“Don’t spit at the table,” or how etiquette originated and what it led to

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August 28, 2020

text: Daria Smirnova

The British Library recently digitized the encyclopedia of good manners Lytille Childrenes Lytil Boke. The book was first published back in 1480 and was intended for children from aristocratic families. In it, among other things, you can find such advice as “don’t pick your teeth with a knife” and “don’t spit at the table.” Three years earlier, the British printer William Caxton published The Book of Politeness. It emphasized that after blowing your nose, it is appropriate to wipe your fingers on your shirt, and not on a common tablecloth. Now these passages make us smile ironically, but in those days, reserved behavior at the table was not taken for granted.

The rules of good manners have come a long way from a shared bowl of soup for ten people to sophisticated English tea drinking. The purpose of treatises on etiquette was not so much the division of society into classes and the meaningless piling up of prohibitions, but rather the formation of civilized behavior of all classes. However, there were some funny moments and absurd excesses. We invite you to remember where the history of good manners began, which now seem obvious to us, as if “it has always been this way.”

Royal wedding feast. An inappropriately dressed guest is thrown into darkness (1469) / The J. Paul Getty Museum

How it all began

In his book On the Decline of Violence, Harvard University psychology professor Steven Pinker links the rise of social manners to the rise of peace and prosperity. The warring knights of the Middle Ages had to win the favor of European kings. The court, in turn, looked for responsible caretakers to govern the provinces.

Pinker writes: “Nobles... had to observe rules of behavior so as not to offend royal favorites, and develop empathy so as to understand what they wanted. Manners appropriate for the court came to be called "courtly" or "courtesy." Etiquette manuals originated as guidelines for behavior at the royal court.” These rules included such gems as “don’t pee in the hallway,” “don’t blow your nose through the tablecloth,” “don’t use your handy personal knife to put food in your mouth,” and the like.

The prominent German sociologist of the last century, Norbert Elias, believed that the concept of “civilité”, which was later transformed into “civilisation,” is associated with court society. People of medieval culture, even very powerful ones, often behaved like children - they had impulsive behavior without any restrictions. According to Elias, from the 11th or 12th centuries until the 17th and 18th centuries, Europeans increasingly suppressed their impulses. They learned to anticipate the long-term consequences of their actions and to take other people's thoughts and feelings into account. A book by a Christian scientist played a big role in this.

Banquet of the Chronicles of Froissart. Ruler of Aquitaine John of Gaunt and King of Portugal John I (XIV century) / London, British Library

"Restrained" (adjective)

The meaning of the word “restrained” according to the dictionary of S. I. Ozhegov

• Self-controlled, able to restrain himself; smooth without harshness

Morphological analysis of the adjective

• I Part of speech: adjective ;
• IIInitial form: reserved - singular, masculine, nominative case;
• IIIMorphological characteristics:
• A. Constant signs:
• Rank by value: qualitative

nominal part of the predicate

Declension of an adjective by case

Short form

Degrees of comparison

From Erasmus of Rotterdam...

The Renaissance is known to us primarily as a time of artistic flourishing in Europe and great geographical discoveries. But while brave travelers explored the New World, and Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the everyday life of the European nobility was filled with another new hobby. People learned table manners. Indeed, in 1530, a small work by the famous philosopher Erasmus of Rotterdam “On the Decency of Children’s Morals” was published.

The treatise was quickly translated into all European languages, and over the next six years it went through 30 reprints! So if you were a well-bred society lady of the 16th century, you would not be able to pass him by, and you would gain knowledge about good manners from there. The Dutch thinker taught his readers not only table manners, but also the art of self-presentation and the rules of small talk.

Of course, general ideas about what is decent and what is unacceptable at a social dinner appeared long before Erasmus of Rotterdam. He only systematized them and presented them in understandable language. Already in the manual “Court Customs,” dating back to the 13th century, one can find advice in the spirit of “it is indecent to pick your nose during a meal” and “never grab food with both hands!” Some of Erasmus's teachings are written in the same spirit. For example, instead of spitting at the table, he advises carefully removing unpalatable food from your mouth and “secretly throwing it aside.”

Illustration “Moderation and Intemperance.” Master of the Dresden Prayer Book (circa 1475-1480) / The J. Paul Getty Museum

...until Louis XIV

Erasmus's work was a great help on the road to what we would now call civilized behavior. But the word “etiquette” itself was firmly entrenched in Louis XIV, who even wrote a book about court ceremonial. For his subjects, he prepared label cards that spelled out simple rules of behavior at Versailles. For example, “don’t pick flowers” ​​or “don’t trample the lawn.”

As the years passed, the number of requirements for the behavior of visitors to Versailles only grew. Every little detail, be it a place at the table or the choice of outfit, was controlled by a corresponding decree. Their senselessness also increased. For example, a decree of January 7, 1681 required that beef dishes be served accompanied by two bodyguards and squires.

Jean-François Garneray “Moliere honored by Louis XIV” (1824)

Cutlery and clergy

The fork, which arrived in Catherine de Medici's dowry in 1533, did not immediately take root in France. Despite the fact that Louis XIV’s drinks were poured into golden goblets, and the right to solemnly serve him a napkin had to be earned, the king did not favor cutlery. He preferred to eat with his hands and, like a true aristocrat, could control food with only three fingers.

Why were cutlery not in honor of the royal person? The point is not only that the art of eating with a knife and fork was not given to everyone. An equally important role was played by the opinion of the clergy, who considered these devices to be the invention of the devil. “The Trident of Satan” was the affectionate nickname for the fork that a Byzantine princess brought with her to her wedding with the Venetian Doge in the 11th century. There is a wonderful story from the 16th century about the habit of Prince Monteverdi, every time after using a fork at dinner, to say a triple mass in order to receive remission of this sin.

Europeans were no less concerned about security issues: after all, a knife is a bladed weapon. This is how the rule known to all of us arose: extending the knife with the handle forward, first published in the manual “Courteous Manners” back in 1505. But European nobles fell in love with the spoon much faster. True, almost until the 16th century, soup was served in a common bowl and there was also one spoon for everyone.

The development of table etiquette was uneven. In 1560, Claude Calviac wrote: “The Germans use a spoon when eating soup; Italians use a fork everywhere; The French take what is more convenient and to their liking.” The fork came to Russia together with Marina Mnishek only at the beginning of the 17th century. And at first, the Russian clergy, like the European ones in their time, was outraged by the use of an obviously demonic object.

James Digman Wingfield "Pepys and Lady Batten" (1861)

Advantages and disadvantages

Restraint has both pros and cons.

Pros:

• People around you will appreciate it. Discreet people are loved everywhere: at school, at work, in the family. Such people are very convenient, they don’t try to take your place, they don’t get in the way, and most often they do what they were told. It is not in their spirit to contradict and resist. And they will not enter into conflict.

• A strong family. A discreet husband is the dream of many women. Doesn't scream, doesn't mumble, doesn't disappear with friends all day long. There won't be a scandal even over unwashed dishes. He will remain silent even when his wife starts nagging non-stop.
• Non-conflict. This means he doesn’t wave his fists, doesn’t swear, and won’t get into a fight. Why is this not a reason to mock? True, not for long, because many people need a reaction to a provocation, and when a person does not receive it, he loses interest.

Giphy

• Well-mannered. Often in society, restraint is equated with good manners. Is it really? From the outside, everything looks like this, because restrained people are non-conflicting and will not interrupt or contradict. But this does not mean that such people will politely communicate with others, greet, thank, help, and provide support. Education is instilled from childhood, formed under the influence of society, and restraint is just a blocking of emotions, feelings and impulses.
• Patient. Restrained people will endlessly tolerate provocations; they will not enter into conflict. At the moment of an internal explosion, they will not pour out their emotions, but most likely will simply leave, end all relationships, quietly, calmly, without quarrels.

• Measured. For such people, everything is often planned in advance; their lives are not disrupted by sudden events. They don’t put things off for later, they try to follow a routine and do everything on time. Emotional coldness allows you to approach problems calmly and judiciously.
• Stable. A huge plus is that there will be no unpleasant surprises from such people. Their actions and reactions are clear and of the same type. They will not scare loved ones with sudden plans or departure. They never run away slamming the door. Their actions can often be predicted. You can always agree on something with such people.

Photo by cottonbro: Pexels
Cons:

• Psychosomatic disorders. All people experience negative emotions. If a reserved person does not show them, this does not mean that they do not exist. Moreover, emotions do not dissolve anywhere. And if you don’t pour them out, they begin to eat from the inside. As a result, health problems may arise, and many even resort to auto-aggression: self-harm or self-punishment.

Containing emotionally acute manifestations leads to self-restraint, which manifests itself in muscle spasms, headaches and other unpleasant sensations. The more often a person restrains himself, the more likely he is to get any disease.

• Unfulfilled needs. Restraining yourself for reasons of “it’s not right to do this”, “what will people think? “, “I shouldn’t do that,” you’re depriving yourself of certain benefits. Sometimes it may be something small, but sometimes it may be an unfulfilled need. For example: activity, communication, hunger, sex. By denying yourself this or that regularly because someone once said that you can’t do that, you are trying to resist and depriving yourself of any pleasure.
• Lack of attention. Often those around them believe that such people do not need support and attention, they are doing well as is. They don’t complain, don’t show negativity and are always calm. This is wrong. All people need attention, just some a little more, others less. Restrained people are often approached for support, they pour out their problems on them, and express themselves emotionally. And in return, they rarely reveal anything about themselves. And why bother loading anyone?

Photo by Min An: Pexels

On the rules of behavior in a secular society

The behavior of aristocrats at a social reception was also strictly regulated by the requirements of etiquette. But all these requirements were invented for a reason. Even the simple tradition of raising a hat to greet people was dictated by concerns about health. If medieval knights removed their helmets when entering a house to demonstrate peaceful intentions, European aristocrats adopted this habit out of fear of disease. Raising your headdress when meeting was much safer than shaking hands or kissing. In modern times, this habit does not seem such a meaningless archaism.

It is curious that loud laughter in secular society of that time was condemned, while tears were fully consistent with the rules of good manners. The ability to cry served as a sign of kindness and noble nature. Even Louis XIV did not consider it necessary to hold back tears in public. Many modern men should learn from the royal person to show their feelings and not be ashamed of them. But “grinning, grimacing and breaking down,” according to the Italian writer Giovanni della Casa, is not appropriate for either men or women.

LIFE Magazine's Guide to Eating Spaghetti with Charm and Dignity (1942) / Photo: Alfred Eisenstaedt

When you can't handle it on your own

Restraint is neither good nor bad. If you are a very emotional person, then it makes sense to learn restraint, without blocking emotions, but redirecting them into other activities: sports, creativity, etc.

Restrained people who received instructions in childhood and therefore cannot afford an outburst of feelings and emotions should work with specialists to get rid of the block, stop suppressing emotions and allow themselves to do what they want.

Therefore, everything is good in moderation, you should not go to extremes.

Etiquette today

Surprisingly, many of the ideas of Erasmus of Rotterdam and his followers have not lost their relevance today. For example, a call for moderation in drinking alcohol, clearly visible in his criticism of German table manners. “It’s amazing what a shout and noise there is when people’s heads are heated with drink. No one understands what the other is saying,” the philosopher noted in his treatise “Visiting Courtyards.”

And etiquette manuals by the French diplomat Antoine de Courtin can serve as a good prevention of bullying or trolling on the Internet. Already in 1671, he warned the younger generation against ridiculing other people, because “a person who laughs at someone who is being punished or insulted shows an evil nature.”

Unfortunately, now you can increasingly hear the opinion that following etiquette only complicates life. Of course, the Versailles court customs seem absurd in a world overflowing with fast food restaurants. And yet, good manners, politeness and tact are values ​​that do not fade with time. And they are relevant not only at a social reception, but also in online correspondence.

It is following these “unwritten rules”, and not at all an expensive smartphone or a Louis Vuitton bag, that helps distinguish a cultured and well-mannered person. Because since the time of Erasmus of Rotterdam, etiquette is, by and large, only an indicator of inner dignity and respectful attitude towards others. And the number of cutlery in serving dinner has absolutely nothing to do with it.