Where does generational conflict come from and how to overcome this problem

What it is?

Openly declaring the conflict between generations and actively using this term began in America in the 1960s.

During this period, a protest arose among young people regarding the war with Vietnam. She was also not satisfied with the racial discrimination that existed in the country and social injustice.

The teenagers quarreled with their parents and engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the police. And it was so large-scale that sociologists started talking about the open, acute problem of fathers and children.

Although it has existed at all times, and will always exist as long as humanity lives.

This topic has been studied most deeply by such specialists as Carl Whitaker, Murray Bowen, Virginia Satir and Salvador Minuchin.

Generational conflict is the emergence of contradictions between representatives of both one and different generations.

It allows you to either strengthen relationships and social ties between the participants, or, on the contrary, destroy them if they were unable to find a way out of the current situation that would suit both parties.

How to communicate with a modern teenager

According to Marina Soltan, today it is important for any adult to be guided by the following rules when communicating with children and adolescents:

Any information that you are trying to convey to a child should not be vague, but clear and specific, according to the principle: take it and do it, or do it like I did.
Gen Z and A guys are primed for instant gratification for completing a task—they need constant support and praise to fuel their motivation to keep going. They don’t like to work for future results and bonuses in the future.
The information that needs to be conveyed to them should be short and specific. And it is better to perceive not text information, but video or audio, and briefly.
Make more active use of social networks and messengers to establish communication. They are “on their own territory” there.
Focus on more active forms of education and preventive work to captivate modern children (active lectures, trainings, role-playing games, brainstorming sessions, quests, etc.). This is also true for intra-family relationships. Whatever one may say, a modern teenager needs a modern parent: creative, active, liberated.

Fragment from the film "Courier". kinopoisk.ru

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Types of generations

Silent (1923 – 1943). Silent - because Stalin's repressions caused horror, accordingly, people tried to be invisible, this allowed them to survive in those times. Characterized by patience, devotion and suspicion.
Baby Boomers (1943 – 1963). After the war there was a surge in birth rates, hence the name. They are characterized by optimism, collectivism and hard work.
X (1963 – 1984). These years saw perestroika, which is why the rebels, as this generation is also called, strive for change. They do not tolerate patriarchy and fight for equality.
Y (1984 – 2000). They are also called millennials or generation zero. They want to get everything from life, so their activities are directed towards pleasure. They do not value knowledge, preferring “useful acquaintances” to achieve goals.
Z (2003 – 2023). The Zetas, unlike the Yers, understand that they need education. Freedom-loving and retreating in the face of difficulties. Capricious, cautious and not responsible. And also developed, because there are so many opportunities around, only the lazy will not use them.

Main causes

There are many reasons why so-called “father-son” conflicts arise. In principle, each situation is individual and may include several factors at once.

We would like to present to your attention those that are observed most often and are the main ones.

Reluctance to obey

During adolescence, independence is formed. A child at this age is trying to understand what he is like and what he is capable of. Therefore, it is important not to limit his freedom, but to give him the opportunity to get to know himself.

But there are families in which such aspirations to become independent from adults are met with hostility. Parents believe that because of their age they have a better understanding of life, which is why they show their teenager what to love and how to act.

In principle, this is true; they usually have much more experience and knowledge than their children. But it is extremely important to give everyone a chance to fill their bumps.

Some resign themselves to the authoritarianism of their parents, but most do not want to obey them. That's why puberty is called the most difficult period.

The teenager protests, proves his point. And he usually fights just for the right to be who he is. The subject of the dispute itself may not be so important, it’s about the process and the result. He longs for recognition by adults of himself as an individual.

Discrepancy between expectations and reality

People tend to be enchanted and dwell in illusions and fantasies, completely ignoring reality. For example, when getting married, young people most often think that they will become happier simply because their relationship will become legalized.

But in fact, everything depends only on them, how ready they are to accept each other’s shortcomings. Do they know how to withstand intimacy, and how do they cope with the difficulties that arise?

In general, family happiness is ensured by a lot of factors, which are dangerous to ignore. So, with charm, disappointment is sure to follow. The only question is time, how quickly it will come.

In the same way, parents, not noticing reality, can expect from their children what they are simply not capable of. When a boy who loves to dance is forced to box, this gradually provokes tension in the relationship.

He will feel angry towards such a harsh parent, and, accordingly, will try to rebel, defending his rights to do what he likes.

If it is strictly forbidden in the family to show aggression and generally become irritated, he will direct the destructive vector towards himself.

That is, either he will consciously strive to get into traumatic situations, or he will develop a number of complex diseases that will not allow him to continue his sports career. Simply put, they will give you reasons to quit boxing.

Differences in value system

There are people who are acutely aware of the fact that others may not agree with their point of view. That they don’t live at all as they should and in general, they don’t understand a lot of things, unlike them.

Some people prioritize family, others career. And each of them will be happy and unhappy in their own way. There are no single correct values. Workaholism will benefit some, but on the contrary, it will harm others.

In addition, people have different needs at different times. We should not forget that during the Great Patriotic War people needed to be able to survive and fight enemies. The next generation was rebuilding the country, so they worked tirelessly.

What was important before is not as relevant now. But this does not mean that representatives of different generations have the right to devalue each other.

Fear of everything new

Older people most often refuse the technologies that the modern generation offers them. They spent most of their lives without the Internet and gadgets, enjoying each other’s company and nature.

Why is it difficult for them to understand how to handle phones, how to use a computer, and why robots were invented in general.

They are also afraid to make mistakes, because they are accustomed to the fact that they entail negative consequences. And they have no idea how to deal with these errors. What if, by pressing the wrong key combination, they completely break some piece of equipment?

In addition, it is worth considering the fact that scientific and technological progress undermines the authority of the older generation.

Any five-year-old child is able to go to YouTube and turn on a cartoon, download an application or game of interest. Why would he then listen to a person who is not capable of such a thing? But he only declares that he has seen a lot in this life?

Selfishness

There are individuals who are not interested in other people's opinions, they only care about their own well-being, even if this means creating inconvenience for others. They simply lack the feeling that there are boundaries beyond which they should not go.

People call them complacent and spoiled; in psychology there is such a term as selfishness.

So, you shouldn’t expect respect, recognition and acceptance of another point of view from an egoist. Especially for older people.

Neglect of the past

Our ancestors made a lot of mistakes, as, in principle, each of us. After all, ideality, as you know, does not exist.

Moreover, in the past, people were limited in their capabilities. Every year, humanity receives more and more answers to questions that have bothered it for decades.

So, modern youth may consider themselves smarter than their predecessors, which is why they ignore the experience that their elders are trying to pass on to them. This, naturally, offends and angers, which makes relationships difficult, provoking conflict situations.

Children of Generations Z and A

So who are they, the children of new generations? What makes them special and why should this be taken into account when building a dialogue with them?

These are the children of multimedia technology . “Digital people who were born with a button on their finger.” Remember, 30 years ago a mobile phone was a luxury available to only a few. Today it is a device on which literally everything is tied - communications, work, leisure... Today, in handling electronic gadgets, any preschool child will give a head start to an adult. Modern teenagers have no problem making new acquaintances and communicating in the virtual space, but in real life they often experience difficulties with communication.
The main distinguishing feature of the new generation is clip thinking . They do not welcome text information, but prefer to watch or listen to short audio or video clips.
The main source of information for them is the Internet. Zoomers are capable of processing large amounts of information. At the same time, the knowledge gained is not of a fundamental nature ; it is often applied in order to solve a problem here and now.
For zoomers there are no templates and restrictions, principles and stable views. This is the generation of Digital, startups and creative thinking . Thinking outside the box is what they are all about.
Raising modern children and teenagers is no longer the absolute prerogative of parents . A parent, like any adult, is not an indisputable authority . Teenagers are greatly influenced by the so-called opinion leaders in the electronic information space, bloggers with a multi-million audience (YouTube, TikTok, Instagram). And also peers who were able to “promote” themselves on social networks.
A characteristic difference between today's teenagers and all their predecessors is the complete absence of their own point of view on any important topic.

“Taking into account all the characteristics of modern children and adolescents, it is necessary to use new methods and approaches both in education and in preventive work,” Marina Soltan is convinced. – Otherwise, we will have what we have: an almost 100 percent level of awareness, but less than half will apply the acquired knowledge for the benefit of their own health. Lectures and conversations with adults, even significant ones, no matter how professional or life experience they have, are no longer effective.

Consequences

Negative

Deterioration of mood and general well-being due to stress. Any quarrel is tension, and subsequently stress for the body, which very rarely benefits its owner. There is a section in psychology called psychosomatics. She studies the influence of various psychological factors on the emergence and development of somatic diseases. To put it simply and in popular terms, this is a statement that any disease is caused by nerves.
Breakdown of relationship or increased misunderstanding. When both sides are not ready to hear each other, acknowledge and seek compromises, it causes a lot of anger. Which, in principle, has such powerful energy that it can lead to people stopping communicating. Even despite the fact that they are related.
Growing social tension. It manifests itself in the form of distrust in authorities, a decline in the demographic situation, rush demand and general anxiety among the population.

Positive

Changes in the value system of participants. Every conflict is a clash of different points of view. Both sides get the opportunity to reconsider their ideals and values, and understand that there are other opinions. And if they understand that their priorities are set incorrectly, because they do not allow them to achieve what they want and realize their goals, then there is a chance to change their life for the better, relying on the experience of others.
Relieving social tension.
Solving life problems and complex tasks. This has already been mentioned in the column about rethinking values. Moreover, in the process of conflict resolution, opponents resolve not only the main problem, but also related ones.

Harm or benefit?

It is grandparents who make an invaluable contribution to the education of the younger generation. They treat their grandchildren differently than their parents. They are not responsible for educating and socializing the child, they do not have to think about his future profession or work, they can simply live for today and create conditions for the child to have a carefree childhood. Grandparents have enough time and material resources to devote more time to their children and satisfy their children's needs: they can pamper them with sweets, watch cartoons with them, read their favorite book for the hundredth time, or go for a walk.

In addition, older relatives are the main transmitters of family values and keepers of family history, which is very important for maintaining close, trusting relationships, including between parents and children. Grandparents help create a common “family field” that creates a child’s sense of belonging to the family and self-confidence. And of course, one cannot discount the life experience of the older generation, which can be useful to parents. Therefore, excluding grandparents from the upbringing process is an extremely negative practice. But how can you make sure that they help the new family and raising the child, and not interfere?

Resolution Methods

It should be understood that the problem of intergenerational conflicts will exist as long as humanity lives.

But we have the power to anticipate the emergence of protracted and complex quarrels, as well as to minimize losses. This refers to the ability to stop in time before a break in the relationship occurs.

Recommendations

If you want to be heard, learn to listen and hear back. By ignoring your opponent’s words, devaluing them and ridiculing them, you will only “throw wood” into the already flaring fire of misunderstanding. Use active listening techniques, then you will achieve positive results in the communication process.
Give reasons for your opinion. By using information from a trusted source, you will increase your chances of being listened to.
Avoid insults and personalities during an argument. Otherwise, you will only turn your interlocutor against you, causing him a lot of indignation.
Agree to compromises. There are situations when instead of “or” you can use “and”. That is, both sides can be right and worthy of respect. Look together for options that will suit both you and the other equally.
Make concessions if the relationship is more valuable to you than being right in this matter. Yes, it is unpleasant, but the loss of a loved one will not bring much happiness.
Ignore the conflict if you understand that it is organized artificially, only for emotional release. For example, it happens that disagreements in a family begin for one simple reason - the fatigue of its members. It is worth resting at least a little, and then what is happening will be perceived differently, more calmly.
Look for opportunities and resources. By stopping yourself in the moment of anger about the fact that your point of view is devalued, and by thinking about what useful things you will take away from this conversation, you can move forward in your development. Let’s say you learn about other people’s experiences, share yours, this will broaden your horizons. Or, based on your opponent’s behavior, you will understand how you should behave yourself, and what words and behavior patterns are better to refuse.

How can I help?

The situation is getting worse every day - and you no longer have the strength to cope with the tension caused by the generational conflict on your own? Contact me! Consultations are based on:

knowledge of developmental psychology and the characteristics of crises;
20 years of experience in family counseling;
working with generational conflicts in families with different conditions and circumstances.

In order to restore the relationship, your sincere desire and time will be required, then the problems of interaction between parents and children will finally be left behind.