Is being needed a vital necessity or a delusion that is not useful? The desire to be the right person is truly the most common desire in my practice. Sometimes it develops the best qualities in us, making us a better version of ourselves. And, at the same time, irreplaceable for society or a loved one. And sometimes it leads to disastrous consequences. Where is the line separating healthy neediness from painful neurosis? And how to become needed if you really want to?
4 Career
Following from the previous point. Now I’ll write something, and if you understand and accept it, then your life will become much easier. And not only in the area of personal relationships.
You must be a master in your field and love what you do.
If you don't like your job, change it. “Oh, how easy it is for her to write something like that,” you might think. But nothing like that, I felt it all both on myself and on other people close to me. It’s easy to find excuses, but building your life always requires effort.
A job that burdens you will never make you desirable and successful in the eyes of girls.
Work that inspires and fulfills you makes you valuable and unique . And it doesn’t matter who you work as a painter or a top manager. I repeat once again – IT DOESN’T MATTER. The type of your employment does not matter, the main thing is your attitude towards it. Respect for colleagues, superiors, joy from the results obtained, communication with clients.
Nobody says that you, like an idiot, should always smile, be happy and not get tired. Any job comes with stress and problems, constantly emerging impossible tasks, deadlines, and so on.
But if these stresses are the only thing you get from work (and a salary, okay), then you will never be a man of the highest standard for any woman in the world.
A man who is a professional in his field evokes unprecedented admiration among women. (In general, he calls everyone, including his superiors, but we won’t go that far now).
Think about what you can fix (if necessary). Maybe it is not at all necessary to change the field of activity, it is enough to make changes to the current course of things? Solve this problem, love yourself, create comfortable conditions for yourself.
Detours to success are a dangerous choice.
Don't weave complex intrigues.
Yes, you can make your way into your boss’s favor by winning his heart with your personal charm.
Yes, you will increase your chances of getting a cushy job by slandering your superior colleagues or inciting quarrels in the team.
But these recipes for success give very unreliable results.
It will be much better if you concentrate on the present matter - you will fulfill with maximum efficiency the responsibilities that are currently entrusted to you.
5 Kindness
Do you agree that a unique man is an exclusive man? I think yes. Let's remember approximately what the average modern man looks like? And let’s think about how we can show off our exclusivity against its background .
Let's talk about it in a positive way - this is a person with a sense of humor, who knows his worth, and knows how to stand up for himself. And what follows from this? Aggressiveness. Bitterness. Selfishness and indifference to others, closedness and callousness. Oh yes, how many times does all this creep out at the most unnecessary moment and push girls away from you forever.
Unfortunately, the modern world forces people to become like this. Driving all our humanity deep, deep. Well, you already guessed what the quality is that will instantly set you apart from all men and put you on a pedestal. kindness in the modern world .
And a man, a kind man, is a rarity and a one-off. But again, guys, I'm not talking about excesses. Not when you allow everyone to “plow” you, silently putting their backs on you. I'm talking about a different kindness.
Help an old man, take pity on a kitten, treat someone with understanding (not judgment). Justify someone else's mistake (out loud).
There is no need to allow yourself to be used out of the “kindness of your heart.” It is important to do things of your own accord and impulse that demonstrate your good soul. And it is advisable to do all this in front of the girl. Yes, this is such commercialism and thoughtfulness.
And one more thing: do not confuse aggressiveness with brutality. The second is when a slight movement demonstrates courage and strength, in a positive sense. Protection, care, guardianship. Aggressiveness has a negative connotation, and the goal is not unification, but opposition.
I want to be needed!
“I want to feel needed.” Let's try to understand where this desire comes from? Having understood the origins of desire, its reasons, it will be much easier for us to answer the question “How to become needed by someone.”
1. Reason: This is the very social environment in which any person exists.
It just so happens that since childhood we have been observing a picture: useful people with talents, abilities, benefits - someone always needs them. They are needed precisely because they HAVE SOMETHING that they can share with someone who does NOT have it.
In addition, since childhood, you yourself have repeatedly found yourself in situations of need for something. And some person had this something.
Yes, for example, take our very first life experience - this is our mother (or another person who takes care of us). After all, we really needed her to feed us, hug us, rock us, talk, “coo” with us... Already in infancy we read this message -
human needs human
Thus, we form an UNCONSCIOUS belief that, living in a society of people, it is necessary to be needed by people. To be needed by at least someone!
6 Generosity
Oh no, I won’t tell you now how great it is to be generous and throw money left and right. This will bring you nothing but free money hungry girls.
I propose to go the opposite way and show you what makes you an ordinary and gray (not standing out from the crowd) guy. Even if you are already in a relationship.
So, this is demonstrative stinginess . I had such a case in a budding relationship - I was walking around the city with a guy, I wanted to drink, he said - now we’ll buy it. We taxi into the store, take what he wants, go to the checkout, where there is a small line. He hands over the bill and pays. The cashier gives the change and my gentleman begins to count the coins that she gave him. Carefully transferring coins from one hand to another. The line is waiting, I'm waiting. Then he nodded to the cashier that everything was correct, and we left. What the?
As he later told me, he always controls his finances. Isn't it easier then to control them without removing them from the card? - No, you need to withdraw everything so that the bank does not use your money illegally.
In general, he always had this behavior - both when paying for movie tickets and in restaurants. He didn’t leave a tip, so I took mine out and tucked it into the bill.
So, guys, it’s VERY, VERY unpleasant when the money spent on a girl is so pointedly counted, sorted out, and the change is carefully checked. I stand next to him and feel how sorry he is for this money. How he does NOT want to spend them and part with them. And the reason for this is me. Do you know what I mean?
I offered to split the bills a hundred times, buy the tickets myself (for two), but of course, he doesn’t agree to that. He is a man, he invites. In general, do not repeat such mistakes. I quickly broke up with him, and I remember with horror all these “invitations” and outings into society.
What kind of man is this? If next to him you feel like a beggar, and not a desired girl.
Conclusion - if you are greedy, there is no need to publicly demonstrate it. It's off-putting. It’s better to honestly say that you feel sorry for spending money on empty entertainment; I’d rather buy you a bag, Masha. Well, this is if you want to do something nice for a girl.
Besides, how else can a man become needed, necessary, and significant?
Absolutely the same rule works that works in the case of “how to become needed by people.” This rule is:
Forget about your concepts of “what is good and what is bad.” STOP trying to do “good deeds” for him that he doesn’t need for nothing. Instead, find out what exactly he himself considers necessary in a woman. What is vitally important to him? What are his own needs?
For some men, certain delicious food is important, for others it is understanding. Many men want a girl to “look into their mouth” and praise his intelligence and intellectual abilities. Others prefer a relaxed approach to intimacy and a willingness to experiment. Still others want her to be a companion, a business comrade in a skirt. The fourth need the feeling that he is strong and therefore want their confidence in themselves as a strong man to be maintained. Fifth, they themselves want to be needed and useful.
There are a lot of options and they can be completely unexpected... In general, you need to find out what is important to him.
And, even having found out all this, there is no need to immediately strive to “reshape yourself completely” to suit it. Because this way the girl will leave herself. And, as we remember, you have to put yourself first.
It's important to find the right balance. Keeping yourself in 1st place, putting a man in second. That is, to please him on a residual basis. She has taken good care of herself, is satisfied with herself - now she can give her husband what is valuable to him.
It is in this situation that you can be needed by a man. You can become valuable, significant, dear and necessary.
Be careful with gossip
The magnetic pull of gossip is potentially dangerous to your career. Stay away from most of these group gatherings and their negative banter. However, it's worth keeping your ears and eyes open for the nuggets of truth often present in workplace gossip.
If you find out that people don't understand the firm's direction or its latest strategy, that's important information for your boss. Filter fact from fiction, but don't discount conversations that highlight organizational weaknesses and opportunities.
Act
Don't be afraid to take risks and make decisions. Don't allow yourself to get stuck or overwhelmed by an unexpected situation. Look for ways to get around obstacles. Think before you speak, but do not hesitate to take drastic and bold actions.
Effective leaders create daily rituals and habits that help them stay focused on their goals. But even when acting spontaneously, they think strategically, having a backup plan when faced with problems and changing conditions.
But diligence in work will not be superfluous
Even if the work is low-paid, it must be done conscientiously.
If you do the minimum required of your duties, your superiors will most likely not consider you the best employee who can qualify for a bonus or promotion. Don't be afraid of work for fear that it won't pay extra. Among employers, of course, there are many unscrupulous people. Still, you shouldn’t think badly of the leader. Do more than what is asked of you, and success will surely come.
There is no need to be lazy at work. Laziness is a bad habit that is difficult to overcome. But nothing is impossible. The best way is to motivate yourself to achieve small goals; increasing the amount or complexity of work should be done gradually.
Constantly analyze
To maintain influence, you need to quickly analyze and evaluate what is happening. This allows the leader to quickly solve problems and remain in demand.
Circumstances and conditions are constantly changing, but an authoritative leader knows how to monitor the environment so that it can adapt. He knows trends, stays abreast of what competitors are doing, and encourages critical thinking among team members. This approach will allow for innovative and creative solutions.
Be in touch
Building genuine relationships helps soften people up and make them open to new things. This is why authority figures work to treat others with sensitivity and consideration. They act as guides for uniting people into effective teams.
Get others involved in big projects. Good leaders know ways to improve the productivity of the entire team and each individual member.
Be irreplaceable
To have influence is to have something in your character that others consider significant. To do this you need to become indispensable.
Influencers find ways to make themselves relevant and vital to the team by updating their skills and developing their strengths. They are agile, versatile, adaptable to circumstances. They create synergy and force interested parties to enter into effective cooperation.
Popular problem
If a person is worried about how to become an interesting person to others, most likely he simply does not know how to communicate. Lack of communication skills manifests itself in different ways. Some talk about something completely ordinary, uninteresting or banal. Others do not pay attention to the interlocutor, not allowing them to get a word in. Some simply don’t know what to say, and therefore all their speeches are inappropriate. The rest know neither moderation nor tact, and constantly strive to “get into” the dialogue.
And these are not all examples. But the solution for all cases is the same: you need to learn to communicate.
Act consciously
Authority does not magically appear on its own, but is achieved through deliberate actions and behavioral adjustments. Influential people move through life with purpose, being aware of what they do and how others perceive it.
Focus on achieving results. Give constructive feedback and show appreciation for hard work. Real leaders do not cheat or argue, but speak openly about their intentions, accurately defining tasks.
Create allies and strengthen the organization's position
Whether you admit it or not, you are your boss's ambassador when it comes to his or her reputation and ability to select and develop good people. Act accordingly. Armed with the context of your boss's priorities, try to create allies and represent those interests in the spirit of strengthening the organization. Also, work hard to understand the priorities of other leaders and groups and make sure your boss has that intelligence to apply to his efforts.
We must strive to understand and support the goals of the leader
Nothing says "I care about my commitment" than seeking to understand and support your boss's priorities and goals. Not every boss has their own professional goals and personal aspirations, so you may have to do a little digging. Use the rationale that you want your goals to match his goals. Ask clarifying questions.
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Give others a chance to speak
Empathize. Those around you should feel heard and understood. Everyone needs the opportunity to freely express their personal opinions.
Trusting others is key to making people feel valued and remain engaged. Try to give up personal statements for a while and let your colleagues speak. This is a paramount requirement for developing open communication that provides accurate feedback.
Always learning
Influential people are constantly learning. They understand the importance of cultivating a mind that is open to new perspectives and ideas. These are students of life who constantly improve their skills and overcome themselves by acquiring knowledge.
New skills give you the tools you need to adapt to different circumstances and understand what is happening around you. Knowledge is power, and power is influence.
Develop other people's talents
Nothing will influence your selection for promotion more than your proven ability to develop talent.
Ignoring the realities of power and politics in your organization is naive. Recognize your boss's power in choosing you to be successful and act accordingly.
It is important to understand that everything that is said in this article is true only if the boss is an absolutely adequate, professional person. But if you find yourself subordinate to a major who was given this position, for example, because of his family connections, then the above rules simply will not work. In such a situation it is difficult to advise anything; sometimes it is easier to change place.
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