Proper support from a man is a woman’s real skill

It’s great if you are ready to support your partner in any difficulties. Willingness to help each other’s personal growth is one of the important conditions for the existence of transformative relationships. But being prepared is one thing, and understanding how this can be done is another.

If your loved one is on a path of transformation, it challenges you too. You too will be rewarded when your partner becomes calmer, more open and loving. This is not only for your peace of mind, but also to help your loved one heal and grow. Plus, it's important for your relationship. We encourage you to follow only the advice that seems reasonable and appropriate to you at the time. Remember: what is useless now may be useful in the future.

Your position matters

When solving relationship problems, your position can be a help or a hindrance. Humans are complex creatures, capable of having many different views and emotions at the same time. It is important that you are aware of how you feel about what is happening.

Position #1 : Stay calm. The process of change for a loved one can feel like a rollercoaster of fears, hopes, internal struggles, ups and downs. Being a fellow traveler in this race is not a pleasant experience, especially if you yourself grew up in a chaotic and anxious family. It can often be tempting to force your partner to calm down, contrary to his inner needs. But this does not always lead to good results.

Position #2: Be clearer. Another typical course of action can be self-sacrifice: a person is ready to endlessly endure and accept everything that happens, as if he himself does not need anything. Although this behavior seems heroic, both of you are more likely to suffer from it than to gain any real benefit. Trying your best to help a person can cause him to... Compete with you in “heroism” and/or... Relax and transfer all responsibility for what is happening to you. Such results can hardly be considered desirable. The alternative is to bring clarity to your relationship. Your main responsibility is to take care of yourself and your own life, and it's up to you to decide how to handle that. This helps with constant awareness of what you need, what you should do, what you can offer at any given moment. For example, you are exhausted from frequent overtime work and have caught a cold. In this case, bed rest would help you. And so, when you were about to crawl into bed, your partner comes and says that he feels uneasy and urgently needs to talk. You know that these conversations can be exhausting, so you are faced with a difficult choice: support your loved one or go on vacation. The best thing would be to directly tell your partner what you need and what you can do for him - and insist on what is proposed. For example, like this: “I would be glad to listen to you now, but I’m half dead, and I’m of little use today. Let me just hug you now, and we’ll move the conversation to tomorrow morning.” Setting boundaries like this is beneficial not only for you, but also for your partner. He will benefit from understanding that your support will not be so great that you will regret it later. No less valuable is your belief that your loved one is able to solve their problems. Constant readiness to save a partner undermines his self-confidence. Thus, you seem to say: “You cannot do without help, and I will have to go to the rescue.” By clearly limiting your actions, you make it clear: “I believe you can do this.”

Position number 3. Be kind. Almost everything in this life is better done with kindness. Kindness fills words and gestures with meaning, gives special depth to conversations, softens disappointment and makes joy more sincere. In close relationships, kindness to your loved one and yourself plays an even greater role. To explain what we mean by kindness, we first need to define what it is not. Being kind is not the same as being nice. Glory tries to smooth out all the corners and avoid any problems. And this means you have to be polite, always stroke the fur and keep the peace. Kindness does not strive to make things go smoothly; it strives to make everything better. A good deed may go against the grain or disturb the peace, but it will be dictated by love. The kindness that has the greatest impact on your relationship is the willingness to accept a person as he is, with all his experiences and feelings. This doesn't mean you have to approve of everything he does—your kindness doesn't give him the right to behave badly. Rather, you need to accept the person himself, no matter what happens to him. It is important that you treat yourself in the same way, and not just your loved one. Perhaps you would not like to experience certain feelings and have some habits. It is likely that you wish to be more patient or understand your partner better. It's good that you want to change, but it's important to understand that change doesn't happen overnight. They start with kindness and self-understanding. If you are at war with yourself, your thoughts and feelings, it will be more difficult for you to understand them and make sense of everything. If you treat yourself with respect, it is much easier to see all the internal processes and correct something.

Your efforts don't always work out exactly the way you want them to, and sometimes doing the right thing doesn't live up to expectations. Below is a short list of things you can do to help your loved one when they need support.

No!

1. A smart woman will not stop her partner from being himself. Don't make it fit the image you like or think is ideal. A man must develop qualities that contribute to the realization of his main interests - this is his path, have respect and support his individuality.

2. You should not rush a man, wanting to see the end result as soon as possible. The secret of success is in the sequence of actions: you need to go from step to step, not running ahead, but not falling behind. Remember: hysteria on the topic “everyone already has it, but we have a full paragraph” can lead a person astray from the intended path.

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3. Dictatorial methods almost always generate rejection in a man. Therefore, your task is, first of all, to eradicate the tyrant and despot from yourself and become the person you want to see yourself: caring and loving. Only with love, tactfully and carefully can you help a man determine his goals in life and find the roads that lead to their achievement.

4. A perspicacious and far-sighted woman will not suppress the creative impulses of her husband: let it seem to you that organizing hot air balloon flights over the Moscow Ring Road in winter is not the best business plan. But it’s still not worthwhile to sharply “cut from the shoulder” and criticize a man. Search is one of the stages of realizing success, and everyone has the right to it.

5. Don’t start a family tradition of crying into each other’s vests. Sympathy is a feeling that does not have to be expressed in words. Easily, almost jokingly, stop a man’s attempts to whine and lament that “everything is bad” and “there is no chance”! Such conversations switch the brain to justifying its own failures, which can gradually become the norm. Failure is a temporary phenomenon that will soon pass, so is it worth wasting energy on whining?

Stay close

• Show you care. Your interest shows interest in the personal growth and happiness of your loved one, making it clear that you are ready to accompany him on this path.
• You will know what to expect. The way your partner acts and thinks will change, and this will affect the relationship with you. Sometimes the changes will be awkward or awkward, and understanding his intentions will help you make sense of what is happening.
• This will help your own growth. Your partner will use different perspectives, techniques and strategies. Some of them are suitable for him, while others will be useful to everyone. The more you learn about what your loved one is doing and what is happening to them, the more you will learn about yourself and your development.
• This is an investment in your future together. The process of transformation is endless, but usually there is a particularly active period. After active change and growth, there is usually a lull. The new life is normalized and stabilized. Traveling with your loved one strengthens your relationship with every step.

What is male anger?

So what exactly is anger? This is a strong negative reaction to some trigger (provoking factor). The feeling is destructive, burning, intense.

Yes, it is natural to feel anger. But if a man is constantly angry, uses anger or ignorance as a tool of influence on a woman, or uses force, these are already alarming signals. You may have entered into a relationship with a manipulator. Take a closer look.

The intensity of passions usually depends on four things:

• the reasons that caused a violent reaction;
• general emotional state;
• character traits of a person;
• ability to manage emotions.

After all, what is anger in the first place? Emotion. When you literally boil with anger. At the same time, a man’s anger often looks in the eyes of others as a manifestation of brutality, strength, and power. Therefore, some men actively use this at the right time. But a lady who is constantly angry and screams may be considered an ordinary vixen.

These settings are easy to explain. Men are characterized by aggression; from time immemorial they have fought and defended their territory, while women are naturally softer creatures, and strong rage, on the contrary, is not typical for them. Do you agree? Share what you think about this in the comments, I remind you that all answers are anonymous.

It's normal to be angry, regardless of gender. Another question: what is a negative emotion directed at and how does it affect a person and his environment? Does it bring relief or destroy him and everything around him? In order not to accumulate irritation within yourself, it is important to first build personal boundaries. Boundary violations are the most common cause of anger in both men and women.

Recognize and reward achievements

Professional athletes love “educated fans” who understand the intricacies of the game and understand when to cheer and shout and when not to. Musicians and actors also prefer an audience that understands when to applaud. When we are faced with difficult work, the support of a loving person is like a sip of cool water. Your partner is engaged in a difficult, painful and incomprehensible matter. Sometimes you will want to take part of the burden of his problems upon yourself, but, of course, this is impossible. But you can be there, understand what he is going through, and celebrate his victories with him.

How NOT to support a man

⛔ DO NOT demand that he tell you everything urgently. When he came as black as a cloud, don’t think that if you ask him and he speaks out, he will feel better. This usually works for women, but usually not for men. He looks for a way out of the problem in silence and does not blame it on the weak (although this may be because the “weak” suddenly begin to come in with advice and teachings). If he doesn't want to talk, then you just need to mind your own business. And don't be offended! This is not a stone in your garden, he just doesn’t want to talk NOW, and that doesn’t mean anything else. Leave him alone, just be nearby; if he wants to, he’ll come up and start a conversation.

⛔ DO NOT solve his problems. You are not a mommy or a hen, you don’t need to babysit him, otherwise he will turn into a child. The big one will handle it himself as soon as he comes to his senses, and in this process he will become stronger. Therefore, there is no need to give him money, look for a job for him, arrange interviews, get a job yourself (especially the second and third), and so on. Respect his strength, because for a man, love is in respect.

Support your loved one in their relationships with friends

Men and women equally need the support of friends of the same sex. Often people try to satisfy all their needs with the help of a loved one (as if they go to one store for all goods at once) - when they enter into a long-term relationship, they sometimes lose friends. Many nice people worry that their partner won't like it if they waste their time on friends.

Your loved one needs your support in relationships with friends. He himself will find like-minded people and communicate with them, and you can help with your approval and understanding that making friends takes time. Remember that men and women build friendships differently and your partner is unlikely to do everything the same way you would.

It's important to note that we're talking about healthy same-sex friendships. It's not a good idea (or even fair) to pretend to be in a friendship that you believe is only harmful. We all need mature and adequate friends, capable of empathy and sound assessments of what is happening.

What words to use to support a man in a difficult situation?

The words: best, beloved, brave, strong, generous have a wonderful effect on a man. The main thing is that they are said sincerely. Sometimes simple words can be a good support in difficult times.

In a difficult situation, you can use the following phrases:

• Everything will be fine, I'm with you;
• I will support you in any case, no matter what decision you make;
• You can trust me;
• I am proud of you;
• I'm very happy with you;
• You will succeed, I believe in you;
• Well done, you can do it;
• God gives us only as many trials as we can withstand;
• Whatever happens, everything will change for the better;
• Everything will pass, everything will work out;
• You will definitely cope with this;
• We will get through this together;
• This is all temporary, you will find a way out of this situation.

If you do everything correctly, then problems will only bring you closer, and relationships will become better and stronger. He will understand how lucky he is to have you, and this will increase your self-esteem. Don't skimp on words of encouragement, admire your man, show patience and kindness, and all this will pay off handsomely.

Take care of yourself too

Your couple consists of two people, each of whom is equally important. It's great if you're willing to support your loved one, but you also need to take care of yourself. What is good for one is good for the other, and at best the needs of both will be met. We offer you some ideas on how you can take care of yourself.

• Take care of your health. Absolutely everything - mind, emotions, intuition, etc. - works better when you are healthy. Don't overlook exercise, eating right and getting enough sleep.
• Maintain relationships with friends. The reasons are the same as we mentioned above. He who helps another needs support himself.
• Join a psychological support group. You may think that you are not the type to go to group psychology classes, but believe me, there are many options.
• Take a course of psychotherapy. This will give you a safe environment for conversations and a professional ready to listen to you.

Don't awaken the beast in me: how does anger manifest itself?

As a rule, male anger has the same signs as female anger:

• a person gets hot;
• heart rate increases;
• blood pressure rises;
• trembling begins;
• noise appears in the head;
• everything is seething inside;
• the body contracts and so on.

The man screams, throws objects, slams doors, makes sudden movements, rushes about, and does not control what he says.

Of course, anger doesn't always manifest itself this way. Often the emotion is locked inside, but on the outside you see coldness, detachment, tense silence. Especially if a man is not used to showing real emotions to others or simply cannot do this due to circumstances.

Attention! Anger can also manifest as blinding rage.

When irritation accumulates for a very long time, sooner or later an explosion occurs. Then any little thing will be enough to drive a man crazy. At such moments, a person who does not know how to control emotions becomes dangerous and really looks like a wild animal. Have you heard about the state of passion? Anger is exactly the emotion that can cause it. Therefore, it is better to leave a man in a rage alone for his own safety. And then be sure to find the reason for this behavior and work through it together.