Assertiveness and assertive behavior

Assertiveness is a person’s ability to politely defend their views and opinions, to be restrained but persistent. The ability to defend one’s opinion is a very valuable social, communicative and psychological skill. Assertive, persuasive models are suitable for managerial behavior in production, and they are also useful in everyday life and sports. Let's take a closer look at what assertiveness is in psychology, define the concept and learn the rules of the assertive type of behavior.

Signs

What types of interactions does assertive behavior offer as an alternative? Assertiveness is the golden mean between aggressiveness and passivity. An assertive style of behavior is based on restraint, respect and self-esteem, and cooperation.

Signs of assertive behavior include:

open expression of thoughts, feelings, emotions;
encouraging other people to do the same;
taking into account the opinions of other people and responding adequately to this, regardless of whether a person agrees with the opponent’s opinion or not;
awareness and acceptance of not only one’s rights, but also responsibilities;
ability to delegate tasks;
expressing gratitude to other people;
the ability to admit your mistakes and apologize for it;
the ability to maintain self-control in any situation and talk with other people as equals.

Vdovin Ivan

More than 15 years in psychology
Owner of 2 successful businesses
Developed his own method “Key Therapy”
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In practice I use: Gestalt therapy, imagery therapy, body therapy, art therapy, hypnosis, Hellinger constellations
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Assertive behavior skills

Skills of assertive behavior according to S.V. Kovalev:

taking responsibility for your behavior;
self-respect and respect;
sincerity, honesty and integrity;
ability to listen and understand;
Confidence and ability to demonstrate a positive attitude.

Assertiveness helps to fight the intrusiveness of neighbors and sellers, the arrogance of the boss and other people trying to sit on your neck. However, not all people can staunchly defend their opinion, without unnecessary explanations and justifications they can say “I don’t want”, “I don’t need it”, etc. What does this depend on? From personality traits.

What prevents the formation of assertiveness skills?

Assertiveness is closely related to confidence, adequate self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, and empathy. If these qualities are lacking, then a person cannot show adequate persistence. Why is this happening? It's all about family upbringing: some parents taught them to negotiate and get their way, while others were taught to be obedient, that is, passive and comfortable.

Interesting! The more often a person turns to assertive behavior, the more stable his self-esteem and the greater his self-esteem. The more often a person gives in and sacrifices himself, the lower his self-esteem.

Victim and aggressor

In communication between people, two other extremes often arise. The victim feels weak, unable to make decisions, constantly seeks support, and also blames others for his failures. She is guided by the principle: “You all owe me, I am offended, weak, and the weak need to be supported.”

The aggressor adopts the opposite behavior. He clearly or covertly manipulates those around him and does not care at all about the opinion and success of another person. His principle: “You owe me, because I am stronger.”

It is also true that if in a conversation one person takes the role of a victim, the second even unwittingly becomes an aggressor and vice versa. In any case, these two extreme roles do not carry effective behavior, but are built on mutual parasitism.

Therefore, if we are talking about communication between two or more people, it is important not to go to extremes, but to develop some kind of balance.

Rules of assertive behavior

By and large, there is only one rule of assertiveness: you need to remember that all people have equal rights. Here they are:

the right to express feelings and emotions;
the right to express opinions and beliefs;
the right to agree and disagree;
the right to change your mind;
the right to admit one’s mistake and incompetence (“I don’t understand”);
the right to be yourself and not please others;
the right not to take on someone else’s responsibility (you are responsible only for your words and actions);
the right to ask for help;
the right to set priorities;
the right to be heard and noticed;
the right to say “I don’t care” if it really is so (not as an excuse or out of fear);
the right to be happy and unhappy, successful and unsuccessful, etc. (we choose our own path);
the right to be illogical in decisions (you do not have to explain every step you take to other people).

Based on these rights, the American psychologist Manuel Smith developed the following rules of assertive communication and behavior (models of assertive and blocking behavior):

Independently evaluate your behavior, thoughts and feelings, and be responsible for the consequences. Only you yourself can scold or praise yourself; no one else has the right to evaluate your life.
Do not apologize or explain the reasons for your actions. You can do this if you want, but you don't have to.
Decide for yourself whether you are responsible for other people's problems, and if so, to what extent.
Allow yourself to make mistakes and change your point of view. This does not make you a bad person; on the contrary, it shows you from the best side and indicates personal development.
Accept the fact that you may not know something, that you may not have the answer to a specific question. And be able to admit it. You can always say: “I need to clarify,” “I need to think,” “I need to consult.”
Be independent of other people's opinions. If someone considers you a bad person, this does not mean that you are bad.
Realize that you may not understand other people, and be able to admit it. You don't have to think, guess, or try to read someone's thoughts.
Be able to say “I’m not interested.” You don't have to understand everything and be interested in everything.

If you don’t know how to develop assertiveness in yourself, then just follow these rules. In addition, special techniques help develop assertiveness.

Obstacles to developing the ability to achieve the right conditions

Before moving on to practical recommendations for developing assertiveness, I suggest we talk about obstacles. I identify eight barriers. The influence of most of them can be weakened or eliminated. This can be done in different ways. Some of them (for example, psychotherapy) can take a long time. If you find this demotivating, start with a question like this: “If I tend to neglect my interests, perhaps I should just increase my requests where possible?”

Low self-esteem or self-worth

If you often say to yourself or out loud the words “my desires mean nothing / the goals of others are more important than mine,” I recommend working on restoring your value in your own eyes.

I wrote above that uncertainty is not a reason to refuse to develop assertiveness. Yes it is. But it’s better to work on assertiveness and confidence in parallel than to completely refuse to develop one or both aspects.

Overload with responsibilities

It often happens that we owe so much - at home, at work, at school with our children - that we do not have room to think about our desires and comforts. Remember how often you refuse an invitation to a meeting at an inconvenient time, rather than start frantically looking for how to fit it into your schedule?

Personality traits that are often associated with the culture in which we grew up or live.

Some cultures have forms for expressing refusal (for example, the persistent no thank you in English), some do not. In some cultures, a direct “no” can be taken as an insult. Introverts may have a harder time being assertive than extroverts. Men may have it easier than women.

Stress

When under stress, our cognitive abilities deteriorate. Even if we know in theory how to do the right thing, in a situation of stress it is not knowledge that begins to work, but reactions and habits. If we are accustomed to not taking care of our interests, under stress we will definitely lose them.

Past experience

Unsuccessful experience in defending our interests can also affect our assertiveness. And here only practice, practice and more practice will help.

Historical context

For a very long time we did not know that our interests could and should be discussed. Now is the time to fix it.

Local cultural features

Until recently, aggression was highly valued, but, as it turned out, it has its limitations: it stops working with people from other cultures and industries, does not allow you to build long-term relationships, and they determine the success of many businesses

Psychological reasons

Due to the factors mentioned above, many of us are prone to borderline reactions - we either give up without even trying to defend our interests, or quickly go on the attack and very often regret it, because it spends too much energy, but rarely allows us to continue the relationship .

If you look at all the barriers, it becomes clear that they affect both business and private life. But if in personal relationships we often meet each other halfway, then in entrepreneur-client relationships people are more picky about their interlocutor. And even more so when discussing the terms of cooperation. Therefore, in the next section we will consider recommendations for developing assertiveness using the example of refusing unsuitable conditions that the client insists on.

Assertiveness techniques

What to do if your interlocutor behaves aggressively? Use one of the assertive behavior techniques:

Equanimity. Continue to insist on your point and maintain a calm tone, but at the same time speak a little quieter and slower.
Avoiding an answer. We are talking about those situations when you were bombarded with rude questions like this: “Do you have no brains at all?” Don't make excuses. Say that you will double-check everything again and ask for more specifics. If the interlocutor behaves completely inappropriately, then you can look him in the eye, remain silent and leave.
Repetition. If the interlocutor does not respond to your arguments, then you need to repeat the same phrase without changing the wording. This technique is suitable for fighting persistent opponents.
Strict definition of boundaries. If the interlocutor asks an immodest question, then you can directly say that this is your personal life, it does not concern others. At the same time, you can change the topic or ask an equally immodest question.

These are the basic techniques from assertive psychology.

Only your own opinion about yourself can influence you.

You cannot live a full and happy life if you depend on other people's opinions. You will constantly be thrown into the mud and you will suffer from it, cry, but you will not be able to do anything about it.

Worst of all, if your self-esteem suffers, then you will lose happiness, success and peace of mind in life.

But, if you solve the problem of fear of someone else’s opinion of yourself, then the problem will be solved once and for all and you will become more confident in yourself and your self-esteem will be at the level.

To solve the problem of self-esteem and self-confidence, sign up for a consultation using the button below and you will regain joy in life and self-confidence.