How to cope with the death of your mother and help yourself after

If the title of the article caught your attention, we can assume that you are faced with the loss of a loved one - your mother. You are crushed and broken into small pieces. Or maybe, on the contrary, you arrive in an emotional stupor and feel nothing.

Be that as it may, our task is to give you the necessary information that will help you figure out what you need to do in such situations, and how, step by step, to survive all this, and return to everyday, but a new life in which it will no longer be yours moms.

To begin with, we want you to know that you are not alone in your grief, we are with you. We sincerely strive to help you process your loss so that you do not get stuck in one of the phases of grief.

In this article:

Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning Stage No. 2 Return to a new life Brief recommendations

What feelings might you face after a loss?

The experience of loss depends on personal characteristics, social environment, attitude towards death and relationship with mother. In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people are unable to go to work or cope with household chores because this is the acute phase of grief.

Grief researcher William Warden writes that grief and other feelings are needed to adapt to loss. There are a number of feelings that people commonly name when describing their grief experience—all of which are normal. According to the charity Independent Age, after the death of a loved one, people may experience:

shock and feeling of unreality, especially in the first days after death;
anxiety, general or about something specific;
worry about one's own mortality;
anger and irritation - for example, they can be angry with loved ones;
sadness;
guilt;
feeling of hopelessness;
the need to support others and suppress one's own grief;
some relief if a person has been sick for a long time.

Your experience may vary.
It's normal if you have difficulty identifying what specific feeling you are experiencing. Strong emotions can be scary, but they usually get weaker over time. Olga Shaveko , systemic family psychotherapist, specializes in working with trauma and loss.
There are five stages that a person goes through during the loss of a loved one: denial, aggression, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But it is important to remember that the grieving process does not follow clear stages. The stages are very arbitrary, and a lot depends on the situation, on the characteristics of the person, on what kind of support is nearby.

The stages usually go through many times, and the strength of the emotions gradually decreases. It is not always possible to reach acceptance. Then the grieving process can become chronic and last for a long time.

How to help someone cope with the death of their mother

If you feel the need to help someone else cope with the death of their mother, but do not know how to act correctly, listen to the recommendations.

To kid

Has there been grief in the family? Don't try to push your child away, let him express his grief with you. Don't pretend that nothing happened and life can go on as usual - everyone needs time to process the loss. The emotional distress will not decrease, but the danger of deep fears that can lead to complex psychological difficulties will disappear. Surround your child with love, support and care.

Help your child:

Share the grief among all family members
. Accept mourning for everyone, including children. An exception may be preschoolers. Each family member will understand each other's experiences.
The most difficult thing for an adult is to tell a child about the death of his mother
. The mission should be entrusted to one of the relatives. If this is not possible, an adult who inspires confidence in the child should tell about the tragedy. Touch the baby at this moment: sit him on your lap, hug him.
Give your child a feeling of love and support
- he is not abandoned or rejected, he is loved and appreciated.
The child should not feel guilty for the death of his mother
.
Don't try to persuade him to restrain himself, to keep it in his hands
. Grief not experienced in time can return years later.
Older children need solitude
. Don't argue, don't impose company. This is a natural desire and behavior that helps them cope with the loss.
Provide your child with physical care
- help him with his homework, prepare lunch, make sure his things are clean. There is no need to sharply accustom him to new adult responsibilities.
It is unnatural and dangerous for a baby to hold back tears; let him cry
. If he doesn't want to do it, don't force him.
In a moment of misfortune, distribute household responsibilities
; no one should be isolated from everyday affairs.
Let your child share his fears
. Talk softly about the loss, find out what is bothering him.

To a close relative

Coping with the death of your mother is not easy. Did a close relative experience this? Show him that he is not alone in his grief, he has support. He needs presence and participation - give it. Let me talk, discuss with him the feelings and experiences that have arisen. Let him know that you are there. Does he need physical care, is he unable to cope with household chores? Help him! Don't leave him alone with difficult thoughts. Spend time talking and walking.

To a friend or colleague

Have you learned that a friend or colleague is dealing with the death of their mother? You can help and ease the pain of loss. If we are talking about a colleague, discuss what happened with the team, adhere to the general strategy, and become a supporter for the employee. Do you see a need in a person to speak out? Do not deny him it, alternately enter into conversations with him, do not refuse attention. Do you see that the employee is not inclined to share what happened? Don’t put pressure on him, let him survive his mother’s death on his own. Pay attention to how it is easier for him to cope with the loss: by reducing the amount of work or loading himself with it. During the period of mourning, provide him with a comfortable pace.

What to do if you feel guilty?

Guilt occurs when a person believes that their actions or inactions have somehow made a situation worse. Psychologist Edward Kubani has found that people who have experienced a traumatic event often distort their role in it. For example, they exaggerate the degree of their responsibility or think that they did something wrong. These are distortions of our thinking; they can be noticed in the process of introspection or analyzed together with a psychologist.

Clinical psychologists Matthew Valley and Hardeep Kaur, in an article for the Psychology Tools website, suggest this exercise to cope with feelings of guilt:

Write down on paper your regrets and everything you blame yourself for.
Try to look at your feelings with compassion. We all have regrets and we all make mistakes, but relationships aren't all mistakes and regrets.
Perhaps you can take a broader view and give yourself some kindness, like you would a dear friend. Ask yourself:

If your mother could hear and see how sorry and guilty you are, how would she reassure and console you?
What would a dear and wise friend say to you?
If another person felt regret and guilt, what would you say to them?

Talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling, they may be able to support you.

Olga Shaveko

Women often come to me with regrets about not having time to talk to their mother, with unspoken grievances. In this situation, it helps to write a letter and express in it everything that was not possible during life. You can do whatever you want with the letter: leave it, burn it, tear it up. If you feel that one letter is not enough, write more.

Sometimes people feel guilty because they think that they somehow did not care for the patient properly or were not there enough. There may be guilt, and it is normal to feel it, but it is important to understand that it should not overwhelm you. “If I had acted differently, everything would have been different” - no. While a person blames himself, he does not accept the fact of loss, he goes over in his head the moments of how everything could be corrected.

To avoid self-blame, it is important to remember that you did not know the consequences and could not have done anything differently. Even if you had a fight with your mother the day before, you can look at it this way: the decision you made then was the only possible one in those circumstances.

Yulia, 25 years old

My mother raised me quite authoritarianly. I was angry with her and could wish her death. Mom died when I was a teenager. I thought I caused her death with my thoughts. Guilt plagued me until I worked through it in therapy as an adult.

The destruction of the illusion of children's omnipotence helped me; I realized that I could not influence my mother's death with my thoughts. I have now been going to therapy for over a year. But I still have a feeling of guilt for wishing her harm, and I continue to work with it.

And I wanted a little - just for him to be near

My dad is an angel. And there can be no other explanations.

And everything seems to be as it was before. We need to move on with our lives. But my children will never have a grandfather... Appreciate fathers while they are alive! We will definitely meet again, dad. And even if it won’t be here. I can't believe that you're gone forever. No matter how anyone proves it... And yet there is something worse than separation. And this is called death. Anyway, thank you to the world for giving me such a father! I hope you have a good time there. You come to me at least in my dreams. When loved ones pass away, it’s more than just pain. Sometimes you really don't want to live! You will be in my heart as long as I live. And no other way! You taught me really important things. I love you dad. It pains me to see your grave. I would like to see you instead... Real fathers today are still a rarity. That’s why it’s so unbearable when they leave! When your dad leaves, you have no one to help you with your pain. There is simply no one! A good dad should be appreciated. To appreciate while he is alive, no matter how scary it may sound... I always lived to make my dad proud. Even now, when he is no longer alive... Thank you, Lord, for such a caring dad. Tell me, for what sins did you take him away from me? My dad was real. He loved to teach life lessons. What can I say, he often got angry. And I would give a lot if only we could be together again!

And if there is no grief, is that normal?

Australian scholar and director of the Grief Center Christopher Hall writes that everyone experiences loss differently. It is possible that you will not grieve the way it is shown in the movies or the way your relatives come to life. You may be coping with your mom's death without tears, but it can still be grief.

If the mother was ill for a long time, the child could grieve her loss even before death. Because the loss is not only death, but also the loss of hope, the loss of a close relationship with the mother.

Sometimes it happens that mother and child do not have a close relationship. Then, even though the mother is a related person by blood, perhaps her child may not experience grief from the death of the mother.

Olga Shaveko

After the death of your mother, you can feel relief if the relationship was bad. Then you can feel that conflicts and resentments have stopped. It is difficult to accept the feeling of relief and joy due to guilt. After all, my mother died, and in such a situation it is customary to grieve. But any emotions are normal, you can allow yourself to feel them.

There may also be relief if the mother was sick for a long time and it was difficult to care for her. When a person is tired and burned out during caregiving, they may feel relieved that the hard work is over. And this is also a normal feeling.

Controlling obsessive thoughts

If thoughts of death are constantly swirling in your head, they can become dangerous. It's normal to talk about it with friends or sometimes think that if something happens to your loved ones, it will be difficult. But if you imagine how the body decomposes, or constantly project the pain that a person supposedly experiences in the last minutes, then there is nothing healthy here. There is no need to bring your thoughts to obvious obsession. For example, there are people who sleep in a cemetery to try to feel what it is like to sleep underground. Is this normal? Of course no! Therefore, you should not bring yourself to such a state. Everything should be in moderation, even if we are talking about rather sad thoughts. So try to concentrate on life. Don't put yourself into completely groundless depression. There is so much beauty in life, so it’s simply a pity to waste it on gloomy thoughts that still can’t change anything.

Is it possible to somehow psychologically prepare yourself in advance?

If you are wondering how you will feel during a loss, you can try to explore your own relationship with death. For example, ask yourself what scares you most about her. This will help you gradually come to terms with the fact that sooner or later you may face the loss of a loved one.

At the same time, psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, in a publication for a service for finding psychotherapists, emphasizes that loss will be a painful and difficult experience, even if you prepare for it.

The death of a loved one is a great loss that can cause many changes in life. Grief does not end quickly, and often a person must adapt not only to the loss of a loved one, but also to the fact that the usual order of things will change.

Olga Shaveko

Even if mom is sick, death will still be unexpected. No matter how we realize that the disease is serious, we always live in the moment. For example, one day my mother is more cheerful, and this gives me hope that everything will work out.

At this moment, you can pay attention to your well-being so as not to burn out. A person with burnout often becomes cynical and irritable; he has no strength left for empathy and communication with his mother. And it is important to continue communicating, holding hands, in order to ask all questions and express feelings, while mom can answer them.

The scientific journal “Bulletin of TvGU” presents the results of a comparative study of the experiences of people faced with loss: for some, a loved one passed away suddenly, for others - slowly, as a result of illness. It turned out that sudden death is more difficult to come to terms with. Those faced with such a situation tend to blame themselves for past conflicts with loved ones and for not being able to say goodbye.

We live in the illusion of stability, that tomorrow will come, that we can call our loved ones. And they are not ready for the fact that this can change in one second. Sudden death can be deeply hurtful because it disrupts this sense of stability.
Olga Shaveko

But those who have lost loved ones from a long-term illness experience grief more acutely. This is due to the fact that they were depressed for a long time due to the serious condition of their loved one and the inability to help him recover. Therefore, if you are caring for your mother during illness, it is important to make time for yourself to rest.

Elena, 28 years old

Mom died a year ago. It was unexpected. She was not sick, did not complain about her health. Two days ago we communicated with her, everything was fine. And then death.

How did I feel? I was very hurt. Very sad. I didn't understand why? How? Why so early? I couldn't stop crying for a long time. I didn't believe what was happening. I still, a year later, don’t believe it. I feel sorry, hurt and offended that she left so early.

Since then I turned to a psychologist for help. And just recently it became a little easier. Gradually the feeling that she is somewhere nearby disappears. I stopped dreaming about her often.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist, about how things are with the experience of grief in our society:

“I hear the same thing from clients all the time - “I was forbidden to cry.” They tell how “dad died, but I didn’t cry.” Why? “I had to hold on and support my mother.” All these stories have the same consequences: as a rule, this is depression of varying degrees of severity and a lack of resources for the present, since they, like treasures in a chest, are buried in the past. In our culture, valor is not noticing very strong feelings. Undoubtedly, this is due to the country's wild, violent history in the last century. But now is peacetime, and the survival strategies are still the same, military ones. It is customary to experience the death of loved ones courageously, calm faces at funerals are considered correct, crying is shameful, and howling loudly (which is the most healing and correct thing for a loss of such magnitude) is impossible.”

I found out that I was actually in grief 1.5 years later. I got into a hot air balloon accident, survived, and when they brought me, lying down, home to Moscow, I needed the help of a psychotherapist - I could not sleep, all the time “remembering with my body” the moment I hit the ground.

When we dealt with post-traumatic syndrome, question number two arose. I said: “I don’t have a bright memory of my mother, I want to correct this situation.”

After that session, I started crying and cried for many hours every day for a week. Dad was surprised: they turned to a psychologist for help to make things easier, but his daughter was hysterical.

Then it seemed that what was hidden under drugs, alcohol, phenazepam, adrenaline, sex and the “celebration of life” sobbingly came out of me.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist:

“The most important thing, the most difficult thing is to admit that you need time and a break. That you fell, but you can’t get up. That you are hurting so much that you can no longer pretend that nothing is happening. And here it is important and necessary to allow yourself not to be great, not to hold on. You need to allow yourself to cry. Lie with your nose to the wall. Hit your fist on the table.

To say “I’m alive, I devoted years to his illness, and now I want to live.”

Saying “I’m angry that you died and left us alone.”

Say “I miss you so much, I miss you so much, I’m crying for you”.

Where do problems with clear memory come from and what are “bad and good mothers”?

My mother drank - it was such a semi-bohemian lifestyle that led to illness, addiction - this topic also worries me very much, and I am preparing material on it.

The scale of the addiction became clear only when, after 40 days, I came to sort out her things, and empty vodka bottles fell from the closet and from the blouses onto the floor.

A year before her death, she was diagnosed with liver disease and was banned from everything. She didn't last long and told her beloved man that she didn't want to live with such restrictions. And eventually she reached the stage when, when I came to visit her, I saw her in delirium tremens.

My most beautiful, gentle, smartest, most talented mother.

Children should not see their mothers in this state.

To realize and accept that it was her choice, her fate, her illness, and that you are not to blame for anything, and she is also not to blame for anything, it almost happened only now, at my 42 years old.

And then, all my life, I had complaints and resentments towards her, and a lack of answers to a sea of children’s, women’s, and various questions, and accusations, and a feeling of guilt - for the fact that all this comes out, and not a bright memory.

Because after my uncle, my mother’s younger brother, also died, my grandparents and their parents, who lost both children, became very bad. And no one was particularly interested in how I felt there. I had to stop being a granddaughter, change roles with them, and day after day, for five years, carry their black hole with me.

Thank you for your support, dad, but my resource then ran out, and then, after they left, I recovered – physically and mentally – for another five years.

By the way, a feeling of relief when loved ones pass away, who had a difficult time leaving or with whom it was difficult during life - this also happens and is also normal. Another feeling that simply exists, and you don’t need to forbid yourself and scold yourself for being “callous.”

We are living people, and we contain the whole spectrum of emotions.

And I don’t go to funerals anymore - there were 10 of them in 12 years, two of which I arranged myself. Since then I say goodbye to people mentally, but I don’t want and can’t be close to death.

How to say goodbye to your mother?

All cultures have rituals of farewell to the deceased. They may differ, but they have a similar meaning - they help to acknowledge the fact of loss, say goodbye, and be together in difficult times. According to clinical psychologist Kristi Denkla, one of the steps to coming to terms with the fact of death is to see the body of the deceased. Therefore, many psychotherapists advise attending the funeral.

In Russia, it is customary to say goodbye at a funeral and then at a wake. Also, many remember the deceased on his birthday and the day of death.

If you didn't have the opportunity to attend the funeral, you can say goodbye in a different way. For example, write a farewell letter and burn it, play your favorite song with your mother at a family meeting, go on a trip to her favorite places. All these actions are symbolic, but they also help to overcome grief.

Olga Shaveko

Rituals help you say goodbye. There are situations when it hurts so much that you can’t talk about your mother or remember her. Then the topic becomes taboo. Funerals and wakes are needed to get everyone together and say goodbye. This is a kind of transition to reality, where the person is no longer with you.

Mother's birthdays and death days remind us that now is the time to remember and talk about her. Conversations are needed to share sadness with other people, to recognize that there was a person, everyone remembers him, but now he is gone. These are the traditions that are worth preserving because they help you adapt to loss.

Even if people do not perform special rituals, they still tend to remember the dead on their important dates. Often clients come to therapy on the anniversaries of the death of their loved ones.

How to get through all the stages of grief

The theory of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross helped me see my emotions from the outside. When you name them and show them on yourself, it makes them not so big and important. These are the stages of grief:

negation;
anger;
bargaining (let me explain: here we mean an attempt to come to an agreement with the Universe, God about something that is important to man);
depression;
Adoption.

I have already partially touched on almost all the points (the first emotion is denial, then anger, depression, acceptance). But it is important to structure them, which is what the author of the theory did. I would also like to consider the bargaining clause. A person tries to control his life and the situations that arise in it. But the world is big, and we, people, decide little in it (if you look globally), so trying to get something for yourself, promising in return to give up other things (less important in the hierarchy of human happiness) is a dead-end approach.

But a person must also go through this stage, there is no need to try to convince him of the meaninglessness of what is happening, he himself will understand this, when acceptance occurs, humility will come. A person who has experienced grief has the right to want to bring a loved one back to life, to meet him, to say important words to the one who died. Even an Orthodox Christian can behave this way, because this is a natural reaction.

What to do if everything around reminds you of your mother?

It happens that it is difficult to come across constant reminders of your mother. And if you lived together, her things would be everywhere: a toothbrush in the bathroom, laundry in the laundry, a mug in the kitchen. But throwing things away or putting them away can be even more difficult than looking at them.

If mom's room remains untouched for many years after her death, it may maintain the illusion that nothing happened. This is bad because a person can remain in denial that his mother died.
Olga Shaveko

Co-founders of the grief portal What's your grief? They advise you to sort things out like this:

Call friends or family members for help. Ask them to collect and throw away things that are definitely not valuable (uneaten food, personal hygiene items, laundry). You can also ask them to help you collect and sort the rest of your things. For example, you can put things in different boxes:

save for yourself;
leave for others;
sell;
donate, give;
throw away;
things that you can't decide yet.

When sorting, it can be difficult to decide what to do with things. It is important to take breaks; there is no need to sort everything out at once.

You can ask yourself questions:

Do I have room for this item?
Do I need to save all items? For example, if your mother collected porcelain figurines, the collection may take up a lot of space. Then you can keep a few figures for yourself and give the rest to relatives and friends.
Can I take a photo of this item? Sometimes it is difficult to part with an item, even if it is necessary. In this case, you can take high-quality photos of the item and keep them as a souvenir.
Can I make something valuable out of these things? For example, you can make a bedspread from prints of old T-shirts.

Important things for you, photographs, letters can be put in a special “memory box”. Find a suitable storage space and schedule times when you remember Mom and look through the items in the box, such as on death anniversaries and birthdays.

After a loss, especially in the first weeks, it can be difficult to return to activities that involve mom. For example, going to your cafe, mom’s favorite dish, cycling along your route. It is important to gradually regain the opportunity to visit your favorite places and do your favorite things in a new reality where there is no mother.

Here's a way to gradually confront situations that trigger memories:

Make a list of places and activities that remind you of your mother. Rank the situations from the simplest to the most complex, causing a lot of feelings.
Make a plan for how and when you will begin to face the situations you have been avoiding. To make it easier, ask a friend or close family member to go with you.
Be gentle with yourself, it's best to start with small steps because it may be difficult to face the reminders again.
If you notice difficult emotions arising, try to slow down and describe these emotions, feel where exactly in the body they are felt most strongly. This will help you get in touch with your emotions.

Return to a new life

The funeral stage is over. Life is gradually returning to normal. Need to get back to work/school/everyday.

Again, special attention should be paid to the question: do you have children? If the answer is yes, it is important, at this moment, to remember that you are also a mother. You can, of course, delegate taking care of them to your husband or relatives, but, first of all, they need you. You need to become a support and support for each other.

If the answer is no, it is important for you to have someone nearby who can share your pain with you. He doesn’t necessarily have to say anything or look for words of reassurance. When a person sincerely sympathizes with you, it is enough that he simply listens.

You need to talk it out, cry. You can't suppress emotions. Otherwise, you risk driving them far into the subconscious. And this is fraught with the most unexpected and unpleasant consequences.

If it so happens that you are left alone and there are no people who can support you, it doesn’t matter. You can find them on the Internet. Contact a specialized psychological forum and describe all the pain of loss. Be sure to respond to those who have had the same thing. These people will understand you best. You will be able to feel their warmth and support.

Briefly about the main thing

At this stage, it is important to gradually begin to return to normal life. Yes, it is different, but still it is your life, it is the most valuable thing that can be. It is important to give free rein to your emotions. Don't hold them back. Cry, even scream. Alternatively, you can go to the gym and hit a punching bag. That is, through the body, to release inner pain.

Don't forget the tears. Now they will be your main assistants.
Tears are emotional - they “wash away” pain. Crying is considered the most effective way to express emotions.

Again, consider the following:

You may be surrounded by people who will not fully understand your pain of loss. They will start telling you general phrases like: “You shouldn’t grieve! Get a hold of yourself! You can’t cry so much!!” They, as it were, give you a ban on the outburst of emotions. They impose beliefs on how you should feel and behave.

This may be due to the fact that, first of all, your severe pain is transmitted to them. And they are not ready to share it with you. They become uncomfortable and uncomfortable. Therefore, they begin to instill in you this pattern of response. Try to avoid the company of such people.

Don't forget about physiology. The relationship between the influence of emotions on the development of somatic diseases has already been proven.

A person who is in a state of grief cannot relax due to muscle tension and tension. This condition leads to pressure surges, insomnia, and heart disease.

Start with relaxation. It would be ideal if you started going for a massage for a while. It relieves muscle tension. If this is not possible, try self-massage.

It is important not to forget nutrition - even if there is no appetite at all, then you need to eat at least a little. You need to maintain your body's strength. But you shouldn’t go to the other extreme - overeating, thus eating away your pain.

Don't forget about your sleep schedule. If you cannot cope with insomnia on your own, seek help from a specialist.

It is important to record and work through basic feelings

You may feel guilty. It will seem that you didn’t put in enough effort, or paid little time, attention, care, or, in general, didn’t give something to your mother. And now I wish I could go back there and fix everything. And this thought, like a whip, will hit intensely and painfully.

It is very important to work through this feeling. If you realize that you can’t do it on your own, it’s better not to delay and contact a specialist.

Remember!

There is the following classification of grief (it will be presented in free form):

Shock - duration 1-3 days
Cry - 1-9 days after death
Depression - 40 days
Mourning - up to a year
Anniversary

Giphy
The state of mourning can last up to one and a half years. Then the intensity of feelings decreases significantly. There is a complete recovery and return to everyday life.

How to support yourself after loss?

Different actions may be required at different times after a loss. Clinical psychologists Matthew Valley and Hardeep Kaur recommend:

Carry out any rituals. Rituals help you understand the reality of what happened and find your meaning in it.
Express your grief, sorrow and other feelings. For example, keep a diary and record your experiences in it.
Tell the story of your loss and grief, for example, write your story on social networks. This is also a way to reflect on experiences and get support.
Write a letter to your mom about what you wanted to say and didn’t say. This will help express feelings.
Be in touch with your emotions. Many of us are good at suppressing emotions, so feeling them can be difficult and unusual. You can imagine every emotion as a part of yourself. For example, the part that is angry and the part that is afraid. Distinguishing your emotions is important to understand what is happening to you and how you can help yourself.

Olga Shaveko

The better a person understands himself, the easier it is to support himself during periods of grief. Support is a word that everyone understands differently. You can understand what kind of support you need by remembering what kind of support you had in your family, or by asking yourself what kind of support I expect. Often we do not ask ourselves such questions, but expect from loved ones that they should know what and when to say.

Sadness and crying are normal and appropriate to the situation. Many people find it difficult to allow themselves emotions, because there is a feeling that if you let yourself go a little, you will never stop crying. The grieving process occurs in waves, sometimes it’s very difficult, sometimes it becomes easier.

And often society, people who support, try to distract, say that life goes on and we must hold on. You can try to get away from emotions for a while, but they will still cover you. Then trivial situations like spilled tea can cause sobs. At such moments, it helps to go to a psychologist to create a safe space for living emotions.

You can say: “It’s important for me to cry.” Explain that this helps to cope with the loss. It is difficult for people to simply be there and hold the hand of a crying person. I want to do something and help. But being close can be the most important thing.

If loved ones violate your personal space and devalue your feelings, it is important to find a time and place for yourself where you can experience emotions. For example, agree to see a supportive friend more often. It is better to reduce communication that makes you feel bad.

Yulia, 25 years old

My mother died when I was 12 years old. I stayed with my dad and grandmother. It was a stressful period, conflicts began in the family, and soon my grandmother left.

For a long time I repressed my feelings about my mother’s death. There was a moment at the funeral when I wanted to cry and join in the general feeling of grief. One of my mother’s friends said that I should not cry so as not to upset my grandmother. I never managed to cry, and for a long time after that I didn’t cry at all. And repressed grief.

When I was at university, it became more and more difficult for me to pass papers. I came to therapy with a request about difficulties in studying, and at the very first session I began to talk about the death of my mother and cry. In therapy, I felt better, and I began to work with unlived and blocked feelings.

Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning

Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
There is a concept called “extreme grief.” There is a synonymous concept “shock”. This condition is typical for the first time after the loss of a loved one. After the sad news has been received, it is very important not to be alone with yourself.

You should contact your relatives, friend, or good acquaintance as soon as possible. That is, those people who can provide support.

It may also be that the sad news befell you when you are in another city, or even another country.

In this case, it is also important that, at least via telephone or video call, you can contact those people who can provide support. They will listen and allow you to throw out all the pain from the loss.

Much important at the initial stage is the organization of the funeral. If you are not able, due to severe mental shock, to take care of it yourself, it is important to find those people from your environment who can help organize the funeral. They will take care of all organizational issues.

If you still take on the organizational issues, it is important to start by looking for a funeral agency and agreeing on the place and time of the funeral. Choose a place for the wake: if the budget is limited, the wake can be at home. In this case, it is important to cooperate with relatives or friends, who will bring what, and how they can help.

Be sure to call all those who must attend the funeral. Tell them the time and place.

Important! At this stage, as a rule, the consciousness of the grieving person is scattered. He may forget information or get confused about it. Therefore, you need to write everything down so as not to disorient yourself.

It is important to consider whether there are small children in the family. Particular attention should be paid to how to tell them the sad news so as not to cause psychological trauma.

You should take into account how strongly the child was attached to his grandmother. If the connection was very strong and the loss will be just as shocking for the child, it is better to consider the option of someone who can sit with him during the funeral, and provide information about the death not directly, but like: “Grandma is now on the clouds and is now always watching us. She became our guardian angel."

How to cope with the death of your parents?

How to support loved ones who are also experiencing loss?

Many people find it difficult to find words that are appropriate. Here are the phrases cited by psychologist Sergei Shefov as an example of what you can say to a grieving person:

"How do you feel?" is an open question that gives the grieving person the opportunity to speak out.
“I'm sorry this happened” and “I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I feel this way with you” are ways to express your feelings.

Olga Shaveko

You and your loved ones may not be in the same stages of grief. For example, one person is in the stage of aggression and protests against what happened. And the other one is sad. And it seems to the first that the second doesn’t care at all and doesn’t support him. It is important to understand that you experience grief differently. You can seek support from people who are not affected by grief.

You can be there and allow emotions to show, ask what support is needed. Do not isolate a person from life, for example, if he feels the strength to go to work, support his decision.

It certainly doesn’t help to ignore the topic of loss and expect that after the funeral a person will live as before. Because then it will be difficult for the grieving person to cry and be sad next to you. He may brace himself to hide his emotions, but this will only increase the tension between you.

Religion is not the answer

A common misconception is the idea that religion provides comfort to the living and relieves the fear of death. Of course, it saves, but in a completely irrational way. Since no one in the world knows what will happen after the end of life, there are many versions of this. Religious ideas about hell and heaven are also a version, a popular one, but is it reliable? If you have been honoring your God since childhood (it doesn’t matter what religion you profess), then it is difficult for you to accept the idea that not a single clergyman knows what will happen to you after death. Why? Because no one has ever left here alive and no one has ever returned from there.

Hell in our imagination is depicted as a completely inhospitable place, and therefore death can be frightening for this reason. We are not asking you to give up your faith, but no faith should inspire fear. Therefore, there is another answer to the question of how to stop thinking about death. Give up the belief that after death you will have an inevitable choice between hell and heaven!

What if the family has small children? How can you avoid hurting them?

Candidate of Psychological Sciences Natalya Nozikova and educational psychologist Ekaterina Kolesnik argue that a child is more likely to experience grief without post-traumatic syndrome if he is allowed to show feelings. And also if there is a significant adult in his life who takes care of him.

Lena, 36 years old

When my mother died, my daughter was less than two months old. I wasn’t at the funeral, I couldn’t leave her with anyone. I think mom would understand. I don’t have an open gestalt about farewell.

I was constantly concerned about my daughter. I consoled myself with the thought that it was natural that we bury our parents. Mom lived a difficult life, buried two sons, but remained strong. I wanted to get support from her, I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t call her. Although I am 36 years old, it seems that before my mother died I was a child, and now I have become an adult.

Olga Shaveko

You can tell the child that his grandmother or mother has died, that now we will not see her, but we will remember her. You can take a child to a funeral, but don’t lead him if he doesn’t want to, don’t push him to take active action. It is important for a child, like an adult, to say goodbye to a loved one. The very presence at the funeral is not traumatic for him. A hysteria from an adult that he sees can frighten a child.

Younger children 3–5 years old see death as something reversible. From the age of 6, children understand that living things tend to die. You can build a conversation based on the child’s questions and his reaction.

If you feel that the child will have a hard time bearing the news of death, you can read fairy tales in which the characters lose someone close.

Often clients say: “How can I cry, because there are children nearby?” If a person does not bang his head against the wall, then children are able to withstand the tears of their parents. You can tell your child: “I’m sad that grandma is not around.” This is how we allow the child to feel. Children grieve too, but they may show it differently.

New story

This story began with the death of my mother. Can we say that it is over? Grief cannot be ordered, presented as a segment with a beginning, middle and end. The essence of grief is that, even after looking the pain in the face, you cannot ease it - you can only come to terms with it and learn to live with it. For twenty-five years my most beloved person was my mother. Now a new love story has begun for me. Maybe this is my happy ending? Hope. Although for me it's rather bittersweet.

I stood next to a friend at a wedding, where I was also invited as a pastry chef - this happens often lately. The newlyweds cut the cake that I had baked.

“Aren’t you sad to watch your beautiful cake being cut into pieces and eaten?” - asked my friend.

- Of course not! - I was horrified. - This is the most pleasant thing.

Based on materials from the book “I Can Handle It, Mom”

Cover from here

How long will it take to return to life?

It's difficult to make predictions because people deal with grief differently. In a Cambridge University study, many people describe the first 4-6 months after a loss as the peak of grief. The experience of grief does not end there, but after this period a person may feel more stable.

Olga Shaveko

For many clients, grieving takes 1.5–2 years.

You can understand that the grieving process has ended if the emotions become weaker. The feeling of pain and loss will roll in, but it will be more of sadness and regret, rather than hopeless grief.

There is a stereotype that only good things are remembered about those who have passed on. However, if the mother is remembered as unrealistically good, this may mean that the work of grief has not yet been done. When the grieving process is completed, the memories will be voluminous - both good and bad.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma); visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places; a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head; often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

When should you seek help?

In an article for the non-profit organization HelpGuide, they name signs when you need to seek help:

You feel that life is not worth living.
I would like to die with my mother.
Blame yourself for your mother's death.
For several weeks now you have not felt connected to others, as if you were separated from them.
You don't trust anyone after your mother's death.
You cannot carry out your daily activities.

You can also ask for help, even if you are coping: just to make yourself easier and more comfortable.

Olga Shaveko

The loss of a loved one in itself is a reason to seek help. A psychologist or psychotherapist creates a safe space for emotions to live.

I would definitely advise starting work in the following cases: 1. If mom left a long time ago, and the amplitude of emotions does not decrease. 2. If when talking about mom, tears appear, breathing becomes difficult, and it’s difficult to speak. 3. If the grieving process is not so long, but it takes you out of life completely, you cannot work or do household chores.

You can find a specialist on websites and social networks in communities of psychologists: the Gestalt approach, the cognitive approach, systemic family therapy are suitable.

If you don’t have the money for an expensive specialist, you can turn to master’s students. These are people at the last stage of education, they also go to personal therapy and supervision and can provide qualified assistance.

Don't Set a Time Limit on Your Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no set time limit for the process. The old saying “time heals all wounds” is not entirely accurate, but it is not entirely inaccurate either. No one can accurately answer the question of whether the wound after the loss of a mother will ever heal. The pain becomes more bearable over time. But how long should this take? No one can say for sure. Don't try to speed up this process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept your loss.

Sooner or later, however, you will come to an understanding of how to learn to live after the death of your mother. It usually comes spontaneously. After months or even years of depression, you suddenly wake up one day with the full understanding that you need to move on, that you want this more than anything in the world. That your mother would really like this too. After this you will feel much easier.

How to survive a day full of sad memories

Here's what psychologists advise to get through such a difficult day:

Don't suppress sadness or memories. Whether or not you had a positive relationship with your mother, it was probably the deepest relationship of your life. The deep emotions caused by her death are completely normal and there is nothing scary about them. People often run from strong feelings because they are afraid of being trapped. Don't run from grief, but try not to wear it like a stuffy blanket. Your ability to grieve also shows your ability to love.
Share your feelings with those you care about, such as your spouse, friends and family. Your brothers and sisters will be most affected by your emotions regarding your common mother.
Don't torture yourself with triggers that you know will cause pain. In other words, stay away from the surefire “instigators” of grief. These triggers include looking at Mother's Day cards, looking through Facebook or Instagram at all the photos of happy families, and going to restaurants during the busy family holidays. Analyze which moments without your mother make you grieve the most. Maybe you used to always go to the pool or to the theater together. Try to avoid such situations alone: invite friends or relatives with you.
Continue to make plans for each day. Don't spend the day with your head under the covers, avoiding the world. Change your usual schedule and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mother on Saturdays, sign up for aerobics classes at this time, for example.
Treat yourself to self-compassion and acceptance of your sad situation. If you choose to spend time alone, practice self-care, such as cooking something instead of devoting your day to junk food and watching sad movies. Nourish your body and soul with good, healthy food and exercise. Listen to some meditation tapes, focus on work, or look at old photos or videos that bring back good memories. Read an incredible book whose hero you would like to be.
The point is to do what you enjoy, not what will make your loss worse. Maybe you can go hiking or travel to some place that warms your soul. Have a backup plan if you decide you don't want to be alone. Arrange in advance for a friend or family member to accompany you.
Do something to honor your mother. This can take many forms. For example, you can make a charitable contribution in her name to organizations such as Save the Children, Develop Africa, or any non-profit organization that cares about people. Overcoming your laziness (or greed) and doing something for others in need is a wonderful way to honor your mother and help yourself feel better.
Another helpful idea, especially for the first Mother's Day without your beloved parent, is to get together with your family and share your stories - try to keep the stories funny and positive!
Create new traditions. While your mother was alive, there must have been some traditions associated with her in your family. Now that she's gone, you can create new traditions to make the day special.

Quiet activities are important too!

It is important to do something calm after the death of your mother. For example, you can keep a diary. In it you will write down your thoughts as you worry, as a result of which it will be easier for you to accept the fact that your mother has died.

You can also do meditation and yoga. These activities help free your mind and body from bad thoughts. It is also useful to be in the sun during this period. Sunlight and fresh air will never be unnecessary.

Reading is a great activity to take your mind off things. You can re-read books that you like. They will help you to be comforted. You can start reading educational literature, thanks to it you can learn something or learn something new.

Music also has a positive effect on the human condition. Listen to calm songs, but it’s better to avoid loud ones for a while.

And, probably, the best way to distract yourself is to help your neighbors. For example, you can buy groceries for your grandmother neighbor or clean the apartment. It is possible that an animal needs help on the street. Don't pass by, save him! Any option to help your neighbor will help your soul survive grief.

Pay attention to your physical condition

Simple advice to those whose mother has died: listen to yourself. Instead of delving into suffering, it is better to think about your own health.

Some begin to drown their grief in alcohol, others refuse to eat, and others become addicted to energy drinks. A month of living like this is enough to significantly undermine your health.

First of all, you should refrain from drinking alcohol after the death of your mother. Mom passed away, but would she want her son or daughter to destroy themselves through the green snake? The answer is obvious, a mother did not give birth to her children so that they would drown their grief in wine.

Excessive consumption of energy drinks will lead to heart problems and sleep disturbances. The person becomes irritable, aggressive, and nightmares are possible. In rare cases, it comes to visual hallucinations. But does a healthy, perhaps married, person need it... Hardly.

The gym is a very good distraction from sad thoughts. If the orphan has never been there, now is the time to sign up for classes. A person will maintain not only physical, but also moral condition through exercise.

Smile and live your life

At some point after your mother's death, you will find reasons to smile again. This is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our moms and the love we have for them. Find the joy of life again. Laugh heartily. Love those around you just as deeply as before. Live the way your mother would have wanted.

On those days when you just miss her, don't fight it. Allow yourself to grieve. Your mother deserves to be remembered. But she also deserves to be let go.

Remember your mom

This subtitle, of course, sounds somewhat ridiculous. Of course you will remember your mother. She was your mother! But that's not what this is about. It's about remembering what kind of person she was and constantly consulting her in your thoughts.

People who lost their mother spent months remembering her as a perfect person who was by far the greatest mother who ever walked the earth. Mom was a wonderful person, but let's face it, she was just a person! A few months after you decide to move on, you may have memories of the real mother you grew up with. She probably wasn't perfect, and you didn't always get along. She could be unfair to you quite often, and you were not always patient with her. Most likely, she herself would not have liked the posthumous idealization, because she perfectly understood what kind of person she was. By thinking about this, over time you will understand how to accept your mother's death.

Yes, remembering bad times is not always easy. Regret may rear its ugly head, rearing up in your soul and polluting it with its foul vibes, but now there is nothing you can do about it. You can't push it away because, like grief, it will find you. As they say, it is what it is. Your mother knew that you loved her very much, and you knew that this love was mutual. You probably didn't have a perfect relationship, but you ended up being there for her. You watched her take her last breath, just as she watched you take your first. She was your mother. Good, bad or absolutely ugly... She was your mother, and you loved her.

How to live if a loved one has died? Advice from psychologists

What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.

Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.

If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.

Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.