Anger is a feeling that we often do not allow ourselves to experience. Indeed, how can you be angry with your mother, especially if you are already an adult woman, and she is elderly. And most importantly - why do this? Is there any meaning to expressing anger?
Being angry at your mother, the woman who gave you life and bandaged your broken knees, can seem difficult. It is especially difficult to feel angry if you are convinced that she tried or that she really loved you, even if she was not able to show it in a way that would allow you to feel that love.
It is important to remember that anger is not an end in itself or a place where you will necessarily stay forever; it's just part of the healing process.
If you are still trying to get something from your mother (love, respect, recognition, communication...) and you avoid upsetting her, you will be afraid to admit even to yourself that you are angry.
If you must maintain a self-image that excludes anger, you also need to stay away from this emotion.
But if you want to protect your wounded inner child, if you want to create the opportunity to feel something that was previously too scary to feel, if you want to release that feeling (instead of subconsciously dwelling on it), you will need to give yourself permission to feel anger.
You have the right to be angry. Why is it important to release anger?
Your anger towards your mother has a very early origin, as does the habit of turning off your anger. The pioneer of attachment theory, John Bowlby, said that anger is a natural reaction to a situation when a child’s need for attachment is not met. When a child feels that anger only leads to the mother moving away from him even more, the child learns to turn it off.
And here two styles of insecure attachment come to the fore. People with an avoidant, self-sufficient attachment style tend to suppress or hide their anger and believe that it can only harm the relationship. Adherents of the ambivalent, preoccupied style have learned to use their anger to gain the attention of another person.
Already from childhood, we can use anger in the same way as we do in adulthood to push a person away or break up with him. Thus, anger helps to develop. It helps you gain your own experience, which sometimes differs from the family myth.
It is important to understand that you have the right to be angry, and just because you feel angry does not mean that you are a bad or generally angry person. Anger signals that something is wrong. Anger is a healthy reaction to violence that is built into us if we have not suppressed it.
You need to stop being afraid of anger and understand that it is not dangerous in itself. An unhealthy relationship with him is dangerous. Anger controls us when we throw it out indiscriminately and cannot contain it soberly. Anger can be one of the causes of tragedy if a person who has suppressed it for many years reaches a turning point and becomes violent.
In such situations, anger is dangerous. A different, pure anger, on the contrary, helps to build relationships without humiliating, but still showing respect and bringing more honesty into them.
We show healthy anger, for example, when we are insulted or treated disrespectfully. Anger communicates that this is wrong. This is its purpose - to erect the necessary boundaries.
Likewise, it is important to release the anger stored in your body. Anger that you could suppress before you even felt it. This may even include the rage you experienced as a baby or toddler. I am convinced that this anger can be processed and released through skillful feeling or expression. It is safest to engage in this release under the guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.
Five rules for removing aggression. How to get rid of anger?
But, nevertheless, we are all human, and we tend to get angry. Aggressiveness is inherent in us by nature itself and, every time we suppress it, we direct our own strength against ourselves.
The accumulated energy of anger and anger destroys us from the inside, causing illness, fatigue and depression.
So how is it possible to get rid of anger, free yourself from accumulated grievances and negative emotions? Do you really need to give vent to your anger? But it is precisely from such outbreaks of aggression that the people closest and dearest to you can suffer...
Some people try to get rid of indignation on their own, and they try so hard that they sink even deeper into it. It would seem like a paradox: everything is clear, it’s impossible, without anger it will be better and easier, but the more you pronounce the formula “calm down” to yourself, the more angry you become.
To calm down and adequately respond to a certain critical situation, psychologists advise counting to ten. I think that many have heard about this method. But! This method helps some, but for others it does exactly the opposite. Gradually approaching “ten”, such people simply “loose their chains”, saying later that before the counting began they were much calmer.
The success of a response to a problem depends on the rapid release of negative emotions. The faster the better. And we often restrain ourselves, pushing resentment and anger deeper into our hearts. But after a while, these emotions come out with renewed vigor. That is why we are exhausted both physically and psychologically. But this does not mean at all that you need to break down, take revenge and destroy the offenders. In no case. You need to be able to release anger in alternative and harmless ways.
Here are some useful tips for relieving negative emotions: anger, irritability, aggression.
Give free rein to your feelings!
Let out your anger Photo: pixabay.comIt is very important to allow yourself to be angry and feel anger. You don't forbid yourself to laugh, do you? And joy is the same emotion as anger, only without your internal limitations. So, take a pillow and start hitting it - this way you will throw out all the anger and feel that you have become much lighter, as if you have dropped a heavy burden.
If this psychological technique does not particularly suit you, then write a letter of hatred and anger. Write on paper, pressing hard on the pencil or pen, putting all your hatred and anger into each word. After writing, be sure to burn the letter. There is another alternative to this method - lock yourself in the car and scream at the top of your lungs, or go to where there are fewer people (forest, dacha, etc.) and shout as you want!
Don't push yourself to the limit when people yell at you or criticize you!
Just tell your opponent: “I’m angry with you because...” Photo: pixabay.comThe best way to deal with anger is to express it to the person who made you angry. Just say: “You know, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that...” or “I’m angry with you because...” Of course, it’s not always justified to express everything to your face.
You can address the offender through the mirror. Play out the situation that pissed you off, and, imagining in the mirror the one who offended you, express everything you think about him. After your anger has subsided, try to sincerely understand and forgive him. Forgiveness will help you completely free yourself from anger and aggression.
Learn to pause!
Take a deep breath and count to ten Photo: InnervisionArt, Shutterstock.comThe easiest way to cope is to take a deep breath and count to ten. I have already mentioned this method above. If possible, take a walk, because movement will definitely help cope with the rushing adrenaline.
You can also “wash away” the negative. Do laundry or wash dishes. Contact with water will provide a discharge. When you feel like you can barely restrain yourself from saying too much, mentally fill your mouth with water. Let the plot from the fairy tale about enchanted water help you with this:
Once upon a time there lived an old man and an old woman. Not a day went by that they didn't fight. And, although both were tired of quarreling, they could not stop. One day a fortune teller came to their house and gave them a bucket of enchanted water: “If you feel like swearing again, take a mouthful of this water, and the quarrel will pass.” As soon as she was out the door, the old woman began to nag the old man. And he took water into his mouth and remained silent. What now, should the old woman shake the air alone? It takes two to fight! So they lost the habit of swearing...
Get rid of accumulated anxiety and internal blocks!
Master the “Buddha Smile” exercise Photo: pixabay.comThe following techniques for managing emotions, borrowed from the Taoist teachings of Shou Tao, will help you.
The “ Buddha Smile ” exercise will allow you to easily achieve a state of mental balance. Calm down and try not to think about anything. Completely relax your facial muscles and imagine how they fill with heaviness and warmth, and then, having lost their elasticity, seem to “flow” down in a pleasant languor. Focus on the corners of your lips. Imagine how your lips begin to move slightly to the sides, forming a slight smile. Do not exert any muscular effort.
You will feel your lips stretch into a subtle smile, and a feeling of incipient joy will appear throughout your body. Try to do this exercise every day until the “Buddha smile” state becomes familiar to you.
Go to a neurologist
Go to the doctor Photo: vgstudio, Shutterstock.comDon't be shy or afraid. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re healthy, it’s just that life has provoked a depressive state that is natural in your situation. Tell us about the recurring thoughts that debilitate you.
You will be prescribed harmless medications, possibly homeopathic, which you will take when emotions overwhelm you. Don't be ashamed of what happens to you. This is not that uncommon.
You just need to competently help yourself get out of an unpleasant state.
What else to read on the topic?
Where is the wave of aggression heading? What is hidden aggression and is it possible to fight it? Grenade. How to prevent an outburst of anger?
Tags: aggressiveness, aggression, negative emotions, managing emotions, depression, useful tips, anger, psychological techniques
How to recognize the anger within yourself
Anger comes in all kinds, and here's another important difference. There is the anger of the victim, which feels whiny and helpless, and the righteous anger of standing up for one's own interests. The point is to move on to righteous anger, even though you may start with the first one.
For some people, anger comes easily, and they use it as a universal emotion to replace disappointment, sadness, fear, whatever. Others hold on to their anger, no matter the cost, out of a subconscious fear that if they let it out, it will open a floodgate that cannot be closed.
Healing emotional wounds of any kind requires that you become emotionally flexible, able to experience and recognize a wide range of emotions without being held hostage by any of them.
Dealing with anger is largely about giving yourself permission. Many of us have learned to swallow anger, and it usually takes a long time to unlearn it. Being consistent and sincere in your journaling will help you unlearn this habit of self-censorship.
Adviсe
If you want to get rid of anger and irritability, the following recommendations may help you.
- Remember that we are all different, we all have some positive and negative traits, there is no need to be too biased towards other people.
- Don't isolate yourself, don't keep all your anger inside. Learn to approach any event with humor, try to find something positive in any situation.
- Develop your own confidence - this will make it easier to relate to any situation, you will be able to firmly resist someone’s provocation of angry emotions.
- Change your social circle. If there are people nearby who irritate you, they will constantly provoke negativity and the development of anger. It’s better to have those nearby who bring only positive emotions.
- There is no need to suppress the anger that wants to come out. Over time, accumulated anger will begin to destroy your body from the inside, thereby contributing to the development of serious diseases.
- Learn to treat the situation correctly and reassess your needs. Sometimes a person can become angry with a caller due to some problems in the family. It is unacceptable to lose your temper in front of people just because they behave somehow wrong, try to put yourself in their place.
- Sometimes you need to visit a neurologist or psychotherapist; perhaps your behavior is due to problems with the nervous system or depression is to blame.
Now you know how to overcome negativity within yourself, how to get rid of anger within yourself. Remember that for normal functioning a person needs to experience positive emotions. Negativity that accumulates inside or constantly splashes out on others only harms the individual himself and worsens his psychological and physical health. Therefore, it is very important to learn to control yourself and prevent outbursts of aggression and anger.
Exploring Your Anger: A Journal Exercise
This is the first part of the sentence, and you need to complete it with what comes to mind. You need to answer quickly so as not to have time to subject yourself to censorship. I recommend that you complete this sentence at least ten times (the longer the list, the more effective the exercise will be) and concentrate your thoughts on the mother:
I'm angry because...
After you've finished, read all your answers and notice how you feel. If you want to record something freestyle, now is the right time. I also encourage you to think about one more question:
Underneath the layer of anger I feel...
Finish this sentence at least ten times as well. You can also make a list of things you haven't forgiven your mother for.
Anger management: types of anger, its causes and ways to cope with it
Quite often, anger hides other, more fragile feelings, which, if hurt, will be much more difficult to recover from. Sometimes anger is the primary feeling, and then it is better to throw it out. However, my experience shows that most often anger is secondary. As such, anger masks deeper and more important feelings that are directly related to the situation.
Primary and secondary anger in different situations
There are many reasons for anger. Determine the reason and it will be easier for you to deal with it. The causes of anger can be divided into four groups.
- Other people's actions or words hurt our vanity. In my experience, this is the most common cause of anger. We get angry because our pride is hurt.
- Others offer you intimacy or care that you are currently unwilling or hesitant to accept. Anger or irritation is a method of self-defense that works almost automatically as a defense against proposed intimacy.
- The actions of others contradict your values and life principles.
- What is happening is contrary to desires and aspirations.
Let's look at all four groups in more detail.
Wounded pride
Anger that manifests itself as a result of hurt pride is called narcissistic. When our pride is wounded, the words or actions of the offender outrage us, sometimes we even do something in revenge. We are like children who, having heard criticism addressed to them, say: “I’m like that myself!” Most likely, we have a desire to launch into explanations and force our offender to change his opinion about us. None of these measures work! By throwing out anger at the offender, we will not change his idea of us - at least for the better. Additional explanations won't help either. On the contrary, they can make the offender angry, and he will decide that he was right in his assumptions about us.
Let’s imagine a certain Hans, who says to his wife Inga: “You’ve gotten a little lazy…” Inga feels anger and a desire to list all the things she does. However, this will not help, since anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, two other feelings are hidden behind the anger.
The first is sadness because she is not seen as she wants to appear in the eyes of others. And it would be best to say: “I’m sorry that you think so” or “I don’t think so myself.” Perhaps to this Hans will ask: “And what do you think I’m wrong about?” Now Inga can start explaining, because Hans is ready to listen to her.
Another feeling hidden by narcissistic anger is fear: if Hans really thinks Inga like this, what if he doesn’t want to live with her anymore? If she is really afraid of this, it would be appropriate to ask: “If you really think so, does that mean you love me less?” And to this he can answer: “What are you saying, no, of course not. You’re wonderful to me - and it’s very good that while I’m at work, you enjoy life, and when I come home, you’re cheerful and calm.” Then the fear will dissipate, and with it the anger. This is especially useful if you are highly sensitive, because quarrels are unusually exhausting for you.
When you find yourself on the other side and have caused narcissistic anger in someone with your words or actions, try not to react to the anger itself, but to address the sadness and fear of your interlocutor.
If you manage to show that you are able to see his positive qualities, and he believes you, then his anger will subside. Suppose I called someone sensitive and my interlocutor got angry, either because he really wasn’t or because he didn’t want to appear sensitive. Perhaps he considers sensitivity to be a weakness and believes that in order not to be alone, he needs to be cool and unperturbed.
Instead of going into explanations and defending my own point of view, I immediately say that I could be wrong. Then I will say that expressing one's own feelings is an excellent quality, inherent only in brave people, and that I consider my interlocutor to be a brave and pleasant person to talk to. In this way I will ease his fear and sadness. It is quite possible that after this situation I will consider him even more sensitive. However, I will refrain from talking about this. Maybe someday he himself will understand everything and come to terms with it.
Instead of everything described, I could get angry in response, and then tell someone about how disgustingly my interlocutor behaved. In this case, his fear and sadness would increase, and with them his anger.
Does this mean that I myself will never be able to express my irritation? No, I can say it a little later, when the interlocutor has calmed down, or write it down in my diary. Fortunately, as we age, most of us stop feeling the need to immediately express our feelings. This is a useful skill, because thanks to it we avoid conflicts: by becoming the object of someone else's anger or other feelings, we restrain our own emotions and do not provoke a quarrel. Bottling up your feelings isn't always helpful and can lead to other problems, but it's good to know you still have a choice. <…>
Self-defense
Consider the following situation.
Lona hopes for a promotion, but she is denied. That evening she goes home, where her husband named Per is waiting for her. Lona is upset and cannot cope with her disappointment. She goes into the kitchen and starts cooking, and when Per tries to hug her, she shakes his hand off and sharply criticizes the products he bought.
Anger in this case is a secondary feeling, performing a protective function. It's normal that you don't feel like communicating in these situations, but the smartest thing to do is say it out loud.
For example, like this: “I don’t feel like talking right now, so I don’t need your help yet.” Or like this: “You have nothing to do with it, and when I want to discuss everything, I will definitely say so.”
It also happens that our own anger seems to be an imposed feeling on us, which is difficult even for us to control. Perhaps you need intimacy and don’t want to alienate those close to you, and anger deprives you of this opportunity. In this case, I would recommend discussing this with a therapist. We cannot waste our lives suffering because we push away those we need so much.
Failure to adhere to life principles or denial of your values
When someone's actions make us angry, it may be because they go against your principles in life. The other person is doing something that you don't allow yourself to do. For example, I often get angry at people who talk about something without thinking about whether it is interesting to others. In such situations, I have two options. First, you can try to get the other person to change their behavior. Secondly, you can change your own behavior. For example, in the future I could also indulge in long conversations, especially without thinking about how exciting they are for the interlocutor.
If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax. It would be a good idea to reflect on your life principles and, perhaps, give up some of them.
With values the situation is different. If, for example, you care about the environment, you will probably get angry when you see someone polluting it. In this case, I would not recommend calming yourself down and changing your attitude towards environmental pollution. Quite the opposite - you will feel much better by standing up for your values and joining, for example, an organization that has a value system similar to yours.
Unfulfilled wishes
In such situations, the reason for our anger is not hurt pride, not a desire to distance ourselves from others, and not a contradiction to our life rules or values. This category includes situations in which we do not get what we want, but which do not fall into any of the other three categories.
Let me give you a few examples.
It seems to you that what is happening is preventing you from achieving your goal (someone is putting a spoke in your wheels).
You don’t get what you want (you experience disappointment - a combination of feelings in which anger can occupy a fairly important place; see Chapter 1 for more details on combinations of feelings).
Others violate your boundaries, touch your things, or dance with your partner by snuggling too closely. The latter provokes anger similar to the anger of animals when a stranger invades their territory.
In all these situations, anger is primary. Its purpose is to define boundaries and remove obstacles. If, for example, your neighbor parks right in front of your garage, then you will probably feel irritation growing inside and a readiness to take action brewing. You can tell your neighbor about your anger and that you think his action was thoughtless. Throwing out anger is a great way out: afterwards we even want to breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, such joy does not last long. Rest assured that those on whom you take your anger out will return the favor. Your neighbor will certainly reproach you for speaking to him in an inappropriate tone.
As a rule, I advise patients and students in my courses to express anger in the form of wishes. When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire.
If you understand exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will ultimately achieve much better results. So, for example, you can tell your neighbor the following: “If it’s not difficult for you, please move the car literally a meter and a half to the left - then it will be easier for me to leave the garage.” And, most likely, your request will be fulfilled.
If your colleague uses your computer without asking, tell him this: “Try to warn me in advance next time, okay? Then, just in case, I’ll save the data so that nothing gets lost.” And in the future, your colleague will probably take your wishes into account.
When something contradicts your wishes, you can express your wish in the form of a proposal, the purpose of which is to change the situation. You can also refuse the desire.
When we give up the fight, anger turns into sadness, and sadness is a much more alive and dynamic feeling than anger.
Over time, the sadness gradually subsides and disappears completely. And after that you will have new desires and opportunities.
Precautions when dealing with anger
If anger is one of the emotions that you cannot control, and its expression has negative consequences, you may need to take special precautions.
It is important that you are able to calibrate your anger so that it is an ongoing process and not something that is either on or off. You need to recognize anger when it first arises and have the tools to control it. You need to be able to control its volume, using techniques of switching attention, breathing exercises or short breaks in order to interrupt the unwanted increase in tension.
You might consider taking an anger management course or working with a therapist if you find yourself unable to control your anger, or unable to even touch it.
