevance, T (time-bound) - time limitation. Before defining a goal in the fight against fear, think about whether it is specific enough and whether the child understands what exactly needs to be done. Going up to your friends and inviting them to visit is understandable, but becoming sociable and active is not.
This also includes the measurability of the goal. You must have a clear understanding of when the goal has been achieved. And is your goal even achievable?
If your child is afraid of speaking in public, you should not immediately audition for the main role in a school play. Start small - for example, to the teacher in front of your classmates.
It is important that achieving the goal is limited in time. However, you should not start with one whose completion will take more than 1-2 months. It is better to break it down into several short-term ones.
Example. The child is afraid of the dark. Goal: to make the child not afraid of the dark. SMART goal: sleep alone all night without running to your parents. But this cannot be achieved in one day, so it makes sense to break the task into several stages.
Short-term goal: The child remains in bed after the parents say goodnight, but they still check on him periodically. Medium-term goal: get used to falling asleep on your own. Long-term goal: fall asleep on your own and sleep alone throughout the night.
Why are different children afraid in different ways?
Although fear of strangers is common to most children to one degree or another, they all react to strangers differently. If some kids simply don’t trust strangers, avoid them and try not to have anything to do with them, then others react much more violently, even to the point of roaring loudly or trying to run away from the “scary stranger.” Any of these reactions are completely normal.
The strength of the manifestation of fear of strangers depends on several factors:
- personal characteristics of the child
Whatever one may say, there are extroverts who are open to the world and others, who readily and gladly make contact, and there are introverts who are immersed in their own world and do not want to let “just anyone” into it.
- family lifestyle
When guests in the family are rare, and on the street the mother and child are walking away from people, then there is a high probability that the baby’s fear of strangers will be quite pronounced, because he is not used to strangers. An overly timid mother or an introverted mother involuntarily provokes the emergence of fear of strangers.
- behavior of guests and people the child meets
If a huge noisy “uncle” emotionally “pounces” on a child, makes a “goat” and promises to “show Moscow”, or an unfamiliar “aunt” kisses him passionately and for a long time from head to toe, then next time he is unlikely to want to become the object of an intrusive attention of “suspicious” adults.
Allow your child to become more independent
Parents of anxious children are more prone to overprotection, because they know how hard they experience failures. Sometimes it is easier for parents to completely protect their child from stressful situations, but this is a vicious circle that needs to be broken.
The feeling of one’s own helplessness will not go away until the child himself conquers his fear. In building independence, the easiest place to start is not with those tasks that cause anxiety, but with everyday errands: tidying the room, feeding the pets, preparing a simple meal, or throwing out the trash.
The main thing is to show your child that you believe in him and encourage success. If the task is too difficult, try something simpler and remain calm.
Classification
By type, children's fears are classified in a variety of areas, ranging from the causes of their occurrence to the severity of symptoms. In general, all conditions are divided into three groups:
- obsessive fears that are caused by actually experienced life situations (fear of animals, heights, confined spaces, water);
- delusional fears, when the logical relationship between the object of fear and the cause of fear is illogical, even absurd;
- overvalued fears, when the starting point is any event that activates the child’s fantasy; this condition does not go away, the fear gradually grows, covering all the thoughts and feelings of the baby.
In children, the most common are supervaluable types of fear, which the child cultivates in himself, inventing new details, endowing the object of fear with amazing abilities and qualities.
Praise and reward every success
Don’t be afraid to “bribe” children for achievements in the fight against fears. Parents often think that if they promise a reward, their children will immediately ask for expensive toys, but this is not the case. Almost all children ask for something like “baking cupcakes with your parents” or “taking the whole family to the park.” Rewards should be inexpensive but meaningful. And you need to encourage every step in the fight against fear.
An example of a step-by-step plan with rewards from the book “Calm”
Target: to the teacher in front of the whole class. The main reward: having dinner with mom at a restaurant.
Step 1. To the teacher, when all classmates have left. Reward: praise from mom.
Step 2. Answer the teacher’s question in front of several classmates (the answer has been prepared in advance). Reward: Buy a magazine on the way home.
Step 3. Answer the teacher’s question in front of several classmates (the answer is not prepared in advance). Reward: Choose your favorite dish for dinner.
Step 4. to the teacher in the presence of several classmates. Reward: Bake brownies with mom.
Step 5. Answer the teacher’s question in front of the whole class (the answer is prepared in advance). Reward: On the way home, stop at a cafe.
Step 6. Answer the teacher’s question in front of the whole class (the answer is not prepared in advance). Reward: Stop at a craft store on the way home.
Diagnostics
The main way to determine the presence, cause and level of fear is a conversation between the child and a specialist. Using psychotherapeutic techniques and questionnaires, the doctor can identify the original source of the experience and assess the child’s current emotional state. The so-called projective techniques, when a psychologist asks children to draw or express their fear in other creative ways, have considerable diagnostic value in this regard.
In the case of real mental disorders, a standard set of examinations is carried out, including laboratory tests, EEG, MRI of the brain, consultations with a neurologist, pediatrician and other specialized specialists.
Set an alarm limit
If you feel like your child is spending the entire day worrying, try setting a limit on it. For example, half an hour in the evening, when the child is not too tired and you can devote time only to him.
During this time, listen to all your concerns and concerns, or better yet, write them down. This way you will show that no problems were left unattended, and all fears were recorded.
This practice will help the child “postpone” anxiety until later. And then he will see that if he doesn’t worry, nothing bad happens. Moreover, keeping fear in your head all day and then voicing it later in the evening is even tiring.
General status information
Fear is a natural human instinct that arises as a response to a threat, a possible danger. In childhood, due to developed imagination and emotional instability, such fears in most cases are far-fetched and have no basis in reality. However, this condition is very common, is a threat to the child’s psyche and requires mandatory intervention from specialists. Childhood fear left to chance can subsequently become the cause of a real phobia, which will persist throughout the rest of life.
Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty
Often we cannot guarantee that the situation that a child is afraid of will not happen, especially when it comes to the health of loved ones, disasters, or wars. You can make predictions and try to think rationally, but you still need to recognize that sometimes we don't know what will happen.
The child needs to learn to live with the fact that there are a number of events that we cannot control. The key to accepting uncertainty is not to avoid it, but to recognize and accept it. Therefore, the authors recommend introducing spontaneity into a child's structured daily routine to teach children how to cope with uncertainty.
Try changing your weekend plans on the fly, or ask a relative to pick up your child from school for you. It can also be helpful to have a “spontaneous” meeting with another child to play together.
Face your fears
The child receives his idea of the world from his parents, so it is not surprising that children with anxious parents often grow up restless and sensitive.
There is no point in trying to hide your fears; on the contrary, tell us about some of them to show: it is normal to be afraid, the main thing is how we deal with it.
It is important that parents with anxious thoughts often expect their children to react to events in a certain way. But this can be avoided. For example, if a mother is afraid of cats, then she does not necessarily need to convey this fear to her children or, on the contrary, overpower herself and pet the animal. You can allow your child to interact with a cat by saying that you don't like them, but many people do. This way, children will be able to form their own attitude towards pets without adopting their mother’s fear.
Try to fight your fears with your child, this way you will show him the right example and become calmer yourself.
You will find a complete strategy and recommendations for children of different ages in the book “Calm. How to help your child cope with fears and anxiety.”
- share with your friends!
What should parents not do if their child is afraid of something?
- Do not punish for demonstrated “cowardice.” It will be even worse if the baby, in order not to lose your love, begins to hide the fact that he is very afraid of something. Fears will go inside and develop into neurosis. It will be very difficult to get rid of them later.
- Do not sort things out with your husband (or your parents or other adults) in front of your child. A nervous, restless environment in the home contributes to the cultivation of children's fears. The less love there is in a family, the more fears there are.
- Do not force your child to overcome fear at any cost. For example, if he is afraid of dogs, force him to pet the animal. Let him first observe them from afar, at a safe distance.
- Don't allow yourself to watch scary movies before bed. It’s better to read a book or watch some good cartoon.
- Never shame or ridicule a child.
- Don’t call him a coward, don’t say “that you’re spoiled and acting like a girl”, “boys shouldn’t be afraid”, etc.
Prohibited phrases. What not to say to a child Read more
