Every person has been envied at least once in their life. Or maybe you yourself have experienced this feeling? Or do you still experience this from time to time?
Photo by Polina Zimmerman: Pexels
Some people are simply unable to enjoy the success of others. For some, envy can be a great motivation to become a better version of themselves. But others simply accumulate negativity within themselves, not realizing that to envy is to humiliate oneself.
After all, this is a direct recognition that someone in this world is better than you, and at the same time, you are not capable of more. To find inner harmony, concentrate on your successes and achievements, and stop envying, you need to understand the reasons for envy. And after that, start working on yourself to eradicate them.
In this article:
Causes of envy How to stop envying How envy affects the person being envied
What is envy?
In psychology, envy is a complex of feelings that overwhelm a person in relation to the individual who owns something (someone). This refers not only to material wealth, but also to internal qualities, degree of education, and social status.
Feelings and emotions most often push the envious person to certain actions, serve as motivation, an impetus to action. It can cause negative or positive consequences. The fact is that the definition of envy is expressed not only in a negative context. You can experience this feeling with positive emotions. But still, more often it implies a manifestation of negativity towards the bearer or owner of something.
In simple terms, what envy is, this feeling can be characterized as a strong desire to possess what does not belong to you. Someone else's well-being, happiness, and prosperity serve as the basis for an outburst of envy.
Let's give a simple example. Your friend acknowledged how beautiful the new dress you bought is. She wants the same. But her financial situation does not allow her to buy new clothes. The situation causes frustration, irritation and dissatisfaction. The envious woman gets angry and experiences mental discomfort. A complex of negative feelings can be described as envy.
It’s good if she comes to terms with it and makes the right decision that she will buy an outfit as soon as she improves her financial situation. But the whole point is that under the pressure of emotions, a woman is capable of committing a bad act, for example, deliberately ruining a dress or convincing the owner that the outfit does not suit her and she looks disgusting in it.
Psychologists say that women's envy is especially pronounced. Often it becomes the cause of discord between friends. You can also envy your personal happiness in life. In this case, the feeling is similar to jealousy.
Thus, envy in people is most often manifested by negative feelings towards a certain object that owns something. These can be both material and intangible benefits. Envy can change the behavior of even an adequate, balanced person and serve as an impetus for illegal actions.
There are many such examples in life. We know cases when colleagues, close relatives, and friends are jealous of our success.
The one who is envied can himself provoke such an attitude towards himself. This happens when he demonstrates a sense of superiority, strives to show others that he is taller than them, smarter, richer, etc.
The definition of envy is complex. It is impossible to describe it in one word. The condition includes a wide variety of feelings, including the desire to take revenge and get rid of the source of irritation.
Toxic sadness
– There is a wonderful formulation of St.’s envy. Basil the Great: envy is sadness about the well-being of one’s neighbor. I don’t know to what extent this is his original formulation or whether he took it from the Stoics, but this definition of envy can be considered classic in psychology.
What is sadness? This is when we have some need that cannot be realized. If we part with a person who is valuable to us, leave an important job, or do not have the opportunity to do what is dear to us, the feeling of sadness is quite adequate.
The feeling of sadness can be experienced, or it can turn into passion.
If a person survives for some time, and then rebuilds, he experiences, as psychologists say, “the work of grief”, he learns to live and lives normally without the object that he was unable to possess, then this need may leave his life, cease to be significant .
There is another option - when a person understands that he cannot live without this need and then makes every effort to achieve it. But if he does not achieve what he wants, he admits his powerlessness, accepts the fact that he will not have something, and also continues his normal life.
The passion of sadness is hanging in dissatisfaction, when a person does not make any effort to achieve what he wants, but at the same time cannot be distracted from it. There is a constant, obsessive return to one point - in this case we can talk about the passion of sadness, about “toxic sadness,” as psychologists say. I want it, I can’t get it, I don’t do anything to get it. Such hanging is the most suitable soil for the growth of envy.
Types of envy
Now let's talk about what envy can be. We have already mentioned that an envious person can experience not only negative emotions, but also sincere joy towards the object.
In this case, they talk about white envy. This state is characterized by admiration for other people's successes, achievements, and happiness. It is not accompanied by resentment, anger, or frustration. An envious person, indeed, is happy for someone and does not try to harm him.
The expression “I envy you with white envy” has even entered our colloquial speech. In this way, a person expresses his attitude to current events in the life of another person or group.
White envy is a state that can become an excellent motivation to achieve the same heights as another person.
Let's give an example. Two friends were preparing to enter college. But one of them did not pass the selection. However, he was sincerely happy for his comrade, who passed the exam. He realized that he did not devote enough time to his education. He preferred to have fun while his friend was reading books. The failed student made the right conclusions. He began to study diligently and the next year he became a student at the desired university.
In this case, admiration for other people's successes served as an impetus for active action and motivation. White envy helped the young man move forward.
But the situation could have turned out differently. In this case, we would be talking about black envy. It is expressed in dissatisfaction, anger, irritation, resentment and frustration. The result can be the most deplorable.
Even if the envious person does not take any action towards the object, negative feelings will deprive him of mental comfort, restful sleep and pleasure.
Black envy is a condition that destroys the envious person himself. He is deprived of peace and cannot find peace of mind.
Criminologists claim that human envy was the basis of many crimes. Someone envied someone else's wealth or personal happiness and decided to take an action that led to negative consequences: the object of envy was stolen, destroyed, and the life of the object itself was completely destroyed. You should get rid of feelings of envy. It controls the personality, and the person is not able to adequately assess reality.
Reasons for envy
Why people envy other people's well-being is quite difficult to understand. Most likely, this speaks of recognizing oneself as incapable of happiness, success, and prosperity.
No matter how sad it may sound, the psychosomatics of envy lies in the analysis of self-esteem. The individual is confident that he deserves more than he has. She considers herself the ruler of the world. This envious person is the most beautiful, the smartest and the most successful.
But reality shows him that there are people who are more successful, smarter and more attractive. Let's remember Pushkin's fairy tale about the evil queen, who kept asking her mirror about her attractiveness.
The woman was overcome with rage, anger, and hatred when she heard that there was another beauty who was much more beautiful than herself.
Black envy took possession of the queen, she tried to eliminate the object of envy. This is how, in reality, criminal acts are committed on the basis of this condition.
Where does envy come from and why do people envy others? Without finding out the causes of the painful condition, it is impossible to help a person.
The main reason for envy is dissatisfaction with the state of any area of life. Where a person has not achieved success, a void is formed. And the empty niche must be filled with something. In this case, it is filled with negative emotions.
Dissatisfaction with one's external characteristics, mental abilities, and financial situation lead to the emergence and development of feelings of envy towards others who, in the opinion of the envious person, do not deserve the best, but have it. He considers this state of affairs unfair.
It has been proven that envious people do not know how to rejoice and appreciate what they have. Their life consists of evaluating others' successes. Such individuals live someone else’s life, follow the events happening with the people around them.
As a result, they find themselves completely divorced from reality. Instead of working to eliminate their own shortcomings, they strive to do everything so that the object loses what it has.
The reasons for envy also lie in improper upbringing. However, the origins of any psychological pathology begin in childhood.
1. The absence of unconditional love, the rejection of the child for who he is, leads to the fact that the child is sure that he is loved only when he is “good.” Washed the dishes, cleaned the room, passed the exam - worthy of praise and love. But he doesn’t understand why the neighbor’s boy is always loved, even when he broke a window. As a result of conflicting feelings, the child begins to envy other people's success. In his opinion, this person will be loved. And he, despite all his efforts, will not receive love and attention.
2. If parents demand perfection from a child, then very soon he will understand: other children are far from perfect. They don't put in the effort, they don't try as hard as he does, but they still get what they want. A jealous attitude towards someone else’s success in this situation is a natural phenomenon.
3. Some parents, in order to justify their beggarly situation, argue: wealth is evil, it leads to destruction. The child is limited in everything. While other children play with gadgets and dress fashionably, he is forced to lead an ascetic lifestyle. Envy of other people's wealth will certainly arise.
4. If parents are pessimistic about life, they automatically pass on their attitude towards reality to their children. They are sure: there is no place for pleasure and joy in life. The real world is full of pain and disappointment. But other people around him are quite happy. They easily cope with losses, overcome difficulties and maintain healthy optimism. Why they succeed in this, as a mature child, is unclear. The natural reaction is envy.
It is important to teach a child to objectively evaluate his abilities, appearance, and position. His self-esteem cannot be allowed to fall. But it’s also not worth fostering a sense of superiority over others. Children must understand that success is always the result of work. Then healthy envy of other people's well-being will become motivation to work on yourself.
Let's give an example. The daughter is jealous of her classmate because she has a slim figure. Pay attention to the girl that her friend does not eat chips, plays sports and leads an active lifestyle, and does not spend hours on the Internet studying all kinds of diets. She works. Show by example that you can and should change your lifestyle in order to change. This way, envy will become a reason for improvement.
In addition, teach your child to value what he has: health, the opportunity to live in a family, and get an education give him a lot of advantages. You need to take advantage of opportunities, develop and enjoy life.
Why is envy dangerous?
Envy is a bad feeling. It worsens the quality of life, leads to mental discomfort and social ill-being. Envy is based on negative feelings. A person loses control over himself and cannot control his thoughts and actions.
The psychology of envy is such that the envious person experiences a hostile attitude towards others and towards the world as a whole. This condition leads to severe forms of depression, and sometimes to mental disorders. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself, comparing oneself with others, causes anger.
An envious person can be socially dangerous. He is capable of crime. This is the main danger of envy.
The object that causes negative feelings must be eliminated. This is a kind of protection for the body. A person intuitively wants to regain his spiritual comfort. But how to do that? It is necessary to get rid of the source of annoyance, anger, hatred. Often, based on unhealthy reasoning and conclusions, murder is committed. This is what envy does to a person. Examples include works of art, films, and life stories.
Envy of another person's personal happiness is more often explained by jealousy. But at the heart of the unpleasant feeling is also bewilderment about why one object is worthy of love and another is not? The consequences can be very different.
An envious person does not enjoy the respect of others. He is unpleasant to people. The feeling is difficult to deal with. Envy always manifests itself in words, actions, and attitude towards the object that caused it. When a person concentrates on someone else's success, he comes to the conclusion that he is a loser. Low self-esteem is guaranteed.
Thus, we need to get rid of envy and eradicate it. Learn to perceive the world as it is. Strive for excellence, learn from mistakes and don't think about why some people are lucky and you are not. Believe me, you are a very happy and successful person.
How does envy manifest itself?
We know that this condition causes negative consequences. It is important to know how to recognize the envy of others. The point is that it always shows up.
If they try to cause harm to you, spread rumors that discredit your reputation, or try to quarrel with loved ones, then most likely this is nothing more than a manifestation of envy. Often it ends with an action towards the object. He is an irritant that needs to be eliminated.
But sometimes an envious person tries to fill the void that has formed in one area or another. The desire to make up for the lack of love and care sometimes ends in disaster.
Let's give an example. The woman could not have children. She envied mothers. Her feeling grew into an unhealthy desire to have a baby. As a result of the conclusions, the woman kidnapped the baby. In this way she tried to fill the void. The urge to become a mother became unhealthy. We can say that the woman’s psyche is damaged. The reason is envy. Manifestation: child abduction.
Severe forms of envy require the intervention of psychologists and psychiatrists.
How to understand that they envy you in order to avoid trouble? A common question. An envious person can act cunningly, pretend to be a friend, pretend to be friendly, but act on the sly. Envious people do not always act openly and show hostility.
If you notice that there have been more troubles lately, analyze the situation. Perhaps your successes are very annoying to someone.
To avoid envy towards yourself, you should not demonstrate your successes. Popular wisdom says: “Happiness loves silence.” This expression applies to all aspects of life. Don’t boast about your wealth, health, and don’t let others in on family matters. This way, you will avoid a lot of trouble. You shouldn't intentionally cause people's envy.
