Why do people mistake kindness for weakness and don’t appreciate it: how to be kind and not weak?

In business, conflicts are not like scenes from movies. No one screams with a red face (okay, it happens). Glasses of water and office supplies don’t fly through the meeting room (ok, that happens). But the intensity of passions is no less. Project managers need to be prepared to withstand confrontation. Let's talk about conflicts, how to behave in them and where they can lead.

Personally, I think conflicts are evil. Let the business communications gurus say that this is the same tool as negotiations. No, conflicts take up time, can irrevocably damage relationships and cause stress. And I will try to find a peaceful solution until the last moment. But if a diamond is cut by a diamond, then something needs to be done about it.

What do we mean by kindness?

Kindness is not only the ability and desire to support someone in a difficult situation, but also a positive attitude that a person subconsciously strives for under any circumstances.

This does not mean that a kind person walks around around the clock with a smile on his lips.

Some good-natured people may have a far from friendly facial expression, but they have, as they say, a big heart and are able to bestow warmth on those in need of support.

In other words, we can say about kindness that these are various manifestations of the characteristics of human character, possessing truly moral qualities and capable of empathy for others.

Kindness can manifest itself in the form of:

Actions . And not necessarily heroic. A heavy bag carried home to an elderly person, carrying a frog from the avenue to the nearest body of water, calling an ambulance for a person and waiting for its arrival when you yourself need to urgently run for urgent matters - this is also kindness.
Participation and attention to the interlocutor . Sometimes even without verbal support of the dialogue. After all, many people have no one to talk to about personal matters without a subsequent series of complaints. That is why there is a syndrome of confession to a fellow traveler, when a person speaks out about a painful problem to a neighbor in a compartment or seat in a vehicle.
A warm word to another at a difficult or turning point.
The desire to restrain negative emotions under any circumstances and in front of any people, and especially in front of those who are younger in age, professionalism, social or material status.
The reasonable transfer of some value to someone who has less of it for any reason.
For example, part of a bun thrown to a stray dog is much more valuable to the latter than a hundred dollar bill left next to him.
Patient moral and sometimes physical support for someone on the path to mastery.
Helping someone who previously caused hostility, but is currently in a difficult situation, needs help and sometimes doesn’t even ask for it because he feels guilty.
Decorating the surrounding world with your own resources , supporting what is created using your own resources.

Why is it difficult for good people to live?

This happens if fate decrees in such a way that the philanthropist is surrounded only by mercantile individuals who shamelessly exploit him and do not intend to leave the person the opportunity to spend resources on his personal tasks.

The life of such a good-natured person can be similar to the duty schedule of an ambulance crew.

That is, there are always people who are suffering , but there is no time to drink tea, relax and, in a figurative sense, look out the window or do something for yourself.

And if in the case of doctors they at least have a salary, then philanthropists very often have only internal comfort from the feeling that they did the right thing and at the behest of their heart. But often there is no time for yourself. And resources too.

A person may suffer for his own responsiveness for the following reasons:

Doesn't know how to refuse requests. And the ranks of petitioners are not getting smaller. And if you do not know how to resist abuses on this basis, there is a risk of losing the opportunity to live your life.
The peculiarity of the character does not allow one to remain indifferent to other people’s problems, which is why there is no strength left to solve one’s own problems .
Good-natured people often sacrifice free time , some material values, hobbies, and even relationships for the sake of the interests of other people.
Those who have repeatedly received help from a specific person and decided that this was predetermined from above, over time begin to consider the process of fulfilling his request as obligatory and even self-evident. As a result, the “clump” of responsibilities grows, and the one who constantly agrees to the offer of a friendly shoulder loses physical or mental, and sometimes all of his strength.
In case of refusal, which, by the way, is a rare occurrence among good people, individuals who have not received benefits may begin to show indignation and be sadly surprised at the injustice of the world. Sometimes they even begin to persecute the “impertinent” one, demonstrating the “best” qualities of human character in general.
In response to help, not everyone even says a simple thank you . And although some good-natured people do not ask for laudatory odes in their honor, verbal gratitude is expected by many on a subconscious level.
Without good deeds, a person feels that he is living against his nature and is upset because of this, blaming himself for callousness and selfishness.
Relatives may not share the philanthropy of their kind household member and give him unpleasant executions for each individual case of helping someone that they become aware of. Even in cases where they themselves do not suffer in any way from the act.
It is not uncommon that after repeatedly helping someone in the past, a person finds himself in a difficult situation and learns that no one wants to help him .
And this factor, sometimes, has a much greater negative effect than the predicament created.

Essay on the psychological topic “Why goodness is not valued, but people become impudent from it”

Inna Kozlova

Essay on the psychological topic “Why goodness is not valued, but people become impudent from it”

In these days of self-isolation, when I have the opportunity to calmly think, meditate, read, think about my problems in life at home, I decided to look for material on this topic . I know that there are a lot of kind , sympathetic, selfless people on MAAM and I think maybe my publication will be useful to someone, because good people are having a hard time at the moment, because kind people are considered “weaks.” Arrogant and boorish people “rule” in modern society and they are “always on horseback.” So, why is it difficult for a good person ?

Human nature is selfish, and what a person gets easily is little valued or not valued at all, and this has been proven by life!

Everyone treats each other as they want.

How it works: when another person asks you to help him with something, he understands that he needs it and that he must make any effort to get what he wants. And you are doing him a favor by agreeing to help him. In this case, you don’t owe him anything, but you can always make it clear later that you expect help from him in return when you ask him for it. Or you set your own price for help. Or do you make it clear that you helped unselfishly and even then

To be honest, you don’t expect anything from a person and don’t be disappointed if he suddenly doesn’t live up to your expectations.

A person “sits on your head” and begins to become impudent because you yourself allow him to do so. You do not set boundaries for your personal space and do not warn in advance where the limit of your kindness . And this is worth doing and always!

If you see that a person is starting to become impudent , you stop giving him what he wants, because you shouldn’t do what you don’t want and what makes you uncomfortable. Tell him directly and only directly that you will not do this, just say a firm “no”. And don’t make excuses why , because these are not your problems, because he needs to get something from you, and let him find other ways to achieve this. Do not react to manipulation and pressure. Again, if you feel this way, say directly: “Don’t put pressure on me, or don’t manipulate me, I won’t change my decision.” If he doesn’t succeed, he will continue to stick to his line - be firm and cold-blooded if this concerns your interests. It is useless to argue with such people, so it is better to leave politely and gracefully.

Over the years, the understanding comes that you don’t need to open your soul to everyone. Today, unfortunately, qualities such as kindness and openness are taken for weakness of character. How can kind and sincere people so as not to suffer for good deeds, which do not always bring good in return ?

The psychological parable below is for those whose life is like an open book - it is such people who become victims of fate in the first place, they are undeservedly offended.

Once upon a time, a very beautiful girl came to a sage and said: “I have always been kind to others . I helped everyone I could and in whatever way I could. Because of my attitude, instead of gratitude in return, I only accept insults and contempt.

I was kind to children and old people, rich and poor, but no one noticed or appreciated , on the contrary, they only whisper behind my back. Why , after giving so much kindness , did I not receive even a particle of it in return? Give me advice on how I can get out of this situation?

The sage led her to a large mirror.

" Look! - said the old man. - Try to appear undressed, naked in front of all the people, having a beautiful and young body, huh? You will never dare to do this. But then why do you walk around with a naked soul! You have opened it inside out, and anyone who wants to comes into your life.

And if people see in you only kindness and the same actions, then like this mirror, you reflect their vices and imperfections - because everyone is trying to humiliate and offend you in return. Not everyone you helped has the courage to admit that you are better than him. People don't want to change , and a bad person always remains vicious. "

- Then what should I do? – asked the beauty.

“Come with me,” the elder suggested. And they entered the fragrant garden.

“I’ve been caring for these roses for half a century,” said the old man.

I water, loosen, protect from the sun. But I have never seen how these beautiful flowers bloom. So you should be like these noble roses: reveal your heart and soul to people not immediately, but gradually.

Look carefully: who deserves to be your friend and responds kindly , and who tears off your petals and tramples them underfoot. "

And it’s rightly said: you won’t be good to everyone. If you have a gentle character and open your soul to everyone, you will simply be taken advantage of by dishonest people , of whom there are many in the world.

But perhaps it is on GOOD PEOPLE that the world rests, and kindness should save it .

Why don't people appreciate this quality?

The main reason: individuals quickly forget that good deeds are not a mandatory action, but are a manifestation of the purely will of an assistant who has decided that someone should and should lend a hypothetical shoulder.

Besides:

Subjects with limited horizons and low intelligence believe that people who voluntarily help others and share something do not have a real opportunity to defend their borders and property. And when faced with a good-natured person, the outcast will definitely try to squeeze the maximum out of the first one .
Egoists believe that everyone owes them. And even help from strangers is regarded by such subjects as a natural phenomenon.
What is given without much effort is no longer valued. This is a feature of the psyche of many people: to “forget” about the difficulties that someone had to overcome for the sake of help from those who asked for it.
The result of the service provided is not the same as the one who asked for it saw in his dreams .
Sometimes the reason is the assistant’s inability to do what was asked, sometimes the essence of disappointment is the inflated demands of the person seeking participation.
Having received what he expected, the individual can add the assistant to a sort of list of weaklings who can be “ridden” . And automatically equate them with people who are weak, not worthy of respect, but very convenient for others.
For a number of people, someone’s help subsequently becomes a punishment - they are unable to be in the status of “pulled out of the swamp” without nervous tension, because they do not like to feel obligated to someone. And the more help, the stronger the growing discontent and, as a result, antipathy. It’s not for nothing that there is a saying, the essence of which is: the more good done to someone, the more the helper hates receiving it.

Strategies for dealing with conflicts

Oddly enough, all methods of conflict resolution are good, even “undermining” the situation. Apart from the scorched earth policy, as in the joke when a young woman calls and says: “Mom, I’m terrified! We have such a family scene playing out here! - Calm down, daughter. Conflicts arise in every family. - Yes, I know it. What should we do with the corpse?”

Different conflict resolution strategies are suitable for different conflict situations.

Cooperation

It’s cool when a conflict can be turned in a diametrically opposite direction and its energy turned into constructiveness. Cooperation becomes a good solution if it is possible to unite opponents and present a united front against a common enemy - an unfavorable situation.

I once participated in a project where it was necessary to integrate a solution for process automation and security software. Both software manufacturers were right: one vendor demanded compliance with its integration practices and wanted the second to adapt its products to a standard API. Another didn’t want to share “development secrets” because he was afraid of intellectual property theft. Time passed, and none of them agreed to a compromise. And during the next negotiations, when it was already possible to charge an electric car from the electrical voltage in the air, I exploded. The intensity of my speech would be suitable for the denouement of some epic blockbuster. Heeding her, the warriors of the opposing armies would join hands and dance. Without mincing words, I stated that both vendors protect their products like last year’s snow. And they can continue to live with their eyes closed, be proud of their software, not allowing anyone to touch it, and lose the market. But if we now put our pride aside and make integration, then each of the parties will earn money and open up prospects for themselves with similar projects. Phew! My fiery speech had an effect. And in 15 minutes we agreed on a joint plan of action.

Rivalry

“Healthy compromises turn conflicts into chronic diseases.” Therefore, sometimes it is not diplomacy that helps, but going out on the mat.

An example from life. The contractor’s engineers and the customer’s specialists could not find a common language, because the team “on the other side of the field” was constantly changing, and each new shift was trying to prove that they were right. Everything that was done “before the arrival of the new government” was devalued. The project suffered. His deadlines were repeatedly missed, and there was no hope of a merger in the ecstasy of work. Establishing relations peacefully meant once again pushing back the implementation date. I decided to go all-in - after all, in such a situation, everyone lost. I prepared, collected data and beautiful graphs and contacted the company management.

He told how the company was losing money due to sabotage by its own specialists who defended their ideas about the project. Financial arguments convinced the customer to give us the opportunity to do the work under the contract. Unfortunately, relations with some of the customer’s employees were damaged... And this is a minus. But the project was completed quickly. And this is a huge plus.

Rivalry is a dangerous way to deal with conflict. But it is suitable when delaying time to find a compromise will ruin everyone. For a peaceful ending, it is good to be confident that the outcome will be a win-win for all parties. At the same time, when preparing to enter into competition, you need to accept the risks of possible loss. Therefore, I would not abuse this method.

Concessions

Giving in on points that are not important to you in order to avoid confrontation is an absolutely reasonable practice. And you shouldn’t think that this is the lot of the weak and insecure. By agreeing to the demands of the other side on points that are not important to you, you can save a lot of energy for resolving really important issues.

It is important not to overdo it with concessions. Otherwise, all that your colleagues and partners can say about you is: “Oh, yes, this is the biomass that agrees to everything. And let her do this again.”

Avoidance

Perhaps, of the entire “menu” in conflict management, avoiding a quarrel is the most difficult “dish.” Emotions usually call us to fight.

Surely you will remember a couple of cases when you knew for sure that the “war” would not be worth the effort spent on it, and you walked away from it. In addition, avoidance is good to use in situations where you need to gain time and then move on to another strategy - say, cooperation. I had a case when the customer’s team changed, and against this background a confrontation arose. The previous team agreed on the task of building an infrastructure monitoring system. But in the process of work, a new team came and rolled out their wishes for the project. Now the customer wanted to get business monitoring.

Um... But this is a higher-level solution, and, in addition to the availability of hardware and system operating parameters, other metrics are also important in it. For example, the speed of processing consumer requests 24\7\365, tracking requests and responses through a web form or in the interface of a mobile application, and in modern realities - also the UX\UI of the interfaces themselves, the ability of systems to predict user behavior, etc. In general, This is a more complex and large-scale system that did not fit into the previously adopted budget and time frame.

And since business monitoring relies on infrastructure monitoring data, it cannot be built until the monitoring of the first level—infrastructure—is ready. The arguments crumbled to dust due to the customer’s persistence. He stood his ground and refused to accept work on TK No. 1. There were already sparks at the meetings. The case then developed like this:

We asked the customer to formulate what he wants to get in the end. This way we gained time to work on Technical Specification No. 1 and finalize the backend in order to organize data collection and display it in the frontend.
We prepared a demonstration of infrastructure metrics to show live how to collect analytics from this data, which will ultimately form the basis of business monitoring.
At the meeting, the frontend and its capabilities were presented. And at the same time, we conducted an educational program on monitoring from “A” to “Z” on customer cases.
Answered all the customer's questions. This was the turning point of our project. The customer's decision maker understood the path we had taken in solving problems and saw what else needed to be done to achieve the result he wanted.

Thus, the state of war was transformed into partnership. From that moment on, our client was 100% involved in the project and interested in the overall result. And we worked in a supportive atmosphere. Caramel happy ending.