Narcissism - what is it and what is its danger?

Definition

By definition, narcissism means a personality trait of a person that encourages him to constantly admire himself. And it’s not just about looking at one’s appearance in the mirror. A person admires personal qualities, virtues, achievements, abilities and what contributes to his manifestation in the world around him.

Self-admiration is inherent in all people without exception. The difference is in the degree to which it manifests itself. Someone is deservedly proud of their merits and successes. And someone develops narcissism - a condition in which a person considers himself to be an order of magnitude better than the people around him.

It is worth noting that narcissism has nothing to do with pride. These are not synonyms. Narcissism manifests itself at different periods of life and in relation to different qualities, achievements, etc. Self-love is a constant character trait, one of the facets of self-esteem.

The tendency to narcissism appears at certain periods of life, when an individual is able to analyze himself and his life, distinguish himself from the background of people around him and the world as a whole.

Self-love: what is it and how to learn to love yourself?

Tatyana Isakova, clinical psychologist, systemic family therapist, business coach, PSY.one expert on love:

There are such special, sunny people. They are like an inexhaustible source of life-giving energy, overflowing. When meeting them, you get the feeling that there is a huge light in them, beckoning with its warm, beneficial light, which radiates softly and smoothly.

They seem to love the whole world and live in harmony with themselves and those around them; you are literally imbued with powerful energy from them. How do they do this? How did they gain this amazing ability? There is no secret here - they learned to love themselves, and everything else is a consequence.

What is self-love?

The meaning of this term, which we all come across quite often, almost no one really explains - what is it, how to love yourself? In today's article we will shed light on this question and give practical recommendations - how to learn to love yourself? From a psychological point of view, self-love includes several components:

• value;
• maintaining personal boundaries;
• confidence;
• ease;
• activity.

But this list is unlikely to help you understand your true attitude towards yourself - do you love yourself, are you just playing a role, or have you hidden your love for yourself in a deep prison. That is why psychologists have compiled a list of criteria that will help you answer this difficult question. Signs of self-love:

1. Pay attention to your body's signals. Any of its signals (thirst, headache, fatigue, hunger, etc.) are a kind of clues that tell you what form of love you need here and now. If you suppress your headaches with pills, and when you are overtired, you don’t give yourself an hour of rest, you don’t love yourself. And complete relaxation in response to fatigue and a relaxing massage session instead of a pill is a sign of caring for your body, and therefore self-love.

2. Attention directed to your true desires. If you sacrifice a long-awaited trip to the pool or, for example, yoga, in order to do household chores, self-love is out of the question. If you refuse to cook your favorite dish just because your spouse wants something else, this is again about dislike.

3. Time you set aside for yourself. Do you like to take a walk before bed, read a fascinating book, or do some handicrafts, but you chronically don’t have enough time for it? In fact, it exists, but you don’t allow it to be highlighted for yourself, which means you consider yourself a person unworthy of it.

4. Communication with those people who bring positive emotions into your life.

If you reject empty communication with those who are not particularly pleasant to you, then you care about your environment and choose its format yourself. Otherwise, you don't love yourself at all.

5. The ability to bring clarity to your relationship with your partner and leave places where you are not valued or respected, for example, from a boring job, from a company of people with interests alien to you, from an unloved person (even if you have common children, housing, a mortgage, etc.) etc.).

6. Take a responsible approach to your role in life. You are responsible for your decisions, interests and hobbies. What you allow yourself is what you get, but provided that you draw your conclusions responsibly.

7. The ability to enjoy life. Do you enjoy enjoying a cup of coffee in bed, lounging around at lunch, or reading your favorite books until the night? Allow yourself to live like this if you love yourself!

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8. Do not blame yourself for mistakes and do not criticize yourself for failures. Accepting mistakes, focusing on successes and never criticizing yourself is the algorithm for the actions of a person who loves himself.

9. Accept your emotions and be able to express them. A person has the right to negative emotions, and this is absolutely normal, because he is not a mechanical robot. By loving yourself, you allow yourself to voice the emotions you experience: “I’m scared,” “I’m uncomfortable,” “I miss you,” etc.

10. Independence from other people's opinions.

This means that you yourself influence your mood, and do not go into a state of depression or deep resentment because of words spoken to you or someone else’s actions.

11. Self-liking. You don't need other people's approval about your appearance. It’s enough to look in the mirror and you understand that you like yourself, not only from the point of view of the physical body, but also internally.

12. Lack of chronic feelings of guilt for what has been done or not yet done.

A person is a priori not to blame for someone’s mistakes, a boss’s bad mood, a spouse’s absent-mindedness, a saleswoman’s rudeness in a store, etc. If you really haven’t done anything wrong, don’t put the burden of guilt on your shoulders - this is another criterion for self-love.

13. The ability to allocate time for work and rest, refusal to work to the point of exhaustion. Yes, you can literally “burn out” at work, trying to be the best and earn a kind word from your boss. You need it? Does this make you happier? People who love themselves never do this, because not a single workaholic saved the world and made it happier.

14. Allowing yourself to be different. A person who loves himself does not try to play the role that he has invented for himself in order to please everyone. He allows himself to be different, depending on the circumstances, and does not become an actor in his own life.

15. The ability to respect other people. Your attitude towards others is a projection of your attitude towards yourself. Say no when necessary. Help if you are asked to do so, and helping is not a sacrifice for you. Respect other people's personal space and protect yours from “unauthorized intrusions.”

16. Believe in yourself. The most valuable person is yourself. You can achieve anything, even move mountains, because to do this you don’t need anyone’s approval or criticism. If you find that same inner core in yourself (and everyone has it), then you will be able to get around half the world. Faith gives birth to strength, and as American psychotherapist Dyer Wayne said: “When you believe, then you will see.”

17. Take care of your health. And this is not constant visits to doctors and buying a whole list of medications - this is the ability to feel your body and respond to its requests, provide timely support using effective but safe methods. Instead of immunostimulants - hardening and products that improve the functioning of the immune system; instead of coffee when you literally fall off your feet - a couple of hours of complete relaxation, etc.

Self-love is work, yes, yes, there is no mistake here! It doesn’t come from nowhere, because it is the result of your work on yourself (on your own or together with a psychologist or psychotherapist). It is also compared to a muscle that needs to be trained so that it does not atrophy.

What to do to create and maintain self-love:

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• Show good emotions more often, do good deeds - just like that, without thinking about how others will react to it.
• Visit places where you feel cozy and comfortable, where you relax and are filled with energy.
• Be in solitude, where no one will disturb you, where you can be with yourself, contemplate and experience peace.
• Communicate more with people you like.
• Communicate with animals more often - they amazingly make us cleaner and kinder, because in their world there is no envy and meanness, hatred and contempt.
• Don't lose your dignity, don't humiliate yourself in front of anyone.
• Filter your surroundings, in other words, don’t hang out with just anyone, form your own social circle.
• Do not indulge in vices and dubious pleasures - they destroy the personality from the inside.
• Don't expect rewards or praise from other people - praise and reward yourself.
• Observe often what gives you strength.

Stick to this minimal list of rules, and you will notice how a wonderful feeling of self-love awakens inside. It is this that has the miraculous power of changing the quality of life for the better. Isn't that what you wanted?

Self-love is a priceless art, and anyone who has decided once and for all to change their life for the better, to find joy, harmony, success and abundance, can master it. Once you master its basics, pleasant and sometimes unexpected changes will begin to happen regularly.

Why is lack of self-love dangerous?

If you don't love yourself, a series of fatal mistakes and problems are guaranteed - in fact,

, which is facilitated by destructive programs, often created by you yourself.

Dislike for yourself entails many negative consequences, because with such an attitude you simply give up on yourself - on your feelings and desires, needs and ambitions. And you certainly won’t get understanding and love from other people,

Dislike for yourself leads to problems when interacting in society, because it is important for you what others think and say, how they will appreciate you (and whether they will appreciate you at all). All this causes self-esteem to drop, and you can even fall into deep depression.

Is self-love selfish or not?

And, finally: self-love is not selfishness (do not confuse these concepts!), it is self-acceptance. According to psychologist, sociologist and philosopher E. Fromm, one’s own “I” can be an object of love, this is absolutely normal - just as in the case when another person becomes the object of love. In his writings he wrote: “If an individual is capable of fruitful love, he also loves himself; if he is capable of loving only others, he is not capable of loving at all.” Self-love has nothing to do with selfishness! According to E. Fromm, this is “affirmation of one’s own life, one’s happiness, development, freedom, based on the ability to love, that is, on care, respect, responsibility and knowledge.” Love yourself, and the whole world around you will sparkle with different colors, because you will become the very sun that emits an alluring light that changes life for the better!

International project PSY.one psychology and coaching.

Advantages and disadvantages of narcissism

It is difficult to say unequivocally whether it is bad or good to engage in narcissism. At first glance, it seems that there is nothing good about it. But that's not true. In some cases, it helps to develop abilities and reveal inner potential. This happens if a person evaluates himself adequately, supporting the assessment with objective facts. This has nothing to do with narcissism. For example, imagine a schoolchild who is proud and praises himself for completing a difficult task. Or, for example, a girl who spent a lot of time in front of the mirror, creating a certain image. She will leave the house not only in a good mood, but also with self-confidence, her attractiveness and strength.

It turns out that narcissism helps you first see something good in yourself, and then unobtrusively tell society about it.

What can you say about the shortcomings?

1. Excessive narcissism inhibits personal development and leads to the appearance of blocks. A person loses the ability to look at himself from the outside, give an objective assessment of his qualities, and analyze his behavior. As a result, he cannot properly present himself to society, which leads to the destruction of his reputation and the inability to make plans. As an example, imagine a speaker giving a speech. It is unlikely that listeners will get anything useful out of it if he is focused on demonstrating himself rather than conveying important information to people. Such a person doesn’t care whether they listen to him or fall asleep from boredom. Or take, for example, a dancer. Because of his narcissism, the harmony of the composition will be disrupted.
2. Narcissism goes hand in hand with high self-esteem. If it is excessive, it can decrease sharply. Why? A person experiences a pathological need to compare himself with other people, while confirming his importance and superiority. Can you imagine his feelings when someone criticizes him or doubts his exclusivity?
3. At some point, a person carried away by narcissism may find himself alone. It is unlikely that anyone will want to communicate with someone who ridicules or ignores other people's achievements or successes. Such forced isolation leads to problems in work, personal life, and also disrupts harmony with oneself.

It is noteworthy that the active use of social networks leads to the development of narcissism. People endlessly post selfies there, stories about their successes and achievements, photos of vacations, food, shopping, etc. They openly admire themselves and encourage others to do the same. However, criticism is not implied here. Reviews should automatically be positive.

Annoying syndrome

A little success or insignificant help to someone - and the person gets carried away. He is delighted with himself - so good, smart and generally wonderful in all respects. But such an attitude can play a cruel joke. If you get carried away by narcissism, then in work, for example, it is not difficult to make a mistake, sometimes literally out of the blue. A miss in this case is sobering—like a bucket of cold water thrown over your head.

While doing something, another person does not think about the work he is doing - he admires himself, admires the result in advance. For example, a not very outstanding actor, while playing in a play, is busy thinking about his own genius. Creating the image of the hero fades into the background. The audience senses this and is annoyed by this manner. Self-indulgence can be present in any activity, but the result always suffers.

A person sometimes gets offended by others if they do not consider him something out of the ordinary. It is possible that constant narcissism can transform into a very unpleasant “unrecognized genius syndrome.” At the same time, another individual does not care that there are almost no real achievements. Like, he could do a lot “if only”. Other people are necessarily to blame for his failure. Admitting your involvement in the problem is beyond your strength.

Reasons for narcissism

If we talk about positive narcissism, then this is the result of the fact that a person has really achieved something, for example, moved up the career ladder, worked on his appearance, etc.

With pathological narcissism the situation is more complicated. Most often, according to psychologists, this is an attempt to hide from oneself, to escape reality. The only question is why a person does this. In most cases, in order to protect oneself from pain provoked by any psychological trauma.

The second reason is an inadequate perception of personality. The individual enjoys admiring himself and his imaginary achievements and successes so much that he loses touch with reality. He develops a sincere belief in what he has imagined for himself. And the further it goes, the more difficult it is to convince him that in reality there is nothing like that. Illusions in this case can be compared to a swamp that draws you in more and more. At some point, a person realizes that he no longer wants to see himself as real. This means that his personal and professional growth either slows down or stops altogether.

Mindfulness versus Illusions

Prevention of narcissism is the ability to be yourself. It is possible to learn this, although it is not always easy. Restoring contact with your inner world requires considerable effort and even courage. This activity may seem too boring to some. Sometimes it’s simply scary to see your real self - after all, disappointment can be quite painful.

It is commendable to strive for greater achievements, but at the same time we must not forget about our current level. Everyone has abilities that require development and improvement. Another thing is that efforts need to be directed in the right direction. There is no point in a football player lamenting that he is not a musician, or an artist lamenting that he was not born an astronaut.

It is difficult to remain mindful and aware of your own thoughts and feelings. It's easy to lose control over them. After all, there are often “well-wishers” who are not averse to pointing out what you should feel and think about. The ability to remain oneself in such a situation is a sign of a certain maturity of the individual. Mindfulness is not cultivated overnight; it will take time and effort. But the more valuable the result.

Tags: self-education, self-analysis, personal psychology, working on oneself, psychological problems

What to do

So, narcissism is a quality that encourages you to create an inner world based on comparing yourself with the people around you. And the comparison is usually in his favor. As stated above, this often plays a cruel joke on a person, leading him into the world of illusions, depriving him of the opportunity to build full-fledged relationships with society, and to experience genuine joy from real victories and achievements. We can say that he becomes a slave to his ego.

How to avoid being overly self-involved? There are 5 tips:

1. Remember that others don't owe you anything. They have no obligation to constantly praise you, admire you, constantly thank you for your services and help.
2. Don't get hung up on who treats you and how. Don't count the people who praised or didn't praise. Don't forget that everyone can have their own opinion about you. You evoke warm feelings in some people, while others give you a low rating. This is fine.
3. Realize that sometimes you exaggerate your importance in the eyes of other people.
4. Think about the fact that narcissism and false pride are a source of pain and disappointment. Isn't it better to find objective reasons for praise?
5. Stop trying to prove your superiority, convince yourself of your wonderfulness.

Psychologists recommend thinking more often about what you give to others, instead of how they benefit you. Try to give others attention, thank them for their help and compliments, and show concern. Remember that the amount of joy, satisfaction and other positive emotions is directly proportional to how much good you give to those around you.

And one more piece of advice on how to get rid of narcissism: look at yourself from the outside from time to time. Take time for self-development.