Hello, dear readers of the KtoNaNovenkogo.ru blog. Narcissism is a character trait that, to varying degrees, everyone has person.
There is nothing wrong with liking yourself externally and internally, praising yourself for your achievements and proudly telling others about your successes.
This is a normal attitude towards oneself - adequate self-esteem. However, when crossing a certain boundary, narcissism acquires a pathological character.
How to see this border, what is the portrait of a narcissistic person and how to build relationships with him - we will talk about all this today.
Narcissism is...
In psychology and everyday speech, the words “narcissist”, “narcissistic”, “narcissism” are most often used in a negative sense - meaning the accentuation of character, when this trait is the leading, main one in a person.
That is, a person is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
In this understanding, narcissism means excessive selfishness , a feeling of one’s grandiosity, uniqueness: I am the smartest, most beautiful, successful, etc.
But this is not a completely complete definition of the term. Imagine a segment in the middle of which there is a conditional norm of narcissism (zero). If we move to the left (minus values), then we end up with low self-esteem, and if we move to the right (plus), then we end up with excessively high self-esteem.
A distinctive feature of a narcissist is that all his life he “swings on a swing” back and forth, being either at one end or the other (never in the middle):
- he either deifies himself - inflates himself like a balloon;
- or feels like an earthworm - in psychology this state is called “collapsed”.
The term itself comes from a Greek myth about a young man named Narcissus. He was very handsome, so he often sat on the river bank and admired his reflection. One day a river nymph fell in love with him, but the handsome man rejected her feelings.
The offended nymph placed a curse on him: Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection and spent his whole life by the river, admiring himself. As a result, he turned into a flower, which was named after him.
The described myth gives a clear idea of what narcissism is: a person suffering from it loves only himself, but can only admire himself through reflection in water. Here water is a metaphor for the people (society) the narcissist is using:
Only by receiving compliments and admiration from the outside does he feel that he exists (he sees himself).
If you deprive him of praise, then such a person seems to cease to feel himself (is not reflected) and becomes despondent (the extreme negative point on the segment).
Instructions for use
The main advice for men who want to build a relationship with a narcissistic woman is to praise, praise and praise again.
She lacked this as a child, and now your task is to compensate for the lack of praise and admiration.
Accept that your wife will constantly criticize you, tell you what to do right, and be nervous about little things.
The trash that hasn't been taken out or a dirty plate on the table can make her angry, so try not to awaken the beast in her with such trifles.
Never compare her to other women.
A narcissistic personality will never forgive you for this. If she doesn’t leave you right away, she will take revenge - regularly remind you of your shortcomings or defeats.
Don't blame her for mistakes. Believe me, she will punish herself a thousand times more.
It’s better to calm her down, hug her tightly, remind her of her achievements and tell her that you love her. This is very important to her.
She will be immensely grateful and will do everything to do something nice for you in return.
Causes of Narcissistic Disorder
So, all people have a narcissistic trait, but not everyone becomes a narcissist in the full sense of the word - vain egoists who think only about themselves.
The totality of the causes of this disorder can be divided into two groups:
- Genetic factor - a child is already born with a brain structure in which the ability for empathy and emotional regulation is absent.
In this case, the part of the brain responsible for the functions described above is poorly developed (lack of gray matter in the anterior insula). And if parents do not correct this feature with their upbringing, then their offspring will grow up to be a narcissist. - Features of education:
- excessive admiration for the baby (not a scrawl, but a masterpiece, no less!), overprotection, permissiveness, suggestion of his uniqueness. In such conditions, the child grows up as the “navel of the earth”, he is not taught normal communication - to think about others, sympathize, support, and the limits of his capabilities are not indicated.
He really believes in his exclusivity, his specialness, and gets used to being worshiped as a deity. With this worldview, he enters the adult world, where he then begins to have problems in communication; - lack of parental love , coldness, unavailability of adults.
The child suffers from a lack of love, attention, physical contact, and respect. He begins to fantasize about how he could win their favor: he imagines himself strong, brave, omnipotent. “If I become like this, mom and dad will definitely love me” is a protective idealization. Such a kid usually studies well, earns a lot in the future, dresses himself in the best outfits, and his hairstyle is hair to hair. And all this in order to achieve the recognition that he was deprived of as a child.
Ideally, a child should feel needed and significant, feel the love and care of adults. But at the same time, it is important to convey to him that there are other people - with their own needs and desires.
The examples of upbringing presented above represent two opposite extremes, guided by which parents disfigure their offspring on a mental level, dooming them to mental suffering in adulthood.
It is important to note that there is no cure for narcissistic disorder. The maximum that such a person can do for himself is to undergo psychological therapy in order to learn to manage his behavior and experience mood swings easier and more comfortably.
You are probably young and male, and perhaps an artist
“The narcissist-monk is a bit of a combination, but being a narcissist while being Kanye West is fantastic,” says Western Sydney University psychologist Peter Jonason, an expert in social psychology. After 34,653 face-to-face interviews, psychologist Frederick Stinson found that men tend to be more narcissistic than women over the course of their lives.
Narcissism is thought to peak during adolescence and decline with age.
Psychological portrait of a narcissist
From a psychological point of view, a narcissist can be identified by the following characteristics:
- He is maladaptive - he does not know how to adapt to the environment himself, he does this at the expense of the environment through manipulation (he bends it to suit his interests). For example, the evil stepmother in the fairy tale “Sleeping Beauty” humiliated her stepdaughter in order to look better in comparison with her. The narcissist seeks to “destroy” the other in order to increase his self-esteem.
- A narcissist is typically a charismatic but emotionally cold person. He feels nothing towards people: the latter only play the role of objects that “help” him feel like the best. If a narcissist discovers someone who is superior to him in some way, he becomes angry and suffers, tries to “destroy” the image of the other - to criticize, humiliate, devalue.
- He has poor contact with people and is simply unable to recognize other people's feelings (he has low empathy) and join them. And the narcissist also has an inflated sense of self-importance - he considers himself an unattainable ideal, unwilling to come down from heaven to earth to communicate with mere mortals. He needs the latter only to maintain his grandiosity. He does this by comparing himself to others.
- Narcissist constantly fantasizes about tremendous success, ideal love, privileges. But dreams always remain dreams.
- Such a person is a psychological exhibitionist: deliberately tells something that causes envy and admiration, often lying. For example, a narcissistic man, having fought with someone one-on-one, will tell you that he fought with ten people at the same time and defeated them all.
And if at such a moment you criticize his words and doubt their veracity, then you can receive a large portion of rage in response. The fact is that the narcissist subconsciously “knows” that he is not great at all, but even the most ordinary.But this “knowledge” is located in the unconscious part, because it is associated with a huge feeling of shame. (“I can’t admit that I’m mediocre and I’m angry at you for pointing this out to me.”)
- The first chapter described two states of the narcissist: inflated and collapsed .
Most often, a person lives in the first hypostasis. But the second regularly comes to the surface when an individual is faced with a situation that shows him that he is not ideal. This phenomenon in the world of psychology is called narcissistic injury. Then he may become depressed, suffer from shame or guilt, and isolate himself from his environment so that no one sees his “failure.” - In life, a narcissistic personality chooses everything that is most ideal, prestigious , fashionable, successful - it doesn’t matter whether we are talking about people or things. For example, when going to a doctor, he will choose the “coolest” one.
- The worst thing for him is to be like everyone else. His behavior is often similar to that of a child : “Look how I can do it, I can do everything, I’m the best!” Often he takes his chosenness to the point of delirium - “The Universe hears me, the rain cries with me, I went outside and the sun immediately came out.”
- He always needs endless support and approval, but this need never remains satisfied. He will always want this. If you do not give him positive reactions, the narcissist becomes anxious because he ceases to feel himself. No praise - no me.
- Narcissism is a strong sadomasochistic trait: when a person is in a state of “bloat”, he tyrannies others. If he “collapsed,” then he mocks himself (“What a nonentity I am!”).
A man with narcissistic disorder tends to achieve a lot in life. But no matter what he receives, nothing brings him joy for a long time. Therefore, he experiences the crisis of 40 years much more vividly than other male representatives. The narcissist begins to realize that no matter what he does, nothing brings happiness.
Relationships with the opposite sex also suffer: a man literally forces a woman to admire and worship him. The family more often collapses on his initiative if his wife stops reflecting him the way he needs it.
A narcissistic woman also acts demanding and cold with her partner. For the role of husband, she will choose a caring “daddy” who will satisfy her needs. However, he will not give the same in return and will not respect the other half.
Relationships with her own children are also not going well: she is not able to be a supportive and caring mother or build close relationships. And here there is a big risk that the offspring will inherit narcissism from her as an accentuation of character.
Intimate life
A narcissistic woman does everything right. Even in bed. She will never refuse her husband sex, she will try to do everything “perfectly”, even if she is tired or not in the mood.
The main thing is that she is praised and her efforts are appreciated. But there is another side to the coin. A narcissist strictly evaluates her appearance, and always strives to look better in the eyes of other people.
Especially in the eyes of your man. To appear clumsy or funny is like death to her.
Therefore, she cannot completely relax in bed. It is important for her to control the process so that the man does not find an extra fold on her waist and does not feel a tubercle of cellulite on her thigh.
Yes, she will do everything to make her partner feel good. But she doesn’t always enjoy it. It’s just emotional – from the fact that she completed her task one hundred and ten percent.
You put some people on a pedestal
Malkin says the logic here is: “If I find someone perfect to be with me, perhaps some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I will become perfect by association.”
With this ideal in mind, narcissists suck up to people they perceive as perfect—whether it's a coworker or a romantic partner—and then are truly disappointed when that person isn't as flawless as they imagined. For a narcissist, everything has to be perfect.
Your parents ignored and adored you
Research shows that the combination of parental rejection and excessive admiration is more strongly associated with narcissism in adults than if one childhood experience always existed without the other. Inconsistency and harshness in the way parents treat their children will eventually create a "deep craving for admiration" and cause the narcissist to lead a life of seeking fleeting selfish incentives, Psychology Today reports.
You must always be in control
Just as narcissists hate talking about their feelings, “they can't remain at the mercy of other people's preferences,” Malkin says. “It reminds them that they are not invulnerable or completely independent—that, in fact, they may have to ask for what they want—and worse, people may not be willing to grant that request.”
This is why they can control themselves without getting angry. In romantic relationships, narcissists control people with disapproving glances, calls to change plans, and chronic tardiness. This allows narcissists to undermine other people's ability to make choices. By doing this, narcissists maintain their sense of complete autonomy, which they so desperately need.
Are you a serial romantic?
Burgo also identifies a group of narcissists whom he calls “seducers.” These people with narcissistic traits fall in love quickly and easily, often with people they don't know at all. They think that their partner is absolutely perfect - a complement to their own perfection - until reality sets in when they realize that their partner is imperfect, and then they end the relationship.
