When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Signs of a rupture
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In addition to identifying 16 common precursors to breakups, the authors of the 1998 study also noted that breakups are cyclical. It develops according to a common pattern that begins with a lack of interest in the partner, then turns into infatuation with another person, accompanied by distant behavior and ends with attempts to improve the relationship. This vicious cycle can repeat itself over several weeks, months or even years.
“This cyclical pattern shows how indecision leads to discord in relationships. It causes one or both partners to move closer to each other, then avoid each other - to strive to solve problems, and then move away again,” explained Mariana Bokarova, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto.
Now let's talk about these 16 signs and what each partner can do to prepare for each step. Our guides on this sad journey are Destin Pfaff and Rachel Federoff—husbands, relationship experts, dating coaches, and founders of Love and Matchmaking.
They also appeared on several seasons of the show Millionaire's Bride.
Below, we'll look at every sign of an imminent breakup and advice from Pfaff and Federoff. see also
Life after a breakup: how to communicate with exes and even become friends with them
You go your separate ways
Starting a relationship is fun, exciting and romantic. At this moment, no one thinks about the future, the main thing is the present, where there is so much happiness. But when the initial stage passes, the question of what will happen next arises by itself. Maybe one wants children, and the other wants to remain childless.
There are many directions in life that partners simply cannot follow together, but this in no way means that they should separate.
What is important is not interests (hobbies), but life values and goals. For example, the issue of having children, marriage, making money. The list is endless.
Values are the principles that guide our decisions in life. If you radically disagree on one or more important values, conflict is inevitable.
Let us recall the dispute between cat lovers and dog lovers. It would seem that such a simple preference for one type of animal or another can become critical for a couple.
Partner loses interest in significant other
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Advice for this partner: communicate, communicate and communicate again! This is the #1 ingredient in any relationship! And if things don't work out, don't be passive-aggressive and let your partner know about it.
Find out why you lost interest. Have you tried to accept your partner's presence and needs? It may not be that you've lost interest, but that you're not doing anything to spice up your relationship. Before you cut ties, ask yourself, “Have I done everything I can to keep things interesting in the relationship?” If not, do some work before you walk out the door.
Advice for the other partner: Same here. If you feel like something is wrong, talk to your partner and ask questions. Get to the bottom of what's going on so you two can try to resolve the issue or break up before wasting each other's time and causing more pain.
Relationship crisis
Not every quarrel or cooling of feelings indicates the collapse of the union. First, it is worth discussing the symptoms that indicate that there is a future, and that what is happening is only a protracted disagreement or an imminent crisis, and not the end of the relationship. Jumps of feelings happen among those who have just decided to live together, among spouses with 20 years of experience, among those who have been dating for only six months. Psychology comes to the rescue here too, to keep together those who can be happy.
Signs of a time of crisis:
- Desire to be alone. You need to take a break from your significant other, this is written in any textbook on family psychology. Especially if the couple lives together and works in the same company. If, after meeting with friends or drinking cappuccino alone in the park, you feel that you miss your loved one, everything is fine. And, if, after a week-long business trip, you sigh heavily at the thought of an early meeting, you need to leave.
- Quarrels over plans for the future. If disputes often arise about how the bathroom will be renovated or the nursery will be equipped, there is no need to be alarmed. Only loving people who care about their life together look for a compromise and try to make their common future comfortable. It’s bad when you are completely indifferent to what your partner wants, thinks, when you don’t want to share your plans.
- Constant quarrels. It is completely normal for two choleric people to have emotional strife. But only if, after a scandal and slamming of doors, the time comes to calm down and discuss the conflict.
- Manipulation. Complex and subtle criterion. Manipulating a partner is a type of psychological violence that should not happen in a couple. If hysterics and refusal of sex are an isolated incident, then this is a reason for a calm conversation. But constant provocations are dangerous, they cannot be tolerated, this is a clear sign of an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
- Thirst for power. Everyone has difficult times at work, in understanding themselves. At such moments, you want to become a leader somewhere. Most often, the blow falls on the family and significant other. But such a period must come to an end, and the culprit must feel responsible for what he has done. There is no division of power in a couple; partners are equal.
- Lack of support. There is such a concept - “healthy egoism,” which means self-love, unwillingness to bend to the needs of another, to the detriment of oneself. The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises putting your desires above all else. Only by respecting yourself will you be able to respect your partner and receive respect in return. It is impossible without mutual respect; understanding and support in difficult situations are built on it. It’s normal to defend your opinion when disagreements arise, but at the same time, be sure to look for a compromise that suits both.
The same partner begins to pay attention to other attractive people
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Advice for the uninterested partner: If you're thinking about going left, do the right thing and end the current relationship. It is natural to look at others and find them attractive. But if you feel like you're about to cross the line and give in to your desires, put an end to the relationship first. Cheating is not normal.
But before you break up, try to evaluate what your current partner gives you. Does he still turn you on? Is there a spark between you? Try to add some fire to your relationship and analyze what you are missing: a new person or new sensations.
Advice for the other partner: If you notice that your significant other keeps looking sideways at others, talk and discuss what's going on. Bring to the surface what might be the root of the problem, make a plan to solve it, make changes. And if something doesn’t work out, ask yourself: maybe you deserve better? If your partner can't be honest with you, leave. Yes, it's hard and painful, but it will be even worse if you find out that you are being cheated on.
It's time to admit to yourself that it's over.
Still from the film “Lovers”
A few disagreements in a relationship are normal. It's also completely natural for passion to fade a little. Relationships won't always be smooth sailing. Even couples who look perfectly happy from the outside have problems they need to work through.
It’s another matter if the relationship has already ended, but you continue to support it out of inertia, because you are used to being together. Here are some obvious signs that you and your girlfriend would be better off apart than together.
Partner begins to withdraw from the relationship emotionally and/or physically
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Advice for a partner who has lost interest: Again, the key word is communication. Bring up the topic and state it clearly and politely. Tell your partner how you feel so you can both try to correct the negative aspects that are making you want to leave. Perhaps this is just a misunderstanding that can be easily resolved.
Or maybe you'll have to see a psychologist. It is also possible that the time has come to say: “We tried, but nothing works.”
It's all about introspection. Find out: Do you tend to pull away from a person when your relationship reaches a certain point? Is it a habit you've developed to avoid a big chunk of long-term commitment? If yes, try to change your behavior.
Go to couples therapy or see a psychologist yourself to better understand yourself.
Advice for the other partner: If you notice that your partner is starting to pull away, let them know. Don’t sit idly by, don’t harbor resentment, and don’t make false assumptions. Just ask the right questions and talk about your feelings.
If your partner is struggling with their emotions and withdrawing, you need to be prepared to hear what the real problem is. Have you talked to your partner about his mental state?
Have you done anything to try to improve the relationship instead of letting it stagnate? Do this and then discuss how you both can move forward.
see also
What is asexuality and how is it different from abstinence?
Energy gap in relationships
Many psychologists conduct consultations and try to alleviate the pain of parting with a loved one, and for good reason. Sometimes a breakup ends very badly, even with a change in the brain. This is no joke, especially when it comes to impressionable women who have not been seasoned by relationships.
They do not understand that the desired man does not belong to them as a thing. They don't understand why they have to break up and sometimes they can't get over it. They just can't understand that the relationship is over.
Parting is painful because the energy that you put into a person is yours, a part of you, and you love yourself in that person, and the more you put in, the more of you remains in him, the more painful the breakup, the bigger the wound.
To make the separation less painful, you need to take your energy from the departing person and mentally breathe it back into yourself. And the pain will go away, because you have returned what is yours. The connection will be severed and very soon another man will appear in your life, better, kinder, more reliable.
But if your ex confesses his love, you should weigh everything carefully and make the right choice. This is where our next article below the link will help.
Both partners try to work things out
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Advice for partners: Express your feelings in a way that your partner can actually hear you. People tend to listen more than they hear. Use more “I” and “you” when talking to each other. Pointing your finger at your partner and blaming him for all his sins will only build a protective fortress around yourself.
Present your point of view gradually, in small steps, so that your partner has time to process everything. Repeat what you just heard from your significant other to show her that you truly hear her words and understand their meaning.
Is it possible to remain friends after a breakup?
People who until recently were a couple find it difficult to get along with the idea of the impossibility of restoring such a situation. Therefore, often in a conversation about the need to break up, you can hear the phrase “stay friends.”
There could be two reasons for this:
- Uncertainty about the decision.
- Fear of gossip and unpleasant conversations.
In the first case, you need to understand the relationship and finally make sure of one of the options. Weigh all the positive aspects and evaluate the significance of the negative ones. Perhaps you can put up with them for a long time or you are already used to them. In the second case, cast aside all doubts and part ways. Gossip and gossip are an inevitable stage, which a calm appearance and self-confidence will help you survive.
Is it even possible to remain friends after a long romantic relationship? This is only possible when spiritual communication becomes more important than physical communication. But this will require that emotions subside and grievances be forgotten.
Partners spend less and less time together
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Advice for partners: Time apart is always good, but if it becomes too much, something is going on. Ask each other questions, express your feelings and try to solve the problem. Make time for more intimacy - not only physical, but also emotional. Plan your dates: Everyone has a calendar on their smartphone - keep them there so you don't have the chance to take a step back.
But also keep in mind that spending less time together isn't necessarily a red flag. This may be a sign of a relationship that is moving into a healthy, realistic state. As long as you have the strength, desire and energy to find time for meetings, everything is fine. Give your partner at least a few days a week to make you both feel loved.
Advice from psychologists
Psychologists insist on the need to survive the breakup so as not to return to the idea of renewing the relationship. Each stage after a rupture can be smoothed out:
- Denial – any thoughts that arise about a temporary cessation of communication should be smoothed out by returning to the list of shortcomings compiled in preparation for the conversation about the breakup.
- Anger - active sports that require energy will help. Running, dancing, boxing and swimming are suitable.
- Bargaining – when trying to return, remember your sense of self-esteem.
- Depression - in this state, a change in activity, departure, a new hobby or travel will be useful. With a limited budget and time, you can try to change your area of residence or go to a country house for the weekend.
Starting a new life after a breakup is always a long and painful process. It will require determination and confidence in the decision made, so be prepared for difficulties. However, further continuation of unpromising relationships is even worse.
Lack of interest reappears
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Advice for a partner who is losing interest: Reconnect! Let your partner know that things are not going the way you want. Try to resolve the problem, and if it doesn’t work, do a good deed and end the relationship.
Advice for the other partner: same rule. If your partner's lack of interest seems to be a habit, seek advice from a psychologist. Because it may have more to do with the person himself and his character than with the actual situation. Or maybe it's time to end a relationship that doesn't bring you positive emotions.
Look inside yourself
One of the most important signs that will make it clear whether or not to break ties with a person is an internal feeling.
The best relationships are those in which we can be ourselves.
Here are 7 signs that you are not comfortable around your partner:
- You're hiding something from him.
- You constantly control your actions, words and feelings, fearing condemnation.
- You feel anxious and disappointed whenever the guy is around.
- You can't look him in the eye for more than 5 seconds.
- There is a feeling inside that something is going wrong.
Constantly apologizing and controlling behavior should be taken as a serious warning about a controlling relationship.
One partner, or perhaps both, are thinking about ending the relationship for good
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Advice for partners: Make a list of pros and cons (yes, like in the TV series "Friends"). It's actually a simple but powerful way to evaluate what your next step should be.
Obviously: if there are more pros than cons, you need to think about how to return the relationship to its previous course. If there are more disadvantages, end the relationship, but do it with less damage to both of you.
Is your decision correct?
We move around in a circle of different people. And our taste does not always coincide with the taste of our family, loved ones, and friends. But this does not mean that we need to completely coordinate our preferences with them. It is for this reason that people often break up with friends and loved ones who are dear to their hearts. Study the following points carefully and remember them forever.
Your friends are “not into” your girlfriend. They give a lot of reasons - she’s ugly, she doesn’t know how to cook, she doesn’t allow us to communicate freely, etc. Be careful - it’s not with them, but with her that you need to share shelter. Why on earth do they make their assessments, and in general, what does their opinion have to do with it? Believe me, none of them who instills confusion in your soul will let you say a word about their passion. Rather, they are jealous of you and thus want to compare their positions.
Your family didn't like your beloved. Her own sister, mother and father treat her negatively, dislike her, and do not want to accept her into the family. Yes, it’s much more difficult here, because she and they are the dearest and closest people to you. I don’t want to lose my relationship with any of them. What to do?
If you really love your girlfriend, talk to her. Agree that she will not judge her elders. And at the same time, make it clear to your relatives that you are an adult, independent person and will choose your beloved based on your preferences. The main thing is to preserve love if there is any between you. Very soon you will really begin to live only for each other, build a family. And time plays in your favor, children will be born - the parents will immediately fall in love with the young mother and will help the young family in everything.
How to break up with a girl without hurting her
Psychologists strongly recommend that those who decide to break off a relationship in the heat of scandals and outburst of emotions not make hasty decisions. Quarrels will go away, passions will subside, but love will remain. In such a state, you can make an unforgivable mistake and regret it for the rest of your life.
It is important to behave calmly and wisely and think about the issue before making an important decision. Do some light visual gymnastics
- Imagine that you have already told your girlfriend about the breakup. Make a visual representation while staying at home all alone. What do you feel? If you feel slight discomfort and at the same time lightness, a feeling of freedom - don’t stop, break off the relationship.
- We repeat again - do not tell her about your decision over the phone or online. You will need to be patient and stock up on nerves, since most often an explanation with a girl ends in hysteria and tears. Unfortunately, there is no way without this!
Partners share their feelings with each other
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Advice for partners: As we already said, communication is the key point in a relationship. But this does not mean that you need to shower each other with all emotions. Real partners must have a competent strategy for communicating with each other.
Take turns discussing potential problems or triggers that arise and how they make you feel.
Then offer a possible solution without making the other person feel guilty or ashamed. If you both need time to think, stop the conversation for 20 minutes so that everyone can sort out their feelings, and then return to a calmer state and solve the problem.
Treason
It would seem that betrayal is the very reason to leave a guy as soon as it became known. But everything is not as clear as it seems.
At its core, betrayal is the trust that arises in a couple that has been thrown away. And when trust disappears, it is like a broken vase that can never be the same, even if it is glued back together.
Here are questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship:
1) Does he understand exactly what action caused you pain? Is he worried about this? Does he really regret what he did? 2) Was the guy really completely honest with you? 3) Will you be able to move on? Or will the fact that he cheated always be somewhere deep in your soul? Can you trust again? 4) Is it worth saving the relationship? Or is it better to move on?
Answer these questions truthfully, and then you can decide whether to break up or not.
One or both partners begin to withdraw from each other
independent.co.uk
Advice for both partners: Once again, follow your intuition. Only if it does not involve cheating on your partner.
see also
17 Real (and Heartbreaking) Reasons for Emotional Cheating
Cases when it's time to say no
In fact, the art of saying no is a great talent for any person, since usually breaking up a relationship occurs dryly or rudely, causing pain to one of the partners. Before deciding to break up, a man must make sure that this breakup is truly inevitable.
You need to break up with a woman in several cases:
- She is not interesting to a man - we are talking about communication between partners or sexual relations. Ideally, a woman should not be smarter than a man, so as not to provoke an inferiority complex in him, but also not stupid, so that it would be interesting to be with her. In bed, a lady should also be relaxed, but within reason.
- Characters don't match - if there is no room for compromise, peace and mutual understanding in a relationship, it is better to break up with the girl right away.
- A girl's incontinence - if a girl constantly makes her partner blush for her in public places, showing stupidity and complete unpredictability, sooner or later a breakup will be inevitable.
- Dissolute lifestyle - if a girl is promiscuous and has a bad reputation, there can be no talk of any serious and long-term relationships.
- A man is purely an outlet for her - if a woman dumps all her problems, experiences, emotions on a man, sooner or later he simply won’t be able to stand it. Most likely, he is just a friend for her, but not a beloved man.
- A woman does not take care of herself - in order to maintain feelings and passion in a relationship, both partners need to take care of themselves.
- A woman is extracting money from her partner - if the initial courtship has turned into the woman simply extracting all the funds and opportunities from him, the consumerist attitude needs to be stopped in the bud.
- A woman insists on marriage - there are many girls who are focused on marriage without thinking about building the right relationship. This is another example of consumerism that should not be tolerated.
- Treason - men are ready to forgive a lot, but not betrayal. Even long marriages with children fall apart instantly if a man finds out about a woman’s infidelity.
- The wife is more successful than the husband - in such situations the roles of the spouses become confused, the woman begins to reproach the man, driving him into complexes and depression. Most likely, she has simply outgrown the man, but cannot leave him due to her sense of ownership.
Expert opinion
Elena Milkova
28 years old, psychologist, sexologist. I consider myself an expert in dating and relationship development.
Every man, before deciding to refuse to date a girl or break off a marriage with her, must carefully weigh all the pros and cons of his decision so as not to regret what he has done in the future. The main reason for a breakup is a lack of feelings.
One or both partners go on dates with other people while still dating
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Advice for both partners: If it's a mutual decision, make sure you set boundaries and rules. Discuss what is allowed and what is not. Decide how much information you will share with each other about other dates and what the purpose of this agreement is.
Will you still date others? Perhaps you still want to end this relationship? Do as much research as you can to make sure this is the relationship that's right for you, and that you're not just doing this to appease your partner, but for yourself as well.
A tricky way to break up
If the classic breakup and breakup via SMS do not suit you, this is the method just for you. Here you need to collect all your originality and even work on lies. There can be many ways here. For example, you can admit that you are gay, or you can ask a friend for help to make your girlfriend fall in love with you. You can bring a girl down and she will leave you. In general, take your imagination into your hands here, but just don’t go too far, this is still a breakup, not a circus.
These tips should help you when breaking up. Before doing this, think carefully about your decision, because the words cannot be taken back. Remember why you fell in love with your girlfriend, if you decide to break up, don’t be rude, understand that the girl still has feelings, but also get rid of the feeling of pity.
No plans
The woman broadcasts to you: “I don’t want to be with you,” “I’m not interested in being with you.” Of course, it happens that initially he loves hiking with kayaks, and she loves sunbathing for days on the beach and shopping. This does not mean that you urgently need to immerse yourself in the hobbies of your other half. No. The main thing is that after the hike and the beach, people still unite for some common cause. For example, the two of them like to water tomatoes at the dacha. Wonderful! You can find the time and opportunity to first relax for everyone according to their interests, and then it will come to tomatoes. But if he and she only have their own interests, this is a dangerous symptom.
“You should lose another 5 kg!” 6 good reasons to break up with a man Read more
Provocations
When a woman realizes that the time has come to break up, she is well aware that a difficult conversation awaits her. Of course, I just want to get up and leave without memories, division of property, tears and torment. The very fact that it is necessary to discuss this issue with the other half is often scary.
Against this background, many women consciously, and some unconsciously, begin to provoke quarrels. After all, if during one of these conflicts a man cannot restrain himself and punches her in the face, it will be much easier to pack his suitcase and leave. This is a kind of legal and shortest way to get rid of a boring relationship.
Quarrel does not lead to good things. How to resolve contradictions by avoiding conflict Read more
Your needs are not being met
Each of us has our own ideas about an ideal relationship. For some, emotionality comes first - for example, they want to spend more time together. For others, on the contrary, functionality is important: they would prefer, say, for their partner to take on the financial component of their life together.
Julia Hill
Family psychologist, psychotherapist.
We always enter into relationships to satisfy our attachment needs: security, intimacy, care, support, recognition. We want to be significant, needed, loved. This is why we are looking for a partner, there are no other reasons.
When you feel like your loved one is neglecting your needs, it's worth talking about it. If your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway, maybe it's time for you to go your own way.
People often stay in unhappy relationships where their needs are not met because society frowns on loneliness. It may seem to you that you will never find anyone better than your current partner. Don't listen to that inner voice. Yes, it takes time to meet the right person, but you deserve to be truly happy.
How to forget?
The reason for the breakup is not important, it is important to continue living and not look back. To avoid driving yourself into a depressed state, you need to:
To avoid driving yourself into a depressed state, you need to:
- find a hobby you like;
- change place of work or study;
- if there is an opportunity to leave (at least for a while);
- do something extreme - river rafting, skydiving, and so on.
But the most important thing is to find another girl, and you don’t have to look for one who is similar to the previous one, since in this case the past relationship will constantly hover over the new one.
During this period, you will need the help and support of friends, as well as physical activity, since male energy involves activity and action.
You don’t have to go workout; the world is full of other active hobbies:
- swimming,
- basketball,
- dancing after all.
The more your muscles work, the less energy you will have for sad memories.
You feel you have an obligation to save the relationship
Study published by S. Rego, J. Arantes, P. Magalhães. Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships? / Current Psychology in the journal Current Psychology in 2021, found that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have already invested energy and time.
This is similar to the “cost incurred” effect commonly known in the investment world. Its essence is that investing in a certain product leads to subsequent investments, even if you no longer like the project. You've already spent money on it, so it's a shame to throw everything away just like that.
Many people stay with their partner, hoping to get a real “profit” from the “investment” they have already made. But months and years spent on relationships do not solve the problem. If, despite your best efforts, nothing changes, you might want to stop wasting your time.
Julia Hill
Family psychologist, psychotherapist.
In psychotherapy there is decision-making work. One technique is to imagine in great detail how your life will continue if you stay with this partner and if you leave.
Write as detailed a description as possible: “So I got up in the morning, went out to the kitchen, there were dirty dishes, and she was sitting there, offended, but incredibly sweet. My mood is spoiling, but I try not to show it.” This technique helps you understand whether you are ready to stay and how much you will be enough, or discover significant advantages of the current relationship, despite the shortcomings.
Working on bugs
First of all, analyze what caused the breakup (or the inability to build a relationship at all).
- If the girl could not come to terms with any of your character traits, views, attitude to life, and so on, deal with internal conflicts before starting a new relationship. But not through alcohol and other dubious methods, but through a visit to a psychologist or a good friend with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk.
- Don't make the same mistakes when dealing with girls.
- Ask yourself, “Am I really the problem?” A lot of people suffer from loneliness only because they are looking for the wrong partners. A lover of a healthy lifestyle is not obliged to suddenly give up snowboarding and fall in love with nightclubs and TV series, just as a homebody and introvert is not obliged to become the life of the party to please someone.
- Find yourself someone with whom you feel comfortable and good the way you are. Then changes for the better will take place naturally and of your own will, and not imposed from the outside.
Your communication is based on criticism and contempt
“Why should I do your job?”, “Why should I adapt to you?”, “I’m tired of solving your problems!” — these are the accusations most couples hear from each other before breaking up. Once you express yourself in this vein, even in your hearts, it’s already difficult to return to normal communication. I want to express to my partner everything that has accumulated over the months, or even years, of living together. If your relationship is at this stage, then it will be very, very difficult to revive it.
Criticism
No one will like it if they are constantly criticized for a variety of reasons. The girl, listening to the opinions of her parents or numerous girlfriends who do not like the guy, begins to express her dissatisfaction with his actions, appearance, and beliefs. At the same time, she may be truly in love with a young man and sincerely believes that she has the right to criticism, since her words will change her lover, bringing him closer to the ideal invented by someone.
The situation is worse with conscious criticism, when the companion independently finds any reason to point out her beloved’s shortcomings.
Will an accomplished man want to meet the requirements that his “half” puts forward for him? It all depends on the strength of character and the desire to stay with your beloved. If a guy is sure that a girl’s words are nothing more than nagging, it’s unlikely that such a relationship should be continued.
Boredom
The boredom that you notice in addition to everything else is another bad sign. The first thing a woman does is lose the fire in her eyes. She stops giving warmth, becomes emotionless, and closes herself off from you and the outside world. Similar signs can often be observed in those who have not been loved for a long time. Such a woman needs to be woken up, stirred up: buy flowers, hug, maybe take her somewhere or just say something nice.
But if suddenly she still has fire in her eyes and it is not directed at you, there is a high probability that the woman will soon physically leave (internally she already has one foot out the door). By the way, this same fire does not always appear thanks to another man.
