First doesn't mean best
The importance of something first is overestimated. In Andre Maurois's story "Seasonal Flowers," the main character, university professor and literary critic Etienne Carlu, takes flowers to the grave of his deceased wife every Thursday. He vowed to remain faithful to her and does not believe that he will be interested in another woman.
But one day, at the same cemetery, Etienne meets a charming young widow, and a friendship begins between them. A new acquaintance reads the books that Etienne recommends to her, and he, in turn, is pleasantly surprised by the maturity and depth of her judgment. So the hero Maurois unexpectedly experiences feelings again and involuntarily notices that this girl suits him more than his departed wife.
You need as much confirmation of his feelings as possible.
When you become too focused on the relationship and constantly replay in your head all the little details that happen between you and your partner, you can become more anxious. Even the smallest changes in your partner's behavior can make you feel like your relationship isn't the same as it used to be. Therefore, you need more and more confirmation that he loves you. You may be offended if he forgot to tell you before bed that he loves you, or didn’t compliment your new hairstyle.
Unfortunately, such grievances only harm the relationship that you want to “bring to the ideal.” Therefore, you should not be overly focused on evidence of your partner’s feelings.
A new romance is another candy-bouquet period
My friend, having broken up with a guy she had been dating since school, admitted that, remembering the beginning of their romance, she thought: “Will I never have this again?” And there really was something to be sad about. The beginning of a relationship is a pleasure for both. A man and a woman like each other, but do not declare it openly. They flirt and meet from time to time. They don’t quarrel because there are no hard feelings or understatements between them yet. Their first touches to each other are the most pleasant, because they have not yet become habitual.
This exciting period lasts before the first sex and for some time after. Then people become closer, and their relationships become simpler. So take each of your novels as a bonus and an opportunity to enjoy life once again.
Your emotions depend on your partner's mood
If your mood depends on how happy or sad your partner is, this is a sign of being fixated on the relationship. Even when you're in love with someone, you can't forget that your feelings and his feelings don't have to be the same.
For example, your partner came home happy because he had a great day. On the contrary, your day is not going well, but you force yourself to smile and pretend that everything is fine. Or when he is sad and you feel depressed for no particular reason.
You realize that it's all about attitude
Where people are involved there will never be objectivity. Every situation can be turned the way your imagination wants. If desired, a tactful attitude can easily be mistaken for sympathy, and an indifferent attitude for a desire to hide emotions. Thinking about how this or that person treats you means wasting time.
If your partner shows disrespect for your wishes, does not keep his word, or treats your profession with contempt, the situation will not change. The question is whether you are ready to accept it and for how long. In your first relationship, you are foolish to look for excuses and hope for changes for the better. With experience, you come to the conclusion that it is pointless to expect changes in someone’s character.
You talk about your relationship too often
Meetings with friends are a great occasion to discuss business, interests and news. But if you constantly talk only about your relationship with your partner, you are definitely too focused on it.
Firstly, this behavior may begin to annoy your friends over time. It's normal that they may not be interested in all the facts of your personal life and constant stories about your partner. If every topic of conversation, even about the weather or city news, is translated by you into an enthusiastic story about how you and your partner are building relationships, you can safely say that you are excessively fixated on them.
Secondly, such conversations can often indicate problems in the relationship. For example, when you tell how you had a wonderful vacation, embellishing the facts to present your chosen one from the best side.
Breakups will toughen you up
The first breakup is more difficult to deal with than subsequent ones. Suffice it to recall Ivan Bunin’s story “Mitya’s Love.” Mitya, having left his girlfriend Katya for the village, falls into a love addiction. His mood is influenced by her letters, and if there are none, he goes crazy. If Mitya had found the strength to survive this period of melancholy and despair, he would have accepted further failures in his personal life more easily.
Mental anguish strengthens character, and over time a person learns to switch attention to work, sports, and friends. And then the emotional state becomes more stable.
All your resources go towards relationships.
When you constantly analyze your relationships, you spend a lot of effort and energy on it. Also, emotional dependence on your mood and what happens between you and your partner can cause you unnecessary pain, anxiety and negativity.
Please note that financial resources may also suffer. Often we try too hard to invest financially in relationships - we give our partner gifts that we can hardly afford, and when living together we pay for household needs alone.
You will gain emotional independence
Many people are interested in new passions of former partners. About five years ago, I could spend hours looking at photos of Lenochek, Anechek and Olenek on social networks (for some reason they all had affectionate nicknames), comparing them with myself and looking for flaws in them. Over time, increased interest gave way to lazy curiosity.
So if a few years ago you were crazy about someone you don’t care about now, then today’s jealousy will turn into indifference. I don’t react so painfully to ex-boyfriends’ girlfriends anymore. And some of them I even consider cute.
You stopped doing what you used to enjoy
Your obsession with relationships can become destructive when you give up what you love. For example, you give up going to the fitness center, which was useful and brought you joy, in order to spend more evenings with your partner. Or instead of reading, which brought you pleasure, you play video games with him, although you don’t really like it.
In a healthy relationship, there is personal space and compromise between partners about how time should be spent.
Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist and relationship coach, warns that if you start to “agree with your partner's needs most of the time” or “define what you want based on someone else in order to please them,” it may negatively affect your life. Your partner's needs can crowd out your true desires, goals and lifestyle.
How to fill life without your beloved man?
The next step will be practical activities aimed at changing lifestyle or habits. How not to get hung up on a man if all your attention is focused only on him for a long time? These thoughts can be crowded out by specific regular activities, work, hobbies, hobbies, and spending leisure time with the same friends. During this period, you cannot stay in a confined space without any distracting ways to spend your time. If such classes have never happened before, this is a great reason to start them. A busy life with all its worries and tasks will help take attention away from your lover.
What to do with jealousy?
It's time to move on to the most important part of our guide. In it we will figure out how to stop being jealous of your wife or girlfriend and improve your relationship. The recommendations given were borrowed from Robert Leahy, a doctor of psychology and professor at Yale University.
- M+F “You’re a cuckold, Bonacieux”: the laws of male jealousy from Mikhail Labkovsky
Why do we undermine our own relationships?
We are afraid of intimacy
Although intimacy is a universal human need, Intimacy and its relevance in human functioning. , some people associate it with negative rather than positive experiences. This naturally causes a desire to protect oneself, that is, to break off relationships or avoid them altogether. Most often, fear of intimacy arises from difficult relationships with parents or guardians. For example, if they violated the child’s personal boundaries, neglected him, shamed him or frightened him.
Trust with them was destroyed and a belief emerged that loved ones would inevitably hurt or abandon them when support was needed most.
“Even when we don’t remember such early events, the emotional memory remains,” says psychotherapist Mercedes Coffman. “It triggers an increased pain response in romantic relationships that seems too harsh to other people, and sometimes to ourselves. This pain causes us to sabotage relationships that could potentially grow into something wonderful.”
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