When we hear the phrase “infantile,” we usually imagine a person who is irresponsible, not independent, not serious, and incapable of making thoughtful decisions in a timely manner. An adult, but he behaves like a child...
Many representatives of the older generation like to say that today's youth are completely infantile. We propose to leave this thesis aside (although we will return to it a little later) and instead figure out what infantilism is, what its signs are and who can really be called an infantile person. And most importantly, what are the reasons for this phenomenon and is an immature person capable of growing up and becoming an adult?
Types of infantilism
First, let’s figure out what types of infantilism we will be talking about. Depending on the area, this word has different meanings. In psychiatry, it is a pathological developmental delay when a teenager's behavior and emotional reactions correspond to those of children (or when an adult behaves like a child or teenager). There is also physiological infantilism - accordingly, physiological pathology, a delay in the development of organs and systems. In everyday use, it most often refers to psychological and/or social infantilism, which is not associated with pathologies. It is these types that we propose to focus on.
Share household chores
Women often try to pull everything on themselves. I came home from work, cooked lunch, cleaned the apartment, did homework with the children...
Meanwhile, the man is sweetly dozing on the sofa or playing intently at the computer. He is also indignant that he was blatantly interrupted by his wife, who was trying to wipe the floors under the table.
It won't work that way. Agree that he will take on some of the household chores. Give him a specific area of responsibility.
For example, you will cook dinner, and during it you will clean the apartment. If he resists, calmly (without shouting or reproaching) tell him how hard it is for you to do everything alone and that you really count on him.
If he categorically does not want to help you, offer another option: you will take on all the household chores, but then he will have to provide for the family alone.
Save your strength and respect the woman in you - then your companion will feel it too.
Main features and signs of infantile behavior
In psychology, we talk about infantilism when adults (according to the passport) people in life exhibit traits characteristic of a child or, rather, a teenager. In such cases, they note that we have an immature, infantile personality. Moreover, we repeat, this has nothing to do with mental pathologies. This means that the hero of our story is generally healthy, but his way of thinking and behavioral patterns do not correspond to those of mature individuals. What exactly do you mean?
Let's look at the most obvious signs of infantilism.
- First of all, this is the inability to make decisions and bear responsibility - for the choice made, for the work performed, etc. An adult realizes that every decision he makes leads to certain consequences - significant or insignificant, good or bad.
The “adult child” categorically does not want to take responsibility. - This is also connected with another important feature of an infantile person: he does not know how to solve problems. If they do arise, our hero waits for a “grown-up” adult (parents, spouse, friends) to come and fix everything, or at least tell him what needs to be done to fix everything. This also leads to the fact that a person is not able to assess the true consequences of certain of his actions - after all, in general, such an assessment is made for them by others. Some people perceive the price of any offense at the “school level”: everything can be gotten rid of with lectures from the teacher and an entry in the diary. Whereas in adult life, sometimes everything is much more serious.
- “Adult children” tend to shift responsibility - they almost always blame others. Such individuals cannot take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for others, and in addition, they can be quite selfish. This is a consequence of the inability to understand the thoughts, feelings, and point of view of other people. However, in this matter everything depends on the psychology of a particular person.
- Many immature individuals will choose the latter between serious business and pleasure (sometimes regardless of the importance of the matter). “Adult children” are often unable to force themselves to do something and do not think about the consequences this may lead to. For the sake of momentary desires, they are capable of behaving very irresponsibly. They also rarely think about the future – both their own and other people’s.
Here we recall the opposition between the limbic brain and the neocortex in McLean’s “Three Brains” model]]>. “Mature” adults know how to tame the limbic brain and follow what the neocortex says. At the same time, infantiles often simply obey the limbic system and do not even make attempts to cope with its impulses.
Ask for help
Gradually shift some of your responsibilities to him. Let him pay the rent for the apartment himself, organize a joint vacation, and negotiate with a plumber to repair the water supply.
Ask for his opinion. Do not be afraid to appear before him in the image of a weak, stupid woman who really needs the advice of a wise, adult man. Let him win arguments and make decisions.
Yes, he will resist and try to avoid commitment. Your task is to convince him that this is necessary, you definitely won’t be able to cope without him and he has no way out.
Over time, he will get used to it and will no longer shirk things that adults do every day.
Social infantilism
Very close to psychological and social infantilism. It also assumes that we have a mentally healthy person who does not want to accept responsibility and solve problems. In this case, these are issues of socialization, adaptation to environmental conditions, and social values. Mainly - the reluctance to take on the responsibility associated with new “adult” responsibilities for such individuals.
It should be noted that social infantilism contains not only an objective, but also an evaluative component.
The point is that the starting point here is the values and mores of society. Values change - for example, from generation to generation, and with such a change in the eyes of parents, their children will be social infantiles.
For example, now some women do not see the meaning of life in starting a family and raising children (traditional values). In the eyes of one part of society, such ladies look, at best, as infantile girls who do not want to take responsibility. In the eyes of another part, the decision not to have children can be even more responsible than the decision to give birth if a woman understands that she is not yet ready for this from a financial or moral point of view.
Thus, if representatives of the older generation talk about young people as completely infantile, they most likely mean social infantilism (or people who use this word may not know its meaning at all, but that’s a completely different story).
Since the psychological and sociological types are, in principle, quite close, we propose to further consider them together.
Who should I say “thank you” to?
Do you want to know who a woman should thank for such a “gift”? Well, firstly, herself, because she herself chose a man who had not reached psychological adulthood.
After all, infantiles do not force anyone to enter into a relationship with them. They simply wander through life, looking for a suitable candidate for the role of a substitute mommy.
Women themselves select these poor unfortunate “seals”, although the signs of an infantile man appear from the first meetings.
But, if we look at the question from the point of view of “I wonder who did this?”, another woman comes onto the scene.
His mother. It was she who, from a potentially normal male representative, created an infantile who was indecisive and absolutely not ready for adult life.
How did this happen?
Infantile in work and personal life
Infantile men and women strive for an easy life, in which there are no serious worries and problems - like in childhood. At the same time, an “adult child” can be a very successful specialist in his field, but in everyday life, in relationships, behave like a teenager (flexible or capricious). But it also happens that he has problems with his work. For example, some people turn off the path when faced with even a small obstacle. They immediately give up, transfer the project to other employees, refuse promising positions and tasks, for fear of not being able to cope. Others are too irresponsible to rely on because they think it's okay to quit their job because they get bored or want to do something else. All this, of course, complicates the career path.
Infantilism knows no gender: it occurs with equal success in both men and women. It should also be noted that this phenomenon is far from new, and “adult children” have existed at all times.
As for family relationships, the heroes of our story may well be in strong relationships. But they are not looking for a partner, but for a parent - someone who will solve all their problems for them. If their significant other is satisfied with this role, then this union can be quite harmonious. “Older children” are suitable for those who prefer to make their own decisions for themselves and for others and who like everything to be the way they want. An “adult child” also has children of his own. Often, these two “types” of children enjoy spending time together, playing, etc. It is important here that the boy or girl still had an example of a “grown-up” adult before his eyes.
Contrary to the opinion of some people, a passion for computer games, science fiction, films, books, comics, collecting toys, etc. in itself is not at all a sign of infantilism in adults. Just as individual character traits or attitudes to certain life issues that do not coincide with the public point of view (marriage, children, work) do not speak about this. In future articles we will look at this issue in more detail. In the meantime, let us note: to be an infantile person means to exhibit many of the above-mentioned traits in a complex!
Which women become “victims” of infantilism?
Men with a “childish” character themselves are not against “sticking” to a certain category of women in whom “motherliness” is clearly expressed. Such ladies are ready to groom and cherish their companion day and night, as if he were not a man, but a small child. There are three types of women: child, woman and mommy. So, an infantile man most often connects his life with a woman, mommy, and this is natural, because he is a child. And what is noteworthy is that such tandems are most often observed in Russia.
After all, our women first of all see themselves as mothers. The reasons are quite understandable - living conditions are much worse than those of their European and American “colleagues”, a measure of responsibility, brought up by equally responsible parents. And it is not surprising that when searching for a companion, she pays more attention to male children.
But there is a paradox in this moment - she does not know that her mother is “hiding” in her subconscious. And she absolutely does not want to look for someone who cannot be a “strong shoulder”, support and support. But the fact happened. And it won't be long before she realizes that she made the wrong choice.
Reasons for the development of infantilism
As you know, many personality traits stem from childhood. Social and psychological infantilism is no exception. Moreover, in most cases it is associated with educational errors on the part of parents. Among the most common reasons are overprotection, the desire to please the child in everything, to protect him from all problems and worries, to run to help even before he asks for it.
]]>Imposed feeling of guilt]]> is one unpleasant thing that appears as a result of mistakes in education
Completely ignoring the opinions and feelings of a little person, making all the decisions for him (what to wear, what to play and what to do), and trying to embody in a son or daughter what the parent himself failed to do has a negative impact.
There are other reasons why children grow up according to their passport, but not according to their personal development. However, education is too large a topic that should be considered separately. The most important thing: due to the fact that parents constantly and at the root “cut off” the child’s decisions, dreams, aspirations, desires, ambitions, emotions, intentions, in the end he simply stops thinking and deciding on his own. Why, if it will still be as mom or dad say? Because of this, the process of formation and maturation of personality in a young person is disrupted, and as a result, it never matures.
Having become an adult, such a person tries his best to maintain the status quo - that is, not deciding anything for himself, not coping with difficulties, doing what others say. This has its advantages too. Are there any disadvantages? Yes, and there can be quite a lot of them.
He was raised by a tough mother.
His mother did not stand, indifferently drinking water, while her son chose Kinder for himself. She always made it clear who was the boss in the house, or rather, the mistress.
She suppressed any initiatives of her son and decided everything for him. For disobedience, the mother harshly punished him and demanded that he completely obey her will.
As a result, the boy became infantile and downtrodden. But this is not the worst thing. In particularly advanced cases, such sons grow up to be furious misogynists and maniacs.
What are the problems of infantilism?
- One of the main problems for some adult children is that they cannot be truly happy. They don't know what they really like in life because before that, all the decisions were made for them. If someone is lucky and really likes their business, great. However, many are not so lucky, but they are forced to take a job they don’t like for years, because they cannot decide to change it and/or get a new profession.
- Similarly with personal life - even if there is a significant other, in fact, an “adult child” can be very lonely.
Because a) the person chose not a partner, but a parent who does everything the way he wants; b) it is not a fact that the infantile made this choice on his own, and not everyone decided for him. - Immature individuals depend on other people, on their opinions and on their actions. Left to their own devices, they risk becoming helpless. Of course, a mature person also needs close people, but we are not talking about dependence here.
- The heroes of our story are hiding from internal problems and fears, because this is precisely the area where others cannot decide for them. But such problems and fears do not disappear; on the contrary, they only become stronger.
- Also, many “adult children” are quite suggestible and easily succumb to the influence and manipulation of others. Many people fall for advertising, including very dubious ones, buying unnecessary things. Some get involved in scams, financial pyramids, etc. This feature is due to the fact that many “big kids” are drawn to easy money and magical ways to get it. It’s as if we have before us a special belief in miracles, characteristic of children, only at a “quasi-adult” level.
Stop coddling him.
“My sweet kitten”, “What should I cook for my little bunny?”, “Who is our handsome boy?” – you repeat and make a mistake!
Maternal instinct is a wonderful and necessary feminine quality. But only if it manifests itself in relation to a child, and not a thirty-year-old man, even a loved one.
Psychology gives a clear answer: stop being his mother. Let him warm up his own food, make his own bed, and make an appointment with the doctor.
You should not accompany him during visits to the dentist, to the military registration and enlistment office and for interviews.
He is a grown man and can handle this on his own.
Is it possible to get rid of infantilism?
It is possible to get rid of infantilism. Formally, in order to stop being infantile, a person needs to realize that his life depends only on him, that he can change it himself, that he has the right to his opinion, his decisions, emotions and desires, as well as to implement everything he has planned in life. It doesn’t look too complicated - in theory, all this is given to us from birth. However, in practice, if a person of conscious age has never listened to himself and made decisions,
it may be difficult for him to adjust. Therefore, not everyone manages to overcome infantilism without the help of a psychologist.
The desire of the person himself to change is also important. Many “adult children” do not see the peculiarities of their thinking and behavior. Everything described above is present for them rather on a subconscious level. They don’t think that mom/dad/husband/wife will come and solve all the problems. They don't understand that they can't make a decision themselves. They think (and say) things like, “I need to get some advice before I give a final answer.” Such people are proud enough to consider all imposed decisions as their own.
In addition, outwardly it is very convenient to be under eternal care, and if before the hero of our story lived within the framework of the “parent-child” model, it means that he had such an opportunity. However, if a person feels lonely, unhappy, or has some problems or fears, he himself may want to change something in himself and in his life. And for “adult children” this is already a big step forward.
From an infantile to a normal man - the mission is possible!
Perhaps you are able to take the rattle away from him and put on the armor of a real warrior... So, you have established that your boyfriend or spouse is an infantile.
Now a reasonable question arises: “How to live in an infantile society so that for the rest of your days you don’t feel like a draft horse with a bearded kid around your neck?”
To kill the bacillus of infantility in a man, you must act as follows:
Don't let his mom ruin your plans
It is ideal if you live far from his parents and he will not have the opportunity to run to his mommy every time you offend him.
Otherwise, the two previous points of your plan will be in jeopardy.
Well, what mother will calmly watch when his boy is deprived of his pocket money and forced to do housework?
If you live close to your mother-in-law, try to talk to her. Just calmly, without blaming her.
Most likely, she herself realizes that her son, to put it mildly, is not a completely independent man.
If you tell her about your plans and enlist her support, you will receive an important ally in the fight against your man's infantilism.
What have we come to?
To re-educate an infantile man, you need to:
- stop being his nanny
- ask for help more often
- don't sponsor him
- share household chores
- protect him from the influence of his mother
- don't do a man's work for him
- praise and encourage him
Would you cope with an infantile person?
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