- Take responsibility
- Be aware
- Record your progress
- State your goals
- Don't criticize yourself
- Remember to be unique
Comparing yourself to others is a destructive habit that is not good for you. After all, there will always be someone more successful, more beautiful, richer or younger than you. The problem is that it is very difficult to get rid of such thinking; there is a lot of work to be done on oneself. First, you need to figure out how to stop comparing yourself to others and figure out what steps you can take right now.
Humble yourself
We are accustomed to thinking that we are in complete control of our consciousness and actions, and only weakness of will prevents us from giving up the bad habit of comparing ourselves with others.
Not certainly in that way. American business school professors Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer argue that comparing ourselves to others is an innate need by which we measure our personal level of happiness. They cite the example of Frans de Waal's experiment with capuchin monkeys: one monkey was given cucumbers as a reward, while the other was given grapes. When the first monkey noticed the difference, he refused the cucumber and began demanding grapes. We all, in one way or another, look at others - this allows us to dress appropriately for a party, follow the rules of etiquette in an unfamiliar country, or make a good impression in a new company. But socialization reinforces the habit of comparing oneself with others much more strongly than is necessary for a comfortable stay in society. Since childhood, the ghost of “mother’s friend’s son” has been hovering over us, who studied much better, cleaned his room and communicated with his elders. Over time, the number of such “standards” is only growing - from former classmates who have already bought an apartment, to Instagram stars who go on vacation 10 times a year (almost everyone has encountered the depressing FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) syndrome). And now, it seems, this natural tendency begins to bring you quite serious suffering and deprives you of sleep.
Stop soul-searching
Self-esteem, as a platform for self-acceptance or self-flagellation, is formed from childhood and the child’s own mental conclusions in this process are naturally impossible due to age and lack of any life experience. Therefore, there are not so many people who adequately evaluate themselves.
In your society you meet either those who position themselves as demigods, preferring to dominate others, or those who, on the contrary, underestimate themselves. In psychology, this is called inflated self-esteem (egoism, egocentrism, a sense of superiority and other similar terms) or low self-esteem.
In fact, both the first and second require complex treatment and constant assistance from a specialist. This process is extremely difficult and close to treatment for a chronic disease, since it originates in early childhood and over the years becomes second nature to a person.
Photo by SHVETS production: Pexels
Unfortunately, you can’t wake up in the morning and declare yourself “healthy,” but you can really influence the situation by stopping painful self-oppression. “My stepmother and sisters will go to the ball. But not me. They will dance with the prince. But I don’t” will not make your life better. but they will definitely bring you to tears, bad mood and well-being.
Lower your expectations
The need to constantly compare yourself to others is a sign of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. But this habit only makes the situation worse. We begin to check in with those around us to make sure we fit into this world, but our eyes predictably linger on the best and the brightest. Self-esteem falls even lower, dependence on the opinions of others increases, and this turns into a vicious circle that needs to be broken.
There are very few people among us with healthy self-esteem. Blaming yourself for this, being ashamed and feeling worthless is ineffective. As a child, you had little chance of gaining a different self-esteem, because a child is formed under the influence of external factors, and not as a result of his own efforts.
Self-esteem can be increased either by becoming more successful or by lowering your expectations and refusing to compare yourself to others. Psychologist and philosopher William James considered the second path rational, since there will always be a person more successful or smarter than you, and the list of demands on yourself can grow endlessly and make you even more nervous.
Keep in mind that people with low self-esteem are more likely to evaluate themselves and others based on external attributes and you don’t know what is behind beautiful photos on Instagram, luxury cars and huge salaries.
Adequate ways to compare yourself to other people
If we did not compare ourselves to others, then how could we evaluate the prospects, norms and values of life? How could you understand where to grow, your ambitions and desires? There are adequate ways to compare yourself with other people:
- Never compare yourself to others based on physical appearance or demonstrated success. This will lead to decreased self-esteem and despondency. Compare creative sides. You don't have to wonder what's different about me than others. Ask, what is my advantage over others, how am I different from others, what is my unique creativity? Knowing your strengths will help you succeed in life. Ask yourself: “What makes my point of view, my vision, unique?” After all, uniqueness and creativity are valued much more in the world than imitating someone.
- Never judge yourself by the number of friends you have. Some people have a lot of friends, acquaintances, they actively communicate. Just observe the behavior of such people, how they establish relationships and develop their prospects. The main thing is not how wide your circle of acquaintances is, but what kind of person you are. Engage in self-knowledge, self-development, and you will be attracted to interesting, versatile personalities just like you. Remember, the main thing is not quantity, but quality.
- Never compare achievements. After all, successful and rich people became so not because they were lucky, but because they worked hard for it. People always envy the end result, forgetting to think about the path a person had to go through to achieve such success.
Change your attitude towards talented successful people. They should inspire you, not make you angry or jealous. Better study the life story of this person, find out what steps he took to achieve his goal.
Don't be afraid to be unique, unlock your potential, be inspired by the examples of other people and start living your life to the fullest.
Comparing yourself to other people can poison your life and take away the joy and happiness. But if you work on yourself, your perception of this problem, you can benefit from this process. In addition, it is very important to stop thinking that someone else is interested in your life more than his own. There is no reason to seek approval or positive feedback from other people. No matter how much you are praised or discussed, it will not change your life in any way. Learn not to react to it. Focus on yourself, your self-improvement and self-development. Always compare yourself only to yourself yesterday. Fill your every day with meaning, new knowledge, impressions, emotions, so that you can say: “Today I am even better than yesterday.”
Topics: Personal growth, Self-realization, Relationships
Set a goal
Setting a goal correctly shortens the path to achieving it. “I don’t want to compare myself to other people” is a bad wording that focuses you on the process and puts you back into a vicious circle. The goal “not to do” is impossible, the goal “to do something else” works. For example, rationally analyze your desires and needs.
If you're constantly comparing yourself to a colleague who drives a business class car to work when you take the subway, it's not enough to just tell yourself, “Stop comparing!” It is much more effective to calculate how best to move around your city. After this, you can objectively decide whether it’s worth envying a car in a place where getting to work by metro is much faster, and if you’re lazy, you can always call an inexpensive taxi. Remember that any comparison is subjective and may not always relate to your actual needs.
Be better than yourself yesterday, not others today
We are also talking about landmarks here. You are used to comparing yourself with other girls, but in fact becoming their copy is wrong and impossible. Accordingly, the only person you should really look up to is yourself.
Agree, it’s pointless to eat a pie and look at slender Vika, who goes to the gym, with an angry look. It would be more correct to supplement your diet with healthy foods and your daily routine with active physical activity.
Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich: Pexels
Likewise, it is strange to wear a tracksuit and be offended if the employer prefers to see the elegant Vera in the management. After all, nothing prevents you from dressing according to your rank, status, position, etc. Fortunately, the abundance of stores allows you to choose decent outfits for any budget.
In everything and always you should strive to be better than yourself. Then the need to compare (and envy) will disappear, giving way to goals, aspirations and new heights.
Think critically
By starting a destructive chain of thoughts about whose grass is greener, we seriously deceive ourselves and go far from rationality. Morningstar behavioral economist Sarah Newcomb conducted 669 in-depth interviews to find out how comparison with others affects our lives.
“You have to realize that when you immerse yourself in someone else's sweet life, you compare it with your boring life,” Newcomb says. “You see the best staged shots, but you think about your dullest everyday life.” Stop and think rationally."
Comparing the brightest episodes of someone else's life with the saddest ones of your own is, at the very least, dishonest and puts you in a defeatist position in advance. Keep this in mind the next time you're lamenting a boring day at the office while looking at the vacation photos of a former colleague who sits at work just as much as you.
Why do people compare themselves to others?
In some biology textbooks you can find the following formulation: “comparing oneself with others is a genetic predisposition.” By observing effective behavior patterns, people learn what they need to do to survive and feel great.
For example, in professional life one cannot do without comparison; thanks to it, people can:
- Get an assessment of your professional qualities and skills;
- Understand your role in the team, work company;
- Increase your level of self-esteem;
- Strengthen your professional identity.
Take care of yourself
To get rid of the habit of comparing yourself to others, first analyze what the main triggers (remarks from relatives, failure at work, or maybe loneliness?) for destructive thoughts are and what happens next. By thinking carefully about your behavior, you will have a set of patterns inherent in you (you can write them down in a diary) and will be able to better control yourself.
Next time you decide to compare yourself to a neighbor or a famous blogger, do at least a little differently: think about what you can learn from the person who caught your attention.
Neurotic boss and his infantile subordinates
Neurotics often become bosses, which aggravates the situation and does not cure neurosis, but only warms it up.
Such a manager organizes the work process poorly, creates constant stress for colleagues, and is never completely satisfied and confident in the result. This is a typical control freak who needs power and control like air.
By confining solutions to even minor issues to himself, such a boss imprisons himself in a prison-trap. On the one hand, he cannot relax even for a second, he is constantly being tugged at; on the other hand, in this prison he feels like a very important person surrounded by dependent child employees. Due to his insecurity and anxiety, he infantilizes his subordinates because he believes that he must make all decisions himself and does not allow anyone to prove himself. The structure adapts to the leadership style, so employees quickly learn to make decisions.
It’s sad to see how modern companies, which mainly employ young people, completely reproduce the bureaucratic style of the Soviet tradition “I’m the boss - you’re a fool” in internal politics.
Remember your uniqueness
Comparing yourself to others (like two cars from the same assembly line) is simply ineffective. Each of us is unique: different parents, origins, values, priorities, abilities. Do you want to compare yourself with someone? Pay attention to yourself. Focus only on those goals that you consciously strive for.
To do this, write down your achievements, analyze each step of the way. Think about what you have learned, what you have seen and realized, what you still need to work on. This work can be done independently: use checklists, write down thoughts in audio messages in instant messengers to yourself, keep a habit diary, etc. Or with the help of a psychologist or coach who will ask the right questions and will not extol your achievements or point out your shortcomings once again .
Where can you study on the topic #sociology
Seminar
Emotional Intelligence and Leadership: Why Emotions are No Longer Weaknesses That Ruin Your Life
22 Aug 2021 at 18:30
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A good decision: how to make a choice every day - and what science knows about it
November 9, 2021 at 11:00
am Course
Cultural codes in communication
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Where can I study on #behavior?
Well
Sociology as the science of common sense
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Well
How to deal with it
Comparison with others is of little benefit to anyone. It’s one thing if, looking at the successes of others, you get motivated and charged for success. Only people with adequate self-esteem do this, who are responsible for their lives and understand how much work goes into other people’s achievements.
It’s completely different if you start to envy, scold yourself and criticize successful people. In Spiritual Economics it is said: “Do not covet your neighbor’s house, do not covet his wife, nor his servants<…>. Don’t covet anything that belongs to another!” (WBTC, Ex. 20:17). Envy, like poison, poisons a person.
As a rule, along with the comparison there are other problems:
- dependence on other people's opinions;
- diffidence;
- low self-esteem;
- fear of responsibility.
This requires comprehensive work on yourself. But first you need to understand that getting rid of this way of thinking will make your life happier. The fact is that when you compare yourself to others, you automatically diminish your achievements. You focus on the weaknesses rather than the strengths. You poison your life with negativity, envy, despondency. In such an atmosphere it is difficult to remain successful and happy. If you want to change for the better, start working now to stop envying and comparing yourself to others.
Take responsibility
What distinguishes a successful person from others is the ability to take responsibility for all his actions. He lives consciously and understands what he wants from life.
Accepting responsibility means being aware of why you are at this particular point. For example, you envy a successful friend who built a business from scratch, while you occupy a low-paid position. When comparing yourself with her, you take into account only the result of her work, what she came to. However, don’t think about how much she had to work for this.
It is better to set a goal to achieve the same result, instead of envying and scolding circumstances. In this case, taking responsibility for your life means understanding and accepting the reasons why you were not successful. In other words, just tell yourself, “I don't make much money because I didn't do anything to grow professionally. My friend achieved success because she worked long and hard on herself and went towards her goal for many years.”
Be aware
To stop comparing yourself to others and envying them, watch your thoughts. Starting to think about the successes and achievements of others, while experiencing negative emotions, simply interrupt this flow. Focus on yourself, for example, think about what you can do to become happier, more successful, richer or more beautiful. Do this every time, track your reactions to different events. This way you will acquire a new habit to replace the old one and begin to focus on yourself, your goals and needs, and not on other people.
In Spiritual Economics there are these words: “A sound mind in a sound body, but envy is a deadly disease that penetrates to the very bones” (WBTC, Proverbs 14:30). If you maintain the right mindset, don’t envy other people’s successes, and live your life, every day you become closer to your goals.
Record your progress
To increase your value and importance in your own eyes, think about what you have already achieved. Absolutely every person has some achievements, but many tend to brush them aside, making the successes of others more significant.
To remember this, start keeping a success journal. Write down all your achievements in it. Management noted your participation in the project - write it down; you managed to teach your dog a new command - this is also an achievement; you were able to complete the renovation with your own hands - be sure to celebrate this event. Make it a habit to re-read your posts several times a week.
State your goals
It is useless to compare yourself with others, because we are all different, each with our own goals and dreams. Write down your plans for a year, 5 years, 10 years or more so you always remember what you want to achieve. Instead of thinking about others, think about yourself. For example, figure out which way you can get the desired result. Break big goals into smaller ones and move towards them step by step.
Don't criticize yourself
By comparing ourselves with others, we always come to a disappointing conclusion and lose importance in our own eyes. Stop criticizing yourself, stop focusing on your own shortcomings. Instead, start noticing your strengths. If something doesn’t work out for you, don’t blame yourself, but take it as an experience. Praise yourself for your ingenuity, courage, patience, or something else.
Remember to be unique
When we compare ourselves to successful people, we want to be like them. Such thoughts are destructive because they force you to copy the other person. Spiritual Economics says, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image...” (BTI, Ex. 20:4). It’s one thing to strive to be the best version of yourself, but another thing to try to copy someone. Remember your uniqueness, show your individuality. Follow your own path, and don’t try to repeat someone else’s - this is the only way you can find happiness and harmony.
If you want to develop, stop comparing yourself to others and start living a full, happy life, pay attention to the course “How to remove self-doubt from your head and in just 14 days believe in yourself, your strengths and never doubt your abilities again.” Just 5 lessons at a time convenient for you will help change your life for the better, get rid of complexes and insecurities.
Why does the brain trigger burnout?
The reward system in the human brain is logical: we feel good about ourselves when we do something in anticipation of a reward. The brain is incredibly “rushing” when we accurately calculated the action and carried it out according to plan. This gives us a powerful dopamine impulse and strength for further achievements, increases self-esteem and motivation to continue to have fun.
But if you poorly calculated the deadlines or completed the task with errors and shortcomings, hitting the deadline with a loud creak, then, analyzing the result of your planning, the brain concludes that you are not sufficiently oriented in the world and are overexpending energy. That is, your activity is inappropriate for the body: a lot of effort is spent, and satisfaction is low. Therefore, the production of dopamine is reduced, which means motivation and satisfaction too. And if this happens regularly, you burn!
If such a situation becomes chronic, do not expect dopamine, but expect stress hormones. Chronic stress, in turn, reduces the ability of the prefrontal cortex to plan and calculate deadlines and overall reduces cognitive potential. This is not far from a depressive disorder with all the “bonuses”: poor sleep, endless fatigue and apathy.
Attack on time - burnout factor
If we look at the neurotic style of doing things through the lens of psychiatry, we can see the attack on time that is typical of mental disorders. In psychosis, time disappears, everything merges into an indistinguishable whirlwind and reality slips away.
It is precisely this psychotic evasion of reality that exists in many Russian projects: people constantly set unrealistic deadlines, launch poorly prepared, and devote all their efforts to launching on the announced deadline. At the same time, they do not debug internal processes, think them through poorly, devote little time to working with the team - and as a result, they prepare themselves for stress and a decrease in self-esteem.
When we don't recognize our limitations, a lot of cognitive distortions arise that cause our actions to ultimately become ineffective. If a person cannot adequately assess his own capabilities, he incorrectly assesses both the deadlines and the capabilities of other people - that is, the quality of the entire project decreases. You can kill yourself and sign a contract with a client before the deadline, and then promise him unrealistic deadlines - and everyone will end up stressed and dissatisfied with each other.
The cure for burnout is support and positive feedback
Let's remember where the funnel of neuroticism begins - with upbringing and the absence/lack of positive feedback from parents. Support, gratitude, praise, respect, well-deserved reward - all these types of encouragement inspire people, give them strength, fill the brain receptors with the mediators necessary for productive activity and work those very miracles of motivation.
And in a neurotic system, the main thing is to limit, prevent making a mistake, control, identify shortcomings, punish and check again. Such a system is based not on the desire to be useful, needed and respected, but on fear and punishment.
In the Russian mentality, there really is no culture of unconditional support - we just have to master it. Positive feedback is not at all about the demands, complaints and threats that we are used to “motivating” each other. We need to learn to support those who spend their emotional resources: thank teachers, respect doctors, notice small but important positive changes in our children, admire both victories and defeats, because the beauty of life is not in medals and diplomas. Well, stop shaming, even in a hidden form: “You can, whenever you want.”
It’s important to know that burnout is especially common among idealists—in a sense, the best of us. They are the ones who want to change the world for the better, be useful and be recognized for their noble and hard work. High ideals, not personal gain, are their motivational fuel. And this is high quality fuel!
We all want to meet such a caring doctor who will take risks, take on and fight for a hopeless patient. A teacher who will recognize the talent in your child and support him. A manager who will be precise and responsible, who will think and worry “for you.” And we could meet them more often if we ourselves stopped blaming them for their mistakes, and if we stopped taking care and participation for granted, as “service” due to capricious gentlemen.
Thank each other more often - and not for exploits, but for everyday and simple things.
The burnout of idealists leads to indifference, bitterness and deep disappointment in the world. This state of affairs is especially dangerous in medicine and education, where neuroticism is a trend. This needs to change - if we want, of course, to live happily and shine for a long time.
For the most driven neurotic, the recipe for salvation is simple: ask who needs your drivenness and meaninglessness of existence? Ask this question to your children, lovers and friends. Listen - and believe what you hear: you can really be loved for nothing, and not for the title of “best employee of the month.”
And then quietly crawl out of the matrix. In real life, an order is not awarded for the absence of meaning, and the acquisition of meaning is the only trophy worth fighting for.
