Being alone certainly means being free to move around, planning your day or vacation just the way you want it, and waking up at five o’clock in the evening (or five o’clock in the morning) if you want. But people most often do not think about these “advantages”, preferring to suffer to the last.
Of course, society, parents, and, perhaps, some complexes push us to such a perception. You should get rid of all this immediately. If you want to be free, be. If you want to be in a relationship, but have not yet found a partner, do not slip into depression, because there are quite a lot of positive aspects in your current situation.
Being single is not a curse. And with the right approach - pleasure.
Still from the TV series “How I Met Your Mother”
Many people are afraid of loneliness, and it is not difficult to understand. Popular culture constantly tells us that being single is bad, and that if you don't have a partner, then there's something wrong with you, that you're unattractive, unstable, or weird.
And many singles are as hard on themselves as pop culture. If you've been single for a while or have just gotten out of a relationship, being the only single person in a group of friends can be scary, with the prospect of a lonely, boring life looming on the horizon...
But we have good news for you: all these assumptions are completely wrong. Instead of filling your loneliness with moping, crying, or desperately searching for a new relationship, why not enjoy the many benefits of being single for a while?
This is just the beginning of the list of reasons why being single is cool, and the cool thing is that when you understand and feel it, you will definitely add a few more points (a lot).
Good sex in large quantities
Contrary to all expectations, when we are in a relationship, we have significantly less sex than when we are “single.” According to recent studies, the average couple has less than six sexual contacts per month. The figure is far from ideal, right? But in our free time from relationships, most of us have more than enough sex.
In any bar, club, fitness club, or even walking in the park, we meet thousands of potential partners, and continuation depends solely on our courage. Is it dangerous? Yes. Should you remember about safe sex? Definitely. But we bet 100% that such sex will be unforgettable.
Flirt as much as you want and don't feel guilty
If you're single, why not take advantage of your single status and, instead of jumping straight into a new relationship (without thinking too much about who exactly), just enjoy some shameless flirting for a while?
Now is the time to play a little and take the time to find out what you want in your potential partner. We're not talking about finding an end to your loneliness. And we’re also not talking about looking for one night stand options every evening if you don’t need it.
No - we are talking about a kind of “reconnaissance” to find out as much as possible about what you like in girls. Interact with a lot of new people and pay attention to the traits of appearance, character and behavior that you like, as well as those that infuriate you. Be honest with yourself and the results may surprise you.
By the way, this is great for breaking the cycle of bad relationships. Sometimes we keep going back to a certain type of person because their type is familiar to us, but when you take the time to get to know new girls and flirt with them, you may suddenly find that your preferences have changed or become broader.
How to love your loneliness
Even if you are not single at heart and without a romantic relationship you do not feel like you are living life to the fullest, loneliness does not have to weigh on you. Treat it as an opportunity - and then you will be happier even before the right person appears nearby. Here are some perks of living without a partner that will help with that.
Personal growth.
Without relationships, you are more likely to learn, try new things, build a career. A five-year study of the relationship between marital status and psychological well-being revealed such a pattern. When it came to personal growth, people who were single throughout the study were more likely to agree with the statement: “For me, life has been a continuous process of learning, changing and growing.” Married people, on the other hand, tended to respond like this: “I have long given up trying to make big improvements or changes in my life.”
Freedom.
Solitude gives freedom. And this is not just a common phrase. Many stories told by single people end with the phrase, “I couldn’t do this if I were married.” For the sake of relationships, people give up their dream job, hobbies and friends, stay in a city where they don’t want to live, or, conversely, leave the place they love to be with someone.
Personal space.
The pandemic, isolation and the increased number of divorces against its background have shown: it is not so easy to love a person if he is nearby 24/7. Personal space is so necessary that some couples live separately, even if they are married and have children. Additionally, people sleep better when they sleep alone. So maybe living alone isn't so bad?
You will make more new friends (and relationships with old ones will become stronger)
Often single people have more friends than those in relationships. And it's not hard to believe: couples spend a lot of time together, and therefore have less time to develop their other social relationships.
But having more friends can be just as good as being in a relationship—and sometimes, it can be even better. Many (both girls and boys) tend to see a romantic partner as “our everything” and expect love, sympathy, support and many other necessary things from this person.
But in fact, it’s healthier to put it all not on one person, but on several. Being single gives you the time and opportunity to cultivate your relationships and friendships. By giving them more time than usual (without becoming intrusive), you can create a strong group of friends you can rely on.
Loneliness (in the sense of not having a girlfriend) does not necessarily mean complete loneliness. Use this time to make new friends and get closer to old ones - believe me, in this case you simply will not be able to feel abandoned and abandoned by everyone.
This is a great time to get maximum pleasure
You should not consider the period of loneliness as something depressing and even disgusting. You should start enjoying it. There is no need for depression, you deserve to pamper yourself, buy yourself gifts, agree to all sorts of adventures and, ultimately, challenge yourself. After all, there is nothing good in feeling incomplete without a partner. Consider this period as a time for your own pleasures. After all, no one knows if you will ever have this opportunity again.
You can find out who you are (and we're not kidding)
If you're single, one of the worst things you can do is use all your time to frantically search for a new relationship, not because you want to, but because "it's the right thing to do." Instead, use this break to find out who you really are: what you want as an individual, what you like and what you don’t, and most importantly, are you comfortable being alone, are you interested in an open relationship, a romantic connection, or do you feel that you are ready to start a family because you personally need it, and not “it’s necessary”?
Never discount the power and positive aspects of being single. This can be not only a time of life “just for yourself,” but also the best period for self-development and independent making of important decisions that will take your life in the direction that you have chosen.
- Author: Maria Minaeva
Why is being single better?i
The first reason may perhaps be obvious. Lonely people have more contact with other people, their social circle is not limited, and they are integrated into society. If you are not in a serious relationship, you have the right to independently determine your social circle.
Communication (whether romantic or friendly) is an integral part of human needs. Business Insider quotes psychology professor William Chopik, who in a statement supporting this fact writes that "a few really good friends can change the world by improving our health and well-being." So, yes, communicating with buddies or friends makes us better.
The reason for loneliness is infantility
Sometimes an adult continues to remain in the state of a child. He is not ready to take responsibility for relationships and family, so he is afraid and avoids new meetings and acquaintances.
A typical situation is when a woman “adopts” her husband. She cooks for him, earns money, and he sits at home and plays computer games. The woman in this situation performs the function of a mother, and there are many such families.
Infantile people are not ready to create healthy relationships. They need to mature psychologically before they can take responsibility for the family. Otherwise, they will find a parent in the person of a wife or husband.
I can't communicate
“From a very early age, I lived with my mother and grandmother,” says Olga (32 years old). “My mother and grandmother rarely invited guests. At the moment I feel good being alone. At the same time, I have a desire to communicate with other people, but I don’t understand how I can organize this.”
Psychotherapists believe that it is important to learn how to communicate correctly. But you need to be aware of something else. Of course, man is a social being, but man is alone when he is born and dies. Our life begins from the age of a baby, and at this time we feel our loneliness. And when we have already grown up, from time to time we need loneliness in order to feel our own integrity.
Why loneliness is normal: does everyone need a relationship?
For some reason, a “single” who does not have a partner or a strong desire to have one is considered abnormal and can only be pitied. The right person supposedly cannot live without a relationship. However, this is not true: loneliness is more than normal, and here's why.
However, some people elevate relationships to the status of a kind of cult, believing that without them the life of a normal person is impossible: those who, by the will of fate, cannot find a partner should be pitied, and those who do not consciously want one can only be called mentally incompetent - there are no other options.
Of course, reality is far from such ideas about relationships. In the past, this bias towards relationships was understandable, since much more importance and emphasis was placed on marriage and family, which were then the almost inevitable conclusion of any relationship, than today. In the modern world, loneliness is more than the norm, and this is not difficult to prove.
Injury
The tendency towards constant solitude may well be due to the fact that a person is traumatized by memories alone. For example, take 36-year-old Ruslan, who has stuttered since early childhood, this is what he says. “I wanted to find a real friend,” says Ruslan, “but I had a flaw, and it made me not as popular as others, especially at school. Then for some reason I decided that I don’t need insincere relationships, and I can respect myself anyway.”
The man even received an education and became a very sought-after specialist, but if we talk about his social circle, it is still not that large. “The fact is that he had an unsuccessful first experience of communication, he was humiliated. Ruslan harbors a grudge, which causes strong distrust and a desire to isolate himself from others, says the psychologist. “At this stage it is much easier for him to lead the life of a recluse than to try to find a common language with those around him.”
How does autophobia arise?
Scientists have long considered loneliness a problem for modern people. To understand what autophobia is, you need to look at its origins. The fear of loneliness, according to psychologists, originates in early childhood, like many other social phobias, especially for people who suffered from lack of attention in childhood. The complex is inherited when a child curries favor with his parents, trying to earn their trust and approval. Having matured, he tries to show others how good and diligent he is, while losing contact with himself. Fear of loneliness, physical violence, darkness - these are 3 innate fears. They are cleaned by their mother until they are 3 years old. It seems to the child that the whole world revolves around him. When mom or dad leaves the center for some time, the child lacks full-fledged care, he is helpless and alone.
Autophobia appears under stressful circumstances, for example:
- after the loss of a loved one;
- due to separation from a loved one;
- on the verge of old age;
- In young age.
Fear is deceptive, because a person can never be alone while living in society. The mechanism of its appearance is in many ways similar to how autophobia arises in childhood, but each age has its own characteristics. If in older people it arises as a result of the loss of deep contacts, then youth fear is associated with the uncertainty of finding a partner and intimacy. You need to be able to find communication, contacts, learn to open up to people when the loss of loved ones occurs.
Research and facts
Here are some interesting conclusions from experts regarding the causes of the development of autophobia and the category of people who tend to experience fear of loneliness:
- Young people who do not have the opportunity to be among friends endure forced seclusion worst of all, especially in the evening.
- Men suffer more severely from loneliness in general than the fairer sex.
- There are many times more lonely people in megacities than among provincial residents.
- Women tend to cultivate fear due to lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, after a breakup with a man or because of his death.
Insomnia is a consequence of loneliness. People who lack daytime communication sleep poorly. It has been proven that single people have a higher risk of developing dementia; 2/3 of them are women. Loneliness directly causes pain. Californian scientists have conducted studies that have found a connection between the feeling of being cut off from society and brain activity in those parts where reactions to physical pain occur. The origins of this reaction lie in the development of human civilization. The ancestors gathered in groups to survive; modern man, left alone, fears for his life. The fear of loneliness remained as an atavism. Loneliness served as a punishment for crimes and misdeeds. Outside the city, a person died, finding himself alone with wild nature.
It has also been proven that single people have an increased stress hormone, which develops severe depressive states. On a physiological level, they feel the cold more strongly. Among autophobes, the largest number of suicide episodes is recorded.
Fears make life quite difficult, but with hard work on yourself and cooperation with a psychologist, you can regain a sense of confidence. Considering all of the above features of the condition, there is only one conclusion - you should not be afraid of loneliness. It should be voluntary, then the need for the question of how to deal with the fear of loneliness will automatically disappear?
Ideal mom
Edward Hopper, “The Automatic Cafe,” 1927. Photo from the site Photo from the site poetree.ru
There is no permanent telepathic understanding in adult life. This only happens in infancy, when as soon as you feel somehow bad and scream, your mother will come right away, understand whether your stomach hurts, or you haven’t eaten for a long time, or you’re cold, and she will help, feed, cover, will do an enema, take her in my arms...
“I want to be held in their arms,” write my forty-something-year-old friends, and I’m scared to see this, because even those whom they once carried in their arms have already grown taller than their mothers and speak in a deep voice.
“I want vodka in my arms,” the eighty-kilogram child with gray hair still hasn’t figured out whether he wants to eat or poop – and he keeps hoping that the ideal mother will hear, come, and definitely find it.
This doesn’t happen in adult life – to be picked up and understood with a sixth sense – you were offended at work or you want to sleep. We are all looking for the perfect mom partner. An absolutely terrible adult feeling is to understand that there is no ideal mother, no one will take you in your arms, you are alone and will always be alone, until the end of your days.
Your loved one may leave you or before you, your children will grow up and go into adulthood - and you will be left alone with yourself. “Just know how to live with yourself - there is a whole world in your soul.”
Neither love, nor children, nor family - all this is not the content of life. If your life has its own content, you can cope with loneliness.
Loneliness is attached to the concept of “person”. Loneliness is part of our human nature; The dream of absolute understanding, an absolutely dear soul is akin to the dream of a lost paradise and a carefree, happy childhood.
What to do?
Try not to avoid people. Moreover, try to take the initiative, especially in finding new acquaintances. Take the first step yourself, try to communicate with those you like. Be sure to help those who ask you to help. Share something with those around you, for example, give a new book to colleagues at work.
It is understandable that you feel fear of others, and this is what constantly makes us feel like a victim of other people's opinions. To avoid worrying about who is saying what about you, be more interested in others. You can ask them questions. When fear arises, you don't have to hide from view. You need to learn to appreciate your surroundings, so you will feel that they are interested in you.
