Why do we respect other people? Why is it so important to be respectful to elders? Or what lies behind the feeling of patriotism? There are countless questions like this, and it would seem that any adult can answer them. But in reality, most are lost in their answers. And all because they cannot understand the full depth of the word “respect”.
That's why it's so important to understand this. After all, respect is a feeling of reverence that is vital for the existence of society. Without it, it is impossible to build normal relationships, much less create a full-fledged family.
Concept
Let's start with what respect is. The essence of this feeling is quite difficult to convey in simple words, however, like any other manifestation of humanity. And yet it is possible to express the main idea.
So, respect is a respectful attitude towards a person, a natural phenomenon, a deity or a homeland. In order for this feeling to arise, the object of respect must have a certain set of qualities.
Respect is a fickle feeling; it can arise and then fade away again. Everything depends on the moral and ethical values of a person, which, as we know, can change over time. Therefore, by instilling these values in an individual, one can influence his sense of respect for others.
Respecting boundaries
Respect is closely related to the ability to notice another person in his real manifestations. If a person is important in himself, then his personal characteristics, his needs, his preferences, his feelings are important. I may not like his manifestations, but I cannot ignore them. Respect is manifested in simple things, for example, in noticing the boundaries of someone else's personal space and respecting them: not interrupting a conversation, not entering without knocking, not taking things without permission... Adults often demand respect for their own boundaries from children, but do not consider it necessary respect children's personal space. Without noticing the other person and not taking into account his needs, it is as if we leave no room for him, in fact we deny him existence. Unfortunately, adults quite often behave this way with children (remember the parental motto from not so long ago: “Children should not be seen or heard!”). And to be honest, older family members do not always behave respectfully with each other. With such an attitude, it is difficult for a child to learn respect - he does not see an example.
Respect requires careful attention. If we are attentive, we will begin to notice that people, especially children, usually give many tips on how to show respect to them. A child who has not yet despaired of being heard easily communicates what he feels, what he likes or dislikes. For example, he doesn't want to eat noodles because they are "slippery." And here it’s up to parental attention. We can stop and admit that noodles disgust the child, or we can ignore his feelings and fall into “righteous” indignation at his “whim.”
Slow down a little, Mom. How to teach a child to live measuredly and meaningfully
More details
Why is it so important to respect others?
To answer this question, let's give a simple example. Let's say there are two brothers: one is kind, friendly and treats others with respect; the second, on the contrary, looks down on everyone and considers himself the center of the universe. Who do you think is more likely to make real friends? Which of them is capable of sincere love?
Respect is a sure way to find a common language with other people, to show that your interlocutor cares about them. Moreover, if the opponent feels that he is being treated with sincere respect, he himself will most likely respond in kind.
To summarize, we can say that respect is a key element in building relationships, both loving and friendly.
How to learn to respect a man?
Do you want to save your relationship? You need to learn to respect your partner. Thus, you respect your own choice, yourself. How to do it?
- Accept a person as he is. This doesn't mean you have to put up with an alcoholic or abuser! If a guy is rude and communicates poorly with you, you are always free to break off any connection. But there is no need to remake him, to believe that under the influence of your love he will change. If you want to correct your partner's behavior, just talk to him. I often touch on the topic of frankness in articles from the “Ideal Love Relationships” section.
- Trust your partner's decisions. It can be difficult for girls to relax and let a man “steer.” However, this is the only way to awaken a sense of responsibility for the family in a guy. I discuss the advantages of the classic distribution of roles in a couple in the publication “As I said, so it will be!”: who should be the head of the family in modern relationships.”
- See the virtues of your loved one. Remember how wonderful the man was to you when you met! You appreciated his romanticism or pragmatism, business acumen or deep dreaminess. He has not changed - all these qualities live in him. Remember this, and then you will remain in love for many years.
- Do not criticize your partner in front of strangers. It’s better not to criticize at all. You can express your concerns, disapproval or request, but in a gentle manner. For example, using the “Compliment + program + compliment” technique. You will find its detailed description on the official website of Pavel Rakov. It is generally prohibited to criticize a man in front of strangers.
Girls, remember: strong relationships are built on respect. But it is equally important to be able to defend personal boundaries, continue to grow and develop as a person, and build constructive dialogues with your partner. You can learn all this at the free webinar “House of Harmonious Relationships.”
What else do you think you need to know and be able to do in order to become happy in a relationship?
Moral and ethical standards in society
In modern society there are foundations that, although not spelled out in legislation, are still generally accepted rules. Compliance with them is extremely important, otherwise you can turn the opinions of others against yourself. Such rules include moral and ethical standards, for example, politeness, restraint, neatness, and so on.
According to these unspoken laws, there are categories of people who should be treated with respect, regardless of whether they are familiar or not. So, let's give an example of such categories of people:
- Elderly. Considering their age and the number of tests they have undergone, respect for them is quite justified.
- Women. All of them are expectant mothers, and therefore require respectful respect.
- Parents. The very fact that they gave life cannot but inspire respect.
- Teachers. Thanks to their work, many gain knowledge that can help them achieve their goals.
- Colleagues. It’s a completely understandable choice, because you’ll have to work with these people for more than one year. Therefore, it is much easier when they are in the category of friends rather than putting a spoke in their wheels.
Unlimited trust
If there is respect in a couple, the partners adhere to the rules that were developed jointly. There is no need to control who met with whom and what they did. Of course, they want to introduce their significant other to their parents, they are interested in each other’s lives, but this has nothing to do with control, dependence on each other and prohibitions. And if a man suddenly begins to strongly interfere in his partner’s space, you should think about the fact that this is a red flag signaling a lack of respect.
Respect for the Fatherland: its role in the formation of patriotism
Homeland is not just six letters in one word. This is what unites everyone and makes us one big family. Love for the Motherland is called patriotism. But here’s the question: “Can he exist on love alone?” No, in order for patriotism not to dry out over the years, it must be constantly fueled by other feelings: pride, respect, gratitude.
Only by realizing all the beauty of your country, its features and shortcomings, can you become a patriot. And as mentioned earlier, respect is recognition of the merits of someone or something; accordingly, without it it is impossible to cultivate true patriotism.
Always play fair7
In any relationship, arguments break out from time to time. This is not always a bad thing, sometimes it is they that allow you to strengthen relationships and move forward. Here we are not talking about whether it is worth fighting with ourselves at all, but about how partners do it. A partner full of respect will fight fairly, without blows below the belt, without offensive sayings and, of course, without physical violence. He will try to listen to the argument and respond reasonably - this is a great sign of respect. It’s easier to do everything and bang your head.
There is nothing more pleasant than knowing that your partner loves and respects you. But respect in a relationship can sometimes be more difficult to develop than love - but it can be more important. Love without respect turns into a selfish relationship that will never last much time and will certainly end in tears.
Respect must be taught from childhood
The easiest way to instill respect for others is in childhood. Therefore, in most cases, this responsibility falls on the shoulders of parents, as well as teachers. They are the ones who must explain to the younger generation why this or that person should be respected.
Children should be taught from an early age that they need to listen to their elders and fulfill their demands. After all, their life experience is much greater, therefore, their advice can be useful. They should also be reminded that each person is an individual, and therefore needs to be treated with respect.
In general, respect for human rights is an established norm for everyone. Therefore, you should teach this to your children or pupils. Otherwise, they may have problems communicating with other people in the future.
Finally, we need to talk about such a phenomenon as self-esteem. After all, how can people respect someone who does not consider himself equal to them? Therefore, you need to explain to the child that he is the same as everyone else. What's inside him is much more important than what he wears or what house he lives in.
Magazine "PARTNER"
“Partner” No. 11 (98) 2005
I recently read with great pleasure a book by Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz called “Simple Words.” In it, the author simply and clearly explains concepts that concern us all. He talks about God and nature, about spirit and matter, about good and evil, about love and family and many other equally important things. For some unknown reason, he said nothing about respect and self-esteem, which are extremely important for every person.
A well-known proverb says: “What is on a sober man’s mind is on the tongue of a drunken man.” What does a drunk most often ask his drinking companion? He asks: “Do you respect me?” From this we can conclude that this is the question that worries him first, and sometimes last. Every person – and not just the drunk as air – needs the respect of those around him and especially those close to him.
Can a person achieve respect? Yes maybe! The French philosopher Helvetius wrote: “We rarely have the power to make others love us, but it is always in our will to be respected.” Here is one of the useful tips that belongs to the writer Alexandre Dumas: “Pretend that you respect yourself, and they will respect you.” The same idea, expressed by one of the moralists, sounds like this: “If you value yourself little, the world will not offer you a penny more.”
Let's remember the ten biblical commandments. The fifth commandment says: “Honor your father and your mother...” Honor, as we know, is synonymous with respect. In the Bible, where every word is not random and full of deep meaning, for some reason it is not written: “Love your father, etc.”, which would seem to be more natural. The fact is that love cannot be controlled. You cannot command your heart - this is an indisputable truth. And to respect parents or, in other words, to honor - every person can order himself. The sages interpret the fifth commandment as follows: children must immaculately fulfill their obligations towards their parents.
What is respect? The explanatory dictionary of the Russian language offers the following definition: respect is an attitude based on the recognition of someone’s merits. The great German philosopher Immanuel Kant expressed this same thought more poetically: “Respect is a tribute that we cannot deny to merit, whether we like it or not. We may not manifest it, but internally we cannot help but feel it.”
I would like to express some doubts about these definitions. Do we have a sense of respect for great people who have died long ago? Do we respect Aristotle, Shakespeare or Einstein? The feelings of admiration and admiration that we feel for these titans can hardly be called respect. And respect is something more personal. This is a feeling directed at people with whom we are at least familiar.
Psychologists believe that respecting a person means treating them with the same attention and compassion that we would like to receive from other people. Why do we respect this or that person? Here I would like to argue with other authors who have touched on this topic. They believe that love is often groundless, but respect must have some basis. For example, they are respected for some achievements or personal merits, for example, for kindness, decency, independent thinking, courage, etc. I prefer the term: “presumption of respect.” The Latin word "presumption" means an assumption accepted as true until proven otherwise. This means that any person deserves respect on the basis that he is a person, i.e. God's creation. But when a person commits an unworthy act, betrayal, deception, etc., we usually punish him with contempt. However, even under these seemingly aggravating circumstances, it is good to remember that each of us is also not without sin. Without calling for forgiveness, I want to remind you of the famous Christian saying: “Condemn the sin and forgive the sinner.” Despite the simplicity and clarity of this thesis, how difficult it is to follow it.
To express respect in the German language, two semantic turns are used. Der Respekt is respect or reverence, respektieren is to respect. Die Rücksicht means respect and attention. Die Rücksicht nehmen means to show attention, to take into account other people's needs and desires, in other words, to take another person into account. And an address in German always begins with the words: sehr geehrter Herr, sehr geehrte Frau, sehr geehrte Damen und Herren. In Russian, the address begins with the word “respected...” And the word “respected” sounds somewhat ironic. And yet, the main sign of respect that we want to express to another person is not words, but the facial expression and intonation with which we pronounce these words.
There is such a parable. The sage was asked why man is given two eyes, while he has one mouth and one nose. The sage replied that with his left eye a person should see his own shortcomings and ways to eliminate them, and with his right eye he should see the merits of another person in order to show him all respect. Do we always act in accordance with this wise institution? Hardly. Unfortunately, almost all of us are sick with “mental squint”: we see our own merits and the shortcomings of others. Dale Carnegie, the author of world-famous bestsellers about the basics of relationships between people, expressed the same idea as the mentioned sage: “Let's stop thinking about our own merits and achievements. Instead, let's try to appreciate the positive aspects of other people." How simple and clear everything is! It’s just not clear where the button is that will allow you to switch your consciousness from self-love to respect for others.
Can we respect a person who doesn't respect us? It's not easy to answer this question. Everything is clear with unrequited love. Cases of unrequited love occur at every step. Often they even love those who show their lover open disdain, almost contempt. But respect almost always requires reciprocity or at least a neutral attitude when people do not know each other closely. We all remember the “classic” phrase: “I respect you, you respect me, we are both respected people.”
“Know yourself,” was the inscription on the Temple of Apollo in the ancient Greek city of Delphi, where the famous Delphic oracle was located, predicting the future. According to modern ideas, another inscription would be more relevant, namely: “Respect yourself.” Self-esteem is the alpha and omega of human personality. Even 2,500 years ago, the great mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras instructed his students: “Do not do anything shameful, either in the presence of others or in secret. Your first law should be self-respect.” How many of us have managed to live our lives in accordance with this wonderful principle?
Our generation was brought up in hypocrisy and cynicism. We have adopted another, more convenient moral doctrine: “We think one thing, say another, do another.” And despite this, everyone found reasons for self-respect, because it is always natural for a person to justify his behavior. An excellent explanation for this phenomenon is given in one of the parables of King Solomon: “All a man’s ways are pure in his own eyes.” Who can tell what is the difference between self-esteem and respect? The famous American poet Henry Longfellow (the one who wrote the Song of Hiawatha) noted this subtle point: “We respect ourselves for what we are able to achieve. Others respect us for what we have achieved."
According to psychologists, self-respect, or, which is the same thing, self-esteem, is more important for a person than self-knowledge. Everyone who wrote about self-esteem noted the enormous importance of this feeling. Here is a statement by the French moralist Michel Montaigne: “More vices arise from a lack of self-respect than from excessive self-respect.” And I want to quote one more eminent author. Shakespeare expressed the same thought in these words: “Excessive pride is not so worthy of condemnation as lack of self-respect.” We can say that self-respect is self-reliance. Writer Fazil Iskander, describing his meetings with the priest Alexander Men, draws the following conclusion: “The more self-esteem a person has, regardless of the degree of his talent, the denser the shell of self-defense surrounds him.” Dale Carnegie writes about self-respect: “True self-respect is incompatible with arrogance. If you tell me how you achieve self-respect, I will tell you who you are. This determines your character, this is the most important thing about you... One man achieves self-respect by giving money to build a hospital for the poor, whom he has never seen and will never see. Another writes novels that the whole world reads. And the third becomes a famous gangster, whose very name sets the whole city in awe.”
Who can say why a person jumps headfirst from a ten-meter tower? It’s not because this activity gives him indescribable pleasure. Personally, just the thought of such a possibility makes me shudder. I wouldn’t even jump as a “soldier” for any good in the world. A person jumps in order to verify his own courage, his own capabilities. Self-affirmation, first of all, lies in overcoming oneself: in overcoming one’s own weakness, greed, cowardice, self-pity, inertia, one’s own laziness, finally. Every person asserts himself almost daily. One at the expense of work, another at the expense of some hobby, and the third takes credit for the ability to drink a lot. Every housewife asserts herself through her ability to cook deliciously and set the table beautifully, or through the perfect cleanliness of her apartment.
What is the difference between self-affirmation and self-esteem? Self-affirmation is a process, self-esteem is the result of this process. For us immigrants living in Germany, the problem of self-affirmation is particularly acute. In our former homeland, we all worked and in most cases had a fairly high professional and social status. Having arrived in Germany, most men of retirement and pre-retirement age turned into “social workers”, which, according to German ideas, is almost synonymous with asociality. It is difficult for an able-bodied person who is unemployed and does not know what to do with himself to maintain self-esteem. A man’s status needs confirmation, and the ability to find useful employment in any conditions is also a kind of talent. For a woman, finding an area to apply her strength is not a question. No one will take away her status as a wife, mother, grandmother. Family concerns are an inexhaustible reservoir of useful activity for every woman and at the same time a source of self-esteem.
How strangely people are made! One, in order to respect himself, needs to be like everyone else, while another, on the contrary, needs to stand out from the crowd in some way, and not necessarily for the better. There are countless sources of self-esteem. For example, in ancient times, people respected themselves for their noble origins and were proud of their ancestry. Belonging to an ancient family, possessing some kind of title was a source of pride for many, sometimes very extraordinary people. However, popular wisdom ridiculed these ridiculous ideas. I like the German proverb: “Adel liegt im Gemüte, nicht im Geblüte,” which can be translated something like this: nobility is not in origin, but in character. In the Soviet Union, worker-peasant origin was a reason for self-respect. By definition, the superiority of the working people over representatives of alien classes or the rotten intelligentsia was established. “The Soviets have their own pride - they look down on the bourgeoisie,” said Vladimir Mayakovsky. And the literary hero of the novel “The Golden Calf” by I. Ilf and E. Petrov proudly declared: “I was born between a rock and a hard place,” which was supposed to indicate his impeccable proletarian origin. However, as it later turned out during the “cleaning” process, this was not true. In addition, many people in our country were proud to be members of the Communist Party, which, as everyone knows, was “the mind, honor and conscience of the era.” A person who joined the party automatically acquired all the specified properties. I remember such a case. In connection with some holiday, the organization where I worked was given orders to award orders and medals. The leadership of the organization showed “political immaturity” by presenting a highly qualified non-party specialist for the order, and a party worker for the medal. The district party committee corrected this “disgrace” by pointing out that, by definition, a non-party member cannot work better than a party member. Like this!
There is a phenomenon called “materialism”. This is the desire to acquire things, the possession of which increases the prestige of their owner. Sociologists have found that “materialism” often begins in childhood. Children compare their things to what they see on TV and in advertisements and dream of getting rich so they can buy the things they want. Children who are not addicted to things have higher self-esteem. What things increase our prestige? It should be something that catches the eye, something that others pay attention to and may even envy. No wonder the famous German proverb says: “Besser zehn Neider, als ein Mitleider” (ten envious people are better than one compassionate person).
Once upon a time, noble people were proud of palaces, jewelry, thoroughbred horses, and purebred dogs. Not much has changed since then. Simpler people are proud of fashionable clothes or a fancy car; millionaires need to have a villa on the Cote d'Azur and paintings by famous artists.
Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who was also a great philosopher, made the following statement: “We would not seek universal respect if we firmly knew that we were worthy of it. The more a person wants to respect himself, the more he depends on other people’s opinions.” This suggests that in many cases our self-esteem depends on the assessment given by the people around us. And one more question. Does praise or, conversely, blame affect self-esteem? Absolutely yes. Praise and kind words addressed to us inspire us and give us self-confidence. It is known that even a snow woman will melt if you stroke her for a long time. True, the Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore once spoke disapprovingly of praise: “Praise shames me, because deep down I crave it.” Few of us are like a great poet - in most cases we are not ashamed of praise, even if it is not very deserved. Therefore, as they say in one of Bulat Okudzhava’s songs,
Let's exclaim and admire each other,
There is no need to be afraid of pompous words,
Let's compliment each other...
Self-respect has another synonym - consciousness of one’s own importance. The famous American psychologist William James wrote: “The deepest characteristic of human nature is the passionate desire to be appreciated.” Please note that he did not write desire, desire or need. He wrote: passionate desire. Therefore, the primary task of every reasonable and benevolent person is to strengthen the self-esteem of those close to him and not to step on their “pet peeves.” Dale Carnegie further emphasized: “Epithets of praise do not constitute praise. Praise requires skillfully selected facts.” But what if this is not praise at all, but ordinary flattery? They say that flattery rarely influences insightful people. But it also happens that some people - even very insightful ones - are so hungry for recognition that they will swallow anything. The German king Frederick (I don’t remember which one) said this: “Don’t teach me either to give or receive cheap praise.” Cheap praise is flattery, which is often caused by selfish motives. From the many definitions of flattery, I chose the following: “To flatter is to tell a person exactly what he thinks about himself.” Not what he is, but what he imagines about himself. It is known that any criticism - even the most benevolent - is the opposite of praise and undermines self-confidence. And again the statement of F. La Rochefoucauld: “Our self-respect suffers more when our tastes are condemned than when our views are condemned.”
What is the opposite of self-esteem? A feeling of inferiority (in German die Selbstunterschätzung) or, even worse, self-contempt (in German die Selbstverachtung). No matter how unnatural these feelings are, many people suffer from them, including those who are outwardly successful. For what reason do such feelings arise and develop? For some people, they appear in childhood if their parents constantly scold and humiliate them. However, it also happens that humiliation from parents causes the opposite effect. An example of this is the great violinist Niccolo Paganini. But often a feeling of inferiority arises in adulthood as a consequence of troubles that constantly haunt a person. He begins to consider himself an inveterate loser and is afraid to take on any work, which further strengthens his self-doubt. Self-esteem and self-confidence can and should be learned. Forget past mistakes and failures, be lenient with yourself. Feelings of guilt, self-reproach and self-pity block inspiration and vital energy. If you focus on your mistakes and weaknesses, you belittle yourself, reduce your abilities and capabilities. A self-confident person, and confidence is based on self-respect, self-esteem, can overcome all obstacles.
The quintessence of Christian morality is expressed in the words: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It is assumed that love for oneself is primary and only from here can love for one’s neighbor flow. The same can be said about self-esteem. Self-respect forms the basis of our respect for others. It is unlikely that anyone can respect another person if he does not respect himself. I believe that each of us, both in the past and in the present, has something to be proud of and has something to respect ourselves for, for it is said in the Holy Scripture: “Therefore I saw that there is nothing better than to enjoy our affairs” (Book of Ecclesiastes or Preacher ).
Our author Grigory Kalikhman, Dortmund
| No. 11 (98) 2005 | Read: 1991
| Author: Kalikhman G. |
