In what cases do you need the help of a divorce psychologist, and where can you get it?

Help from a psychologist during divorce is one of the most pressing tasks of modern practical psychology. According to Russian statistics, divorce affects about 80% of families. At the same time, divorce traumatizes all family members: first of all, the “victim” - the person from whom the spouse left, as well as children.

Psychology of divorce

The psychology of divorce is much deeper than eliminating the resentment and anger of the injured party. The departure of a wife or husband from the family is experienced by the second partner as a loss close to the loss of a deceased relative. In addition, the initiator of the divorce himself may suffer no less than the family members he left behind. The hardest thing is for children who experience the passing of one of the most important figures in life - a parent.

The reasons for divorce can be very different. Formally, problems such as “didn’t get along”, the inability of one of the spouses to have children, and infidelity are called. These reasons really exist, but often these formulations hide other, deeper interpersonal conflicts between spouses.

A divorce psychologist is needed at three stages of the divorce process: when divorce is just being discussed, when the divorce process has already begun, and when some time has passed after the divorce.

On the verge of divorce, a psychologist may be needed in the following cases:

• at least one of the spouses wants to save the family;
• one or both spouses are unsure of the need for divorce;
• spouses cannot agree on the division of property, children, finances, etc.

When the decision to divorce has already been made and the process has started, the psychologist helps in the following matters:

• one of the former spouses cannot let go of the other and continues to love him;
• the partner experiences excruciating mental pain, blames himself or another for what happened, and cannot cope with emotions;
• the partner experiences depressive symptoms - apathy, a feeling of painful emptiness, loss of vital resources, even physical symptoms (refusal to eat, slowness, weakness).

The help of a psychologist after a divorce consists of resolving the following situations:

• after the loss of a partner, a person feels strong emotions for a long time - apathy, anger or suffering;
• after a breakup, a person has no idea how to build new ones and does not see his life without his ex-spouse;
• ex-spouses continue to conflict after the divorce process;
• new disagreements arise regarding the division of property or the residence of children after the completion of court proceedings.

Thus, the psychological aspect of divorce is extremely complex. It is even more difficult to organize the consultations themselves - in case of divorce and related psychological assistance, a specialist is forced to work with the problems of a couple with one person, since a family on the verge of divorce is often unable to get together to visit a psychologist.

Regarding the choice of the form of visit, the following should be said: visiting a psychologist alone or with a partner should be decided depending on the problem. If the problem lies with one person (that is, he cannot let go of his spouse, suffers or worries), an individual consultation is chosen. If we are talking about mutual quarrels, unresolved issues or doubts about the need for divorce, you need to choose couples counseling. And if the divorce has already been completed and as a result the child is left with one parent, then the psychologist should work with him.

Don't be afraid of new relationships

Often women begin to shun men if they have gone through the drama of divorce. But it's not right. Life is going. And a woman needs to love and be loved again. An unsuccessful marriage is not a reason to avoid the stronger sex in the future. Your man is waiting for you somewhere. Remember this. If something didn’t work out for you (not through your fault or anyone else’s!!!) with one person, it doesn’t mean that now it won’t work out with anyone. Live and be happy. Flirty with new men, make new friends. And you will definitely meet someone with whom you will feel good.

Features of helping women

Psychological assistance for a woman during divorce has its own characteristics and often turns out to be much more complex and lengthy than similar therapy for men. This is due to many aspects, primarily social ones. In our country, the “traditional family” model is highly valued, and therefore certain behavioral stereotypes are imposed on girls from an early age.

This entails many consequences, as a result of which a woman, already in adulthood, finding herself in a situation of divorce, finds herself in an endless circle of self-blame and censure from others. Both the ex-wife herself and the people around her use the following accusatory stereotypes:

• If a man cheated, then this is normal, because he is a male. If a woman cheats, then she is spoiled. Here, many analogies are usually given, either with the animal world or with household utensils and tools.
• If a man cheated, then his woman is to blame, because she was not good enough and diligent. In this case, it is not customary to blame the man, because in accordance with the first point, he is a polygamous creature and is mortally bored with one wife.
• A woman must earn money, because she is not a dependent, and at the same time do all the housework, because she is the keeper of the hearth. Fatigue, lack of time and energy - these are all excuses for lazy people.
• If a woman is abandoned by her husband, then she automatically goes into the status of a used thing, because a woman should only have one man (we turn again to point one). And after separation, the wife must commit ritual hara-kiri, because the “divorced woman” is not good enough to simply continue to enjoy life.

In addition, such a family model assumes this very family as the only and main occupation of a woman, even if she has work, hobbies and friends. Therefore, it is not surprising that after breaking up with her husband (no matter how unhealthy, toxic and painful the relationship may be), a woman is faced with the censure of others and self-accusation.

Another important point: children after divorce often remain with their mother. The feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a sudden multiple increase in workload, the label of a single mother, the fear of remaining alone and unwanted forever is a terrible stress for any woman.

Even if the feelings between partners have faded, it is extremely difficult to get out of painful experiences with such a public opinion. Almost every woman needs psychological help during divorce in order to avoid catastrophic consequences for her life and health.

A man also often needs psychological help during a divorce, but men do not have the same social pressure as women. Of course, if a man experiences severe mental suffering, symptoms of depression, or cannot come to terms with the loss of his wife, he equally needs the help of a psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Mistakes women make after divorce

The psychology of divorce and the psychological stages of divorce in women differ significantly from male psychology.

Therefore, a lady who is left alone often makes the following mistakes:

• Constant stories that she was left alone - after a while none of her friends would listen to such complaints.
• Promiscuous sexual relations - such an attempt to forget your ex-spouse can help in the psychology of the first stage of stress after divorce. After some time, depression will return.
• Controlling the personal relationships of your ex-spouse - you should not follow his personal life on social networks or ask friends or relatives.
• Intrigue with your ex-husband - you shouldn’t wait and hope that he will return to you some time after the divorce. If your husband has left you, prove to him that you can live without him.
• Blackmail with joint children - there is no need to manipulate a joint child; ideally, children, even after their parents’ divorce, should feel the same attention from mom and dad.
• Refusal of financial assistance - if your ex-husband is ready to participate financially in raising their children together, you should not refuse.

Help for children during divorce

Children are the most affected party when their parents divorce. A child in a divorce situation is forced to choose which parent to stay with. At the same time, the second of the two closest and most important people in his life turns out to be far away - the child no longer sees mom or dad every day, does not live with him (her). Children (especially at a younger age) unconsciously tend to blame themselves for the fact that their family is no longer together, that one of their parents has left.

Often, after the parents separate, the child begins to behave inappropriately - he throws hysterics, whims, or, on the contrary, withdraws into himself. There are frequent unreasonable fears, nightmares, decreased performance at school and other acute problems associated with changes in the family environment.

A divorce psychologist can help a child even without his personal presence at the consultation. Often, it is enough for even one of the parents to receive psychological help to adjust the parenting model and allow the child to feel better.

The main task of helping children affected by their parents’ divorce is to help them cope with their feelings about the destruction of their family and grow into a harmonious person without feelings of guilt and other destructive complexes.

How to build a relationship with your ex-spouse

Situations of breaking up a relationship with a spouse are different; in some cases, the husband and wife do not communicate at all after a divorce, and some married couples still have children and a family business together. What should ex-spouses do if they have to communicate or conduct a common business?

You should listen to the advice of a family psychologist:

• The relationship between ex-husband and wife should be strictly business. Leave all emotions in the past, now you are connected only by common business.
• Formalize your child support payments. In the future, there will be no need to ask your ex-spouse to help their common children financially.
• Do not forbid children to communicate with their father, even if you parted not entirely peacefully.
• Do not interfere in the personal relationships of your ex-spouse, and do not justify yours; everyone should have their own new personal life.
• Do not forget about close relatives, even if you do not communicate with your ex-husband, grandparents on his side have the right to see their grandchildren.

Why is psychological help important during divorce?

In psychology there is such a term as “psychological divorce.” It means a state in which both spouses have let go of each other, began to lead an independent life and do not experience suffering over the mutual loss of a partner. Often circumstances develop in such a way that after the completion of the formal, legal dissolution of the marriage, a real break in relations does not occur - the former spouses continue to suffer, quarrel, and sort things out. Many are even forced to live in the same area.

Psychological assistance during divorce is necessary in order to realize its necessity (or lack thereof) and painlessly get out of the destructive relationship that led to the need for divorce.

The main reasons for separation

Today, hundreds of families are breaking up, the reasons for the breakdown of relationships are individual for everyone, but the main reasons and stages of divorce of spouses are as follows:

• Financial difficulties.
• Domestic conflicts.
• Cooling feelings for each other.
• Problems of a sexual nature.
• The youth of the spouses, the unwillingness to give in to each other.
• Cheating on a husband or wife.
• No children.
• Bad habits on one side - alcoholism, drug addiction, gaming addiction.

Any reason, even the most insignificant, ends in a conflict, and if it is not resolved in time, it turns into quarrels and scandals. Such a long-term discord in a relationship leads over time to a cooling of feelings, and in some cases even to a desire to get a divorce.

How to survive a divorce: advice from a psychologist

If divorce cannot be avoided, you need to come to terms with this event. Psychologists highlight the following important aspects in a person’s life after a divorce:

• It is necessary to get rid of the feelings associated with the loss of a partner. It is important not to deny them, but to admit them, for example, if you still have feelings for your ex-spouse. In the first months after the divorce, there may remain an obsessive illusion that the marriage was better. There is no need to focus on this. Think about what led to the current state of affairs and led to the legal dissolution of the marriage. The desire to return to a former partner is often associated not with his personality and not with comfort in the relationship, but with the usual way of life. Create a new routine that is pleasant and comfortable for you. This is not an easy and slow process, which ends naturally after a year of separation. If the process of suffering lasts longer, this is a sign that you need psychological help with a divorce.
• Focus on what you have in the present moment. If children live with you, take care of their upbringing and rejoice in their successes. Give yourself gifts in the form of pleasant little things. Realize that you are now a free person who independently manages your life, time, finances and property.
• Think about the future. Think about what you would like your life to be like without thinking about your ex. Focus on your own desires and plans, keep a diary, describe in detail the scenario that you would like to see in your life.

Without a specialist, it is difficult to adhere to these recommendations, especially when a person is in a state of emotional instability and cannot cope with his own experiences. Therefore, if you feel that an obsessive desire to return your departed partner, bitterness and anger are interfering with your life, do not be afraid to seek help from a specialist.

Stages of experiencing divorce in women

Divorce is a common decision of both spouses to separate, regardless of who is responsible for the destruction of the family. Usually a woman strives to save the family and only in rare cases does she initiate a divorce. The psychological stages of divorce in women consist of several stages.

At first, when a relationship breaks up, especially when her husband leaves her, a woman does not know how to survive loneliness, she is very worried. The state of stress is observed primarily in single mothers with whom young children remain. The financial side further aggravates the current situation, especially if the young mother does not work and can now rely on alimony from her ex-husband.

But women, thanks to their natural ability to accept the current situation, will be able to survive all stages of accepting a divorce with dignity. Many ladies, even after a marriage breakup, maintain normal relationships not only with their ex-husband, but also with his relatives. You should not blame yourself for all your sins and look for an excuse for the current situation; this will not fix anything, but will only harm your psyche.

Remarriage

The negative experience of divorce certainly influences the decision to enter into a new marriage. For yourself, you need to figure out what contributed to, served as the basis for the previous divorce, try to identify mistakes, understand what qualities, behavior prevented mutual understanding and for what reason they find themselves in similar situations with similar people of a certain type. You should analyze your behavior, the possible influence of your parents and environment, and take into account all your weaknesses for the future.

Sometimes the reason for divorce is cooling in the relationship after some time, or different views on the process of raising children, alcohol or other addiction of a partner, violence, infidelity, often this is too short a period of acquaintance before marriage. You should analyze all aspects, see your mistakes, and consider how to behave constructively in such situations. Sometimes such a simple method can prevent you from rashly choosing a similar partner with similar problems.

At the same time, women, to a greater extent than men, believe in the ability of the new chosen one to replace their child’s natural father. It is important that the motive for entering into a new marriage is not only the need to have a full family, but also common views and principles of life.

It happens that former spouses again want to restore the relationship and live together. Then they have a lot of work to do to understand what unites them (children, common business). You should also analyze past relationships, causes of conflicts, misunderstandings in order to prevent repetition of the same mistakes, habitual behavior, and reactions.

Two types

When it comes to remarriage, the most common types are:

1. When a middle-aged, sometimes elderly, divorced man chooses as his companion a young, beautiful, free girl, not burdened with children, full of energy and strength. Such relationships initially bring a lot of positive emotions, but most often they are formed on the need of a man to take care of a young girl as if he were his child, receiving in return fresh emotions, a surge of new strength and inspiration. The girl, in turn, finds protection, guardianship, patronage, and care in her husband. If both parties are happy with this, then the marriage has good prospects. In cases where a young spouse changes over time, becomes socially mature, independent, and sometimes wealthy, she can leave her usual role in the relationship. He begins to try to distance himself from the excessive care of his spouse, increasingly indicating his boundaries, showing his independence, and sometimes trying to seize the leading role in the family. Problems can also be of a financial nature, when the spouse’s income level changes, he can no longer provide the chosen one’s standard of living. The age difference manifests itself in the fact that the elderly spouse is not always able to maintain the standard of living of the young active partner due to health conditions.
2. Marriage with a woman who already has experience in family life and children from her first marriage. Although in most cases both partners have experience of starting a family and divorce, usually in such cases the age difference is small and there are children on both sides. At the same time, both partners are not satisfied with the previous relationship and enter into a new marriage with great enthusiasm in the hope that they will be able to avoid all the mistakes. Everyone wants to hope that in this union, married life will be much better, the relationship will be more harmonious, and they will certainly not make the same mistakes. As a rule, they already have a lot of experience, become wiser, have their own formed habits, an understanding of what they want from life, family and partner.

As for children, having them from a previous marriage often significantly complicates the process of getting used to a new relationship. Both adults and children need a lot of time to adjust, adapt, accept a new position, and get to know each other. To facilitate this important process, new parents (stepfather or stepmother) should try to take a position in the life of their children that will differ from the position of the natural father or mother for the better. We must understand that they will also be compared with their biological parents. Competition is hardly possible here; there is a high probability of losing against their background, of failing.

Text of the book "Man and Woman"

“I understand: I need to work on myself further and remove the primitiveness.”

– Look at the woman’s data! But the psychological state is such that a man will not be interested in her.

– What should the state be?

– When a woman is passionate about business.

– How can you not be passionate about your business while developing a business? I have a hobby.

- Eat. But my God, why does a man need your business when he has his own? You need to do something that a man doesn’t have. We are talking about a high level of relationship.

– I understand you now.

Conversation with Vera: don’t try to change your husband - change yourself

– My name is Vera, I’ve been going to your seminars for 10 years.

– Now you are already a Muscovite. Where did you live before that?

– In the Krasnodar region.

“I remembered Vera because she is a good teacher and after our seminars her life changed. Were you married then?

- Came out later.

“She had disagreements with her mother.” Divorced from your mother?

- Yes. And after your last seminar, my colleague called me, who moved from the Ministry of Finance to Rospotrebnadzor to the position of deputy head of the financial and economic department. She suggested that I move to Rospotrebnadzor to the position of head of the financial apparatus department. I've moved on. During the transition, she said that she would deal with personnel issues, but I was the nominal boss. The advantages of the transition are promotion by four levels: adviser, leading adviser, deputy head, head of department. And in terms of level I am in 4th place - manager, chief accountant, deputy chief accountant and head of department, that is, me.

– Is this a rise up for you?

– Yes, but the department is lower level.

- I understand. But the salary is higher?

– The salary remained approximately the same.

- But the entry in the work book is good.

– The second plus is that the boss willingly shares her knowledge. Teaches. It gives a lot of completely new knowledge that I could not get either at the technical school or at the Ministry of Finance. There is more knowledge in a narrow direction.

The third plus is that I am part of a new team. The fourth plus is that there is a dance hall nearby and I can get there in time.

Cons: from the first day I stay late, almost until 10 pm. On the one hand, I study accounting and gain new knowledge, but at the same time I don’t understand how to organize my time.

Minus two: the team was left over from the previous head of the department, who was in the image of a victim and pulled all the work herself. And today this team is trying to pull the same trick on me. Employees begin to ask for time off, first in the morning, then in the evening, then they ask for leave during the reporting period, then they whine about blood pressure, adenitis, loose hands, and constipation. I let you go, but I say that when I ask you to stay, please stay.

There are four people in my department. They live according to the principle - this is impossible, because it is never possible. They say they have always worked this way. I answer that people used to ride horses for thousands of years, but people only switched to cars for 100 years. What do you mean we'll ride horses? And my boss is a high-level professional, but she has a number of psychological problems in her personal life. She is a widow and took her mother and brother to live with her.

- Hard case. You can't live with your mother and brothers.

At my new job, from the first day I stay late, almost until 10 p.m. On the one hand, I study accounting and gain new knowledge, but at the same time I don’t understand how to organize my time.

– It affects work. Since I depend on my boss, in order to resolve work issues, I have to wait for her to resolve her personal ones. This takes a lot of time. I'm tired and don't know how to get out of this. She has already dubbed me a full-time psychologist.

-Aren't you going to leave?

- No.

“Then help her as best you can.”

– The boss understands that she did wrong by taking her mother and brother in with her. In general, when she partially solves her family problems, we begin to work normally. I help her to help myself.

- You do it right.

– Several times I regretted that I left the Ministry of Finance, out of my comfort zone. Everything is perfectly organized there, from electronic document management to catering for employees.

– But you were not the leader there.

- No. And now about the relationship with my husband. On Baikal, what you said reached my heart, brain, liver: “Do you think you can change it? You can only change yourself." And now I feel like I’ve been electrocuted. I studied electricity at school, I know how 220 volts run through wires, and what will happen if you insert a pin into a socket and hold on to it. Then at the university I studied how to provide first aid if someone does hold on to this hairpin. But I got such an electric shock! I felt 220 Volts on my skin. The psychological divorce you talked about finally took place in reality.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL DIVORCE

– What is psychological divorce? Let me explain: when for one reason or another it is impossible to get a divorce, then psychological divorce is used. In your heart of hearts, you stop considering your husband as a husband - you treat him like a neighbor who doesn’t owe you anything.

I remember the first time I managed to do this. The woman was from a small town, she got sick after she found out that her husband was cheating on her.

Everyone knows everything, shame and disgrace, I ended up in the hospital. I told her: don’t consider him a husband, but consider him a lover, and consider his mistress a wife. And sum it up. He visits his wife once a week and brings a gift. And he goes to his mistress, that is, to you, six times a week and gives her a salary. And what will you achieve - that he will stop going to her? Let it go. But we need to really break up, and not pretend.

She checked out of the clinic and tried it - it worked. She stopped hitting on him, and after some time he stopped going to his mistress. Then, upon mature reflection, I realized that psychological divorce is the norm of life. I suggest everyone to divorce your husbands and wives, consider it a neighbor or neighbor. You stop picking on them for nonsense. If it’s a neighbor, then he can repair the bathtub, plumbing, and you can have sex with him. The most important thing is not to make any claims against him.

I separated from my wife psychologically.

I don't know how she felt. But I stopped making complaints about her: after all, there is something good in her. What is good about psychological divorce? You don't need to tell anyone about it. There's no point in suffering.

Those who are currently single and want to get married, prepare for the fact that you are simply living with this man, he doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe him anything. Psychological divorce helps a lot.

There is no need to explain this to your partner. When you get divorced, a whole case arises, a court. And with a psychological divorce, you become free, the world becomes beautiful, you begin to notice how many gorgeous women and men there are. And since you are married, you can’t do much, which means you are only fixated on your husband.

Next we developed a pyramid of love. These are the women I am interested in as a man. It’s easy to see that some people are interested in me as a man. The bigger, the better. Upstairs is the woman I'm with now. If she leaves me, is it a tragedy for me? No, because there are two more women waiting their turn. Let her go. But during a psychological divorce, I don’t drive her away, not so that she leaves, but in order to keep her. I don't pick her up. But what to do? She left, you worried, and you begin to build a relationship with someone else. Very convenient, right?

If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t need to. Relationships get better if they are good, or end if they are bad. You should never demand an explanation from your partner. If he gives an explanation, good. Never try to catch your partner, do not appear unexpectedly, even if it is your wife. Be sure to let us know when you arrive. Why get some bad information? Why know what's really going on? Why bother yourself? Don't like this approach? I love. I am free, and I give freedom to my partner.

Women, what do you think, if I have troubles with my wife or sexual partner, where will I look for her? Among you. You are my personnel reserve. Aren't you offended? With whom exactly, I don’t know. Whoever reaches out to me the most will be with her. I simply explained what psychological divorce is. The world is becoming rich. You begin to see a world populated by a huge number of men and women.

I was sorry for the time I wasted: for seven years I tried to change it. I feel sorry for myself because I never gave birth to a child, because I tried to finish teaching him, finishing him, finishing him, etc. After Baikal, I fell behind him. I couldn’t evict him, but I live in the kitchen, he lives in the room. Valery tried to make claims against me, to feel sorry for me. I wanted everything to be the same as before. He even tried to put pressure on me. When I heard: “You must,” I was speechless for a minute. My eyes became bloodshot, my pupils narrowed into slits, my claws unclenched, and saliva dripped from my fangs. Valery, saving his life, rushed to the side with a plaintive squeak: “You don’t owe anyone anything.”

I am still infuriated by his inability to hammer a nail, his constant expectation that I will do everything! I do everything. And Valery constantly compares me with others - “you are the best.” I'm trying to understand who I compared with? How do I look in his eyes? The relationship got better, but the sex never improved. I don't understand where my problem is and what should I do? I am slowly typing up my handwritten diaries, which I have kept since I was 15 years old. All.

– Women suffer more from unsuccessful love. But a woman can tell society about her problems, and women and men will sympathize with her. And a man cannot talk about his failures in society. Women will laugh at him. And the men will ask: “Why are you so upset because of a woman?” Therefore, men are more likely to get sick and die from psychosomatic diseases. It is not that simple.

She broke up, but the sex didn't work out. And she needs sex to improve. But you can’t advise her to have someone else: that’s her business. It's better for everything to be clear. Who you live with is who you live with. Easier. You see how much everything touches her, to the point of tears. She's crying! She still has a complex. I used to have a complex that I lived by the rules. Now I have gotten rid of these complexes, others have appeared, but we will get rid of them too.

- What should I do?

– Go to work, get paid.

– Let everything go as it should?

- Yes. And dance. And write a book. Start thinking that you have to live 150 years, then these two years or five years of loneliness will not have any meaning. These years you will work, go to dances, and then we’ll see. Remember the joke? The Armenian radio asks: “Can an animal get neurosis?” answer: “Maybe, if human conditions are created for him.” This is a constant problem of choice - what, how and why? It is very difficult to cause neuroses in animals, but it is possible. Scientist and Nobel Prize winner Ivan Pavlov did it. How? He developed “experimental neurosis” in dogs. Initially, the dog developed a positive reflex to the image of a circle and a negative reflex to the image of an ellipse. After the reflexes were consolidated, the circle began to gradually turn so that in the dog’s field of vision it gradually turned into an ellipse... The experimental dog began to worry, and then broke into hysterics: barked, squealed, tore off the capsule for recording saliva, chewed rubber tubes, etc. In general, the dog was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown, just like a human.

One of the causes of neurosis is the inability to choose between desires and principles, that is, the “parent-child” scheme is triggered. What should a person do, what programs should he get rid of? From parents. These are the primary laws. Then you will live according to the situation. And get exactly what you need.

Just wait and see. Shulzhenko has this song:

“I will take revenge on you, / I will prove to you, / That I don’t care.”

It must be done, not proven. Little by little. We have already thrown out a lot of unnecessary things from our lives, but there is still a lot of dirt in us. We must cast out demons from ourselves. Try it. When you deal with this, some imp will come out.

When I heard: “You must,” I was speechless for a minute. My eyes became bloodshot, my pupils narrowed into slits, my claws unclenched, and saliva dripped from my fangs. Valery, saving his life, rushed to the side with a plaintive squeak: “You don’t owe anyone anything.”

Conversation with Valery: if you're a mama's boy, you'll marry a pensioner

– I am Vera’s husband. The first time I came to your seminar was in Yamal in 2011. At the suggestion of my wife. But I was bored - I sat, looked, and left. I wasn't ready. Then I tried to read your books for four years, but they didn’t give me anything. Vera fought with me, tried to change me.

– When spouses, even former ones, come together, it’s good. We do not mind.

“This lasted until the summer of last year. And then something broke in me, or I just matured - and I began to study more actively. The time has come, perhaps. Everything started to work out for me somehow. Faith was a strong catalyst. When she arrived from Baikal, she had surprise in her eyes. I was asked to listen to your audio books or seminars. She thought that everything in our relationship was impenetrable and that everything would not end the way she wanted. And at this time she committed a psychological divorce. At this time I was ready for this. Since that time, we have outlined a path, an attempt to come to a common denominator, I began to understand it better.

She suggested going to dances together. She was the initiator. Helps a lot. The first three classes I didn’t understand what I was doing and why. Then it started to work out. Moreover, with her transition to a new job, she began to rarely attend these classes, but I don’t miss them. And when, after the January holidays, she got to the dance hall, she saw dramatic changes in me.

Since last year I have been keeping a diary, but not regularly. It helps. I see that the first recordings were complete nonsense, which means I’m starting to grow above myself.

I read literature, trying to master the book “The Logic of Life”. I'm trying, but not everything works out yet. I read Olga Stolyar’s book “The Adventures of a Crying Sanguine Man.” I really liked the book “Command and Obey”, I listened and read it several times, but I didn’t get it all the first time. Now I feel that the knowledge I gained helps me work. According to the types described in the book, I realized that my manager at work is like a “cultivator” in its purest form. It works as described in the book...

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER.

ABOUT CULTURALISTS, CAREERISTS AND ALCOHOLICS

– We divide all people in production into three categories: careerist, cultural and entertainment group and alcoholic-sexual group. Usually in teams such groups are formed. It depends on the personality structure of the group. We developed this in our classes. My main group was a training group for doctors who came to study with us for two to three months. Among them were groups - careerists, cultural-entertainment and alcohol-sexual. And we developed tests to determine types. Thanks to knowledge of types, you can find out, for example, why this or that person treats you poorly and what you need to change in yourself.

We didn’t test our doctors, but we quickly figured out who was who. Then what was traditionally said from the stands?

“Dear comrades, you have come to acquire new knowledge.

And then return with new knowledge and better treat the sick and thereby contribute to the construction of the world’s first socialist state.” What kind of empty chatter! While they were listening to this, most were already just sleeping in their chairs.

And in order for the work to go more efficiently, we determined the structure of the group at the very first lesson. Imagine, you have come to improve your specialization and gain new knowledge. I ask the doctors a question: why have you gathered here?

Asking questions is very good because you can see the answer on your face. “To gain new knowledge!” – the careerist shouted. I then say that I can manage the group when I find a Goal that is common to everyone. “But don’t everyone need to acquire knowledge?” - the careerist shouted again. And I make such a feint. I say: “There are people here who understand medicine no worse than us, but they also come to us. For what? To get a piece of paper.

This unites everyone without exception.” Here another culturally entertaining group nods with understanding and relief. One shouts: “No, we came for knowledge.” I responded: “If you’re looking for knowledge, we won’t give you a piece of paper!” Then who will be left? People who do not need our knowledge, but they will walk quietly. “But we will try to organize the pedagogical process in such a way,” I continue, “that you will receive a piece of paper only if you acquire knowledge.”

Here several people perked up. Who were they? Representatives of the alcohol-sexual group. Many people go to school not to study, but to spend time without bosses, without a wife, without children. We know this - everything is before our eyes. We choose a headman. I write a note to the headman: “Ivanov will sleep with Sidorova, Petrov with Kuzmina, etc. Open it in a week!” I was wrong? No.

This is an example of the fact that you need to master all psychological techniques in order to at least understand the psychology of your boss. After all, among the bosses there are also culture-minded people, careerists, and alcoholics. Of course, it is better to deal with careerists. If they are picking on you, what should you do? There is no need to quit. You just have to wait for your moment.

After a week, as a rule, the groups have already formed. And we were forced to be on duty around the hostel, to keep order. You look into one room, and there people are writing notes, discussing medical topics. These are careerists. There is no one in the other room.

This means that a cultural and entertainment group settled there. They go shopping and theatres. You go into the third - there is twilight, on the table there is a frying pan with fried eggs. People sometimes manage to hide bottles. This is an alcoholic-sexual group. Did we conduct the pedagogical process well? No. Everyone needs to be a careerist. But later we learned to conduct our studies in an interesting way, and then the alcoholic-sexual group began to get carried away.

After all, studying is always exciting, if, of course, the teacher is smart. And among the bosses there are all three types - the careerist, the culturalist and the alcoholic. But I noticed one paradox then. When an alcoholic is appointed manager, production indicators increase. The cultured person puts pressure on everyone, but the alcoholic gives freedom. But the company is losing its face. Instead of helicopters, tape recorders and socks are produced. But purely digital indicators are better. Careerists, of course, lead better. True, these type tests are not very popular: who wants to find out who you really are. That's how the world works. You can look at the test in the book “Psychological Vampirism”. True, there is no Luscher test.

“I’ve noticed lately that old people have started to irritate me. I don't understand why?

– Am I annoying?

- No. People closer to 70 years old are annoying. Paradox.

– Older people are used to living by their own rules. If you live by their rules, development will stop. Unfortunately, some of them remain at work and prevent young people from advancing. In our time there were no computers, telephones, or tape recorders. And now everything is developing quickly. An older person clings to the old.

– That’s what my mother says, she’s 66 years old.

- I asked a good question. The bottom line. What to do? Don't let grandparents raise your children. But if you yourself are aged, like me, do not educate. No matter how advanced I was, I did not raise my grandchildren, children - yes, and then I would have to re-educate them. Old people are annoying because they always teach: “But this is how it should be done... And in the old days there were such traditions... This was accepted, but this is not accepted. We need to approach this correctly, otherwise our ability to work will decline...”

– Are there methods, techniques to level this out?

- Eat. Stop working and communicating with old people.

– They say that old people become vampires: they take away energy because they themselves do not develop.

– Psychological aikido is a weapon against them. You just have to not communicate. I myself retired when I was 60 years old. I applied and my departure resulted in three or four people getting promoted who would have hated me. True, they tried to stop me: “Why are you leaving work? We don’t see your failure.” But I said, “I’d rather leave when I see problems. It will be worse if I don’t see them, but you all see.” In general, there are laws of life that must be followed. There are too many elderly people like me. Basically they will stick to their line. But, for example, I have a good relationship with my daughter-in-law. One day she came to me and asked: “Come and babysit your grandson.” I told her: “If you pay 250 euros per hour, I’ll come.” If you don’t have money, I can give you money for a nanny - it’ll be cheaper.” Since I don’t interfere in raising my grandchildren, I have good relationships with everyone.

But my advice to daughters-in-law: don’t try to please your mother-in-law, try not to live with her! And why? The sex life of a 50-55-year-old mother-in-law, as a rule, is not well established. And her son becomes her sexual partner – purely psychologically. There is no sex, but there are all stages - pioneer, October, hugs, kisses. But you can’t kiss or hug an adult son: the hugs of a mature woman are tastier than the hugs of a young girl. It may even happen that if he is a mama's boy, then he too will marry the old woman. Yes, and keep in mind that after five years you cannot call your child Vitenka, Olenka... Let their sexual partners call them that. I realize that I am again saying things that many people do not like. So what to do?

Such an experiment was conducted in the Sukhumi monkey sanctuary. The leader of the pack was separated from his female and placed in another cage. For some time, other monkeys did not interfere with his harem. But then they noticed that the leader was sitting in another cage. And some who were bolder copulated with his females. So the leader developed a myocardial infarction! He could not calmly watch how his rivals not only flirted with his “wives,” but also had sexual intercourse. When he was released, he quickly restored order: he beat those who had sex with his females.

What do we see in our lives? Military man, captain, very intelligent and well-mannered. And so he sees how, before his eyes, his wife, that is, a female, communicates with a young partner, that is, a male. And the captain leaves so that his eyes do not look, otherwise he will have a heart attack.

My advice to daughters-in-law: don’t try to please your mother-in-law, try not to live with her! And why? The sex life of a 50-55-year-old mother-in-law is often not well-established. And her sexual partner – purely psychologically! - becomes her son. There is no sex, but there are all stages - pioneer, October, hugs, kisses.

Do we have a lot of sexually literate people? No. And many people will ask: what’s wrong with a mother cuddling her daughter? We squeeze affection out of children, give them candy, and then they also pet us. Do they like being squeezed? No, they don't like it. And then parents come and complain that their children treat them badly. What did you want?

– In one of your books I read a wise saying that a person after 35 years has no right to skip gymnastics, it must be done daily. And now I do physical exercise every morning.

– There must be physical activity. Today, for example, I went up to the sixth floor of our hotel six times. And at home I go up to the 14th floor. At some point I gave up gymnastics and eventually began to barely walk. And now my gait has improved. If you are over 35 years old, then you also need to exercise daily. When you are physically prepared, you will have high self-esteem. And the psychological assessment will become better. If you respect yourself, everyone will respect you.