Every day we are surrounded by many people, some we meet on the way to work, some are our neighbors, some are relatives or friends, and all these people are so different and dissimilar from each other, each has their own character and temperament. , as well as features of social activity. There are extroverts who are open to communication and introverts who are more comfortable being alone with themselves, but there are also closed people who became so not because of their temperament, but for some special reasons. In this article we will look at what human isolation is, how it manifests itself, and why it arises. You will also know how you can overcome your isolation.
Definition
Closedness means fenced off, remoteness of an object or group from society. It arises under the influence of temperament, a characteristic tendency to be more interested in oneself than in the world around us. Or due to external factors: low status of the environment, persistent dissatisfaction of psychophysiological or social needs. Because of this, anger develops, which is why sometimes closed people are quite aggressive.
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Do not confuse closedness and agnosia; detachment from the world is not a disease.
Agnosia is a problem with vision, hearing, or speech during normal functioning of the body.
Closed groups can be large or small. Large closed communities are studied in separate branches of psychology (ethnic, political), since they mainly include tribes living separately. Psychological science as such studies small groups.
Psychology divides small closed communities into four types.
- Groups closed under duress, due to prevailing circumstances, and not of their own free will (lost tourists or survivors of a shipwreck).
- Groups isolated by society not of their own free will (prisoners, soldiers, orphans, patients undergoing compulsory treatment).
- Groups that are closed voluntarily, but under the influence of circumstances (living remotely, but calmly accepting it, or monks who, of their own free will, become hermits due to their religion).
- Interest groups that are closed due to obvious distinctive features from society (pupils of elite schools or colleges, astronauts, geologists or sailors).
Despite the factorial differences, the four types of groups are united by the inviolability of boundaries and an authoritative structure. In each of the communities it is clearly defined: who is the manager and who is the subordinate. Unchangeable rigidity is formed by the group's habitat.
The main contribution to the study of the definition of “closedness” was made by Erik Homburger Erikson. He identified two overriding principles: integrity and totality. Where integrity is a positive quality of society. Totality is a negative characteristic due to absolute isolation. As an example, the concept of “totalitarian regime” is suitable, which implies the protection of a group from the outside world.
The inviolability of the boundaries of totally closed groups leads to a lack of development of their members, a clear opposition of the community to the outside world, which is why, over time, conflicts arise within and the community disintegrates.
The indicated characteristics of the closedness of the group are projected onto the individual. Only a community is closed because of its participants, and a person is closed because of his character, temperament, and social attitudes. The latter include:
- the human essence is anger; for people to be good, they must be kept under control;
- Respect and control can only be achieved through force and punishment;
- only a person with power knows how to live;
- There is always someone who knows better what the other needs.
The more a person is closed from society, the higher the level of reluctance to change. A social psychologist, at the request of an introvert, corrects the psyche, accompanies and supports his changes. Forced treatment leads to more serious problems.
Types of closedness of a person
There are two types of closedness, which are very similar in appearance. With a detailed study and long-term acquaintance, it is possible to accurately determine the diagnosis of what type of closed person is: habitually closed or neurotically closed.
A habitually private person does not experience discomfort due to the condition. He was brought up that way; closedness is a natural psychological position.
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A neurotically closed person experiences mental torment and closes down due to psychological breakdowns.
He is protected from the outside world after severe mental pain.
Mental loneliness leads to the same consequences as loneliness in nature: the habit of withdrawing into oneself develops a sensitivity that allows you to notice the slightest shades in people’s behavior, just as in the midst of complete silence you catch even a barely noticeable rustle.
Honore de Balzac
Signs
A person prone to closeness can be identified by a number of external and internal signs. Keeps his hands in his pockets as a sign of mistrust and a desire to protect himself from an unfamiliar environment. The head is slightly lowered - the person is not confident in himself and wants to remain inconspicuous. And his gaze is lowered to the floor (especially during a conversation), because he, consciously or not, is afraid to experience new, unknown feelings.
The main signs of closure include:
- Cowardice is fear of the new and unusual, of taking the first step, of asking a question. Introverts are unfamiliar with courage and are wary of anything outside their comfort zone.
- Hypersensitivity to criticism - it is perceived too painfully.
- Excessive shyness and timidity.
- Pathological fear of expressing uncontrollable physical manifestations in public due to fear of ridicule (blushing, sweating, passing gas).
- Difficulties with communication - arise due to the persistent belief of introverts that they do not know how to find a common language, or this is due to the fear of being ridiculed or misunderstood.
- Fear of being the center of attention due to shyness.
- Inability to take responsibility - reluctance to initiate is associated with the fear of failure of the idea.
- Inability to emote. Sometimes introverts seem cold; in fact, they are simply afraid to show emotions even among close and good friends.
- A small social circle means fear of making new acquaintances.
- Excessive seriousness is sometimes perceived as thoughtfulness.
- Greed is the reluctance to share with others as a result of isolation.
Due to character and temperament, not all signs may appear at the same time. You shouldn’t put pressure on an introvert or try to correct him yourself, such actions are repulsive.
Be a little more persistent
If you want to make friends with someone, don’t be afraid to take a risk and take the first step, write, start a conversation.
Sofia Dembling
author of books about introverts
What seems intrusive to you may seem friendly to others. Our sensitivity can work for us or against us. Don't be so sensitive that you're afraid to take risks. Be sensitive enough to know whether to step aside.
And don’t be afraid of awkwardness in communication if it arises at first. It does not describe you or the other person in any way. That's just what happens at the beginning of a friendship.
Causes
Closedness can manifest itself at any age due to various factors. The main reasons that provoke a person’s unsociability:
- Under the influence of your own temperament. Phlegmatic or melancholic children are more interested in being in their own world.
- The teenager failed to complete the task due to conflict or misunderstanding among peers. The result is frustration and a storm of negative emotions. Together with the indifferent attitude of the parents, they push the child to close down and try to prevent the situation from repeating itself.
- Due to not receiving proper parental attention and care in childhood, the child withdraws from society with the idea that no one will ever need him.
- Children brought up in a dysfunctional family necessarily become closed. This involves devaluing their performance, no matter how well they did. As a result, fear, shame, and guilt are formed due to any action.
- In adulthood, closedness is formed due to a traumatic event. After the betrayal of a loved one or close friend, a natural decision arises to protect oneself from a similar situation in the future. Women, after their husband’s betrayal, are unable to trust other men due to a painful condition. Such people may well deceive themselves, thinking that they no longer need anyone. In fact, they unconsciously hide behind feigned indifference, because it is easier to devalue the importance of others than to recognize and overcome their own pain.
The list of traumatic causes can be endless; they all affect a person’s mental health to varying degrees.
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Use your strengths
Other people may like your character traits, behavioral characteristics, and skills. Take advantage of this.
Study yourself, find out what you are good at. For example, you may be a great listener, compassionate and empathetic, and your friends may rely on you for support and ability to keep secrets.
Your unique qualities may appeal to another introvert who recognizes you as a congenial person, or they may complement the opposite traits of an extrovert.
Psychological portrait of a closed person
When introverts find themselves in an unfamiliar society, they behave aloof. They are not the first to introduce themselves, and when someone approaches them they become nervous or behave repulsively.
They feel uncomfortable among a large number of people, so you won’t see them at city events or in shopping centers during sales.
They tend to worry excessively on the eve of an important event. Think through a thousand and one possible scenarios in order to calm down and feel as prepared as possible.
They don’t immediately let strangers in, they need a lot of time to trust. But, in relation to those who become close, they behave honestly and value communication.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
To physically and morally restore a closed personality, you need to be alone with yourself, without doing anything. In moments of relaxation, you should not violate the personal boundaries of an introvert. The balance between solitude and communication is important to him.
Closed people will not answer a call or message if they are busy. And they tend to plan every activity and action carefully, otherwise they experience discomfort.
A smart person will first of all strive to avoid any grief, to obtain peace and leisure; he will look for a quiet, modest life, in which he would not be bothered, and therefore, with some acquaintance with so-called people, he will choose a secluded life, and with great intelligence - complete solitude.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Closedness of a woman
In representatives of the opposite sexes, withdrawal manifests itself differently.
In women, closeness is characterized by:
- Dreaminess. Girls imagine an ideal, understanding, caring man and strive to find him. But they are afraid of relationships, so winning their heart is a difficult task.
- Sensitivity. Closed women do not show emotions for various reasons. Due to her parents' prohibitions, the girl did not learn to show emotions. Or in adolescence, a girl decided to confess her feelings to a boy, but he refused her or made fun of her in front of his friends. As a result, she developed a complex, a fear of being misunderstood, difficulties with description and expression of emotions. An obsessive thought arises that the pain will recur if she shows feelings.
- Restraint. The opinions of others are important to them. For fear of offending the interlocutor, they tend to listen carefully and remain silent more.
- Feigned disinterest. A woman wants a relationship with the opposite sex, but is afraid. Sometimes he stops communication at the stage of close acquaintance, when the man opens up and talks about himself. She understands that she also needs to share information about her personality, but because she is not sure, she is afraid of being misunderstood and leaves.
- Inability to conflict. Closed women worry about peace, it is important for them to feel safe, so they avoid conflict situations.
- Irresponsibility. Fear of responsibility due to lack of self-confidence. It’s easier for her to blame someone else for her mistakes and make fun of her than to accept criticism and draw conclusions.
- Narcissism, manipulativeness. The girl is used to living in her own world: she cares only about herself, putting her own interests above those of others. For the sake of a feeling of security, she tends to manipulate people. If a woman knows that a man will do what she needs, then she will be sure that he will not try to “get into” her inner world.
- Tendency to frivolous relationships. Frequently changing sexual partners is normal for an emotionally closed woman. She shares the concepts of love and sex. Because of fear and inability to build long-term relationships, it is easier for a girl to spend one night with a guy and never see each other.
If a woman’s closeness is not related to painful events of the past, she can easily change. Having met a worthy life partner, he will be able to open up and feel more confident.
Don't blame yourself for all your sins
Not receiving enough emotional feedback from a man, we often begin to look for the problem in ourselves. If this sounds familiar to you, then consider the fact that it is no one's fault that women and men have different emotional states. If your partner is closed in on himself, this is only because nature created him that way.
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Try to find a good quality in your man that makes him different from you, and find the same quality in yourself. This way you will understand that there are advantages in both you and your lover.
Closedness of a man
Closed men, like women, are more occupied with their inner world.
But among representatives of the stronger sex, closedness manifests itself in other ways.
- Thoughtfulness. For a closed man, it is important to be prepared for any development of events. Especially if a serious event is to take place in the near future.
- Weightedness. He does not make rash decisions, does not like to chat in vain, spontaneity is not his strong point. The tendency to overthink everything can make communication seem tense.
- Detachment. A closed man does not need frequent communication; he feels calmer and more confident when alone with himself. Does not like noisy places and large crowds of people, prefers to relax in a calm, quiet place.
- The tendency to take everything to heart. If an unpleasant situation has occurred in his life, he will think about what happened for a long time. Replay events and worry about their impact on the future.
- Fantasizing. Constantly being inside yourself develops imagination. His tendency to daydream may make him feel like he can't hear.
- Self-control. Because of total control, it may seem that a man is insensitive, but in fact he is used to keeping everything inside. The reasons may be different: events of the past, due to which the fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or he has become accustomed to this since childhood.
- Conservative. A private man is unlikely to like a depraved girl in an overly tight dress with bright makeup.
- Taciturnity. He will never throw words to the wind, but will prove his opinion and feelings with actions. You shouldn’t wait or be offended if a guy doesn’t constantly repeat “I love you.”
A closed man can push a girl away with his secrecy and reluctance to immediately let her into his inner world. In fact, he is more capable of monogamous, long-term relationships.
Women, among other things, complained about his isolation. He preferred to read rather than listen.
John Irving
Take a closer look at people you already know
You don't have to look for friends among strangers. The author of books about introverts, Sophia Dembling, suggests First, Leave the House: Strategies for Making New Friends / Psychology Today to pay attention to those around you: some of them may turn out to be interesting people with similar hobbies and views on life.
Maybe your colleague loves the same music as you and would be happy to join you at a concert. Or he reads just as much and is ready to share his collection of interesting books. Or maybe your former classmate is actually an interesting girl with whom you can talk about everything in the world? Look closely at people!
How to help a closed person
It is quite difficult to help people who are not accustomed to openness, but it is possible. It doesn’t matter what type of person he is (neurotically or habitually closed), you should not try to force him to open up. If she feels pressure, she will most likely begin to resist and defend herself even more.
If you don’t put pressure on an introvert, treat him warmly and sincerely, he will gradually begin to open up and trust more. The main thing is to be aware of full responsibility and not to offend or offend in any way. Especially if the closeness is provoked by traumatic events, otherwise you can do even more harm.
Another good way to help is to introduce your group to friends. You just can’t force him to take active actions; at the beginning of the acquaintance, you should let him be a little away. When he feels safe, he himself will begin to do things that he would not have dared to do before.
Difficulties can arise if, in addition to closedness, there are several negative qualities: selfishness, cruelty, aggressiveness. Sometimes people exist in their own world because they do not know how to behave in society. Then you will have to not only help them open up, but also teach them etiquette. There is no guarantee that he will react normally to attempts to help. To preserve your own emotional health, it is probably better not to bother such a person.
Get into the routine of friendship
Many introverts like routine, so don't be afraid to ask friends to meet once a week at a certain time. For example, to have lunch on Saturday at your favorite restaurant or take a walk in the park on Tuesday after work.
Jenn Granneman
author of the book “The Secret Life of Introverts. The art of surviving in the “loud” world of extroverts”
When we know what to expect, we feel more comfortable and spend less energy. In addition, this way you won’t have to come up with something new and interesting every time you get together.
How to communicate with a closed person
A sincere, kind attitude will help an introverted person begin to trust.
To build good, friendly communication with her, it is advisable to follow a few tips.
- You cannot suddenly and unexpectedly violate the personal space of a closed person. It is important to discuss the future meeting in advance so that he can mentally prepare for it.
- Do not insist on an immediate answer, because after hearing the question, the introvert will think about it for some time.
- You should not interrupt in conversation. He may get the impression that they are not interested in him, he will become silent and withdraw into himself even more.
- Closed people are vulnerable, but are not used to showing their feelings, so you may not notice that they are offended.
- You can’t be false if you want to talk about frank topics. Introverts will sense a lie, and then it will be very difficult to earn their trust.
- Sometimes you need to give them a break from active communication: a silent break or a conversation by correspondence.
Due to the circumstances that led to isolation from society, closed people are more reliable. If you learn to communicate with a certain person, you can count on making a great new friend.
Don't give all your time to your partner
Does your man regularly go to the gym, meet friends in bars, or go to training sessions? Are you all preparing goodies to show how much you love him and at least see some emotions on his face? Stop! Urgently go to a beauty salon, fitness, or go shopping. A new hairstyle, a beautiful manicure and new clothes in your wardrobe will make you more attractive.
As a rule, a man is not interested in showing attention to a woman who devotes all her time only to him. Usually they are more impressed by those ladies who are self-sufficient and know how to pamper themselves without the participation of a man.
When you have applied the above ideas in your life, but nothing has changed on your partner’s side, and he is still closed in on himself, you can think about it. Perhaps you really should leave him and go in search of a better partner who will help you feel like a real woman? But you shouldn’t give up everything if after the first day of your efforts your partner has not become closer to you. After all, everyone has situations when they need to withdraw into themselves. Be loved, and let your man open his feelings to you, and you simply decorate his life.
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