Psychology of relationships in 2021
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Psychology of Relationships is an article in which we will talk in detail about the main concepts, trends and life hacks in the psychology of relationships in 2021.
The article was prepared with the assistance of specialists from one of the best free international dating sites, Free-Russian-Dating.NET. The site has existed since 1999 and over the years has managed to collect millions of psychological portraits, identify the main patterns of communication between a man and a woman, and highlight the main thing that unites and separates in relationships. Thus, the article is not written on assumptions, but on strictly verified patterns that have been collected over more than 20 years of operation of the dating site.
Sometimes it seems that the psychology of relationships is an overwhelming science. Today’s article will try to dispel this myth and talk about the secrets of communication between a man and a woman. Also, experienced psychologists will teach you how to overcome the difficulties of family relationships and receive only pleasant emotions from spending time together with your partner.
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How to understand what is right and what is wrong
Photo by BARBARA RIBEIRO: Pexels
In psychology, the concept of “norm” as such does not exist. It is impossible to determine what is right and what is wrong. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Because what is good for one person will be perceived as unacceptable by others. And it is impossible to know which of them is right.
Because everyone’s statement will be true, but only in relation to his own life. Therefore, when it comes to relationships, the right thing will be what suits both partners.
That is, in a relationship, both feel safe, experience psychological comfort and want to continue communication because it brings them happiness. This does not in any way affect the number of quarrels, the level of passion or the presence of common interests. A couple can have a volcanic type of relationship, but if this suits both, such a relationship will be right for them. They do not lose trust in each other.
Whereas for another couple, just one conflict is a reason for separation, at least in the opinion of at least one of the partners.
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
American Gary Chapman is a Baptist church pastor who has become a popular consultant in the United States on marriage, family issues and relationships between men and women.
Chapman is a deeply religious person, but don’t let this scare atheists. There is not an ounce of moralizing in his book The Five Love Languages. But he has a lot of life experience, a lot of wisdom and love for his readers.
Who is this book for? For those who want to harmonize relationships, learn to express their love for their partner as fully as possible.
After all, you must admit, sometimes it happens: you tell your soul mate about love, but it’s as if they don’t hear you!
Chapman believes that there are five main love languages: words, time, help, touch and gifts.
Everything ingenious is simple: you need to understand what language your partner wants to speak! For example, a wife tells her husband that she loves him, but this is not the main thing for him. He wants a woman to help him with a business project.
The book will help you sort out confusion, master ways of expressing feelings, and resolve even very complex conflicts.
General principles of healthy relationships
But despite the fact that each person determines for himself how much a particular relationship suits him and is considered acceptable and correct, from the point of view of psychology, several fundamental principles of healthy relationships can be identified:
- mutual respect - it is expressed in the fact that people, entering into relationships, a priori recognize each other’s rights to individuality, free will, feelings and the right to choose. They do not degrade another person or put themselves above;
- respecting personal boundaries - a person should not unilaterally violate the psychological distance of another. Everyone has their own personal space. For some it’s okay for someone to view his correspondence, for others it’s not. The couple should define their boundaries in advance;
- interest - both partners must want to maintain and continue the relationship. This desire will help them find compromises and take into account the opinion of their partner. But if only one person needs a relationship, then the second, unfortunately, will take advantage of it;
- recognition of the right to freedom of another person - even if you are a couple, this does not mean that one can dictate to the other how to live, with whom to communicate, what to do, how to dress, how much to weigh, and so on;
- sincerity - the ability to be honest with each other. This not only means not lying. This means not being afraid to express your point of view, your thoughts, talk about feelings, even if they are negative and relate to this person;
12 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
- confidence in each other - only by experiencing it, people will not be afraid to be sincere. They feel that the person will support them, try to understand, that is, will be on their side. This is a guarantee of a feeling of security in communication;
- emotional contact - people in close communication should experience emotions towards each other. They are not always positive. This can be anger, resentment, sadness, but, of course, there should be more joy, happiness, and interest. It's worse when you don't feel anything for this person.
Whether these principles of communication are suitable or not, each person decides for himself. He can formulate completely different positions, the main thing is that they are determined personally by him.
By the way, these principles of interaction apply not only to love relationships. Friendly, child-parent, mentoring relationships, or communication with colleagues - they are suitable for all relationships if the person is close to you and matters.
Of course, if you communicate with a cashier in a store, you are unlikely to have emotional contact, sincerity and confidence. But respect, respect for boundaries, recognition of the right to freedom remain relevant.
Social relations: structure of interactions
The system of social relations has its own parameters that characterize society.
These include:
- openness;
- hierarchy;
- self-regulation;
- self-organization;
- informational.
The main feature of social relations is the formation of mutual connections between members of society (society), helping them achieve their goals, improve their status, and fulfill social roles.
The structure of social relations is very complex; it necessarily includes the interaction of at least two people as a result of their joint activities.
Sociologists identify the following types of social relations that occur most often.
Conflict
Such relationships occur in all spheres of social interaction. How the conflict is resolved is influenced by the emotionality, temperament, character of the people involved in it, as well as their level of education and the presence of moral values. Social conflicts can end locally, for example, in a fight, or they can develop into global events, which include wars and genocide.
Conflict can be resolved either positively or negatively. The negative consequences of conflict situations include a catastrophe, when people do not want to give in to mutual confrontation and this leads to the violent destruction of each other. And also confrontation, in which both sides oppose each other for a long time, are in a tough confrontation and do not make concessions. As a result, the relationship either ends completely, gets frozen, or leads to disaster.
A positive resolution of a conflict comes down to either reaching consensus, that is, developing a common opinion, or to a compromise, when the conflicting parties make concessions, take steps towards each other, while maintaining their specificity and originality.
Addiction
This type of relationship represents the subordination of one of the parties participating in social interaction and the dominance of the other. Such relationships include the interaction between student and teacher, boss and subordinate.
Cooperation
In such social relationships, the main role is played by the achievement of a common goal. Participants take into account not only their interests and desires, but also the needs of their companions and partners. This is necessary for normal operation and achievement of a common goal.
Rivalry
This type of relationship is based on strong feelings, both negative and positive. Without them, market development is impossible. In competition, a person or group of people tries to defeat their competitors in the struggle for material wealth, resources, and power.
Social relations are a stable system that is limited by certain norms, official and unofficial.
It contains:
- objects;
- subjects;
- interests;
- needs;
- values.
The stability of society depends on the choice of model of social relations. Where the desire for subjugation, domination and dominance comes first by instilling fear in more vulnerable people, the level of tension quickly increases, leading to armed conflicts. A democratic society is characterized by legal relationships between people based on equality and cooperation.
STUCK IN SYMBIOSIS
People who felt unwanted in childhood subconsciously want to receive from their partner all the warmth, love and comfort that their parents did not give them. And therefore they tend to get stuck in symbiosis. When a couple does not reach the stage of differentiation for a very long time, the story can develop in one of two directions - fused or hostile dependence.
Symbiotically united couples do not yet know how to overcome differences, and therefore they hide them very cleverly, and it seems that it is impossible to imagine people more suitable for each other. They have common friends, common interests and goals, they go everywhere together and do everything together. They never quarrel because they are afraid that any disagreement can instantly destroy everything. And the main goal of such a couple is to preserve the relationship at any cost. As a rule, the price is loss of individuality. The two “I”s completely merge into “we”, everyone’s attention is focused on the partner, because it depends on him whether the other will be happy. Everyone tries to keep their partner close to them, to read his thoughts, to be the only one in the world for him... They do not talk about their desires, fearing that their partner may not like them. And both live in constant fear of being abandoned.
A hostilely dependent couple may seem like the exact opposite of the previous one. But, in essence, I am captive of the same idea: my partner is the only person who can give me happiness... but for some reason doesn’t want to. Hence the constant quarrels, grief and reproaches. Everyone is absolutely sure that they will feel better if their partner changes, is constantly resentful that “you don’t do what I want,” and is angry at having to talk about desires: “If you loved me, you would know what I want.” Want".
Everyone in such a couple considers their needs to be the most important and is ready to step over their partner’s discomfort. Even the most constructive criticism is perceived with hostility, and small contradictions are perceived as global attacks. Both quickly slip into childhood, start yelling, breaking dishes and slamming doors. Neither of them thinks about how his behavior affects his partner, but expects the other to automatically fulfill all his desires. And he gets angry if he doesn’t fulfill them. After all, it is my partner who is responsible for how I feel, why is he doing this to me!
Everyone in such a couple can be sure that the partner is obliged to take care of him, but at the same time feel that he is unworthy of such care. Therefore, they count on it, demand it and... refuse when it is offered to them. Every kind word is seen as a catch or manipulation, and when one expresses his feeling, the second takes it as an accusation and the conflict flares up.
In addition to the fear of being abandoned, this couple also has a fear of absorption, and therefore constant quarrels are used to maintain distance. But the dependence on this is only increasing.
"Games People Play" and "People Who Play Games" by Eric Berne
Books about relationships are often replete with practical advice on what to do in a given situation. American psychologist Eric Berne, the founder of transactional analysis, does not give advice.
He suggests looking deeper and understanding: what game are you playing with your partner?
According to the psychologist, relationships between a man and a woman can be built according to the same models, and their number is limited.
For example, the most unhappy couples are familiar with the games “Alcoholic” or “Hit Me.” The names speak for themselves.
You can also play the games “Frigid Woman” or “Frigid Man”, try on the role of the “Harried Housewife”, learn the parts “If it weren’t for you” and “See how hard I tried” (but I didn’t succeed).
The psychology of relationships according to Berne is quite simple: he suggests realizing your favorite game and acting in relationships from the adult part of your personality.
"Act like a woman, think like a man" Steve Harvey
Comedian, writer and actor Steve Harvey has been entertaining the American public for quite a long time with his subtle and incredibly funny sketches about the relationship between a man and a woman.
Moreover, he is a born psychologist! His advice is very effective and his observations are accurate.
What is the mentality of a man and the logic of a woman? Why should the fair half of humanity master the art of transforming into a man, and why should representatives of the opposite sex understand how their partner lives?
The book contains a lot of practical things: about the stages of relationships between a man and a woman, and about the peculiarities of the worldview of representatives of different genders.
The main thesis of the male writer: our love is not like yours.
"Love, Love, Love" by Liz Burbo
Liz Burbo's relationship books are special. The psychologist provides an understanding of the relationship between men and women at the deepest level.
Burbo is known to the Russian-speaking reader for her fundamental work “Five traumas that prevent you from being yourself.”
At the same time, phrases from the book “Love, love, love. About different ways to improve relationships, about accepting others and oneself” also divided into quotes.
For example, she writes that our loved ones do not want to give us pleasure on demand. “Whoever refuses to accept this is doomed to experience disappointment, anger and bitterness in his life,” the author writes.
Her book is primarily about the illusions that prevent us from seeing life and love in all their fullness. For example, a common illusion: saying “no” to a partner means offending him. Or another thing: directly stating your needs is considered impolite.
Liz Burbo debunks popular myths about the psychology of relationships and shows what really prevents us from becoming happy.
“10 ways to ruin a relationship with a man”, Elena Antonovich
Books about relationships are often replete with negative examples. The authors tell us what makes us unhappy, but do not show us how to build a harmonious life and love!
Psychologist Elena Antonovich does not act this way at all. She tells us about successful couples and encourages us to learn from positive models. These are stories in which not everything goes smoothly, but they all have a happy ending.
The book contains almost ready-made recipes: how to deal with conflicts in a couple, what to expect at one or another stage in the development of a relationship between a man and a woman, and most importantly, how to preserve love.
“The Japanese Art of Dialogue Without Quarrels”, Tatsunari Iota
The psychology of relationships between men and women in Japan is special, with centuries-old traditions. It is with her that the Japanese author Tatsunari Iota introduces us.
But in his book there is, in fact, nothing specifically “Japanese”, only universal wisdom.
For example, why do we fight? Yes, because we are not telepaths, and we need to express our needs out loud! In total, Iota identified 36 main sources of gender conflict.
And for each type, he developed phrases that could extinguish the flames of an incipient quarrel and restore harmony and love to the couple.
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
“On emotions. How to Resolve the Most Painful Conflicts by Daniel Shapiro
Psychologist, sociologist and negotiator Daniel Shapiro has created an applied manual for resolving conflict situations.
This book is not only about the relationship between a man and a woman, it touches on a much wider range of problems - from everyday quarrels between spouses to conflicts at the level of corporations and even states.
Don’t be fooled by the title: “On Emotions.” Here this word does not carry any negative meaning. An experienced psychologist, Shapiro understands that it is useless to fight emotions. It is important to recognize them, and, accordingly, to manage them.
The psychology of relationships is tied to conflict management, the ability to resolve both personal and ideological disputes. And Shapiro’s book literally gives step-by-step instructions.
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood
Relationships between a man and a woman most often develop according to one scenario: it is the woman who is codependent, while the man runs headlong from a sincere rapprochement with his partner.
Robin Norwood's book "Women Who Love Too Much" has, in fact, already become a cult classic. It is written for girls who constantly get stuck in relationships that bring them suffering.
Why does a woman feel guilty, “not the same,” as if she constantly needs to improve something about herself? Why does she tend to choose cold and cruel men as her partners?
Why does she need to remake and save her partner, and what does childhood have to do with it?
The book gives answers and can truly change the attitude of women who are hungry for love and normal human warmth.
Attachment avoidance model
People in this pattern tend to distance themselves emotionally from their partner. They often try to take a step back to feel “pseudo-independent” and take care of themselves.
“Pseudo-dependency” is actually an illusion because connection is necessary for every person, but this truth is categorically denied by the avoidance-attachment model. Because they deny the importance of having a loved one, it is easy for them to distance themselves from him or her.
Often these people have many elements of self-defense; they can emotionally “close themselves,” “turn off” their feelings and not react at all even to the most heated emotional situations.
If their partner gets angry and says he's leaving, all you'll hear is, "It doesn't matter to me."
