A.I. Buchkova, child psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences, Moscow
Let us dwell on the development of the emotional-volitional sphere of the child. Currently, much attention is paid to the development of emotional intelligence. Parents have many questions regarding the development of their child's will. We present to your attention two psychotherapeutic tales: one as an example of getting to know emotions, and the second as an example of the development of will. But first, let's answer readers' questions.
My five-year-old daughter gets upset about everything and cries often. She has the same sadness everywhere: at home, in kindergarten, at a party. But most importantly, I can’t calm her down, much less cheer her up. How can I help her?
Much depends on what the reason is. This may be an established habit or character trait, a consequence of health status, lack of attention or, conversely, permissiveness on the part of adults, stress that led to the desire to return to infancy (for example, the birth of a younger child or parents’ divorce), the child’s inability to find something to do without help from others, longing for loved ones who are far away, manipulation to achieve what you want. Finding out the reason will allow you to correctly determine a strategy for overcoming such behavior.
In any case, significant adults should refrain from completely ignoring this state of the baby, verbal and physical violence, fulfilling what they want (in the case of manipulation), and prohibiting him from expressing emotions.
The optimal thing, regardless of the reason, would be to accept the child for who he is, as well as the parents’ calm reaction to his behavior, their support and sincere sympathy, and switching attention.
Regarding the development of emotional intelligence, it is necessary to talk with the child about his feelings. A preschooler is already able to recognize manifestations of sadness. Parents have the power to show him the difference between being upset about a broken toy and a quarrel with a friend, the death of a favorite cartoon character and the death of a loved one. It is important to draw the child’s attention not only to manifestations of sadness as such, but also to tell them about ways to manage their mood. Acquaintance with emotions can be done through visual examples or with the help of visual images (through role-playing games, cartoons and films, plots or scenes in which they evoke compassion), discussing this with the child. Coping techniques include communication and active games with adults or with other children, reading funny books together, watching humorous cartoons or children's films, puzzles and interesting educational games, moderate physical activity and dancing, and helping others. You should praise your baby for achievements and days without crying; you can keep a mood calendar in which he will mark happy and sad days with emoticons of different colors. Changing a habit will take time, so adults need to show restraint and patience. An important nuance is that parents, through their behavior, should demonstrate to their child ways to overcome sadness. He may not imitate immediately, but he will likely use them as an adult. Special attention should be devoted to the ritual to overcome various manifestations of sadness. It could be a funny song or a counting rhyme, a dynamic dance.
General techniques for developing emotional intelligence are discussed in detail under the heading “Current Conversation” (Preschool Education. 2021. No. 5).
My son is six years old, and he is completely unable to control his desires. How to properly develop a child’s will?
Voluntary behavior is regulated by the frontal lobes of the brain. However, in preschool age, neural connections in these areas are just beginning to form. Therefore, until entering school, one should not expect developed self-control from the child. Tactful assistance from adults in managing desires is of paramount importance.
However, the prerequisites for the development of will can be observed from an early age. The mechanism of imitation plays a big role here. This means that the personal example of parents becomes especially important.
Even in preschool age, it is necessary to create the prerequisites for the child to successfully master the volitional regulation of behavior: up to three years, this is an adequate feeling of attachment to parents, from three to six years, ideas about the manifestations of emotions and ways to manage them.
Developing the ability to manage one's actions and control desires begins with adult support. They teach the child how best to formulate a goal, determine the timing and criteria for its achievement, how to concentrate attention on something, and also instill in him confidence in his abilities and a reasonable attitude towards mistakes as obstacles that need to be overcome. With their attitude, they are able to support the child’s desire to achieve his goals or, conversely, suppress his desires. It is necessary to encourage him to independently perform tasks that he can do, and to praise him for overcoming difficulties and taking initiative. Provide reasonable choice. Demand compliance with the rules of the family charter.
The development of will will be facilitated by games with rules and group games, regularity of certain activities, such as morning exercises, adherence to a daily routine and the example of parents, as well as sports and outdoor games. Find role models in books, cartoons, and movies, such as a hero who controls his own desires or demonstrates determination.
By the end of preschool age, the child is able to learn to control his posture, as well as set basic goals, make decisions, make efforts to overcome obstacles, and evaluate the results of his own actions. All this creates the necessary prerequisites for the development of will in elementary school.
“How the alien Keo met anger” / “How the alien Leah met anger”
Problem. Inability to control manifestations of anger, aggressiveness of the child. (Depending on the gender of the baby, the name in the title of the fairy tale changes and the content is adjusted. - Author.)
Once, when you were very young, the alien Keo flew to our Earth from the far, far away planet Lokos. In appearance, he was no different from an ordinary boy. The only things that seemed strange were his orange eyes and bright red hair. But who would be surprised by this now!
Early one summer morning he landed in a city park. The flowers smelled pleasant, butterflies fluttered and birds sang. The park was deserted, and only the boy Miron was riding his favorite skateboard. (If the fairy tale is intended for a girl, then the alien’s name is Leah, and she became friends with the girl Milania. - Author.) They met and became inseparable friends. Keo was very lucky because Myron told him in detail about his planet. Keo taught me a lot and learned a lot about Lokos and its inhabitants. For example, the Lokosians were smart, calm and polite. They also loved to fly on spaceships and learn something new. That's why Keo went to Earth. He so wanted to get acquainted with the distant planet and tell his parents about it.
In order for Keo’s training to go faster, he and Miron spent days together. The alien especially liked to go with the boy to kindergarten, play with the children, listen to the stories of the teacher Maria Sergeevna, draw and make crafts. Every evening Keo returned to his ship, hidden in the park, to rest. And at dawn he was already at Myron’s.
Winter has come and the first snow has fallen. The guys were happy - they knew that soon they would be able to build a snowman, play snowballs, but most importantly, ride down the ice slide. Keo was very surprised, because he saw snow for the first time. He also didn’t know what cold was before. It was always warm in Lokos. But he was especially delighted with the inflatable cheesecake. (You can change it to what the child likes best, for example, a sled or an ice cube. - Auth.)
“It’s like flying on a ship, it’s absolutely breathtaking,” the alien thought as he rolled down the slide for the first time. And he hurried back. It was not difficult for Keo to climb the mountain the fastest. Even the small Lokosyans were very strong, agile and fast.
- I won’t let you in. “We take turns skating,” the boy Styopa blocked his path. (If the fairy tale is intended for a girl, then Sveta. - Author)
Keo felt everything pounding inside, as if it was about to boil. His eyes turned red, his face burned, and his hands clenched into fists of their own accord. He sharply pushed Styopa away. The alien guest miscalculated his strength, and the boy fell into the snow. The guys froze. Everyone looked at Keo with condemnation. Including his best friend Myron.
That day no one wanted to play with him or even talk to him.
On the way home, he asked Myron:
- What's happened? Why don't the guys even want to talk to me?
“You offended Styopa,” Miron answered sadly. “That’s why no one wants to play with you.” It's not very pleasant to play with someone who can push or hit. Especially if he is stronger. It is also customary for us to ask for forgiveness if you have offended someone.
“I myself don’t understand how this happened... I felt how hard my heart was beating, how my fists were clenching. I wanted to stomp my feet and wave my arms!
“This is anger,” Myron nodded his head. “You got angry and started fighting, which means you allowed anger to defeat you.” If you continue to obey her, you will end up alone. Because people will avoid you. They won't want to talk or play.
- What to do? – Keo got worried.
– Learn to manage your feelings. Conquer anger. Mom and Dad once taught me this. I can teach you too.
And Miron told Keo that when he gets angry, he needs to immediately step away from people and “drive away” the anger. You can jump high, run, or even just walk alone. Then remember something pleasant, for example about your planet or your parents. If the anger is strong, then you will also need to remember how you used to play or talk with the one with whom you are now angry. If the anger still doesn’t subside, then you can ask adults to read an interesting book or watch a funny cartoon. And a secret weapon that anger definitely can’t resist: sing and dance “Dance of the Little Ducklings.” (You can change it to your child’s favorite song or dance. We ask a child over five years old: “How else can we help Keo?” Or we even suggest coming up with a ritual for getting rid of anger yourself. – Author.)
Myron warned Keo: to defeat anger, you will have to use one or more of these techniques more than once. Each time the anger will weaken and begin to come less and less often. But even if she looks in, it’s not difficult to deal with her.
It was enough for Keo to remember his parents, how pleasant and good he felt. He decided that he would no longer push anyone and tomorrow he would ask Styopa for forgiveness for his behavior. And anger will definitely win. This thought made him want to sing and his face broke into a smile.
He shared his feelings with his friend.
“And this is a joy, Keo,” Myron answered and smiled.
But that's a completely different story. I'll tell you about it another time.
Rituals. We introduce the child to techniques for overcoming anger and choose those that are suitable for him.
- Switching attention and physical activity (running, jumping, walking).
- Stop communicating for some time with the person who causes anger.
- A pleasant memory.
- Entertainment (book, cartoon, new experiences).
- Dance, poem or song.
Questions
- Who is Keo? Tell us about him and his planet.
- Who is Myron? The fairy tale says little about him. What kind of character do you think he has? What does he like to do?
- What happened to Keo on the ice slide?
- What is the name of the feeling he felt? Describe it. Have you ever felt this way?
- What did Keo Miron teach? What did you like most?
- What else would you suggest to Keo?
- Do you think Keo has overcome his anger?
Basic sensory in the development of emotions.
the development of emotions is...
Colors, tastes, smells, sounds - basic sensory. What is your favourite colour? Usually this question does not cause difficulties for anyone. Everyone likes some color more than others. Of course, we are not talking about what color suits you in clothes, but about what color you like. (In general, if you are going to develop emotions, then get used to forming an attitude towards everything right away). Which color do you prefer to look at? What shade makes you feel happy? Surround yourself with this color. Here, of course, you need to follow common sense, because not everyone has the opportunity to paint, for example, a ceiling black without conflicts with loved ones who may misunderstand your efforts to develop emotions. A clear example is given to us by all sorts of emo and goths who do essentially the same thing only in reverse - they cultivate negative emotions in themselves. But this is naturally not the development of emotions that we are talking about, but the path in the opposite direction. When you look at your favorite color, you distinguish precisely this perception of “ like ”. This is the emotion you are looking for - try to remember it as accurately as possible. Try doing the same with tastes, smells, and sounds. These are all the basic components of our sensory sensations. Write yourself a list of your favorite sensations and return to them regularly to recharge your energy and train your emotionality. Perceptions are trained just like muscles - the more regularly you experience a pleasant emotion, the stronger your ability to experience it and the more things you begin to like around you. If you start doing this regularly, you will see that your sympathies expand. After all, you don’t like just one color. Surely there are other favorite colors and shades. And you can create a hierarchy of what you like more and what you like less. You can do the same with tastes and smells. This is the first step in developing emotions.
Development of emotions through attitudes towards objects.
When you have clearly made a list of what you like in life from the basic things. Go to objects. Start with the habit of forming an attitude. You enter a new room. And most likely you don’t care about most subjects at all. Try to immediately add emotional coloring to objects in every new place. For example. You entered the room. Just think: I like this chair, but not so much this table. But I absolutely don’t want to sit in this corner. Here is a nice sofa, and this chair is also okay, but I like it less. When you form a habit, you will notice that the world begins to paint in new colors and the emotions in your life gradually become more and more numerous.
Development of emotions. Experience the CCR.
I don’t know at what stage of the work on developing emotions you will have the ability to experience a feeling of beauty. Maybe you have already developed it, or it may appear in the process. But for the development of emotions, IMHO, the most important thing is to regularly experience it, as well as the illuminated perceptions that resonate with it.
Whenever you have a free minute, do a simple exercise - look around, notice what you see, and form an attitude. Of course, you need to strive for positive experiences, so start shaping your life and environment in such a way that you surround yourself with things and people
Signs
Throughout its existence, a person is constantly changing due to the natural process of development or degradation. In some people this process is expressed more clearly, in others it is hidden.
The path to emotional maturity is often not easy; some individuals never achieve it, remaining infantile or emotionally immature individuals.
Individuals who are immature in the emotional sphere are characterized by uncertainty, a desire for self-affirmation at the expense of outsiders, and a tendency toward rudeness, envy, and condemnation. They are addicted to harmful weaknesses (alcohol, drugs). Due to dissatisfaction with their own existence, they try to console themselves by immersing themselves in the easily accessible temptations around them.
The emotional maturity of a person is characterized by the following characteristics:
– flexibility (the ability to adequately adapt to unique circumstances, events, situations);
– responsibility (a mature individual accepts responsibility for his own existence, he realizes that momentary circumstances are a consequence of the decisions he has made, he does not blame the environment if a failure occurs);
– the desire for self-development (solving problems of the future forces people to develop today, a mature personality feels the need to educate itself by receiving new information);
– search for alternative opinions (after all, a mature individual realizes that any activity, skill, process can be improved, so he willingly looks for other opinions, considers the views of those around him and happily follows them if he understands that the proposed path is more effective or less expensive);
– impartiality (disagreement with the views of others is not a reason to criticize them, since everyone has the right to have their own beliefs);
– stability (a mature subject realizes that there will always be disappointments, failures, problems and unsolved tasks will appear, so failure today does not unsettle him for a week, but allows him to outline further steps in order to normalize the situation);
– balanced behavior (naturally, it is impossible to remain calm and equanimous all the time, but in 80% of cases it is quite possible);
– realistic optimism (mature individuals are not prone to self-deception, they realize that success is due to patience and effort, and all this understanding is supported by adequate optimism);
– openness (it is easy to interact with such individuals, people feel comfortable in their presence);
– faith in one’s own personality;
– humor (mature individuals do not take themselves too seriously; they are able to sincerely laugh at themselves with their comrades or colleagues).
Every person has a different level of emotional maturity. This indicator is something that should be worked on, constantly improving it.
Rules of emotional education
Emotional education of a child does not require large physical and time expenditures. You just need to follow some rules.
1. Voluntariness of expression. Teach your child to show his emotions, name them, and understand his feelings. This is especially important for young children who need to let out everything that has accumulated inside. Discuss his feelings with your child, giving him the opportunity to cope with the emotions that arise on his own.
2. The power of expression. Older children should learn to control their emotions: laugh quietly, collect their thoughts, restrain anger, cope with excitement. Teach your children simple self-control skills and monitor your own behavior.
3. Empathy. Children should not be indifferent. If your child does not worry about cartoon characters or other people, then he needs to be taught empathy. Ask him how he feels, whether he feels sorry for the hero, whether the child wanted to help. Discuss life situations with your child. Offer to describe the feelings and sensations of the participants in the events. Think about how you can show your concern towards another person: congratulate, express sympathy, help in something. Free your children from envy and gloating from childhood, this will make them happy
